A New Path
by RainbowDiamonds
Summary: When Kendall Knight's entire future is stolen from him by his childhood best friend, he makes it his purpose to get revenge and ruin James Diamond's life. Forced to leave his own life behind, he makes new friends in Hollywood and learns more than he could have suspected about not only James but himself. He just needs to decide which path is right for him.
1. Chapter 1

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

A lot of notes for this one. I was really missing the show one day so I wanted to go back to The Palm Woods and this story was the result of that.

The show "National Popstar" is VERY loosely based off of "American Idol." I've never actually watched AI but have a general idea of the premise and I tweaked it for this story, so know that I wasn't trying to make it the same thing. Just something along the same lines, if that makes sense.

There are A LOT of song lyrics in this story, which I know can be boring but it's part of the process and the characters use lyrics to convey feelings, so bear with me on that. I used Google to research lyrics so if any of them are wrong, forgive me.

I should probably warn that there is mild talk of suicide in this, so if that's a trigger for anyone you might not want to read it. It's not a central theme, only something mentioned once early on I think? But I wanted to warn you.

I think that's it. This story ended up pairing Kendall with almost every Palm Woods resident at some point, so be ready for that. He goes through a lot of craziness once he moves to Hollywood, but it's all necessary to help him figure out what he truly wants and to walk his new path.

# #

Kendall Knight did a double-take when he spied Diamond strutting along the opposite side of the ice rink, his own body coming alive with adrenaline. Somehow the sight of James Diamond was the switch that threw him into gear each year, as if once Diamond arrived, the competition became real. This year would be no different than the others-Diamond's team was going down. Kendall bounced on the balls of his feet in anticipation before making his way to where his coach was having a laugh with Diamond's coach. It always felt like betrayal to Kendall, who firmly believed that fraternization with the enemy only opened up a window inviting weakness in, but as the coaches were also best friends, he had no right to say anything about it.

It frustrated Kendall, whose only goal in life was to win (at hockey, precisely). From the moment his father told him at the age of six that he'd never amount to anything in the hockey world, Kendall had made it his life's purpose to do just that and prove the man wrong. Even after his mother had finally gained the courage to take her children and walk away from a mentally abusive husband, that need to be the best survived and gave Kendall motivation to throw his everything into hockey. Sure, he and Diamond had been friends during the first two seasons they'd played, but that was before Kendall understood how serious he needed to be; that was before Kendall moved to a different city and James was suddenly the enemy from an opposing team whenever they met up.

Kendall had quickly become team captain in the new league, then continued to do so each time he moved up in the ranks. Once Kendall was gone, Diamond had done the same. At one point in their earlier friendship they'd discussed that nothing was better than hockey and winning, both wanting to be the best. It later resulted in a fierce competition between the two, who only faced each other once a year at the state championship (which each made sure their team got to), and every single year Diamond had gone down. Kendall's team was always victorious, no matter how hard the other practiced, and today's game would be no different.

While waiting for Coach to finish speaking to the enemy, Kendall glanced again at Diamond, who was suiting up while listening to something a teammate said. Diamond had that nervous look about him, the one that told Kendall he understood this would be his last chance ever to crush Kendall. Senior year would be coming to a close in a matter of months, and unless Diamond had also chosen pro hockey as his career in life, they wouldn't be facing each other again. Diamond's appearance had changed quite a bit during their high school years (his darker hair was now down to his shoulders and when he arrived in street clothes he gave off more of a fashion model vibe than a rugged athlete), leading Kendall to think he'd chosen a much more tame direction in life. Should Kendall tell him about signing to the Wild, their dream team from the early days? He could imagine the shock on Diamond's face, the envy and longing, and decided it might need to be the last thing he ever said to his former friend; that envious expression as Diamond considered the exciting life Kendall had ahead of him would be the perfect thing to walk away from.

Thirty minutes later the adrenaline was at a fever pitch as his team listened to last-minute instructions from Coach. A nudge from the sidelines caught his attention, Kendall spinning around and then looking down at his baby sister Katie (who at 12 wasn't so much a baby anymore).

"Diamond looks nervous. Crush him, Kendall."

Having come up behind her, Kendall's mother heard that and sighed. "Katie, that's not nice! Leave your brother alone and find us a place to sit!"

Kendall winked at his sister anyway before suffering the good luck cheek kiss his mother always insisted on before each game. "Glad you guys made it."

"Couldn't miss the last game! And championship at that. You got this." Leaning closer, she whispered, "Crush him, Kendall."

With a laugh, Kendall nodded and glanced across the rink to lock eyes with Diamond. Their gazes narrowed at each other, adrenaline making a final push through Kendall's body.

James Diamond was going down.

* * *

Unfortunately, it was Kendall who went down, and in a much more literal sense. In the last two minutes of the game, which Kendall's team was winning, Diamond knew time was running out and grew frantic. His determination to win coupled with the knowledge that he most likely wouldn't resulted in a spontaneous check as Kendall skated by with the puck, James slamming his stick into Kendall's knee in frustration. It wasn't anything he hadn't done before, was in fact something plenty of hockey players did even though it was against the rules because it was considered dirty tactics, but this time it was different because of the damage it caused—Kendall's kneecap shattered, dropping him to the ice in sudden pain so great he cried out in shock.

Everything happened fast then, though to Kendall it seemed as if in slow motion. He was removed from the ice with the help of two teammates while the sports doctor on standby rushed to meet him. Even through the pain and knowledge that it was impossible, Kendall yelled at his coach, the doctor, and his mother that he had to get back out there, time was running out, the team couldn't win without him, didn't they understand?!

His complaints fell on deaf ears, though, and once the game picked up again he was forced to sit there and watch his team lose what would be the last chance he had to win against Diamond. The other team pulled ahead by one point in the final ten seconds. The fight went out of Kendall and tears finally spilled over, his mother hugging him and promising that they'd get him something for the pain as soon as they could. He remained silent, letting her think that was why he'd broken down crying.

The truth was, the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain he was dealing with. The last chance. His final game against Diamond, and Diamond had come out the victor. He watched the other team shouting in victory, some of them hugging each other in their excitement, and hated them all. Diamond, though, he hated most, because Diamond wasn't cheering. He wasn't even smiling. Instead, his gaze traveled across the ice to lock with Kendall's, and the pity Kendall saw there made him hate Diamond all the more.

* * *

Two hours later he was awaiting results from an x-ray and MRI, his mother and Katie sitting close to his bed in the emergency ward, when he asked the question that had been on his mind since the ride over in an ambulance.

"Who did it?"

"What, honey?" his mother asked, Katie only half-listening because she'd found her favorite television show on the small box above Kendall's bed.

"Who checked me? Did you see?"

"No, everyone was around you trying to get the puck away, it could've been any of them."

"Where was Diamond?"

"James?" Mrs. Knight glanced at Katie, who shrugged but answered Kendall's question.

"He was in there too, but it was hard to see, dude. And does it really matter?"

Probably not. It didn't change anything, Kendall would still be lying in a hospital bed with an uncertain future stretching out ahead of him no matter who'd swung the stick that changed his life.

And yet...it did. Because somehow he knew in his heart that it had been Diamond, and when he considered that, it caused his blood pressure to rise to a level that would have alarmed his doctor had he been hooked up to a machine at that moment. The full implications hadn't sunk in just yet, but Kendall at least knew that his immediate hockey career was going to be put on hold; his life had been ruined.

Eventually they learned that his patella had been shattered, and that surgery was recommended. The doctor explained that there was every reason to believe Kendall would be able to move easily again within three months, and with the help of crutches as soon as a week. He'd be forced to wear a restricting knee brace for about six weeks and go through physical therapy for at least two more months, but then he'd be "good as new."

"Meaning I can play hockey?" Kendall asked.

The doctor hesitated at a warning look from Kendall's mother. "Well, maybe 'good as new' isn't the term I should've used," he sighed. "You'll be able to function on your knee like most people, but I wouldn't suggest subjecting it to overly strenuous activity like gymnastics or skiing or...hockey."

"For how long?"

"For...well, Kendall, it's never going to be what it was before the injury. I would recommend finding a new hobby."

What the doctor didn't understand, Kendall's mother and sister did. Each reached out to hold his hands, knowing this was worse than a death sentence to Kendall.

"You're saying I can never play hockey again?"

"You can, but I wouldn't recommend it. You run the risk of undoing everything the surgery will do for you."

"And if I don't have the surgery?" Kendall wanted to know.

"Then it won't heal properly and you might not be able to walk at all."

His mother interrupted. "Kendall, you're having the surgery."

"Mom, what good will it do? It's not going to change anything, I still can't play anymore. Don't you realize this means I have to give up everything?"

"You're going to recover and you'll be fine. We'll figure out the rest later."

Silent tears rained down Kendall's cheeks, but he said nothing more as depression set in. As far as he was concerned, his life was over.

* * *

The surgery was proclaimed a success, Kendall losing only a portion of his kneecap in the process. They kept him in the hospital for an additional two days to make sure swelling and infection weren't an issue. His mother and Katie spent most of those two days with him, but at night Kendall was alone to dwell on his life and (lack of a) future.

He'd have to give up his spot on the team he'd spent most of his life striving to be part of. Not only that, but he'd never again be able to do what he loved more than anything else; hockey was his identity. It was all he knew, it was _everything_. Alone in the dark, Kendall sobbed as emptiness spread through him.

What was there to look forward to now? Why even live? Though he'd never been one to entertain thoughts of suicide, he now understood those who did; it was the idea of life stretching out before you with no hope, the knowledge that each day would be the same and that nothing would ever change. The only thing in life that had ever given him true happiness had been snatched away, and by what? By who? He would probably never know, which made it even worse.

The answer to that question arrived in the form of an envelope delivered to him on his last day at the hospital by a nurse who'd been kind to him no matter how tersely he'd talked to her. She smiled as she approached his bed, where Kendall was fully dressed now with the eyesore of a knee mobilizer strapped to his leg and a set of crutches propped nearby. His mother and Katie were on the way, as was news of his discharge, and the nurse's greeting to him was, "Glad this showed up before you left. Someone dropped it off at the front desk."

The envelope was placed in Kendall's hand, stiff enough that he knew there was a card shoved inside it. "Probably from the team." The thought of it choked him up, as did the memory of his coach visiting the day before with pity in his eyes—the same sort of pity Diamond had looked at him with immediately after the injury. "Thanks." He set the envelope aside, not wanting to be reminded of what he'd lost.

"Aren't you gonna read it?" the nurse asked with a frown. "Might make you smile."

"Doubt it."

She sighed, then shrugged and asked him a few questions about his physical state before leaving with, "The doctor will be in one more time to see you, but we should have you discharged within a half hour."

"Great," Kendall replied with no feeling. What good would it do? What was there to look forward to once leaving here? He'd be practically bedridden for the next month anyway, and then barely able to do anything outside of physical therapy. What was even the point of...anything?

More out of boredom than anything else, Kendall reached for the card ten minutes later. It was a simple get well card with a sad-looking cartoon person laid up in a hospital bed on the cover. There were some well-meaning words of encouragement printed on the inside, but what Kendall's eyes were immediately drawn to was the signature—not of many, but of one person. It was difficult to decipher, scrawled and looking almost like an autograph, and had it not been for the symbol used to dot the "i" in the name, Kendall might not even have been able to figure out who it belonged to. He remembered that symbol, though, because it had been he who first suggested the use of it over ten years ago.

His mind recalled that day, seeing it as clearly as if it had just happened the day before. James had been sitting next to him in their first grade classroom, at a table they shared with two other students, and they'd been working hard on creating the perfect Mother's Day card. Kendall's had a big hockey stick drawn on the front, along with hearts and flowers he'd drawn to surround it. James had chosen to adorn his card with rainbows and clouds, as well as a few crudely-shaped music notes.

"What are you gonna write inside?" Kendall had asked.

"Don't know. Maybe just I love you."

"That's boring, everyone says that. Make it special."

"What are you gonna write?" James returned.

"Don't know," Kendall admitted.

"You should say I love you. Mommy says you should make sure people know when you love them, that it's the most important thing of all."

Kendall didn't answer, but thought hard over the problem while coloring in his flowers. What could he say that was special?

Ten minutes later he still hadn't figured it out. He leaned over to watch James write "I love you Mommy" and print his full name below, using a star to dot his "i." "What's that?" Kendall wondered.

"A star. Mommy says that's what I'm gonna be."

"You should use a diamond instead. It's your name and it makes you special."

James considered that, then grinned and nodded. The star was erased to be replaced with an uneven diamond shape. "Like that?"

"Perfect."

Over the years, the shape had improved so that there was no question it was a tiny, sparkling diamond sitting atop the short vertical line representing the letter "i." As he stared down at the card in his hand now, Kendall remembered that in the end, he'd gone with "I love you" as well, and his mother had cried over it. Maybe Diamond had been on to something, even at that young age.

Above the signature, James had written only two words. They were words that perhaps anyone else reading the card might not have understood, but Kendall knew right away what it meant and the implication behind the message.

"I'm sorry."

For the first time since being struck down on the ice, Kendall had a target for his rage. The depression lifted quickly after that, morphing into something hot and fiery that burned in him with what he needed most—a purpose.

Somehow, some way, he'd get his vengeance. James Diamond had put him here, had ruined his life in a matter of seconds and without thought. Kendall wouldn't let that go.

James Diamond was going down. This time, for good.

* * *

The following three months were a sentence in Hell. Kendall was alternately depressed, angry, frustrated, sad, and hopeless as he spent the first few weeks mostly confined to his bed and with his leg elevated by a mountain of pillows, now doing his school lessons from home. Once his doctor pronounced him ready, he was encouraged to attempt mobility often but not to "overdo it." That proved difficult, because Kendall had never been one to sit and wait. He wanted to _do_ and to _accomplish_ , to never be held back. His own body became his enemy, fighting him when he tried to force it into healing at a faster pace; walks around the block on crutches were frustrating because he couldn't move fast enough. If he tried to, he'd get tired quickly and collapse into bed upon the return home in exhaustion and sweat (along with frustrated, angry tears). The crutches were eventually done away with, allowing him to put weight on his knee, and that was excruciating only because it didn't work the way it was supposed to. Though the doctor promised him it would get better, Kendall didn't see that happening, and sank further and further into depression.

His rage at Diamond came and went. Sometimes he was rational enough to understand that James hadn't meant for this to happen; other times he convinced himself it had been on purpose, that so many years of losing to Kendall had made Diamond snap and want him incapacitated for good. He kept his accusatory thoughts to himself, never speaking aloud to his family that he blamed James directly. The card sat on his nightstand as a reminder that there was unfinished business between them, and when his mother once asked who sent it to him, all he said was, "A friend." He supposed it wasn't a lie, as it had been true at one time. Now Diamond was anything but.

Kendall was told physical therapy would help once he made it to that point. Six weeks after his surgery, he discovered that it was instead torture that left him weak and in pain from muscles that were no longer in the habit of being used. Every time he finished a session, he felt hopeless and dejected, wondering why he was bothering. His life still had no meaning other than a vague, half-hearted desire to make Diamond feel what he was, and if he somehow managed that, then what? An entire life stretching out before him of...the same. Day in and day out, no hockey. His mother once made the mistake of suggesting that he go to college and get a degree that could help him land a desk job, and he lashed out at her so angrily that she refused to speak to him until he apologized. Kendall being Kendall, that apology didn't come until the following morning; forgiveness was not in his nature once he'd been wronged. He didn't apologize for his words, only for hurting his mother, because everything he'd said to her was true—he'd rather die than spend his life sitting behind a desk.

Three months in, the knee brace was long gone and Kendall was able to walk with nothing other than a slight limp. Physical therapy was working to make his leg stronger and his mother delicately broached the subject of his future, fearing another outburst. She said he needed to do

something because "this isn't you, you've never been one to just sit around and mope, you've always been a fighter." Kendall countered with, "That was when I had something to fight for."

"You still do," Jennifer argued, standing above Kendall with arms crossed over her chest. "You have a life to live, a purpose. Hockey was your thing, but it's not the _only_ thing. Make something else yours."

From his reclined position on the sofa, Kendall glared up at her. "There's nothing else I care about. Nothing else in life ever gave me that fire, made me feel that passion."

"That doesn't mean nothing else ever will! You certainly won't find that passion lying around on the couch every day. Get out and find something to live for!"

Having just come in the front door, Katie heard the end of that and commented "Seriously, dude, you're bumming me out. Go get a hobby." She continued to sail on past them and into the kitchen, offering nothing more.

"Even your sister sees it," his mother sighed. "Is this what you want her to grow up with? Seeing that it's okay to just give up when life doesn't go your way?"

Kendall sat up fast, the familiar anger rising to the surface. "Doesn't go my way?" he echoed. "Like this is just a contest I didn't win or a raise I didn't get? It's so much more, Mom, it's my entire fucking life!"

"Don't use that language with me. I'm not your enemy and I'm only saying these things because I love you. This isn't the end of the world."

"It's the end of _my_ world! Why can't you see that? Why can't you understand that?"

"It's the end of one possible path your life was going to take. That's all. I'm not trying to minimize it, Kendall, I know how much hockey meant to you. I understand that it was everything. But honey...there are so many other paths you could've chosen, and now that one is blocked off. It's got a 'Do Not Enter' sign and you have to keep walking until you find the new path that's open for you. I promise, baby, there's something else out there for you. You're so smart and passionate and you have such a big heart and...you're so much more than you realize. I don't want to see it go to waste."

Though Kendall wanted to continue arguing with her, the sight of Katie peeking out of the kitchen with sad eyes stopped the words from coming. For the first time, he truly saw what his injury had done to her, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it was his refusal to live that had affected her so deeply. In her gaze he saw fear, sadness, concern, and a silent plea for him to come back because she missed him. What killed Kendall most was the way her bottom lip trembled in an effort to keep from crying; the tears she couldn't fight sprouted and spilled over, and the anger went out of Kendall.

"Katie..."

"Please, Kendall," she begged with a broken voice. "Just...live again."

He started to move but she was gone, the sound of her footsteps pounding down the hallway followed by the slamming of a door. He rubbed a hand over his face, hating himself for causing his baby sister pain and worry. When he realized his mother was still standing over him and waiting patiently, he asked, "How?"

"How what, honey?" she replied in a gentle tone.

"How do I find another path when that's all I know?"

"Well..." Choosing her words carefully and still a little afraid Kendall might lash out, she continued, "I guess you have to open your eyes to what else is out there."

"But how? I don't even know where to start."

"It's...uh..." Casting about in her brain and coming up empty, relief flooded her when her eyes fell upon the newspaper she'd dropped on the coffee table earlier that morning. "Here!" She quickly paged to the local section and opened the paper to job openings. "Why not look through here and see if there's anything at all that appeals to you?"

"You want me to apply for a job with nothing but a high school diploma?"

"Why not? Plenty of people have jobs with that, and some with even less. Kendall, I'm not saying you have to take one of these jobs. Just look through them and see if anything pops out at you. If it's something that requires a degree, we'll talk more about it and you can consider college. It's just...a place to start."

Kendall sighed heavily, the idea of searching through pages of prospective jobs both daunting and exhausting. Remembering Katie's plea, though, he took the newspaper from his mother and relaxed back onto the sofa. "Fine, but can I get a snack? I'm gonna need something to get me through this."

His mother rolled her eyes but nodded. "I'm going to start dinner soon, so not too much. I'll bring you some fruit."

"Whatever."

Thoughts still on Katie, Kendall began to skim the tiny print as his mother left him in peace. Thirty minutes later he'd devoured an apple and laid waste to a tall glass of milk, but found not one job that sparked even a glimmer of interest in him. Knowing it was a lost cause, he closed the newspaper and tossed it onto the coffee table in defeat; his fears had been true, he had no interests and no talent outside of hockey. Life was over.

About to collapse back into the sofa cushions again, Kendall's motion came to a halt when his gaze caught on a familiar face smiling up at him from the back page of the local section. There he was, the cause of all of this, staring up at Kendall in black and white with his hair perfectly in place as it hung down almost to his shoulders. James Diamond looked different outside of a hockey uniform, softer somehow and with a dreamy look in his eyes that was completely opposite of the fire he usually aimed Kendall's way.

"LOCAL TALENT READY TO MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF" claimed the headline, Kendall's gaze narrowing as he picked up the paper and brought it closer to read the article.

 _James Diamond has been singing since the age of four, according to his mother Brooke. Music was always his first love, and as a boy Diamond could often be found dancing to his favorite songs, whether at a family gathering or alone in his room. Brooke recalls many nights when she'd have to yell at her son to turn the music down and focus on homework. "He's been obsessed with singing for as long as I can remember," she smiles. "That and hockey, but he never wanted to go professional in hockey. He's always wanted to be a star."_

 _Diamond might now get his chance. Multi-platinum producer Gustavo Rocque will be judging a singing contest right here in Minnesota this coming Saturday, the winner scoring not only a recording contract but a highly-coveted spot on the popular television show "National Pop Star." The show follows two singing hopefuls competing for fame, fortune, and most importantly, a contract with a top recording company. Rocque has made stops in six other states but recently claimed he'd had no luck, saying he's still looking for "that fire." For the show, Rocque's chosen contestant will go up against another hopeful that will be selected by fellow big-name producer George Hawk._

 _Though there will be more than twenty competing Saturday, Diamond is one of only a few hopefuls who hails from Minnesota and is whispered to be the top contender, having won seven singing contests throughout his eighteen years and praised by both his former choir instructor and private vocal coach, Thomas Ryan. "James has what it takes, no question," Ryan shares. "He's got the looks, the attitude, and most importantly, the pipes. All James needs is a chance, and I'm positive that after hearing him sing, Rocque will give him that."_

 _As for Diamond himself, it's clear when he speaks that this would be a dream come true for him. "I can't imagine doing anything else with my life," he smiles, eyes lighting up. "Being on a stage and singing to huge crowds, that's all I've ever wanted to do. It's everything to me. I'm going to_ _win this. I have to."_

The remainder of the article was devoted to listing the time and place of Saturday's competition, reminding readers that admittance was open to anyone for a donation, proceeds going to the arts program of a local high school. Kendall barely skimmed that, though, attention focused on the quote from James.

" _...that's all I've ever wanted to do. It's everything to me."_

Kendall's face flushed as adrenaline pumped through him and a fire started to burn deep inside. There _was_ one other talent Kendall possessed, one he'd completely forgotten about simply because he rarely used it and found no value in it other than to pass the time while showering or cleaning, sometimes even while practicing alone on the ice. Kendall enjoyed singing. As a child, he'd been told numerous times that he had a gift. He'd always brushed it off, though; what was singing in comparison to hockey? He recalled now that his mother had attempted to enroll him in choir in junior high, thinking it was a hobby much less likely to result in broken bones than hockey, but Kendall had adamantly refused. Even Katie had complimented his singing on the rare occasions she caught him doing it.

But was it anywhere near enough to win a contest pitting him against singers who'd devoted most of their lives to training for it? He certainly didn't have the looks or attitude to go with the voice, especially with the limp that would keep him from dancing should the need arise. Besides, did he really want to move to Los Angeles and be on some stupid reality show that would put him in the spotlight in front of not only thousands but millions of eyes even if he did win by some fluke?

Of course not. What was he thinking?

" _...that's all I've ever wanted to do. It's everything to me."_

Yes, Kendall knew that feeling, and knew what it felt like to have everything ripped away in the span in a few seconds. He'd suffered every single day for the previous three months, and was looking forward to nothing more than an entire life of the same misery.

All because of Diamond.

Kendall didn't want to be a star, at least not in a famous sense. He didn't even want to spend his life on stages singing. What he did want, in fact _needed_ , was to make Diamond pay. Only then could he move on with his life and start to heal. As he pictured Diamond's face while sitting at home watching him on television every week, Kendall's lips quirked up into a smile. It was the first he'd experienced in three months, and as horrible as the reason for it was, he felt good. He felt... _alive._

Kendall Knight had a purpose again. James Diamond was going down.

* * *

Kendall's mother only argued with the idea for a short time before acquiescing because even though she didn't understand his sudden desire to participate in the type of contest he'd despised all his life, she was smart enough to realize that it was a start on Kendall's search for a new path. The idea of uprooting their lives and moving to a new state was daunting, but anything that would give her son back that zest for life he'd lost was worth a shot. Her one fear was that Kendall's losing the contest would set him further back in his mental recovery, and she hoped for his sake that he at least could come in second to the winner; even being that close to victory might bring back his fire.

Upon hearing that they could possibly end up moving to Los Angeles for six weeks, Katie was ecstatic; not only would it bring her brother back to life, it was Hollywood! All the stars, the people, the glamour, the excitement...what was not to love about it? After Kendall researched the contest more and discovered he'd have to choose a song to sing, Katie helped him pick out one that showcased his vocal talents and then listened to him practice over and over while tossing out suggestions to fine-tune what was not a trained voice but needed to sound like one.

As for Kendall, having a goal again did wonders for his mental state. He cleaned himself up, exercised his knee each day, and sang so much he worried his voice might give out on him before Saturday arrived. When it came, though, his vocal chords were in shape and ready for the workout he would give them in an attempt to impress a man who by all accounts was an extremely harsh judge. They left the house in high spirits, Kendall determined to win as he imagined Diamond's face upon hearing him open his mouth on that stage. It was time for payback.

Because Kendall had been a late entrant to the contest, there was a delay in getting him checked in and by the time he was sent to the room where the hopefuls were gathered to wait, a third of them had already auditioned. Kendall spied Diamond pacing in a corner by himself, immediately recognizing the same nerves he usually sported before a championship game. James was terrified, and why not? His entire life was on the line. Losing this would ruin him.

The thought brought a smirk to Kendall's face, and when James glanced up and their gazes clashed, he did a double-take before halting and staring across the room at Kendall with wide eyes. "You came," he managed in a voice full of awe, closing the distance between them until they were able to talk quietly and be heard.

The words made no sense to Kendall, but he didn't give them a second thought. What he noticed was that Diamond's face was lit up and glowing in a way he'd never seen before. Diamond's dark hair framed his face, having been trimmed but still so long it hovered just over his shoulders. He wore black jeans and a shirt of the same shade, both of them giving him a sleek but stylish appearance, with black suede boots completing the look. It was a far cry from the aggressive, sweaty opponent Kendall was used to facing on the ice, and for a second it threw his focus off enough that he forgot why he was there. Diamond's teeth were so white as to almost blind him through the wide smile shining back at him. "I..."

"Does this mean you forgive me?" James asked hesitantly, biting his lip before continuing. "We're good?"

In a matter of seconds, it all came crashing back. Kendall remembered _exactly_ why he was here and all that Diamond had cost him. "Forgive you?" he echoed in a disbelieving voice. "You think I could ever forgive someone who ruined my life and stole everything I live for right out from under my feet?"

The smile faltered before dying, James' eyes losing that sparkle. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...I left you a card, did you get it?"

"Oh, I got it. It's the reason I'm here today. You're going down, Diamond. Eye for an eye."

Confusion blurred James' features for a moment. "Eye for an..." It hit him then, the reality of his situation slamming home. "Wait, you're here to _compete_? You're singing today?!"

"I'm _winning_ today. This is your one shot at the big time, and I'm stealing it from you. I want you to know what it feels like to lose everything the way I did when you stole my life from me."

"Kendall..." Hardly able to comprehend what he was hearing, James grasped for words. "No, I never meant to...I would never do that to you on purpose, you _know_ that, I'd give anything to take it back, I'm so sorry, it was just a stupid reaction in the heat of the moment, I never dreamed-"

"None of that matters. You ruined me. I'm going to ruin you today."

Before James could even think of a reply, his name was being called by a woman peeking into the room. "Diamond! James Diamond, you're up!"

Both Kendall and James turned toward the voice before staring at each other again—James with panic in his gaze, Kendall with satisfaction. "Go on, Diamond. Show 'em what you got."

"No, I..." Terror more evident than before, James called out, "Can someone else go now? I'm not ready!"

"Now or never, this is your chance. Mr. Rocque doesn't like to be kept waiting," was the response.

Kendall crossed his arms over his chest and smirked in amusement. "Good luck out there. _Break a leg,_ " he sneered.

James' face fell, sorrow creasing his features. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Diamond! Are we skipping you or not?"

Having no choice, James moved away and followed the woman, Kendall watching his slumped shoulders with a grin. No way would Diamond win this, not now; his entire focus had been shattered. Kendall's job was half done.

It was a long wait until he was called, being the last to audition, but when it happened, Kendall was ready. He felt the curious gazes when his slight limp was noted, not letting it bother him and instead focusing on the song he'd rehearsed a hundred times with Katie. He took a moment to center himself, finding his family in the audience and smiling when they cheered him on loudly, and the sight of Diamond sitting in the back row surprised him but didn't derail him; he simply decided to avoid that area while singing. Rocque was even more intimidating than he'd read, but Kendall didn't let that bother him either. He inhaled deeply, entered the zone in his mind, and sang his song from the heart while meeting the producer's judgmental stare head-on.

The silence when he finished lasted only a few seconds before applause rang out in the auditorium. Nothing could be gauged from Rocque's face, so Kendall didn't worry about it and took a bow before exiting the stage and making his way slowly to the seat his mother and Katie had saved for him. He chanced a glance at Diamond along the way, steps faltering when he saw an expression that was nothing like he'd expected. Kendall had assumed Diamond would be angry, worried, perhaps even jealous or scared. Instead the gaze that met his was haunted, with a hint of hurt, surprise (Kendall had obviously managed to impress him with talent) and something Kendall couldn't put his finger on as no one had ever looked at him that way before. It was an expression that left him feeling unsettled enough that he quickly averted his eyes and shook it off before lowering himself next to Katie, who whispered, "You knocked it out of the park, bro! So proud of you!"

Kendall smiled and thanked her, letting his mother reach across to squeeze his hand and say the same thing with her eyes. "You were definitely the best," she added. "If you don't win, this thing is rigged."

"How was Diamond?" Kendall couldn't help but ask softly, needing to hear it.

"He bombed," Katie replied. "It was kind of sad, really, you could tell he was just nervous or something. He has a good voice but his whole performance was so off. I almost felt bad for him."

A twinge of guilt surfaced for a few seconds, Kendall quickly shaking that off, too. Diamond deserved this, he'd brought this on himself. "He'll live," was all he commented, knowing that wasn't quite accurate because he'd experienced it himself; Diamond would die inside, would be miserable because his life was over.

As Kendall had been the last to perform, all that remained was the announcement of the winner. Rocque himself handled that, his assistant joining him on the stage and Kendall noting it was the woman who'd been calling each entrant earlier, and no one was surprised when the name Kendall Knight was proclaimed the winner. Victory surged through him as he approached the stage to be congratulated by the judge himself. He smiled as he shook Rocque's hand, the adrenaline of winning coursing through him, and when he made a point to rub it in Diamond's face only to find that Diamond was no longer in the room, Kendall smiled even wider.

Diamond had gone down, and it felt _fantastic._


	2. Chapter 2

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of Big Time Rush.

In the last chapter, I forgot to thank my wonderful friend who edits these stories for me. THANK YOU. You are my rock.

* * *

Gustavo Rocque proved to be extremely difficult; he was demanding, rude, belligerent, and obnoxious, and twice Kendall almost bowed out of the project simply because Rocque pissed him off so much. Both times he reminded himself of the two reasons he wanted to do this—first, to make Diamond feel what he had, and second, he'd discovered that he actually did enjoy singing on a stage for others. Perhaps because he'd never allowed himself the experience before, he had no way of knowing that until now, and while he wasn't looking forward to all of the fame that would come with it, he would at least have fun performing each week on the live television show.

Rocque's assistant, Kelly, went a long way toward smoothing out disagreements between them by intervening just when one or both of them was about to blow. Kendall would say she earned her paycheck more by being the buffer between Rocque and the rest of the world than by the actual work she did, but she was worth every penny and made the transition from Minnesota to California as seamless as possible.

Two days after the audition, Kendall and his family were flown to Hollywood and escorted by Kelly to a live-in hotel called The Palm Woods (more familiarly known as "the home of the future famous"); as they walked through the lobby and toward a reception desk, Kendall noted that the majority of the inhabitants seemed to be teenagers like himself, and it filled him with a longing for something he hadn't had probably since he'd moved away from Diamond at the age of eight—friends. Until this moment, he hadn't honestly wanted any. His entire life had changed, though, and for the first time Kendall was looking around and seeing things he'd been missing over the years. When a girl with long dark hair winked at him in passing, he thought that maybe he'd even find himself a girlfriend for a change. What would that be like?

His attention was drawn back to the current moment when he heard his name, Kelly explaining to the young man behind the counter who Kendall was and that Mr. Rocque had made arrangements for him and his family to rent an apartment for the next six weeks. The boy seemed capable but shy, Kendall noting that he hardly looked up from his computer when speaking and avoided their gazes when he did.

"I've got it right here, you've been placed in 2J. The apartment was recently redecorated, so it should be to your liking but if you find any problems, please don't hesitate to let us know. The front desk is unmanned from ten P.M. until six A.M. but there's an emergency number that rings through to my Uncle Reginald, who runs the place. My name is Logan, by the way." The boy's face flushed deep red at making himself the center of attention. "If there's anything I can help you with during your stay, please let me know."

Kendall smiled at Logan, hoping to drag an answering one from the boy, but all that did was cause Logan to blush again and drop his gaze toward the screen. His dark hair was perfectly combed into place, Kendall noting the razor-straight part running along the side, and for a brief moment he had a wild urge to reach out and mess up the rigid style. He ignored it and instead opened his mouth to assure Logan that they'd come to him with any issues, but before he could speak even one word Logan's body was being shoved rudely aside by a much larger one.

"Kendall Knight, welcome!" the newcomer gushed. "You're the contestant sent to us by Gustavo Rocque, aren't you? Welcome to the Palm Woods! I'm Reginald Bitters and I'm in charge around here, so if you need anything, you just let me know. I'll get you checked in and—"

"I believe Logan just did that," Kendall interrupted, already beginning to detest the pompous blowhard. Logan had moved aside and was looking down at his feet as if ashamed. "We're in 2J, we just need the keys."

"Which Logan was about to give us before you so rudely shoved him away," Katie pointed out.

The man peeked over the counter at her with a dismissive glance. "Is she with you?" he asked Kendall.

"She's my sister, Katie. And this is my mother. Surely Gustavo informed you I'd be bringing my family along."

"Yes, there are three listed as occupants. If you'll follow me, I'll show you to your room. Leave your bags, my nephew can get them."

Kendall raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "All six of them? It's fine, we can—"

"Absolutely not, I won't hear of it!" Mr. Bitters protested. "You're guests here and will be treated as such. Logan? Quit standing around and grab their bags!"

Without a word Logan moved forward to pick up the suitcases, Kendall allowing him to grab two before placing a restraining hand on the third. "We've got it," he said quietly, proud of Katie when she doubled back to pick up one of her own as the others were moving toward the elevator. Kendall lifted one of the bags over his shoulder and grabbed the remaining two. When Logan looked as if he was about to argue, Kendall said gently, "Dude, no offense but you're like half my size. There's no way you can carry all this."

He was rewarded with a rueful smile that changed Logan's entire face. "My uncle's a little demanding," he admitted.

"I'll say," Katie commented. "He's a jerk."

"Katie, shh!" Kendall warned, though he agreed with the sentiment. "Don't go pissing off the owner on the first day."

"Oh, he's not the owner," Logan said as they carried the bags across the lobby. "He's just the manager. He works for the owners."

"Does he at least pay you?" Katie wanted to know.

"I'm not here for money," was all Logan said before they squeezed into the elevator with the other three. With all of the suitcases it was a tight fit, Kendall hoping he wasn't making Logan uncomfortable by pressing up against him and surprised when Logan instead relaxed back against him for the short ride. Maybe he'd already managed to make a friend. The thought brought a smile to Kendall's face.

Bitters led them to the apartment on the second floor, opening the door with a flourish and stepping back to allow them in. "Your quarters, sir."

Kendall caught Logan rolling his eyes and bit back a laugh as he entered the apartment. It was smaller than the house they'd come from, with the kitchen and living room separated only by a counter that boasted stools; he supposed it passed for a breakfast bar. His mother disappeared down a hallway, coming back to declare that there were three bedrooms, which was perfect. "I didn't see a bathroom, though," she added with a frown.

"Oh, that's right through here," Logan offered helpfully. He stepped across the kitchen and gestured at a door Kendall had mistaken for a closet, reaching in to turn on the light. "It's a lot bigger than it looks from out here."

"I'm sure it's fine," Jennifer replied with a kind smile for Logan. "Thank you."

Right on cue, he blushed again. Kendall decided he'd have to work on that.

Kelly distracted Bitters with talk of rent and a plan for payment while Katie and Jennifer took a more detailed tour of the apartment, leaving Kendall an opportunity to speak to Logan alone. "Thanks," he said softly.

"For what?"

"For helping with the bags and getting us checked in."

"It's my job," Logan pointed out.

"One that you don't get paid for."

Logan shrugged, not seeming to be bothered by the idea.

"Can I at least give you a tip? I'm kind of new around here and I don't know how much—"

"I have to turn over all my tips to my uncle," Logan interrupted. "So please, save yourself a few bucks that would be much better spent in the vending machine downstairs. Which I forgot to show you, it's in the corner of the lobby."

"I'll find it," Kendall grinned. "So you just work the front desk every day?"

"For now. I'll be moving back home for school in a few weeks."

"Oh." Disappointed, Kendall asked, "Where's home?"

"Ohio. I just came out here for the summer."

"To be your uncle's slave?"

"To earn credit toward college," Logan corrected. "Every hour here goes toward volunteer hours for my major."

"Which is?"

"Haven't decided yet. I've always wanted to be a doctor but after living here for three months..."

"What?" Kendall pressed when Logan trailed off.

"I've just...opened my eyes to a lot of possibilities that I never knew existed."

Kendall wanted to dig deeper into that but was hailed by Kelly, who passed him a business card. "Just in case you lost the other one I gave you. Please put my number in your phone."

"It's already there," Kendall promised.

"Gustavo has graciously allowed you to have the night to yourself, but we'll expect you at Rocque Records at 8 A.M. sharp. I'm warning you now, Kendall, he's going to run you ragged. Rest up tonight as much as you can."

"I'm used to a grueling practice schedule. Gustavo will be a piece of cake."

Kelly shook her head with a pitying look. "Just get some rest. I gave your mother money for food; please don't go overboard with it. It needs to last a week."

"Understood."

"Call me if you need anything. Or I guess call Mr. Bitters."

"Absolutely," Bitters beamed, rushing up to them. "We're here for you, Kendall, anything you need!"

Kendall nodded slowly, not missing that Logan was refraining from rolling his eyes again. "Thanks. I'm good for now."

"Wonderful. Come along, Logan. Quit bothering the guests."

Logan turned to trail his uncle and Kelly out the door, Kendall wanting to say something but coming up empty. The best he could do was, "See you around!"

There was a shy glance back over Logan's shoulder. He hoped Logan wouldn't be forced to man the desk until ten, because a plan was already forming in his mind to gain Logan's company for dinner.

* * *

It was an hour later when Kendall took a break from unpacking and getting settled in to look at the time. Four wasn't too early to invite someone to dinner, was it? Better to ask now before Logan made other plans. After discovering his mother taking stock of the supplies in the kitchen cabinets, Kendall got her attention.

"How do we call the front desk? Is there some kind of phone in here?"

"Yeah, it's on that wall." She gestured vaguely behind him. "We have a gourmet coffee maker, Kendall! I always wanted one but couldn't afford it!"

"That's great," Kendall chuckled, spinning to spy a black phone fastened to the wall. "Where's Katie?"

"She ran down to check out the pool. I was a little nervous about letting her go by herself, but—"

"She'll be fine. I might head down to the lobby soon anyway, I'll check on her." Kendall noted the card taped to the wall stating that all long-distance calls would be billed to the room, then picked up the handset. "So do I just dial...?"

"Try '0'. That's how most hotels work. What did you need, honey?"

"Uh..." Not comfortable admitting to his mother that he wanted to ask Logan to dinner, he fibbed, "I was wondering if there's a vending machine in this place."

"Oh, good question! Let me know."

Kendall was saved by the sudden ringing of his mother's cell phone and her scowl after looking at the display. "Can they not survive even one day without me at work? I've only been gone one day!" she yelled at her phone, then groaned and escaped down the hall to answer it. Kendall breathed a sigh of relief and pressed the button marked '0', wondering why he felt the need to be embarrassed about hanging out with a potential friend for dinner.

"Front desk, how may I be of service?"

Kendall grinned, recognizing Logan's voice immediately. "You can have dinner with me."

Dead silence greeted that statement.

"Logan? This is Kendall from 2J."

"I know who it is," he hissed. "Are you...? What?!"

"I'm new here and I don't know anyone and you seemed cool, and I wanted to have dinner with you. I mean...not like _that_ , just...you know. Friends or whatever." Now Kendall was the one feeling awkward, as if he'd made a fool of himself.

"I...um. That's..." Logan seemed to be grasping for words.

"What time do you get a dinner break?" He knew he was being pushy, but also that Logan needed that because of his shyness. Or had Logan only been nice earlier because it was his job? Sudden doubts assaulted Kendall and he wondered if he'd made a huge mistake that would make his life hell over the next two weeks.

"I don't actually get one," Logan admitted. "I have a standing order to take one of our residents dinner each night and I usually eat then, at a table nearby. I don't take too long or Uncle Reg gets mad."

"Are you serious? How do you not get a dinner break? Isn't that against the law or something?"

"Since I'm not actually a paid employee, laws don't apply to me. It's fine, I get a lunch break and I take about twenty minutes to eat dinner, so it's enough."

"No, it's not enough. You're telling me you work that desk for fourteen hours with only a quick lunch?"

"Lunch is thirty minutes and dinner is whatever I can manage. It's fine, Kendall, it's only for a few more weeks."

"It's not fine! He's the one who works here, not you. He's using you as his slave!"

"Look, I appreciate that you care, but don't worry about it. You've got enough to deal with once this competition gets underway."

"But I only have a few weeks with you. What about breakfast tomorrow, before you hit the desk?"

"I'm scheduled to be at the front desk at six."

"Damn. Is there a Denny's around here, a place that's open all night so we can get breakfast that early?"

"Kendall..."

Kendall heard what Logan was trying to figure out how to say nicely and understood that he wasn't interested. "Okay. Sorry. I'll back off. I just...it's been a long time since I met someone I actually cared to talk to."

"That's...really nice, but...I'm not...I'm only here for a few weeks and—yes, Miss Turner, I'll send the handyman up right away. He should be there within ten minutes."

Kendall sighed, knowing that the nonsensical words meant Logan's uncle had joined him. "See you around, Logan."

"I'm sorry about the problem. Hopefully it won't make your stay unenjoyable."

"I'll live," Kendall replied. "Enjoy your non-dinner."

He hung up feeling dejected, understanding for the first time how it felt to be rejected. Logan wasn't interested in getting to know him better or even in being friends. He'd have to live with that.

An hour after that, Kendall was still bothered by Logan's dismissal. He knew he needed to let it go, but of course letting go had never been Kendall's strong suit; his greatest strength had always been that he never stopped fighting for something he wanted. In the past, that passion had applied only to hockey. Though hockey wasn't part of his present or future, that need to keep fighting and to face every challenge still ran deep in Kendall and he wasn't ready to give up just yet. Perhaps one more attempt, this time in person because he could read Logan's feelings better that way.

He changed into a tank top and board shorts, donning flip flops and grabbing a towel before searching for his mother. "I'm going down to the pool!" he called out, grinning when the scent of freshly-brewed coffee reached his nostrils. He found his mother relaxed on the sofa while taking in a romance movie with her feet up on the table and a steaming mug in her grip.

"Check on your sister for me!"

"I will. Did you plan anything for dinner?"

"I was thinking we'd do pizza. I'm in heaven and I don't want to move more than I have to."

"Okay. I might just grab dinner out. I'll let you know if I take Katie with me."

"Thanks. Have fun while you can, honey!"

"I'm gonna try."

Kendall took the elevator down to the lobby, immediately searching for Logan and surprised to find the desk unmanned. Along with a bell, a new sign had been added inviting residents to "Please ring bell for service." Excellent—that most likely meant Logan was eating dinner somewhere; now all Kendall had to do was find him.

He detoured to the pool, not seeing Katie in it or around it and experiencing a twinge of panic until he spied her seated at a table near the cabanas. She was flanked by three teens, all of them looking depressed, and Kendall shook his head in pity; they'd been stupid enough to accept her challenge to a game of poker. He approached the table and sure enough, there was a stack of cash next to Katie's elbow. "Don't go too hard on them, baby sis."

"I can't help it if they suck. Uh...no offense, guys."

One of the teens glared at her but continued to play.

"Mom's gonna order pizza soon, I think."

"Cool, I'll be up in about a half hour. Tell her to get wings, too; with this much cash, I can pay for them."

Kendall chuckled as he texted his mother the message, getting five steps away before doubling back. "Hey, you didn't happen to see Logan around, did you?"

She pointed to a room across the pool, with a sliding glass door leading into it.

"I thought that was the gym," Kendall frowned.

"It is. He took some bags in there a few minutes ago."

"Perfect. Thanks, Katie."

"Don't mention it." She laid down her hand. "Read 'em and weep, my friends."

Kendall left to the disgusted noises of her opponents losing once again. He peeked through the glass of the gym door, seeing two men in the small boxing ring but not spotting Logan anywhere. He recalled Logan mentioning something about "a table nearby" and glanced around but Logan wasn't at any of the tables surrounding the pool. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, only vaguely aware of the two men but hearing enough to know one was coaching the other in what sounded like wrestling. Rounding the ring, Kendall's eyes lit up triumphantly as he spotted Logan sitting alone at a table just outside a second set of glass doors. He still wore the yellow shirt under the black blazer with his name tag and the Palm Woods logo over his chest. "Gotcha!" Kendall whispered.

Logan was so engrossed in whatever he was watching that he didn't notice Kendall until his view was blocked. He started, almost dropping the sandwich half he'd been nibbling at. "Kendall!"

"Hey. So I know you aren't interested, but this is my last night before I really start working and can we at least hang out for a little while? My mom's ordering pizza and you're invited to join us if you want."

Looking apologetic enough that Kendall knew what was coming, Logan sighed and gestured to the empty chair next to him. "It's not that I don't want to."

Kendall dropped into the chair. "No?"

"No. I'm not technically allowed to fraternize with the guests."

"Oh." Kendall had never considered that. "But it's just dinner."

"I know, but it's also seeing you in a social setting outside of work."

"You're not even an employee, isn't that what you said?"

"Yeah, but...Uncle Reg would see it as me bothering the residents and I'm strictly forbidden from doing that."

"Please, you're not a bother," Kendall assured him. He watched Logan take another small bite from his sandwich while staring into the gym. Noting the bag of what smelled like food next to Logan's plate, he asked, "Aren't you technically working now? That's for some resident, right? The one you take dinner to every night?"

"Yeah. I'm supposed to go back once he comes over to get it, my job is done then."

"Logan..." Kendall tried to figure out a way to convince him that dinner wasn't against the rules. "Wait. I got it."

"What?" Gaze still fixated inside the gym, Logan seemed to hardly be listening.

"I demand you bring me dinner every night."

"What?!" Logan repeated, now turning to look at Kendall in shock. "You can't."

"Why not? Someone else does."

"Yes, but it's a standing order. His coach pays for that."

"Then Gustavo can pay for this. What time do you have to have his dinner here?"

"Around five, but—"

"Then I demand mine around six."

"You don't understand, Kendall, he's an athlete in training and that's why he does this. He has to eat certain things at certain times and—"

"And delivering my dinner won't interfere with that at all. It's an entire hour later. You can eat with me instead of here by yourself."

"Kendall...no, it's..."

"It's what?"

"Complicated," Logan replied, setting down his sandwich. "I'm sorry, you're a really nice guy and I wouldn't mind hanging out with you, I just can't...not for dinner. I need to eat my dinner here."

"You don't have to, though! We can—"

Kendall stopped talking at the realization that Logan was no longer listening to him and had in fact straightened in his chair and was clearing his throat. He reached for a napkin and wiped his mouth neatly, Kendall's gaze narrowing when he understood that Logan was preparing himself for something. No, some _one_. Glancing over toward the gym, Kendall saw that the practice session was over and the younger of the athletes was now making his way toward them. It took a few moments for it to sink in that Logan was nervous about the impending meeting, but also breathless in anticipation.

 _Oh my god. He's got a thing for this dude._

The knowledge slammed home with no room for doubt, Kendall watching in silent amusement as the short but muscle-bound young man moved the glass door aside and smiled at Logan. "Hey, buddy! Right on time! As always."

"It's my job, Carlos," Logan blushed, Kendall feeling waves of infatuation radiating from him. It all made sense now, why Logan insisted on fulfilling these duties himself.

The young man peeked into the bag and nodded, a few stray beads of sweat dripping from his black hair toward his brows. Logan's hand stretched out toward a clean napkin as if he wanted to wipe the sweat away, but instead he sat silently fighting what was to Kendall an obvious urge to stare up at Carlos dreamily.

"Perfect. Thanks, dude." Tilting his head in Kendall's general direction, Carlos asked, "Hey, you a friend of Logan's?"

Suddenly remembering that Kendall was present, Logan spun back to look at him. "Uh, this is Kendall, he's—"

"Hi," Kendall said easily, standing to shake hands. "Kendall Knight, I just moved in today."

"What do you do, Kendall?"

"I sing."

"Oh, awesome! Wait, are you one of the contestants for that show?"

"Yeah. Gustavo Rocque is training me."

"I heard he's really tough."

"I'll find out," Kendall shrugged. "Are you a wrestler?"

"I'm more of an actor," Carlos admitted sheepishly. "It's true what they say about pro wrestling, it's more of a soap opera than anything else. But it's so much fun!"

"Carlos is going to be the youngest wrestler they've ever had in the federation," Logan announced proudly. "He's already signed a contract."

Carlos glanced at Logan for a second before dropping his eyes and reaching for the bag, Kendall noting his cheeks coloring slightly under the darker skin. "Yeah. Well, thanks again, buddy. See you tomorrow night."

"Night," was all Logan could manage as Carlos turned to walk away.

Thinking fast, Kendall blurted, "Why don't you eat here, with us?" He ignored the wide, panicked gaze coming from Logan and smiled at Carlos, who had spun back at the invitation. "Or better yet, my mom's gonna order pizza. I don't know if you can eat that, but you're totally welcome to join us."

"Kendall, no, I have to get back to the front desk," Logan protested. "Uncle Reg expects me to—"

"To be of service to the residents, right?" Kendall countered. "I'm a resident and I need you."

Carlos smirked before shrugging. "I'm not really supposed to eat pizza but I do get one cheat meal a week and I haven't had it yet. What do you say, Logan?"

"I...um..."

Kendall could see that because it was Carlos asking, Logan was having a difficult time declining the offer. He capitalized on the moment with, "I bet if you told your uncle it was Carlos you were helping, he'd be cool with it."

Logan shook his head. "Actually, you're the big star around here now. That's why he sucked up to you so much. Normally he's an ass to the guests."

"That's even better," Kendall grinned. He slid out his phone and checked his messages to see one from his mother stating that dinner would be arriving within thirty minutes. "I'll tell you what. When the pizza gets here, I'll call the front desk and say I need help with...what are you good at?"

"What isn't he?" Carlos chuckled. When Logan looked up in surprise, Carlos added, "Whenever someone asks a question at the front desk, you know the answer right away. You don't even have to look up directions or anything, you just...know."

"I have a photographic memory," Logan offered shyly. "It makes things easy to remember."

"Okay," Kendall nodded. "So...you can say I need help getting around the city. Honestly it doesn't matter what it is, just tell him I need you and that should be enough. You can grab Carlos along the way."

The idea of being alone with Carlos brought back the panic so that Logan couldn't speak.

"Or I can just text you, Carlos. If you don't mind giving me your number."

"Why not? We'll both be here awhile, right?"

"At least six weeks for me," Kendall agreed. "Logan's leaving in a few weeks, though."

Carlos' face fell as he turned to Logan. "You are?"

"Well, it's...I mean, I'm supposed to, but...I'm still making up my mind."

Kendall crossed his arms over his chest with a smirk but said nothing.

"Oh," Carlos replied. "That would suck. I hope you stay."

With just four words, Kendall thought Carlos might have pulled off the impossible and convinced Logan to drop out of school. "We'll see," was all he committed to. "I need to get back now."

"I'll call you!" Kendall reminded him as he tossed his mostly-uneaten sandwich in the bag and rushed back toward the lobby. "Don't forget!"

Together they watched until Logan was out of sight, Carlos turning to smile at Kendall. "Thanks! I've been trying to hang out with him for weeks but I never knew how to ask. I think I annoy him, he never looks at me."

"Are you kidding?" Kendall laughed. "When I first came over here, he couldn't take his eyes off you."

"Seriously? Why won't he talk to me?"

"He's shy. The only reason I asked you to join us for dinner is because I knew he would never have the guts to make a move. No offense."

"None taken!" Carlos beamed. "I thought he hated me!"

"Nah, he's just really shy. What's your number?" Once details had been exchanged, Kendall asked, "So, you want to come upstairs with me now?"

"I really need a shower, dude. Gotta look my best for Logan, right?" he winked.

"I don't think that'll be a problem," Kendall chuckled. "Apartment 2J, just come up whenever you're ready. Pizza will be here soon."

"Perfect. So really, he was watching me?"

"I felt like I was barely even in the room."

"Wow. All this time I thought he ate here because he had to."

"Definitely not."

"Okay, awesome! See you soon, then! Thanks again!"

"No problem!"

Kendall watched the young man bound away with the energy of a five-year-old and smiled. Carlos would be good for Logan; he looked forward to seeing how this progressed. He'd never imagined himself a matchmaker, but decided it felt good to bring people together. Remembering the black-haired girl that had winked at him in the lobby, Kendall hoped that maybe Logan could return the favor. It would be nice to have someone special in his life for once.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of Big Time Rush.

# #

Twenty-five minutes later, Kendall opened the door of his new apartment to greet a terrified Logan. Immediately wanting to soothe Logan's fears, he placed a steadying hand on Logan's shoulder and steered him in. "It's gonna be fine," he promised. "Carlos really likes you."

"You just met him, you can't possibly know that!" Logan hissed, arms reaching around his own body as if to contain nervous energy.

"I do. Trust me, Logan. Oh, and I hope you didn't think I was coming on to you earlier. I just really wanted to hang out, you seem like a nice guy."

Once the door was closed, Logan took the opportunity to glance around the living room as if taking stock. "He's not here yet?"

"No, he said he'll be up after a shower. He wanted to look good for you," Kendall hinted.

"Oh, be quiet, now you're just making things up."

"I'm not!" Kendall laughed. "I swear, he said that. Dude, he told me he's been trying to figure out a way to get your attention for weeks. You need to learn how to open up more."

"Look, it's not easy for people like me, okay? I'm sure you've had a thousand girlfriends—" His gaze narrowed on Kendall for a moment before continuing. "—or boyfriends, but some of us are completely inept at social interaction."

"I've never had either," Kendall admitted. "Before I moved here, my entire life was hockey. I never even looked at girls."

"Honestly?" When Kendall nodded, Logan frowned. "Why don't you play anymore?"

This being the first time anyone had asked him outright about the injury, Kendall discovered that it still pained him to think about. "I was injured," he answered. "Someone shattered my knee with a hockey stick. I had surgery but the doctor recommended that I don't do anything too strenuous, so...now I'm a singer."

Logan studied Kendall silently for what felt like ages before asking, "Is that why you limp?"

"Yeah," Kendall replied, his face growing hot. "I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

"It's not. I notice everything, though, so..." Logan shrugged apologetically. Perhaps sensing that Kendall was uncomfortable discussing it, he changed the subject. "So where is everyone?"

"Mom went downstairs to drag Katie away. She's winning a ton of money out by the pool."

"Oh, better make sure my uncle doesn't get wind of that. He'll insist on taking a cut, call it a 'location fee' or something. Pizza smells amazing." As if suddenly remembering that Carlos would be present soon, his fingers lifted to run over his hair and make sure every strand was in place.

"You look fine," Kendall assured him. "I bet you'd look even better without it all plastered to your skull like that."

"It's proper. Professional."

"Boring."

"It's part of my armor, okay? Makes me feel put-together and ready to face the world."

"Okay, okay, I'll back off," Kendall grinned. "Carlos certainly doesn't seem to mind it."

They both turned at the sound of the front door opening. Katie led the way, counting money as she walked and effectively ignoring her mother's lecture about how wrong it was to gamble, especially at her age. The words halted when she spied Kendall and Logan. "Oh, hi boys! Wasn't there a third friend?"

Kendall nodded. "He'll be up soon. Logan, how long can you get away from the desk?"

"Probably not more than a half hour. So he needs to hurry."

"I'll text him."

"No, Kendall, it's fine, don't bother him," Logan argued.

There was a knock on the door before Kendall could call up the number. "Perfect timing. Logan, would you mind getting that while I set the table?"

Logan shot daggers with his eyes, Kendall merely smiling brightly in response while Jennifer disappeared down the hall to confiscate most of Katie's newly-won cash. When Logan still hesitated, reaching up to smooth down his hair again, Kendall promised, "You can do this. You look great."

After swallowing hard, Logan moved to the door and opened it slowly. "Hey," he managed, almost visibly shaking with nerves.

"Hey yourself," came the easy reply. Logan backed up enough to let him in, Carlos appearing relaxed and handsome in blue jeans and a pale yellow t-shirt that set off his darker skin tone. Kendall noted with amusement that he'd taken extra care with his hair and styled it. "Pizza smells amazing."

"That's exactly what Logan said," Kendall grinned. "Come on in, Logan can only stay about a half hour."

"Dude, why don't you ever take a night off? You're allowed that, right?"

Logan closed the door and shrugged. "I was told early on that I'm needed every day and that my free time is between ten and six."

Kendall pointed out, "Which is when you're sleeping. I don't care that you're not an employee, Logan, you still need to be treated with human decency. You're allowed a night off once in awhile."

Carlos nodded his agreement. "Besides, how am I ever gonna take you out to dinner if you're constantly working? I'm down to two weeks here."

Halting in the process of walking from the door to the dining room (not a long trek), Logan spun back to stare at Carlos in shock. "Take me out to dinner?"

Kendall quickly motioned his mother and sister toward the table as they returned to the room.

Their presence seemed to subdue Carlos a bit, though. He managed, "If you're okay with that. We could just do a movie if that's more your style."

Logan swallowed hard again, his upper teeth coming down to pinch his lip. "Uh...sh-sure. We can talk about it later."

"Awesome!" Carlos grinned.

"Who wants pizza?" Kendall announced in an attempt to distract everyone from the intense moment.

"Mom, did you get wings?"

"Yes, Katie," Jennifer answered in a long-suffering tone. "You owe me twenty dollars."

"For wings?! Is everything that expensive out here?"

"Your brother asked me to add on enough for five since he invited his friends. Speaking of which..." Jennifer moved toward Carlos with her hand held out. "Hello, I'm Jennifer. Welcome to our new home."

"Thanks," Carlos smiled before bowing with a flourish. "Carlos Garcia, I'm in 4K."

"This is my daughter Katie, and of course you know Kendall."

"I do. What's up, Katie?"

"You're the wrestler dude, right?"

"Yup! How'd you know?"

"I heard all the gossip downstairs. There's apparently an actress who goes around slapping people randomly, so watch out, Kendall."

"Thanks for the tip," Kendall chuckled. He sat at the table and waited for Carlos and Logan to join him, noting that Logan purposely chose the seat between him and Carlos, and wondered if Logan needed his strength. It wasn't a horrible thought that a friend wanted to lean on him.

Once Jennifer had poured drinks for everyone, she joined them as well. "Would that be professional wrestling, Carlos?"

"Yes, ma'am. I've been training for it half my life, in backyards and gyms back home."

"Where's home?" Kendall wondered.

"Texas," Logan answered, then blushed when he realized how quickly he'd blurted that out.

Carlos smiled at him, though. "See? You know everything."

"It's in your file," Logan explained, Kendall sensing that he'd done plenty of research outside of the file and trying to cover that up.

"I could never live in Texas," Katie shuddered. "Too many guns. Too much ignorance."

"It's not like that. Don't judge a place on what you read. I never felt unwelcome or mistreated there."

"You're twelve, Katie," Kendall pointed out. "You don't know everything. Wings?" he offered to Logan.

"I shouldn't," Logan sighed.

"Come on, live a little," Carlos urged. "This is my cheat meal, don't make me feel guilty for eating stuff that's bad for me. Enjoy it with me."

Logan smiled. "So I'm you're enabler?"

"We all gotta have one, right?" Carlos bumped Logan's shoulder playfully, earning himself a red-faced grin.

Kendall was glad to see him relaxing more with each passing minute, but he changed the subject before Logan could get even more embarrassed. "So what other gossip did you pick up on, Katie? Anything else I should be aware of?"

"What did you find out about Logan?" Carlos interjected in a teasing manner.

"Nothing!" Katie answered immediately. Turning her attention to Logan, she added, "I asked, and nobody knows anything about you except that you're Bitters' nephew and you're always at the front desk. Seriously, dude, get a life."

"It's not that easy," Logan argued. "I have responsibilities; the whole reason I came here for the summer was to volunteer. I can't just be running around having fun all the time."

Kendall reasoned, "That doesn't mean you can't have fun _some_ of the time, though. Katie and Carlos are right about that."

"I guess," Logan sighed. "He just...he always needs me to—"

"To do his work for him," Katie interrupted. "I know his type, he totally takes advantage of you because he can get away with it. Go have fun with Carlos for a night and if he gives you any crap, let me know. I'll take care of him."

Touched by his sister's sense of protection toward Logan, Kendall agreed. "We both will. After all, I'm the star around here, right?"

"One of them," Katie stated. "I also heard today that your competition is supposed to be moving in soon."

"Day after tomorrow," Logan nodded.

"My competition?" Kendall echoed. He hadn't given much thought at all to the other contestant he would be facing off against. All that had mattered was making it to the show and being on television each week to rub Diamond's face in it. "He's gonna live here, too?"

"This _is_ the home of the future famous," Carlos pointed out. "It makes sense. I've been hearing everyone talk about the show for a week now, it's a big deal around here."

Kendall wondered, "Do you know anything about him, Logan? Or...I guess it could be a her, too, right?"

"It could be." Logan reached for a second wing. "Even if I did know, I couldn't give out details; that's against hotel policy. But I don't. All we have in the system is a reserved apartment under George Hawk's name with an arrival date of Wednesday."

"Hawk," Kendall nodded. "That's right, I remember reading about that now. Gustavo goes up against him, right? By training us to compete."

"Exactly," Carlos agreed. "Didn't you ever watch the show before you competed on it?"

"No. I didn't plan to enter the contest until two days before the audition. It kind of just...fell into my lap."

Surprised, Carlos suggested, "You should go back and watch old seasons so you know what to expect. That's what I do with my wrestling. Of course I always watched anyway; I've been a huge fan since I was a kid. How long have you been singing?"

"Five days," Kendall admitted. "I mean, I always sang, I think everyone does growing up. I just never imagined it might one day be a career for me."

"Even though I kept telling him he should think about it," Jennifer stated. "He's got the voice of an angel."

"Mom, I don't sound like an angel."

"Well, your voice is certainly pleasing to the ears. Can I get anyone more soda?"

Katie, Kendall, and Carlos lifted their glasses while she poured.

"Anything else I should know about around here?" Kendall asked the room at large.

"Don't even bother trying to date the Jennifers," Carlos warned.

"The Jennifers?" Kendall echoed with a glance at his mother.

"Oh, I saw them at the pool," Katie nodded. "Totally out of your league, Kendall."

"Gee, thanks. Not that I have any intention of trying, but why not date them?"

"Three actresses, all with the same name," Carlos explained. "They're beautiful but they won't even look at you unless you've starred in a movie or have a hit single on the radio."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "They sound like superficial bitches. Sorry, Mom. How will I know who they are?"

Logan supplied, "You'll know. They're always together and they walk around like they own the place."

Carlos nodded agreement while Katie added, "I saw three guys get turned away by them earlier. One after another. Poor saps. Just save yourself the heartache, bro."

"Thanks, I think."

"Oh, and don't bother with Lucy, either," Carlos offered through a mouthful of food. Logan looked at him adoringly and Kendall wondered if he'd find it adorable from anyone else. "You'll know her by the streaks of red in her black hair."

"I saw her when I first got here," Kendall realized. "She winked at me."

Logan and Carlos both busted up into laughter.

"Why is that funny?"

"No way," Carlos giggled. "I'm sure you imagined that. Lucy doesn't even talk to dudes."

Logan was nodding. "It's true. She's sort of nice to me because I work here but otherwise she hardly talks to anyone."

"Is she shy?" Kendall wondered.

"Ha! Lucy, shy?" Carlos downed half his glass and used his wrist to wipe away the moisture left behind. Logan immediately passed him a napkin and he smiled a thank you before putting it to use. "Lucy is definitely not shy. She's been known to punch a guy who wouldn't take no for an answer."

"As she should!" Jennifer commented. "Nobody should be forced into sex."

"Not sex, ma'am. He was just asking for a date."

"Oh." Taken aback, Jennifer absently added, "You don't have to call me ma'am, Carlos. Jennifer's fine."

Katie piped up. "She sounds wicked! I gotta meet her!"

"I'm telling you guys, she winked at me. I think I might've even smiled back."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Kendall," Carlos laughed. "Not that you aren't a good-looking dude or anything, it's just...Lucy doesn't like anybody. Look at her for too long and she'll challenge you."

"We'll just see about that. Mom, did I see a brownie pizza over on the counter?"

"Yes, it's for dessert. Go on and get it, I can see Katie salivating already."

Kendall was pleased to see that Logan didn't hesitate this time and eagerly reached for the brownie square passed to him by Jennifer. "Do you know anything about Gustavo?" he asked Logan.

"Not really, he's never had talent stay with us before. I think this is his first foray into television."

"I know someone who worked with him," Carlos shared. "A guy that my dad knows, he got into the music business and Rocque produced one of his albums. He said the guy is tough but gets results. Really pushed him to do better and wasn't happy until he'd put in a lot of overtime at the studio. You met him already, right?"

Kendall nodded. "He's not the easiest guy to work with. I just wondered if he had any family, like a wife or kids."

Carlos shook his head. "I doubt it. He'd probably be nicer if he did. My dad met his assistant once at a party. Kelly?"

"Yeah. She's great."

"He said she seemed really nice. When do you start working on the show?"

"He wants me in the studio tomorrow morning." Kendall wiped his mouth with a napkin before pushing his plate away. "Kelly warned me he was going to overwork me."

"Good luck, dude," Carlos sighed. "My coach is hard on me, too, and sometimes I hate it but I know he's just trying to make me better."

Logan's lips twisted. "Wish I could say that about my uncle. Oh, crap! I have to go!" He jumped up in a flash, mumbling, "Thank you for dinner, it was really great, call the front desk if you need anything."

Carlos stood up to join him. "I'll walk you down. Thanks, guys. It was awesome to meet you."

Jennifer smiled at both of them. "You're welcome anytime, boys. Logan, if he gives you any lip, tell him to call me and I'll cover you."

Logan barely heard her, waiting in nervous anticipation by the door for Carlos. "It's okay, Carlos, you don't have to—"

"I _want_ to. We need to finalize our plans, anyway. Bye, guys!" he called back, Kendall grinning when he caught Carlos reaching for Logan's hand before the door closed.

"So are they dating or what?" was Katie's immediate demand.

"Soon. They like each other, Logan's just really shy."

"He's a sweet boy," Jennifer commented. "I hope he doesn't get into any trouble."

"I'll take a stroll down there in a little while to check on him," Kendall offered. "Thanks for letting them join us, Mom. It was the only way I could think of to get them talking."

"Well, anything I can do to help romance..." She stood up to clear away the dishes, Kendall joining her while Katie escaped to her room in case they had plans to ask for her help. "Speaking of which, maybe you'll see the girl with the red stripe in her hair when you go downstairs."

"I thought you didn't like her."

"I think they're judging her too harshly. Her attitude is probably just a front to keep boys away because she's scared. If you say she winked at you, I believe you."

"She did. I didn't imagine that."

"Then see if you can make something of it. It would be nice to see you with a girl for a change."

"Yeah, yeah."

Kendall had had the same thought earlier, though, and decided to shower and do his hair before heading down to the lobby. Even if Lucy turned out to be a dud, the place was teeming with other prospects.

* * *

It was no surprise to find Logan in his usual spot behind the front desk; what was different was the glassy-eyed stare he possessed, and the fact that his chin was resting on his hand while he looked at...nothing?

After following the direction of his gaze, Kendall came to the conclusion that it was in fact nothing outside of Logan's head. He was lost in a dream. With a grin Kendall waved a hand in front of Logan's eyes, amused that it took four passes before Logan started with a quiet gasp.

"Don't do that!" Logan whispered, glancing around to see if anyone had seen but no one appeared to be paying them any attention.

"Sorry, Romeo, you were a little pre-occupied."

"Kendall, he..." After looking from left to right one more time, Logan waved Kendall closer and whispered, "He kissed me! Right here!" A finger was pressed to Logan's cheek, just an inch or so below his left eye. "I can still feel it!"

"That's fantastic," Kendall gushed, meaning it. "See? I told you he likes you!"

"But I don't get why! I'm so boring, I just stand here at a desk all day and he's so exciting, with the wrestling and the gorgeous smile and have you seen the way he always seems ready to laugh? Did you watch him at all in the ring, the way he moves so gracefully and his muscles just ripple and..." Logan pulled his collar away from his neck, face flushing with heat.

"You've got it so bad," Kendall laughed. "And I'm not making fun of you, I think it's cute."

"Cute is not a compliment, you know. It sounds more like an insult. Now why are you here?"

"I wanted to make sure it went okay with your uncle. He didn't give you any shit, did he?"

"Only a little, just told me that other guests need me too and I can't have one hogging all of my attention. Not even you, so you're not all that special after all."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "I'm crushed. Did you get a night cleared for your date?"

"He never called it a date," Logan protested.

"Shut up, it's totally a date. Did you?"

"Yes. I threatened to call my mom and he finally caved. He's afraid of my mom, she's older than him."

"Nice. Don't even feel bad about it, you deserve a night off."

"I still can't believe he asked me out. Kendall, how did this happen? I didn't even think he knew I existed except as some random hotel employee."

"You're cute," Kendall smiled. "And there's something about you, I liked you right away."

"But why?"

"I don't know. Sometimes there isn't really a logical explanation for these things, they don't have to make sense. You just feel it in your gut."

"I don't like it when things don't make sense."

"Welcome to the real world, Logan," Kendall smirked.

He was forced to step aside when a guest approached, commandeering Logan's attention long enough for Kendall to take in the lobby and what he could see of the pool area. Dark was falling and the pool would be closed soon, but it was still light enough that he could make out a few faces; none were familiar. Three girls swished by him in sync without batting an eye in his direction and he decided they must be the Jennifers. No great loss there; though they were indeed beautiful, Kendall preferred beauty to come from the inside. He was just about to return his attention to Logan when the girl he'd spotted on the way in stepped off the elevator and headed toward them.

"That's her," Kendall whispered. "The girl who winked at me."

"Dude, she's not into people."

"Just watch."

The girl stepped up to the desk, Kendall moving aside again to give her room.

"I need a new room key," she stated without a greeting.

"Of course, Miss Stone," Logan replied politely. "That will be a five-dollar replacement fee."

"Five dollars?! For a stupid piece of plastic? They never charged me before."

"Yes, Miss Stone, but this is your fourth request for a new key. We charge after the first three."

"Did I ask for a lecture?" the girl demanded.

Kendall watched with a raised brow, half-tempted to step in on Logan's behalf. Pretty she might be, but the girl was downright rude.

"Forgive me, Miss Stone, it wasn't my intention to lecture you. I can give you the key now for five dollars and discuss it with my supervisor in the morning, and he'll most likely refund the charge."

"I don't have five dollars on me, everything I own is in the apartment. Which is _why_ I _need_ a _key_."

More to save Logan from further abuse than any interest in impressing the girl, Kendall reached into his wallet and passed over a bill. "I'll cover it."

The girl crossed her arms over her chest and glared up at him. "I don't need any help."

"I'm just trying to be nice."

"Well, don't. I certainly don't need any _man_ to save me like some knight in shining armor."

"Well...I'm afraid I don't have any shining armor, but I am a Knight. Kendall Knight, actually." He held out his hand with a smile. "And you are?"

"Not interested, so back off."

Immediately dismissing Kendall, who was beginning to wonder if she had a twin or if he _had_ in fact imagined the wink from earlier, she turned back to Logan. "Give me the key and I won't ram my motorcycle into your car."

"Excuse me," Kendall interrupted, fed up now. "You can't threaten people like that, especially someone just trying to do his job."

"It's fine," Logan murmured, already running a card through the machine that would activate it for her apartment.

"No, it's _not_ fine. You won't accept help from me but instead prefer to be a dick to my friend?"

"You're calling me a dick?" she countered. "In case you haven't noticed, Blondie, I'm not a dude."

"You act like a dick, I'm gonna call you a dick. Take your key, I'm paying the five dollars for it. Now go pick on someone else."

Logan slid the key across the desk, making sure not to meet her gaze.

"You can't talk to me like that," she said to Kendall, pointing a finger at his chest until she was pressing against it.

"And you can't talk to my friend like that." Kendall gently removed her hand and let it drop. "Go."

After grabbing her key, the girl began to back away, arms once again crossed over her chest. "This isn't over, Knight."

"Not even close, Stone," Kendall agreed. "Have a pleasant evening."

Their gazes remained locked until Lucy was forced to turn away and press the elevator button, then Kendall let out a breath. "Wow."

"We tried to tell you. She hates everybody."

"And she doesn't have a twin?"

"Not that I'm aware of. She's always like that."

"Maybe I did imagine it earlier. Or she just had something in her eye."

"That's probably the case. So Carlos and I are going out Wednesday night."

"Oh, right." Kendall had almost forgotten about their earlier conversation. He was about to turn toward Logan but just before the elevator doors shut, he saw something that caused his jaw to drop. Lucy pursed her lips into a kiss and blew it toward him, causing his heart to skip. "Did you see that?"

"See what?" Logan followed his gaze, finding nothing of interest.

"She just blew me a kiss!"

"Who did?"

"Lucy!"

"Lucy? Okay, Kendall, joke's over. Either that or you're losing it."

"I am not losing it, she blew me a fucking kiss!" Kendall hissed. "What the hell is her game? That's it, I'm going after her. What apartment is she in?"

"Can't tell you that, sorry." Logan shook his head. "It's against the rules."

"Are you serious? What if you just walked away for thirty seconds and I snuck a peek at your computer?"

"Nice try. Hang on," Logan added as his phone rang. "Thank you for calling The Palm Woods, Home of the Future Famous. This is Logan, how may I be of assistance today?"

Still lost in thoughts of Lucy ( _Had_ she really done that? It made no sense, she'd talked to him like she hated him but there had been a wink and now a kiss and what did it all mean?), Kendall paid no attention to the telephone conversation. He vaguely heard the clack of Logan's fingers on the keyboard along with his polite, agreeable voice, and wasn't fully aware of his surroundings again until Logan hung up and snapped fingers in his face.

"Hello? You still with us, Kendall?"

"What? Yeah, sorry, it's just...I'm not crazy. She really did that!"

"If you say so. But if you can stop thinking about the crazy girl for five seconds, I have news you might be interested in."

"Hmm?" Kendall finally turned to face Logan, shaking Lucy off his mind. "What's up?"

"That phone call was from Mr. Hawk's assistant."

"Mr...oh, the guy going up against us?"

"Yes. She was calling to confirm the apartment for their contestant. Their _male_ contestant."

"Ah. So it's a dude."

"It's a dude," Logan nodded. "Still don't have a name, but it's more than we knew before."

"When's he getting here?"

"Wednesday afternoon. Probably right before I leave the desk to go get ready for my...date." The word was obviously foreign coming from Logan's mouth. "Did I really just say that?"

"Yes, you did," Kendall laughed. "You've got a date, buddy. I'm really proud of you, I know how scary it must be."

"There's no way you can like...be here to help me get ready, is there?" Logan asked in a tiny voice.

"I can try. No idea what it's gonna be like with Gustavo but maybe I can fake being sick."

"No, I don't want you to jeopardize your contest for me. If you need the rehearsal, take it."

"Honestly, I probably do," Kendall sighed. "What time is your date?"

"Carlos is meeting me in the lobby at six."

"I thought you weren't allowed to fraternize with the guests," Kendall smirked.

"Oh. You're right. Damn, we'll have to meet somewhere else. Any ideas? What am I saying, you don't even know the area."

"Where's he taking you?"

"He didn't say. Just dinner and a movie. Which sounds...really nice. I wonder if he'll kiss my cheek again."

"He'll probably kiss more than that if you let him. He's very aware of his limited time with you. Unless, of course, you decide to stay."

After biting his lip through a brief inner struggle, Logan admitted, "I've been researching colleges around here. My uncle can get me a discounted rate to live here. I just don't know how my mom would feel about it. I don't think she'd go for it."

"Does she know you're gay?"

Logan shook his head. "Considering I didn't even know I was gay until Carlos came along, no. I never looked at anyone in a romantic sense before moving here."

"Neither did I, but I'd like to change that. Any suggestions besides Lucy?"

"Camille's nice," Logan shared. "A little crazy, though. Not in a bad way, just...it's hard to explain. She's the one who goes around slapping people."

"And she does this why?"

"She claims it's method acting and she's getting ready for roles."

Kendall arched an eyebrow. "That's convenient. Ever been slapped?"

"Uh...four times, actually. She's been trying to um...you know. She seems to be into me."

"Really? See, dude? You're not as boring as you think."

"She says I'm cute."

"I said that, too."

"Which is interesting. Are _you_ gay?"

"Me? No, I just...well, I guess if I was I wouldn't really know. I've never been attracted to a guy before, though."

"But you've also never been attracted to a girl."

"Can't argue that, so...I guess I don't really know. Lucy's stimulating."

"Really? You like arguing with her?"

"Not really, especially not when she's rude to you like that. That just pissed me off. It's not like I get off on conflict or drama. Truly the only thing that's ever turned me on is hockey. Every year we'd go up against the same team for the championship, and I'd get a raging hard-on right before the game. TMI, sorry."

"I find that fascinating, actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Human motivations and behavior is extremely interesting to me. I've been thinking maybe that's more what I should do with my life. Research and studying human nature. Is it weird that the mere idea of kissing someone terrifies me but I can read about sex from a scientific viewpoint all night and never get tired?"

"I guess not, you're removed from it when you're reading about it. Can I ask you a question?"

"What?"

"Do you get turned on reading about it? Is it like that?"

"What? No! No, I don't get off on reading about people having sex. It's more..." Logan hesitated, cheeks flushing at what he was about to say. When he continued, it was in a much lower voice. "I get turned on reading about _why_ people are turned on by different things. Like what makes people tick. I had to leave a lecture I attended once because it was um...hard to focus."

"I bet it _was_ hard," Kendall grinned, apologizing when Logan looked mortified. "I'm sorry, I'm just teasing. I'm not trying to embarrass you."

"It _is_ embarrassing, though. I can't even believe I told you that."

"So what is it that makes you tick, Logan? What is it about Carlos that gets you going?"

"I don't know, and it's driving me crazy. I actually made a list one night hoping to figure out what it was so I could stop it. I decided not to take him meals anymore but when the time came, I...I couldn't stop. I needed to see him."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"It makes me feel like a creepy person."

"You're not," Kendall promised. "Remember what I said earlier? It doesn't always have a logical explanation. Feelings aren't rational."

"Which makes them difficult to study and research. It's what I want to do, though."

"Then do it."

Logan shrugged. "We'll see."

"We will," Kendall agreed, thinking that Logan said that a lot. He was definitely more of a "wait and see" type of person, as opposed to Kendall, who'd always been a "make it happen" type. "You mind if I head up to bed? I don't mean to abandon you but it's an early start with Gustavo in the morning."

"No, not at all, go on and get some sleep. I'll probably be up half the night stressing over my date."

"Don't stress, just be yourself. Remember, it's the person you are now that he likes, so don't change for him."

"I won't. Except...what you said about my hair earlier."

"Yeah?"

"Should I maybe free it up a little for the date?"

Kendall considered that. "Why not try out a few styles tonight and take some pics, send them to me and we'll decide what looks best. Here." He reached for a pen and made a note of his mobile number on a memo pad with the hotel's logo stretched across the top. "Text me pics. I'll let you know in the morning."

"Thanks, Kendall," Logan smiled, the words heartfelt. "You called me a friend. With Lucy."

"I did. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, it's...I don't have a lot of friends. Even back home, I'm so shy that it's hard to meet people and...well, thanks. For forcing yourself on me. It feels good to have a friend, even if it's just for a few weeks."

"Think about making it more," Kendall winked. "I don't really have any friends, either."

"You do now."

"Goodnight, buddy."

"Night, Kendall. Call if you guys need anything."

"Thanks."

Kendall turned into bed an hour later with a smile on his face. California was different, but not necessarily bad. Lucy was beyond explanation, Bitters was annoying, and he still had to face Gustavo's bad attitude the following day. Outside of all that, though, he'd made a friend; two, possibly. Before long he'd probably have a girlfriend, as well. The idea excited him, that someone might actually find him interesting enough to devote herself (or himself, he supposed that was still a possibility) completely to him. Somewhere out there was a person waiting for him, even if that person didn't know it yet. Was it Lucy? Could it be this Camille? It might be someone he hadn't met yet.

Kendall fell asleep daydreaming about what his mystery love would look like. For some reason his brain kept shoving dark, shoulder-length hair his way.

Definitely someone he hadn't met yet.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and all credit goes to the creators of Big Time Rush.

Also thank you so much to those who have reviewed this to let me know you're enjoying it! :)

* * *

Working with Gustavo was even worse than Kendall had anticipated. The first few hours of his rehearsal session were fine; Kelly had him watch clips of the television show so that he got an idea what he was in for and how to win, then she presented him with a bunch of paperwork to sign. Once that was cleared away, the producer made his presence known and explained that he expected Kendall to win. He would, in fact, accept no other outcome. Kendall honestly wasn't all that concerned with winning, which would have surprised him had someone pointed it out; in the past, winning was what he cared about most. Now it was only the desire to rub Diamond's face in it each week, in the fact that he had stolen the opportunity from Diamond and was getting to live his dream. Maybe because Gustavo sensed the lack of determination in Kendall, he yelled louder and berated Kendall's vocals when they began to actually rehearse.

He arrived at the hotel that evening with his throat aching, exhausted even though he hadn't moved much physically. Standing for so many hours had also fatigued his knee. Noting the time, he detoured to the room near the gym and was relieved to find Logan at his usual table, once again lost in the sight of Carlos at work in the ring.

"Hey," he greeted his new friend, collapsing into a chair.

"Hey," Logan answered absently. "Long day?"

"You have no idea. Are you gonna drink that other bottle of water?"

"It's an extra, go for it."

Logan still hadn't turned his gaze from the ring, but Kendall took no offense to that and reached out to unscrew the cap before guzzling down half the bottle. "Oh my god, my throat hurts."

"So Carlos was right? He's tough?"

"He's borderline abusive. Why am I doing this again?"

Finally tearing his gaze away, Logan stared at Kendall. "I was wondering the same thing. Why _are_ you?"

"Long story. Let's just say it's given me a purpose again."

"You lost that after the injury?"

"Yeah. I spent months thinking my life was over. I'm still not sure it isn't."

"Hey, don't say that. There's always more to look forward to, even if you can't see it yet."

"You sound like my mom."

"Well, it's true," Logan said in a slightly defensive tone. "I mean, I spent my first month here thinking I'd go crazy and wondering why I was putting myself through the torture. Then Carlos showed up and I knew why I was here, that it was so I could see him and experience desire and feelings for the first time. Even if I didn't expect to ever get anywhere with it."

"So it isn't just research that gets you hot?" Kendall teased.

"Research and Carlos, apparently," Logan shrugged. "There's a reason you're here, too, Kendall. A reason all of it happened—the injury, the television show...maybe you're about to meet your future soulmate, too."

"That would be nice," Kendall sighed. "I was thinking about it last night, wondering who it might be. I need to meet more of the guests. But not tonight, I'm too tired."

"Go get some dinner and sleep," Logan urged. "You look beat."

"Okay." Kendall stood up, glancing over at the ring as they both watched Carlos in silence for about a minute. "He really does have some good moves."

"He's amazing. See what I mean, though? How graceful he is and how great he is at the timing? He's going to be incredible once the season starts and he gets to show what he can do."

Kendall nodded slowly. "So you got my text, right? The second hairstyle, that's what you're going with for your date?"

"Yeah. I'm nervous, what if he hates it?"

"He won't."

"He texted me today," Logan smiled. "Just to say hi and ask how my day was, but it was the highlight of my life."

"Even better than the cheek kiss?"

"Okay, a close second." Logan handed Kendall the bottle he'd started on. "Here, keep the water. I've got more."

"Thanks, bro. Tell him I said hi."

"I will. Night!"

"Goodnight," Kendall managed, exhaustion taking its toll now that he'd relaxed for more than two minutes.

"Oh hey, I almost forgot!"

Halfway through the door, Kendall spun back. "What?"

"I'm starting to think maybe you're not crazy. Lucy asked me about you today."

That woke him up. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, she wanted to know what apartment you're in. Claimed she wanted to pay you back the money because she 'refuses to be indebted to a man.' I could tell that wasn't the real reason, but since I wasn't sure if she was actually interested or if she might be planning to bomb your apartment, I told her it's against the rules to divulge that information."

"Interesting," Kendall mused. "Did she get mad?"

"Raging. Threatened to ram her bike into the front desk this time. Just watch your back, buddy. She either wants to kiss you or strangle you."

"Let's hope it's the first choice," he chuckled. "Thanks. Anything new about my competition?"

"Oh, yeah, he called today. It was during my lunch break, so my uncle talked to him. All I know is that he insisted on a full-length mirror in the apartment. Hawk's paying for it, so we're having that installed tomorrow morning. Sounds like a diva."

"I hate him already. I am curious, though. It's always good to know your enemy and his weaknesses. Let me know what he's like after you check him in tomorrow."

"If I have time before my date, I will."

"Right. I'll be in the studio but text me if you need to, okay?"

"Thanks. Get some sleep, Kendall."

"On it. Later."

Kendall left Logan staring at Carlos with that dreamy look on his face again, too tired to care much about his competition or even Lucy. Would every day be like this, him suffering abuse before coming home to crash like the dead? What kind of life was that?

 _Maybe you're about to meet your future soulmate, too._

Logan's words gave him a tiny bit of hope. It was true, you never knew what was around the corner. After all, his new life had just begun.

* * *

To Kendall's utter amazement, he was released from rehearsal early the following day due to meetings Gustavo had to attend with the show's producers. He called Logan immediately, Logan relieved and begging Kendall to come help him pick out an outfit for the date and to "just get here and calm me down." Kendall wasted no time and rushed up to the double apartment Logan shared with his uncle.

"Will I get you in trouble by being here?" was the first thing he asked.

"My uncle's downstairs manning the desk, it's fine. He won't even know you were here. Just..." Hardly knowing what to do with his hands, Logan was a bundle of nervous energy. "Carlos will be here in twenty minutes, help!"

"Okay, relax. Your hair came out great."

"Yeah? It's not too...you know. Trendy?"

"It's fine, it suits you. Got a little body to it but you still manage to retain the straight-laced, professional look."

"Thanks," Logan sighed, forcing himself to take deep breaths. "I almost called him three times to cancel on him."

"You're not canceling anything. It's gonna be magical, and he's going to kiss you goodnight, and you're going to let him."

"I really want that," Logan breathed, biting his lip hard.

"I know you do. Let's go look at your clothes."

Fifteen minutes later, Logan was studying his reflection in the bathroom mirror. "I can hardly believe it's me. I look like..."

"A normal teenager?"

"Yeah, but...also like me. What if I screw the whole thing up and he hates me?"

"Just be yourself, dude. I promise, you're amazing."

"I hope he thinks so."

"He does, which is why he asked you out. If he makes you uncomfortable or pressures you into anything, call me right away. I'll find a way to rescue you."

"Thanks," Logan smiled, turning away from the mirror to face Kendall. "You really are a knight."

Kendall shrugged. "I care about people." A knock on the front door made them both jump.

"Oh my god," Logan moaned, his cheeks paling.

"This is it. You got this, Logan. Go get your wallet and keys, take a moment to compose yourself. I'll get the door."

Logan nodded and moved out of the bathroom while Kendall went to greet Carlos. The moment the door was opened, a bouquet of crimson roses was shoved into his face. "Carlos, this is so sudden," he joked.

The flowers moved aside to reveal wide eyes. "I thought you were Logan."

"Obviously. The flowers are a nice touch."

"Yeah? Not too much?"

"He'll love it. Come on in, he's almost ready."

Sensing that Carlos was just as anxious as Logan, Kendall laid a hand on his shoulder after closing the front door. "He's really excited but also extremely nervous," he imparted quietly. "Go easy on him. It's his first date."

"I figured. How do I look?"

"Very handsome. He'll be drooling in ten seconds, though he'll never show that. Dinner and a movie?"

"Yeah. Maybe a walk in the park after, if it isn't too late. I've daydreamed so many times about holding his hand and walking through that stupid park."

"Do it," Kendall smiled.

"Did you find a girl yet, Kendall?"

"No. Still working on it."

"Maybe we can double when you do."

"I'd like that." Knowing that Logan was stalling, Kendall called out, "Come on, dude, you don't want to miss the movie!"

It was another five seconds before Logan appeared, hands shoved into the pockets of his black jeans. "Hey."

"Wow," Carlos whispered in awe. "You look incredible."

Logan blinked a few times, face flaming, then seemed to regain control. "Thanks. So do you. Is that...are those for me?"

"Oh! Yeah! Sorry!" Carlos rushed across the room to Logan, thrusting the bouquet forward. "I've never been on a date with a guy before and I didn't know what to bring, but I thought maybe you'd like flowers anyway."

"I do," Logan smiled, touched and pulling the flowers close enough to sniff at them. "They're beautiful. I didn't get you anything, though."

"That's fine, you going out with me is enough. I won't keep you out too late, in case your uncle is worried about that."

"I'm an adult, and he doesn't know where I'm going anyway. Unfortunately, Carlos, he can't know about this. I'm not supposed to see the residents outside of work."

"Oh. So you mean you're breaking the rules for me?"

Logan nodded hesitantly, unsure how Carlos might react to that.

"That's so hot," Carlos grinned, stepping closer to Logan. Watching closely, Kendall noted the change in Logan's eyes, and though he'd expected Logan to be afraid, what Logan was feeling at the moment was a far cry from fear; it wouldn't be Carlos initiating physical contact tonight.

"Let me take those for you," he offered in an attempt to break Logan out of his spell long enough for the two of them to get on their way. "I'll put them in water and you can hide them in your room."

Logan only nodded, allowing Kendall to take the bouquet and still not looking away from Carlos.

"You two should get going."

"Right," Carlos breathed, licking his lips and tearing his gaze away with an effort. "See you later, Kendall."

"Goodnight, guys. Call me if you need anything," he reminded Logan.

"I will."

They were almost out the door when Carlos called back, "Oh, Kendall, I almost forgot. I saw your competition earlier. He's really hot." Though Logan raised an eyebrow at Carlos, he held his silence. Carlos felt the jealousy anyway and added, "Come on, Logan, he's not my type at all, but you have to admit he's hot."

"He is pleasant to look at," Logan conceded. "I just can't take him seriously, though. Full-length mirror? Dotting his I's with a diamond? Who does that?"

Kendall felt the ground shift under his feet. "What did you say?"

"He does what?" Carlos laughed. "Why?"

"His last name's Diamond, I guess he thinks it's cool," Logan replied with a roll of his eyes. "It just makes him look pompous. Uncle Reg gushed over him like he did Kendall; it was honestly a nightmare."

A nearby sofa provided Kendall safety when his knees failed him. Perched on the arm of it, he asked shakily, "James Diamond?"

"Yes," Logan nodded. "You've heard of him?"

"He's the reason I'm here." Kendall inhaled sharply, attempting to chase away the dizziness descending. "It's his fault I can't play hockey anymore."

"Oh. The injury? He caused it?"

Kendall couldn't do more than nod.

"Whoa. And now you're up against him again. I wonder if he knows you're here."

"He knows," Kendall growled. "Motherfucker. Can't accept defeat, can he?"

"Guess you'll just have to win this," Carlos stated. "I don't know the story, but uh...if he followed you all the way here to knock you down again, make sure it doesn't happen."

"Oh, it's not. James Diamond is going down."

Here they were again, words that Kendall had spoken repeatedly for much of his life. They were familiar, they were motivation, and they were right. Suddenly the contest had more meaning for him and the need to win was tantamount to everything else. It was fortunate that Kendall was wearing a long shirt, because with the words came the erection that always accompanied them.

Kendall's fire was back and raging harder than ever.

* * *

He returned to 2J in a daze, because after saying goodbye to Logan and Carlos, the impossibility of the situation hit him. He'd won. There was no question of that, he'd won and Diamond had failed. Diamond had, in fact, run away with his tail between his legs. So what had happened between then and now?

 _Hawk. Somehow he got Hawk to give him a chance. And because I wasn't there to make sure he failed, he succeeded. Fucking bastard._

Kendall ignored his mother's greeting and went straight to his room to brood, but after five minutes he couldn't remain still and had to know. James Diamond was walking around this place and he had to know _how_.

He could always go find James and ask him, but the idea made his stomach turn; the last person he wanted to see right now was Diamond.

Gustavo might have some answers. Kendall would bet Hawk was present at those meetings today, and the two probably discussed their contestants. Then again, recalling some rude things Gustavo had said about Hawk the day before, perhaps they hadn't talked at all—their rivalry seemed to be a long-standing one.

There was always Kelly, though. Kelly tended to have answers and delivered them in a non-threatening manner. Should he call her?

Kendall was saved the decision by the ringing of his phone, surprised to see it was Logan calling. Was he in trouble already? "Hey, everything okay?"

"Yeah, we just got to the restaurant. I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you're okay."

Kendall blinked slowly a few times, wondering if he was understanding Logan correctly. "Worried?"

"Well...you know. The news about that Diamond guy really knocked you for a loop, and I know it must be hard on you to see him again. Especially since you have to see him each week, and probably more considering you both live in the same building. I just...you know. I felt bad leaving you when you were so upset."

It _was_ what Kendall thought, and the realization that he now had a friend who cared enough to check on him choked him up a bit. "I'm...kind of still in shock," he said honestly. "I don't understand how it happened. I went up against him at the audition, he bombed it and I kicked ass. How did he end up here?"

"Maybe Hawk held the same kind of audition after you left."

That made perfect sense, but Kendall knew that information would've been mentioned in the local paper he'd read if Hawk was also coming to Minnesota. Mind racing, he said, "I need access to a computer. No way I can use yours at the front desk, is there?"

"Absolutely not, especially since I'm gone. What? Yeah, go ahead, I'll be right there. He's okay."

Kendall smiled when he realized Carlos had asked about him. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt your date. We can talk later."

"No, it's fine, we were just waiting to be seated anyway. He's the one who told me to call you because he could tell I was worried. But I was about to say that you can use the computer in the lobby. It's free to guests and has Internet access. Doesn't your phone do all that?"

Rolling his eyes, Kendall answered, "Mom got us a cheap plan that restricts the web. It's a pain in the ass. But really, there's one in the lobby I can use?"

"Yes. Guests are limited to twenty minutes at a time, so if someone's on it you can just wait."

"Twenty minutes is all I need. Thanks, buddy. Let me know how the date goes."

"Oh, I will." Logan's voice suddenly became hushed. "Did you see how good he looks?"

"I did," Kendall chuckled. "Go get him, tiger."

"I almost kissed him before we left. Me! Okay okay, he's waiting for me at the table, so I'm gonna go. You're okay?"

"I'm fine, just...really surprised. I don't know how to process this. It ruins my entire plan."

"I don't see how, but we can discuss that later."

"Don't worry about it. Go kiss your date."

"Not right now, Kendall!" Logan replied, scandalized. "I don't want to seem too eager. Maybe when we get back to the car."

"Just do what feels right, and if at any point it doesn't, ask him to stop. If that doesn't work, knee him between the legs."

"Got it. Thanks, buddy."

"Anytime. Bye!"

Kendall hung up with a smile, thinking that at least Logan had done that for him. He'd never realized just how much he was missing out on by keeping people at a distance for most of his life. Remembering the way he'd ignored his mother on the way in, he found her in the kitchen preparing dinner and surprised her with a hug.

"Well, hi! What's that for?"

"Just because I love you. I'm sorry I was rude earlier, it's been a bad day."

"Was Gustavo that horrible?"

"No, he actually let me go early. I helped Logan get ready for his date with Carlos. They're really cute together, Mom."

Jennifer slapped his hand away as he reached for a pinch of shredded cheese. "We need that for the tacos."

He shrugged but backed off.

"How's your throat?"

"A little better today," Kendall admitted. "Where's Katie?"

"Where else? Out by the pool, no doubt conning people out of money. I don't know where I went wrong with that child," Jennifer sighed. "Now why is today a bad day?"

Hesitant to show the full extent of his vengeance toward Diamond, Kendall chose his words carefully. "My competition arrived today. It's James Diamond."

Her reaction made Kendall feel a little better about his own shock. She almost dropped the spatula she was holding as she turned to face him. "James? How is that possible? He lost to you!"

"That's what I said." Taking advantage of her momentary distraction, Kendall quickly snatched a handful of cheese and shoved it into his mouth. "How bad was he really, Mom?"

"Dreadful. I mean...that sounds so horrible, but he was probably the worst one there. Obviously nerves got to him. I just can't imagine how he managed to impress the other producer."

"That's what I want to know."

"Did you ask him?"

"No, I haven't seen him yet. I have no plans to talk to him."

After turning off the burner and moving the pan aside to allow herself time to form thoughts into words, Jennifer began, "I understand why you're angry at him. I'm sure you probably blame him for everything you lost and all that you've gone through."

Kendall said nothing, only remained rigidly standing next to her.

"But you know, honey, you two used to be so close. He was your best friend."

"We were kids, Mom. Barely even old enough to know what friendship meant."

"I know you started this big rivalry with him once we moved away, but...why not think about mending that friendship?"

He stared at his mother as if she had horns growing out of her head. " _Mend_ the _friendship_?"

"Well, it's got to be scary for both of you, moving out here and having no friends and—"

"I _have_ a friend. I don't know why in the hell you'd think I could ever be friends with Diamond again, especially not after what he did to me—"

"You don't know that it was him, why are you always so quick to see him as the enemy?"

"Because I _do_ know it was him! He admitted it to me right before he went onstage at the audition! Why do you think he fucked up so bad? He didn't expect to see me there and when he did, he completely lost his shit."

"I won't have you speaking to me like that. I don't care that you're an adult now, I deserve respect."

"Fine, then stop trying to control my feelings. I can't help what I feel, okay? He ruined my life, he _admitted_ to ruining my life, and you can't expect me to forgive him for that!"

Knowing that it was useless to attempt to reason with Kendall when he worked himself up like this, Jennifer dropped the subject. "Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes. Please go get your sister."

"Fine."

He stormed out of the apartment, making it all the way to the elevator before he felt bad about yelling at his mother. None of this was her fault. Once inside, he closed his eyes and banged his head lightly against the metal wall with a groan. As usual, James Diamond was ruining his life.

On the way to the pool, Kendall noticed the computer he'd overlooked each time he walked through the lobby. It was unoccupied, and he made a quick decision to spend a few minutes digging up the answers he needed. Finding the information he was looking for proved easy enough once he did a search for Hawk, and within five minutes Kendall knew how Diamond had landed the other spot.

It was exactly as Logan had suggested; Diamond had been selected at an audition held by Hawk two days after the one they'd both been to. The details were covered not in the local Minnesota paper, but in one devoted to Boston, of all places. James had flown to Boston for the last round of auditions and succeeded in winning Hawk's confidence.

 _Boston. He really wants this._

Kendall had known that, though; it was the reason he himself had been so determined to win.

Well, this really changed nothing, Kendall supposed. He'd considered himself the winner upon moving here, but the competition had shifted and now he knew it had only just begun. Kendall had no idea just what he was up against, having never witnessed Diamond singing. He knew better than to underestimate his enemy. "Guess I'll just have to win," Kendall murmured, repeating Carlos' words from earlier.

A sudden shove had him almost falling off the chair, only his sharp reflexes saving him. "What the hell?" he demanded, standing immediately to face his attacker, but there was no one behind him. Everyone in the lobby seemed to be unaware that anything had happened. He slowly turned his head from right to left, about to give up when a flash of black streaked with red caught his eye.

"Oh, you little bitch. You're not getting away with that."

The elevator door opened just as Kendall began to move toward her, and though it jarred his knee, he sprinted across the lobby to squeeze through the doors as they closed behind her. Kendall smiled when he saw they were alone. "I don't appreciate being shoved out of my chair," he stated.

"Excuse me?" As usual, her arms slid across her chest in a defensive pose while a black brow arched up to the sky.

"Don't play dumb. We both know that was you."

" _What_ was me?"

"You tried to push me out of my chair."

A pitying laugh erupted from Lucy. "You think I noticed you? I don't even know where you came from."

"Nice try. You still want to pay me back that five bucks?"

"Who says I'm paying you back? I didn't ask you to do it, you're the idiot who wasted his money."

"Look, I already know you asked Logan which apartment I'm in so you could pay me back."

Her face morphed into disbelief that seemed genuine; Kendall knew better. "Asked...wait, who's Logan?"

"Bitters' nephew? My friend who works the front desk?"

"Oh, the mousy little shy boy who wouldn't give me a key?"

"He told me you wanted to know where I live."

"I did no such thing and if that's what he said, he's a liar. You should choose your friends better."

"Logan wouldn't lie. I think we both know who the untrustworthy one is."

"So then _you're_ lying and just trying to get into my pants or what?"

"What?" Kendall echoed, mortified. "No! I would never, I have class, I'm not the type to—"

"That's too bad," Lucy interrupted, her voice taking on a seductive tone that Kendall didn't quite understand until he'd been backed up against the elevator door and trapped by her mouth on his. He gasped, his body not knowing how to react. Before it could decide, she'd stepped away. "Was that your first kiss?" she asked, delighted by the idea. "That's so cute!"

Kendall's lips moved but no words came out due to shock.

"Aww, now I embarrassed you. Come here."

Just like that her lips were on his again, and this time he was coherent enough to lift his hands up to push her away. Before he could do more than grip her upper arms, the elevator door slid open behind him and a gasp that could have been an echo of his own earlier one followed two seconds later.

"Get your hands off me!" Lucy screamed, shoving Kendall forcefully away so that he stumbled into whoever had been waiting in the hall.

"What?" he mumbled, off balance both physically and mentally. Strong arms caught his fall before releasing him and he spun to see the one person in the world he wished to run into the least. "Diamond."

"Next time I'll kick you where it counts, asshole!" Lucy threatened as she moved past them at a run, acting like she was escaping an attacker.

They watched her disappear down the hall and toward the door leading to the stairs, then Kendall asked in a bewildered voice, "What the hell just happened?"

Diamond glanced at him and slid both hands into the pocket of his white-washed jeans before responding. "Looks like you got shot down hard."

"I didn't...she..."

"Gotta say, I never expected you to be the type to force a girl into anything. You had manners when we were kids."

"No, I..." It hit Kendall then that he owed Diamond no explanation and didn't care at all what his former friend thought of him. Calm returning, Kendall took in Diamond's appearance with a casual glance, noting that he was dressed the way he tended to show up to hockey matches—a relaxed look of jeans and a t-shirt while still somehow looking like a fashion model. Maybe it was the designer sneakers, which looked brand new. His hair glowed under the hallway's soft lighting, mouth a grim line that spoke of judgment. "I don't have to explain myself to you."

"No, but if you keep that shit up, you'll be explaining yourself to a cop one day."

"James, no, I didn't..." Kendall gave up, knowing that no matter what he said, it wouldn't erase the vision Diamond must have walked into. "Forget it, I don't care what you think anyway. I should've known you'd show up here to try to ruin my life again."

Diamond was quiet for a moment before shrugging. "I just want to win."

"I know, but you're not going to."

"That's not your decision, is it, Knight?"

Kendall shook his head in disgust. "You're not even worth talking to. See you at our first battle."

Without another word, Kendall turned his back on Diamond and stalked away, only hampered a little by his sore knee and the aching erection hidden behind a flannel shirt. Who knew a mere kiss from an aggressive girl could affect him so deeply?


	5. Chapter 5

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Thanks to those who've been reviewing! It keeps me writing!

# #

Kendall was almost back to their apartment when he remembered he was supposed to collect Katie for dinner. With a groan he pulled his phone out to text her instead, thinking if his mother wasn't satisfied with that, too bad.

That brought the guilt back as he recalled their argument and the way he'd spoken so harshly to her. Bracing himself, he entered the apartment and closed the door. "Mom?"

Though there was no answer, Kendall could easily see her in the next room transferring a fried tortilla onto a plate.

"I was an ass. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"Well, at least you admit it. That counts for something."

"I'm sorry." Properly shamed, Kendall hung his head as he traipsed into the kitchen.

Jennifer added another tortilla to the sizzling pan. "Where's Katie?"

"On her way up."

"How much money did she win today?"

"I honestly don't know, I never made it to the pool. I got distracted by Lucy."

"Lucy?" That got her head swinging around. "Did you get anywhere with her?"

"Uh...you could say that. I also ran into Diamond."

"Oh?" When Kendall offered nothing more, she watched him retrieve glasses from the cupboard. "And?"

"And what? There's nothing to say. We saw each other and we're enemies and that's all there is to it."

"It's just such a pity," Jennifer sighed. "He was your first real friend. Your only real one, now that I think about it."

"Okay, I get it, but that was like ten years ago. We've both grown up and we're two different people and it happens, Mom. Friends grow apart."

"I know, honey, I just..." Trying a different tack, she asked, "Did he tell you how he got the spot on the show?"

"No, I read about it on the Internet. He flew to Boston for an audition with Hawk."

"Boston?" she echoed. "Wow, he was determined. But I suppose it's nothing you wouldn't have done for hockey."

"I guess." He set the glasses on the table and turned to dig out a gallon of milk from the refrigerator. "Don't go trying to use that to say we're alike."

"I wasn't," Jennifer smiled. "But it's a valid point. I just keep seeing his sad little face the day we moved. He even cried."

"Oh my god, Mom, he did not cry!"

"Yes, he did! You were his only friend and you were leaving and I saw tears when we drove away."

"I'm sure you imagined that. He's got no heart."

"He did when he was eight years old. I remember thinking it odd that you didn't cry."

" _I'm_ not a baby."

"Kendall, crying doesn't make you a baby."

"Whatever. If I remember correctly, I was so happy we were finally leaving Daddy that I wasn't sad at all. I just wanted to be gone already."

"I know. I'm glad Katie was too young to remember any of that."

As if her name had summoned her, the door flew open and the subject of their discussion breezed in. "I gotta find a new gig. I only made half as much today because word got out and most of the kids were afraid to challenge me."

"Good, maybe now you'll find a decent hobby," her mother replied while setting plates on the table. "Speaking of which, I enrolled you in school."

Katie's motion stopped, her trek to the kitchen table interrupted. "School?"

"Yes, school. It's illegal for me to keep you from it."

"But why? We're only here for six weeks!"

"And that's six weeks of learning you need to be doing. The school board is sending me all the supplies we'll need and I'm going to help you with the lessons."

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Kendall, tell me she's kidding."

"Doesn't sound like it, baby sis."

Katie's nose wrinkled. "Is that why you made tacos for dinner? Because you know it's my favorite and you think that's gonna make it all better?"

Jennifer admitted, "Partly. I've also been craving them. Now go wash up so we can eat. Both of you."

They jockeyed for position at the kitchen sink, Katie muttering under her breath. "You have to do something, bro. School's gonna kill my social life."

"I hear you, but I got my own problems. Unless you can figure out a way to make James Diamond drop out of the contest."

"Yeah, I saw him check in with Logan. You better take him down."

"Oh, I will. But as for you, it's homeschool; you'll breeze right through that. Make a deal with Mom that you'll study until like noon, most of the kids around here will be busy with auditions and school of their own anyway. After noon, you're free to mingle."

Katie nodded slowly. "That could work. Thanks. I'll see what I can do about Diamond."

"Actually..." While drying his hands on a towel, Kendall reconsidered his words. "My bigger immediate problem is Lucy. Met her yet?"

"Tried to. She told me to move it or lose it."

"Sounds about right. She tried to frame me today. See what you can find out about her. I need a weakness to exploit."

"Deal."

Jennifer's voice floated to them from the other side of the bar. "If you two are done plotting Lucy's demise, I'd like to eat."

"Sorry, Mom," they intoned, and as a family, the Knights sat down to dinner.

* * *

Upon receiving a text that didn't come through until after eleven, Kendall snuck out of the dark apartment and used the back stairs to make his way to the pool area. Logan had included directions about a secret passage that only the staff used, and within minutes Kendall emerged from a hallway in a secluded corner of the patio. All of the cabana's curtains were open except for one, and from behind that one a dim light glowed. Kendall quietly inched toward it and poked his head through the curtains to find Logan seated in a chair.

"Hey," he greeted with a wide smile and twinkling eyes while Kendall lowered himself to the second seat.

"You're lit up like a Christmas tree," Kendall grinned. "I take it the date went well?"

"I'm still processing it all. It's so much, I don't even know how to contain what I'm feeling right now."

"So you kissed him?"

"Understatement. We skipped the movie and spent an hour making out in the car."

"Damn!" Kendall hissed, trying to keep his voice to a whisper. "Whose idea was that?"

"Mine," Logan blushed. "But once we were done with dinner, I couldn't keep my hands off him. I never knew I could feel so many things at once!"

"I'm actually really proud of you, Logan. You were terrified but you saw it through and...how far did you actually go?"

Logan assured him, "Our pants stayed on. I wasn't ready for that, and I don't think he was, either. I'm his first guy, you know."

"I gathered that. So you just kissed a lot?"

"Mostly. We tried a few other things, too." Before Kendall could ask, Logan pulled his collar aside to show off a fresh bruise.

"Holy shit."

"You should see what _he_ looks like. Kendall, how did this happen? A week ago I was daydreaming about him and now it's real! He asked if we could...you know. Be official. Actual boyfriends."

Kendall whistled, a little blown away himself. "I told you he liked you!"

"I know. I still don't know why he does, but he does and that's all that matters. I just don't want this to be all physical, you know?"

"Well, before the makeout session, did you guys talk a lot?"

"We did. He's actually a lot more silly than I imagined. I could tell he was afraid I'd think he was stupid and judge him for not knowing as much as I do about...everything."

"And did you?"

"No. I think I like to be the smart one. Remember how we talked about weird things being a turn-on?"

"Yeah," Kendall nodded, reminded of the way his body had reacted to Lucy attacking him.

"I've discovered it turns me on to be the brains. I think it's essential to my happiness. I'd probably be intimidated by someone who was smarter than me. Carlos is perfect, he's not a threat to my intellect and I find him fascinating enough to keep me stimulated. The way his mind works baffles me."

"How so?"

"It's hard to explain. We look at the same things and see them in totally different ways. He made a really immature joke about our dessert and I rolled my eyes, but at the same time I was intensely turned on by his immaturity. Does that make me a freak?"

Kendall couldn't help but laugh. "No. We all have our quirks. I'm really happy for you, that you found someone who brings you out of your shell and makes you live."

"It wouldn't have happened without you. Carlos admitted that he's been wanting to ask me out for weeks and felt like I'd laugh him off. I told him that I had convinced myself he could never want someone as boring as me. If it wasn't for you, I probably would've gone back to Ohio thinking I could never have him and spending years fantasizing about him while he moved on and found someone else. So...thanks."

"I'm very glad I could help," Kendall replied sincerely. "You two are cute together. Mom was happy that she helped in some way by allowing you two to have dinner with us the other night."

"Your mom was?" Logan's eyes widened. "So she knows and is okay with it?"

"Yes and yes. She's a pretty cool mom, actually."

"I'll say. I dread what my mom is gonna say when I tell her I'm not moving back."

"So that's decided?" Kendall wanted to know. "You're staying here?"

"I can't leave now, things are finally getting interesting! I have a boyfriend and everything..." Logan trailed off, unable to believe the words he'd spoken aloud. "It's like I'm dreaming."

"You're not, I promise."

"I didn't really want to stop," Logan admitted, leaning back into the chair in an effort to relax. "I felt like we should, but I wanted to keep kissing him all night. He was hard, I could feel it against my knee."

"Weren't you?"

"Yeah, I just...it's crazy to think I could do that to someone, that someone could be so attracted to me and want me like that."

"Logan, you're not hideous! Accept that you're not a freak, okay?"

"Okay, okay! I'm working on it." Happiness practically bubbled out of Logan as he tried to collect his thoughts. "So um. Did you talk to your guy?"

"My _what?_ " Kendall asked sharply.

"Oh. Sorry, my brain is still a little muddled. I didn't mean it like that, I meant your competition. James Diamond."

Kendall lifted his shoulders in a half-shrug. "Briefly. Nothing worth repeating. He's here and he wants to win. What else is there to say?"

"How about explaining to me what you said earlier about your plan being ruined by him showing up?"

"Oh." Kendall waved a hand in dismissal. "Doesn't matter. I can get revenge just as well by beating him in the contest."

"Is that what you're after? Revenge?"

"Can you blame me? He stole my entire life from me."

"Yet he's not living your life, he's trying to live his."

"Look, Logan, I don't need a lecture. You can't understand what I'm feeling so don't judge me."

"Hey, nobody's judging." Logan's hands lifted up defensively. "I was only trying to understand by asking questions. You're starting to sound like Lucy."

"Oh man, you're not gonna believe the shit she pulled on me tonight. At this rate she'll have me arrested by the end of the week."

"Arrested?! What the heck did I miss?"

After taking a breath to brace himself, Kendall related the debacle with Lucy, leaving out any mention of Diamond or their subsequent conversation. "She's a nutcase," he finished.

Rather than agree or disagree, Logan mused over everything he'd heard and finally said, "But fascinating. She must get off on conflict. And possibly subterfuge."

"Subter-what?"

"Subterfuge. It means pretense and deception, basically. It excites her to fool people into thinking one thing when the opposite is actually true."

"Meaning...?"

"She wants people to think she hates you but in fact she's desperately attracted to you. I wonder how many other guys she does this with. Or even girls, that wouldn't surprise me."

"You think she goes around making out with dudes but being a dick to them when other people are around?"

"It's possible," Logan nodded. "I mean, she is a dick to pretty much every guy she comes into contact with."

"So I'm not just special?"

"You might be. Now I want to ask around but I don't really know anyone I'd trust to ask. Camille, perhaps."

"I'll have Katie spy on her and get the gossip. She can't treat people like that."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I guess," Kendall answered hesitantly.

"Did it turn you on when she kissed you?"

"How did I know you were gonna ask that?"

Logan blushed but didn't back down. "Because you know I get off on figuring out what makes everyone else get off. Did it?"

With a hand over his face, Kendall mumbled, "I had a hard time making it back to the apartment because I was so turned on."

"Aha! So we know you aren't gay then! You could still be bi, I suppose. What was it about the kiss that turned you on? The way she was so aggressive? The secrecy of it? The way it came out of nowhere?"

"I don't really know, Logan. It could've been any of those things. Maybe it's just because I'm eighteen and never been kissed and my body was ready."

"That's so boring," Logan sighed. "You couldn't even make something up for me?"

"Sorry to disappoint," Kendall said sarcastically. "Next time a girl ambushes me in an elevator I'll pay more attention to what my dick is doing."

"That's all I ask."

Kendall couldn't help it, he busted up laughing and reached out to hug Logan to him. "You're definitely not boring, buddy. Don't ever think that."

"Thanks. I'm so curious, though. I'd kiss you to test it but I have a boyfriend now, so I can't."

Leaning away with a smirk, Kendall accused, "I think you just like saying that."

"Guilty. Do you have rehearsal in the morning?"

"Sadly. Oh god, what if we have to share the same rehearsal space? I can't live and work with him every second, I'll go insane."

"You can always drop out."

"Ha. He wishes. Let's get you up to bed."

"Mmm, I'm gonna dream about those lips all night. Even his teeth are amazing."

"I'll trust you."

They stood up and made their way quietly to the staff door, neither daring to speak until they were safe in the hallway. "How about you?" Logan asked. "You gonna dream about Lucy?"

"God, I hope not. Knowing her, it would end up a nightmare with a chainsaw."

"I have this very clear vision of her chasing you with one while screaming, 'Come back and let me kiss you, asshole!'"

"Probably not too far off."

It wasn't Lucy that Kendall was thinking about as he drifted toward sleep, though; it was Diamond. His mother's comments had brought back a memory he'd pushed aside during the past ten years (along with most of the others he chose not to remember from that dark time), and suddenly the scene came back to mind with clarity.

It was freezing out but the sun was beginning to break through the clouds, leaving Kendall in patches of light that appeared and disappeared without rhyme. He could see his breath, as well as the thick exhaust shooting out from the rear of his mother's old minivan, which was loaded down with everything they'd been able to pack into it while it was warming up.

A bundled-up mass of leather came flying down the icy sidewalk, slipping a few times before the boy's sneakers regained traction to keep running until he slid to a stop in front of Kendall. Huffing and puffing while clad in his father's jacket, eight-year-old James Diamond let out a relieved sound. "I almost missed you."

"Yeah." Kendall glanced behind himself to see his mother exiting their home for the last time, two-year-old Katie at her hip. "Things will be better now."

James nodded quickly, squinting when the sun momentarily beat onto his face. "He won't yell at you anymore."

"Nope. Can't wait."

They turned to watch Jennifer open the van's back door and settle Katie into a car seat, Kendall anxious to be gone in case fate could somehow keep them there as prisoners.

"I'll miss you," James blurted, surprising Kendall into turning his face back but James' gaze was still glued to the vehicle. "What am I supposed to do now? Who's gonna look out for me?"

" _You_ are," Kendall assured him. "You're bigger than me, I keep telling you not to be afraid of everyone. Just believe in yourself. You can do anything you want, James. _Be_ anything you want. That's what my mom always says."

"What if you're wrong?"

"Have I ever been wrong?"

There was a soft chuckle as James looked down, both of them knowing that Kendall had been wrong plenty of times—never when it mattered, though. "Guess not."

"Then trust me. You're gonna be captain of the team and you're gonna be great."

"Not as good as you."

Kendall shrugged, knowing it was true. "If you believe it, you can make it happen."

James sighed, glancing to his right and knowing time was short when Jennifer closed the back door. "I wish you could stay. Maybe you could live with me!"

"I have to take care of Mom and Katie."

"Oh. Yeah."

Something in James' face was so pitiful that it drew out Kendall's natural instinct to protect. He dragged James into his arms and hugged him tight, feeling the slightly taller body shake. "You're gonna be okay."

"Promise?"

"Swear. Just remember what I said. Believe in yourself, no matter what anybody else says. Don't let anybody hold you back."

"Okay."

"Promise me."

"I swear."

James didn't sound as if he meant it, though. He still trembled in Kendall's grip, and without thinking too much about it, Kendall pressed his lips to James' neck because it was what they were closest to. "You're gonna be great," he said again.

James' arms tightened briefly, then he seemed to regain his composure enough that Kendall felt it safe to let go.

"I'm sorry, boys, but we need to get going."

"Coming!" Kendall called out while extricating himself from James. He barely glanced at his friend when he realized this was it, they were finally escaping the nightmare. He couldn't wait to get away. "Bye, James!"

"See ya."

Kendall closed himself into the car and buckled up, and after his mother waved at James one last time, they were on their way.

Lying in his dark bedroom now, Kendall wondered if his mother had been correct. _Had_ James cried? Kendall hadn't looked at his face after the hug, being in such a hurry to start his new life. They'd met up a year later on the ice, and while there was a moment when he was actually happy to see James and know he was okay, from that point on James had been his strongest competition and it was impossible to see him as anything else—even a former friend. When that championship game kicked off, they'd faced each other across the ice as opponents who were determined to win at all costs, and it had been the same ever since.

 _Some things never change, I guess._

He'd taught Diamond to believe in himself and to not let anything stop him. In a sense, it was his own fault James had taken him down during their last battle; James had been desperate to win, a quality Kendall had helped instill in him.

"Doesn't matter," Kendall whispered to himself. "You could never beat me at hockey, and you can't beat me at this." Remembering the way James had fallen apart just before his audition, Kendall smiled. "You're still weak. I'm not letting up until I have everything you want, until you have nothing left. Let's see how well _you_ pick up the pieces after your life is shattered."

# #

To Kendall's immense relief, he and Diamond did not have to share rehearsal space—at least not often. Thursday morning Gustavo sat him down to explain what he'd learned in the previous day's meetings, but it was Kelly who did most of the talking because Gustavo tended to lose patience quickly.

"So this is how the show works for your season," Kelly began. "It's only running for five weeks. Each Monday night you'll be singing live on the network, and you'll be performing two songs per episode. The third and fifth weeks, your second song will be a duet."

"A duet?" Kendall echoed. He remembered seeing that each week a celebrity would also be featured on the show. "With one of the guest stars?"

"No," Kelly answered with a shake of her head.

"Then with who?"

Gustavo cut in. "Oh, I don't know, let me see. Maybe the _other contestant_?" The last two words were practically shouted.

This time it was Kendall shaking his head, vehemently. "Absolutely not. There is no way in hell I'm singing with him."

"You signed a contract," Gustavo reminded him. "There's no way in hell you _aren't_."

"I'll walk. You can't make me share a stage with that asshole for more than thirty seconds at a time."

Kelly sighed. "You're not going anywhere. It's part of the show, they do this every season."

"What sense does that even make?" Kendall wondered. "We're two dudes. Are we supposed to sing a love song to each other?"

"If that was the case," Gustavo replied, "you'd do it. Because you _signed_ _a_ _contract_."

"But it's not the case!" Kelly jumped in quickly before Kendall could gather steam. "It's not love songs, there are plenty of duets men do together that are not love songs."

"What songs are they?"

"We haven't decided yet."

Kendall frowned. "I thought I got to choose what songs I perform."

Gustavo enlightened him immediately. "Actually, _I_ get to choose since I'm your coach and it's me that's training you. I'll be picking songs that accent your voice and work well with your vocal range."

"What if I don't like them?"

"Too bad."

Nodding slowly, Kendall sighed. This was what he'd signed up for, and he had to accept it. "Just make sure I win."

"I told you the first day, I don't accept failure. You seemed to be missing that fire I saw in Minnesota and I was worried, but I can see that it's back now. Don't lose it again."

Kendall said nothing, knowing there was no chance of that; he was determined to win over Diamond.

Sensing the danger had passed, Kelly continued. "We only have a few days to get ready for your first episode, so I'm sorry but we'll have to work through Sunday."

"That's fine."

"The remaining weeks you'll have more time to prepare. We'll continue with the two songs you've been rehearsing for this coming Monday, and he'll decide on the next week's songs after voting results come in."

"Which means," Gustavo interrupted, "that if you suck, we'll have to figure out how to make you not suck."

"I'm not gonna suck. If you were worried about that, you wouldn't have picked me."

Gustavo offered a rare smile. "I'm actually not worried about it all. I watched James Diamond audition; I know he's no match for you. I still don't understand how he ended up winning Hawk over."

Hating to admit it, Kendall said, "The reason he did so horrible in front of you is because of things I said to him right before he went out there. I obliterated his focus."

Kelly gave him a look that made Kendall feel a tiny bit of shame. All Gustavo said was, "Can you do it again?"

"Probably not."

"Can you try?"

"I don't want to have anything to do with him."

With lips pursed and fingers tapping together, Gustavo mused, "You hate him, don't you?"

"With everything in me."

"Perfect. That's why you're gonna win."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Next chapter we will finally get to the competition. Sorry for the wait, but there's a lot of background that had to be set up first. Thanks for being patient with the story!

* * *

Due to putting in long hours of rehearsal time, Kendall rarely had time to do more than wave at Logan in passing over the next few days. Each night they'd text for a few minutes to catch up, but as both were doing nothing more than working, there wasn't much to report. Because he knew Sunday would be the most grueling day yet, Kendall asked if they could meet up in the cabana Saturday night for some much-needed decompressing with a friend.

As if reading his mind, Logan showed up with a bag of candy and two bottles of cold soda, which felt like heaven on Kendall's strained vocal cords.

"Oh man, this hits the spot. Thanks, dude."

"Figured it might. I feel like I haven't seen you in months."

"I know. So things are good with Carlos?"

"Yeah, we're having a picnic tomorrow."

"In the park?"

"Not this park. Carlos wanted to but I can't risk it. We're gonna drive to a park on the other side of town."

"Nice," Kendall nodded. "Why haven't you two met up for some quality time since the date?"

"He has to get to bed early most nights, it's part of his training. He spent all day today at an expo, had his own booth and everything."

"No way! That's so awesome!"

"Look, he even sent me pictures. Check out his costume, isn't it sexy?"

Kendall smiled as he scrolled through the photos on Logan's phone. "Definitely tight enough."

"Mmm, I can see every muscle."

"What's he supposed to be?"

"They're calling him Ares. His character is based on the god of war and aggression, and his wrestling personality will be like that, too. I can't wait to see him in action. He's gonna be traveling a lot once the season starts, but he asked if I'd go to a match when they film around here."

"And of course you said yes."

"Just try and stop me," Logan grinned.

"The mask turns you on, doesn't it?"

"The whole thing turns me on. And here I always thought I was above such shallow behavior."

"It's not shallow to be attracted to someone. You just had to find what works for you."

"I guess," Logan shrugged.

"So will you come see me at one of my performances, too? Or do I have to be boyfriend status for that?" Kendall teased.

"Be quiet," Logan laughed. "I'll find a way. When do you get a day off?"

"Tuesday, sort of. We shoot the show each Monday night, and Tuesday is for planning. That's when Gustavo will choose my next two songs and we'll get the results of the voting from the night before. Wednesday I'm back in the studio."

"Not much time to rest. Are you nervous?"

"Not about the votes, I know I can beat that motherfucker. I'm more nervous about being on television and in front of such a large crowd." When Logan remained silent, Kendall asked, "What about him? Seen him around much?"

"He comes in late like you."

"How does he look?"

"Tired. A bit dejected, honestly. I actually made a point to say hi to him today because he seemed so disheartened."

"Good. He probably knows he doesn't have a chance against me."

"Kendall, you're not that type of person."

"What type?"

"The type to be mean. I know why you don't like him, but he doesn't seem all that bad."

"Yeah, well, he didn't ruin your life, did he?"

Logan had no answer for that.

"What did he say?"

"When?"

"When you said hi today. Was he rude?"

"No, not at all," Logan disagreed. "He was surprised, I think. I said hi and he looked over and stopped, like he wasn't sure I was talking to him. So he said hey, and I asked if he was enjoying his stay here. He kind of shrugged, like he hadn't really given it much thought, and I told him to let me know if he needs anything."

"Is he here with his parents?" Kendall wondered, remembering the few times he'd met them. Usually it had been James coming over to his house, and even then mostly when Kendall's father wasn't home. James knew to leave within minutes of Mr. Knight's arrival unless it was a sleepover, and in those instances they'd disappeared into Kendall's room soon after.

"No, Hawk's assistant checked him in. He's got that huge apartment to himself."

"Really? No one came out here with him?"

"Not that I can tell, and the apartment was reserved for one occupant. You're lucky to have your family with you."

"Yeah." Kendall finally dug into the candy, allowing himself two more swallows of soda before speaking again. "Nothing new with Lucy?"

"No, but she's been hanging around the lobby a lot more, which is weird for her. She tends to stay away from everyone usually."

"Yeah? What does she do in the lobby?"

"Pretends to read magazines."

"Pretends?"

Logan nodded. "She's obviously waiting for someone to show up. Wonder who that could be."

Kendall shook his head. "I'm done with her games. She can keep her distance for all I care."

"Come on now," Logan grinned. "You haven't been thinking about kissing her again?"

"Honestly, no. Who's got time to think about kissing? What's she here for anyway? What does she do?"

"She's a musician. Has an album out, if you care. I listened to a few clips, not really my type of music. Too many screaming guitars."

"It's metal?" Kendall asked with wide eyes.

"Yup. She's a rocker chick."

"Well, she certainly dresses like one. Has Katie been staying out of trouble?"

"Mostly. Uncle Reg almost caught her cardsharking yesterday, but I covered for her. She's decided I'm cool enough to be seen talking to."

"That's good," Kendall laughed. "Anything else I need to know?"

"Not really, I guess. Except that I miss you, which is odd. I've never missed anyone but my mom before you and Carlos came along."

"I'm flattered. Thanks for meeting me tonight, it helps to unwind and get my head out of the studio for a bit. I need the reminder that life exists outside this stupid show."

"Anytime, buddy." Logan stood up and stretched, Kendall hearing his bones creak from being on his feet all day. "I gotta get some sleep. You coming?"

"After I finish my drink." He rose to hug Logan. "Goodnight."

"Night. Don't get caught out here after curfew."

"I won't."

Kendall lasted another ten minutes before fatigue dropped on him like a ton of bricks. He started to part the curtains and got one foot out but then froze at the sound of flip-flops on cement. Immediately stepping back behind the curtains, Kendall used one finger to pull the fabric aside just enough to peek out and see who was approaching.

Diamond swished right by him clad in ripped black jeans and a torso-hugging maroon tank. Kendall watched him step into the cabana next door and untie the curtains so they swung shut.

 _Wow, he works fast. Already setting up clandestine meetings after dark?_

More awake now, Kendall remained waiting for another ten minutes to see who Diamond could possibly be meeting, but no one else showed up.

 _What are you doing in there, Diamond?_

He was extremely tempted to sneak a peek between the curtains; the threat of being caught and having to explain himself to Diamond was enough to make him resist the temptation. There had been no sound from inside the cabana for the entire ten minutes. Had he imagined it?

Taking a chance and poking his head out between his own curtains, Kendall saw that he hadn't; the soft glow of a burning candle could be seen warming the fabric, though that was too thick to provide even a silhouette. The front curtains were still closed. Diamond was definitely in there.

Giving up due to exhaustion, Kendall quietly tied his own curtains open and silently snuck back through the employee passage. Twenty minutes later he was showered and snug between clean sheets, the fatigue taking him over again before he could do much more than wonder what it was Diamond might be doing alone under the cover of a candlelit cabana.

* * *

Sunday was absolutely brutal. The pressure of the following day's performance made Gustavo nearly impossible to work with, especially when he tried to bring in a wardrobe team to give Kendall a new look. The coach he'd called in to attempt to teach Kendall how to "present himself" had been bad enough, that screaming match between Gustavo and Kendall only dying down when Kelly suggested that Kendall's minor limp might endear him to fans and gain him sympathy votes once his life story was shared with the world. Kendall did allow the man to suggest a few improvements to his posture and to be more aware of the way he spoke, but otherwise he insisted on remaining his own person. The wardrobe team made it through two outfit suggestions before Kendall threatened to walk out, and then made good on that promise when Gustavo refused to back down.

It was Kelly who ran after Kendall and caught up with him in the lobby of the building, stopping him with a gentle hand on his arm. "Kendall, please, just hear me out."

"I'm not going to let him make me something I'm not. He liked me the way I was or he wouldn't have brought me here."

"I know, he's just really nervous and wants to win this as badly as you do. You haven't told me the story of James Diamond and how you know him, but I can tell there's bad blood between you. You'd give anything to beat him, wouldn't you?"

Kendall hesitated. "Almost anything. I'm not going to change who I am."

"I get that. But think about the way you feel about this kid. How much it would mean to you to see him go down." Kelly saw the flash in his eyes and nodded. "That's how Gustavo feels about Hawk. They've been enemies since they were your age and it's his dream in life to publicly defeat Hawk, especially in front of so many people. Is there anything in life you want more than to beat James?"

"No." This was said without hesitation.

"Gustavo's in the same boat. There's no reason you can't both get what you want. But you have to work together."

Kendall's response was a deeply frustrated groan. "Fine, but can we take a break? It's five o'clock and the only place I've been able to go is the bathroom. I'm starving, I'm tired, and I just need an hour to recharge."

"You're right, we all need that. I'll order in some Chinese for everyone and we can relax for a bit. Are you willing to work late tonight if we need to?"

"Yeah, I don't mind that; I know how important tomorrow is. I just need a break."

"I'll make sure you get it. Food should be here in about a half hour, you're free until then."

"Thank you," Kendall sighed with feeling. "I don't mean to be difficult, you know. It's—"

"I know. He's not easy to work with," Kelly smiled. "But he gets great results."

"So I've heard."

"You sound fantastic on the songs for tomorrow. He won't tell you that, but I will."

"Thanks."

Kendall watched her walk back to the elevator before he sank into a plush chair and pulled out his phone. He didn't care what they said, he'd take the full hour and go grab something to eat with Logan and Carlos, since it was Carlos' dinner time.

All it took was one text from Logan to remind him that it was Sunday, and that Logan and Carlos were on a date. He felt bad for interrupting even though Logan assured him they were on their way back to the hotel by then anyway.

" _If you need to talk, I can call."_

" _No, it's cool. I'm just really stressed out and needed someone sane to talk to for a minute."_

" _Let me call."_

" _No. Your date isn't over until after you kiss him goodnight."_

" _Want to meet by the pool tonight?"_

" _I'll probably be here really late. We can just talk Tuesday."_

There was no reply to that text, Kendall imagining Logan was distracted by Carlos and wishing once again he had someone to call his own. It was crazy how much loneliness had become a problem ever since hockey was taken from him.

Well, if nothing else, he could catch a quick nap on the sofa upstairs. It was better than sitting here feeling sorry for himself.

Kendall's eyes hadn't been closed for ten minutes when a knock on the glass door woke him. He sat up and stared blearily back at Kelly, who was beckoning him with a finger. He sighed as he opened the door. "I'll come eat in a little while."

"No, the food's not even here yet. You have a visitor."

"A what?" Kendall blinked a few times as if to clear his head. Who would visit him at the studio? "Is it my mom or Katie?"

"No, it's a guy. He's on his way up, the front desk just called to let us know."

Diamond. It had to be, there was no one else who would come here to see him. "I don't want to talk to him."

"You don't even know who it is."

"I do, and I'm refusing to talk to him. Tell that asshole that—" The words died when Logan rounded a corner and glanced around the place, obviously looking for him. "Oh, thank god!" Kendall brushed past Kelly without even excusing himself and practically tackled Logan to the ground in a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey," Logan laughed, hugging him back. It was only then that Kendall realized he wasn't alone, and in a moment it was Carlos hugging him.

"Hey, dude! Logan said you could use some company."

"You guys didn't have to come all the way down here!"

"It was on the way home," Carlos shrugged.

"But your date—"

Logan shook his head. "It was about over anyway. We're good."

Kendall could have kissed them both, right smack on the lips. Instead, he spun around to face Kelly. "Um, these are my friends from the hotel."

"Yes, I remember you from the front desk. Logan, right?"

"Hi," Logan nodded, reaching out his hand to shake and much less shy than he was the previous week. "This is my boyfriend, Carlos."

Kendall grinned at the way his face lit up when he said it.

"Hi, nice to meet you. We've got food on the way, if you want to join us. Kendall has to be back in the studio in about forty-five minutes, though."

"Oh, we won't stay long," Logan promised.

Carlos agreed. "Yeah, we just ate."

"Guys, come on in here." Kendall ushered them into the small room he'd been sleeping in, which boasted two chairs, a table, a sofa, and a tiny refrigerator. "There are drinks in there, if you're thirsty. Or coffee in the kitchenette."

"I'm good." Logan waited for Carlos to sink into the sofa before settling in next to him and laying his head on a shoulder. "No offense, Kendall, but you look exhausted."

"Gustavo says the make-up team will take care of that tomorrow."

Carlos nodded as if he'd been told that before. "Are you ready?"

"I think so. I was fine until Gustavo brought in a wardrobe team and some dude who tried to tell me how to walk and stand."

"Oh, yeah, they do that with me, too. But with me it makes sense, I'm playing a character. You're just you."

"Which is enough on its own," Logan hastened to assure him.

"Why doesn't Gustavo think so?"

Carlos shrugged. "He wants to win."

"Like I don't?"

"Kendall, try to see it this way," Logan reasoned. "He knows the business, knows what works in it. You're new to the world of entertainment, so he's taking the lead and going with what he thinks will work."

"I guess, but...I don't want to go out there and be someone I'm not. I just want to play hockey again. I want all of this to go away and I want to be on the ice doing what I was born to do."

Logan asked tentatively, "How do you know this isn't what you were born to do? Do you enjoy singing?"

"Yeah," Kendall admitted. "It's just not the same rush as hockey. I mean, maybe it'll be different when I get on that stage and have all those cameras on me. It _was_ pretty cool to sing at the audition."

"Give it a chance before deciding this isn't for you," Carlos suggested. "Once you make it through the contest you can make up your mind. Maybe there is another path for you, but you won't know this isn't it until you try."

Logan lifted his head to smile at Carlos. "You're so wise."

Carlos shrugged again, this time in pleased embarrassment. Logan pressed their lips together briefly, Kendall filled with a warm feeling as he watched.

"You guys are so cute. Part of me wants to puke, but that's only because I'm alone."

"Just wait," Carlos chuckled. "Once you get a girlfriend, you'll be as bad as us."

"I make him kiss me every time we stop for a red light," Logan shared.

Kendall cringed. "Okay, that's too much."

"Not for me!" To prove it, Carlos smashed his lips into Logan's, who laughed as they kissed before pulling back.

"Okay, okay, let's not rub it in. Poor guy hasn't even had time to find a girl."

"Don't remind me," Kendall sighed. "I was so excited, thinking maybe I'd find someone out here. Instead I don't have time to breathe, let alone find love."

"We'll see what we can do Tuesday," Logan promised. "I'll dig around for information and see what Lucy's got planned."

"No, not her. I told you, I'm keeping my distance. What about that Camille girl you mentioned?"

"Oh," Carlos grinned. "The one who's in love with my man?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "She's not in love. It's a crush and I'm sure it's only because she doesn't know me. She'll probably be all over Kendall once she finally sees him. Do you have any plans for Tuesday?"

"At this point, sleep sounds like the best thing ever."

"Fine, sleep in, but make sure you're hanging out in the lobby or pool area around noon. Camille does auditions in the morning but is usually back by one at the latest. Maybe you can treat her to lunch or something."

"I haven't even met her yet! What if she's not my type?"

One of Logan's eyebrows shot up. "What's your type?" he challenged.

"I don't know if I have one."

"Exactly. Just be out there around noon. If it's not her, it's going to be one of the other girls. Or guys."

"Are you into guys?" Carlos asked.

"He doesn't know yet," Logan answered for him. "He liked it when Lucy kissed him, though."

"I wouldn't say I _liked_ it," Kendall argued. "I was unprepared."

"But it caused an erection."

"Damn!" Carlos gasped. "Must have been some kiss!"

"Shut up, it was my first." Blushing fiercely, Kendall added, "And don't make fun of me for that."

"I'm not! I'm just saying, if you got hard from kissing her for...how long?"

"It was two kisses," Logan supplied.

"Nice."

"It was a matter of seconds," Kendall explained. "And I wasn't expecting it, and she ambushed me. Then tried to make it look like I was raping her or something when the elevator doors opened."

Carlos frowned. "Why would she do that?"

"Because she's psycho. Diamond actually warned me that if I keep it up, I'd end up in jail. I don't care what he thinks, but imagine if she tries that in front of someone else?"

"Diamond?" Carlos asked sharply. "He was there?"

Logan's eyebrow shot up. "You didn't tell me that part."

"He was standing outside the elevator and I'm sure it looked to him like I'd attacked her."

Carlos urged, "Just talk to him and tell him the truth. He'll believe you."

Both Logan and Kendall looked at Carlos in surprise. "You sound like you know him," Logan noted.

"We've talked a few times. Nice guy."

Kendall sat up straighter. "Not you, too," he groaned.

"See, Kendall?" Logan demanded. "He's nice! You should give him a chance!"

"For what? So we can be buddies? You guys sound like my mom. Us being friends would in no way help in this competition. We're both in it to win and it's going to stay that way."

"I'm just saying," Logan began, "that he isn't a dick like you seem to think he is. He's human."

"I don't care. He can be a saint and that doesn't change the fact that he ruined my entire life. He's going down."

Watching Kendall get worked up, Logan smirked. "Careful there, buddy. Might end up with an erection again."

"Shut up! It's not about him!"

Logan moved away from Carlos to lean forward. "I think it's honestly about conflict. You got off on Lucy challenging you, and again when she pushed you too far in the elevator. Every time you get all uptight over James, your face gets flushed and your eyes get this fire in them and...it may not be romantic, but it's definitely passion. I think conflict gets you off, Kendall."

"Whatever." Wishing they weren't having this conversation in front of Carlos, Kendall stood up. "I'm hungry and I'm gonna go eat. Do you guys want a tour of the studio?"

"That would be cool!" Carlos smiled, and Kendall silently thanked him for going along with the subject change.

By the time they'd completed the tour and made it back to the front lobby, Kendall was over his discomfort and once again grateful to them for stopping by to visit. He hugged and thanked them both, promising Logan he'd be in touch before bed. "And you're wrong," he said softly, speaking directly into Logan's ear before stepping back. "I didn't get a boner the day I met Lucy at the front desk. So your theory is flawed."

"You didn't? Not at all?"

"No. She pissed me off. It was stimulating, but not like the other times."

"Hmm." Logan studied him as he backed away. "I'll have to give this more thought."

"And I'm sure you will, because that's what gets _you_ off."

"Shh!" Logan warned, spinning around fast to make sure Carlos hadn't overheard. He was holding the front door open for a woman entering, though. "He doesn't need to know all that!"

"Then he also doesn't need to know about _my_ boners. That's between you and me. Deal?"

"Yes," Logan nodded. "I'm sorry. I didn't think before I opened my mouth."

"We're cool."

"Text me when you get home, I'm about to explode from feelings. The picnic was incredible."

"I will. Bye, Carlos!"

"See ya, buddy!"

Once Kendall had a full belly and had hydrated himself, he felt prepared to go into battle with Gustavo again. This time, though, he tried not to view the man as an enemy; they were on the same side, both after the same goal. As Kelly had stated, they had to work together.

* * *

Kendall arrived at their cabana first this time, immediately closing the curtains for privacy after checking to make sure none of the others were occupied. It was after curfew but he was living proof that rules meant nothing to teens, so it never hurt to be too careful. Of course, the dimly lit candle on the tiny table might also give them away.

Logan followed three minutes later, eyes bright and mouth fixed into a wide grin. "Finally! I thought you'd never get home!"

"You and me both."

"Did it go better with Gustavo after we left?"

"Some," Kendall admitted, waiting until Logan was seated to continue in a quieter tone. "I think Kelly talked to him, too, so we did a little better with compromise this time."

"Is he forcing you to wear something hideous tomorrow?"

"Nope. I won that battle. But enough about me, we can talk about that later. I can tell you're dying to spill about Carlos."

Logan pressed both hands to his face as if keeping in a scream before forcing himself to relax and speak calmly. "He's amazing. I'm so in love."

Kendall smiled, truly happy for his friend. "Did you two spend the day making out in the park?"

"Actually, we didn't. We did kiss for awhile in the car when we were saying goodnight, but at the park we talked a lot. He told me about his life back home and growing up in Texas, what his family's like. I did the same about Ohio and my mom. He's got a ton of cousins and he misses them because they're like siblings to him. He's an only child, though."

"So he likes having a lot of people around?"

"Yes, which is strange for me. I'm the opposite."

"You know what they say about opposites," Kendall smirked.

"Apparently there's some truth to that. I feel like we should annoy each other because we're so different."

"Instead you fascinate each other."

"Precisely. He's really close to his dad, who is now a police officer but also had a short career in the music business."

"Which explains how he knows Gustavo," Kendall nodded.

"It was his friend who knows Gustavo. Either way, his dad put out an album and had two hit singles that I'd honestly never heard. Carlos played them for me and they're not bad for the time period."

"How did he end up a cop?"

"He got tired of the business, didn't like how it was all about money. Decided he wanted to do something meaningful with his life and went to the police academy."

"Wow. Sounds like quite a guy."

Logan agreed. "Carlos worships him, I think. Makes me nervous about meeting him."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "Is it that serious already?"

Though Logan shrugged, he replied, "His parents are coming out for his first show in the federation. They'll most likely stay here, so I'll probably check them in and meet them that way. If nothing else, he wants me at his show, too, so..."

"It's gonna be fine," Kendall promised, sensing Logan starting to freeze up and revert to his natural shyness. "His parents will love you."

"They don't know he's dating me yet. He admitted to me today that his dad might not be proud of a gay son."

"Ah." Kendall allowed that to sink in. "Maybe not so great of a guy after all."

"I don't know," Logan sighed. "It's just weird. A week ago he was this dream I was watching from afar and now I'm worried about meeting his parents and that they won't let us be together and when did it all get so complicated?"

Kendall reached forward to grasp Logan's hands, pulling them apart because they'd begun to wring together. "Take a breath. If you feel like this is moving too fast, it's okay to step back."

"I shouldn't be worried about all of this on our second date, you know?"

"No, you shouldn't. You kind of have to since they're coming out, and I think if they weren't, you two would be fine. This is adding pressure. Maybe for the first visit, you guys should pretend to be just friends."

"That feels like lying, though. And what if they see right through us?"

"They might," Kendall conceded, remembering the way Logan looked at Carlos most of the time. "You are kind of obvious about him."

"It's hopeless," Logan groaned. When he moved to free his hands, Kendall shifted his own to link their fingers and squeeze comfortingly instead.

"It's not. Do what feels right to you. Maybe start out having him introduce you as a friend and see how it goes, if—"

The curtains were suddenly pulled apart and a body squeezed in. "Gotcha!"

Kendall and Logan drew apart in shock, both staring up at Lucy, who for a moment seemed as surprised as they were but then smirked. "Oh, so it's like that, is it?"

"What?" Realizing what she'd walked in on, the sight of him holding hands with Logan, Kendall protested, "No, it's not like that! What the hell are you doing in here anyway?"

With a nonchalant shrug, Lucy answered, "Saw the light on, got curious. Didn't know I was interrupting a romantic tryst."

As Logan was obviously still terrified of Lucy, Kendall handled the talk. "Lucy, it's not what it looks like and I don't have to explain myself to you anyway. _You_ owe _me_ an explanation for the elevator the other day."

"Oh, you mean when you groped me and attacked me?"

Practically speechless with disbelief that she denied the truth to his face, Kendall glanced at Logan, who was now studying her intently. Finally he settled on, "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Hey, I'm not the one hiding out in a cabana with my secret lover."

"Okay, just hold on." Kendall was vaguely aware of Logan warning him to keep his voice down as he stood up. "Logan and I are just friends, and if I hear you're telling anyone anything different, I will make you sorry. It could ruin everything for him and while I know you get off on hating people and making them suffer, he's never done anything to you except be nice and he deserves better. If that isn't enough for you, he's my best friend and I will bodily harm anyone who crosses him. Understand?"

For once, Lucy had no words. She stared up at Kendall defiantly in her usual pose of arms crossed over her chest, but she remained silent.

"I'll take that as a yes. Was there anything else you wanted? Perhaps to grab my dick and then pretend that I somehow forced your hand down there before you slap me and run off?"

Lucy's gaze slid down Kendall's body to his crotch, her smirk making it clear the idea was tempting. In the end, though, she merely lifted her hand and waggled her fingers in a wave. "Later, loverboys."

The curtains swished shut behind her, leaving Logan to sigh in relief. "She's insane."

"Shh," Kendall urged, positive she was still around. He poked his head out and saw no one in the dim light spilling from the lobby. "I think she's still out here hiding somewhere."

"Fine, let's just go to bed."

"No." Kendall took a deep breath to calm himself, then sat down in his chair again. "I'm not letting her ruin our time."

"I'm starting to think maybe she's got multiple personalities."

"That would explain a lot," Kendall mused. "Is it just me or was there more red in her hair?"

"Yeah, she did that yesterday. Came back from somewhere and half her hair was red instead of just a couple of stripes. Turn you on?" Logan grinned.

"Not really. Hey, more proof that your theory is wrong. I didn't get hard just now."

"Okay, I might have to rework that one and concede that it's only when she kisses you. Which would make you a normal teenager."

Kendall chuckled. "Don't sound so sad about it."

"It's just boring. I was hoping I was onto something here, that you got off on weird things I could study."

Not stating what he was thinking, that Logan might be a little "weird" himself, Kendall offered, "Study Lucy. She's definitely a weird one."

"She scares me, though."

Kendall couldn't argue that. "See how she totally denied that she kissed me?"

"I did," Logan nodded. "If I didn't know you better, I'd believe her."

"And most people around here _don't_ know me better, so..."

"Just be careful or you'll get a reputation and never find love."

"Maybe that's her goal."

"Who can make sense of her? She's psychotic."

Kendall shook his head, but not in disagreement. "So are you okay? Feeling better about—"

Logan's abrupt headshake silenced him. Realizing that Logan feared Lucy might still be listening, Kendall backed off.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" Logan asked instead.

"I am, actually. Tonight was much better and I'm kind of excited about tomorrow. I didn't expect that."

"No?"

"No, I mean...I hadn't really given much thought to that part of the competition. But being on TV, seeing how it all works, performing for a live audience like that...I don't know. It doesn't sound like torture anymore."

"Good! Maybe Carlos was right, and this is what you were born to do."

"No," Kendall disagreed. "I'll never believe that. Hockey was what I was born to do. Nothing else feels like hockey and that's not going to change."

"Just give it a chance, okay? Try to forget for five minutes that your goal is to win and just enjoy the experience."

"Never gonna forget that," Kendall replied fiercely. "I can't wait to go into battle against that motherfucker. He won't know what hit him by the time I'm done."

Logan tilted his head as he studied Kendall's face. "What if he wins the first episode?"

"Oh, he won't. It might help if I knew what he was planning to sing, but honestly it makes no difference. I'm going to crush him, just like I always did back home. Every fucking year I beat him and he needs to know that breaking my bones didn't change that."

"And you'll go out there and show him that."

"Damn right, I will. It's on." When Logan's response was nothing more than an amused smile, Kendall asked, "What's so funny? You think this is a game to me?"

"No, absolutely not. This is life and death with you."

"Right. So why is that funny?"

"It's not," Logan soothed. "I'm sorry. I just..." After a few seconds of searching for the right words, he shook his head. "It's late and we have to get up early. Go get some sleep."

"Fine. You can't be there tomorrow night, can you? At the show?"

"I'll see what I can do, but no promises. Can you get me clearance for the lot?"

"Yeah, I'll put your name down along with my mom and Katie. Should I add Carlos?"

"No, he's got practice. Weeknights are pretty much out of the question for him, except for our first date. He made an exception for me," Logan beamed.

"Once again, do I puke or make an aww sound?"

"Shut up, he's adorable. And I'm happy, so..."

"That's all that matters. You go first, I want to make sure Lucy's not still around."

"Whatever you say, buddy. Night."

"Night. Let me know about tomorrow."

"I will."

Kendall peeked through the slit where two sides of the cabana's curtains met to watch Logan make his way to the lobby, wondering why he didn't use the employee hallway and realizing he was worried about Lucy seeing him go through it. To most it looked like a janitor's closet, and it was best to keep it that way.

Sure enough, thirty seconds later Kendall saw Lucy follow in his wake, sneaking through the lobby as if hiding from detection. "Crazy bitch," Kendall muttered. "What's your game?"

Once she was out of sight, he snuffed out the candle and opened the cabana's curtains, leaving them that way before moving swiftly to the door of the hallway. He stepped inside the passage and had almost closed the door when movement caught his eye from the shadows. Someone had snuck through the lobby and was now furtively making his way to the cabanas. It took Kendall a few seconds to recognize that it was Diamond, as his hair was no longer down to his shoulders. When had that happened? As Kendall continued to spy, James entered the cabana he'd occupied the night before. The curtains were closed and the cabana lit up with a dim glow.

"Well, isn't this interesting? Back again. Who are you meeting with?"

This time Kendall didn't have to wait ten minutes. Three minutes into Diamond's occupation of the tent, he watched a slim body with long, two-toned hair cross the patio area from the lobby to the cabana and slip inside. She didn't emerge soon after.

"Unbelievable." It occurred to Kendall then that Lucy's surprise upon discovering him and Logan hadn't been due to them holding hands—it was because she'd been expecting someone else. "What the fuck are you up to, Lucy?"

Though tempted to go listen in, Kendall eventually decided against it for two reasons—one, he thought Lucy was smart enough to catch him, and two, that would make him no better than her. He was above eavesdropping and intruding on private time.

Besides, it was after midnight and he still needed to shower and find something to eat before hitting the bed and getting back up at six A.M. to meet Gustavo and Kelly at the studio by seven. The mystery of Lucy Stone would have to wait for another day.

* * *

The mystery of James Diamond, however, haunted him through his shower and the inhalation of a plate of chicken casserole that his mother had saved him. When he collapsed into bed thirty minutes later, Kendall's mind was still racing because the new haircut had awakened another memory he'd buried deep inside his brain upon moving away from the house he'd spent his first eight years in.

When Kendall had met James for the first time, James' hair had been that length and style. Bangs hanging over his forehead so low they almost obscured his left eye, the rest of his sand-colored hair (it had been much lighter as a child) stopping somewhere above the collar of his shirt. It wasn't what anyone would call short, but it was definitely a shorter style than he'd worn for most of their teen years.

James had been wearing a high collar that day, dressed in some sort of preppy button-down that his mother had insisted upon for the first day at his new school. Kendall later learned that James had moved to Minnesota from California, but no one in Mrs. Porter's first-grade class knew that when he showed up in his mini denim jacket and brand-new blue jeans and sneakers, his hair immaculately styled like a tiny fashion model. Kendall remembered hearing snickers from the back corner of the room, where the bullies liked to gather; he stayed out of it and kept his eyes mostly on the comic book he'd been paging through. Diamond had been sent to a chair across from him, and again Kendall only spared him a glance.

It wasn't until recess that the kid drew more than that from Kendall. Caught up in a game of kickball, he wasn't aware that the new kid was being picked on until a defiant, "Leave me alone!" floated to him from across the playground. Kendall looked to his left to see a small crowd gathered around the taller boy, who despite that and his fierce pose was terrified. He wondered for a moment why these kids were always such jerks before kicking the ball toward someone else and sprinting to the action.

By the time he got there, the new boy was on the ground and cowering with his hands over his face, leaving his stomach exposed to the foot about to connect with it. Kendall used his own to block the kick, then shoved the would-be attacker away. "Knock it off, Darren! He didn't do anything to you!"

"Go away, Kendall, nobody invited you."

"Leave him alone or I'll make you sorry. You know I can do it, remember how long it took you to walk after I—"

"Whatever," the bully interrupted loudly, clearly not wanting him to finish that sentence because then everyone would know what happened between them on a summer's day when Kendall had saved a neighborhood boy who was being similarly threatened. "Never mind, he's not even worth it. Come on, guys, let's leave Kendall with his new boyfriend."

Kendall stood with hands fisted and ready to go until he knew the danger had passed and they were alone (or as alone as they could be on a playground full of children). He spun around to find the boy still on the ground, eyes leaking tears. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." It was said with false bravado; the kid was nowhere near okay.

"Did they hit you?"

"No."

"Why you crying, then?"

He wiped his eyes, then mumbled, "Don't know." With shame, he admitted, "Got scared."

"Come on, you're okay." Kendall held out a hand and waited for the boy to grip it, then pulled him up and squeezed reassuringly. "I promise. I'm Kendall."

The boy sniffed a few times before replying. "James."

"Don't let them bother you." He started to let go of the hand, then felt James clutch at it in fear and allowed the grip to continue. "They won't hurt you."

"Not right now, but once you leave it'll start again."

Kendall considered that before the solution became obvious. "Then I won't leave."

"Yeah, right."

"I won't." Another squeeze to James' hand felt necessary, so he followed the urge.

"You can't stay with me forever," James pointed out.

"Says who?"

James studied him then, as if gauging his sincerity. "Really?"

"I don't lie."

"So you're just gonna be my friend forever?"

"And ever," Kendall agreed, a sunny smile lighting up his features.

The first hint of a grin crossed James' face, terror finally beginning to fade from hazel eyes. "Promise?"

"Forever."

There was one more squeeze of James' hand, and then he was allowed to let go. But from that day until Kendall moved, he'd kept his promise. He'd been at James' side whenever possible, and over the next two and a half years had kept James safe from the bullies that for some reason always seemed drawn to him. Kendall never understood that, as James was bigger and taller than most, but looking back now he thought maybe he knew what attracted them.

Fear. Weakness. James had become stronger with Kendall's influence (eventually even punching one kid who had upset him and making Kendall proud), and Kendall had taught him to stand up for himself and to always fight for what he wanted. Even on their last day together, though, James had been terrified to be without Kendall. He'd seen it, he'd known it to be true, but what was he supposed to do? He had to move, and James understood why.

What Kendall realized as he drifted closer to sleep in a room that wasn't home but was beginning to feel like it was that Diamond's weakness was still a problem for him. Perhaps he'd overcome the fear, Kendall had no way of knowing that. The weakness was definitely still there, though, as Kendall had witnessed it at the audition when it had been so easy to devastate him enough to lose the competition. Kendall could use that, and knew Gustavo would encourage him to.

The thought of it made him feel a bit...slimy. A little like Darren and those other kids who liked to pick on James.

 _James deserves it this time, though. He took everything from me. He ruined my life._

All of that was true, and it made Kendall feel a tad less guilty for his thoughts. If nothing else, he'd keep it in mind as a back-up plan. He was almost positive he could win this fair and square, but it never hurt to have more ammunition.

Sleep was suddenly a distant stranger as his body woke up, a hunger needing to be satisfied. Cursing his raging teenage hormones that brought erections on at the worst possible times, Kendall used his hand to take care of the problem.

After that, sleep came easily.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of Big Time Rush.

So we've finally reached night one of the competition. I think I mentioned that I've never actually watched shows like "American Idol" or "The Voice" so I'm just basing all of this off my imagination of what those shows might be like and coming up with my own version. Hopefully it isn't confusing. I don't think I mentioned it in the story, but there are no judges on this show; the winners are chosen solely by viewers.

The songs used in this chapter are "Say Say Say" by Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney and "Hello" by Lionel Richie. Obviously I own no rights to these lyrics, none of the words are mine. And I got them from Google so if they're wrong, I apologize!

I just really want to take a second to thank Side1ways, spookje10, and whichever guest that doesn't sign in but always reviews my stories for being so loyal and dedicated to my fic. You guys keep me going and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to leave a review whenever I post.

* * *

Along with Kelly and Gustavo, Kendall arrived at the show's studio lot around ten on that first Monday. When he asked why it was necessary to be there so early considering the show wouldn't even be broadcast until evening, Kelly reminded him that for the east coast it was necessary to go live three hours earlier. There was also soundcheck and something known as blocking to be done, which Kendall learned was basically about knowing where to stand and how much room he would have to maneuver during his performances. He was introduced to the show's producers and the host, as well as the make-up team and members of the crew he would be working with directly. Everyone was friendly and welcoming, helping Kendall feel more at ease in a setting that was foreign to him.

Gustavo, however, was in his element. He bossed Kendall around more than usual, his nerves and determination to win barely veiled behind the bluster. Because Kendall understood exactly what he was feeling, he offered little argument to Gustavo's orders and they worked as a team rather than combatants.

It wasn't until he'd finished soundcheck and was exiting the stage that Kendall spotted Diamond and got his first glimpse of the man known as Hawk. George Hawk was shorter than Kendall had imagined, a flashy Afro-American clothed in a sequin jacket and leather pants along with cowboy boots. For some odd reason, he insisted on wearing shades inside the building. His approach wasn't nearly as loud or obnoxious as Gustavo's yet somehow gave off a sly, oily vibe that made Kendall glad he'd ended up with the coach he did. Gustavo did tend toward garish colors and neon that scarred the eyes, but it came across as honest rather than sleazy.

There was a moment when Gustavo and Kendall were forced to stop and greet their competitors, and in the interest of appearing professional, Rocque and Hawk were civil to each other. Kendall took in Diamond's appearance with a quick glance, then twisted his head again for a double-take because...

"What the hell happened to you?"

He hadn't meant to say it out loud, and didn't realize he had until Diamond shook his head and held up a hand in a dismissive gesture that could've meant either "You're not worth talking to" or "Don't ask." Diamond was dressed in a bright blue leather jacket zipped up to his neck, black leather pants, and shiny boots that Kendall couldn't take seriously due to the myriad of zippers that matched the ones on his jacket. Diamond's hair was definitely shorter, appearing even more so now in a slicked-down style that left only his bangs free to curl back up and over so that his forehead exposed.

It was a moment before Kendall realized he was being spoken to, and that the producer was introducing him to James, who only nodded while avoiding Kendall's gaze and managing to look bored. "We've met," Kendall said shortly and turned his focus to Hawk, who shook his hand pleasantly but again gave off that same oily vibe that made his skin crawl. Gustavo summoned him soon after, Kendall following him away from the stage and toward the back while allowing himself one last look at Diamond before entering a hallway.

"He's not seriously wearing that tonight, is he?" Kendall asked Gustavo's retreating back.

"Not my problem," was Gustavo's reply.

Kendall wasn't ready to let it go, though. They turned into the dressing room Kendall had been assigned, finding Kelly listening to someone through her phone. "He can't possibly think anyone could take him seriously in that outfit. And what was that hair?"

"It's Hawk," Gustavo replied, the conversation boring him. He sank onto the sofa and put his feet up. "He does that with every talent he works with, turns them into some weird freaky clone of him."

"That wasn't even a clone, that was just...really bad. And didn't you try to do the same thing with me? Control my appearance?"

"Which you refused to let me do," Gustavo pointed out. It was true; though Kendall had lost his insistence on a flannel shirt, they'd compromised with jeans that were black and classy enough to satisfy Gustavo, and shoes that were athletic and comfortable yet still not trashy (Gustavo's word for most of Kendall's apparel). The shirt they'd agreed on was made of t-shirt material but long-sleeved and with a semi-fashionable pattern. "It's what we do, Kendall. It's how we win."

"Yeah, Diamond doesn't have a chance of winning in that clown outfit."

Their eyes met, Gustavo lifting an eyebrow as if to say, "Isn't that what we want?" and Kendall replied with a pleased smirk. Yes, that was exactly what they wanted, and Hawk was doing half their job for them.

"We've got this," Kendall grinned.

"Yup."

"Guys, I just got off the phone with the director," Kelly stated. "She needs to make sure the cameramen know where your mom and sister are so they can pan to them throughout the evening. Is Logan coming with them or not?"

"Uh...I don't think so. Let me check."

When his text went unanswered, Kendall placed a call to the hotel and was rewarded with Logan's voice. "Hey, it's Kendall. Do we need to save you a seat tonight?" When Logan sighed, Kendall's heart sank. "Please come."

"I'm gonna try, but you know how he is. He already had to give me half of yesterday off for my picnic."

"I know, I get it, that was more important, I just—"

"No, Kendall, that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just hard to get out of work again so soon."

"Yeah. I understand." Shocked by the fact that he was getting choked up over something so minor, Kendall rushed to end the call. "Next time. I gotta go, they—"

"I'm sorry, I really want to be there, I just—"

"I get it. We'll talk later. Bye."

Before Logan could say anything else, Kendall hung up and shook his head at Kelly, blinking furiously and angry at himself for allowing feelings to erupt.

"Hey," Kelly began, "can you go get me a pink lemonade from the vending machine down the hall?"

Grateful beyond belief, Kendall nodded and caught the small wallet she tossed his way. "Be right back."

"Take your time."

He owed Kelly dinner, or lunch at the very least. He probably would've walked ten times over by now if it wasn't for her, and as Kendall headed back down the hall toward the stage area, he said a silent prayer of thanks for her presence in the chaos his life had become.

He was about to drop a quarter into the vending machine when a voice rang out, clear as a bell and what his mother would have most definitely called "the voice of an angel." It was unaccompanied for the time being, Kendall remembering that he'd also been asked to sing into a microphone before they went through the actual songs he would be performing, and the voice was filled with so much emotion it sent a shiver through him.

Before he could even begin to figure out the lyrics, the singing stopped. "Try the bridge!" Hawk called out.

"Which one?"

Diamond's question was said in a laughing manner, as if there were many bridges to the song, and in spite of himself Kendall's curiosity got the better of him. He peeked around the corner of the open doorway and spotted Diamond at the front of the stage, still clad in that ridiculous outfit.

"What can I do?" was Hawk's response. "They'll need to test the higher notes."

Kendall was confused until James began to sing.

 _What can I do, girl, to get through to you?_

 _Cause I love you, baby_

 _Standing here, baptized in all my tears_

 _Baby through the years, you know I'm crying_

That was followed by some crooning "ooo ooo" sounds that were vaguely familiar to Kendall. Probably an older song he'd heard at some point in his life. What mattered, though, weren't the lyrics but the fact that Diamond could _sing_. He hadn't heard that during his audition, and according to his family, there was no threat to be had. Kendall had known that he had to have some kind of gift in order to be selected by Hawk, but he hadn't expected such sheer talent and training.

 _When did you have time to learn all this? Weren't you at hockey practice all your life like me?_

Apparently not. He'd obviously managed to work in singing lessons at some point. Kendall couldn't help but wonder if that was an avenue James would've pursued had he been present. James lived and breathed hockey the same way Kendall did when they were together. What about when James was alone, though? What was it that newspaper article had said?

" _Music was always his first love, and as a boy Diamond could often be found dancing to his favorite songs, whether at a family gathering or alone in his room."_

Or alone in his room.

For the first time, Kendall wondered if James had been ashamed to share that side of himself. Had he feared Kendall would mock him for it?

Had he perhaps been right to fear that?

Another flash of memory came to him then, young James bopping his head to a song playing at the rink as they left practice to wait outside for his mother to pick them up. Kendall had been stopped by their coach for a quick conversation, and when it was done he'd turned to see James watching the figure skaters work on a routine. They were dancing on the ice, James' foot tapping in time to the music as he hummed along to the song, which Kendall had never heard before. Unaware that he was being observed, James broke out with a soft "ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo" in time to the music, and Kendall erupted into snickers.

James' cheeks flamed and he ducked his gaze when Kendall tried to catch it. "Want to go join them?" Kendall had teased.

Rolling his eyes at the mere notion, James nudged Kendall aside and started walking. "Don't be stupid. My mom plays that song around the house."

Kendall had dropped it then, but now the conversation came back to him with meaning as he realized the song James had just been singing on stage was the one he'd hummed on that day so long ago.

As if to prove it, background music began to play and James launched into the full song for soundcheck.

 _Say, say, say what you want but don't play games with my affection  
Take, take, take what you need but don't leave me with no direction  
All alone I sit home by the phone waiting for you baby  
Through the years how can you stand to hear my pleading for you dear?  
You know I'm crying, ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo_

A crew member standing near Kendall commented to another, "Wow, he actually sounds like Michael Jackson. I'm impressed."

 _Michael Jackson._ At least the outfit made a little more sense to Kendall now. He stayed in place, studying Diamond as he sang and seeing the confidence that had been missing all those years ago.

 _Now go, go, go where you want but don't leave me here forever  
You, you, you stay away so long, girl, I see you never  
What can I do, girl, to get through to you  
Cause I love you baby  
Standing here baptized in all my tears, baby through the years  
You know I'm crying, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh _

As Kendall continued to watch, there was a slight reaction inside his jeans that shocked him and he groaned, thinking Logan would have plenty to say about that. A tremor of panic ran through Kendall that had him sprinting back down the hall so that he slid to a stop in the dressing room and slammed the door. "We have a problem," he stated without preamble.

Kelly glanced over in confusion. "Where's my lemonade?"

"Forget the lemonade." He lobbed the wallet across the air, waiting until Gustavo was looking up at him from the sofa. "He's good."

"Who?" Kelly questioned.

"Who do you think? Diamond! He's incredible! I just heard him singing, he's way more talented than I dreamed and it doesn't matter what he's wearing, no one's gonna care about that once he opens his mouth."

"Kendall," Gustavo began on a sigh.

"No, I'm serious! Go listen to him, he's fantastic!"

"If you don't sit down right now, I'll make you with my bare hands," Gustavo warned. Seeing that he meant it, Kendall sank into a chair. "Did you think he was going to be horrible?"

"Well, no, I mean...I guess I knew he would be decent, I just didn't expect—"

"He got onto the show, didn't he? Of course he's talented. That's why I've been running you so hard."

"But you just said yesterday that you weren't worried about him! You heard him at the audition and—"

"Look, I didn't want you to panic, which is exactly what you're doing now. Hawk doesn't side with losers."

"Gustavo, I've only been singing for like a week! This guy's been doing it all his life, from what I can tell! How am I supposed to—"

"You've got the fire," Gustavo explained slowly, as if to a five-year-old. "He does not. Your voice is good, no question, but that's not what's going to win you this contest. Hawk goes for the talent, I go for the passion."

"But he _has_ passion."

"And you've got more. You want to win this more than you want anything else in life, am I right?"

"Yes," Kendall agreed without hesitation. "I'm not backing down."

"Good. Then stop your whining and remember why we're here. You want this and you always win."

"I always win," Kendall repeated with a nod. It helped to remind himself of that. "But he wants this more than anything else in life, too." He didn't add that he was here for that exact reason.

"And are you going to let him have it?" Gustavo challenged.

Just like that, the fire was back. Kendall felt it warming him, welcomed the way it surged through his body like the adrenaline he always felt right before the championship hockey match. "Hell no."

"Perfect. Get out there tonight and win this damn thing."

"Done."

* * *

"Kendall, they're ready for your package."

Thinking he must have heard wrong, Kendall looked up from the plate of food he'd grabbed from craft services. "Excuse me? My _what?_ "

"Your package," Kelly explained patiently. "It's the video they put together for each show, they play it before you go on. Tonight it's going to explain your background and what led you here, most likely. They're ready to interview you now."

Kendall swallowed a large bite of mashed potatoes. "I just started eating."

"They need time to edit everything together. The director said all that's missing from yours is your interview since they already got your mom and Katie."

"Wait, what? When did they do that?"

"Earlier in the week. Your mom and Katie came down to film interviews. They didn't tell you that?"

"No. Why are my mom and Katie being interviewed?"

Kelly allowed herself a deep, centering breath. "We showed you this the first day, remember? You watched previous seasons and saw that."

"Oh." Kendall did remember now, though it was a blur. "What kind of questions are they going to ask?"

"Probably just stuff about your childhood, your goals and dreams, that sort of thing."

Gustavo finally spoke up, taking a break from his own food. "Please remember that we're trying to win this thing. Play up the injury, make it sound like your life was shattered along with your knee. Oh, I like that. Use that. Those exact words."

"My life _was_ shattered," Kendall retorted in an annoyed tone. "But why does the whole world—"

"You want to win."

With four words, Gustavo successfully cut him off. Kendall nodded. "Understood. Where am I going?"

"Hair and make-up will do a quick touch-up, then head to the stage area. They have a small set put together for the interviews."

"Fine. But I'm not letting them mess with my hair!"

"We want you to be presentable!" Kelly called out as Kendall escaped the room.

Kendall ignored her and found the make-up trailer easily enough, having been shown its location upon arrival. Diamond emerged just as Kendall started up the tiny stairs, forcing Kendall to back down and wait for him to pass. His hair hadn't changed, but they'd done something to his face to make it smoother and up close, it was obvious that the make-up was caked on. "Are they gonna do that to me?" Kendall couldn't help asking with a grimace.

"Fuck you," was James' answer, with so much force that Kendall took a step back in shock. He recovered enough to yell out, "Oh, that's real nice, Diamond, real professional! Hope you break your fucking leg falling off the stage tonight!"

He'd said it on purpose, once again using the leg because he knew there was a part of Diamond that probably felt a little guilty for hurting him, even though he'd meant to do it; Diamond had always been too weak to be mean and stick with it. To his satisfaction, there was a brief halt in Diamond's step before he continued on without looking back.

"I can still get to you," Kendall muttered under his breath. "Good to know."

To his chagrin, they _did_ do that to his face and he could actually feel the make-up when he flexed those muscles. When he complained, he was told it was for the camera and that on television, it would look normal. He allowed them to use some sort of powder on his eyelids but drew the line at gloss on his lips. With a huff the make-up artist gave up, excusing him from the trailer.

The interview itself wasn't too bad, except for the fact that he was forced to think and talk about a life he could no longer live or look forward to. He didn't have to play up anything when talking about hockey and the dream he'd lost, his pain and anger coming through without aid. He knew better than to mention Diamond in any way, only stating that someone from the opposing team had checked him hard enough to shatter his knee.

"And my life along with it," Kendall made sure to add for Gustavo. "I wanted to die. For months, there was nothing to live for and no future for me. It was my mom who opened my eyes and showed me a different path to take, and that led me here. It isn't about winning for me." A blatant lie that Kendall felt no compunction for telling. "It's about having something to live for again, a new path that gives me hope and direction. I just want to live again."

Having come down to watch the interview, Gustavo took Kendall aside for a high five once they were alone. "You crushed that!" he gloated. "The entire country is going to root for you, you delivered it perfectly and made it sound genuine."

"It _was_ genuine," Kendall replied. "Except the part about how it's not about winning. Because it totally is, and I'll do what I have to in order to make it happen."

"Excellent. They're going to edit your interview and splice it in with the package they've already prepared. You have an hour, go finish your dinner and get ready."

"Your mom and Katie are here," Kelly offered. "Can I send them back?"

"Please." As childish as it sounded, what Kendall needed most right now was family because suddenly the nerves were beginning to kick in.

He'd managed two bites of mashed potatoes before setting down the fork in defeat; his throat was closing up and a panic attack was starting to descend. Kendall had never panicked before a competition, this was what he lived for.

"Stupid Diamond," he murmured, blaming James for all of his misery. What was he even doing here? He couldn't go out on live television and sing to millions of people! This wasn't his place!

"Honey?"

At the sound of his mother's voice coming down the hall, Kendall flew up off the sofa and ran to her, clutching her tight and letting the trembles overtake him. He sensed Katie standing nearby, as well as someone else, and finally turned to see that it was Logan, wearing his hair the way he had for Carlos and in the yellow shirt and pants he wore for work.

"Sorry," Logan apologized. "I didn't have time to change."

"I don't care! You came!"

Logan was the next to be tackled with a hug while Jennifer asked, "Honey, are you okay?"

"No. No, I'm..."

Just then Diamond emerged from a door down the hall, Hawk's assistant leading the way. James turned back curiously and Kendall immediately changed the direction of his statement.

"I'm fantastic! So excited for this, can't wait to get out there and win this thing!"

James' gaze flickered to Logan, who was still being hugged to death, then back to Kendall before he dismissed the lot of them and continued down the hall.

"Are you sure?" Logan asked quietly. "You don't seem fantastic."

Kendall quickly dragged them all into the dressing room and shut the door. "I'm a wreck," he admitted.

Katie rolled her eyes. "He only said all that because Diamond was there. Dude, it's okay to be nervous."

"Does _he_ look nervous at all? No. Because this is what he was born to do and he knows it. I heard him sing earlier and he's so much better than me. What made me think I could do this?"

"Gustavo knows you can," was Jennifer's answer. "He may not be the nicest person in the world, but I trust him when it comes to the industry. He knows you can do it and that's enough for me. Also, Kendall, I've never seen you fail once when you put your mind to winning something."

"Except the last game," Kendall countered darkly.

"That doesn't count," she sighed. "You know why your team lost that. It's the entire reason you're here, remember?"

"Yeah." Kendall forced himself to calm down and turned to Logan. "How did you manage this?"

"Threatened him again," Logan shrugged. "Told him I'd pack up and leave tomorrow if he didn't let me take off early tonight."

"I'm so proud of you," Kendall laughed. "You're growing balls, dude."

"I never had any before you moved here, so..."

Katie's face scrunched up in disgust. "Ew."

At the clearing of his mother's throat, Kendall apologized. "Sorry, sis. It means a lot to me that you guys are here tonight. Thank you."

"Of course we're here, dork," Katie replied. "We're family. It's weird, it kind of feels like one of your championship games, only different. You going up against Diamond. How crazy is it that you moved all the way across the country just to battle him again?"

Kendall hadn't thought of it that way, but he couldn't argue her logic. "I guess it does kind of feel that way a little. He's mean now, though. Said some unpleasant things to me earlier."

"Can you blame him?" Logan asked delicately. When Kendall turned a glare of betrayal his way, he clarified, "I only mean that you haven't been exactly nice to him, either."

"He doesn't deserve my nice...ness. Is that a word?"

"We get your point," Jennifer assured him. "At least at the hockey games you two never yelled at each other or got rude."

"Yeah," Katie agreed. "It was just a bunch of staring and glaring and head games."

"Never a dull moment," Jennifer nodded.

Logan glanced at Kendall before commenting, "I bet it was pretty intense."

"Oh yeah," Jennifer said. "You could cut the tension between them with a knife every time they looked at each other."

Seeing that musing look on Logan's face again, Kendall cut off any further discussion with, "It doesn't matter. The point is I beat him every single time—" Katie opened her mouth and Kendall derailed her. "—that one doesn't count, and this competition is no different. James Diamond is going down."

"That's what I like to hear!" Katie exclaimed, lifting up her hand for a high five. "Crush him, bro!"

Jennifer seemed embarrassed to show the same sort of savagery in front of Logan, but finally caved. "Crush him."

They all looked at Logan, who had his arms crossed over his chest in a way that was completely different from Lucy's similar hostile pose. "Do what makes you happy," was Logan's contribution, and because Kendall knew only one thing would, he took it in the same vein.

* * *

# #

Kendall watched most of the show from the backstage area, where it was being streamed on a large television affixed to the wall. When he was called out to the stage for his initial introduction, he exchanged small talk with the host and attempted to keep from sweating under all the lights; he could only assume the make-up was helping to prevent that. When they broke for commercial, he passed Diamond backstage and neither said a word or even acknowledged each other, though Kendall was tempted to bite out a stinging remark.

 _Time for that later_ , he told himself. _Wait until you need to throw off his focus._

Along with Kelly and Gustavo (as his guests had gone to their seats in the audience), Kendall watched Diamond explain to America how much he loved to sing and how this was a dream come true. He thanked Hawk for giving him this opportunity (as Kendall had done for Gustavo, as well) and hoped that America would help him continue to follow his dreams.

While Kendall's gaze narrowed, Gustavo cursed under his breath. "He's already laying it on for the voters and trying to win them over with lies."

"He's not lying," Kendall contradicted. "This is his dream. That's why I want to crush it so badly."

"Is that why you're doing this?" Kelly wondered honestly, asking him directly for the first time. "Is it all just for vengeance or do you actually want the contract and the singing career?"

Kendall hesitated to answer, unsure how Gustavo would react to the truth, but he beat Kendall to a response. "Does it really matter as long as we win?"

"Well, kind of." Defensive, Kelly continued, "It makes me feel guilty stealing this from somebody who actually wants it."

"Well, guess what?" Gustavo countered. "I want something, too, and that's to defeat Hawk."

"And Kelly, before you start judging me, keep in mind that he stole my dream from me first."

Comprehension dawned in her eyes. "Oh my god. It was him. He's the one who shattered your knee."

"And he did it on purpose. So stop feeling sorry for him. He deserves this."

Kelly offered no comment to that.

As Diamond was due to perform the first song of the evening, he stayed on the stage and got into place rather than return to the backstage area. Kendall peeked out and saw his mother and Katie in the first row, Logan having managed to secure a seat to Katie's left. It made him smile, his three biggest supporters there to cheer him on, and he was hoping his mother would look toward him so he could mouth an "I love you" her way but instead she lifted her hand in a wave and he followed her gaze to...Diamond?

James smiled hesitantly back at Jennifer, then gestured to her left and silently asked, "Katie?" When Jennifer nodded, James' eyes widened and the smile became a full grin. Kendall distinctly heard James call out, "She's so big now!", causing Jennifer to laugh and nod.

A slow burn filled Kendall. How dare his mother consort with the enemy? He didn't care that they knew each other years ago, his mother was supposed to be on _his_ side and detest the man who had robbed him of his life. He looked at Logan with an expression that said, "Can you believe this?" Logan only shrugged. At least Katie was still eyeing James with suspicion, most likely thinking what Kendall was—James was trying to soften up the enemy.

The rage returned, Kendall channeling it and using it as fuel to prepare him for his performance. He disappeared backstage again, not wanting to watch Diamond and lose his focus. Gustavo and Kelly peppered him with last-minute advice, reminding him how to stand and enunciate into the microphone, saving him the torture of having to watch James' package as it played out on the monitor. He couldn't avoid James' performance, though, and was forced to listen to that voice once James loosed it on the world. It was the song from earlier, sounding even better than it had in practice, and he couldn't keep his eyes from straying to the television on the wall.

With Kelly at his left and Gustavo at his right, Kendall watched James Diamond come alive in a way he'd never witnessed before. Gone was the fear and the weakness, replaced with a fire of his own that was similar to Kendall's, yet somehow not as brutal. When James sang, he was feeling the music and the lyrics. It reminded him of what Logan had suggested.

 _Try to forget for five minutes that your goal is to win and just enjoy the experience._

That was exactly what Diamond was doing now; he was living and breathing the words and melodies, and Kendall was powerless to look away. This was what James looked like on the ice, fierce and radiant as he squared off against Kendall.

 _You never ever worry and you never shed a tear  
You're saying that my love ain't real  
Just look at my face, these tears ain't drying_

 _You, you, you can never say that I'm not the one who really loves you_

 _I pray, pray, pray every day that you'll see things, girl, like I do_

Kendall finally turned his face from the monitor, not wanting to see anymore. This wasn't helping his confidence at all.

"Stop it," Gustavo erupted, as if knowing what he was feeling. "Right now. Get back in your head and get ready to crush him."

"Yeah."

What he couldn't block out was the voice. Kendall escaped through the hallway and to his dressing room where it was blessedly muted. Closing his eyes, he recalled the months of pain and agony he'd endured in physical therapy, relived the hopelessness and depression that had settled over him. He heard James throw a heated "Fuck you" his way and remembered how it had made him feel. By the time Kelly knocked on the door to draw him out again, Kendall was ready.

Gone were the nerves, gone was the fear that he couldn't sing as well as James. After the commercial break, Kendall watched his own package play out on a huge screen above the audience and was impressed with the way the producers had edited it together. He listened to his mother talk about how she'd been so worried for her son when hockey was taken from him, witnessed his tough little sister admit on record that he'd scared her with his listlessness. "It was like living with a zombie, I just wanted my brother back. Thanks to this show, I have him."

Kendall's gaze cut across the stage to the opposite wing, where Diamond was watching the video intently.

 _Good. See what you did to me, to my family. Know that I suffered and that you're going to, too._

When the video ended, applause broke out. Once it died down, Kendall heard the host gearing up his reintroduction to the stage. His name was announced, he stepped forward to make his way to the microphone, and James Diamond chose that moment to get his attention.

"Fuck. You."

James' words were mouthed clearly and paired with eyes full of venom. Rather than throw his focus off, they caused Kendall to smile because it was the ammunition and the final push he needed.

James Diamond was going down.

* * *

Gustavo and Kelly were all smiles as he exited the stage, Kelly actually hugging him in her excitement because "You blew me away with that! Kendall, why don't you sing like that in rehearsal?!"

"I thought I did."

"No." Gustavo patted him on the back so hard Kendall stumbled. "You give half that much in rehearsal. This was what I knew you had in you. He was great, but you were better."

"Really?" It seemed impossible after witnessing James sing his heart out that Kendall could not only match, but surpass his performance.

"Now just do the same thing for your next song," Gustavo commanded.

"Right." He still had another entire song to do. How was he going to make it through another round? "I need water."

"Come on, let's get you back to the dressing room for now."

Kelly pulled him along, allowing him to collapse onto the sofa in a daze. "How did it feel?" she asked.

"What?"

"Being up there, singing the song. How did it feel?"

"It felt..." Kendall accepted the bottle of water she passed him and unscrewed the cap while trying to decide. "Really good, actually. Wow. What a rush."

"See? Do it for that, not for the thrill of winning."

"Yeah, no. I'm still gonna make him suffer."

Kelly only rolled her eyes while he sucked down half the bottle in continuous gulps.

Not even thirty seconds later the door opened and his family poured in, a small mass of excitement. Logan surprised him with, "Kendall, holy shit. I didn't know you had that in you."

It was a mark of how high up on cloud nine his own mother was that she didn't even bat an eye at the language. "It was like your audition, only ten times as powerful! I'm so proud of you!"

He was dragged off the sofa and into a hug that was more of a bounce by Jennifer. Catching Katie's eye, he asked, "Did I do it? Did I crush him?"

"Ohhhhh yeah. He was fantastic, though, did you see any of his set?"

"I saw about half of it. He sounded better than I thought he would."

"Yeah," Katie nodded. "But you were still way better. Especially after watching the interview video thing, I could tell the audience was rooting for you. Then you sang and there's no way anyone would vote against you, dude."

"Mom, can I have my body back for a minute?"

"Oh, of course. Sorry." Jennifer let Kendall escape her grip. "I'm just so excited. So proud of you!"

"Thanks. And um...thanks for forcing me to find something else. I don't know if this is my path, but it's been pretty great so far. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

"Aww, honey."

Sensing another hug was on the horizon, Kendall quickly turned to Logan. "So. Good?"

"Incredible. I bet everyone is sitting in the Palm Woods lobby tonight watching you guys, and I bet Lucy can't wait to get you alone again."

"Ugh, don't remind me. Except that it hasn't aired yet here, has it?"

"Oh, that's right," Logan frowned. "I forget we're on east coast time here. Maybe we can watch with them when we get back, though we'll miss probably the first hour or so."

It sounded like fun, Kendall actually liking the idea until he realized Diamond would most likely be there, too. "We'll see. Do you guys need to get back out there?"

Jennifer shook her head. "They have seat fillers in our chairs right now. None of us minded missing the guest star to come back here."

"Yeah, she sucks," Katie concurred. "We'll go back out when the next round starts. How much time do we have?"

It was Kelly who answered that. "Not a whole lot, because he's going first in the next round and we have to get him back into make-up before that."

"Okay, we won't keep you, then." Jennifer managed to squeeze in another hug before lightly pulling Katie toward the door. "Just do it again, honey. What you just did out there? Do it again."

"I'll try," he promised with a smile.

Logan hadn't moved. Kendall could read him well enough to know he wanted to talk to Kendall privately and asked Kelly, "Can you go get me a lemonade?"

"Sugar isn't good for your throat right now. The syrup will—"

"Lemonade," he repeated, and in a flash she got it.

"I'll take my time."

"Thanks."

Once the door was closed, Kendall sank down onto the sofa again. Logan took the chair adjacent to it. "How are you really?"

"Kind of...I don't even know. Floating. But also dazed. I barely even remember singing the song. When it first started, I saw you guys out there. I saw so many faces and it threw off my concentration to focus on any one in particular so I just...it became a blur. I fed off their energy, though, I could feel that."

"What else were you feeding off of?"

"What?" Kendall finally turned his gaze to Logan.

"What did he say to you before you walked out?"

"Who?"

"You know who. I saw him at the side and I saw him mouth something. What did he say?"

"Oh, that," Kendall smirked. "He thought he could fuck with my head. He did it earlier in the day, too. 'Fuck you' seems to be his fallback insult."

"But it didn't work as an insult?"

"Nope. It just made me want it more."

"I watched that happen, you know." Logan leaned forward so that his elbows rested on his knees. "You watched that video and you were ready, but then he said something and it was like a switch being thrown on. I watched you come alive."

Kendall blinked slowly, surprised by Logan's use of a term that had run through his mind earlier regarding Diamond. "So is this more about your theory? It adds to your whole 'conflict gets me off' thing, right?"

"Pretty much," Logan nodded. "I think challenge is more accurate, though. Do you enjoy watching people fight?"

"No. It just pisses me off."

"Like Lucy did. Yet when someone directly challenges you, you come alive."

The words were probably true, but it wasn't really what Kendall wanted to hear at the moment. "So the fact that he hates me is going to help me win. Is that what you're saying?"

"I never said that. I'm just pointing out my observations."

"Can you do that another time when I'm not about to go on stage in front of millions of people?"

"Sure," Logan laughed. "Sorry. My brain's constantly going."

"I know," Kendall smiled. "And if I was into that sort of thing, I'd probably find it sexy. I bet Carlos does."

"You think?"

"I do." As he'd sufficiently distracted Logan with another train of thought, Kendall stood up. "I need to get down to make-up. Gustavo's probably out there raising hell."

"Right."

Once Logan joined him, he reached out to pull Kendall into a hug. "I really am proud of you, dude. You should think about this as your future."

Unwilling to commit to anything, Kendall hugged Logan in return but said nothing except, "Thanks again for coming. I know it wasn't easy."

"You're worth it." He backed away to share, "By the way, I have a standing request for the next four Monday nights off. If you can spare a seat again."

"It's yours," Kendall grinned. "Having you here helps so much."

"I'm glad," Logan replied as they stepped out in the hallway. "You said before that you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your mom. I'm really grateful to her, too, for bringing you into my life."

Kendall nodded. "Stop or the make-up lady will kill me for ruining her work with tears."

"Deal."

After one more hug, they turned to walk down the hall together. Kendall's gait slowed for a second when he spied Diamond coming from the other direction, but this time there were no hateful words exchanged. Diamond turned into his dressing room and they continued on.

"I get that it's a Michael Jackson song," Logan whispered, "but he looks hideous."

Kendall laughed heartily as they passed the closing door. He couldn't have agreed more.

* * *

The remainder of the evening passed in a blur. Kendall suffered no nerves at all before his second performance, flying through it with the same confidence as the first. This time he watched most of Diamond's song, muttering to Kelly, "Will all of his songs be about love?" Neither of Kendall's had been.

"That's Hawk's trademark," Gustavo jumped in. "He always goes for love songs, thinking they'll win over listeners. The sadder, the better."

Having picked up that this was another about unrequited love, Kendall nodded. "Do me a favor and promise me no love songs."

"Can't do that. You'll have to sing some to get by, Hawk isn't totally off the mark."

"Ugh," Kendall groaned. "At least promise me I don't have to look as tortured and in pain as he does."

"It is pretty disgusting," Gustavo agreed.

Kelly took both of them in with her gaze before stating, "You know, there's nothing wrong with feeling things. You two could use a little heart. All you care about is winning."

Gustavo nodded. "I'll take that as a compliment. Love is for idiots who have no control. But Kendall, when you sing a love song, try to sell it. Make the audience believe you've felt every word the way Diamond does."

Kendall couldn't argue the effectiveness of it; when he peeked out, the audience seemed to be eating up every word, and Gustavo was right—Diamond was really selling it.

 _I long to see the sunlight in your hair_ _  
_ _And tell you time and time again how much I care_ _  
_ _Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow_ _  
_ _Hello, I've just got to let you know_ _  
_ _Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do_ _  
_ _Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you?_ _  
_ _Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue_ _  
_ _But let me start by saying I love you_

"At least the outfit's in the right era, ugly as it might be."

Kelly's words drew Kendall out of the trance he'd fallen into watching Diamond. "Who sings this one?"

"Lionel Richie. You're too young to appreciate him."

"I know the name. So Hawk went with an 80's theme tonight."

"Looks like it," Gustavo agreed. "Which reminds me, each successive week has a theme. Next week we're doing the 50's."

"The what? I don't even know any songs from the 50's."

"You're gonna have to learn some, because we don't have a choice. The producers decided on that."

"Greeeeeat. What songs are you making me sing?"

"I'll figure that out tomorrow to distract myself until the results are announced."

"What time does that happen?"

"At tomorrow night's show. Didn't Kelly go through all of this with you?"

"Oh, Kendall, by the way," Kelly began, "I forgot to mention that each Tuesday there's another show."

"What?! You said Tuesdays are my days off!"

"Yeah, I forgot about that. You don't have to sing on this show, though. It only runs a half hour and they fill the time with flashbacks to tonight and a guest star. And they get you on stage to talk about the whole thing."

"Oh, come on."

"Shut it, Knight," Gustavo ordered. "It's all part of the game. Meet us at Rocque Records at four, this one doesn't start until nine on the east coast and there's very little prep time. You still have most of the day to goof off, Whiny McWhinerson."

"I'm not whining! One day a week off is not too much to ask!"

"Shh, guys, he's about to end it."

Kendall and Gustavo both turned their attention back to the monitor, where Diamond was on one knee and reaching out toward the audience as if seeing someone else.

 _And I want to tell you so much...I love you_

A sentence from long ago ran through Kendall's head.

 _Mommy says you should make sure people know when you love them, that it's the most important thing of all._

Did Diamond still feel that way? Surely by now he'd grown up enough to realize love wasn't all flowers and rainbows. The way he sang the songs told Kendall that was probably the case; at some point over the past ten years, he'd fallen in love and had his feelings trampled.

 _This is why it's smart not to fall in love_ , Kendall thought to himself.

A vision of Logan and Carlos came to him and he remembered how lonely he'd been feeling watching them fall a little more in love each day. Part of him was desperate to experience that; the other half witnessed Diamond singing about his pain and wanted no part of it.

Well, when your only prospect was a psychotic crazy bitch that was possibly inhabited by more than one personality, Kendall supposed love was better off placed on the back burner. With all of his focus on Diamond and this stupid show, it wasn't as if he had time to fall in love, anyway.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

* * *

It took a bit of cajoling on Jennifer's part, but eventually Gustavo agreed to join everyone for an after-show celebration dinner at a nearby restaurant. Though he reminded them all it was too early to celebrate any sort of victory, he picked up the tab, managing to impress even Logan.

"He doesn't seem as bad as you made him out to be."

Kendall pointed out, "Well, he's not yelling at you, is he?"

They entered the Palm Woods lobby to find it crowded with bodies, every available surface covered and all eyes on the one television mounted in a corner of the room. They'd already made plans to watch the show with Carlos in his apartment, but Logan said, "We can still watch down here, if you want. It might help you get to know people."

Spying Lucy squashed into a love seat with Diamond (who was freshly showered and looking like his normal self again in jeans and a black t-shirt), Kendall shook his head. "No thanks. Diamond's the last person I want to be around right now."

Jennifer and Katie were waiting for the elevator, Kendall and Logan trailing behind, when Kendall's name was called out by someone who sounded suspiciously like Lucy. He turned to see what she could possibly want, only to find her gaze glued to the television as she leaned in to whisper something to Diamond. The mention of Kendall's name was enough to get everyone else staring at him, though, half the room standing to make his acquaintance.

"Uh..."

"Welcome to Hollywood," Logan smirked. "I'll meet you upstairs whenever you can get there."

Suddenly Logan was gone, leaving Kendall to be polite and sociable to about twenty strangers who wanted to know him now that they'd seen him on television. Kendall was surprised to see that even the Jennifers were crowding around and eager to get pictures with him that would no doubt be posted on their social media accounts. He smiled for everyone and tried to remember names when they were given, wondering if Diamond had received the same sort of reception upon arrival. He peeked through a pair of bodies to see that Diamond was no longer in the love seat, nor was Lucy.

 _They went to the cabana._

He was sure of it. That seemed to be their secret meeting place, as it was his and Logan's. Sure enough, when he was able to get a glimpse out toward the pool area, their tent was aglow with a soft light.

Well, at least this meant he wouldn't have to deal with either of them. He considered staying down here and watching the show with everyone now that his enemy was gone, but realized what he truly wanted was to study his own performance and he didn't feel comfortable doing that in front of strangers.

As soon as he was able, Kendall extricated himself from the residents with apologies and claims of exhaustion. He escaped into the blessedly empty elevator, closing his eyes on a relieved sigh as the doors moved toward each other to shut.

The box had begun to rise when he heard movement, and before he could get his eyes open there were lips on his and a body pressing him up against the metal wall.

"Are you shitting me right now?!" he exclaimed, wondering where the hell Lucy had come from.

"Shh, just enjoy the ride."

The lips moved down to his neck and Kendall placed his hands around her upper arms to push her away, but the effort felt like more than he could manage. What he felt more than even anger was a tired resignation. "Why do you torture me like this?"

"Because it's fun."

Cool fingers slid up under his shirt, nails scratching lightly at his skin and sending him into a round of shivers that brought goosebumps to the surface. Her mouth sucked harder, Kendall gasping at the pressure that wasn't unpleasant as his body began to wake up. It would be so easy to just let her continue, to allow himself to experience what he was desperate to.

Alarm bells rang in his mind as he remembered how the last elevator ride had ended, though. "No," he growled, this time succeeding in pushing her away. "You're just setting me up again and you're gonna make it look like I'm attacking you when the doors open."

With a smirk, Lucy reached back to press a button, causing the elevator to come to a stop. "Relax, we're not even moving. Nobody's gonna see. You're so cute when you're playing hard to get."

Her mouth suctioned itself to the same spot, Kendall letting out a groan when her hand slid down his stomach. "Why are you so psychotic?" he managed, each breath a little harder to take in due to arousal.

"Sanity's boring." Squeezing the hardness between his thighs, Lucy grinned. "Ooo, look what I found."

"You're crazy. I'm gonna call Logan right now and he'll send maintenance down to get the elevator going again."

"Mmm, but think of all we could do until then."

Kendall hissed as her hand worked him through the jeans, his resistance fading fast.

"Besides, good luck getting reception in this tin can. Come on, just try to tell me that doesn't feel good."

He couldn't. He slid down to the floor, Lucy quickly taking advantage of his weakness to straddle his hips and use one hand to continue the pleasure while the fingers of her other hand searched out his zipper. Blinded by lust, Kendall didn't fight it when she kissed him again, this time kissing her back with abandon while a tiny niggling part of his brain wondered how she was here when he'd been so positive she'd escaped with Diamond into the cabana.

The passing thought of Diamond was like cold water being dumped over him. He gasped again, not in arousal but clarity. "Get off me!"

Unprepared for the strong arms that shoved her away and landed her across the small space, Lucy stared at him with wide eyes. "Why are you fighting this so hard? You want it!"

Kendall managed to stand, still breathless and resting a hand against the wall while reaching out to get the elevator moving again. "I don't know what your game is, but I'm not playing it." He pointed past her when the doors opened. "Get out."

"Oh my god, it's true. You're gay with the shyboy."

Wanting to scream, Kendall sighed, "I am _not_ gay, you're just—"

"Never mind, I get it. I had it right the first time."

"No, Lucy, it's not like—"

He was talking to thin air, though. Lucy had escaped down the hallway at a run.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he whispered, not sure if he was asking that of Lucy or of himself.

* * *

It was Carlos who opened the door of 4K to Kendall's knock and ushered him inside the smaller apartment that was sparsely decorated. Logan opened his mouth to greet Kendall from the sofa, but after one look at his face, the words died. He shook his head at Logan minutely, mouthing "Later" when Carlos had turned away, and Logan responded with a nod.

Kendall attempted normal conversation, eager to stop thinking about the chaos that had occurred in the elevator. "How much have we missed?"

"None," Logan answered. "Carlos recorded it, so we can start from the beginning."

"I haven't watched any of it, even though I was tempted!" Carlos grinned. "I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Logan in the audience. No offense, Kendall."

"None taken," he laughed, feeling himself start to relax. When Carlos offered him refreshments, he stated that a soda would be great. Logan agreed.

"Be right back!"

"What happened?" Logan hissed the moment Carlos was gone.

"I got attacked in the elevator again." After sinking into a chair, Kendall added, "Not ready to talk about it."

"Can we talk later? In our spot?"

"That would be great. I'm really confused right now."

"Okay. Just forget about it for now and enjoy this with us. Carlos is really excited to watch you perform."

"I'm a little excited about it myself."

"Really? I wouldn't expect that of you. Sounds more like something a diva who insists on a full-length mirror would say," Logan teased.

Slightly defensive, Kendall replied, "I just want to see what everyone else saw, since I can't imagine I'm that awesome to watch. But speaking of the diva, did you know he and Lucy have been meeting secretly at night?"'

Logan's eyebrows kicked up. "Seriously? Where?"

"By the pool. I've seen Diamond sneak out there twice now after you leave."

"Really." Logan mused over that. "It could be innocent, I mean we do the same thing."

"I don't think anything about Lucy is innocent. By the way," Kendall added in a louder voice as Carlos returned to the room, "Carlos, if you hear any rumors that Logan and I are a thing, please ignore them. I swear to you we're just friends."

Carlos passed each of them a can before settling in next to Logan with a frown. "Why would that be a rumor going around?"

"Because Lucy Stone is out to destroy my reputation. What I can't figure out is why."

Logan sighed. "Is she still going on about that?"

"Yeah." That was all he was willing to share at the moment. "She's convinced I'm into you."

Though he didn't understand it any more than they did, Carlos stated, "As long as I know the truth, I don't really care what she says. Logan, are you my boyfriend?"

With a suddenly-shy nod, Logan answered, "Yes."

"And are you happy being my boyfriend?"

"Without a doubt."

"Is there anyone else you'd rather be with?"

"Absolutely not."

Carlos shrugged. "There you go." He snuggled Logan up against him and said, "Just so you know, I feel the same way."

Logan's answering smile was almost disgusting in its sweetness. Kendall refrained from making a comment, not wanting to embarrass him. As it looked like their brief smacking of lips was about to turn into a lot more, though, he reached out for the remote sitting on the coffee table. "Okay, let's get this thing going. I'm exhausted."

"Sorry," Logan blushed.

"I'm not," Carlos grinned. "Give me that."

Together they watched the cheesy intro that Kendall had missed during the taping, followed by his own introduction by the host and their subsequent schmoozing. "This is horrible," Kendall moaned. "Look at me, I look like an idiot."

"No, you don't," Logan argued. "You were great."

"It's hard to watch yourself on screen," Carlos agreed. "You think everything you said and did was stupid, but I promise, dude, it's not."

Logan beamed. "See? Listen to my guy, he knows what he's talking about."

Kendall rolled his eyes, but he was smiling and that was an improvement.

After the commercial break, Diamond was introduced. Kendall watched him closely, picking up what most of the world wouldn't because they didn't know him. "He's nervous. I didn't see that earlier."

"How can you tell?" Logan asked curiously. "He looks like he's catching up with an old friend, totally relaxed."

"Look at his hand. See how he keeps fidgeting with the zipper on his jacket? Oh, damn, did you see that? He realized he was doing it and stopped. Rewind that, Carlos."

Carlos obliged, and they all saw it then. James was sharing that his goal had always been to write and record songs and that this would be a dream come true for him, causing Kendall to smirk. "That's right, asshole. It's gonna be mine."

Neither of his buddies acknowledged his comment. There was another commercial break (Kendall recalled that his mother had been busy fraternizing with the enemy during that one and it irritated him all over again), then the show moved on to Diamond's first performance.

Before that, though, James' package had been shown. Kendall watched old photos slide by on the screen, all of them from singing contests and programs James had participated in (and in most cases, won). The earliest showed James to be perhaps ten years old, confirming Kendall's assumption that he'd not become serious about singing until after Kendall moved away. The pictures and video clips were interspersed with the interview James had given earlier in the day, as well as audio taken from what were probably phone calls with his old vocal coaches. It wasn't until Carlos spoke that Kendall realized what was missing.

"Where's his family?"

"Huh?" Distracted from the television, Kendall glanced over.

"Didn't they interview your family for this?"

"Yeah. I didn't know about that until today, but Kelly said my mom and sister went down for interviews earlier this week."

"So how come they didn't do that with him?"

Kendall shrugged, leaving Logan to guess, "Maybe because his family's not out here."

"Neither is mine," Carlos pointed out, "but the federation still managed to get them interviewed over video chat or whatever."

"Who knows?" Kendall asked, eager to move on from the conversation. "Can we skip over his performance?"

"I want to see it!" Carlos protested. "Besides, I might catch some hot little thing sitting in the front row."

"Oh my god, let me go get a bucket," Kendall groaned. He held any further complaints in, though, gaze drawn to the screen despite himself. There it was again, James coming alive and losing the weakness that he seemed to carry around with him on a daily basis. His eyes were bright, his movements light and graceful, voice like an angel's.

"He even moves like Michael Jackson," Carlos noted.

Kendall couldn't deny that. It made him feel inadequate. "How in the hell can I possibly compete with that? I can barely move on the stage."

"You moved plenty," Logan countered. "You didn't dance, but you moved around here and there. Your song wasn't as dancey, anyway. It wouldn't have fit."

Kendall smiled a thank you toward Logan, grateful for the confidence boost.

James gave a slight bow at the end, face glowing underneath the make-up, then trotted off the stage.

Carlos grimaced. "Hate to admit it, but that guy was pretty good."

"Kendall was better."

"Thanks, Logan."

Next came Kendall's package, and he saw this time what Carlos was talking about; both his mother and sister had plenty to say about his past and present, while in James' case there had been nothing but the audio from his teachers. He remembered James' dad being somewhat of a waste of space, but his mother had seemed to love him very much the few times Kendall visited the house. Then again...

How often had she come to the games? Kendall recalled her attending maybe two or three of them when they'd been on the same team, and after that he couldn't have said.

"Whoa, did you see that?"

Lost in thought, Kendall returned his focus to the screen and saw himself talking about hockey. "What?"

Carlos quickly rewound to the beginning of the package, face alight with amusement. "There!"

Now paused on the screen was an image of himself and another boy hoisting a hockey trophy in the air while surrounded by the remaining members of the team. The camera had slowly zoomed in on Kendall, but not before Carlos caught enough of a glimpse of the teammate who had his arm wrapped around Kendall's shoulders. "Is that who I think it is?"

"Oh my god," Logan whispered. "I'm sorry, Kendall, but that's so cute."

The moment suddenly came back to Kendall, their last championship game as teammates before he'd moved away. His own arm was stretched around James' waist as they awkwardly held the trophy up with the hands furthest from each other. It was a moment of sheer happiness in an otherwise dark time, Kendall finding his escape in hockey as he had since the age of six. Hadn't Diamond slept over that night, too? Yes, Jennifer had taken them out for pizza to celebrate, and they'd stayed up half the night talking about...what? Most of it was a blur, except the fear and dread he'd experienced upon hearing his father arrive home late that night. They'd made sure to stay in the bedroom until morning.

"Were you guys like besties or something?" Carlos grinned.

Kendall glared at the term. "We were friends. For about two and a half years. Then I moved and we went on with our lives and became rivals. Which is what we are now, and that's all that matters."

Not ready to let it go because he found the notion so amusing, Carlos asked, "Did you two have sleepovers? Hang out at the playground together?"

"Carlos, you're about to find yourself on the floor."

"Nah, Logan won't let you hurt me. But fine, fine, I'll let it go. It really is cute, though. I bet you even had nicknames for each other."

"One more word, Carlos, and I swear—"

"Okay, okay, let's move on." Logan snatched the remote from Carlos and pressed play. Thankfully that was the only picture containing James, and the subject was dropped.

Just before Kendall took the stage, the camera panned his mother and sister, with Logan appearing in the shot briefly. Carlos flew off the sofa in excitement. "Did you see that? That's my man! Rewind that, Logan, I want to see you again."

"Carlos, just turn your head and look at me. I'm right here."

"It's not the same, babe! Go on, rewind."

Carlos wasn't satisfied until they'd played the scene back seven times. "Are you happy now?" Logan teased. "Can we move on? Some of us have to get up early in the morning, you know."

"Yeah yeah, okay. Go on. But this is never leaving my DVR."

Kendall watched himself become someone else as he sang the first song, hardly able to recognize the person on the screen. He started to see it, what everyone else saw, and wondered where it had been hiding all his life. Once the song was done, he nodded slowly. "So that's what I look like."

"Logan was right. You _are_ better. Even if you don't move around as much. There's something intense about you when you sing."

"He has that, too," Kendall hated to admit, then silently questioned his own words. He couldn't remember that thought ever consciously running through his mind.

"True," Logan agreed. "You each have something special, you're both very passionate when you're on stage. I think your passion comes from a different place than his, though."

"The desire to win, maybe?" Kendall sneered.

"Honestly?" Logan shrugged before continuing. "It's more than desire with you. It's an obsession."

Kendall bristled. "Is that wrong?"

"No, I'm not attacking you, stop getting defensive. I'm only pointing out that your need to win is what makes you so fierce up there. With him, I think it's genuine happiness and love of what he's doing."

Remembering what that felt like from his hockey days, Kendall ignored the pang of longing that filled him suddenly. "Can we at least fast-forward through the guest star?" he begged Carlos.

"Yeah, I don't care about her."

Kendall's second performance was better than the first, most likely due to a lack of nerves and the knowledge that he could do it. Carlos complimented him again when it was done, Logan in complete agreement.

"Just keep that up, buddy," Carlos suggested. "You've got this won if you do."

"That's the plan."

Kendall found himself unable to look away from James' second performance, being drawn in more easily without the distractions of Gustavo and Kelly (as well as the chaos of a television show being filmed) around him.

"He emotes really well," Logan commented toward the end. "He actually makes you believe there's someone he feels that way about."

"I had the same thought earlier," Kendall said grudgingly. "That's what I need to work on. Gustavo says I'll have to sing love songs at some point, probably next week for the 50's theme. How am I supposed to be convincing like he is if I've never been in love?"

"Fall in love," Carlos smirked. "You've got a week, right?"

Logan slapped his leg lightly. "You can't fall in love in a week, silly."

"We did."

"No, I spent a month falling for you before that."

"Okay, I admit I was doing the same."

"So then what do I do?" Kendall wondered. "I'm horrible at pretending. I was forced to do a play in sixth grade and I was so bad that they replaced me halfway through the show."

"Seriously?" Carlos snickered. "How were you bad?"

"I guess I just couldn't put myself in the character's shoes. I said everything the way I would instead of how the character would. And the part they gave me was some simpering, whiny idiot that's totally opposite of me, so it didn't work."

"I can help you with that if you want," Carlos offered. "I've taken some acting classes for wrestling. I had to learn how to be a dick, which isn't really my style."

"Oh!" Logan sat up straight, an idea occurring to him. "Camille! She's a really good actress from what I've seen and has been doing it all her life. Plus, it would give you a perfect excuse to talk to her."

Kendall considered that, warming up to it with a slow smile. "That could work. Not that I don't appreciate the offer, Carlos—"

"Dude, I get it. Go find yourself a girl to fall in love with."

Logan nodded. "One that isn't a schizophrenic crazy person bent on ruining you."

"Ugh." Not wanting to think about Lucy just then, Kendall returned his attention to the television and saw the closing credits flying past. "Okay, we're done. I really need a shower and bed."

Carlos saw him to the door, Kendall noting Logan pulling out his phone to tap at it. "You really were fantastic, Kendall," Carlos said earnestly. "He's good, too, but if you keep up what you're doing..."

"Yeah. Mom said the same thing."

Logan pocketed the phone and to Kendall's relief, his own device vibrated in his pocket. Then again, it was probably Logan telling him they'd talk another time because he wanted to spend the rest of the evening with Carlos. "Night, Logan. Thanks again for coming."

"Glad I could be there," Logan smiled from his perch on the back of the sofa. "Let me know if you need me there next week."

"I need you there all the weeks."

"No problem," Logan laughed. "Night, buddy."

"Night."

The text from Logan turned out to be a promise to meet him in the cabana within ten minutes. As tired as he was, Kendall knew he wouldn't be able to relax until he'd gotten everything off his chest regarding Lucy and was grateful to Logan for once again being his shoulder to lean on. He texted back a thank you, then warily spun around to search every direction for a sign of Lucy as he waited for the elevator.

There was no surprise attack this time, though. Perhaps she really was done with him, thinking he and Logan were together. "Whatever," Kendall mumbled. "I don't need your head games anyway."

The lobby was deserted as he crossed it, curfew long past. He quickly moved to the door leading to the staff passage and made his way through it to see light coming from one of the cabanas.

 _Lucy._

Relieved that he was hidden, Kendall reconsidered his own cabana. He had no desire to see her or to be seen, much too exhausted to go into battle with her. Unformed suspicions raced through his head, Kendall unable to understand why she was so determined to make him look bad. Could she be in on some master plan with Diamond? The idea wasn't impossible, as she clearly loved to wreak havoc.

He had to know. Kendall slipped out of his shoes for maximum silence, then crept quietly toward the cabana to stand behind it, praying his silhouette wouldn't be seen from inside. It shouldn't, right? He'd never got the hang of science and how things of that nature worked.

"Do I get to see it tonight?"

That was Lucy's voice, the hint of teasing in it unmistakable. Diamond may or may not have responded before she scolded, "Oh, come on, stop being so shy about it. Show me."

Kendall waited breathlessly, his heart racing. Lucy was too smart, any second now she was going to figure out he was here and scream or accuse him of something heinous—

"Wow. It's long. Are you smug over this? What's with the grin?"

"I managed to impress you," came Diamond's voice. "That's hard to do."

"I just didn't expect it to be that long. Come on, move your hand, let me see!"

Kendall swallowed hard, knowing exactly what he was eavesdropping on and the vision making him nauseous.

"Say something," Diamond pleaded after about ten seconds of silence. "Don't just stare at it and not tell me what you're thinking."

"Can I hold it?"

That was all he could stand, his gorge rising enough that Kendall knew he had to get away or risk being caught when he could no longer keep his stomach down. He made it safely to the passage, then paused in there to steady himself.

Now he was more confused than ever. Was Lucy playing both of them? How could she feel James up (and who knew what else) two hours after doing the same to Kendall in an elevator?

 _Maybe she's a nymphomaniac. Maybe that's why she's so aggressive with it, has to have it wherever she can get it._

Was that why everything had to be a secret with her? Because there were others she was doing this to and she didn't want them to find out she was playing all of them?

His head hurt just thinking about it. Kendall sent a text to Logan while waiting for the elevator.

 _I need to go to bed. I'm sorry, I really do need to talk about things but can we meet tomorrow instead? Just tell me when and where, I'm free until four._

Logan's reply came in ten minutes later. _I'm so sorry! We're having a hard time saying goodbye. Are you sure? I can leave now._

 _No, stay. I'm going to sleep. It's okay. Text me in the morning._

 _Okay. I'm really proud of you, Kendall._

 _Thanks._

 _By the way, Carlos asked me about the hickey on your neck. I assume it was Lucy, but I told him I didn't know where it came from._

Kendall had to read the four words three times before they made sense. Hickey on his neck?

A quick look into his bedroom mirror showed him the large, ugly purple bruise he hadn't thought to check for. As he hadn't looked at himself since the television show, he couldn't have known it was there.

 _Fuck. Why, Lucy? Why?_

Kendall sighed heavily, knowing this would kill any chance he might have of winning over Camille tomorrow. True, he hadn't even met her yet (or had he? Was she one of those he'd met in the lobby tonight?), but if he did decide to pursue her, this would keep her away.

He showered and collapsed into bed, realizing then he'd never replied to Logan.

 _Yeah, it was Lucy. I'm gonna kill her. So much to tell you, I'm just so confused by her. We'll talk tomorrow._

He couldn't stop thinking about what they were probably doing in the cabana. Jealousy swept over him, but it was ridiculous since he'd pushed away the opportunity for the same thing when it was forced on him. Knowing that Carlos and Logan were most likely having a similar experience together, Kendall began to ache for the same thing. Her hands on him had felt better than he would've expected, making him wish it had been anyone but Lucy in that elevator with him. He closed his eyes and recalled the sensations, trying hard to block out the person who'd caused them. His hand went to the bruise at his neck, remembering the feel of so much suction and how he'd wanted that suction elsewhere.

"Fuck," he breathed, a sudden vision of Lucy's head over James' lap coming to him, quickly followed by the vision of Carlos bent over Logan in the same manner. "Why can't it be me?" He didn't care who at this point, he just wanted someone to show him everything he was missing.

He put his hand to use again, head cycling through random faces he'd come across upon his move here as he imagined each of them in his bed and paying him undivided attention. Diamond's face kept returning to him and he shoved it aside each time, annoyed that he couldn't block out him or Lucy. When he came, it was Diamond's face that floated to the surface, Diamond as he'd looked on the ice—face sweaty, bangs plastered to his forehead, hair hanging below the helmet and sticking to his neck, eyes fierce like a warrior as their gazes locked in battle. He let out a long cry, his orgasm the most powerful he'd had yet, and within two minutes his labored breathing settled into exhausted sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of Big Time Rush.

Sorry guys, we aren't at the results show yet. There were other things that needed to happen first, but it'll be in the next chapter! And if I haven't said it enough, thank you so much for reading this! It means the world to me.

* * *

Kendall awoke to a text from Logan that had come in at 5:30 A.M. How did Logan do it every day?

 _"I can manage twenty minutes at eleven, if you're free. Meet me at my apartment."_

That, Kendall could do. He went back to sleep for another hour before Katie was banging on his door.

"Get up, Mom made breakfast!"

Breakfast did sound appealing. Kendall managed to roll out of bed, feeling sluggish and like he was moving in slow motion. It wasn't until his mother set down a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him that he realized he was actually famished and dug in with gusto. When a small stack of pancakes joined the party, Kendall shot her a grateful smile. "I love you."

"I know. What I really want to know is who else does."

"What?"

"Nice hickey, bro," Katie giggled.

The eggs turned to mush in his mouth. He'd completely forgotten about that. "It's...nobody."

"Nobody?" his mother echoed. "Looks like nobody thinks you're definitely somebody."

Kendall wiped his mouth, appetite fading. "I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled.

Jennifer laid a hand on his shoulder from behind. "Honey, I'm not upset. As long as you're being careful."

"It's not like that."

"Is it Logan?" Katie wanted to know.

"No! Did you hear any rumors about us?"

"Nah, I just can't imagine anyone else you'd make out with. You don't even know anybody here. Wait, it's not Kelly, is it?"

"Oh my god, no, stop. It's not worth talking about. And Logan and I are just friends. He's sickeningly in love with Carlos."

"Okay, good, because Carlos is cool and if you hurt him I'd make you sorry."

"Relax, Katie, nobody's breaking them up." Now that the talk had turned away from his hickey, he cut off a bite of pancakes with his fork. Jennifer's voice floated to them from the living room, where she was picking up her purse.

"Katie, I expect that essay to be at least a page long by the time I get back. Two hours tops. Kendall...what are your plans today?"

"Lunch with Logan, and I have to be at the studio by four. Are you guys coming to the results show tonight?"

Katie looked up at Kendall as if he was an idiot. "Of course we are. Is Logan?"

"No, he can't get off more than one night a week. But he'll probably watch from the lobby when it airs."

"We'll be there," Jennifer assured Kendall. "I have to go pick up some materials for Katie's classes, but I'll be back as soon as I can." She maneuvered around the table to kiss each of them on the cheek. "I mean it, Katie. At least a page. No leaving the apartment until I get back."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Bye, Mom."

Once they were alone, Katie perked up. "So I got intel on Lucy."

Kendall sat up straighter, all ears. "Anything good?"

"First, was it her who did that to you?"

Feeling awkward discussing that with his little sister, all Kendall said was, "She ambushed me and I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't get it."

"Neither do I," Kendall sighed.

"She's always with Diamond."

"She is?" Kendall asked sharply.

"Yeah, he gets home from rehearsal earlier than you and they're always together in the lobby or out by the pool."

"Really." So there _was_ something between them. He'd known it, but hearing the words was still a punch to the gut. "Then why is she after me?"

"That's what I don't get." With a shrug, Katie continued, "So she's from a small town on the east coast. She performed with orchestras for most of her life—"

"Hold on, hold on." Shaking his head as if to clear it, Kendall asked, "Orchestras?"

"Yup. She plays violin and her parents are really strict and think she's out here studying classical music."

"Are you...?" Kendall trailed off, letting that digest. "Her parents don't know she's so...you know. The way she is?"

"Nope. Their sweet little Lucille would never play rock music or wear leather jackets."

"But that's _all_ she wears. Constantly."

"I know," Katie nodded. "You wanted dirt on her, there you go. Use it, bro."

At the moment Kendall didn't see how he could use that to keep Lucy away from him, but it was excellent knowledge to have on tap and might come in handy some day. "Her parents still live on the east coast?"

"Yeah, she's here alone. And she's in apartment 3B, just so you know."

"Thank you," Kendall grinned. "You're a much better researcher than I give you credit for."

"I can't take all the credit. It was Camille who told me most of that. I found out the apartment number by logging into Bitters' computer when he was away from the front desk."

"How'd you know the password?"

"The man eats candy 24/7. I guessed the right brand on the third try."

"Nice. Where was Logan?"

"Probably with you and Carlos. It was last night after we got back."

"Awesome." Definitely great to have Katie on his side. "So you've met Camille?"

"Yeah, I've been talking to her for a few days now. She seems nice. A little dramatic, but not too crazy or anything. Oh, and she totally has a thing for Logan. She was pumping me for information since she knows I'm your sister and you two are friends."

"Oh, no," Kendall groaned. "I was kind of hoping she might be someone I could...well, never mind."

"She might be, if you break it to her that Logan's gay. I didn't want to tell her."

"I don't think Logan wants the world to know anyway. But he did suggest I work with her to learn how to express emotions better while singing. Guess it can't hurt to try, right?"

"Dude, James is a pro at that! Did you _see_ him?"

"I saw," Kendall glowered. "I'm supposed to sing stupid love songs next week."

"You've never even been in love, how are you supposed to do that?"

"That's what I said! Carlos said I should fall in love fast."

Katie giggled. "Carlos would say that. You have time off today, want me to introduce you to everyone?"

Kendall considered it, then sighed. "No, you have to work on your essay. I don't want Mom getting mad at me for distracting you."

"Oh, please distract me."

"Nope. Just tell me where I might find Camille."

"She's usually down at the pool reading scripts by ten."

The clock on the microwave showed Kendall that would be soon. "Perfect. Thanks, baby sis. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I'll figure out something you can do to pay me back. Want to write my essay for me?"

"Try again."

"Ugh, you suck."

With just one word, the visions from the night before returned to Kendall and his face flushed scarlet. "I gotta go get dressed."

"Can I have your last piece of bacon?"

"Go for it."

Alone in his room, Kendall pressed cool hands against his hot face. He needed to stop thinking about things like that, especially around his little sister.

 _Get it out of your system. Find yourself someone to experience it all with and then you can focus on what matters._

As he grabbed a clean shirt from the dresser, Kendall made the decision to go for it. The who didn't really matter at this point; he just needed a target.

First order of business? Meet Camille, and maybe kill two birds with one stone. No pun intended.

And just to be safe, he'd use the stairs.

* * *

Logan was a welcome sight when Kendall reached the lobby; dressed in his usual immaculate Palm Woods uniform, hair looking much happier in the newer style, he was nothing short of professional while dealing with a small line of guests.

Kendall waited until he was free to approach. "Hey. Morning."

"Good morning. Wow, that bruise is even more noticeable today."

"What bru—" The memory came back and he slapped his hand over it. "Damn. I forgot about that. I was hoping to meet with Camille and this isn't going to help my case at all. Know anyone who's experienced in stage make-up?"

"I do, actually," Logan grinned. "But considering it's the one person you're attempting to hide it from, that's not going to work."

"Damn," Kendall muttered again.

"I bet Diamond could help you out with that," Logan smirked. "Didn't his package say something about him doing theater in high school?"

"Oh, shut up, you are not making this easier. And why didn't you tell me he and Lucy are always together? You acted surprised when I mentioned them meeting up last night."

"I was, because I didn't know about the secret meetings. I don't understand why they'd do that when they could easily get away with sneaking into each others' apartments. But why are they sneaking around anyway? There's no reason for them to not date, is there?"

"There is if she's trying to play us against each other. I was thinking about that last night. What if she does this to a lot of dudes and gets off on the fact that none of us knows about each other?"

"Now that sounds like Lucy," Logan mused. "I wouldn't doubt that at all."

"Have you seen her sneaking around with anyone else?"

"No. The only person I see her with lately is him. Otherwise she's in her apartment or by herself in the lobby, waiting for...well, now that I think about it, it might be him and not you. It's only been a few days that they've been whatever they are, though."

"Trust me, they're more than friends."

"You have proof?"

"I'll tell you everything over lunch. Right now I just need to figure out how to get Camille to help me with my acting."

"Speak of the devil," Logan smiled, gaze following someone over Kendall's shoulder.

He spun to see a petite girl with hair that hung down her back in dark ringlets. She wasn't hideous, thank God, but instead rather pretty, Kendall thought. There was something innocent about her, or perhaps it was due to her current outfit of denim shorts and a crop top that reminded him of a farm. Kendall watched her scope out the lobby before turning to the front desk, a thick booklet in her hand.

"Logan," she grinned, as if it was a pleasant surprise to find him behind the desk.

"Morning, Camille. Did Buddha Bob fix your bathtub yet?"

"He did, I had a nice, long soak under millions of tiny bubbles last night. Thank you for sending him up!"

"It's my job. Have you met Kendall yet?"

"Oh, so you're Kendall. I heard about you from Lucy."

Kendall's face fell. "Lucy?"

"Yeah, we're friends. Nice to meet you!"

Kendall politely shook the hand stretched out to him. "Nice to meet you, too."

"And Katie's your sister, right?" When Kendall nodded, Camille laughed. "She's got fire. I like her."

"She definitely does," Kendall concurred. "She said you're nice."

"Eh, depends on the day."

"And what part you're auditioning for," Logan inserted, immediately drawing her attention back to himself.

"Can't argue that," Camille winked. Logan blushed on cue and looked down at his computer monitor as if something important had popped up. His ever-present need to rescue coming to the surface, Kendall set out to distract her.

"Logan said you might be able to help me learn how to emote better on stage."

Reluctantly dragging her gaze from him, Camille answered only when she was facing Kendall. "When you sing, you mean?"

"Right."

"That's not hard. You just remember how you felt in the situation you're singing about."

"What if I've never experienced what I'm singing about?"

"Pick another song."

"It's not up to me. My coach chooses the songs for me."

"Can you talk him into picking songs that are a better fit for you?"

"Well, the thing is..." Not wanting to admit his inexperience, Kendall hesitated. Logan nodded at him to continue, though, and he plowed ahead. "I have to sing about love."

"And?"

"And...I've never really been there."

Camille's lips twisted as she studied him. "You sure about that?"

"Yes, I think I would know."

"So you just make out with people you don't love?"

"Who says I—" When her gaze darted to his neck, Kendall groaned. "Look, that wasn't my fault. It kind of just...happened."

"Mm-hm." It was clear that Camille didn't believe him. "Well, what about a crush? Surely you've had that before."

Kendall bit his bottom lip.

"Are you kidding me? How old are you?"

"Forget it," Kendall sighed, embarrassed as he turned away. "Thanks anyway, Logan, but—"

"No no no, come back." Camille's free hand grabbed at his wrist to keep him from escaping. "I'm not making fun of you, I'm just surprised. I can work with you."

Kendall shook his head, suddenly tired of the contest and everything expected of him. "I'm just gonna tell him I can't do it. We'll have to find songs that aren't about love. Or maybe I'll bomb with them, and he'll realize I was right to refuse in the first place. He wants to win as badly as I do."

"But then you've already lost the votes for that week," Camille pointed out. "No. You're not giving up."

Without warning, Kendall was dragged by the wrist out to the pool area and shoved into a cabana, where he fell into one of the chairs. Camille dropped the script on the table and turned to close the curtains for privacy, then lit the candle.

"See, this is perfect. Cozy and romantic. There's a love scene in this script we can read together, hang on."

Kendall thought about protesting, but he could see that Camille was on a mission and not to be deterred. Instead he sat back and studied her, thinking she was extremely pretty in the candlelight. When she pursed her lips while paging through the script, Kendall imagined those lips elsewhere and decided they would do, should the time come.

There were two problems with Camille, however. First, she was infatuated with Logan; second, she was Lucy's friend. How much had Lucy shared with her?

"Okay, scoot closer."

Kendall's chair was pulled roughly toward Camille's until their arms were brushing.

"This one should do. Close your eyes."

"What?"

"You heard me."

Camille's voice had taken on a commanding tone not unlike Lucy's, and for a moment he was afraid he'd close his eyes and be attacked with a kiss. Then again, would that be such a bad thing? Camille wasn't Lucy. But what if they had this all planned out and he opened his eyes to find they'd silently switched so that he was kissing Lucy?

 _Kendall, you're officially paranoid. She's trying to help you, let her._

He took a deep, bracing breath and closed his eyes, waiting for her lips to find his.

"Good. Open your mouth."

One of Kendall's eyebrows rose slightly but he complied, wondering if her tongue would make its way inside.

"Now close your mouth. Keep doing that, open, close, open, close."

"Why?"

"It's an acting exercise, it loosens up your mouth before you speak."

Oh. So they were actually going to do this. Kendall berated himself for letting his imagination run away with him.

Camille took him through a set of exercises designed to relax the face muscles, and he had to admit he felt less tense when they were done.

"Now look over these two pages, this is what we're going to read. There's a kiss at the end, but we don't have to do that. Unless you've never kissed anyone before and need practice?"

Lucy's face immediately came to mind and he shoved it aside, thinking that at least he knew she hadn't told Camille of their encounters. "I have, but it wasn't a pleasant experience."

"We can change that before you go." When Kendall stared back in shock, she chuckled. "Don't freak out, it's part of the acting world. Kisses don't mean anything. If you're going to have to sing about them as being something you miss or enjoy, though, we want to make sure you know what that feels like. Make sense?"

It did, actually. Feeling better because he at least knew he'd be getting kissed today and not by a psychotic crazy person, Kendall leaned over the script and read the words quickly. "Okay."

"Did you memorize it?"

"Was I supposed to?"

"It just makes the scene run more smoothly and helps you stay in the zone if you don't have to keep stopping to look at the script. Take a few minutes to study it."

Kendall did, not really memorizing the lines but at least getting an idea of what he was supposed to say.

"You ready?" Camille smiled.

"Maybe?"

"It's okay, don't be nervous. It's just you and me here. I want you to close your eyes and imagine what your character is feeling. He's fallen madly in love with a girl he's only known a short time and he knows how crazy it is but he can't fight his feelings and needs to let her know. Think about how he's ready to burst and wants to tell the whole world that he's in love."

Closing his eyes again, Kendall imagined that. As he'd never felt anything even remotely like that, imagining was all he could do.

"Hi. What are you doing here?"

Camille's voice had gone softer and she spoke in a surprised, hushed tone. Kendall realized she was beginning the scene, which took place in the woman's office right after his character had shown up unexpectedly.

"I had to see you. We need to talk."

That much he'd been able to memorize. When he opened his eyes, Camille was frowning at him. "Oh, that was horrible."

"I know," Kendall sighed. "I have a hard time becoming someone else."

"Try again. Isn't there anyone in your life that you spent time away from and were happy to see when you met up again?"

"No, I've never..."

But that was a lie, and he fell silent as a memory came to him. It was the first time he'd seen James since moving away, at their championship game the following year. He hadn't given much thought to James after relocating, other than to worry about him a little here and there. He remembered now that the sight of James across the ice had shocked him into a smile while a warm feeling ran through him. He'd missed his friend more than he realized. He tried to catch James' eye a few times before the game, but James was busy listening to last-minute advice from the coach and barely looked around the place. Kendall also noted that he was nervous.

It wasn't until his own coach called him aside for the same sort of conversation that he got his head back where it belonged and shoved James into the compartment in his mind reserved for enemies. That lasted only until they were finally face to face, squaring off against each other as they waited for the puck to drop for the first play. James' eyes lit up, his mouth dropping open when he recognized Kendall, who grinned back before realizing he was setting himself and the team up for defeat and killed his own smile. James was his enemy now, no matter how happy he seemed to see Kendall.

James performed poorly during that game. Kendall was surprised, as they'd been almost equals on the ice during the two years they played together. Perhaps it was just that Kendall knew how he thought and was able to predict each move James made. Kendall knew all of James' weaknesses and used that to easily defeat the opposing team, of which James was most likely the strongest member when on form.

Upon leaving the rink in euphoria after winning the championship, Kendall almost walked right past James without even seeing him. He would have, had James not called out his name. James was standing on the sidewalk edging the parking lot, hockey gear put away other than the jersey he still wore and the stick in his hand. At ten years old, he'd already begun to shoot up faster than most his age.

Surrounded by half his team, Kendall was reluctant to stop. Any sign of fraternization with the enemy could be construed as weakness. "Hey," was all he said in greeting, though a small part of him was tempted to turn back and hug James, to ask how he was.

James' smile was blinding as he rushed to Kendall and hugged him tight. "How are you?"

Feeling the curious gazes of his teammates, Kendall removed the arms from around his neck and kept his reply brief. "Good."

"I know you probably have to go, but my mom will be here soon and we could all go out for..."

He trailed off because Kendall's head was already shaking. "Mom's waiting, I gotta go."

The light in James' eyes died. "Sure. Great game."

"Yeah, thanks. Maybe if you're good enough, I'll see you again next year."

Kendall turned away after that, knowing that if he didn't, he'd cave. He couldn't let that happen, not now that James was on the opposing team. He didn't chance another glance James' way until they were pulling out of the parking lot. From his window he could see James standing in the same spot wiping sweat out of his eyes. A pang of regret resounded in Kendall's chest, but he shoved it down. Diamond couldn't be his friend anymore. It was a self-made rule that he stuck by from that moment on.

"Earth to Kendall, can you hear me?"

Kendall shook himself, returning to the moment and Camille. "Sorry."

"It's okay, as long as you were remembering a time like that. You were so happy to be with someone that you couldn't hold it in."

"I could, though," Kendall replied. "I did hold it in."

"Why?"

"Because...it had to be that way. There was no choice."

"Do you at least remember the feeling? That moment when you were so happy?"

"I guess," Kendall grudgingly answered.

"Use that. Keep that feeling in your mind as we go through this."

"It's not the same. It wasn't romantic."

"I don't care. Just use the feeling."

Not sure that keeping his enemy in mind was the right way to accomplish this, Kendall tried anyway.

"Hi. What are you doing here?" Camille began.

A flash of James' bright grin across the ice ran through Kendall's mind along with the feeling of happiness he'd experienced when he smiled back. "I had to see you. We need to talk."

Camille gasped and clapped her hands together. "That was great! I mean, there's a lot of room for improvement, but it was so much better. You actually sounded excited."

"Thanks." It was half-hearted, though; he couldn't continue to use Diamond to help channel his feelings. That would be counter-productive.

"Okay, so let's run through it again. This time we'll keep going." Camille cleared her throat. "Hi. What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you. We need to talk."

"This is a bad time, my boss is due back any minute and—"

Though he was reading from the page, Kendall interrupted right on cue. "He can wait. This can't."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. Everything's right. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely function at work, but it's never been more right, and it's all because of you."

"Me?"

"Yes. I know how stupid this sounds, and I know we've only known each other a short time, but I'm crazy in love with you and I can't go on until I know you feel the same way."

Camille paused, just as her character was supposed to, then she gave a nervous laugh. "Are you serious? You came all the way down here just to tell me you love me?"

"Yes. I can't hide it anymore." Getting more into the part, Kendall stood up. "Tell me we can do this for real, tell me you want to make it official."

"I...yes. Yes!"

Right on cue, Camille stood from her own chair and flung herself into Kendall's arms, Kendall ready for it when she kissed him hard as the script called for. She tasted different from Lucy, sweeter somehow, and when her legs came up to wrap around his waist in the excitement of the moment, he was ready for that, too; he settled his hands on her bottom to hold her up and kiss her back as if he'd truly just professed love to her, enjoying the way her tongue teased his mouth open and going with it.

Brighter light washed over them suddenly, Kendall in a bit of a daze but coherent enough to realize the curtain had been shoved aside. He pulled back from the kiss to lock eyes with Diamond, who took in the scene with one sweeping gaze and mumbled an apology before dropping the curtain again.

Camille hopped down and poked her head out. "James! Did you need something?"

"Just looking for Lucy!" was called back.

"I haven't seen her!"

"Thanks!"

Kendall licked his lips, still attempting to catch his breath after the heated kiss, and settled down into his chair. So Diamond and Lucy had another secret meeting planned, did they? And this time in the middle of the day, which was weird. "So are they dating?" he asked Camille once she'd rejoined him at the table.

"Who? Lucy and James?"

"Yeah. They spend a lot of time together, right?"

"I think so, but Lucy doesn't date. She hates guys on principal. Honestly I'm starting to wonder if she's...you know."

"The other way?" Kendall couldn't imagine it, unless she was bi.

"Yeah. Mostly she just complains about her parents to me."

"I see." It was further proof of his growing theory, that Lucy liked to keep her conquests a secret.

"So...that was pretty good."

Called back to their reason for being there, Kendall wondered, "My acting or the kiss?"

"Both. If you need to practice kissing, my lips volunteer."

Kendall blushed, but he was flattered. "Allow me to say that it was a much more pleasant experience with you."

"That's nice to hear. It helped you to keep that feeling in your mind, didn't it? You were able to get deeper into the scene and the character."

"I guess." Who would've known that positive feelings toward Diamond would help in the mission to destroy him?

"Can I ask you something? I really need an honest answer."

Though his guard went up, Kendall nodded.

"Do I have a chance with Logan? He's so nice, but so shy that I can't tell if I'm getting anywhere with him at all."

Kendall cringed slightly, wondering how to let her down without saying too much. "He's..."

"Just a yes or no is enough. Should I give up on him?"

With a sad sigh, Kendall answered, "Yes. I'm sorry. It's not gonna change."

Camille's lower lip puffed out. "He's so cute. I've never met anyone like him and I don't know how to win him over. Are you sure there's no chance?"

"Positive. I'm really sorry, Camille."

She pouted again, looking as if she might cry. "Kiss me again."

"What?! Now?!"

"Yes. It'll take my mind off him for a little bit."

"Uh...are you sure?"

"Just shut up and kiss me."

The commanding tone was enough to get Kendall out of his chair and kneeling in front of hers, and once in place she dragged his face closer until their mouths met hungrily. Her hands brushed over his shoulders and up into his hair, fingers tightening in a show of possession that his body responded to. "Who gave you the hickey?" she whispered.

"Nobody."

"Was it the same horrible person who kissed you?"

"Yes," he breathed, hormones wildly all over the place.

"Want me to make it a nice memory?"

He wasn't sure what she was asking, but was turned on enough that he would've gone along with almost anything. "Please."

Her mouth moved into place over the bruise, Kendall hissing through the pain when she began to suck before it turned into waves of pleasure. "Yes," he invited, eyes closing and hands running up her legs that were bare below the tiny shorts. When she made no move to stop him, he slid his hands up over the skin of her stomach, feeling her shiver at the touch, continuing the caress until they came to rest over the fabric covering her breasts. His thumbs slid over hard nipples and she let out a soft gasp, Kendall waiting for her to push him away or ask him to stop; instead, her own hand moved into place to cup him where he was throbbing almost painfully.

This time there were no memories of Lucy to derail him, nothing but a pleasure so great he could barely form thought. Feeling Camille's fingers ghost over the zipper, Kendall reached one hand down to help and was just about to tug the tiny piece of metal down when amused laughter sounded above him. He knew it wasn't from Camille by the way she drew back from him in surprise.

"Oops, looking for someone else. Sorry, guys."

Kendall cringed when he recognized Lucy's voice, glad his back was to her.

"But don't let me stop you. Have fun, kids."

She was about to remove herself from the cabana when Camille offered, "If you're looking for James, he headed toward the lobby."

"Thanks. And Camille, if he pressures you into anything you don't want to do, let me know. He's been known to attack girls before."

Kendall was too shocked by the accusation to reply, wondering again why she was so determined to paint a bad picture of him. Camille handled it for him. "Oh, I'm not worried. He's got amazing lips."

"I'll trust you on that." Acting as if the idea of kissing Kendall was repulsive to her, Lucy made her escape.

"What is her fucking problem?" he raged quietly. "You know she's crazy, right?"

"She's a little rough, but I wouldn't say crazy."

"Then you don't know her very well."

"Kendall, that's my friend you're talking about. I think I know her just a little better than you do."

Kendall doubted that. "Fine. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry we were interrupted, but I am less sad than I was. I think this is great practice for you. I'm assuming you've never had sex?"

The way she put the question to him so bluntly had Kendall spluttering for a moment. "Uh...n-no. I haven't...I mean...what we just did was pretty much the extent of my sexual activity."

"We should have sex."

Kendall opened and closed his mouth a few times before asking, "Um...why?"

"Because you need to know these feelings in order to sing them. You have to know what it's like to miss sex and intimacy and you can't know that if you don't know what it's like to have them in the first place."

"Okay, but...isn't this a little much for an acting class? I just wanted to learn how to put myself in someone else's shoes long enough to get through a song and be convincing about it."

"Which I'm trying to help you do. I don't want to pressure you, though, so just know the door is always open. The truth is, I get lonely a lot and now that I know it's never gonna happen with Logan, I'm gonna just be laying in bed depressed and crying. Sex would help distract me."

"Right. Uh..."

"Go on, I can see you're uncomfortable. If you need me, I'm in 4E. My door is open."

She placed one quick kiss on his lips before disappearing with the script tucked under her arm and a wave of slim fingers. The curtain fell shut behind her.

"What is with these girls around here? Are they all sex-starved? Is this just how people behave in Hollywood?"

Kendall delicately lifted himself up from the cement, knee popping from being in one position for too long. It was a reminder that he would never be completely healed and that he had unfinished business to attend to.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Again, thank you so much to those reading this story. The reviews are motivating. :)

Also, I didn't give this chapter a thorough read-through like I normally do, so apologies in advance if there are typos or grammatical errors!

* * *

Logan called out to him as he was heading for the elevator. "Hey, give me about fifteen minutes. Uncle Reg should be here in a few."

Mind still foggy from the events of the past twenty-four hours, it took Kendall a second to remember that they'd made plans to meet for lunch. "Right. Your apartment?"

"Yeah, I'll text you when the coast is clear. Don't let him see you hanging around there."

Kendall nodded, skin suddenly crawling. "I'm gonna...I'll meet you there. Just text me."

"Right," Logan said slowly. "I thought we just settled that. Are you okay, buddy?"

Was he? Kendall didn't even know anymore. "I'm just dealing with so much at once and I think it's starting to overwhelm me."

Logan tossed him a sympathetic look. "We'll talk, okay? It helps to get it all off your chest."

Kendall sure hoped so, because at this point he was starting to think everyone was out to distract him from his goal. What he needed now was a quick shower.

* * *

"First, let me apologize for last night." Logan set down a pizza he'd had delivered to the lobby for their lunch. While reaching into the refrigerator, he added, "Carlos didn't want to let me go."

"It's fine, I didn't want to be down there anyway."

"But I know you needed to talk about Lucy, and I wanted to be there for you. I was a horrible friend."

"Stop it, you're a great friend. You're here with me now, right? Risking your uncle's wrath if we get caught hanging out together." Kendall took the bottle of water passed to him, giving Logan a nod. "I'm just thankful I have you in all this mess."

"You do," Logan smiled. "I'm sorry I can't be there tonight, but—"

"It's totally okay, I can handle a results show on my own. It's the performances where I need someone to hold my hand. Which makes me feel so weak. I've never needed that before."

"Well, this is new territory for you. You're out of your element."

Having had breakfast little more than an hour before, Kendall wasn't too hungry and only reached for one slice. "I guess."

"Talk to me. What's going on?"

"So much that I don't even know where to start. Camille just..."

"What? Did she help you with the emoting?"

"Uh...yeah, she definitely did that."

Logan's gaze narrowed. "Do I not have to worry about her coming on to me anymore?"

"Oh. Well...actually, no, you don't. I made it clear you're not into her and that's not going to change."

Logan's shoulders dropped. "You didn't hurt her feelings, did you?"

"I tried to be delicate. She's really sad, but I think she understands."

"You told her about Carlos?!" Logan exclaimed.

"No! Nothing like that. I just told her that it's not going to change. She asked if she should give up on you and I said yes."

"Oh. Okay, then." Satisfied with that, Logan bit off a chunk of pizza. "What happened with Lucy?"

"Besides her being a fucking nutcase?" Kendall sighed, appetite disappearing as he set down the pizza. "I guess I should start with last night."

"You mean there's more than that?"

"It's..." Kendall tried to get his thoughts in order, then launched into the story of Lucy surprising him in the elevator the night before. Logan wanted to comment throughout but waited until Kendall was finished.

"So she does think you and I are a thing."

"Well, maybe not after today. Unless she thinks I go around making out with multiple people like she does."

"Who else did you make out with? Camille?"

"I'll get to that. But yes, and Lucy witnessed it."

"Wow. Okay, one thing at a time. So Lucy ambushed you yet again, and this time you didn't push her away until...when exactly? What made you stop her?"

"Um. I think it was the thought of her and Diamond meeting up secretly. Like it reminded me that I can't trust her and made me wonder about her motives."

"But you were turned on?"

"Hard not to be when someone's hand is on my dick."

"Good point," Logan smirked.

"Sorry if that's not weird enough for your kinky research obsession."

"Kendall, stop," Logan laughed. "I'm just trying to understand what makes you tick."

"I know, and I'm telling you that a hand on my dick does it. But I'm sure that's the same for every guy."

"You'd be surprised," Logan murmured. "But you wanted it? I know you stopped her, but did you want to?"

"To stop her or keep going?"

"Either, really."

"I wanted to keep going. It just felt really good, you know? To have someone touch me like that and want me. The problem with Lucy is that I don't feel like she wants me."

"Even though she's groping you and practically giving you a handjob in the elevator?"

"Yeah. It's like there's some other motive behind it. Camille was totally different, she seemed to want me."

"Was she acting? Because she's a great actress."

"I don't...I mean, I don't think so?" Kendall thought back, remembered the way her nipples had hardened under his touch. "No, she seemed turned on. But at the same time..."

"What?"

"It's just...are all the chicks in Hollywood aggressive like that? I'm starting to think that's not my style."

"Really," Logan commented, thinking that over. "But you're turned on when you're making out with them?"

"When their hands are on me, sure. And their lips. Like when they're actually winding me up, yeah. Sitting here right now, though, thinking about having sex with either of them...honestly, no. I had to go take a shower before coming up here because I felt so disgusting."

"That's very interesting. So you want to experience these things, but when presented with an opportunity to do that, you're not into it."

"Maybe it's just them," Kendall sighed. "They're so hungry for it. Maybe I need to be the aggressor."

Logan sat back in his chair at the kitchen table, chewing slowly as he mulled that over. "Have you talked to any of the other girls at the hotel?"

"Not really. I met some of them last night when we got back, but it was all a quick hi and bye."

"And thinking of them right now, would you want to make out with them if given the chance?"

"I hardly know them, Logan."

"I'll take that as a no. It's sounding like your body is totally ready for everything, but your mind isn't on board. You have to be mentally stimulated in order to actively want someone."

"Is that bad?"

"Not at all, I'm the same way. It doesn't make you a freak. Me spending so much time overthinking why people want to have sex, _that_ makes me a freak."

Kendall smiled. "So what is it about Carlos that makes you want to have sex with him?"

Logan's eyes changed, heat coming into them. "Too many things to name. Kendall...we um. Last night."

Kendall's jaw dropped when it clicked. "What?! Already?! And you didn't tell me?!"

"It wasn't planned! I was supposed to go down and meet you but he kept kissing me and then I was on his lap and he was so hard and I couldn't just leave him like that. The truth is I only took out my phone to cancel on you, and that's when I saw you already had. So I stayed most of the night and we..."

Kendall leaned forward, licking his lips and suddenly extremely interested. "What was it like?"

"Wow. That's really the best word I can come up with to describe it. I can't stop thinking about it and I'm going to sneak out tonight after work and do it again."

"Holy shit, Logan. You just started dating."

"I know! I never thought I'd be someone to jump into this sort of thing so fast but he's..."

Logan was warming up just talking about it, and it fascinated Kendall. A part of him began to understand Logan's obsession. "He's what? What does he do that you love so much?"

"His mouth...and his hands...oh my god, even his hands are strong. And he has so much energy and can go forever and I just..." Using a paper plate to fan himself, Logan cleared his throat and seemed to return to the moment. "Sorry. I'm sure you don't want to hear all this." Taking a closer look at Kendall, he changed his mind. "Except...I think you do. Kendall, are you hard just listening to me talk about it?"

He hadn't even realized it himself, but it was true. He was. "Uh. I should probably go."

"No, Kendall, don't even think about it! We're not done here."

Having risen from the chair, Kendall sank back down onto it. "This is embarrassing. Why am I getting turned on listening to you talk about your boyfriend?"

"Because you want it for yourself. Are there any guys you're attracted to?"

"Nope. And we can't argue that girls turn me on, not after Lucy and Camille."

"Yet you have no desire to be with either of them again."

"I'm telling you, I think it's just them. Other girls would probably engage me mentally."

"Possibly. Or maybe you're gay."

"Would I be turned on by girls if that was the case?"

"You said it yourself, Kendall. Hard not to be turned on when a hand is on your dick."

Kendall couldn't argue that.

"You need a guy."

"I don't need a guy," Kendall protested.

"Yeah, you do. It's really too bad you hate Diamond so much, because he'd be the perfect person to test it out on."

"Excuse me?" Kendall exclaimed in outrage. "How is my enemy the perfect person for that?"

"He's gorgeous and he already winds you up."

"He does not wind me up."

"Please, you get off on going into battle with him. And I'm not saying this to embarrass you, I'm just pointing out that you'd probably end up having incredibly intense sex with him."

"Can we not..." The memory of James' sweaty face floating around in his mind as he came made Kendall uncomfortable. "Look, that's absolutely not true, and even if it was, he's got Lucy. So let's just drop it."

"Oh, you mentioned something about that. How do you know they're together?"

"Because I overheard them after leaving you last night. They met up in the cabana next to ours and I listened in." Realizing how creepy that made him sound, Kendall had the decency to look embarrassed about it.

"And what exactly did you hear?"

"She gave him a handjob."

"Whoa. Right there in the cabana?"

Kendall almost pointed out that Camille was about to do the same to him earlier, then decided not to. "Yeah. It was their first time doing that, but it's obvious they've done other things."

"How do you know it was the first time?"

"Based on things they said...trust me. Lucy was gonna do the same thing to me in the elevator, though, and now I'm really glad she didn't. Whatever the fuck she's trying to do, I want no part of it."

"First the elevator, then the cabana," Logan mused. "She likes the thrill of almost getting caught."

"You mean like an exhibitionist?"

"Sort of. I don't think she'd want to actually do the deed while others are watching, but she definitely likes the danger of doing it where anyone might catch her."

"I can see that," Kendall conceded. "She stopped the elevator last night but didn't seem concerned that the maintenance guy might show up."

"Exactly."

"Okay, but why me and Diamond? What's her angle there? Even Camille said she doesn't like guys, yet she's all over us. Is it because of the show?"

"You think she's trying to use you in some way? For her career, maybe?"

"Is that so impossible?"

Logan shook his head after a moment. "No, because it's a secret. If she wanted to use you guys for her career, she'd be doing all of this in public. Making sure you're seen and talked about so rumors would get started."

"Ugh," Kendall groaned. "Why is she so confusing? And why is every girl trying to get into my pants?"

"The fact that you sound annoyed by that tells me a lot. We're gonna find you a guy."

"Logan, don't—"

"And I hate to eat and run, but my uncle's already texted me twice wondering why I'm not back yet. I need to go."

"I'm sorry, you didn't even get to talk to Carlos on your lunch."

"It's okay, we don't talk much during the day anyway. He's too busy and I'm working. Tonight we'll make up for it," Logan grinned, biting his lip at the prospect of another night with Carlos. "He's so hot."

For once, it didn't make Kendall want to puke. Instead it filled him with longing to know what that felt like, such intense desire for someone. "Have fun tonight."

"Oh, I will. And hey, I'll probably see the show in the lobby, but don't keep me in suspense. Let me know when you find out if you beat him last night."

"Deal." Kendall waved as he opened the apartment door. "Thanks again for listening. I really do feel better after talking about it. I'm still just as confused, but at least I know that I don't want Lucy _or_ Camille."

"Elimination is one step closer to the answer," Logan commented. "See ya, buddy."

"Later."

* * *

Thanks to the chaos brought on by two overly aggressive females, Kendall's mind was spinning for most of the day. Perhaps that was the reason he suffered no nervousness upon arriving at the television studio. Though he went into the results show more relaxed by far, Gustavo seemed to be having the opposite reaction; his stress level was over the top, causing him to lash out at both Kendall and Kelly (and the crew members who were unfortunate enough to cross his path) for no reason at all. Kelly bore it with grace, but after repeatedly being yelled at for an hour, Kendall had had enough.

He was following Gustavo down the hall leading to his dressing room when he finally snapped. "Will you stop being such an asshole? I swear, if you talk to me like that again, I'm w—"

"Walking, right, heard it a million times. Why not try saying something worthwhile for a change?"

When Gustavo turned into the room, Kendall was tempted to actually make good on his promise. He stopped in place, wondering why he was here and what he'd been thinking in actually wanting to do this. Surely nothing was worth everything he'd been through over the past twenty-four hours?

A head of perfectly-styled dark hair poked out of the room nearest him, and the moment he locked eyes with Diamond, he remembered exactly why he was here. Diamond's glare was followed by a snotty, "Can you maybe keep it down? People are trying to have a conversation in here."

At his limit with patience, Kendall threw the attitude right back at him. "How about I keep it down your throat, dickface?" He raised a fist, surprised (and if honest with himself, a little proud) that James didn't back down or even flinch. "Mind your own fucking business."

"Then keep your business in your room where it belongs. Nobody needs to listen to your shit."

"Oh, you want to talk about shit?" Kendall threatened, moving closer but not getting too far because Kelly rounded the corner and took in the situation with a quick glance between them.

"No no no!" she yelled in a panicked voice, rushing forward to drag Kendall away and down the hall. "That's the quickest way to get kicked off the show."

Not done yet, Kendall called out, "Let's talk about your new hair! What the fuck is that, some kind of—"

His insult was cut off by the slamming of the door behind him before Kelly whirled to face him. "What is the matter with you? Don't you know they'll throw you out of here for fighting?"

"They can't, I signed a contract."

"And that contract states they can sever it for misconduct, which is exactly what fighting falls under. Why can't you just win this for the sake of your future in the music industry? Why does it have to be about hate and vengeance with you?"

Gustavo rolled his eyes behind Kelly's back. "Because hate and vengeance win wars, Kelly, and that's exactly where we are. At war. Quit trying to kill his fire."

"I'm just trying to keep him in the contest! He was about to throw down with Diamond!"

Heaving a heavy sigh, Gustavo ran a hand down his face. "No violence until you win, okay? I don't care what you do to him after that, but for now you have to keep your hands to yourself."

"That's not a problem, I have no desire to touch him," Kendall spat.

"Not even with your fists?" Kelly asked sarcastically.

Kendall sank down onto the sofa, the fight going out of him. "I don't know. I'm about to blow and Gustavo yelling at me every five minutes doesn't help."

"See?" Kelly stared down at Gustavo, who was at the opposite end of Kendall's sofa. "I told you, you're pushing him too hard. Both of you need to chill out before you ruin this. You won't have to worry about losing the competition because at this rate, one or both of you will be tossed out on your ears by next week."

"Fine," Gustavo glowered.

"Whatever," Kendall muttered.

"Now I'm going to leave you two alone long enough to go get Katie and Jennifer from the front desk and I command you not to kill each other." She opened the door and looked back over her shoulder to add, " _Or_ anyone else."

She was gone five seconds before Gustavo put on a falsetto voice to echo, "I command you not to kill each other."

Kendall immediately added in his own mocking words. " _Or_ anyone else."

Just like that they were laughing together, the tension draining slowly the longer they did.

"She's so annoying," Gustavo complained.

"Right? It's like having my mom with me every second," Kendall agreed. "But...she's also pretty great. We'd be lost without her."

"And many people would be dead by my hands."

Kendall snickered.

"Why aren't you freaking out?" Gustavo asked suddenly. "You should be just as nervous as me, if not more. Instead you're walking around like you don't even care if you won last night. Do you?"

"Of course I do. I just...there's so much shit going on right now that I can barely focus."

"What kind of shit?"

"Just stuff back at the hotel. Personal stuff. It's making me crazy."

Gustavo's gaze narrowed, all traces of amusement gone. "You need to make sure your focus stays right here on this show and on your performance. You can't allow yourself to stray from that, no matter what else might be going on in your life. Don't let them get in your head."

Lucy had certainly gotten into his head. As of today, so had Camille. He wondered suddenly if they were discussing him right now, if Lucy had pumped her for the juicy details of their encounter—if Lucy had, in fact, put Camille up to it.

No, that was absurd. Sure, they were friends, but it had been Kendall who asked for the help; Camille hadn't offered. She hadn't even known Kendall until they were introduced today.

Unless...

Had she been sent in to keep Kendall distracted while Lucy met up with Diamond? He could easily see Lucy arranging something like that, and Camille being the "great actress" Logan claimed her to be, it wouldn't have been hard to fool him and keep him occupied.

"Kendall? I'm serious."

"Yeah, I know." His head was spinning again, wondering what role Diamond played in all of this. Was he using them to throw Kendall's focus off? Did he know what had gone on between them?

"Then stop it. Stop it right now or I will take you out of that hotel and put you up elsewhere with my own money."

The thought of leaving the Palm Woods sent panic through Kendall. "No! No, I'll be okay, I promise."

"Then get out of your head. Whatever else is going on in your life, forget about it. At least until we get out of here tonight. I need you right here."

Knowing Gustavo was right, Kendall forcefully pushed thoughts of Lucy and Camille away. "Sorry. I'll work on it."

"No, you'll _do_ it. Go for a walk. Get something to drink. Clear your head."

"Fine."

Kendall had no idea where he could go to do that, but he left the dressing room and started down the hall. By the time he reached the stage area, his phone was out and he was dialing the one person who could make him feel sane.

"Thank you for calling The Palm Woods, Home of the Future Famous. This is Logan, how may I be of assistance today?"

"You can keep me from losing my mind."

After a pause, Logan asked softly, "Where are you?"

"At the studio. I know you're busy but I need two minutes."

"Yes, sir, I can look into that for you. I'll go check on it right now and give you a call back in a few minutes, if that suffices."

"Suffices? What are you, a walking dictionary?"

"Perfect. I'll be in touch. Thank you, Mr. Hamden."

The line went dead, Kendall groaning. Did that mean Logan was going to call him back? How long was he supposed to wait?

Not sure what else to do, Kendall took a seat in the front row and watched the crew preparing the stage for the live show that was due to begin in thirty minutes. He remembered his family and Logan sitting in these seats the night before and how he'd seen them briefly when starting his first performance, then not at all after that because he'd blocked everyone out. He'd managed to lose himself in the song, not fully realizing where he was until applause broke out. It had been a rather euphoric feeling.

His phone buzzed in his hand, Kendall answering it in relief. "Hey."

"You okay? Sorry, my uncle was right there and I had to—"

"It's fine. Where are you now?"

"The laundry room. I'm pretending a resident needed me to check and see if he dropped his wallet in there."

"Smart."

"What's wrong?"

There was no simple answer to that. "Everything?" he tried weakly.

"Are you just nervous?"

"No, I'm actually not. The truth is I couldn't care less about winning right now. That's how I know I'm majorly messed up."

"You're probably burned out, and who could blame you? It's a lot of pressure."

"It wouldn't be so bad if Gustavo wasn't taking his own stress out on me. He keeps yelling at me and I blew up at Diamond."

"James? You're mad at Gustavo so you took it out on James?"

"He started it," Kendall said defensively. "Talked to me like I'm worth less than gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I'm not just gonna take that lying down."

"Well, to be fair, you talk to him the same way."

"Yeah, but it's his fault that—wait, how do you know that? You've never been around both of us at the same time."

"I'm assuming that's the case since you hate him so much."

"Oh."

"Am I wrong?"

"No," Kendall admitted sullenly.

"Quit trying to make me the enemy, you're starting to sound paranoid."

Knowing Logan was right, Kendall sighed. "I'm sorry. Lucy and Camille have me fucked up."

"Stop thinking about them. You need to focus on the show right now."

"That's what Gustavo said."

"He's right. Think of James instead."

Kendall's eyebrows rose. "That's supposed to help me?"

"It brings your focus back to what matters. Forget Camille, forget Lucy, forget everything but the reason you're there right now. You're going to win this thing so you get a record deal and stay out here with me because I can't do California without you."

Kendall swallowed hard, a lump forming in his throat. "Yeah? You want me to stay out here?"

"Of course. You've already managed to get me a social life and a boyfriend, and it's not even been a week. I need you."

Kendall's gaze was caught by a tall figure rounding a corner of the stage, his eyes taking in more than just the hair this time. James was wearing a deep purple blazer that looked as if it was made of velvet over a black t-shirt. Paired with black jeans and those same heavy boots, he painted a picture of sleek fashion and moved with the grace that had been such an asset to him on the ice. It wasn't until their eyes met that Kendall realized he was staring, James' own widening in surprise before he spun around and walked back the way he'd come.

"Kendall? Are you crying?"

"What? No! No, sorry, I was distracted by...something. But it means a lot to me that you want me to stay. You just gave me one more reason to win."

"And mine's a much healthier reason than getting revenge. So think about that when you feel like running away. Think about how great you felt on stage last night. Think about that unknown person who's waiting for you to fall in love so we can double date."

That brought a chuckle out of Kendall. "Do you really think she's out here somewhere?"

"I think _he_ is, yes."

"Dude, I told you, I'm not gay."

"Carlos sucked me off in the janitor's closet earlier today."

Kendall gasped, the vision filling his head so vividly that heat coursed through him in a rush. "What the fuck, Logan?" he breathed. "Why would you tell me that right now?"

"Are you hard?"

"Are you kidding me? I don't think this is the time to—"

"Answer the question."

After sighing in defeat, Kendall admitted, "Yes."

"That's how I know you're gay. Either that or you're in love with one of us and wish it was you."

"I do wish it was me, but not..." He trailed off when he realized what he'd said. "Look, I'd react the same if it was you and a chick. Or Carlos and a chick."

"You sure about that?"

Spying his mother heading toward him, Kendall gladly changed the subject. "I gotta go, my mom just showed up. Thanks for talking me through this."

"Anytime. I wish I could be there in person."

"Me, too."

"Text me when you know."

"I will. Thanks, Logan."

Kendall rose from the seat for his mother's hug. "Honey, are you okay? Kelly said you're having a rough time tonight."

"It's just starting to get to me, I'm good now. Where'sKatie?"

"She stopped to talk to someone." Jennifer stepped back and studied Kendall intently. "You look tired."

"Which is my cue to get into hair and make-up. Gustavo wanted me to wear something nicer but I just want to be myself tonight. Is that wrong?"

"I don't think so, honey. There is nothing more you than jeans and a flannel shirt. Except maybe a hockey jersey," she smiled. "Besides, yellow is a good color on you. Wear what you want."

"Thanks." Feeling more like himself, Kendall hugged her again. "I'll see you guys after the show."

"Kendall?" she called out as he turned away.

"Yeah?"

"You're gonna win this. And if you don't? There's another direction for you."

Affection and gratitude for his mother stole over him. "I know. Thanks, Mom."

"I love you."

"Love you, too."

This time when he turned away, he kept going and glanced ahead to see Diamond watching from the corner of the stage he'd come around before. Realizing he'd been caught, Diamond pretended to be looking for someone or something behind Kendall.

"Spying on me now?" Kendall accused as he walked by.

"Oh, you wish. I'm waiting for someone."

Kendall slowed a tad. "Nice try. At least come up with a better lie next time."

"Like you're worth spying on?" James sneered. "Please, I've got better things to do with my time."

"Might want to head back to make-up, I don't think they put enough lip gloss on you. You're only halfway to the clown look."

"Fuck you, Knight."

Kendall smirked as he continued on, knowing he'd hit a sore spot. It felt good to know he could still get to Diamond.

* * *

The results show was interspersed with flashbacks from the previous night, tossing those in between a guest performer and what amounted to a brief interview with the host for each of them. James was called out first, Kendall wanting to hear what he had to say and so positioning himself next to Gustavo near the backstage screen. The scenes kept cutting away from James for playback of his performances from the night before, though, and it wasn't enough to tell him what Diamond's true mental state was.

He made his way to the side of the stage, where he could watch without interruption. There it was, James giving off every sign that he was relaxed and hopeful except for the one thing Kendall picked up on that the camera didn't—James' fingers were tapping against his hip. That was a throwback to their childhood, Kendall smiling in spite of himself before being dragged from his reverie by a voice to his left.

"Your sister's pretty cool."

Kendall jumped with a slight screech at the sight of familiar two-toned hair, Lucy being the last person he needed to deal with right now. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Giving Kendall a look that said she was clearly talking to a crazy person, she answered, "I'm here for James. Is that not okay?"

"No, you're not. You're here to mess with my head. I'm not letting you do this tonight, you're not—"

"Kendall, relax," Lucy chuckled. "I'm here for James," she repeated slowly. "Just like Logan comes down to support you. Or is it Camille tonight?"

"No one's here." It hadn't occurred to Kendall that anyone knew of Logan's presence the night before, but he realized now how impossible it would be to keep it a secret when Logan had been panned on national television. He hoped it didn't cause problems for his friend. "Look, I know you get off on playing head games with me, but—"

"That's over."

"What?"

In her trademark leather jacket and black ripped jeans, Lucy crossed her arms over chest and turned to him. "Sorry about all that. We're good."

The most confusing thing was that she actually sounded sincere to Kendall. "So you're not gonna attack me in elevators anymore?"

"Nah." Her focus shifted back to James, who was listening to something the host was saying.

"Why? What changed?"

Lucy shrugged. "Things. Now shh, I want to hear what he's saying."

Still not convinced that the new, less-crazy side of Lucy was genuine, Kendall lent half an ear to the stage while staying alert for any sign of ambush from his left.

"Each song is chosen for a reason," James was saying. "It said what I wanted to say, so I guess it has personal meaning."

"And the first one? The Michael Jackson song?" the host questioned.

"Again, personal meaning," James laughed easily. "That one has sentimental value from my childhood, and it's a song I've always loved to dance to. I thought it was the perfect one to lead off the competition with."

Kendall recalled James stating that his mother played it all the time and wondered again where she was in all of this. It probably upset James that she couldn't be bothered to show up for something that meant so much to him. Personal meaning, indeed.

"Wait a second," he murmured when the significance of James' words hit him. "He got to choose his songs?"

Lucy spared him a quick glance. "Didn't you?"

"No! No, Gustavo told me he picks the songs. What the fuck? That's not fair!"

"Sounds like Gustavo's an ass."

Without bothering to reply, Kendall stalked off in search of his coach and found him watching the monitor backstage. "Why does Diamond get to pick his songs but I don't?"

Gustavo barely acknowledged his presence except to grunt, "Later."

"No! Right now. He's going to ask me why I chose the songs I did, and I have no answer because _you_ picked them and what the hell am I supposed to say?"

"Say that you liked them and they were a good fit for your vocal range."

"But I hate them!"

"Lie."

"I don't lie. We've been through this."

Gustavo finally deigned him worthy of facing as he spoke. "Then just say the second part. And learn how to lie better for the future."

Kendall shook his head. "Unbelievable. You totally set me up to fail out there."

"What are you talking about?"

"How stupid would I have looked when asked that question? 'Uh...my coach made me do it.' How the hell am I supposed to win this if I go out there looking stupid?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" Kendall echoed. "Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I'm here to win!"

"Then say what you have to in order to do that. Oh, I know! Say that the first song reminded you of a good memory from before the injury that you'll never have again. Play the sympathy card."

Kendall blinked at Gustavo a few times in disbelief. "You're a horrible person."

"But I always win."

Unable to continue looking at a man who would manipulate so many just for his own personal victory, Kendall turned on his heel and walked toward the dressing rooms.

"Don't be gone too long, you're up in a few minutes!" Gustavo called after him.

Kendall replied with his finger rather than words.

* * *

Knowing what to expect now, Kendall made it through the live interview with grace and a sense of humor, having figured out what to say in the short time before it was his turn. While he didn't mention the injury, he did tell the truth when stating that the second song he performed was one of his sister's favorites, making it sound as if that was why it had been chosen.

Gustavo gave him the thumbs up when he reappeared backstage.

"I'm choosing my songs for next week," Kendall demanded. "I don't even care that they're from the 50's, I'll find something that—"

"Yeah, that's out the window."

That caught Kendall off guard. "What?"

"The producers decided against a 50's week."

"And you're just telling me this now?"

"We just found out," Kelly interrupted, having joined Gustavo to witness Kendall's piece. "That's show biz, you gotta just roll with it."

"Okay, so...that's good, right? Because I don't know any 50's music. What's the theme now?"

Gustavo's lips twisted into a smirk, knowing Kendall would hate the answer. "Love."

"Oh, god." Kendall's stomach dropped. "Please tell me you're joking, I can't go out there and sing a love song this soon."

"You're going to."

Kendall sighed, knowing this was James' forte and he'd have to work extra hard to beat him on that. "Can I at least pick my songs?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you already told me you don't do love songs, so you need to leave it to me."

"I just...please, Gustavo. I have to feel what I'm singing, right? Isn't that what you said I need to do in order to sell it? I've been working with an acting coach and she's teaching me how to emote." That might have been a tiny stretch, but it was close to the truth.

"You've been what?" Gustavo responded sharply. "You're working with another coach?"

"Just on the acting! She's helping me get my head where it needs to be to sing about love."

Gustavo's gaze narrowed, his mind working behind the beady eyes. "You have until tomorrow morning to find a song. Sing it for me and if you can sell it, or at least show me that you can pretend to, we'll use it. If not, I pick."

"Fine." Kendall had no idea how he was supposed to find a love song he could identify with by morning, but it was better than a flat-out denial. "I will."

"I mean it," Gustavo warned. "If you don't convince me, I pick all future songs."

"Understood."

Kelly waited until she was sure they were done before informing Kendall, "You've got about eight minutes until you have to be back on stage for the announcement."

Kendall took that as a cue to escape. "I need some lemonade."

"Just don't pick any fights. Please, Kendall."

Annoyed with her as well, he disappeared.

* * *

The show had them paired up center stage for the reveal, James to Kendall's right under a sweltering spotlight. He hated the theatrics of it all. As the host revved up the audience in anticipation, Kendall tried not to let it bother him that he might not win this.

He might've succeeded if Diamond hadn't nonchalantly leaned his head to the left and murmured so quietly that his mic wouldn't pick it up, "You don't belong here."

The fire was back, white hot and burning so fiercely that it took everything in Kendall not to snap back a rude retort. James had done it on purpose to rile him up, probably hoping Kendall would punch him and get thrown out of the competition. His fingers itched to do just that, flexing without his command so that they brushed against James' and causing James to jerk as if slapped.

 _Oh, is it that easy to throw you off your game? I'll have to remember that._

Instead of being worried now, Kendall was smug. He _had_ performed better than James and everyone knew it—especially Diamond, who was so tense next to him that Kendall could practically feel the nerves radiating across the almost non-existent space between them. His gaze fell on his mother in the audience, grateful for the reassuring smile she offered him even though she looked more nervous than he probably did. Katie tipped him a wave and a thumbs up, and there was a moment when Kendall wished Logan could be here before he was distracted by a drumroll.

This was it.

James' hand clutched at his for a mere second before it backed off, Kendall almost too wound up with anticipation himself to notice it. He did, though, and remembered suddenly how James used to do that when he was scared. Kendall had always made him feel safe. He turned his head in surprise, intending to silently question James, but James was staring straight ahead with a red face and then Kendall's name was being announced from what felt like miles away. He watched James let out a breath, his shoulders dropping, and realized he'd been declared the winner of the first round to the sound of near-deafening applause and cheers.

"Kendall, congratulations!" the host beamed. James was whisked away by some random stagehand, leaving Kendall to stand alone and face what felt like too much attention from every direction. He numbly answered the host, barely aware of what he was saying and relieved when given the signal that they were no longer live.

"Really, though, Kendall, congratulations. I can't wait to see what you do next week."

He thanked the host and turned toward the side of the stage, where Lucy was standing with James as they talked quietly. Her hand was on his shoulder as if consoling him while she continued to speak in what looked like a lecture while James nodded mutely, eyes sad. Where was Hawk? Why wasn't he or his assistant over there boosting James up with some sort of "We'll get him next week" speech?

And where the hell were his parents?

"Kendall!" Now his mother was running out onto the stage in excitement to hug him tight in that bouncy way. "I'm so proud of you, I knew you could do it! Didn't I tell you you had this in you? Didn't I _tell_ you?"

"Yes, Mom, you told me," Kendall chuckled, hugging her in return and opening an arm to pull Katie in. "Thanks for being here, guys."

"Where else would we be?" Katie asked. "Dude, James looks really bummed."

"Of course he does, he lost. This _is_ his dream, remember?" Spotting a glowing Gustavo coming his way, followed by Kelly looking equally happy, Kendall pulled away from his family.

Gustavo was his usual pleasant self. "You get two minutes to gloat and then you're heading straight back to the hotel because we have an early day tomorrow. Got it?"

"Don't I even get a congratulations from you?"

"When you win the whole thing, yes. For now, it's only one of five episodes and we have to work harder than before to keep the edge. Oh, by the way, there's gonna be a camera crew filming us in the studio from now on."

"A what?" Kendall whined. "Why?"

"The show always does that," Kelly explained patiently. "How else would they get footage from rehearsals to show during each episode?"

"Ugh, I just want to sing."

"And you will," Gustavo promised. "More than you can imagine. Don't stay up all night trying to find a song, either. I need you rested and ready to go tomorrow."

Kendall ignored that. "Can we just go home?" he asked his mother. He wanted to be away from this place and all the chaos that went along with it.

"Yes, we'll pick up some food on the way home. Come on, Katie."

"I want to say bye to Lucy!"

Rolling his eyes, Kendall reminded her, "You'll see her at the hotel."

"No I won't, she'll be somewhere with James. I'll be right back!"

Well, there was no question now that Lucy and James were an item. Perhaps that was why she was backing off him. She'd chosen one of them and was probably only now realizing she'd picked the loser. "Good luck with that," Kendall smirked to himself. His mother was busy talking to Kelly and Gustavo had disappeared, leaving him to keep an eye on Katie. She'd joined James and Lucy, who seemed to be greeting her with a sincere smile while James stepped back as if not invited. After a moment, Katie said something to James that surprised him, to which he responded with a smile and what looked like a thank you.

Kendall waited for her to return to ask, "Really? You just complimented my enemy?"

"Hey, he sounded good last night! Nothing wrong with telling him that! Besides," Katie said in a lower voice, "he's so down. I feel kind of bad."

"Oh, no. Don't you dare go getting soft on me. You're the one who always tells me to crush him!"

"Yeah, but we never had to see the aftermath before! I never saw him get this sad over hockey."

"That's because hockey wasn't his dream. It was mine. Don't forget that, Katie."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go, I want to see if Mom will let me watch the show in the lobby with everyone. You gonna join us?"

"I'll see what Logan's doing. We might just watch it with Carlos."

"Suit yourself. But if you want to meet girls, that's the best way to do it."

Kendall followed as she crossed the stage to join their mother, glad he wasn't even tempted; he was pretty sure now that he _didn't_ want to meet girls.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Shorter chapter this time, but it's an important milestone in Kendall's life.

As always, thank you so much for reading this (and reviewing, if you do that!). It means so much to share my words with you.

* * *

The show wouldn't be airing until nine, Logan stuck at the front desk until ten. Kendall stopped there long enough for Logan to congratulate him in person, having already received a text about the results. They made plans to meet up at Carlos' apartment shortly after ten, leaving Kendall two hours to find a song he could sing for the following week.

Katie allowed him the use of her new laptop (which had been purchased for school but saw more action with games than any actual research), and Kendall spent most of the time in his room trying to figure out what song he could sing about love that would actually be convincing. The problem was still that he couldn't emote these feelings because he had no frame of reference. Sure, he could at least try to remember the feelings caused by a crush or infatuation—except that he'd never experienced either. The only feelings of love and affection he'd experienced throughout his life had been for family (or friends, he supposed, thinking of both Logan and James; neither was what he needed to draw on now). At 9:45 he gave up in frustration, nothing feeling right, and got a shower out of the way before checking in with his mother and sneaking up to Carlos' apartment after curfew.

Carlos greeted him with a hug, then frowned as he stepped back. "Uh oh. You don't look happy, so you must have lost. Logan wouldn't tell me when I asked, said he wanted it to be a surprise when we watched."

"Oh. Well...I won't ruin the surprise then."

"I think you just did," Carlos laughed. "He'll be up in a few minutes, want something to drink?"

"I'm good, thanks. I'm down because I really want to be able to pick my own songs but I can't find anything that makes me feel it when I sing. Diamond gets to choose what he sings and I think it's only fair that I do, too."

"Totally," Carlos agreed, pointing Kendall to a chair in front of the television. "I made popcorn if you want some. So it was Gustavo who picked the songs you did last night?"

"Yeah. He said he's willing to let me do it if I can be convincing when I sing. It was easy last night, I was singing about life in general. Love is my downfall."

"I'm telling you, dude, you need to fall in love pronto! Isn't there anyone at all you're interested in around here?"

"There might be if I had time to meet people."

"Yeah, that sucks. You're so busy all the time. I'm the same way, I wouldn't have met Logan if he didn't work here. I'm so lucky," he smiled, sporting a lovesick grin that Kendall was both repulsed by and envious of.

"You are. I don't even know where to start."

Carlos brought out a bowl and three cans of root beer, setting everything on the table before jumping up again. "I almost forgot, Logan insists on coasters. He brought me some with my dinner, isn't he cute?"

Kendall rolled his eyes, amused. "Sounds like Logan. You two _together_ are cute. I'm so jealous," he admitted.

"Nah, don't be." Carlos returned with a set of four coasters, laying three under the cans and the extra off to the side. "She's waiting for you, Kendall. Probably sooner than you think."

"Logan thinks it's a he," Kendall admitted. "That I'm more into guys."

"Yeah, he said that last night. How do you feel about it?"

"I don't even know. He says that I get turned on by two guys together, but how do we know that's not the case if it was two girls? Or even a guy and a girl?"

"You've only been with girls so far, right?"

"Yeah."

"You know how I knew? Because kissing Logan got me hotter than any of the girls I've ever been with. I mean, even hotter than actual sex with girls. And they were beautiful! The thought of kissing Logan would make me hard enough that I had to uh...you know. Then when it finally happened, I thought I might come from that alone. It was like being hit with powerful waves that kept crashing into me over and over. All that from a kiss!"

"And you never felt that with a girl?" Kendall clarified.

"Not like that. Sure, I was turned on. I liked it. But I could still think. With Logan I can't think, it's like his hands and lips are magic. I feel like I'll die if I can't have it. You need to find that."

Kendall was quiet for a moment, letting that sink in and remembering his encounters with both Lucy and Camille. Yes, he'd been turned on when they were touching him. There had been waves of lust. Yet he'd also not been so carried away that he had to have it or die. In Lucy's case, he'd been coherent enough to shove her away. "That's what I want," he nodded. "I'm just...I'm ready for love."

Carlos smiled in a way that held a bit of pity. "You'll find it. Hey, that reminds me of a song!"

"You'll find it?"

"No, what you said. Hang on, let me think of it. I hear it at the gym a lot." He hummed a few notes, then opened his mouth to sing them softly in a voice that was more pleasing than Kendall would have expected. "I'm ready for looooooove."

The front door opened behind them, causing both to turn and watch Logan enter. "Sorry, nobody wanted to leave the lobby tonight. They were too busy talking about you, Kendall."

He ignored that. "You have your own key now?"

Logan blushed while pocketing the card. "I made one for myself. Carlos said it was fine."

"It's totally fine, babe," Carlos grinned, rising to pull Logan into an embrace and kissing him thoroughly while still managing to keep it short out of respect for Kendall. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too. Dinner went by too fast."

"It always does. Hey, look! I'm using the coasters!"

Logan followed the direction of his pointing finger and laughed while removing the blazer and hanging it on a hook by the door. "I'm proud of you. You made popcorn, too?"

"I knew you'd be hungry." Taking Logan's hand, Carlos led him to the sofa and waited until they were seated to pass him a can.

"Thanks, Carlos." That earned him a kiss on the cheek before Logan turned to Kendall. "Hey."

"Hey, Romeo."

"Stop, you're just jealous."

"I so am," Kendall sighed.

Carlos commented, "We were just talking about that. He's ready for love."

"I know he is. He just needs to open himself up to the idea that what he really wants is a man."

"I did," Kendall nodded, suddenly shy. "I've accepted it. I mean, I will once I actually kiss a guy and test the theory, but...yeah. I think you're right."

"Finally! So now we just need to find you a guy."

"Right now what he needs to find most is a song," Carlos disagreed.

"No luck on that?" Logan asked.

"Nothing. I spent two hours listening to different things and it's all stuff I can't relate to. Carlos, what about that song you mentioned?"

"It's by a chick. I don't know who, though."

"I'm desperate, I don't care who sings it at this point. Do you at least know the title?"

"Nope."

Kendall groaned.

"Lyrics?" Logan prompted, pulling out his phone. "Even one line should do."

"I'm ready for love," Carlos shared.

Logan tapped at his phone, playing snippets of two different songs with that title that were performed by females. Neither was the one. "Do you know any other lyrics at all?"

"Uh...hang on." Carlos closed his eyes and hummed in an attempt to recall words, causing Logan to grin at Kendall and mouth, "He's so cute."

Kendall couldn't help but laugh.

Suddenly Carlos burst out with "'I'm ready, come and find me!' Then a bunch of words I don't know, but I remember that part!"

Logan tried again, this time successful. He read off a few lines, Carlos nodding in excitement. "That's it! Kendall, read the words."

The song started out with "I'm in a new place with the same face, and nothing is familiar to me." They rang true for Kendall, who could relate to that. He continued to read, excitement growing in him with each line. "Yes! Yes, this is exactly right, this is exactly what I'm feeling! Carlos, you're a genius!"

Logan skimmed the lyrics quickly. "You can just change the 'woman' to 'man' and it's perfect. Nice job, babe."

"Thank you." Carlos did a silly half-bow from the sofa, proud of himself.

Now anxious to actually listen to the song, Kendall was tempted to leave them right away. "I need to practice this. Shit, I have nowhere to go that I can sing it and not be overheard."

"I'll get you a key for an empty room," Logan offered. "There are four in a row on the top floor, so no one will be around to complain."

"You're amazing."

"Sometimes," Logan smiled. He opened a new app and pulled the video up so Kendall could watch it. "Here, I need to borrow Carlos for a few minutes anyway. Listen to the song."

"You do?" Carlos responded, eyes wide. "You can't even wait until he leaves?"

"Mind out of the gutter, Carlos." Logan stood up and pulled Carlos with him, squeezing Kendall's shoulder. "We'll be right back. Come with me to get a key for Kendall."

"What if we're seen?"

"Then I guess the whole world knows I'm dating you, don't they?"

Carlos looked both shocked and pleased at the words, waving to Kendall in excitement as they left the apartment.

Kendall used the time alone to play the song, praying it wouldn't be some sappy ballad that would make him want to puke. He was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a pop song with a hint of a rock vibe, and once it reached the chorus it was vaguely familiar. Probably a song he'd heard on the radio occasionally and dismissed, as he tended to do with most music. The lyrics, however, hit home as they washed over Kendall.

 _I'm in a new place with the same face  
And nothing is familiar to me  
But there's a strong rush  
And the wind stirs  
And its bringing out the woman in me_

 _I know that you're out there somewhere  
Waiting on a deeper connection  
Now I'm looking to my left  
Searching on my right  
Cause we could be the greatest adventure_

 _I'm ready come and find me  
I'm not gonna hide  
Got the sun on my side  
It's heavy 'cause I'm finally  
Open to the one and I'm ready ready_

 _I feel you out there  
So baby be aware  
Cause now it's just a matter of time  
Before our crash course and the sky falls  
The very moment that I tell you you're mine_

 _I know that you're out there somewhere  
Moving in another direction  
So just hurry up and come  
As fast as you can run_  
 _Cause I've been waiting far too long_

 _Oh, I know you gotta be close  
Because I breathe you in and out  
Wherever I go_

 _I'm ready come and find me  
I'm not gonna hide  
Got the sun on my side  
It's heavy 'cause I'm finally  
Open to the one and I'm ready ready_

 _Mmm I'm ready for love  
I'm ready  
I'm ready for love  
I'm ready_

This was a song Kendall could sing convincingly. He listened to it once more, trying out the chorus as it played and finding the range deeper than the songs Gustavo wanted for him but he liked the sound and feel of it. By the time his friends returned, he was pumped and ready to get going on his own arrangement.

"So?" Carlos asked. "It works?"

"It's amazing. I can't thank you enough."

"Just keep winning, that's enough for me! Oh, sorry, Logan spoiled it for me on the way back up. We figured you'd want to get going right away and wouldn't want to sit through the show."

"It's fine."

"Congratulations, though!"

Kendall laughed as Carlos hugged him, sharing a look of contentment with Logan. This place felt right, as did both of them in his midst. "I have to keep winning so I can stay here, right?"

"Damn right," Carlos agreed.

"Thanks again," Kendall said as he was handed a card, then passed the phone back to Logan. "I'll have to go get Katie's laptop, but then I'll be up at the apartment. Which is it?"

"5L. The corner one. Just drop the key at the desk in the morning on your way out."

"Got it. Okay guys, I'm gonna—"

"Kendall, hang on."

The change to a more serious tone from Logan caught Kendall off guard. He saw Carlos' face change as well, and his stomach sank. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. We just...Carlos, help me here."

"No way, this was your idea. He might deck me."

"He's not gonna deck you," Logan argued, rolling his eyes. "So we were talking and I wanted to try something with you."

"Try something?" Kendall echoed, tendrils of unease slipping into his chest.

"In the name of research," Logan clarified. "Nothing scary."

"I don't know, Logan, your idea of research might be a little scary."

"Just hear me out and don't automatically say no. You said you won't know for sure until you try a guy yourself, right?"

Kendall swallowed, breath quickening. He shook his head, already seeing where this was going. "I can't."

"I know it would be weird with me, but Carlos is willing to kiss you once just to test it for you. Though the smart thing would be to kiss us both to see if it's consistent, I won't force you to kiss me because I know that probably grosses you out."

Distracted by the last statement, Kendall frowned. "Why would that gross me out? You're not ugly, dude."

"No, but I'm your best friend and I wouldn't want that to make it awkward between us. I mean, I'm totally willing, and Carlos is fine with it since he's standing right here and it's not like we're cheating on each other. It would just be one time, to gauge your reaction."

Kendall's tongue came out to taste his lips before disappearing again. Damn if the idea wasn't already affecting him. Still... "I really appreciate that you guys would do that for me, but...wouldn't it be awkward for _you_?"

"It would be," Logan admitted, "except that I'm helping a friend. It's the only way you're going to know, Kendall, because it's not like you have time to explore your options. And you _were_ getting hot listening to me talk about making out with Carlos, don't bother trying to deny that."

"I'm not, I just...okay, how's this? You two kiss in front of me. Not like you do normally, but like you do when nobody else is around. That will tell me plenty."

Carlos grinned. "I'm game."

Logan chuckled and made no move to stop Carlos, who was perched on the back of the sofa and pulled Logan between his legs for a deep, open-mouthed kiss. It took Logan a few seconds to get into it, probably because the audience made him self-conscious, but then he was lost in it just as Carlos was, his hands running up the broad chest to meet behind Carlos' neck.

The effect was intense and immediate, Kendall's breath catching as he bit down to keep a soft moan from escaping. No one was touching him but he was harder than anything he'd experienced with either Lucy or Camille. His hands itched to feel skin under them—smooth, strongly-muscled skin—and he felt slightly feverish as Carlos unbuttoned just enough of Logan's shirt to suck at his collarbone, causing Logan to let out a needy sound that made Kendall shiver.

"Okay," he whispered, licking his lips again to wet his dry mouth. "You win."

With an effort Logan dragged his body away from Carlos and stepped back, both of them obviously turned on and Logan dropping his gaze to Kendall's pants with a nod. "My theory was correct?"

"Think so," was all Kendall could manage, still attempting to catch his breath.

"Are you attracted to us otherwise?" Logan asked curiously.

"I don't know, I don't let myself think that way because you're my friends. That would be weird."

"I can see that. Carlos." When Carlos lifted his chin in question, Logan commanded softly, "Kiss him."

Something in Logan's tone caused Kendall's breath to catch again. It had been said gently, yet with a steel that meant he wouldn't be denied. Hearing the same thing Kendall had, Carlos pushed off the sofa and moved to Kendall, who realized with a start that he _did_ want it—so much he might die without it. Carlos' mouth was not hesitant on his, but instead demanding, and Kendall groaned before kissing him back with the urgency caused by the throbbing between his legs. He backed Carlos up against the couch and went for it, letting out the aggression that only seemed to surface in the presence of another man.

It was Logan who pulled him back, perhaps uneasy at the sight of his boyfriend kissing someone else. "Do you believe me now?"

"Yes," Kendall panted, embarrassed by his own reaction. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get so crazy, I just...I've never felt this before."

"It's okay," Logan smiled, and Kendall could see he meant it. "That's what I expected would happen. Now kiss me and we'll know for sure."

"Logan, I don't want things weird between us, you're the best friend I've ever had and—"

Logan shut him up with a determined kiss, sending Kendall's body into flames again. His denial died so that he was kissing Logan back just as he had Carlos, desperate for so much more and frustrated because he knew he wouldn't get it. Carlos' hands reached out to slide up his back, Kendall shuddering with need at the touch and his legs weak enough that he had to fight to keep standing while trapped between two hard bodies.

It was Logan who stopped, dragging his lips away before planting one soft kiss against Kendall's. "Now you know."

He nodded, wondering how he was supposed to cool down after all of that. Logan stepped back but Carlos held him steady with arms around his waist. "You okay?" he asked in concern.

"No. I mean, yes, but...no."

"The water works in that apartment," Logan hinted. "Go take a shower and then focus on the song."

"Right." Kendall backed swiftly toward the door, unsure if he should thank them or not. Would that be weird? "And we're all okay? It's not gonna be awkward now?"

"Not for me," Carlos smiled. "You needed to know."

Logan nodded in agreement. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Have fun," Carlos winked.

He took the stairs, having enough presence of mind to not risk running into anyone. It would have worked beautifully had someone else not been doing the same. "Shit," Kendall muttered, spying a flash of leather and praying it wasn't Lucy. She'd take one look at him and know he was weak and needy, then pounce.

The person who rounded the staircase from above _was_ wearing a leather jacket and black jeans, but it wasn't Lucy. Instead it was Diamond who stopped in surprise, face splashed with guilt as if he'd been caught doing something. Imagining his expression probably matched Diamond's, Kendall lashed out in panic. "Spying on me again?"

"Pretty sure _you're_ the one that followed _me_ up here."

"There you go, daydreaming again. You always were one to get too caught up in dreams."

James' cheeks flushed and his gaze dropped, Kendall noticing something in his current state that he never had before—James Diamond was stunningly beautiful. When had that happened?

"They got me this far," was all James said.

Kendall barely heard, attention arrested by the way James' hair fell over his forehead and the curve of his eyebrows. He wore no gloss now but his lips were a delicate pink that Kendall's tongue ached to trace. Standing as he was below James on the steps, his gaze locked onto the part of James that he was suddenly desperate to touch. Overwhelmed by need, Kendall forced himself to move and flew past James on the landing, even the brush of their arms making him shiver. He had to get out of here _now_.

James made no move to stop him, staring up after him with an unreadable expression that Kendall noted before turning away from. If James read his thoughts now, he could never show his face again.

By the time he made it to the upper floor, he was in a frenzy. He got rid of his clothing along the way to the shower, the hot water the closest he could get to a warm touch as it cascaded over his skin to raise goosebumps. Once again, it was James' face floating in his mind as he came, this time screaming with it until he was so weak he sank to his knees and focused on trying to breathe.

"Fuck," he gasped, on all fours while heat rained down onto his back.

There was no doubt anymore—it was a man he needed.

* * *

A/N—The song Carlos mentioned in this chapter is "I'm Ready" by Cherie. Lyrics came from Google, so apologies if there are any errors!


	12. Chapter 12

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This is what you might call a "filler" chapter, but it takes us to the next battle between Kendall and James. Hope you're still enjoying the story!

As always, thank you so so so much to those of you reading and reviewing this. :)

* * *

The lingering traces of desire fueled Kendall as he practiced the new song, working on it until he had it memorized and sounding good enough to pass Gustavo's test (or so he hoped). He managed four hours of sleep before grabbing a granola bar on his way out of the apartment.

As usual, Logan looked put together and wide awake, offering Kendall a hesitant smile when he stepped up to the desk. "Hey."

"Hey," Kendall returned, laying down the key card. "Thanks again."

"Did you get any practice in?"

"Yeah, I managed a few hours."

"Great. Kendall...please don't let things be weird now. You needed to know, and it was the only way I could think of to—"

"It's fine. We're good."

"Promise?"

"Yeah. You were right, I _did_ need to know."

"And you're sure now? You know what you want?"

Memories from the night before flitted through his mind. "Positive. It just sucks that I won't have time to go after it until this contest is over."

"You've got Tuesdays," Logan reminded him.

"Half of Tuesdays. And honestly, I'd be a terrible boyfriend right now. I'd never have time for anyone and I want to do it right when I actually get to do it. You know?"

"Yeah. When you find the right guy, it's going to last. I can tell."

Kendall smiled, hopeful for the first time in days. "I hope so. I gotta get going, I'm running late. Did _you_ get any sleep at all?"

"Enough," Logan smirked. "You gave us plenty to uh...inspire us last night."

"Glad I could help," Kendall laughed. "I'll text you later."

"Let me know how it goes with the song."

"I will."

* * *

The camera crew's presence subdued Gustavo's normal combative attitude enough that Kendall was grateful for it when he auditioned the song for his coach. It always unnerved him to sing without accompaniment, but he put himself into it completely and waited in agony while Gustavo made up his mind in silence. Even Kelly looked tense with anticipation as she stood behind her boss, communicating her own thoughts with a thumbs up.

"It's not horrible," was Gustavo's eventual decree. "I can see that you feel it, and that's what matters. We can work on the rest over the next week."

"Really? You're gonna let me sing it?"

"Yes, but I'm choosing the other song for you because I can tell you've been up all night even though I warned you not to and I won't have a repeat of that."

"Gustavo, don't make me sing a song about being all lovesick," Kendall pleaded. "You know I can't sell that."

"What about heartbreak? Spiteful heartbreak?"

Kendall shook his head. "Can't do that, either."

Though the man rolled his eyes, he compromised, "I'll see if I can find you another song in the same vein. God knows you need a girl in your life."

Kendall's eyes cut away, a tiny smirk at his lips. If Gustavo only knew.

* * *

It was Jennifer who ended up choosing Kendall's second song, as every one Gustavo suggested was flatly refused by Kendall. The first song was ready to go within two days, Kendall finally able to get into music the way he'd seen James do because he felt each word to the bone. Jennifer and Katie came down to the studio on the second day, excited to see what Kendall was working on, and both proclaimed it the perfect song for him.

"You're gonna kill him," Katie grinned savagely, her earlier pity of James nowhere in sight.

Kendall purposely hadn't allowed himself to think about James since their brief conversation in the stairwell. He was confident that his thoughts that night had been brought on solely by the mood he'd been in and that next time they met, his hatred of his childhood friend would make a reappearance; all it would take is for James to open his mouth for that to happen.

Because his family was there (and probably because the show's producers would see footage from the day as well), Gustavo had lunch brought in and allowed Kendall to take a break. He was discussing his frustration with the fact that Gustavo kept wanting him to sing songs about things he couldn't emote properly and joked that it would be so much easier if he could just fall in love overnight.

"You can't hurry love," his mother scolded, then her face brightened. "Hey, that's a song! And it's about love! Why not do that one?" When her words were met with blank stares from both her children, Jennifer shook her head. "I failed with you two, you don't know enough classics. Trust me, it's a song about wanting to be in love so badly and being tired of waiting for it. It's perfect for you, Kendall."

Kendall was wary but went ahead and mentioned it to Gustavo, whose mouth dropped open. "Of course! We can work with that. It's also a female singer but Phil Collins managed it, there's no reason you can't either. Plus it's extremely well-known, so we'll win points for that. We're doing this song and I don't care what you say because we're out of time. Deal with it."

Kendall listened to both versions of the song, liking the more recent one better but expressing concern because of the upbeat tempo. "Don't I have to dance to something like that?"

"Not too much, we can make it work. I need to get someone in here to teach you how to move."

"We tried that, I won't go through it again," Kendall warned.

"No, not like that. Just someone to show you how to feel music. Too bad you aren't better friends with that Diamond kid, he could show you a thing or two."

"Did you really just say that?" Kendall exclaimed in outrage. "If you wanted him, you should've chosen him when you had the chance! Sorry that I'm damaged goods and not capable of everything you want from me."

Before he could stalk off, Gustavo grabbed his arm. "Stop it. You know I chose you because you're the better performer. It was a joke...with a little truth in there. Do you know anyone who can teach you to dance just enough to get by?"

"I don't know," Kendall fumed. "I can ask around at the hotel. Maybe _Hawk_ can suggest someone," he spat.

"Yeah, I'm not going to that asshole."

"Then don't expect me to go to mine. I'll do the song and I'll work on movement, but that's all you're getting from me."

"Let's just focus on the first song for the rest of today, and tomorrow we'll start fresh with the new one."

"Fine."

Suddenly remembering they were being filmed, Gustavo stared at the camera currently on them with wide eyes. "Get rid of that."

The man working the equipment smiled. "I'll edit it out."

"Thank you." He turned to Kendall. "Now, can you focus on singing without getting pissed off for five minutes?"

"Oh, look who's talking."

"Kendall," Gustavo warned.

Without another word, Kendall returned to the microphone.

* * *

The rest of the week passed in a blur of rehearsals and sleep for Kendall. He'd thought the previous week would be more stressful due to less time to prepare, but discovered that more time only meant more work.

He managed to meet up with Logan and Carlos twice, staying no more than thirty minutes each time due to exhaustion. He asked if there was anything new to report about Lucy, only to be told that she seemed to be inseparable from James.

"Otherwise, same old Lucy," Logan shrugged. "I do see her with your sister sometimes. She doesn't hang out in the lobby waiting anymore like she used to, so maybe that was just for you."

"Or for James," Kendall suggested. "Now that she has him, she doesn't need to ambush him. I wonder what she told him about that time he caught us in the elevator. Does he still think I was attacking her?"

"Probably," Carlos answered. "She's not gonna tell him the truth if they're dating."

"True. She was at the last show with him. Actually apologized for the way she's been treating me."

Logan's face showed his shock. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. I don't buy it. Unless she really is done with me because of him."

"Were you two alone when that conversation happened?" Logan mused.

"No, it was during the show. At the side of the stage."

"Ah. So, plenty of witnesses. Of course she didn't act crazy."

"Oh." Kendall felt like an idiot for not seeing that sooner. "You're right." Not having the energy to think about Lucy anymore, he asked, "What about Camille? Has she been bothering you?"

"No, but she did ask about you," Logan shared. "She thinks you're avoiding her."

"Me? I haven't even seen her."

"I explained to her that you're gone from morning to night and that I don't even get to see you, and that seemed to help. She said to apologize if she made you uncomfortable with her standing offer of sex. Which you never told me about," Logan said with a raised eyebrow. "You could have it all with her and you're not even tempted. That should've clued you in."

"My head was all over the place that day, give me a break. She did make me uncomfortable, but that wouldn't keep me from talking to her. Does she dance?"

"Dance?" Carlos echoed. "Like professionally?"

"I need someone to teach me how to move to music. Not a full-on dance routine, just...you know. Movement to a beat."

Carlos studied Kendall. "You don't feel that when you sing?"

"I didn't last week. Maybe I will now that I'm getting into the songs. I did notice that I can't stand still when I sing the new song."

"Good, that's how it works. Just start with your feet, maybe tap them and move left and right. Bop your head."

"That's so lame," Kendall groaned.

"Not if you're just feeling the music. We all look stupid dancing, but if you're into the moment you don't care. You just...feel it."

"Like when we danced last night?" Logan asked, an impish grin following the question.

"Yes," Carlos laughed. "Except it won't end in sex because he'll be dancing alone."

"Thanks for the reminder," Kendall sighed. "Okay, I should go. Tell Camille we're cool."

"You got it," Logan nodded.

At the door, he spun back to smile at them cuddled up on the sofa. "I really miss you guys. I can't wait until this thing is over and I can just hang out like a normal person."

Logan reminded him, "That's only if you win. Unless your mom can afford the rent on this place."

"Not a chance."

"We miss you, too," Logan promised. "Let me know if Gustavo lets you go early any night, I'll find a way to sneak away for twenty minutes so we can talk."

"Thanks. Night, guys."

* * *

An hour into their last full day of rehearsal on Sunday, Gustavo cut Kendall off in the middle of "You Can't Hurry Love" and laid his head down on the desk. Concerned, Kendall approached. "Kelly?" he called out, then laid a hand on Gustavo's shoulder. "You okay?"

Gustavo lifted his head and sighed deeply. "This isn't working."

"What? No, we're gonna do it, I'm trying as hard as I can, don't give up on me."

Kelly came rushing into the room. "What's wrong?"

"It's the song," Gustavo complained. "It's not working. It isn't good enough to win tomorrow."

"Oh." Kendall sank into a chair nearby, rubbing his face.

"You're not feeling it. Kelly, he's not feeling it."

"He's trying, Gustavo, maybe with more—"

"No, nothing is going to help," the coach interrupted. "I see that he's trying and it's just not...it's not there."

Kendall bit his lip. "It's true. I don't feel anything when I sing it. I'm trying to, and I'm even working on the moves a little—"

Gustavo waved a hand to shut him up. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's not you. You _are_ working hard. This song just isn't you."

"Well, we can't change the song a day before the show," Kelly pointed out. "We have to make this one work."

"I just told you, Kelly, it's not going to work. Kendall."

Feeling like a failure, Kendall met his gaze and waited.

"Do you have a girl in your life that you'd like to be with?"

"No," Kendall answered honestly.

"Do you even know what you want out of love?"

"I think so. I've thought about it a lot and I know what I'm looking for."

"Perfect! So then...let's try this. If you could say what you want to this mystery person, what would it be?"

Confused, Kendall asked, "What? I don't understand what you mean."

"Just close your eyes and imagine this person is standing in front of you, without judgment. What would you be thinking? What would you tell her?"

Ignoring the female term, Kendall did what Gustavo had suggested. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine what exactly what he wanted in a man, what he would say to the one he chose to be with forever. The words that came out surprised him. "Let me protect you."

When he opened his eyes, Gustavo was attempting not to laugh. Kelly smacked his shoulder and said, "I think that's sweet."

"Okay, but that's what you'd say?" Gustavo wanted to know. "You want to...protect someone?"

Kendall shrugged, face hot. "It's what I do with loved ones. I keep them safe. I want my...person...to feel safe with me and come to me for everything. I like to protect and feel like I'm...forget it. It's dumb."

"It's not dumb," Kelly assured him. "That's what a lot of girls want, is to have a strong man protect them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be that protector."

Feeling a little less embarrassed about it, Kendall admitted, "I want to be someone's safe place. Their shelter."

Kelly gasped suddenly, a hand over her mouth. "I know a song. I've got it. Gustavo, I know the perfect song for him!"

"By all means, get him a song he can sell to an audience. Watching him do the other song is just torture."

"Well, it's not really...I don't know if it's his style," Kelly fretted. "But the lyrics...I think the lyrics will hit home."

"Great. Find it. I'm going to get some coffee before I kill everyone. Kendall? Please just...make some magic."

Once they were alone, Kendall glanced up at Kelly in shame. "I hate that I'm disappointing him."

"You can't help it, you're working your ass off and he's almost impossible to please. But he's right, that song wasn't working."

"Yeah." Kendall inhaled a deep, bracing breath and asked, "Do you really think I can learn a new song and have it ready by tomorrow?"

"It won't be easy, but...I mean, look how fast you learned the other one. It's the best one you've done so far and you managed to have it decent in a matter of hours. It's all about how you feel, Kendall. If you feel it, you can sing it. Singing is just an extension of emotion. Well, _good_ singing is."

"Then I really hope I feel this song."

Kelly looked it up on her phone, and the first note was jarring but then a man's voice sang words that reverberated in Kendall's heart with truth.

 _Just come softly to me_

 _In the shelter of my heart_

The main music kicked in then, but Kendall's skin was raised with goosebumps from the first line alone. It was exactly what he wanted to be for the guy he would eventually meet. "What's it called?"

"Shelter. It's an older song, I think nineties? Probably around the time you were born. My sister was obsessed with Duran Duran, and even though I wasn't much into them, I know all the songs."

"Duran Duran?" Kendall smirked. "Weren't they like some super pop group from the 80's?"

"Yeah, this was after all the hype. Be quiet and listen."

 _I watch you from the window, working this vicious room_

 _You shudder when the wind blows, babe you're looking beat and cold_

 _Don't know your situation, but you look so alone to me_

 _In my imagination, this is how the message reads_

 _Reaching out, calling out for your love, babe_

 _Just come softly to me_

 _Reaching out, calling out for your love, for your love, babe_

 _In the shelter of my heart_

 _Trust my intuition, you're the one I've got to know_

 _I give without condition, wouldn't try to save your soul_

 _Money or reputation doesn't mean a thing to me_

 _Special communication, it's the only thing we need_

"The vocal style is perfect for you, too," Kelly commented, breaking through Kendall's focus. "I promise this isn't an insult, but your voice was made for whiny singing."

"Uh...thanks?" he chuckled.

 _Here there is no hurt to feel_

 _Here is safe for lips unsealed_

 _In the shelter of my heart_

That was exactly right, and what Kendall wanted to be—a place where his beloved would feel no hurt.

 _Reaching out, hear me now, calling out_

 _Do you read me?_

 _Reaching out, hear me now, calling out_

 _Do you read me?_

 _Reaching out, calling out for your love, babe_

 _Reaching out, calling out for your love, for your love, babe_

Even that was right, as it felt like Kendall was putting out a message to the world and hoping someone would answer. Somewhere out there was the guy looking for what he had to offer.

"Well?" Kelly asked as the song faded out. "What do you think?"

"I think it's everything I want to say," Kendall replied firmly. "I can sing this."

"Thank god, because Gustavo's right; the other one wouldn't have won."

"Yeah."

"And it's repetitive, so you won't have to learn too many lyrics. I'm gonna go find him. You stay here and start learning it."

"What if he says no to the song?"

"Just show him that you're feeling it, Kendall. That's all you need to do."

* * *

Because he _was_ feeling it, the song was arranged and perfected quickly. By the time he went home that night, he was sick of it from so many run-throughs, his vocal chords once again strained. He was relieved he would only have to sing the songs a few times the following day, and not at all on Tuesday.

Still, he was humming it as he passed through the lobby on his way upstairs, stopping at the desk to greet Logan.

"Kendall!"

At the call from behind, Kendall spun around to see Camille approaching. "Hi."

"Hi! Can we talk for a second?"

"Sure."

Not knowing what to expect and hoping she'd see that he was exhausted, Kendall allowed her to gently pull him toward a love seat and down into it. "So I know Logan told you, but I wanted to apologize."

"No, don't, I'm as much to blame as you are. I let it go too far and—"

"I was just trying to help. And maybe...I was feeling sorry for myself because of Logan, and I..."

"I know," Kendall smiled. "I was feeling lonely, too. It happens."

"I just didn't want you to think I'm some loose slut who goes around propositioning everyone. I think it's because I felt you weren't a threat that I was more bold than usual. And I mean, I _am_ attracted to you, so..."

Unsure if that was a hint, Kendall didn't know how to respond. He certainly didn't want to be the second person to reject her within a week. "Uh...you're very pretty. But I'm um...way too busy for—"

"Oh! No, it's fine, I wasn't saying that to...wow, I'm just making this worse. Look, the point is that Logan said you're hoping to stay here if you win the contest, and I just want you to know that I'd like to be a friend if you do. I don't have a lot of those."

"Oh." That hadn't been what he was expecting. "What about Lucy?"

"Yeah, she's one of them. James has been super nice, too."

"Really?" Kendall smirked. "Pretty sure the James Diamond I know is an absolute dick."

"Well, he's your rival, of course you two aren't gonna be best friends. Maybe that will change one day."

Kendall kept quiet that it had already happened, so long ago that he barely remembered it. "It won't, but thanks. Has she...said anything about me?"

"Who?"

"Lucy."

"Oh. Not too much, just that she met you a few times. We agreed you're cute, but otherwise she's got her hands full with James. They're together most of the time."

"So I've heard. Wait, she said I'm cute?"

"Yeah," Camille grinned. "She'd probably never admit that to your face, though."

"No, I'm sure she wouldn't. And honestly, it doesn't matter. She's not my type, and she's taken."

Camille offered him a smile. "When the time is right, you'll meet your soulmate. How's the singing coming along? Are you doing better with emotions?"

"I am, actually. You helped a lot with that, but mostly it's because I found songs that explain what I'm feeling. It's like I could've written them myself."

"That's so great! Good luck tomorrow, I'll be rooting for you."

"Don't let Lucy hear you say that," Kendall teased. Camille laughed and it was a pleasant sound, making Kendall wish for a moment that he had it in him to date a girl.

"She's up in James' apartment, I think we're safe. You look really tired, though."

"I am," Kendall admitted. "I should get some sleep."

"No worries."

Camille pulled him into a hug that blessedly did nothing for him other than make him glad to have one more friend in this mess. "Thanks, Camille. Your soulmate is out there, too."

"That's what I keep telling myself," she sighed, leaning back to shrug. "I wanted it to be Logan."

"I know. He's just...different."

"Which is probably why I like him so much. He doesn't look at me like a walking piece of meat."

"Right." Knowing exactly why that was and that he couldn't say any of it, Kendall stood. "Goodnight, Camille."

"I'll be watching tomorrow! Kick ass!"

"Thanks," he laughed.

He made it all the way to his apartment, no sign of Lucy anywhere, before a text from Logan came through.

" _What was that about?"_

" _She wanted to apologize and tell me she's there if I ever need a friend. She's sweet."_

" _She waited over an hour for you."_

" _Really? I guess it was important. She said Lucy's up in James' apartment right now."_

" _So they're not being secretive anymore. Interesting."_

" _Whatever. It's better for me, let him be the one distracted by love."_

" _Unless it helps him sing those love songs better."_

Kendall supposed it would. _"At least his new songs won't be about how nobody loves him. Those appeal better to an audience, Gustavo says."_

" _Then he might stick with them. Are you ready for tomorrow?"_

 _"Totally. We threw out one of my songs today and started fresh, and I'm excited to perform it. This is the first time I've been excited to sing my songs and it feels good."_

" _That's great! I'll be there."_

" _Thank god. You heading up to see Carlos?"_

" _Soon. I'm so in love."_

" _I know. I'm happy for you."_

" _We need time to talk alone. I know you have a lot going on but I really need advice before Tuesday. Is there any way we can take off alone after your show tomorrow? I can drive you back."_

" _Sure, I'll just tell Mom I'm going home with you instead. Will Carlos be waiting?"_

" _Yeah. Even the drive home should be enough time for what I need to say. Thanks, Kendall."_

" _Not a problem. See you tomorrow."_

" _I'll be there."_

Kendall laid awake for a long time, the new song echoing at the back of his mind as the past few days tumbled through his head. He didn't have to worry about Lucy anymore, things were good with Camille now, and he still had Logan to get him through the craziness that would surely only be more intense as the competition wore on. He had a wonderfully supportive family, and even a friend in Carlos. Gustavo wasn't always the most encouraging coach, but he believed in Kendall and that was enough.

What did Diamond have? Lucy? Hawk and his assistant? The thought crossed his mind again about James' parents, who he knew were very much alive. James was an only child, so there was no sibling to cheer him on the way Katie did Kendall. For one fleeting moment, Kendall felt sorry for James. No one should have to go through all of this insanity alone.

 _It's his own fault. He's a loner, always has been. If it hadn't been for me rescuing him that day, we would probably never have spoken and he'd still be a crying, scared mess. I taught him how to be strong._

Or at least he'd tried, in the short time they'd had together. The fact that James fought so hard to get here showed that Kendall had been at least somewhat successful. In spite of their current situation, Kendall felt a small sense of pride. Diamond was a dick, but he had a backbone.

He was still weak underneath, though, and that would be an asset to Kendall. Nobody else saw it, but Kendall knew the signs. The way he'd clutched at Kendall's hand out of habit during the results show was proof of that; James reached out for others when scared, and Kendall had been the one who was there for him. Kendall had been his safe place.

"Not anymore, buddy," Kendall murmured. "You can grab for your girlfriend now. Those days are over."

* * *

A/N—In case it wasn't clear, the song Kendall settled on is "Shelter" by Duran Duran.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So this chapter wasn't supposed to go up until the weekend, but I'm trying to motivate myself to finish the last two chapters and posting always helps. The bad thing about it is that because it's so early, I didn't have a chance to send it to my friend who always looks over my chapters for errors before I post. So...if there are grammatical errors or if anything's confusing, blame me.

We've made it to week two of "National Popstar"! Yay! Obviously the results will be in a later chapter, but in the meantime I'd love to hear who you think should win this week. Heck, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have at all! Thank you so much for reading this.

* * *

The following day was basically a repeat of the previous Monday, Kendall spending the morning running through his two songs before he, Kelly, and Gustavo headed to the television studio. The difference this time was that Kendall not only felt ready, but actually excited to get out there and sing. He knew the contest wasn't a shoe-in, as James possessed a lot of talent and experience that he didn't, but for the first time he was confident that he had a real chance at winning.

This time it was Kendall performing first, so that when he approached the stage for sound check, Diamond was leaving it after his own. Kendall's stomach tightened as James neared, remembering the last time they'd met face to face and how he'd actually wanted to touch him. He reminded himself that the only reason for his reaction then had been the mood Carlos and Logan had put him into, proving it by lifting his head to stare at Diamond in a show that those feelings were long gone.

It was a mistake. Rather than some hideous costume, James was dressed in a similar fashion to the last time they'd crossed paths—black boots, ripped jeans, and the leather jacket over a t-shirt. Rather than black, this shirt was white, and his hair was swept off his forehead in a style that made him look older. Kendall had the fleeting thought that he missed the bangs before Diamond opened his mouth.

"Don't even start with me."

Kendall probably wouldn't have if James had remained quiet. Instead, the command set off something in him, the fire igniting in a slow burn. "What are you, some kind of 50's reject? Didn't you hear they changed the theme, asshole?"

"Fuck you."

"Is that the only insult you can come up with? Maybe you should read a dictionary once in awhile."

Rather than reply, James held up a hand toward Kendall's face, effectively dismissing him until he'd moved past, and Kendall watched him go in slight disappointment; in truth, James didn't look at all like what he'd stated, but it was the best he could come up with off the top of his head. Noting the defeated posture, Kendall wondered if James was suffering what he had himself the previous week—jittery nerves and a lack of confidence. He wished he'd arrived to the stage earlier to witness James' warm-up so that he could get a sense of his enemy's mental state. Whatever was going on with him, he wasn't handling today well.

"Good," Kendall muttered as he walked to the mic. "Easier to take you down."

Kendall ran through pieces of his own songs at half power, Gustavo nodding at him approvingly as he exited the stage. When Kendall smiled, the coach warned, "Don't get cocky. You don't have this won yet and we don't know what he's got up his sleeve."

"Trust me, his head's not in the right place today. I've got this."

"Don't count on that," Gustavo contradicted. "He might rev himself up in the next hour."

That was true, but an hour wasn't much. Kendall checked the time and noted a text from Logan that he was on the way. "Logan should be here within a half hour," he told Kelly.

"Perfect, that's about the time your mom and sister are arriving. Go relax in the dressing room and get your head where it needs to be."

Kendall thought his head was already where it needed to be, though. He was not only pumped and ready, but anxious to get the competition underway. His mother noted it once she joined him, stepping back from their hug to look up at him with wide eyes. "I haven't seen you like this since..." She hesitated, not wanting to bring up a bad memory.

"Since what?" Kendall asked curiously.

She settled on, "Since before a hockey game. You've got your fire back, honey. I know it isn't hockey, but you're finally having fun with something again, and it just..." Jennifer broke off, choked up.

Katie had entered the room halfway through the mini speech, and now she rolled her eyes. "Great, Kendall, you got her crying."

"I didn't do anything!" he protested, sighing when his mother threw herself into his arms to let the waterworks flow. "Come on, Mom, this isn't anything like hockey."

"But it is, you're excited and you have that glow about you and it's just so beautiful to see, I thought it was gone forever."

That was the scene Logan walked into, Kelly trailing behind and both of them frowning in concern. "Is she okay?" Kelly asked. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine," Jennifer answered in a watery voice, grateful when Kelly passed her a tissue from a nearby box and stepping away from Kendall. "I've got my baby back."

When neither of them had any idea what she meant, Katie mouthed, "Don't ask." To Kendall, she said, "Lucy's here. Warning you now, in case she tries to mess with you."

"I'm not surprised. Oh, crap," he added, the realization hitting him at once. "She's going to be sitting there mocking me while I sing and do anything she can to throw off my concentration. How am I supposed to sing love songs with her right in front me?"

Katie shook her head. "She won't be, I offered to save her a seat up front and she said she was staying backstage with James."

"Of course she is. He probably can't even take a piss without her holding his hand."

His mother gave him an exasperated look, but Katie had a different idea. "You know what I think it is? She can't be seen on television. Her parents might be watching."

"Oh, I bet that's true," Logan agreed. "My mom called me the same night it aired and left a voicemail that she saw me, she was so excited."

" _Lucille_ can't take that chance," Katie grinned.

That probably was the case. Kendall wasn't sure which was worse, having Lucy close enough to mess with him, or having her out in the audience throwing off his focus.

"Has she been bothering you at all?" Logan wondered. "I thought she backed off last week."

"She did," Kendall admitted, "but I still don't trust her. She'd probably do anything to help her boyfriend win."

Logan shrugged, unwilling to agree or disagree. "Are we good for after the show?"

"Oh! Mom! Logan's driving me home after the show."

"That's fine. We have to be up early tomorrow for Katie to get a jump on her homework."

"Mo-om," Katie complained. "Kendall gets to sleep in one day a week, why can't I?"

"Because you also get weekends off and he doesn't. We can go through a drive-thru on the way home, and I'll allow you to watch the show in the lobby if you want, but at curfew, you're in bed."

"Deal!"

"Speaking of the show," Kelly commented, looking at her watch, "Kendall, you've got about twenty minutes. Are you ready?"

"I am," he smiled, the anticipation rising again. "I'm excited to sing. I never thought that would happen." When his mother's gaze turned misty, he warned, "Don't start crying again. Please."

"I'm fine," she laughed, the sniff that followed betraying that. "Katie, come on, let's go get to our seats. Kendall? I am so proud of you, honey. Just go out and have fun tonight."

"Thanks, Mom."

"And crush Diamond while you're at it," Katie added.

"That's the plan!"

He turned to Logan with a grin once they were gone, Kelly following his family to escort them to their seats. "I'm so glad you're here. Is everything okay with Carlos?"

"Yeah, we're great. But his parents are coming in tomorrow and I'm a wreck."

"Oh! Already?"

"He has his first appearance on television Wednesday. I'm nervous for him but so happy."

"Do you need to go work tonight so you can get that night off instead? I'd totally understand."

"No. I already cleared it with Uncle Reg, told him again that I'd walk if I don't get two nights off per week. The regular employees get two entire days off, and all I'm asking is two evenings. He wasn't happy, but..." Logan shrugged. "I got what I wanted."

"I'm proud of you! You're standing up for yourself!"

"It's scary," Logan admitted. "Every time I challenge him, what I really want is to run and hide. But I don't let it show and so far it's worked."

Kendall nodded. "We'll talk on the way home, okay? Let me make it through this, and I promise it's all about you once I do that."

"For now, it's all about you. There's something different about you tonight."

"That's what Mom said. She says this is how I always was before the championship games."

Logan tilted his head, considering that. "Does it feel the same? Going into battle against James?"

"I guess a little," Kendall conceded. "It's..."

"What?"

"You know. Stimulating. Going into it knowing I have the power to beat him."

"I can see that, there's this intensity radiating from you. Did you talk to him at all today?"

"Briefly. He was rude."

"Did you start it?" Logan asked shrewdly.

"He opened his mouth first!"

"Uh huh. You definitely get off on challenge." Logan bumped hips before adding, "And guys."

"Don't remind me, I'm so lonely," Kendall sighed.

"You'll find him," Logan smiled. "When the time's right."

"That's what Camille said."

"She's pretty smart about some things. I'm gonna get out there. Good luck tonight." Logan hugged him tight, Kendall returning the gesture and feeling his body come alive.

"Oh, no. Not now."

"I won't fool myself this is about me," Logan smirked. "You don't get like this when I hug you goodnight at Carlos' apartment. This is all about competition. You're wired. It's kind of sexy."

"It's embarrassing."

"Use it, Kendall. Go out there and let it fuel you. In fact..."

Without warning, Logan lifted up slightly to press a kiss to Kendall's lips, Kendall shocked but unable to fight the answering desire in his current state. He kissed Logan back hard, just starting to really get into it when Logan pulled away.

"What was that for?" Kendall demanded breathlessly. "More of your theory?"

"No," Logan grinned. "I'm just trying to help you win. You perform better when you're turned on."

As the feeling he'd always had before those championship games wasn't all that different from what he was experiencing now, Kendall couldn't argue that. "I'm winning this tonight."

Logan smiled. "I believe it. I'm going to tell Carlos about this, so don't think I'm cheating on him. He'll understand. He says you're a really good kisser, by the way."

"He did?" Kendall asked in surprise. "I've hardly had any experience."

"Doesn't matter, you come by it naturally." Logan looked back with a smirk before stepping out the door. "He's right."

Kendall let out a breath once he was alone, more desperate than ever for someone to love. It was the perfect inspiration to sing his song with feeling.

* * *

When his name was announced and the first notes of "I'm Ready" rang out in the building, Kendall strutted out onto the stage with a confidence he'd never felt while singing before. Logan had helped by getting him in the right frame of mind, and this time he opened his mouth to let the feelings out in the form of song, embracing the audience rather than shunning it. His body moved to the music without him even realizing it, not so much that it bothered his knee but enough that it could almost be called dancing. He fed off the captivated stares from strangers around the room, for the first time in his life feeling what Logan had called him earlier—sexy.

The only thing that broke through his trance and almost derailed him was the sight of Lucy and James at the side of the stage.

 _Now I'm looking to my left, searching on my right_

He went with it, actually looking to his left and then to his right, his gaze falling on them and almost stumbling over the words that came next but managing to keep them going as his eyes locked with Diamond's.

 _But we could be the greatest adventure_

James' face remained impassive, Kendall's heart skipping a beat for no reason at all before he tore his focus away to center himself for the chorus. Definitely not a good idea to look over there again.

He quickly got back into the song, shoving them out of his mind and singing to the audience as if he was begging each one to be what he needed.

 _Oh you, you gotta be close_

 _Because I breathe you in and out wherever I go_

The music backed off after the bridge, Kendall's voice softening as he sang the next few lines into near silence so that his desperation showed through.

 _I'm ready, come and find me_

 _I'm not gonna hide, got the sun on my side_

 _It's heavy, cause I'm finally open for the one_

 _And I'm ready_

He happened to be looking toward the right as he sang the last line, noting movement out of the corner of his eye and watching with triumph as Diamond spun on his heel and left the stage area, Lucy immediately following. Victory surged with the crescendo of his voice so that when he launched into the last chorus, it was with so much feeling that he actually interacted with the audience, flexing his fingers in a "come here" gesture when he sang lines like "come and find me." The girls he focused on seem to eat it up, Kendall amused but having fun with it.

He was grinning as the last notes faded out. This was an amazing feeling and he didn't want to let go of it yet. Why had he waited so long to give singing a chance?

Kelly greeted him with a hug that was reminiscent of his mother's excited ones, lifting him off his feet. "Kendall, that was incredible!"

It was, he'd felt it as well. "Thanks." Once back on his feet, he turned toward Gustavo in trepidation.

"It wasn't horrible," Gustavo commented, which Kendall knew by now to mean that it was good. "You've still got one more to make it through, though, so—"

"Right, don't get cocky, I know." He gratefully took the towel Kelly passed to him, using it to blot sweat from his face while remembering the make-up artist's command to not rub. "Where'd Diamond go?"

Gustavo shrugged as if he didn't care. "Probably to get ready, he's up in a few minutes. After he performs, you'll get a longer break because the guest is up then, plus he does his second song before you do your next one. Which is a completely different tone, so I want you to get out of whatever mood you're in now. You need to put out a vibe like a..." He didn't even know how to put it into words.

"Like a protector," Kelly smiled. "The kind of boyfriend you want to be."

At the moment, all Kendall wanted was to be alone so he could release the intensity he was still feeling. Because he also wanted to watch Diamond perform, though, that would have to wait.

"Go relax in the dressing room and wind down," Kelly suggested.

"No, I want to see him. Need to know what I'm up against. Where's my phone?"

Once Kelly passed it over, Kendall sent a text to Logan. _"Come back here after James is done."_

" _We will. Your mom's crying again."_

" _Tell her I love her and I'll hug her later. How was I? Did I sell it?"_

" _So much that if I didn't have Carlos, I'd be trying to get into your pants. I'm really proud of you, Kendall."_

Kendall laughed when he read that, glad his intensity hadn't all been in his head. _"Thanks, dude. See you in a few."_

It wasn't long before James made a reappearance, Lucy as always in tow. Kendall watched her giving what looked like a pep talk while Hawk made the rounds backstage ensuring that everything was ready. He had to admit, the leather jacket/jeans/boots combination presented an attractive picture, certainly much better than the garish outfit from the week before. Most likely Lucy was to thank (or blame, as his chances of winning increased with the less gaudy look).

Still, Kendall couldn't get past the bangs. From the time he'd held out his hand to help James up from the blacktop at five years old, James' bangs were a part of him, always falling down to brush over his left eye so that he was forced to shake them away repeatedly. It was as much a part of James Diamond as the hazel eyes that always gave away his true feelings no matter what words came out of his mouth. Seeing James now with them swept back just felt wrong somehow, as if he was a completely different person.

 _He is_ , Kendall reminded himself. _He's someone who would rip away your livelihood without a second thought. Don't forget that._

The nerves were there again, Kendall seeing it when he looked hard enough but the steel was also back, James radiating that fierce, warrior vibe by the time commercial break ended. It conflicted with what Kendall knew would be a sappy love song, making him smile; James wouldn't be able to sell a lovesick tone in his current state.

Once the show went live again, video was shown from James' rehearsal sessions, just as it had been from Kendall's. He paid no attention to it, though, stepping up behind James and Lucy.

"You can do this," Lucy was saying. "Make me proud."

"But the song, I don't know if—" James cut off, sensing Kendall nearby and glancing back with disdain. "Can I help you?"

"Nope," Kendall smirked. "Just here to watch the show."

"Not now, Kendall," Lucy groaned. "Go away."

"Oh, so it's okay for you two to watch me and try to mess me up but I can't even stand here in silence?"

Before either of them could answer, James was being announced. Lucy reached out to squeeze his arm reassuringly, James taking a deep breath before sauntering out. Kendall stepped up to stand at Lucy's side and noted, "He's nervous."

"He's fine."

What started was not at all what Kendall expected, a heavy rock riff breaking into the cheers from the audience. This was a love song? Kendall supposed the leather jacket made more sense now, but how did James expect to elicit empathy from the world with a badass vibe?

 _In the air, I'm tasting your perfection_

 _Forgive me dear, for my misdirection_

"How does this even pass for a love song?" Kendall asked in disbelief.

Lucy answered in annoyance, "He's singing to someone he loves. It works."

The vocal range was much lower than Kendall had ever heard him sing, that coupled with the outfit making Diamond seem more masculine (and much more like he appeared on the ice).

 _As I crawl beneath this torture you adore_

 _I fall face to face with my scars you've ignored_

At that Kendall couldn't hold back a laugh. Typical James Diamond, singing songs about unrequited love with an "I'm so tortured" vibe.

"What's so funny?"

Amused, Kendall replied, "And here I assumed that he wouldn't be singing sad love songs now that he's dating you. I should've known better."

Lucy tossed a distracted glare his way. "Cute. You really shouldn't assume things. Now be quiet, I want to hear him."

 _All my props, I swear they were in order_

 _Even with the warnings of your thunder_

 _Now I pause to let my silence scream tonight_

 _While you roam like a serpent satellite_

"I love that line," Lucy remarked, gaze locked on James. Though it wasn't exactly a typical love song, Kendall couldn't deny that he was singing from the heart as he continued.

 _So tell me why it don't feel the same_

 _And tell me why I gotta feel this way_

 _Yeah you leave, you're gone, and I'm left here with the blame_

 _Tell me why it don't feel the same_

"I thought we were supposed to use popular songs for this. I've never heard this one."

"It's brand new," Lucy nodded before mouthing the words along with James.

"What's it called?"

"Why."

With a roll of his eyes, Kendall said, "Because I want to know. No need to be a bitch."

"No, I mean that's the name of the song. 'Why.' Part 2, actually."

"Oh." Kendall felt stupid as he echoed, "'Why Pt. 2'? That's the name of it?"

She nodded again, most of her attention on James.

"Where's part one?"

"I guess you'd have to ask the person who wrote it," Lucy shrugged. "I think it fits James very well."

Now Kendall shrugged, unwilling to admit that she was right even though he'd always known James to be more of a sensitive soul. "It's angry."

Lucy's lips curved up into a smirk. "It's about time he got angry. I helped him a little with that."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Kendall retorted.

After a short break from singing due to a guitar solo in which James seemed to recenter himself, he put his all into the last chorus, the anger coming through as he almost yelled the lyrics into the microphone. Kendall found himself unable to look away, the now-familiar reaction to aggression waking his body up against his will.

 _Tell me why it don't feel the same_

 _And tell me why I gotta feel this way_

 _Yeah you leave, you're gone, and I'm left here with the blame_

 _So tell me why it don't feel the same_

"Fuck," Kendall muttered under his breath, needing to get away before James (or even worse, Lucy) noticed his arousal. What he really needed was to stop being around James when he was already in this mood.

Luckily all of Lucy's attention was focused on Diamond. Kendall made a hasty exit before he could join them, brushing past Gustavo and Kelly to rush to the bathroom where he could be alone.

He spent five minutes in there calming down and gathering his thoughts in preparation to greet his family and Logan, shoving aside the visions his brain kept trying to send him of James moving powerfully across the stage. When Kelly texted him to ask where he'd gone, he knew it was time to return.

Kendall allowed his mother to hug him as Kelly had, gushing over his performance until Katie shoved her aside to hug him herself. "You really did kill it, dude. What's the next song about?"

"Uh...well, love. That's the theme this week."

"Ugh, it's gross, there are hearts everywhere. Makes me want to puke."

It was crazy to think that two weeks ago, Kendall would've been in perfect agreement with Katie. Now he just wanted it for himself. "Hey," he smiled at Logan.

"So my pep talk worked," his friend teased, Kendall blushing when he remembered the kiss.

"Definitely," he laughed. "But was I better than James?"

"Oh, for sure," Katie answered right away. "No contest. I mean, he was good, but you interacted more and got the audience more into it."

"I think his obsession with 'poor me' songs is gonna be his downfall," Kendall stated. "It gets old."

Having come into the room and heard that, Gustavo agreed. "Everyone loves a sad love song once in awhile—" When Kelly raised her eyebrow at him, he amended that. "—except for you and me, Kendall, but mostly people want to hear happy things. They're drawn to positive crap instead of things that make them sad all the time. Your song was more relatable, because everyone's looking for that special someone. With him it's always 'you hurt me, blah blah blah.'"

"Exactly!" Kendall exclaimed. "I wonder if he chose his songs this week or if Hawk did because he lost."

Katie shrugged. "Doesn't matter, because he's gonna lose again. Unless his next song is super killer."

"I think Kendall's got this," Kelly disagreed. "Every girl watching tonight is going to want Kendall as a boyfriend by the time he's done. As long as you really sell it," she said to him.

"It's what I want," Kendall pointed out, "so it shouldn't be a problem."

Jennifer, Katie, and Logan returned to their seats during the commercial break before James' second performance, Kendall walking them down the hall before heading back to the stage. His earlier hormones had calmed down and he felt it safe to witness James singing this time.

Rather than the two of them in the wings as he expected to find, Kendall found Lucy standing alone. Looking past her, he spied James seating himself on a stool that had been placed before the microphone, dressed as before minus the leather jacket. The absence of it seemed to steal some of James' steel, leaving him looking small and vulnerable in the middle of so much space.

"He's sitting down for the performance?" Kendall questioned.

"It goes along with the song," Lucy replied. Her usual fiery streak was nowhere in sight and for once she actually looked nervous.

"You okay?" he surprised himself by asking. Since when did he care about Lucy's well-being?

"Fine." That was more like the old Lucy, firm and borderline rude.

"Geez, sorry for asking."

Lucy sighed, looking frustrated before admitting, "Look, I just get really defensive because I know how much you hate James and you're always looking for a way to tear him down. This song's not easy for him, he has a hard time even making it through and I just. I'm nervous for him, okay?"

The way her thumbnail was suddenly being gnawed on would have given that much away. Studying her closely, Kendall asked, "You really love him, don't you?"

It took a long time for her to answer. "He's got more than heart than anyone I've ever met."

The host took the stage then, joking with the audience before reintroducing James, whose obvious nerves kept him from even smiling. It should have made Kendall gloat that his rival was so scared, but instead made him uneasy as his old instinct to save James started to kick in. "What song is it?" he asked abruptly, curious.

"Surely one you've never heard. It's by Queen, an old one from the seventies."

"I've heard of Queen, I don't live under a rock."

A melancholy piano melody began, Kendall not at all surprised. Here was more "nobody loves me, I'm so sad." Rather than make the mocking comment that wanted to break free, Kendall remained silent because he knew Lucy didn't need his crap right then. James sucked in a deep breath before his first line, then closed his eyes and began to sing.

 _Love of my life, you've hurt me_

 _You've broken my heart, and now you leave me_

 _Love of my life, can't you see?_

 _Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me_

 _Because you don't know what it means to me_

It wasn't the words so much as the tone that affected Kendall. James sounded lost and scared, this time Kendall's instinctive protectiveness doing more than just starting to kick in—it hit him so strongly he felt the need to console James, to promise him everything would be okay.

 _Stop it,_ he scolded himself. _He's putting on a show, this is what we do here. He probably didn't even pick it himself._

Hadn't Lucy said he had a hard time with it? Maybe because Hawk chose it and it wasn't true to him the way the other songs had been. That's all James was doing now, trying to sell the song.

 _Love of my life, don't leave me_

 _You've taken my love, and now desert me_

 _Love of my life, can't you see?_

 _Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me_

 _Because you don't know what it means to me_

It was working; with each word, James was selling it so well that even Kendall could believe he was feeling intense pain.

 _Who will remember when this is blown over_

 _And everything's all by the way_

 _When I grow older, I will be there at your side to remind you_

 _How I still love you, I still love you_

James had loved. Kendall knew it without a doubt, watching him sing this song and hearing the sincerity in each note, he knew that there had been someone in James' life that touched him deeply. He'd moved away and missed all of that, but now there was a part of him that was jealous because James had experienced something special that he wanted desperately for himself.

There was a break in the singing, James using it again to collect himself while Lucy tensed up next to Kendall. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, he just...this is always where he loses it and can't finish. Come on, James, you can do this."

She bit her lip, watching anxiously as James began to sing again.

 _Back, hurry back, please bring it back home to me_

 _Because you don't know what it means to me_

Sure enough, James lifted a hand to his face to wipe away sweat, nerves getting the better of him. Except, as Kendall watched, he realized it wasn't sweat—tears were leaking from James' eyes, his gaze somewhere over the crowd and seeing another time and place.

The last two lines were simple but heartfelt, James singing them to some unknown person with heart-wrenching pain.

 _Love of my life_

 _Love of my life_

Lucy barely waited for the signal that they were no longer live to do what Kendall's gut was urging him to do. She ran across the stage to James, who was hunched in on himself with tears dripping down his face. Gently she took the microphone from his hand and replaced it, then coaxed him from the stool and led him blindly back. Not a word was spoken by either of them as they brushed past Kendall, and when Hawk approached to tell James he'd done a fantastic job, Lucy cut his speech off with a glare before pulling James by the hand toward the hallway.

Unprepared for the confusing feelings assaulting him, Kendall turned his gaze toward what he could see of the audience in search of Logan, who was looking back at him and mouthed, "Wow."

That about summed it up. James had just tied the competition.

* * *

The good thing that James' song did for Kendall was put him in the right frame of mind for his second song. As he took the stage to sing about inviting a lost soul in and offering a safe place of protection, he was able to feel the words more deeply.

Once again, he was using his enemy as motivation for his performance, and that certainly couldn't end well.

Still, it was James who kept flitting through his mind as he sang.

 _Just come softly to me_

 _In the shelter of my heart_

 _Here there is no hurt to feel_

 _Here is safe for lips unsealed_

 _In the shelter of my heart_

James didn't come out to watch him this time, nor did Lucy; Kendall assumed she was still consoling him, thinking that she really didn't know him well enough after a week to be able to see into his heart the way Kendall always had. It fueled him as he sang the final chorus of the song, directing it toward James even though he wasn't aware he was doing it.

 _Reaching out, hear me now, calling out_

 _Do you read me?_

His performance was once again met with wild applause, Kendall only returning to himself when it broke through his trance. He glanced down to see Katie offering her usual thumbs up, telling him he'd done well. His mother was clapping enthusiastically and looking proud. Logan, on the other hand, was staring at him in speculation, the wheels turning in his mind as if he was working out a math problem. Kendall didn't even want to know what he was thinking.

* * *

Once again, the songs Kendall sang are "I'm Ready" by Cherie and "Shelter" by Duran Duran.

James sang "Why, Pt. 2" by Collective Soul and "Love of My Life" by Queen.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

As always, I can't thank you enough for reading this, and for reviewing if you do that. :)

* * *

It seemed forever before Kendall was finally alone with Logan in the quiet of his car. He closed his eyes and let out a breath, feeling the tension and excitement drain away.

"Tired?" Logan wondered.

"Not really. It just takes a lot out of me. I'm so glad I don't have to be at the studio in the morning."

"Yeah, I have to try to get to bed at a decent hour tonight since I'll be out late tomorrow. Carlos won't be happy about it, though."

"He's got a big day tomorrow, he'll understand. He might even be thinking the same thing."

"Maybe." Logan smiled as he pulled out of the studio lot. "He really loves sex."

"Oh, and you don't?"

Guilty, Logan smirked as he shrugged. "We can make it a quickie tonight. The problem is that once is never enough, we want to keep doing it all night."

"Jealous. But leave after the first time, that should keep you in line."

"He never wants me to leave, either." Logan didn't seem bothered by this in the slightest. "He makes me so happy, Kendall. I'm worried that his parents are going to change that somehow."

"Like try to keep you apart?"

"I don't know, we're both adults so technically they can't, but he respects their opinions so much. If they don't like me, or even if they do but don't want their son dating a guy, he'll have a hard time disobeying that. He worries about disappointing them constantly."

"That's rough," Kendall agreed.

"So as far as his parents are concerned, we decided to just let it ride and see how it goes. If we both feel that they'd be okay with it, we'll tell them. Otherwise, we're just best friends."

"Sounds smart. Just don't blow him where they might see," Kendall teased.

"Shut up."

Logan was laughing, though, Kendall glad he'd managed to amuse him. He felt bad knowing how difficult the following night would be for Logan. "Maybe I can talk Gustavo into letting me go early tomorrow, if you need a friend with you."

"I'd love that, but you have a show tomorrow night."

"Oh." Kendall had completely forgotten the results show. "Damn."

"I really appreciate the offer, though." Logan reached over to squeeze Kendall's hand in gratitude before returning it to the wheel. "I may need you when we get back, depending on how it goes."

"Done. Just text me. I'll let you know when I'm done with the show."

"Thanks. There's one other thing."

"What's up?"

"We were talking last night about his career, and...I hadn't thought about it but being gay in the wrestling world is not something to brag about. It makes a lot of the athletes uncomfortable, as you can imagine."

"Ah. I hadn't thought about it, either. But there's so much physical contact, I can see why that might be a problem."

"Yeah. So we need to keep us a secret."

"I thought you wanted to anyway. Wouldn't your uncle have a problem with you socializing with a resident?"

"Honestly he'd probably get over that. He knows you and I are friends now and rather than tell me to stop bothering you, like he did before, now he's asking me about you like he's excited to have a relative who hangs out with you."

"Typical."

"Right, because you're famous now. He actually encouraged me to get to know James better yesterday," Logan chuckled.

"Really? Doubt that would go over well; Diamond knows you and I are close."

"He's actually nice to me, though. I gave him a new key for Lucy's apartment the other day and he was cool with me."

Kendall's stomach twisted as he was annoyed for no reason. "Are you really allowed to just give out keys to other peoples' apartments without their permission?"

"No, I had to call her first to make sure it was okay. She told me if I gave him any trouble, I'd be sorry. Also threatened me again if I charged for it."

"Sounds like Lucy," Kendall laughed. "So you caved?"

"Nope, James covered the money. But he also made me swear to pretend that it was free if Lucy ever asks, because she said she'd kick my ass if I charged him for it and he didn't want me to suffer. I got the feeling the reason James asked for it instead of Lucy was because he knew she wouldn't be nice about it."

"Huh. That's actually...very James-like. Hates conflict."

"Yet played hockey."

"He's great on the ice," Kendall admitted grudgingly. "Probably the only time I ever saw him get aggressive was during games. He's really sensitive most of the time. As you saw with his performance tonight."

"Yeah, that was something," Logan commented. "He had every eye on him, and even choked me up a little at the end."

"What _was_ that?" Kendall wondered. "I thought at first he was just playing the part but then he started crying."

"Which bothered you."

"Bothered me?" Kendall echoed. "In what way?"

"I could see you from my seat, and I watched you watching him. You wanted to comfort him."

Kendall said nothing, irritated that his feelings had been transparent. Or maybe it was just because Logan knew him.

"You were also extremely turned on watching him the first time."

"That was your fault," Kendall protested. "You got me hot before I went on and then I just stayed that way because I couldn't do anything about it. Don't go trying to make it about Diamond. He's not exactly ugly and I was horny, of course I'm gonna be turned on."

"Kendall, relax. Your defensiveness when I mention that makes me think there's more to it."

"There's not. I'm just horny all the time now and it's really fucking annoying because I have no one to help me with that and no time to even find someone to. James is my enemy and he ruined my life. He's the absolute last person I would ever consider being with. No matter how hot he looks in that leather jacket."

"Ah, there it is," Logan smirked. "I knew it was in there somewhere."

"Shut up. He looked ridiculous with his bangs swept back like that."

"The fact that it bothered you that much..."

"It didn't, Logan, but he looked stupid."

"I'm sorry, I thought you just said five seconds ago that he looked hot."

"Because I was horny and he was there. Parade any beautiful man past me when I'm horny like that and I'll think he's hot." When Logan contributed nothing, Kendall insisted, "I'm serious!"

"I know you are. I just can't help but wonder what would've happened if you hadn't moved away. If you two had been friends while you got in touch with your sexuality."

"Nothing would have happened, because he likes girls. End of story."

"Okay, you win that."

"Thank you. Can we stop talking about him now?"

"Yes. Let's talk about the new thing Carlos and I tried in the shower last night."

Kendall gladly agreed. While it did nothing to help his practically ever-present lust, it was better than focusing on James Diamond.

* * *

Carlos greeted Logan with a kiss that was long enough to get Kendall hot again as he remembered what it felt like, Logan returning it fervently before pulling away. "Let's not be rude."

"Please, he's loving it."

It was true, Kendall having been glued to every movement. "It's your fault, kissing me last week. Now it just turns me on."

"Like everything else doesn't," Logan pointed out, leaning over to kiss Kendall on the cheek when he looked embarrassed by the comment. "It's okay, I'd be the same way if I didn't have Carlos and had to watch you with someone else. I'm not judging you. Oh, Carlos! We kissed earlier, I was trying to get him revved up for his performance. Nothing major, but I wanted to make sure you knew so it isn't cheating."

Amused, Carlos asked, "Did it work?"

"Watch him and see for yourself. Come on guys, let's play this because Carlos and I need to get to bed early."

"Always impatient for sex," Carlos teased.

"This time we really do need to sleep." Logan pointed them both to the long sofa before disappearing into the kitchen as if he lived there.

"He's so funny," Carlos chuckled. He left the middle seat open for Logan, then changed his mind and hopped over to crowd Kendall. "Go with me on this."

"Wha—" It was all Kendall could get out before his mouth was smothered, Carlos working it open expertly so that Kendall gasped and gave in, his hormones as always eager for attention.

A throat clearing behind them had Carlos pulling away with a smirk. "Oh, Logan, by the way, we kissed. Just didn't want you to think we were cheating."

"Jerk," Logan commented affectionately. "You could've at least waited for me so I can watch."

Carlos laughed, Kendall wondering if he should apologize to Logan. "Um, sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"Kendall, it's fine, he's just messing with me." Logan approached and passed Kendall a tall bottle of soda that he'd removed the cap from, Kendall drinking it down gratefully as it soothed his throat. Once Carlos had his own drink, Logan dropped between them and laid his head on Carlos' shoulder. "Really, Kendall. I'm not upset. He was making fun of me."

"No, I wasn't!" Carlos protested. He wrapped an arm around Logan's shoulders. "I just think you're so cute about it, wanting to make sure I don't think you're cheating on me. If I was worried about it, you'd know."

"Okay, good. Seriously, though, if you ever decide to do that again, wait for me so I can watch."

Kendall couldn't help but snicker. "Logan likes to watch. I guess that goes hand in hand with the research thing, though, right?"

"Exactly. Carlos, where's the remote?"

After that they settled in for the show, Carlos blown away by the difference in Kendall's performance and only distracted from that when the camera panned Logan at the close of it (this time they only had to watch that five times). He was less impressed with James' first song, saying it was adequate but that James "didn't really get warmed up until the last chorus, and by then it was over. He's talented, though. Nice to see a more aggressive side of him."

Kendall, meanwhile, was still annoyed by something he'd noted in the clips from James' rehearsal time. "It's dumb of him to let his girlfriend hang out at his rehearsals all the time. That's just going to distract him."

"I agree," Logan nodded. "She seems to be coaching him some, though, which is odd. You didn't see a lot of Hawk in those clips, did you notice?"

"Gustavo's constantly breathing down my neck," Kendall complained. "Why isn't Hawk doing the same with Diamond?"

Carlos suggested, "He must feel that James doesn't need much work. Or is fine to let Lucy handle it."

"She is a musician," Logan pointed out. "Explains why he went with a rock vibe, that song sounds more like something off her album."

Kendall frowned, recalling that Lucy had never answered his question about who did the song originally. Or did he even ask? While Carlos was forwarding through commercials, Kendall asked Logan to borrow his phone and then tried to look up some of the lyrics. "Am I doing this right?" he finally asked. "I can't find anything."

"What are you looking for?" Logan took the phone back, typing in a few lines from the song before trying a deeper search. "Nothing. Give me more lyrics."

"Uh..." Kendall thought back to what they'd just heard, recalling one line that had stuck with him because it was weird hearing the word "dear" out of James' mouth. "Forgive me dear for my misdirection. Has to be by a chick," he added. "No dude says 'dear.' Wait, it's called Why! She told me it's called Why. Possibly Why Part 2."

Logan kept searching, even asking Carlos to go back and play part of the video again, before shaking his head. "It's not here. Whoever wrote this song hasn't published it, or at least not in a public way."

Kendall blinked slowly. "But that's impossible. We're supposed to play songs that are popular. I mean, Lucy did say it's brand new, but...oh my god. She wrote it. It's the only thing that makes sense. Lucy had to have written that."

Carlos thought that over. "I can't imagine her calling anyone dear, though. Unless she's into chicks, which has crossed my mind before."

"She's dating James," Kendall reminded him.

"Doesn't mean she's never been with a girl."

Kendall couldn't argue that. "Kelly did pick an obscure song for me. I guess it's possible. But that feels like cheating. What if Gustavo wrote a song for me?"

Logan wondered, "Would anyone even know?"

"The producers must, we have to give them our songs at the beginning of each new week so they can approve them and make sure we don't accidentally do the same song. They had to submit that. It still feels like cheating."

"A song's a song," Carlos disagreed. "If it works for him, which...I'm not really convinced it did, even though he was obviously feeling the lyrics...then who's to say he can't sing whatever he wants?"

Kendall was forced to admit that Carlos was right, though it still didn't feel right to him.

"Maybe she didn't write it," Logan suggested. "His next song was a well-known one, so there's no need to jump to conclusions."

"Was this one better?" Carlos wanted to know.

"Yes." Logan grabbed the remote and pressed the button to make it play. "This one was intense."

They watched in silence as James sang to the love of his life, it being more powerful for the lack of distraction and the fact that though James didn't look into the camera often, when he did his pain showed deeply in his eyes. Kendall again felt the urge to comfort him, to go to him and ask if he was okay.

No one spoke until the show broke for commercial.

"Lucy ran out to him after that," Logan said softly. "He was a mess."

"Wow." Carlos' reaction was an echo of Logan's earlier sentiments. "Tell me again why you hate this guy so much, Kendall?"

"You know why. He ruined my life and—"

"Did he do it on purpose?" Carlos interrupted. "Because I can't imagine that guy hurting anyone on purpose."

"He did. Look, I'll admit that he probably didn't know he would be completely killing my career, but he did check me on purpose. He was trying to keep me from scoring and that's what you do."

"That's what you do," Logan repeated. "Is it maybe what you might have done in his place?"

"No. I play fair, and that's cheating. I don't check other players."

"Ever?" Carlos pressed.

"Ever. I mean, maybe once or twice when I didn't mean to, things happen fast out there on the ice and—"

"So why is it so hard for you to believe that it might've been an accident when he did it?"

Kendall glared at Carlos, hating him for bringing doubt into what he knew to be true. "It wasn't. He apologized for it, he knew what he did."

Logan's head swiveled over to stare at Kendall. "He apologized? You never told me that."

"Of course he did, what was he going to say when I showed up in a room full of people and basically accused him of it? He wasn't going to admit to doing it on purpose."

"When was this?"

"The original audition, when I went up against him. I beat him that day, which is why I'm here now."

Carlos shook his head. "I thought he auditioned in Boston. Didn't I hear that on the show last week?"

"He did," Kendall explained patiently. "We auditioned together in Minnesota, but he bombed so bad that he tried again with Hawk. I threw off his focus because I showed up to get even and steal his dream from him. He knew I knew it was him after the card he sent."

Now Logan actually shifted on the sofa to face Kendall. "Hang on. He sent you a card?"

Not wanting to answer that, Kendall looked away.

"No way, don't ignore me. When did he send you a card?"

"When I was in the hospital. That's how I knew for sure it was him, even though I'd already suspected it."

"And what did it say?" Logan asked.

"Just that he was sorry."

"And?"

"That's it. 'I'm sorry.' That's all it said."

"So let me get this straight." Carlos considered his words before continuing. "He checked you on the ice, which was possibly an accident—"

"It wasn't," Kendall interrupted.

"And even if it wasn't," Carlos pressed on, "he apologized to you for it later. Twice. Am I right?"

"Yes," Kendall sighed.

"But you needed revenge so badly that you messed up his first audition, and now that he's trying again, your goal is still to ruin him?"

"Carlos, it's not as bad as—"

"I'm not judging you," Carlos said quickly. "To be honest, I might've done the same thing in your position."

"Really?" Logan said. "You'd ruin someone's life on purpose?"

"Babe, look at it from Kendall's point of view. His life was over."

"It wasn't, though. Kendall, I know how much you loved hockey, but the way I see it is that your life was just beginning. It's a different life than you thought you'd live, but is it really so bad?"

Kendall shook his head, tired of the conversation and the way it was making him feel. Looking at his friends, he knew that Logan was right and it wasn't so horrible. "No, it's not that bad," he admitted. "It's just...not what I wanted."

"But I saw you tonight, you were having fun up there. You were excited! Even your mom said it was like watching you play hockey, that you were your old self again. Katie agreed. I mean, it's not what you wanted but it might be even better if you let it."

Kendall didn't want to hear this. He stood up, ignoring their pleas to stay. "Sorry, guys, it's not you. I'm tired and I'm cranky and James really...he threw me off tonight. I wasn't expecting to actually care about him ever again. I have to work with him at some point over the next week for our duet and I don't know what to say or how to act and I just...I need to go to bed."

Logan rose and pulled Kendall in. "I didn't mean to upset you. All I'm asking is that you think about the fact that there's a reason you're here. New friends, a new hobby that you like a lot more than you let on, and eventually someone to love. You wouldn't have found any of that in Minnesota."

"The thing is, I might have. I was going away to train with my favorite team, I would've made new friends and probably found someone to love there."

"But you wouldn't have met me," Logan smiled, leaning back so they could look into each others' eyes. "And I wouldn't be with Carlos right now, and you wouldn't know what it feels like to kiss a guy. You'd still be trying to date girls and failing because it isn't what you need." Logan placed a soft kiss to Kendall's lips. "You needed us and this place. And we needed you."

Kendall's gaze moved away from Logan to take in Carlos, who was nodding. "My man is smart, you know. He's never wrong."

"I love you guys," Kendall whispered. He hugged Logan tight, then opened his arms to welcome Carlos in once he approached. "I'm sorry I sound ungrateful."

"Go get some sleep," Logan urged. "We can get lunch tomorrow if you want."

"That sounds great. Night, guys."

Remembering the last time he'd taken the stairs to avoid Lucy but run into James instead, Kendall opted for the elevator. He was sure that Lucy was over her days of trying to ambush him and wondered if that's how she'd landed James.

The doors parted, Kendall about to step in when he locked eyes with the only occupant of the car and froze. James stared back at him in silence, for once not glaring, and Kendall automatically opened his mouth to ask James if he was okay but then remembered he wasn't supposed to care. The doors started to close, Kendall unsure what to do and James making no move to stop them, and before he could make up his mind, James was gone from view and the elevator on its way.

It was the bangs that had rendered him silent, Kendall later decided while stretching out under his blankets. The bangs had been messy as if a hand had worked them over; Kendall knew without a doubt who that hand belonged to.

James was Lucy's responsibility now, and it was her job to take care of him. Kendall would just have to learn to let her.

* * *

" _Are you awake? I need you."_

The text from Logan came in around ten, Kendall for once able to sleep in and rolling over in bed to pick up his phone and read it.

 _"Just now. What's wrong?"_

" _I just checked in his parents. When can we meet for lunch?"_

" _Give me a half hour."_

It ended up being eleven before Logan could get away from the front desk. Kendall spent the time waiting in the lobby, politely greeting those who approached and resigning himself when some of the residents asked for pictures. He would never get used to this side of things and reminded himself it would only last another month before he was forgotten by the world. His goal would be reached by then, and he could walk away from fame.

At one point James swept through the room (or attempted to, as he too was stopped) with Lucy, a beach towel thrown over his shoulder. He looked relaxed in a tank top, board shorts, and flip flops, while Lucy was clad in her usual black boots and jeans. She'd at least ditched the leather jacket for once, Kendall noting that she seemed smaller without it. Spying him as she stood aside waiting for James, Lucy crossed the lobby to plop down in the chair next to Kendall.

"What are you smirking at?" she asked suspiciously.

"Nothing," Kendall shrugged. "I was just thinking that's the first time I've seen your arms."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Don't get used to it. He wanted to get some sun."

"Which is probably your idea of torture," Kendall teased.

Though she said nothing, her face showed agreement.

"Did you write that song?" Kendall suddenly asked, hoping to surprise the truth out of her. Instead, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"What song?"

"The one he sang last night. The first one."

"Why Pt. 2?" she smirked.

"Right."

"Nope."

Feeling slightly better about it, Kendall nodded. "Good. That would've felt like cheating."

"How would that be cheating? It's a real song."

"I don't know, I just...whoa, you might want to get over there. That girl looks like she's about to slip James her number."

"Ha," Lucy laughed. "I'd like to see how far she gets with that. Your little boyfriend is looking over here, should I kiss you and make him jealous?"

Kendall glanced over at the front desk, where Logan was just looking away. "I told you, he's not my boyfriend. And we're done with all that, right? You're not gonna get me alone in the elevator anymore and...you know."

"Aww, do you miss it? Kendall, I'm flattered, I didn't know you cared."

Her voice was sugary sweet yet somehow so mocking that Kendall rolled his eyes. "I do not miss it! I'd just like to know that I can ride the elevator in peace."

James' gaze swept the room in search of Lucy, stalling when he spied them together. She stood up and replied, "You can't ever be too careful, Kendall. Watch your back."

He watched her stride back to James, who spared Kendall no more than a hostile gaze before taking her hand and leading her out to the pool area.

"Whatever," Kendall muttered. Catching Logan's eye, he sighed when his friend pointed to his watch and held up five fingers. Suddenly Kendall wanted to be anywhere but here.

* * *

They walked separately to a fast-food restaurant on the corner of the block, both wary of giving Lucy more ammunition. Kendall arrived first and ordered, Logan joining him just as he was returning to the table with their food.

"I don't know why I asked for all of that," Logan sighed. "My stomach won't settle down."

"Eat," Kendall commanded, pushing a chicken sandwich toward him. "I'm guessing you didn't even have breakfast."

"I didn't," Logan admitted, reluctantly unwrapping his food. "I was just so nervous!"

"And? How did it go with them?"

"Okay, I guess. They were nice. His mom knew who I was."

"Really?" Kendall asked as he bit into a juicy burger. "So Carlos has talked about you?"

"He told them that I'd be going along tonight, as his 'best friend.' That's all they know for now."

"Right. So they were cool with you?"

"His mom kind of gushed over me, like 'Oh, so you're Logan!' Now I want to know what all Carlos has said."

"Ask him."

"He's busy training. His dad had to be reminded that I'm the friend who's going to be spending the evening with them, but he was nice. Shook my hand." Logan set the foil-wrapped sandwich down after one bite. "Strong grip. He could probably crush me with his bare hands."

"Logan, stop," Kendall chuckled. "No one's going to crush you. You're a wonderful person and they should be happy that Carlos found someone like you."

"Sure, except for the fact that I'm a guy. If I was a girl, I'd have it made."

"Eat." Not satisfied until Logan picked up his food again, Kendall continued, "It's not going to matter once you win them over. Tonight will be a perfect opportunity for you to get to know them, and I'm sure they'll love you. When you guys feel it's right, you can tell them the truth. Isn't that what you agreed on?"

"Yeah," Logan sighed. "I'm just so worried they won't like me."

"Sounds like Mrs. Garcia already does."

"True," Logan was forced to admit with a tiny smile. "She told me not to make plans for after Carlos' show because we're all going out to dinner to celebrate."

"See?" Kendall grinned. "You're already part of the family!"

"But what if it all changes when they find out the truth? Suddenly I'm a guy wanting to take advantage of their little angel."

"Don't worry about that. Just focus on how happy Carlos looks every time you use the word 'boyfriend.' When you introduced him to Kelly as that, he smiled so big I thought his face would freeze that way."

Logan shook his head. "That was stupid of me, I don't know why I said it. She wouldn't tell anyone, right?"

"No, I made sure she knows to keep it under wraps. She's trustworthy. But you're missing the point. Remember last week when you made some comment about how people might figure out you're dating and it didn't bother you to be seen together? His face lit up, dude!"

"I know, but that was before it all sank in. He realized later that he has to keep it a secret. And I'm glad he did, I wouldn't want to get in the way of his career. For now there's no choice."

"And are you okay with that? Honestly? Does it bother you that he'll probably have to give interviews and state that he's single? That he's going to have female fans throwing themselves at him?"

"I don't know," Logan answered. "As long as I know he doesn't want any of them, it's fine. But he did date girls before, and there's no guarantee he won't do it again. Shit, Kendall, what if I lose him? I can't compete with all that."

"Logan, calm down. You're not going to lose him." Kendall reached across the table to squeeze Logan's hand, leaving his own on top. "He's crazy about you, anyone can see it."

"Which isn't necessarily a good thing," Logan fretted. "If we're found out, his entire career could fall apart. Sometimes I think I should just break up with him now and spare him that agony."

"Stop it." Kendall gripped Logan's hand tighter. "Right now. He loves you and that would be the worst thing you could do for him. Where would his focus be then? You're so worried about his career that you're not thinking about his heart. You make him happy, Logan."

"Happier than wrestling?"

"If wrestling was enough to fulfill him on its own, he wouldn't have gone after you. Hockey was all I needed for my whole life. Think about it. I never even thought to look at anyone or anything else. It isn't like that for Carlos, he needs someone to share it all with."

"So did you," Logan countered. "You just didn't know it."

"I didn't. I was happy. I had everything I needed. And now I have nothing."

"Shut up, we just went through this last night. You've got more than you realize." Sliding his hand free from Kendall's, Logan snagged some fries as his appetite returned. "What were you and Lucy talking about?"

"Nothing really. I asked her about the song; she says she didn't write it but I never know if I can believe her. She also called you my boyfriend again."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Why is she so stuck on that?"

"Probably because she needs to believe that for her ego since she can't seem to understand why I wouldn't want her. It's easier to just assume I don't like girls."

"Except that she saw you with Camille."

"Explain something to me," Kendall begged, mind recalling their earlier conversation. "Why would she continue to mess with me and hint that I need to watch my back if she's dating James? Why can't she just be normal and ignore me?"

"When did she hint that?"

"Today. I wanted to make sure I don't have to worry about that anymore and instead of reassuring me all that's over, she told me to watch my back. She did this while James was watching us and looking pissy. Is she still just playing us both?"

Logan shook his head. "She's crazy. We already knew that, don't stress yourself out trying to figure out her motives. Remember, she gets off on confrontation."

"I thought that was me."

"No, you get off on challenge. It's a little different. Like when Diamond tells you to fuck off right before you go on. It turns you on."

"It does not turn me on!" Kendall argued. "It pisses me off! Two totally different things!"

"Are you sure?" Logan smirked. "Because I saw your reaction when he did it. Didn't you also say you used to get hard before going up against him for hockey?"

"I told you, it's not about him! Stop making everything about him! It was the rush of hockey, of playing in the state championship every year, that was what I lived for! And okay, sure, maybe part of it was taking him down, because each time it was his team I was up against. He was the captain. I admit that I got off on crushing him every time. He was my toughest opponent."

"So it was personal," Logan pointed out. "What you wanted most was to take him down, as you put it."

"But not because of who he is. I would've felt that way about anyone I was going up against."

Logan set down his empty wrapper, having polished off the sandwich, and crossed his arms over his chest to study Kendall. "What I don't get is that he was your best friend growing up. Is that accurate?"

"For like two years. When we were barely old enough to know what friendship was."

"Okay, but still. There had to be some kind of bond there, right? I mean, you cared about him."

"Of course I did, he was always being picked on. I couldn't just let that go and leave him to be bullied."

"No, you wouldn't," Logan smiled. "You're a knight through and through. And I know that watching him sing that song last night, the one where he cried, brought back some of those protective feelings."

Unwilling to admit anything, Kendall asked, "What's your point?"

"My point is that I don't get how you could just shut those feelings down when you moved and completely stop caring for him."

"Logan, it was a different life, he was fine on his own and it wasn't like I had control over it anyway, okay? We had to move. My mom was dying inside."

"I know, that's not what I'm saying. I guess I just...how do you look at him now and hate him? How do you just not care after being his friend for years?"

"Because he ruined me. Did you forget that?"

"I mean before all that, Kendall. I know why you're angry and that you blame him for all of it. But even at the games? How often did you see him before you moved here?"

"Once a year," Kendall readily replied. "Every championship game. That's the only time my team went up against his, it was for the state."

"And there was never any like...hi? Or 'How are you?' Not even 'good to see you'?"

"No. We were enemies, facing each other in battle. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"I don't know, I guess because competition has never really been my thing. I couldn't look at someone I'd been friends with and not see that person. You look at him and only see him as a rival."

"That's what he is."

"But he was so much more at one time."

"That's in the past. You have to let go of the past and move on. I learned that when we moved from my dad, Logan. I buried it all and never thought about that life again, because it hurt."

"And you buried him, too, because he was part of that life."

"Exactly. I did what I had to do. I had to survive."

Logan nodded slowly, Kendall watching as the wheels spun in his head and not wanting to know where they took him. "Look, can we just—"

"Um, excuse me?"

Both Kendall and Logan looked up in surprise to see two girls standing over them, one perhaps fourteen while the other might have been a few years older.

"Are you Kendall Knight?"

Kendall's mouth opened slightly in shock.

"He is," Logan answered for him, sensing that Kendall needed a moment to compose himself. One of the girls had a phone in her hand and Logan knew where this was going.

"Um, sorry to bother you, we just wondered if we could get a picture with you?" the older girl asked politely.

The younger one blurted out, "We voted for you last night! Even made our parents call in, too! You were so good!"

Finally finding his voice, Kendall managed, "Thank you. I uh...sure." He took a moment to wipe his greasy hands and mouth with a napkin, self-conscious suddenly about his eating habits. Had they been watching him? Even worse, had they heard anything he and Logan had been talking about? He stood up and moved between them, Logan graciously offering to take the picture with a barely-concealed smirk on his face; he was enjoying this immensely and Kendall might have to smack him later.

After two pictures with both and one with each girl, Logan handed the phone back. They thanked him, then turned starstruck gazes on Kendall and gushed that he deserved to win and they couldn't wait to watch tonight. Kendall thanked them again, bearing it gracefully when they hugged him before running back to their table in a mass of giggles.

"Not one word," Kendall warned as he and Logan slid back into the booth.

"Is it okay if I sit here with you? I'm not sure I'm worthy of your presence."

"Shut the fuck up. And stop laughing!"

"I'm not!" Logan protested.

"But you want to, and that's just as bad."

"Come on, that was adorable! Tell me it didn't feel good."

"It didn't. It was terrifying. Those girls don't even know me."

"But they connected with you," Logan reasoned. "They watched you and you touched their hearts with your voice. Think about that for a second. Your singing made them _feel._ "

The concept baffled Kendall. All he'd been doing was competing in a contest. "I wasn't expecting all of this. I just wanted to win, to beat Diamond."

"I know, Kendall, but...don't ignore everything else along the way. You just made two girls incredibly happy. Doesn't that feel good?"

"I don't know, it's..." It was so foreign. He was nobody. "But why? They don't even know me," he said again. "Why does it make them happy to talk to me?"

"Because they like what they do know of you. They believe in you. They know nothing of your past other than what was said on the show. They watched you pour your heart into those songs last night. They're just two out of a million, Kendall. Every time you win, people are voting for you. _Real_ people that you somehow inspired. Don't throw that away, it's so special."

Kendall didn't say much as they cleaned up their trash and prepared to leave, his head spinning with Logan's words. He honestly didn't know how to feel about any of it, but when they walked by the table on their way out, he did stop long enough to say goodbye and that it was nice to meet the girls.

He had to admit that the way their faces lit up made him feel pretty good.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

In this chapter, I refer to both Scuttlebutter and Instaframe. I took Scuttlebutter directly from the TV show, where it was used as a play on Twitter. So just think of Scuttlebutter as Twitter in this story. Instaframe is my own play on Instagram. It's apparently also an actual app, but every name I thought up turned out to be an app already in existence so I'm just going with this. For the purposes of this story, Instaframe is basically Instagram.

This chapter takes us through the results show for week 2. Thanks to those of you reading this! You're the best. :)

* * *

Kelly's first words to Kendall upon entering Rocque Records that afternoon were, "Kendall, what's your Scuttlebutter?"

That stopped Kendall in his tracks. "My...what?"

"Your Scuttlebutter. The network needs to know so they can direct your fans to it, they've apparently been getting spammed about you. Which is a good thing. We should've talked about this last week, I can't believe I let it slip past me but my focus has been on the actual competition."

Kendall looked around for Gustavo, who might be able to translate whatever foreign language Kelly seemed to be speaking, but he was nowhere in sight. "Kelly, I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Scuttlebutter? Your social media account? You do have one, right?"

"Social...oh, yeah, no, I don't do social media."

Kelly looked up to the sky as if begging God for patience. "You're a teenager. Don't all teens do social media?"

"Not this one. We don't even get data on our phones so Katie and I have never bothered with it."

"Okay, well that's our next step." As Gustavo blustered into the room, she called out, "We're getting Kendall a phone!"

"Kendall has a phone."

"No, we're getting him a real phone. He doesn't even have a Scuttlebutter account!"

"Well, that would explain why the network keeps bugging me about it. Kelly, set him up with an account and stop and get him a phone on the way to the studio tonight. I've been in meetings all day and having to stare at Hawk's face gave me a migraine. Coffee and aspirin to my office ASAP."

Just like that he was gone, Kelly sighing and handing over her phone to Kendall. "Here, it's this app. Open it and click on 'Create a New Account.' Set yourself up with one and we'll go from there. I'll be right back."

Kendall dropped into a chair, annoyed. Social media wasn't for him. None of this lifestyle was for him, why was he doing it?

He followed Kelly's instructions and got to the right page, but then he was stymied when asked to choose a username. He finally decided on a simple "KendallKnight" and was immediately informed that the name was taken. Frustrated, he tried adding numbers to it and was told the same thing. "What the hell?" he muttered. "There can't be that many Kendall Knights in the world." Giving up on that, he used Kelly's account to do a search so that he'd know what was already taken and was shocked by how many accounts came up not only with his name included, but with pictures of himself as the icon.

"Kelly!" Kendall stood up and started pacing.

"Coming!"

"Kelly, what the hell is all this?" He shoved the phone at her when she ran in. "Who are these people and why do they have my picture?"

"Oh. Those are fan accounts."

"Fan...what?"

"Fans make those in dedication to you or to show support or whatever. These are your fans, Kendall. I can't believe you don't even have an account!"

"Well excuse me for not living my life on my phone! Where did they get these pictures?"

Kelly studied a few. "Looks like some are screenshots from video of you singing. Oh look, this one dug deep and found one of you from your hockey days. And this one is from your press kit, which is what we submitted to the show back when you were announced as Gustavo's choice. Oh my gosh, is this your senior picture?"

Overwhelmed, Kendall had to sit down again. "People are...they're researching me? I don't understand why."

"Because you're famous now. That's what they do."

"I got recognized at lunch today. Two girls came up and asked me to take a picture with them and then said they voted for me. Kelly...I didn't even know what to say to them."

Kelly sighed, sitting down next to Kendall and hugging him in with one arm. "I know, this is all new to you. It's part of the process, though. I mean, don't hockey players have fans?"

"Well yeah, but not until they go pro. And it's different anyway, they're admired for their talent."

Lifting an eyebrow, Kelly asked, "Do you think you're not? You have talent or we wouldn't have picked you."

"I know, I just...hockey is something I had to work at and train for every day of my life. Singing is more like a gift, it came naturally to me."

"But you're working hard and training every day now. This really isn't so different. It's a career that you devote your life to." After a pause, she added, "If you want to. You could do so much with it, Kendall. Please think about that." When he didn't say anything, she changed the subject. "In the meantime, let's get you an account. Or did you already?"

"No, everything I tried was taken."

"I'll get in touch with the Scuttlebutter people and make sure to get you verified. It means you're the official, actual Kendall Knight. Maybe try something that's not just your name."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, what resonates with you?"

"Hockey."

" _Besides_ hockey. I know it's hard, Kendall, but you have to let that go."

"It's not that easy, okay?" he blew up, just as he did sometimes to his mother. Standing now, Kendall turned his fire on Kelly. "It's all I ever wanted from the time I was six years old! You can't just expect me to be fine with giving up my dreams! How am I supposed to move on when I spent all of my life training to play for the Wild?"

"I don't know," Kelly admitted. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make light of your situation. But...you have to accept that it's not going to change and that you can't go back."

"Do you really think I don't know that? Do you think I don't live with that every fucking day of my life? It doesn't mean I have to stop caring. I'm always going to be a fan of the Wild, until the day I die." His gaze narrowed. "Give me that."

"This?" Kelly passed him the phone, praying he wasn't doing something stupid that would kill his chances in the contest; Kendall still didn't quite get that his every move was being watched and judged.

"There. Found one that isn't taken." Proud, he shoved the display in Kelly's face.

"WildKnight11," she read aloud. "What's the eleven? Wait, let me guess. Your jersey number."

"Damn right. I may have been forced to leave that world behind, but that doesn't mean I can't bring some of it with me to the new one."

She nodded, musing over the name. "It works. Might make fans who don't know the hockey thing think you're a party animal, but for those who do know you, it fits. Great, okay. What picture do you want to use?"

"One that nobody else has. Hang on." Kendall scrolled through his phone's photos, choosing one his mother had taken of him on the ice that showed his hungry, determined face in the heat of battle. He recalled now that when it was snapped, he'd been staring back at Diamond, whose expression might have been a mirror of his own. "This one."

"Text it to me and I'll set it up, and I'll let the network know they can post this as your official account. Expect to be bombarded."

"I don't have to actually talk to people on that, do I?"

"If you want to win, you should. Imagine how many more votes you'd get if you answered fans back."

"Who's got time?"

"Make time. Even fifteen minutes before bed, just sit on your phone and reply back. Speaking of which, we'll be needing to leave soon so we can go get you a new one."

"Katie's gonna be so jealous."

"Too bad, you need this for work. Gustavo will pay for the service until the contest is over, and then you can decide from there what you want to do with it."

"Thanks. Kelly, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm just sick of people telling me to move on. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't trying to."

"I know. But you need to be more open to the experience instead of just letting it pass you by. I saw you last night, you were having the time of your life on that stage. Just think about that, okay? Don't be so quick to dismiss your own joy."

Reminded of Logan, Kendall said nothing—mostly because he knew they were right.

* * *

The first thing Kendall did after they got him a new phone was to transfer all of his contacts into it and send messages to his mother, Katie, Logan, and Carlos explaining that he'd be using that number for the foreseeable future. His mother immediately called him on the old phone, demanding to know why he had a new number, but once he explained the situation she understood. "Your sister's going to be impossible," was her only complaint.

"I know, I'm sorry. Gustavo insisted."

Next he added the Scuttlebutter app to the phone, following Kelly's instructions to attach his account and shocked to see he already had so many followers. "How do fans know about this so soon?" Kendall asked Kelly as she drove them down a busy highway.

"The show posted it, and so did the network. I think even Gustavo did. It's a good thing, Kendall, we _want_ the interest."

"I know, but..." Scrolling through his mentions, Kendall was in awe. "I already have five proposals for marriage. From people I've never even met!"

Kelly laughed. "Welcome to showbiz. You're hot stuff right now. Make sure to follow the show and the network, and Gustavo as well."

"What about you?"

"You can, but I only use mine to promote. I'm not actually on there much."

Kendall easily found the accounts for everyone Kelly named, his heart jolting when a familiar face popped up under "Who to Follow." "What does this little blue mark next to the names mean?"

Kelly glanced over quickly. "It means they're verified, like I mentioned earlier? That's the actual person."

Out of curiosity, Kendall clicked on James Diamond's account. Expecting to see a lot of "Make sure to vote for me!" posts, he was surprised to find not one. Instead most of them were replies to fans and thanking them for their support. "Am I supposed to be urging people to vote for me?"

"Yes, that should be like breathing for the next month. At least once a day, Kendall, please. I'll send you the information and links to copy and paste, and we'll put it in your bio, too."

Kendall nodded, thinking that was the smart thing to do, and again looked at Diamond's profile. His bio was merely a quote, one that probably only his mother and Kendall might recognize. "Make sure people know when you love them—that's the most important thing of all." "Oh, James," Kendall murmured, shaking his head fondly. "You haven't changed."

"What?" Kelly asked.

"Nothing. It's nothing."

And really, it wasn't. It was a simple thing that should have annoyed the hell out of Kendall, as everything James Diamond did seemed to. Instead, it sank him into more memories from the past that he'd buried, of laughter and innocence and friendship.

* * *

"What's wrong with you?" Gustavo asked as soon as Kendall walked into the backstage area, his beady eyes suspicious.

"Nothing," Kendall answered, bristling.

"You're off. I can see it, your head isn't where it needs to be. Go back to your dressing room and get that fire back."

"I'm not even performing," Kendall argued, irritated as he spun away and moved toward the hallway. Why was Gustavo always such a dick?

It didn't help when he rounded the corner only to see Lucy emerge from James' dressing room, James of course on her heels. His scowl preceded him, Lucy putting on a fake pout.

"Aww, is somebody in a bad mood because he knows he's gonna lose tonight?"

"Don't start with me right now. James, keep your tiger on a leash."

"Don't tell me what to do," was James' spiteful reply, so different from the warmer, affectionate tone he used to use with Kendall. This was the way he talked to those who picked on him, when he was putting on false bravado.

Kendall stopped walking as they passed. When had he become the bully in James' life? He turned on his heel to try to catch Diamond's eye, needing to know if deep down James was actually scared the way he used to be, but James' back was to him and instead what he saw was James reaching out for Lucy's hand.

 _For strength. Oh my god, I'm the bully now. I'm the one he wants to run from._

It made him sad, but more than that Kendall was ashamed. For a second he considered calling out to James, to maybe apologize or ask for a truce, and then Gustavo came around the corner just before they disappeared, a visual reminder of why they were here and what was at stake.

"Dressing room," Gustavo commanded with a thunderous expression. "Now." When Kelly trotted around the corner looking panicked, Kendall followed the order.

"What's wrong?" He didn't really want to know.

"What's wrong?!" Gustavo roared the moment they were alone with the door closed. "Are you an idiot?"

Completely lost, Kendall asked, "Is this about my social media account? I haven't even—"

"Sit down!" the man yelled, and because Kendall could see how furious he was, there was no argument.

"Let me handle this," Kelly said to Gustavo, though her voice was strained as well. "Kendall. Didn't Logan say he had a boyfriend?"

"Logan?" The mention of his best friend threw him off. "Why? What's this about?"

"Oh, I'll tell you what it's—" Gustavo started.

"Sit!" Kelly yelled, pointing to a chair opposite Kendall and not satisfied until Gustavo had, though he was silently fuming.

"Are you having some sort of thing with Logan?" Kelly asked.

"Some sort of...what are you talking about? We're friends. Oh, god. It's Lucy. Did she start a rumor? Please tell me she didn't get that rumor started, I've told her so many times there's nothing between me and Logan!"

"Lucy didn't have to say anything," Gustavo hissed, "because you screwed it up all by yourself! Kelly, show him before I shove the phone down his throat."

Completely bewildered, Kendall focused on her phone's screen as she played a video from what looked to be a celebrity site.

" _And finally, rumors are swirling today about National Popstar hopeful Kendall Knight, who was seen holding hands with a handsome young man over lunch today."_

Kendall watched in horror as a picture of himself and Logan filled the screen, Kendall's hand holding Logan's as he comforted his friend. "Oh, fuck. No."

" _While no one seems to know who his lunch date is, there's little doubt about Kendall's feelings. Now the question on everyone's lips—is Kendall Knight gay? Maybe we'll find out on tonight's results show. Tune in to channel—"_

"Shut it off," Kendall groaned. "Those little bitches. I know exactly who took that, but I never imagined..."

"You don't think!" Gustavo screamed. "Your every move is being watched, don't you get that?!"

"I was having lunch with a friend!" Kendall yelled right back, standing up because it made him feel stronger. "There was nothing romantic about that, Logan's going through something and I was comforting him! We're just friends, why does the whole world want to make us into something more?"

"Because it's gossip, Kendall! It's juicy! You have to stop and think before every move, before every word—"

"It's bullshit! And Logan doesn't need this, this could ruin everything for him if the world thinks we're together, nobody can know he's gay!"

"Nobody even knows who he is," Kelly pointed out. "Unless...oh, no." Her face paled. "He's been shown during the performances, he's always sitting with your family. Fans are going to recognize that and put it together."

"Fuck!" Kendall pulled out his phone, immediately putting a call through to warn Logan before remembering that he was at that moment with Carlos' parents at a very public wrestling match that would also be televised. "Wait. Maybe they'll show him on TV at Carlos' thing, too. Then people will know he's just a friend, that he goes to support us. Right?"

"You have to fix this right now," Gustavo ordered. "I don't care how. They might even ask you about it on tonight's show and we can't have the world thinking you're gay. You'd lose so many votes."

"I'm more worried about Logan right now."

"And that's the problem!" Now Gustavo stood up as well, unable to sit still. "You think of everyone else first, you don't take this competition seriously! Where is your head, Kendall?"

"It's here! I do care! But my friends and family come first, and that's not gonna change! I want—"

"You wanted to take Diamond down. That's what you've said from the start. When did that change?"

"It didn't," he replied, but Gustavo was right—it lacked the fire that had fueled him every step of the way. "I still want to win."

"Then fix this. Fix this right now or so help me, I will drop out of this contest by tomorrow. I'd rather do that than have you embarrass me with a scandal and lose for that reason."

"Gustavo!" Kelly yelled. "Calm down. Go for a walk or something. Give him space to figure out how to handle this. We'll fix it, just...let us do it in peace."

Though Gustavo headed for the door, he turned back to point a finger at Kendall. "I mean it. Make this right or we're both walking."

The room seemed to open up a little once the door slammed shut, leaving them in silence. "How do you work with that guy?"

"It's not easy," Kelly answered, "but he's right. We need to get you some press and get your side of the story out there. You can start on your Scuttlebutter. I hate to have your first post be about this, but take control."

"Tell me what to say."

"You said some fans took that picture?"

"I'm sure of it."

"So they probably posted it and it went viral. Sit. Let's look into this, we've only got about fifteen minutes. Thank god this hit after the voting closed for the week."

Together Kelly and Kendall tracked the original post down, finding that the photo had first appeared on the younger girl's Instaframe account. She'd displayed three pictures in one post, one of them of him and Logan, and added the caption, "We met Kendall Knight today!"

"Aww, see?" Kelly sighed. "She didn't mean any harm by it. She was just excited. I'm sure some stupid celebrity account was doing a search for you and came across those pictures. They had to turn it into some sleazy thing. And I bet I know exactly who it was."

Sure enough, Kelly called up a well-known site devoted to celebrity gossip and there it was. The site had only posted the picture of him and Logan, making sure to direct the readers' attention to their clasped hands. "I wish I could have this account removed, they do nothing but start drama. Okay, so here's how we start. First, reply to the girl's post. She posted it on Scuttlebutter, too. Same username."

"What? Seriously?"

"Yes. Say something about how it was nice to meet her today and thank her for being supportive. Make sure everyone sees that there's nothing weird about the post, because if there was you would ignore it. It also makes you look good to interact with a fan."

"Okay," Kendall said slowly, trying to follow Kelly's logic. He pulled out his own phone, then used the app on it to find her original Scuttlebutt. Kelly showed him how to click on it and reply, and he typed _Hey, thanks again for being so sweet today! It was great to meet you both, and thanks for voting for me!_ "How's that?"

Kelly's lips twisted as she thought it over. "Change 'sweet' to something more masculine."

Though he rolled his eyes, Kendall obeyed and changed it to "rad."

"Perfect," Kelly nodded. "Send it."

Once that was done, Kelly had him call up the celebrity account who'd started the rumors. "Now reply to them in a way that shows they're full of crap. Be sarcastic if you have to, I can't stand them."

Kendall gave it some thought, then replied to their post about him. _Thanks for doing a feature on me, but in the future why not get your facts straight first? Have a nice day._

"Oooo, I like that," Kelly grinned. "That's going to embarrass them, hopefully enough that they take the story down. And it shows that their take on it is wrong. So I'll try to set up some press for you tomorrow, if Gustavo will allow you to take a break long enough. I know interviewers who will come to you, they'd love to get a scoop of you in the studio. And I guarantee they'll be asking you about all of this, as well as wanting to know about your love life. That's what they all want to know."

"But I don't have a love life."

"Then tell them that. You're too busy to date right now. Is that a lie?"

"Not even close."

"Exactly. Okay. So if they ask you about it on the show tonight?"

"Oh, god. They can do that?"

"I can ask them not to. They probably won't because they don't want the negative press, either. They want an audience."

"Okay. If they do, I'll just say that Logan's a friend and nothing more."

"Just please word whatever you say carefully. Hopefully the host will only ask you about your rehearsals and the songs you did last night. Which...oh wow, that's going to take it into the love life territory on its own. Just...use your head before you open your mouth, okay?"

"Got it. Now I need a few minutes to text Logan a heads-up, he's with Carlos' parents tonight and I don't want them getting the wrong idea about him."

"Fine. Report to the stage area in five minutes. I'll go make sure Gustavo hasn't killed anyone."

* * *

Not trusting himself to watch from side stage tonight, Kendall joined Gustavo and Kelly at the huge monitor in the back as James went out for his time with the host. "How does he always look impeccable?" Gustavo wanted to know. "Not a hair out of place and not one blemish on his skin."

"That's make-up," Kelly assured him. "I'm sure his face isn't that smooth."

"It is," Kendall disagreed. "He's always been—" He was about to say beautiful, then caught himself. "Pretty, I guess you'd say."

Gustavo rolled his eyes. "Yet you're the one fighting gay rumors and he's the one with the girlfriend."

Kendall nodded, noting on a close-up that James actually didn't look perfect. Something was wrong with his eyes. "I think he's nervous again."

"How can you tell?" Kelly wanted to know. "He seems relaxed."

"No, something's bothering him. He's been crying. Where the hell are his parents?" Kendall wondered for what felt like the thousandth time. "Why aren't they here for him?"

A voice floated to him from a body that suddenly appeared at his left. "Careful there, Knight, for a second you almost sounded like you didn't hate him."

Kendall turned a glare on Lucy. "Shouldn't you be out there mooning over your boyfriend?"

"If you think I moon over anyone, you know me even less than I thought. He's got it handled."

To the outside world, Kendall was sure he did. But only those who knew him best could see through the facade; Lucy apparently wasn't one of those people just yet.

"There's nothing random about any of the songs I sing," James was saying to the host. "Each one is chosen for a reason, with a specific message in mind."

The host grinned and asked, "Then I guess the real question here is, a message for who?"

James' smile was tight. "That's something you'll just have to keep wondering about."

Kendall sneered, "Oh look, he's talking about you."

"Are you an idiot or just really not paying attention?" Lucy returned. "In case you haven't noticed, all of his songs are about someone from his past."

Kendall supposed that was true; they all had centered on unrequited love. "Doesn't it bother you that he constantly sings to an ex-girlfriend?"

Lucy shook her head. "Music is cathartic. It's how he's working through his heartbreak, and I'm proud of him for putting his heart out there. It's not easy."

He had to agree with that. Even though he'd only performed two songs that he could relate to, it had still felt like baring his soul.

After being asked what the world could expect from him the following week, James shrugged. "Well, we know there's a duet happening. That will be interesting. Otherwise...I haven't decided yet on my solo song. I have one in mind but I'm not sure if I'm going with it."

"Oh, you're going with it," Lucy muttered under her breath. "You will perform that song, James Diamond."

Kendall glanced over. "Is this one finally a mushy love song about you?"

Lucy rolled her eyes but answered, "You'll have to wait and see, won't you?" As James finished up his interview, she added, "Good luck with your duet next week. And with whatever love song you're going to sing to your beloved Logan. I knew I was right about you two!"

She flounced off toward the stage, Kendall about to follow her when he spied James coming toward them. James spared him not even a glance, Lucy taking his arm to lead him toward the hallway.

 _That's right, go off with your little girlfriend. Go write her a stupid love song._

He brushed off thoughts of both of them when Kelly instructed him to get ready. He had bigger problems to worry about.

* * *

To his immense relief, the host steered clear of any mention of Logan and the picture from earlier. He did work in a way to ask Kendall about his love life, though, making Kendall wonder if Kelly had somehow orchestrated that in order for him to get his version of the truth across. "The songs I chose aren't about anyone in particular, but rather someone I hope to find one day. I know she's out there for me, and when the time is right, I'll meet her. Or at least, that's what my mom keeps telling me," Kendall laughed, the audience joining him as he winked at his mother down in the front row. She nodded, probably sensing the camera would be on her in that moment, and Kendall breathed an inner sigh of relief. He felt like a fraud for using the word "she" in his reply, but as no one but Logan and Carlos knew of his recent discovery that he was mostly attracted to males, it was necessary.

"James mentioned a duet in the coming week, are you excited about that?"

Strangely, that question threw him more than the one about his love life. "Uh...well, I don't really know what to expect. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes."

"Do you know what song you two are performing?"

"I haven't been told yet. Hopefully it's one I already know so it won't be too hard to learn."

Kelly slapped him a high five as he entered the backstage area. "Perfect. Perfect answer, you're saying all the right things without bringing it up yourself."

"Now can I worry about Logan?"

"Nope," Gustavo answered. "You still have to go out there and wait for them to announce you the winner."

"Do we know yet that I'm the winner? You sound sure."

"I feel it," Gustavo smiled. "Fifteen minutes until you need to be back here."

"Thanks."

Kendall used the time to disappear into his dressing room alone, praying there would be something from Logan. He wasn't disappointed.

" _Oh my god no. No, this is horrible. His parents can't see that!"_

" _I know. I'm doing everything I can to make sure the world knows it's not true. How's it going with them?_

" _Great, they love me. But they won't if they see that. Kendall, you have to do something!"_

 _"I'm working on it! When will you be home?"_

" _We're leaving the arena now, heading to dinner. I warned Carlos and he's panicking."_

" _Tell him it's gonna be fine and we'll talk when I get back. Meet up in his apartment?"_

" _No, his parents are staying in it. I booked them a separate room but they wouldn't hear of staying in another apartment. Cabana?"_

" _Sure. Just text me when you get home."_

" _Okay. Did you win?"_

" _I'll find out in a few minutes. Gustavo is sure I did."_

" _So is Carlos. I have to go. Good luck!"_

" _Thanks! Later."_

Kendall spent his remaining few minutes with his eyes closed and thinking about James, of all people. James who had been deeply hurt by someone back in Minnesota, so much that he needed to work through it in song.

"You never were one to let go," he mumbled, then laughed because he was no better. He'd turned his entire life upside down because he couldn't let something go.

Would James have suffered so much pain if Kendall had been there to protect him? Or would Kendall have seen right through whatever girl eventually broke his heart and chased her off long before she was able to get her claws into him? Had there been another friend, though, that had replaced Kendall? Most likely, as James wasn't the type to go through life alone. Lucy was a perfect example of that; within a week he'd latched onto her and obviously needed her close the way he'd needed Kendall. Perhaps he'd had a girlfriend like that as well, one who seemed to be everything he needed but then dropped him when it got to be too much. Kendall couldn't imagine someone like Lucy sticking with James for long, either.

"She can't even go a week without flirting with me," he mused. "She's going to break your heart, too."

Kendall sighed deeply, knowing it was no longer his place to stand up for James or to save him. Why was he even thinking about this anyway?

"You ruined my life," he reminded himself. It was like a mantra. "You ruined my life and you have to pay now. That's all that matters. You can run home to mommy when you lose and Lucy dumps you and you have nothing left."

If Mommy was even around anymore. But of course she was, Kendall remembered reading a quote from her in the local paper back home.

Curious now, he pulled out his new phone and used the search engine to research Brooke Diamond, a woman who had always seemed larger than life when they were kids. Brooke now owned a company of her own, along with three smaller branches besides the main office. Just today she'd given a pitch regarding a fourth branch, attempting to win over stockholders for a buyout. She was busy, as she'd been then, only now it was on a much larger scale.

"She still doesn't have time for you," Kendall sighed. What he remembered of James' father wasn't pleasant; the man hadn't been abusive like Kendall's had, only not very interested in anything at all having to do with James. Or a job. Or anything that didn't involve sitting on his ass watching sports. "No wonder you have so many abandonment issues. Your parents didn't care and your girlfriend dumped you hard."

 _And your best friend took off without making any attempt to keep in touch_ , his mind whispered.

"Kendall!" Kelly poked her head in. "Come on, it's time."

Shaking off thoughts of the past, Kendall went to join his present.

* * *

They were placed next to each other again, Kendall reminded of the previous week when James had instinctively clutched at his hand before remembering they were enemies. He turned his head to study James, who kept his gaze straight ahead on the audience, and noticed a trace of red puffiness around hazel eyes that was proof James had been crying earlier. Before he could think it through properly, he asked softly, "Are you okay?"

His answer was a shocked glance before James looked away, then another look as if to make sure he'd heard right. Their attention was suddenly drawn back to the moment as the signal that they were going live momentarily was announced, and Kendall was forced to let it go. It was for the best; the last thing he needed was to care about James again.

There was no hand-holding this time, not even a brush of skin because James made sure to keep his distance. Before Kendall knew it James was no longer at his side, once again whisked away because Kendall had been proclaimed the winner. He put on a happy face for the world, accepting the congratulations and accolades from the crowd. Gustavo and Kelly looked ecstatic from the side stage.

Inside, though, Kendall was troubled.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Guys, your reviews make me so happy. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to leave them. And even if you don't, thank you to those who are reading this!

Next chapter will be the long-awaited duet rehearsal. :)

* * *

Kendall was waylaid on the way to their apartment by Camille, who was waiting in the lobby along with the other residents gathered around the television to watch the results. Jennifer continued on to the elevator while Katie stayed put next to her brother, who had stopped when Camille blocked his path.

Next thing he knew his left cheek was stinging from a slap that almost deafened him. "Ow! What the hell, Camille?"

"That's for not telling me the truth about Logan."

His right cheek joined the party next, Kendall not quick enough to see it coming and stop the second slap.

"And that's for making out with me even though you were already dating him!"

"Camille, please, calm down, it's not what—"

A third slap came in, this time from his own sister, who had shoved Camille aside. "That's for doing what I told you not to do. How could you do that to you-know-who, Kendall? He's your friend!"

"Jesus, will you just...both of you! Stop!"

Kendall turned to face the crowd in the lobby that was glued to this show rather than the one about to start. "Listen, everybody. It's not true! Logan and I are just friends, it was all a misunderstanding! Please stop believing lies printed by the media!"

"Pictures don't lie," Camille pointed out.

"He was upset and I was consoling him! Why is that so hard to believe?"

"He was upset?" Camille echoed, her entire demeanor changing. "Is he okay? Is there anything I can do?"

"He's fine, but he won't be if everyone keeps believing the lies. We're just friends, okay?"

Almost everyone had the decency to look away guiltily.

"I'm going up to bed now, so please just...watch the show and take me at my word. And please, leave Logan out of everything."

Katie followed him into the elevator, where they were blessedly alone. "Really? It was a lie?"

"The picture's real, but I was just trying to be a good friend. He was upset because he's hanging out with Carlos' parents tonight and he's worried they won't like him. That's all it was, I swear."

"Aww, poor guy. Is he home yet?"

"No, they're having dinner or something. Carlos had his first performance tonight."

"I know, I recorded it. I was gonna beg Mom to let me stay up and watch it when we get upstairs."

"Really? I want to see it!"

"Mom wants to watch your show first, though," Katie sighed. "At least it's only a half hour tonight. Sorry I slapped you. Camille got me riled up."

"You know I'd never hurt Carlos like that, Katie."

"I thought I knew, but..." She shrugged as they left the elevator. "Thank god Mom hasn't heard anything about it."

"She hasn't?" Kendall asked in relief. "I was worried about that. How did you hear it?"

"Scuttlebutter. Mom had to go out and buy me a real phone today because I pulled out the big guns when she told me about yours."

"You cried, didn't you?"

"I do what I have to do. She said that since Gustavo is paying for yours, it was 'manageable' to do just one line."

"That's great until he stops paying for me," Kendall sighed.

"Are you both here?" Jennifer called out when she heard the front door close. "I'm about to start it."

Kendall considered just going to his room, needing some time to clear his head, but then changed his mind because he'd missed some of James' interview due to Lucy's yapping. "Can we fast-forward through the guest?"

"Yes, that's fine. Come sit with me, this is so exciting to see ourselves on TV!"

Kendall and Katie obeyed, the three of them relaxed on a long sofa as they had for most of Kendall's life; it was nice to know that some things hadn't changed.

He watched James closely, noting again that he'd been crying. This time he actually heard the words spoken, though.

"Thanks, man, that one's brand new. We put the final touches on it hours before I had to be here for the show. I was nervous to sing it in front of an audience."

"It's powerful," the host smiled. "What made you choose that song?"

"Hold on," Kendall interrupted. "Is he saying _he_ wrote that song?"

"Sounds like it," Katie agreed. "I didn't know you could sing your own songs on the show."

"You can't! That's got to be cheating! Lucy knew, she _knew_ he wrote it and she didn't tell me! She knows he could be disqualified for that!"

"Can he really?" Jennifer wondered. "Why would he risk that?"

"I'm sure of it. Hang on."

After a few texts back and forth with Kelly, Kendall muttered, "Unbelievable. It's not against the rules. Why didn't Gustavo tell me that?"

"Have you ever written your own songs?" Katie asked.

"Well...no," Kendall admitted.

"That's probably why."

Kendall shook his head. "It's because he has to control every single thing I do. It's not fair!"

"Honey," Jennifer began, "can I just point out that you're winning? I know you hate to be told what to do but it's working for you. Gustavo hasn't steered you wrong yet. James seems to be relying on himself and it's made him lose twice now. Maybe Gustavo has the right idea."

After groaning in frustration because he knew his mother was right, Kendall threw his head back against the cushions. "Still, it doesn't seem fair. I want to be _me_ out there, not some robot controlled by other people."

"You were last night," Jennifer assured him. "That was all you, honey. You didn't write the words but they were exactly what you wanted to say, right?"

"Yeah. And I mean...words aren't exactly my strong suit."

"Exactly. If you wrote a song and he didn't let you perform it, I'd side with you on this. But you haven't, so..."

"Write one!" Katie suggested. "See what happens!"

"I'm not good with words," Kendall sighed.

"Logan is. Maybe he could help you."

It wasn't a horrible idea. "I wouldn't even know what to write about."

"Whatever you're feeling. That's what James did," his little sister shrugged. "And wow, somebody really messed him up."

"No kidding," Jennifer agreed. "That boy definitely had his heart broken. I want to hug him."

"Me, too," Katie admitted.

"Oh, will you both just stop? That's the guy who ruined my life, or did you forget?"

"Of course not, Kendall, but he just looks so sad when he sings."

"It's an act," he said to his mother, though he knew better. "That's how it is in the business, we—" A buzzing from his phone cut off Kendall's words. "Logan's back. Um. We have some things to talk about, so..."

"Go on," his mother nodded. "Just don't be out too late because you have to be back at the studio early."

"I know."

As Kendall was about to step out the door, Katie suggested, "Take the stairs. I don't know where you're going, but I'd avoid as many people as you can tonight."

"Right. Thanks, baby sis."

* * *

"This is torture," Logan groaned the moment he'd closed the cabana's curtains and taken the chair across from Kendall. "I can't even kiss him goodnight, his parents are always there."

"I'm sorry. How long are they staying?"

"A few more days, they wanted to spend time with him. Which is great, but...you know?"

"I know. You miss him. Is he okay, or still panicking?"

"He's a little better; I pointed out that even if his parents think I'm gay, that doesn't necessarily mean he is. And if he has to, he can lie to them and tell them he didn't know."

"That just makes you look bad, though, like you're hiding things from him."

"Yeah. I don't really like that idea. So we decided in the end that he'd tell them the truth if it comes up—it was a misunderstanding and you and I are just friends."

"Which makes it sound like you're _not_ gay, but then you're still lying."

"I know. This whole thing is such a mess. He wants to tell them, I can see it. He can't stand lying to them or hiding anything."

"Would they really be that angry about it if they love him?"

"I don't know them well enough to say. I think his mom would accept it. Not so sure about his dad. But they do love me, so..."

Kendall nodded, glad he wasn't in that position himself. "Maybe being alone isn't so bad after all."

"Except that you're lonely. So you won! We heard it on the radio on the way home. Carlos kept saying, 'I told you. Told you he was better.'"

"Yeah, I won. It was..." Kendall wasn't sure where to start. "It was an interesting night."

"Was Lucy there again?"

"Of course. He can't do anything without her. She's the one he leans on now. She's the one who takes care of him."

Logan's gaze narrowed in the dim light from a lone candle. "You don't like that," he mused. "You're jealous."

"I'm not jealous, I just don't trust her. She's going to break his heart again."

"Since when do you care? He's the enemy, right?"

"I _don't_ care," Kendall stated firmly, then paused to follow it up with, "I mean...I can't allow myself to."

"Kendall," Logan sighed. "It's okay to—"

"No, it's not. I'll lose my edge if I start to think of him as a human being. That's how I always won in hockey, I never saw them as people; they were enemies to be defeated. And that's what James has to stay in my head—an enemy I need to take down."

"Because you have to win," Logan nodded. "To get your revenge."

"Exactly! Wait, are you being sarcastic?"

"A little bit," Logan shrugged. "I just wish you could do this for the sake of yourself, for your own happiness."

"Ruining his future _will_ make me happy."

"Are you sure about that? You were just concerned that someone might break his heart. I'm picking up a lot of mixed signals in there, buddy. I think you're starting to care about him the way you used to, but you're fighting it."

Kendall held his silence for a time, Logan allowing it. Finally Kendall admitted, "He was crying again tonight. I don't know why, but I could tell when he came out for his interview. I um. I actually asked him if he was okay when we were on the stage together."

Logan sat up straight before leaning forward. "And?"

"We went live then, so he never answered. And then I won, and he was gone. I looked into his mom to see if I could figure out why she isn't here. She's too busy running her company, which is how she was when we were kids. Always too busy."

"That's sad," Logan said softly. "No wonder he latches on to people like you and Lucy."

"And whoever broke his heart back in Minnesota. There was definitely a girl who got her claws into him and then obviously just...dropped him. Dude, he wrote one of the songs he performed last night. The 'Why' one? He fucking wrote that."

"Wow, seriously?" Surprised, Logan tried to think back and remember it. "Something about a girl leaving him, right? And why does he have to feel that way?"

"Yeah. Bitter, but also sad. Mom and Katie want to hug him." Kendall rolled his eyes.

"I kind of wanted to after the other song last night. When he broke down at the end? That was intense."

Kendall nodded slowly. "I can't let myself care about him again, Logan. Not while we're in competition. It's just...the more I remember of the past, the more I wonder why he did it."

"Did what?"

"Why he purposely hurt me. He's just not the kind of person to do something like that, he's too weak."

"I still think it was an accident. Especially since he repeatedly apologized for it."

Kendall shrugged, eyes shifting away because he didn't want to entertain that idea.

"When do you have to work with him on the duet?"

"Sometime this week. I don't even know what song we're doing."

"Maybe you'll only have to spend a few hours with him. Or a day at the most."

"That's what I'm hoping. Listen, so now that I know we can write our own songs to perform, I kind of want to write my own. The problem is that I don't write well, and I have no idea what I would write about."

"Maybe Gustavo could work with you on something. He's a songwriter, right?"

"Yeah, but I know he's gonna shoot down the idea. I want to take something to him that's already done, something I can perform for him that he'll actually let me use."

"Well, give it some thought. You still have a few weeks. Three, right?"

"Yeah. I just wondered if maybe you'd be willing to help me write something."

"Me?" Logan's eyes bugged out. "I'm horrible with emotions."

"But you write well, don't you?"

"Um...if it's an essay or a scientific theory! I can't write anything creative like songs or poetry!"

"Then let me handle the emotional part, and you can help me put it into words."

"Okay, but you're horrible with emotions, too. No offense. All you know is how to fight and compete."

Kendall's head fell back on a groan. He knew Logan was right.

"Look," Logan offered. "Why don't you figure out what you want to write about, and we'll talk about it? I'm not promising anything, but if you can maybe just write down some notes about what you want to say, we'll see what we can do with it. Carlos might even be willing to help, he's a little more... _free_ than we are."

"Perfect. I know it's a lot to ask, and I would consider asking someone like Camille but she's mad at me right now. She believed that stupid website."

"Oh, god. Does everyone here know? I was so worried about Carlos' parents that I never thought about the rest of the world."

"Yeah, but I made a speech in the lobby about how it was all lies. Hopefully they believe it."

"Shit. Uncle Reg is gonna flip out. What a mess," Logan said again.

"I'm so sorry. I was just trying to help you."

"I know, and I was grateful for it at the time. But I just realized that if we get caught out here together, it's only going to make things worse. You go in first, I'll wait ten minutes before I leave."

"Okay. I'm really sorry about all of this."

"I know." Logan smiled up at Kendall. "That's the price I pay for being best friends with a famous person."

"Hopefully it's worth it?"

"It is," Logan promised.

* * *

Kendall gave no more thought to songwriting until discussing his next performance with Kelly the following morning. He'd arrived to find her alone in the studio, Kelly explaining when asked that Gustavo was spending half the day in a meeting with Hawk to work out the details of their duet.

"What song are we singing?" Kendall wanted to know.

"They're deciding that now. But since he's forced to hang out with Hawk today, by the time he gets here he'll be in probably the worst mood he's ever been in, so we need to have something ready."

"Did he already choose a song for me to sing?"

"I think he has a few in mind. He said to see what you come up with first, and if it's not good enough we'll go with one of his. So what are we doing?"

Kendall paused, having no idea. "What's the theme this week?"

"Freestyle. The producers didn't know what Gustavo and Hawk would decide on for the duet so they can't really have a set theme. Your pick."

"Uh...I'd really like to write a song of my own."

"I knew this was coming," Kelly sighed. "You can't do it this week, there isn't enough time. Write something in your spare time and if it's ready in a week, we'll consider it for the following one. Right now you need to focus on what you're doing this Monday."

"I don't have anything in mind," Kendall admitted, hating that he'd probably be forced to sing something Gustavo shoved down his throat. "I just know I want to pick it."

"You've got about fifteen minutes to decide."

Feeling pressured, Kendall's anxiety started to climb. "I don't know! Don't put me on the spot, it makes it harder to think!"

Taking pity on him, Kelly took his arm and led him out into a hallway. "I need coffee. What are you feeling this week? Same things as before, just wanting to find love?"

Kendall thought it over and admitted, "Honestly, that's not even a concern right now. I don't know what changed."

"Okay...how about that fire and taking down your enemy? We could work with that."

Hesitating again, Kendall finally said, "That's...I mean...I don't know. Mostly I'm just kind of...confused."

"Confused?"

"Yeah."

Kelly pulled two cups down from a cupboard and poured coffee into each one. "About what?"

"A lot of things," Kendall sighed. "There's just so much going on and I feel like I can't keep up. What's the latest on the rumors about me and Logan?"

"The assholes deleted the post," Kelly answered with satisfaction. "Haven't you checked your Scuttlebutter today? They replied to you with an apology."

"I keep forgetting."

"I'm serious, Kendall, fifteen minutes a day. Get on it and reply to fans. Do it now."

"I thought I was supposed to find a song right now."

"Let me see what I can do. You just worry about keeping the fans you already have."

Though he wasn't sure where to start, Kendall scrolled through his mentions and replied to a few fans who'd complimented his performance and/or congratulated him on his win. He was shocked to see that he already had over five thousand followers even though he'd only created the account the previous afternoon. "This is insane," he murmured.

He couldn't help but wonder if James had more, figuring he probably did since his account had been in place for a longer period of time. Sure enough, James had almost twice the amount he did. Though Kendall looked, he didn't see anything that might give him a clue as to what would have upset James the night before. There was one reply that caught his eye, though, to someone named heartofstone. It read, "You know I couldn't have done it without you." and was followed by a red heart.

Kendall clicked on that reply, and it opened up a dialogue. The comment James was replying to said, "Who cares if you didn't win? You still kicked ass on your song. LOVE IT."

His suspicion was proved right when Kendall clicked on the profile of heartofstone. "Lucy," he scowled. There was no picture of her on her account (surely an attempt to hide from Mommy and Daddy), but her icon was her album cover. "God, keep it off the Internet. Nobody needs to see your gross PDA."

Kendall returned to James' profile to note that he'd been answering fans in the middle of the night and wondered if Lucy had been present. Were they already spending the night together, as Logan and Carlos were? Why did everything move so fast out here? What ever happened to a first date, holding hands and maybe kissing goodnight?

He wasn't being fair, though; Logan and Carlos had done it properly. They'd just jumped into the next step extremely fast. Even Camille was propositioning him during their first conversation. On Kendall's first date (whenever that might possibly be), he'd be content to do nothing more than hold hands or—

 _You're lying_ , his mind whispered. _All it would take is for a hot guy to kiss you and you'd be dropping your pants in two seconds._

It was true, even the thought of it was getting him hot. Stupid hormones. He was jealous of Carlos and Logan in that sense, jealous of James and Lucy, jealous of everyone who had found someone to love and care for.

Did Lucy even know how to take care of James properly, though? Did she know that no matter how brave of a front he put up, horror movies terrified him so much that he had hide his face in your shoulder? Did she know that he sometimes cried over his mother not being around enough? Did she know that nothing made James happier when he was down than a mug of hot cocoa with whipped cream and freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies?

 _That was ten years ago, Kendall. He's grown up. He's probably not like that anymore. Face it, the James Diamond you left behind is gone now. You taught him to be strong, and now he is._

But was he really? Glancing around to make sure Kelly was nowhere near, Kendall used the video sharing site Logan had accessed once before and found James' performance of the song he'd written. He paid more attention to the lyrics this time, hearing what he'd not really listened to before.

 _As I crawl beneath this torture you adore_

 _I fall face to face with my scars you've ignored_

 _Yeah you leave, you're gone_

 _And I'm left here with the blame_

 _Now I pause to let my silence scream tonight_

 _While you roam like a serpent satellite_

 _Tell me why I gotta feel this way_

"You are still the same," he whispered. "The same scared little boy who just wants to be protected. Dammit, James, why couldn't you just stay an asshole?"

Kelly broke into his thoughts upon returning. "Okay, so I found a bunch of songs about being lost and confused and feeling pressured but—"

"No. Forget that. I know what I want to sing about."

"What?"

"I need a song about comforting someone else who is all of those things."

One of Kelly's eyebrows shot up. "Kendall, are you sure you and Logan aren't—"

"Kelly, please, Logan has nothing to do with this. I know exactly what I want to say but I don't have time to write it myself. Help me find something telling someone everything's gonna be okay and I'm here for him. Or her," he added quickly, face reddening.

Though Kelly didn't miss the slip, she let it go and grabbed him by the arm again. "Get your coffee. Let's go sit in the studio and figure this out."

Kendall obeyed, hoping he wasn't making a huge mistake. He couldn't say any of the things he wanted to James' face, but he could sure as hell speak it to him in the form of song.

* * *

Together they searched through a wide catalog of songs, Kelly using certain keywords and phrases to find what Kendall was looking for. Many songs were close, but not quite right. When he read the lyrics to the one he eventually chose, he knew it immediately.

"This one. This is it."

"Okay, let's listen to it. Gustavo should be back in a few hours and we need you to be able to at least sing along to it."

She frowned when the music began to play, shaking her head as a haunting, melancholy voice broke in. "No. Absolutely not."

"But it's what I want to say!"

"I don't care, Gustavo will never go for this. This isn't going to win you votes. It's sad, depressing, and honestly kind of dark."

"But it's a song about inviting someone to open their soul, about someone who's broken and needs a safe place."

"You kind of already sang that this past week."

"This is different. Trust me, this is what I need to sing."

"Gustavo's never gonna go for it."

"Just put it on repeat so I can learn it. Let me handle Gustavo."

That was easier said than done, their later argument turning into a screaming match due to Gustavo's bad mood and Kendall's unwillingness to compromise.

"You're not singing that song!" the producer yelled.

"Yes, I am!"

"It's too slow! It'll put people to sleep!"

"It's mesmerizing and haunting, it'll draw them in!"

"No, Kendall, it's depressing!"

"It is not, it's a positive song! And so what if it's slow, James sang a piano ballad the other night!"

"But he played the victim in that. He got sympathy votes. Besides, he didn't win! This only proves my point!"

"I don't care! It's what I want to say and I'm singing this damn song!"

"You're not here to convey messages!" Gustavo roared. "This isn't about what you feel or what you want! It's about winning, and you seem to have forgotten that!"

"I've won both nights so far, don't tell me I don't know how to win."

"And that's because you were following my orders! I won't have some angry kid from—"

"Enough!" Kelly screamed, getting between them. "That's enough! Gustavo, if he bombs this, it's one night. He's still got two wins under his belt and one night won't keep him from winning in the long run."

"It lessens our lead, the numbers were much closer last night than the week before. Diamond killed it with his stupid ballad and almost stole the win from us this time but—"

"Then let me try to kill with a ballad, too," Kendall begged, having to stop and blink when he realized what he'd said. Since when was he the type to want to sing a sappy ballad? "I can sell this, Gustavo. You have to trust me. I wasn't wrong about the last two songs, was I?"

"No, but they weren't cold and depressing."

"Neither is this. Just...listen to the lyrics. It's an uplifting song, believe it or not."

"It's not even right for you vocally. You don't do brooding and haunting. It's more something Diamond could pull off."

"I know," Kendall admitted. "It's not really my style. But it's exactly the message I need to get across. Please. Let me sing this."

Seeing that Gustavo was weakening slightly, Kelly tried again. "How about this? Let him do the song, and if he loses, he follows your orders from now on. No questions asked. Deal, Kendall?"

Kendall glared at her, not liking that at all.

"It's the only way you're going to win this argument," Kelly stated.

Kendall let out a long, frustrated groan. "Fine. Fine, if I lose next week, I'll do whatever you say for the rest of the competition. Deal?"

Gustavo looked as if he knew better than to believe Kendall would ever willingly bend to him, but finally he nodded and shook Kendall's hand. "Deal. I'm holding you to this. We'll do what we can to make you sound good on this one, but it really isn't going to go well."

"Thank you. It's that important to me."

Gustavo rolled his eyes and turned away as he said, "We've got two days to perfect it because Saturday is a joint session with the assholes to get the duet ready."

Kendall nodded, having expected it; his stomach tightened anyway. "How does that work?"

"We decided on a song and highlighted your parts. Here."

Kendall took the sheet of paper Gustavo lifted from his desk and skimmed it, noting the lyrics seemed familiar. "Queen? We're doing Queen?"

"Sort of, you'll be David Bowie for it. Diamond is singing Freddie Mercury's parts since he has a higher vocal range and...as we saw the other night, can channel the man well."

"But that's just gonna make him sound better."

"Which is why I argued so strongly against the song," Gustavo replied. "This one will fit Diamond, so I didn't want to do it. Hawk accused me of trying to favor my own contestant, though—"

"Well, duh," Kendall inserted before Gustavo continued.

"So the producers sided with him. Your parts are highlighted in pink, his green, and the purple is both of you. The good news is I think you can handle Bowie's range well."

"When do I learn this?"

"We'll have to squeeze it in between rehearsal of your solo and our joint session. Do you at least know the song?"

"I've heard it a few times," Kendall shrugged. "Never really paid attention."

"Well, pay attention now. I'm going to shove an entire pizza in my mouth so I can function, and then we'll get to work on your solo. Kelly, make sure he eats something."

"On it."

When left alone in the office, Kendall looked over the lyrics again. A lot of James' lines were nonsense words that made him chuckle. "Good luck with that, Diamond." Thankfully his were all actual words and phrases that made sense. What would their voices sound like together? Probably not nearly as good as Mercury and Bowie.

Still, it would be a chance for Kendall to really study James and see how he was faring. James would surely hate him for the entire session, but he supposed he deserved that.

If nothing else, it would motivate Kendall to perform better.

* * *

A/N—The song Hawk and Gustavo chose for the duet is "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So because I had a very stressful day at work, you guys get another chapter tonight! Don't ask me why, but posting cheers me up. I also probably won't have time to post much over the next few weeks due to a weird work schedule and two vacations (to see someone we all know and love in concert, which is exciting), so I want to get as much up now as I can and I'll try to post more before I leave. Thanks for sticking with this story. I know Kendall's hard-headed but his walls are finally coming down. :) Enjoy!

* * *

Kendall worked hard on the new song, having to find the right tone because Gustavo was correct in his assertion that it wasn't Kendall's style. Still, Kendall persisted, and by the time they finished up rehearsal late Friday night, Gustavo had deemed it "adequate" and said they'd work more on it Sunday.

Outside the studio, not much changed. Kendall was able to check in with Logan via text a few times per day, and because Carlos' parents weren't leaving until Saturday, Logan was going crazy to be alone with him. _"I never knew I could be addicted to sex,"_ he texted at one point, giving Kendall a much-needed laugh during a particularly grueling afternoon. Kendall reminded him it was only for a couple of days and that he'd survive.

Saturday arrived before Kendall was ready for it, unexplained nerves running through him as he walked into Rocque Records for the joint rehearsal. Because Hawk had gotten his way on the song choice, Gustavo insisted on holding the session at his own studio, and the producers had allowed it. James was already there, sipping at a cup of what appeared to be coffee but as Kendall got closer to pour a cup of his own, a whiff of the unmistakable scent of hot cocoa floated to him. Kendall barely hid his grin, prompting James to scowl at him.

"Whatever insult you're about to throw my way, stuff it. It's too early in the morning."

"Just getting myself some coffee," Kendall replied. "You never were a morning person."

The comment surprised James, who immediately turned a suspicious glare on him but was saved a reply by Kelly and Rebecca entering the small kitchenette.

It was Kelly who spoke after greeting Kendall with a smile. "Okay, now that you're both here, head on over to the studio. Gustavo and Hawk are waiting."

Half-expecting them to be arguing when they entered, Kendall instead saw the two of them sitting behind the controls looking sullen as they sipped their own coffee. It was obvious neither wanted to be there.

Rebecca passed James a copy of their highlighted lyrics, then one to Kendall as well, and pointed them both to the booth. The studio was too small for four people to inhabit comfortably, so the women left their bosses to it after Kelly gave Kendall a look that said, "Play nice or we'll have words later." Kendall nodded, amused.

"You _have_ rehearsed the song, haven't you?" Gustavo demanded while looking at James.

"No," James answered, and before Gustavo could start yelling he added, "but I know it well enough that I really didn't need to."

Kendall glanced over at him. "You do love your Queen, don't you?"

James rolled his eyes before talking to Kendall as if he was an idiot. "They played this song at every hockey game, how could we not know it?"

Had they? That must be why the song was familiar to Kendall, though he'd never realized it. "I was too busy actually focusing on the plays and huddles to pay attention to that," he sneered. "You know, being a proper captain."

"Well, some of us can do more than one thing at a time."

Kendall's jaw dropped slightly, Hawk turning a laugh into a cough when Gustavo glared at him. James Diamond most definitely had a backbone now. Kendall felt the tingle start in his body, the one that Logan said kicked in when he was challenged.

"Let's just make it through this without killing each other," Gustavo suggested.

Hawk ignored that and said, "Kendall, you've rehearsed it plenty?"

"Uh..." The truth was he hadn't, having spent most of his studio time working out his solo song. He'd listened to the song repeatedly, though, trying to at least get the melody and words down. "Enough."

"That's a no," James sighed in irritation.

"Shut up, I rehearsed it!"

"Kendall, I always know when you're lying. Stop lying."

"I know the song," he argued, voice taking on an edge of anger. "You're the one who needs to worry, with all that bababa crap. What kind of lyrics are those anyway?"

"They're just noises that work with the song," James replied. "Like hums. Don't insult Freddie, he was a genius."

"Freddie? Oh sorry, I didn't realize you two were on a first-name basis."

"He's one of my idols, and I swear if you keep talking about him like that your mouth will be so swollen you won't be to open it, let alone sing Monday night. Got it?"

James had turned to face him as he spoke, ending the threat with a gleam of steel in his hazel eyes that had never been there as a child, except maybe on the ice. Kendall felt his body heating up, his gaze skating over James' flawless skin and up to the bangs that hung naturally, just the way Kendall liked them. There was no way he was going to survive an entire day in a tiny sound booth with James.

"Enough," Gustavo interrupted. "Kendall, do you need time to get the song down?"

"We were supposed to have our contestants ready," Hawk protested. "You knew that. I should've expected such unprofessionalism from you."

"Unprofessionalism?" Gustavo echoed. "That's not even a word, George, why not try picking up a dictionary once in awhile?"

"It is so a word, one that you should know well since your picture is listed as the definition for it. You brought your pupil in here completely unprepared even though—"

"He's not a pupil, this isn't grammar school, you idiot. We're—"

Kendall couldn't help but chuckle softly. "They're as bad as we are, aren't they?"

James looked to his left as if to gauge Kendall's intent, but Kendall wasn't even looking at him. "Worse, because they've been at it longer."

"You sure about that? I think their rivalry started about the same time ours did. According to Kelly, anyway."

"I guess it depends on when you consider the start of our rivalry. The day you moved away? Or the day you treated me like a piece of shit?"

"What?" Having no idea what James was talking about, Kendall never heard the answer because Kelly chose that moment to poke her head in and yell at all of them.

"If I don't hear singing in the next thirty seconds, I'm sending everyone home and you can all look like idiots on live television Monday night. Understand?"

Gustavo goggled at her. "How did you know we were fighting?"

"Because I know you. Now get to work!"

She slammed the door, the four men staring around at each other in shock.

Gustavo cleared his throat and started the track (minus vocals, of course), leaving Kendall and James no choice but to focus.

The well-known bass line came in, Kendall glad it was James who was supposed to come in first as he was nervous again. James perfectly recreated the opening "hums."

 _Mmm num ba de  
Dum bum ba be  
Doo buh dum ba beh beh_

Though Kendall was impressed with how well James handled it, he had to work hard to hide the laugh wanting to break free at the nonsensical sounds. For some reason it cracked him up.

"Kendall!"

The music suddenly stopped, Hawk rolling his eyes while Gustavo looked on in annoyance and waited for Kendall's attention.

"What?"

"You missed your cue."

"I...what?" Kendall looked down at his paper and saw that the first actual words were supposed to be sung by him. "Oh. Sorry."

"He's as professional as you are," Hawk said sarcastically.

"Shut it," Gustavo commanded. To the boys, he ordered, "Again."

The music started from the beginning, Kendall still having trouble keeping a straight face when James started with his "dum bum beh beh" crap, but this time he didn't miss his cue.

 _Pressure pushing down on me_

 _Pressing down on you, no man ask for_

James joined him for the next word, then it was James for the rest of the line.

 _...that burns a building down, splits a family in two_

Suddenly Gustavo threw his headphones down. "What are you doing?"

Kendall jumped. "What now?"

"That was you! Look at your paper instead of staring around the room like an idiot!"

He'd missed his cue again. The problem was that Kendall didn't know _where_ to look because James' voice was like a hot knife cutting through smooth butter when he sang, and Kendall had never had to witness it this close; he was having a hard time forcing himself to look anywhere but at James. His cheeks heated up, embarrassment washing over him because he could feel the contempt radiating from next to him. If anyone knew that he didn't belong in a recording studio, it was James. Hadn't he even said something like that?

 _You don't belong here._

"Sorry," Kendall mumbled. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Well, send it packing because some of us would actually like to leave here today. Got it?"

"Yeah. It won't happen again."

"It better not."

Kendall felt James' gaze moving back and forth between them, humiliation pissing him off. "Stop staring at me!" he lashed out at James, whose expression showed his shock; Kendall immediately felt bad. "It doesn't help," he added in a slightly nicer tone.

"I wasn't staring at you."

"Fine. Just...let's do this."

They started over one more time, Kendall barely noticing the nonsense words he'd found so amusing two minutes earlier. He was ready this time when James finished his line, eyes glued to the paper in his hand.

 _Puts people on streets_

James spouted off more nonsense, putting his everything into it in a way Kendall found more attractive than he would've admitted under threat of death. Rather than let it intimidate him, he took strength from James and used it to fuel the chorus, which was mostly him.

 _It's the terror of knowing what this world is about_

 _Watching some good friends screaming_

They joined together for "Let me out!" before James continued on his own for one line.

 _Pray tomorrow gets me higher_

 _Pressure on people, people on streets_

Now that he was more calm, the next round of nonsense words set Kendall off again; this time he wasn't able to control it.

James elbowed him, which only made him giggle harder.

"Knock it off, you're messing me up!" James hissed, but surprisingly he didn't sound angry.

"Sorry, it's just so stupid."

"It's not! You just don't have any taste."

Hawk's voice jumped in when the music stopped. "Children, can we please get back to work here?"

"Sorry," both of them intoned. The music started up again and James did the sounds while Kendall barely managed to hold on. Every shred of amusement dropped away when James' voice went up an octave (or three) on the next line.

 _Chipping around, kick my brains round the floor_

 _These are the days it never rains but it pours_

The high notes sent chills through Kendall, raising goosebumps on his arms in a way that told him other parts of his body were wide awake as well.

"Kendall, you're supposed to be humming in the background."

Kendall barely heard Gustavo's words. He shifted his legs at the discomfort growing inside his jeans. "Can we get some stools in here or something?" When Gustavo gave him a disbelieving look, he added, "My knee's bothering me today."

James had the decency to look away in shame. "Get him a stool."

"Sure, why don't we just do this out in the lobby since we'd probably get just as much work done out there?!" Gustavo roared.

James threw down his paper and stalked out of the booth, leaving everyone else bewildered.

"See, you pissed him off," Hawk accused the other two. "He's a professional, Gustavo, he doesn't like to goof off. He actually cares about his career, unlike the two of you who—"

Gustavo opened his mouth to go off when James silenced him by returning to the room with a stool, which he set behind Kendall. "Thanks," Kendall managed softly, touched by the kind gesture.

James refused to look at him. "Let's just move on."

After Kendall seated himself and arranged his shirt to cover any "accidents" that might continue to pop up during the session, he gave the signal it was safe to continue.

They made it back to where they'd left off, Kendall's body betraying him again at the high notes but he was hidden now, so he didn't worry about it. He hummed when he was supposed to, managing to hold down his laughter while James sang nonsense in time with it, and in doing so discovered something he never would've guessed.

He enjoyed singing with James.

This time when they reached the chorus, Kendall felt the music and gave his all while James belted out the highest note yet next to him.

It was a turn-on like he'd never known before, better even than kissing Logan or Carlos had been. He felt the need to escape but fought it, channeling his desire into the song instead so they sang the next bit in hushed voices that worked beautifully together.

 _Turned away from it all like a blind man_

 _Sat on a fence, but it don't work_

Kendall took the next line solo, then James stepped into a note so strong and beautiful that Kendall actually shivered.

 _Why...why...why..._

As the word crescendoed higher and higher, Kendall's body was rocked with electricity so powerful he had to run from the booth. He sprinted down the hall and into a nearby bathroom, locking himself in and ignoring the way his knee was yelling at him. "Fuck," he panted, knowing there was only one thing that would get him through the rest of this day. He closed his eyes and opened his pants, going to work quickly so that the orgasm shook him less than thirty seconds later. By that time Kelly had reached the door and he returned to himself to hear her pounding on it.

"Kendall! Kendall, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, then tried again in a louder voice. "Sick." It would do.

"Do you need a doctor?"

"No!" he called back. "Just five minutes. And some water!"

"I'll take care of it."

When he was blessedly alone again, Kendall cleaned himself up and washed his hands and face. He could only imagine what Logan would have to say about this, should he decide to share the details.

"Stupid hormones," he muttered, scowling at himself in the mirror. "Stupid high notes."

It was actually ten minutes before he returned to the booth, a cold bottle of water in hand and James staring at him anxiously. "What happened?"

"Just something I ate. Made me sick. Sorry."

"It's fine, just...you okay?"

This was the James Diamond who had been his friend through all of the chaos Kendall suffered during the time they'd known each other. Unsure how to deal with that, he nodded. "Yeah. Thanks."

Even Gustavo seemed concerned. "Kendall, you gonna make it through this?"

"I'll do my best. Sorry," he said to Hawk. "I know we don't have a lot of time here."

Hawk said nothing.

"Okay," Gustavo began. "Let's try again, from the beginning."

They did well the next time through, right up until a long string of "Ee do ba be" that Kendall couldn't fight. He dissolved into giggles, watching James lose his focus until he was laughing as well. "Stop it! I swear you're doing this on purpose, and when we get out there in front of the live audience you're going to throw me off so I lose."

"No, I'm not!" Kendall promised. "It's just so funny! Like...come on, think about it for a second. You're sitting in a studio writing this song and you just start...be do ee bop bum dum...like...who does that?"

"A musical genius, that's who. Sometimes you just feel the music and it comes out. Or at least, _some_ people do."

"I didn't hear any of that shit in the song you wrote."

James froze. "You know I wrote that?"

"You kind of made it obvious during the interview."

"I didn't think you'd watch that."

Kendall shrugged. "Mom likes to go back and watch the show when we get home."

"Um, excuse me, but if social hour is over, we have a song to sing."

"For once, I'm in agreement with Gustavo," Hawk commented. "Please, boys, let's just get through the song."

"Sorry," they intoned again, properly shamed. James said to Kendall, "Look, can we just call a truce for this one song? It's in both our interests to perform it well. I know you'd love to make me look bad, but if you do it in a duet, it hurts you, too."

Kendall considered that, then nodded. "Fine."

"And you'll stop trying to mess me up?"

"I'm really not," Kendall promised. "It's the song."

"Just don't look at me when I sing. That's what throws me off."

"No problem there."

The next time they actually made it through (Kendall unable to fight the shivering and goosebumps but at least able to control the other), and at the end when their voices joined in together in harmony, Kendall purposely stared down at his paper rather than look at James.

It was the only way he could make it through the words that reverberated deeply within him.

 _Insanity laughs, under pressure we're breaking_

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?  
Why can't we give love that one more chance?  
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love  
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?

 _Because love's such an old fashioned word_ _  
_ _And love dares you to care for  
The people on the edge of the night  
And love dares you to change our way of  
Caring about ourselves_ _  
_This is our last dance  
This is our last dance _  
_ _This is ourselves under pressure_ _  
_ _Under pressure  
Pressure_

* * *

" _Cabana. Now. Please be home."_

Luckily Kendall was just walking through the front entrance of the hotel when Logan's text came through. He detoured to the right, using the passage to emerge into the pool area and dipping through closed curtains.

"What's wrong?"

Logan was still dressed in his work uniform, minus the blazer, and his hair looked as if he'd run a hand through it fifty times. "He told them."

"Carlos?" Kendall dropped into the empty chair. "He told them about you guys?"

"Yes. He didn't warn me first, he said he just couldn't lie to them anymore and it was killing him. Which I knew, but...I thought we'd do it together. Or that he'd give me a heads up."

"He didn't?"

"No, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing while they were eating dinner, I guess. He texted me to tell me and I freaked out. I called him at the apartment and he couldn't say a lot because they were right there, but then he came down to the lobby and we talked at the desk. As well as we could."

"Well, how did they take it?"

"Shock. He said they were both completely shocked and that his dad didn't even know what to say. His mom asked a lot of questions, like how long has this been going on and when did he know he was gay and that sort of thing. He told them the truth about it all, that I'm his first guy and we've only been dating for a few weeks. Obviously left out that we're already sleeping together."

"I would hope so, they can only handle so much at once."

"Yeah. His mom said she likes me and once she gets used to the idea, she'll probably be okay with it. Dad...I'm not so sure. I'm afraid to see him again."

"They're leaving tomorrow?"

"They were supposed to leave today, and I wish they had because this wouldn't have happened. They decided to stay one more day and make it the weekend."

"How's he doing?"

"I haven't had a lot of time to talk to him. He said his dad kept saying he would ruin his career. That he was more worried about that than anything else."

"Not a bad thing," Kendall pointed out. "It means the gay thing isn't the worst part of it. Nor are you."

"I know," Logan sighed. "His dad's right to worry about that."

"Yeah. As long as nobody else knows, you're fine, right?"

"Right. You know what's funny, is that they never even heard about that picture of you and me. I was so scared of that outing me but no, it was Carlos himself who did it."

Kendall grinned. "He's so proud of you. Where is he now?"

"With them. I'm supposed to text him when I get to my apartment so we can talk on the phone. His parents should be in bed by then."

"Why not just go up there and see him in person?"

"Because I don't know how they'd feel about that. Plus, I'd probably end up trying to kiss him or something, it's been almost a week and I'm going crazy. Then we'd get caught and it would be a huge blow-up."

"Why are you sitting down here with me then? You should be inside calling him."

"I know, I just needed to talk it out. Promise me I won't lose him, that his dad won't convince him to give me up for the career."

Kendall started to reach for Logan's hand, then remembered what had happened the last time and dropped his own. They might be in a closed-off tent, but he still didn't trust Lucy. "He won't. Carlos loves you, that's why he finally had to just do it. He's tired of hiding it."

"He still can't tell anybody."

"But his parents know, and they mean a lot to him. That's all he cares about. Besides you."

"Okay," Logan nodded, letting Kendall's words boost him up. "I'm choosing to believe you."

"Good."

"Before I go, how'd the duet thing work out?"

"Uh. You should probably get going before Carlos falls—"

"Oh, no. No way, Kendall, I can tell by the way you won't look at me that something happened. Spill."

"Nothing happened. We sang together, Lucy showed up two hours into it and never left, and I spent the afternoon working on my solo song."

Logan considered that. "He brought her to the duet session?"

"She brought him food. I'm sure it was just an excuse, though; heaven forbid he do something on his own."

"Was she rude to you?"

"She sat in the studio with Gustavo and Hawk. Didn't say much, honestly, but there was so much silent communication going on I wanted to throw up. When we broke for lunch, they disappeared together and didn't come back until Rebecca texted him."

"Wow." Logan shook his head, then said, "You know, the craziest part of that is the fact that it so obviously bothered you. When are you gonna accept that you miss him and want his friendship back?"

"Logan, please don't start with me. It was a shitty day and I had to sit there and be yelled at and demeaned by Gustavo while James watched. I'm sure he was loving every second."

"Did the duet go well at least?"

"Once we decided to call a truce and stop fighting only for this performance, sure. Until then it sucked."

"A truce? Really?"

"Just while we're doing the song. After that, we're back to being enemies."

"So...does that mean you weren't enemies today?" Logan wondered.

"We hardly talked at all once Lucy showed up. I mean, we were mostly singing, but...you know."

"I'm not sure I do. Doesn't sound like I'm going to get anything else out of you, though, so I'm giving up for tonight. Is there something more you needed to talk about?"

"Nope. We insulted each other and sang together. End of story."

"Okay. If you change your mind..."

"I won't. Night, Logan."

"Goodnight." Keeping in mind that they needed to leave separately, Logan started to step through the curtains. He made it all the way out before Kendall caved and dragged him back in.

"Okay, stuff happened. I really don't want to talk about it but I can't stop thinking about it and...it's horrible. It's the worst thing that could happen."

Logan dropped back into the chair, leaning forward in anticipation. "I knew it! What happened? Did you get jealous watching them kiss or something?"

"No, they didn't...at least not where I could see. Logan...I want him." It was perhaps the hardest thing Kendall had ever had to admit. "I'm attracted to him. I get off on his singing and I had to run to the bathroom and um. I almost came in the booth with him. From his singing alone. What the fuck is going on?"

"Whoa," Logan whispered. "So it's not just the challenge? His voice gets you off, too?"

"Apparently. I remember the first time I heard him sing, there was some kind of reaction. And the first night, I could only watch part of his performance because I didn't like the way it made me feel. His voice is incredible."

"I know," Logan nodded. "You knew that, though. You've heard him sing. What was different today?"

"The high notes. The passion. They're making us do a Queen song and it's one that he really likes with all these high notes and there's this one part where he screams 'why' over and over and I have to start singing while he's doing it and I can barely even function. That's when I had to run out, it was too much. I couldn't stop shivering."

"Did he know why? Did Lucy?"

"She wasn't there yet, not when that happened. They all believed me when I told them I ran off to throw up. He actually um...seemed concerned."

"Because he's a nice guy," Logan smiled. "We keep telling you that."

"Look, don't tell me what James is like. Nobody knows that better than I do."

"Except maybe Lucy."

"She's known him for two weeks. I spent almost three years with him."

"As a kid," Logan reminded him. "He's grown up and changed a lot, I'm sure."

"He's not so different," Kendall argued, remembering the hot cocoa. "And when he was asking if I was okay...it felt like the old James. The one who used to be my friend."

"The one who never chose to stop being that. Am I right?"

"I had to move, Logan, get off my back about it."

"We've been through this, you were the one who stopped keeping in touch."

"I was eight years old, what was I supposed to do? Write him letters?"

"I don't know, you could've hung out with him when you met up for games."

 _I know you probably have to get back now, but my mom will be here soon and we could all go out for..._

Kendall remembered James starting to invite him somewhere the first time they'd met after his move. He hadn't finished, though, because...

"He tried," Kendall admittedly softly. "He tried to get me to hang out with him after one of the games and I um..."

"What?"

"I kind of blew him off. Not to be mean, I didn't mean to be a dick for anything. But we couldn't be friends, you know?"

"Right, right, enemies to the death and all that." Logan waved a hand in dismissal. "Look where it's gotten you now. You can't even sit in a booth with him and not want to fuck him."

"Who said anything about fucking him? His voice gave me chills, big deal."

"Kendall. Just stop for a second. Stop fighting this so hard. I get that you want to win and you want him to pay, but can you at least be honest about the fact that you're attracted to him? You said it yourself five minutes ago!"

"But I don't want to be! It's going to ruin everything if I can't hate him. Besides, he's got a girlfriend and he's not into guys anyway. So it's really stupid to even think of him as something besides an enemy."

"What about a friend?"

"A friend I want to fuck? That wouldn't go well."

"No. But at least you admit it now."

Kendall shook his head. "I just have to make it through three more weeks. We hardly see each other anyway and the next time we're together will be on a stage in front of millions of people. That will protect me."

"From what, exactly?"

"You know. From caring. From wanting him."

"Even though he'll be singing at his best."

"We agreed today that we'll both be at opposite ends of the stage. No need to even look at him."

"Okay." Logan shrugged. "Then you're good. Nothing at all to worry about."

"Exactly."

Logan stood up, Kendall not missing the smirk on his face. "Let me know when you actually believe that."

"Fuck you."

"Nah, I don't think Carlos would like that," Logan winked. "Just try not to think too hard about it. Don't make it this huge thing in your head. Sing your songs and focus on that and before you know it, the contest will be over and one of you will be going back home."

"Right."

It was good advice. The only problem was that "singing his songs" wasn't going to make him forget, because his next solo song had been chosen with James in mind.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This site has foiled me again. I didn't realize when posting an earlier chapter that this site won't let you use the "at" symbol, so Scuttlebutter names are missing that at the beginning. For that reason, I'm going to use this symbol (#) instead of the other, so for example when you read #heartofstone, pretend it's the correct symbol. Okay? Okay.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting the next chapter before I go on vacation this week or not, so forgive me if you have to wait a long time for it. We'll see how the next few days go. Thanks for being patient either way. :)

* * *

Kendall worked on his solo song and his parts of the duet all of Sunday so that it passed in a blur. He checked in with Logan long enough to learn that Carlos' parents had finally flown out and there was no sign of Carlos leaving him, which didn't surprise Kendall in the slightest (nor did Logan's news that he and Carlos had sex three times during Logan's extended lunch break).

Before he knew it, his alarm was going off and he was forced to roll out of bed and shower for the start of a third week of live television. He'd expected to work hard, but not that he would be so exhausted from it. Physically, he'd put in more effort with hockey every day; he was learning now that mental exertion could be just as, if not more, taxing to the body. He kissed his mother goodbye, returned Katie's high five, and was out the door by 11:30 to make it to Rocque Records at noon.

"Have you been replying to your fans?" was Kelly's first question.

"Shit," Kendall groaned. "I meant to last night and I forgot."

"Do it now. Twenty minutes before we run through the songs a few times, and grab some tea while you're at it to warm up those vocal chords."

Kendall had never been a huge fan of hot tea before moving here, but he'd since grown to completely detest it. He stuck out his tongue at her after she turned away ("I saw that!"), then followed orders. With a steaming mug and his phone opened to the Scuttlebutter app, Kendall studiously replied to strangers who for some reason thought he was amazing.

He had to admit, it made him feel good.

Of course, Diamond's ten thousand fans probably said all the same things, and twice as often. Kendall noted that his own follower count had risen slightly from the day before, then checked Diamond's account. He was holding steady.

"I'll catch up to you. Tonight's gonna get me there."

Truthfully, Kendall wasn't so sure of that. He didn't feel very confident on the duet, and Gustavo had spent most of the past week trying to change his mind about his solo song. He'd steadfastly refused, reminding Gustavo of their deal. He might lose it all tonight, but at least he would have spoken the words in his heart to get them out in the open. It didn't matter that no one would know who he was singing to. He knew, and that was enough.

His phone buzzed as he was sipping at the horrid honey-laced tea and he looked down to see a notification that almost made him spit out his drink.

 _#heartofstone is now following you!_

Was she fucking serious? Lucy, following him? Why?

 _To keep tabs on me. Of course. That bitch, she's determined to try to ruin me. Just like her boyfriend._

The venom wasn't quite as potent these days, though, as Kendall was having a harder and harder time believing that James had purposely ruined his life. He clicked on James' profile and scrolled through the posts from the past few days.

James was good about replying to fans, no question of that. When did he find the time? Or perhaps he had Lucy do that for him, or even Rebecca. But no, the more Kendall read, the more he was positive it was James himself based on the words and phrases he used. There was no way Kendall could compete with this.

His eye caught on one post that stood out from the rest because it wasn't a reply of any kind nor was it some kind of promotion reminding fans to watch the show. It had been sent out late Saturday night, probably right around the time Kendall was falling into bed—two sentences that caused Kendall's heart to lurch.

 _Remember when we were such fools? I won't forget you my friend._

There was no reason at all for Kendall to think that was about him, and he knew in his head that it was much more likely about someone else. Still, his stomach dropped and his hands trembled slightly as he stared at the words. Were they song lyrics?

He spent three minutes researching that before giving up; just like the ones he and Logan had searched for before, if they were, the song wasn't published.

Kendall went back to the post and clicked on it this time, noting the replies from many who asked if that was a song lyric. He also came across a reply from Lucy, who'd sent James a simple black heart in answer to it. This one wasn't about her, though; Kendall knew that much. Out of all the replies to that one post, James had acknowledged only hers, and done so with a red heart.

"Puke. You two make me sick."

"What? Are you feeling sick again?"

Kendall looked up from his phone to shake his head at Kelly, who'd walked in to hear the end of that. "No. No, just...never mind. I answered a bunch of fans, are you happy?"

"That depends. Are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did it make _you_ happy?"

Kendall hadn't thought about it. "Yeah, I guess it did."

"Good! You ready for rehearsal?"

Shaking off the mood James' Scuttlebutter post had sent him into, Kendall stood. "Let's do it."

* * *

Kendall peeked out at the audience from the side curtain, grinning in shock when he saw Carlos sitting between Katie and Logan in the front row. He shot Logan a text, eagerly reading the reply.

" _He had the night off and wanted to come. Kelly made it happen."_

" _That's so awesome! You're not worried about someone seeing you two together?"_

" _He's here as your friend, if anyone questions it. You know him from the hotel."_

" _Not a lie. Tell him I said thanks for coming."_

 _"He's excited to be here. You doing okay?"_

 _"Nervous. I'm not so great at the duet."_

" _It'll be fine. Just don't fuck him on the stage when he hits those high notes."_

Kendall lifted his face from the phone to search out Logan, who grinned back, proud of himself. "Asshole," he mouthed. Rather than be offended, Logan elbowed Carlos and pointed in Kendall's direction. They waved at each other before Kendall disappeared with one last text to his best friend.

" _I hate you."_

" _Only because you know I'm right."_

Kendall laughed as he headed for the backstage area, glad he had a friend who could make him smile when he needed it most.

* * *

Tonight it was Kendall who was up for the piece with the host first, and it felt good to not be going into this facing a scandal. There had been no more fallout from the photo with Logan, mostly due to the account's deletion of it and subsequent apology. He was asked about the previous week's rehearsals, including the one for the duet with James. "Was it as interesting as you predicted it would be?" the man asked.

"You have no idea," Kendall smirked.

"We'll find out during the video we put together from the studio. What was it like singing with someone else for a change?"

"Difficult," Kendall admitted. "Coming from hockey, I'm used to playing with a team, so that wasn't hard. What was tough is that I'm used to being in charge as the captain, and here I wasn't. We had to work together as equals."

"Co-captains, if you will," the host suggested.

"Right," Kendall nodded. "Except we didn't have much say in how to attack the song. All we could do was try to both play to our talents and hope they work well together."

"There's so much talent to be had between the two of you, I don't see how they can't."

Kendall was grateful when he could finally escape the stage, immediately searching out Gustavo and Kelly. "They made a video from rehearsal?"

"Of course they did," Gustavo answered. "They have every week except the first, remember?"

"Yes, but I don't remember a camera crew being there."

"It was handled remotely," Kelly explained. "Hawk was complaining that the equipment took up too much room in the studio and booth, so the network had cameras installed all over both. Did you not notice the lack of a crew all week?"

No, Kendall hadn't. "But when I got...sick. Are they gonna show that?"

"Relax," Gustavo replied. "I've already seen the package, there's nothing in there about that."

"Thank god."

For once Kendall hadn't run into James at all before the show began, so when he strode by with his entourage of Lucy, Rebecca, and Hawk, Kendall was unprepared. James was wearing all black, as was Kendall, with a leather jacket rather than the denim one Kendall felt more comfortable in. "Did we color-coordinate because of the duet and no one told me? I thought we chose this outfit for my solo."

"We did," Kelly nodded. "It'll fit the atmosphere we're going for. But his clothes work well with yours for the duet, so that's good."

"We look like we dressed the same on purpose," Kendall complained.

"Get over it," Gustavo ordered. "He's in leather, you're in denim. It's fine. Hawk wanted you both to wear bright costumes for the duet, so you're welcome for talking him out of that."

As the show went live again, they crowded around the monitor to watch James' interview, Kendall not at all surprised when Lucy stepped up next to him.

"Lucille," he greeted her with a sneer, smiling on the inside when he felt her bristle.

"Call me that again and die, Blondie."

"Why'd you follow me on Scuttlebutter?"

Leaning closer, she whispered, "Because you've got a great ass."

As she'd intended, Kendall jolted and lost his train of thought. "Knock it off, it's not gonna work. I know you're just trying to make me lose focus."

"Shh, I'm trying to listen to James."

Eventually they both turned their attention to the screen, where James was laughing. Kendall could see that whatever he'd been asked, he wasn't actually amused. "We're all adults, we worked together fine. People like to make drama when there's none to be had."

"Kendall admitted it was difficult to work with you," the host shared.

"That's not what I said!" Kendall hissed.

James' eyes hardened but he kept the smile plastered on. "Well, everyone has their differences when it comes to music. I think we managed to reach a middle ground."

"We did," Kendall agreed. "Lucy, tell him that's not what I said."

"What did you actually say?"

"That it was difficult working with someone else. Not him in particular!"

"Funny how they like to twist everything, isn't it?"

"Just tell him. I don't want him to think I broke our truce before it's over."

"There you go again, sounding like you actually care what he thinks."

"Look, if I give my word, I stick to it. I wouldn't badmouth him publicly after we agreed to be...partners or whatever."

"If you say so."

"He knows me better than that. Believe what you want, Lucy, but James knows I'm an honorable person."

She nodded slowly, pursing her lips. "One whose goal in life is to ruin his future and steal everything he's ever loved from him. Mmm, so much honor in that you might actually pass for a true knight."

She was gone before he could form an argument, Kendall turning to spy James taking her hand to lead her back to his dressing room. "Dammit," he muttered, noting the way James' bangs were loose tonight and remembering the night they'd been mussed up by her hand. "Why are you such a bitch?"

* * *

The duet was up first, Kendall grateful to at least be getting the hard song out of the way. They all met up backstage during the commercial break—the contestants, their coaches, the assistants, and of course, Lucy. Gustavo and Hawk gave them collective advice for once, encouraging them to work as a team and be aware of each other as if they were one rather than two entities singing from separate sides of a massive stage.

"Remember, you're both singing the same song. It needs to sound like it," Gustavo coached.

"Just keep your faces forward and don't look at each other," was Hawk's advice. "Look at the crowd so you don't end up wanting to kill each other."

Kendall thought that was good advice and nodded. The last thing he needed was to have his focus on James singing those high notes in that leather jacket and boots he wore so well. Gesturing to Lucy, he warned, "Just keep her on his side of the stage. I don't want her anywhere near me when I'm performing."

"Kendall, I'm hurt," Lucy said in a mock-offended tone.

"Can it," Gustavo ordered. "Two minutes to showtime. Get in your places, both of you. Lucy, don't come near this side."

She blew Kendall a kiss once James had his back turned, Kendall shooting her the finger in response. "I can't wait until he wakes up and sees the real you," he muttered under his breath.

Except he could, because then James would be hurt again. It seemed as if James had been hurt enough. After taking his place in the wings, Kendall glanced across the stage to see Lucy pressing a kiss to James' cheek; anger bubbled up. "She's going to break your heart, buddy."

Buddy? How long had it been since he called James that? Reminded of James' post from two nights before, Kendall wondered again who it had been about. Considering Lucy was basically James' best friend at this point, he supposed it _was_ possible the post was about her.

Before he could think any further on it, the show went live and the host was gearing the audience up for them. Kendall couldn't resist a glance to his left, expecting to see James mentally preparing himself for the performance. Instead, James was staring back at him, and once he had Kendall's attention he did something he hadn't done since probably the age of eight. He nodded once, firmly, Kendall remembering that they'd done that to each other before every game they played while on the same team. It was their version of "Let's do this." An unexpected smile graced Kendall's lips as he nodded back, and then their names were being announced along with "Under Pressure" by Queen featuring David Bowie. When the bass kicked into gear, they took the stage at the same time, each taking one side and focusing on that section of the audience.

It worked well, their voices trading off and at times joining, Kendall at every second hyperaware of his partner in song nearby but yet so far away. There was only one moment when their eyes met, Kendall smirking at the longer segment of nonsense words and James turning to him as if he knew so that they both almost lost it before looking away to return to the song.

By the time they'd made it halfway through, Kendall was having a blast. He'd thought it would be harder, but instead he discovered that sharing the stage with someone else made things easier because it wasn't all on him. Having James be that person made it even better because they'd worked as a team so many times before that they were able to feed off each other's energy and give it right back. Gone were the nerves about the song that he'd never really managed to feel comfortable with; they were replaced with a feeling of rightness that took him through even the high notes from James, which reverberated so loudly through the large room that Kendall felt his teeth vibrate. He couldn't resist turning to watch James launch into the "why" that built up so powerfully, his own repeated cries of "love" blending in perfectly with it. James glanced to his right but then couldn't seem to look away as their eyes met, Kendall singing "insanity laughs, under pressure we're breaking" before James took the next few lines with a desperation that felt genuine.

 _Can we give ourselves one more chance_

 _Why can't we give love that one more chance_

 _Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love..._

The words continued on as emotion rose in James' eyes the way it always seemed to when he was lost in the music. Kendall held the gaze as he came in, and without realizing it started slowly walking toward James.

 _Cause love's such an old-fashioned word_

 _And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night_

 _And love dares you to change our way of..._

James was moving now as well, joining in as they closed the distance, and as the words left Kendall's mouth he realized they were true—this contest was their last dance as opponents. He'd thought their final hockey game had been, but this felt the same when all was said and done.

 _Caring about ourselves_

 _This is our last dance_

 _This is our last dance_

 _This is ourselves_

By that time there wasn't even a foot of space separating them. He felt pinned by James' stare, drawn in as if by a magnet.

 _Under pressure_

 _Under pressure_

 _Pressure_

The music came to a halt, Kendall feeling as if he was waking from a dream. As before, it was thunderous applause from the audience that reminded him where he was. James continued to hold his gaze for another few seconds before looking away, and once the lights came up he spun to rush back toward his side of the stage and disappear.

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Gustavo demanded the second they were alone in the dressing room.

"What?" Kendall thought playing dumb might be the way to go on this one.

"That was genius!" Kelly screamed. "Social media is blowing up right now, everyone loved it!"

"Did you two work that out by yourselves and just forget to tell us?"

The door busted open, Katie running in to screech and hug Kendall tight. "That was wicked, bro! Mom and I had a bet that one of you would walk off stage halfway through. I bet her that you'd punch him, but this was even better!"

"That was beautiful, honey," his mom smiled, traces of tears on her cheeks. "You made me cry."

Kendall searched out Logan, eyes begging for help.

"Carlos, I'm gonna go get some lemonade, I'm parched. Anyone else want—"

"Me!" Kendall yelled, breaking through everyone to get to the door. "Kelly, we'll—"

"I want the pink one," Kelly interrupted. "They only sell that one out of the machine way on the other side of the building."

Thinking God had sent her to him as a guardian angel, Kendall thanked her silently and dragged Logan out of the room. Logan was smart enough to wait until they'd passed James' dressing room to ask, "Okay, did you guys plan that?"

"No. We agreed we weren't even gonna look at each other on stage."

"Instead you practically made love with your eyes. Don't even bother trying to deny it, the whole world saw that, Kendall."

"Shit. I don't know what happened, I was just singing and he hit that note that always gets me and I wanted to watch, and next thing I know we're in the middle of the stage singing to each other. What the fuck happened?"

"Could be just theatrics on his part," Logan admitted. "He does get caught up in songs."

"True." They turned a corner and went down a staircase that led who knew where, Kendall not concerned with that at the moment. "I don't know...I mean...the words."

"What about them?"

"It was like for a second he meant it, like he was begging me to give love one more chance. Which makes no sense because we were never in love and he has a girlfriend and—"

"Theatrics," Logan said again. "Considering what we know about him, I think it's most likely that. But _you_...dude, don't even try to deny it, you were singing those words to him. This is our last dance, and that whole thing about how love dares you to change your way of living or whatever. That was...wow."

Kendall stopped moving at the bottom of the stairs, leaning back against a brick wall. "This can't be happening. I can't be falling for him. No, this isn't...Logan, I refuse."

"Good luck with that. Because, you know, feelings are so easy to control."

"He hates me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I mean...well, there was the post but I don't think that was about me."

"What post?"

"On his Scuttlebutter, he posted some line that made me wonder if it's about me. And then before we went on, he did the thing we used to do."

"What thing?"

"Just this thing, when we were on the same team we'd have this thing we did and he did it tonight. It felt like the old days, us against the world."

"Was it a good feeling?"

"The best," Kendall admitted quietly. "This can't happen, Logan. I can't fall for a guy who's not only taken, but straight, and on top of that hates my guts. That's just begging for a life of misery."

Logan didn't disagree. "Look, I don't know him that well, but I know you. You're fighting it but the feelings are there whether you want them to be or not."

"How do I stop them?"

"I guess not be around him?"

"Which is impossible until this whole thing is over."

"Not really, you can avoid him easily now that the duet is over."

"We still have one more. In two weeks."

"Well, in the meantime then. Just avoid him like you have been. There's no reason for you two to come into contact other than when the winner is announced each week."

"Right. Dude, you're totally right. This all happened because I was around him so much this week, and that's unusual. It's probably all in my head, I'm just so desperate to fall in love and he was there. It's natural, right?"

Logan shrugged. "Not usually with your sworn enemy, but I guess stranger things have happened."

"That's all it is," Kendall insisted. "Once I'm away from him this won't happen anymore. So I just need to get through tonight, and tomorrow everything will be fine."

Though Logan wasn't so quick to believe that, he didn't contradict Kendall. "Let's get back there, Carlos really wanted to tell you how much he loved your performance. He's having so much fun tonight."

"Are you?"

"It's been great," Logan grinned. "I missed him."

"I know," Kendall laughed. He felt much more calm as they took the stairs. Logan was right; James got caught up in the theatrics, just as he had. Whatever this was going on inside him would fade away by morning.

* * *

The gang remained in the dressing room through the guest performance, only heading back to their seats when it was almost time for James to go on for his solo song. As it put off questions from Gustavo, Kendall was grateful to have them there and even offered to walk them back toward the seating. He hugged his mother one last time before turning away and heading toward the dressing room, having already decided he didn't want to witness James' performance tonight.

"Where ya going?"

He ignored the teasing tone from Lucy, who was standing backstage and no doubt hoping to rile him up as she liked to do. "Away from you."

"Don't you want to watch James?"

"Nope."

"Too bad."

Kendall's arm was gripped hard, him hissing in pain as she dragged him back toward the side of the stage. "Ow! Let me go!"

James had taken his position in the center of the stage and was looking down at his feet, mentally getting himself in the zone.

"So what was that about?" she demanded.

"What was what about?"

"You know what. You guys didn't rehearse that whole coming together thing at the end."

"We got caught up in the song, so what? It's called putting on a show. We're here to entertain, Lucy, or did you forget?"

"No, _you're_ here to make him suffer. Was that part of it?"

"Give me a break, we were just singing a song. Don't make a federal case out of it."

Lucy raised one eyebrow, unsatisfied with that answer, but then the host was announcing James and her attention shifted to the stage. Kendall decided it was the perfect time to escape. He stepped back with one foot but made it no further because her nails were digging into his wrist even through the thick denim. "Your question's gonna be answered right now."

"What question?"

The music started then, though, Lucy putting one finger to her lips, and against his better judgment, Kendall was forced to watch.

It wasn't what he would've called a ballad, yet it wasn't exactly a pop song either. There were some rock elements to it that kicked in just before James opened his mouth while staring out into the crowd.

 _Are you aware of what you make me feel?_

 _Right now I feel invisible to you like I'm not real_

 _Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?_

 _Why'd you turn away?_

 _Here's what I have to say_

Though a snide comment was on the tip of Kendall's tongue about how of course James was performing _yet another_ song about being hurt by love, he kept it to himself. It was harder to make fun of James in Kendall's current confused mental state.

 _I was left to cry there, waiting outside there_

 _Grinning with a lost stare_

 _That's when I decided why should I care?_

Now the rock music kicked in, powerful in the darkened room, but Kendall's mind got stuck on the long, drawn-out "why" that James belted out.

"Why," he murmured. Somehow it always came back to the "why" with James. "Oh my god. This is the part one. He wrote this one too, didn't he? This is the Why Part 1."

Next to Kendall, Lucy was mouthing the words while her head bopped to the music and ignored his question.

 _Cause you weren't there when I was scared_

 _I was so alone_

 _You, you need to listen_

 _I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip_

 _And I'm in this thing alone_

"Lucy, answer me. Did he write this one?"

She nodded, her gaze still on James. "It was a sad little poor me song until I helped him find his anger. Now look at him, so much power."

The next verse was back to the "poor me" side of things, though.

 _When you turn around can you recognize my face?_

 _You used to love me, you used to hug me_

 _But that wasn't the case_

 _Everything wasn't okay_

 _I was left to cry there, waiting outside there_

 _Grinning with a lost stare_

Kendall had suspected before that someone hurt James deeply, and he'd wondered if he could've stopped that from happening had he been there. What hadn't quite sunken in until now was that James went through whatever heartache it had been alone. His mother had obviously not been around to care, his father...well, not even worth thinking about. Now he knew that there hadn't been another friend that replaced him; James had gone through all of this on his own, had suffered the pain of a broken heart with no one to comfort him. Guilt, heavy and turning his stomach to lead, washed over Kendall.

Logan was right; he should've found a way to keep in touch, if for no other reason than to be there for James in moments like this. What had he left his friend to face alone?

 _That's when I decided why-y-y should I care?_

The line was yelled with force, James lost in this song possibly more than he had been in any others, even the one where he'd cried; this one had come straight from his heart.

 _Cause you weren't there when I was scared_

 _I was so alone_

Lucy was back to mouthing the words, and she turned to sing the next line to him.

 _You, you need to listen_

Kendall _was_ listening. What he heard was so much pain and anger that he didn't know how someone could live through it.

 _I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip_

 _And I'm in this thing alone_

James' voice softened for the bridge, his body hunching forward slightly as if he was in physical agony.

 _Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud_

 _Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud_

With a suddenness that shocked Kendall, James dropped to his knees to scream the following lines.

 _Open your eyes_

 _Open up wide_

He remained where he was, crouched down and unmoving as the next words fell from his lips in a lost and scared tone.

 _Why should I care?_

 _Cause you weren't there when I was scared_

 _I was so alone_

Kendall couldn't handle anymore, his heart screaming at him to run out to James and hold him. He had to get away. He turned to leave, but again Lucy held him in place so that he could witness the final chorus that was yelled from that same deep pit of despair.

 _Why should I care?_

 _Cause you weren't there when I was scared_

 _I was so alone_

 _Why should I care?_

 _If you don't care, then I don't care_

 _We're not going anywhere_

The music stopped but James didn't move, still on his knees and hunched in on himself, his arms now wrapping around his body as if he was cold and shivering. Kendall realized in a flash that James was returning to the moment as he himself always did, unaware of his surroundings and so wrapped up in emotion that he couldn't function right away. The second Lucy dropped her hand from him, Kendall started to move forward to help him. He stopped as Lucy beat him to it, crouching down next to James and speaking softly as the show went to commercial break. It took her some time to get him to stand, and when he did he was leaning on her and hiding his face in her shoulder as she led him toward the backstage area. Neither looked at him as they passed, Kendall feeling a sense of deja vu as he watched Lucy lead a crying James away in a rush. This time, though, he wanted to be the one comforting James, so badly he was tempted to follow and drag James away from her while yelling, "Mine!"

James wasn't his, though; he'd given up that ownership the moment he'd climbed into a car and ridden away without a single glance back at his friend. He'd left James to fend for himself, and this was what it had come to—a young man broken by someone cruel enough to break his heart without a second thought. Sweet, gentle James, who'd sometimes cried over sad movies even though he always tried to pretend that he wasn't.

James wasn't pretending now. Whether it was for show or not, James was letting the tears flow.

* * *

There wasn't much of a break before Kendall's performance. He found Kelly and asked, "Did they go to the dressing room?"

"Who?"

"James and Lucy."

"I think so, but then they came right back out."

"Where'd they go?"

"I'd say home, because Lucy was carrying the pack James usually brings along. And honestly? He needs to go. That boy has some deep emotional issues."

"Shit. They left? Like the whole building?"

"I think so," she said again. "Hawk and Rebecca are over there if you want to ask."

How was Kendall supposed to sing a song to James if he wasn't even here to listen to it? Just like the week before, the song he was singing was a perfect answer to James', but this time he'd never know it. In James' current state, Kendall's words were exactly what he needed to hear.

"Why?" Kelly suddenly asked suspiciously.

"I needed to talk to Lucy about something," he fibbed.

"Well, you can catch her back at the hotel. Forget about them, this is your song. Gustavo still wants to talk you out of it."

"It's a little late for that."

Kelly shook her head. "I don't think it matters what song you sing right now; nothing's going to be more powerful than what James just did. The poor me thing might get old, but it really worked for him tonight."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Kelly. I'll try to remember that while I sing."

Because Gustavo thought the song was so weak, he tried to make up for it in other ways; he'd given specific instructions about the lighting in order to sell the haunting, melancholy atmosphere and made sure Kendall would be plunged into near darkness other than a spotlight that he hoped would make Kendall look like some sort of dark angel. He'd tried for a more dramatic look with make-up, but of course Kendall flatly refused.

"My voice and words will be enough," Kendall had promised. "Trust me on this."

As he took the stage now, Kendall didn't really know if that was true or not, nor did he care. Tonight wasn't about winning, it was about getting a message across to James and hoping that somehow James would understand what he was saying. That would never work, however, if James wasn't even in the building.

All Kendall could do was sing to the camera and hope that James saw this eventually.

* * *

 _Broken pieces, break into me_

 _So imperfectly what you should be_

 _I don't want you to go_

 _Don't want to see you back out in the cold_

 _Air you're breathing out fades you to gray_

 _Don't run away, find me_

Kendall had worked on every nuance of his voice for this one, trying to find the perfect soothing and inviting tone. It seemed to be working on the audience, many of whom were mesmerized by his words. He remained in the spotlight, not having to move out of it at all and instead using his face and hands to get emotions across.

 _I know the battle of chasing the shadows of who you want to be_

 _It doesn't matter, go on and shatter_

 _I'm all you need_

 _Broken pieces, break into me_

 _So imperfectly what you should be_

 _Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open_

 _Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open_

 _Let's enlighten the night_

 _We can fall away, slip out of sight_

 _When you drop your guard, melting in time_

 _So intertwined, quiet_

 _I know the battle of chasing the shadows of who you want to be_

 _It doesn't matter, go on and shatter_

 _I'm all you need_

He continued to sing straight into the camera, repeating verses in the hypnotic voice he'd developed just for this one. As he sang the last line, he crossed his arms into an inviting hugging gesture.

 _Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open_

The James Diamond he'd known as a child would not have been able to resist such an invitation.

The one currently dating Lucy Stone, however...that would remain to be seen.

* * *

A/N—Again, the song they performed for the duet is "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie.

Kendall performed "Broken Open" by Adam Lambert.

James performed "Losing Grip" by Avril Lavigne, but for the purposes of this story pretend he wrote it. ;)


	19. Chapter 19

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Managed to get another chapter up before I go on vacation. Sadly this was not looked over first by my friend who makes my words awesome, but hopefully there isn't anything weird or confusing in it.

Oh and don't forget that I used # instead of the correct "at" symbol for Scuttlebutter usernames.

As always, I'm so grateful to those of you reading and reviewing. Few things make me happier. Thank you!

* * *

Kendall chose to ride home with Logan and Carlos, needing space to clear his head.

"You okay?" Logan asked as he pulled out into traffic.

From the backseat, Kendall shrugged. "I just...I don't know. My feelings are all over the place."

"That was a pretty emotional song," Carlos commented. "I was expecting more upbeat stuff from you."

"Yeah, well...it wasn't what I was feeling tonight."

"Need to talk it out?" Logan offered.

Kendall considered it, but he really had no idea what his own thoughts were and so couldn't properly put them into words. "No. Thanks, but...no. I'm just gonna follow your advice and keep my distance from now on."

"I think that's best," Logan agreed. "Both for your chances of winning the contest and for your heart."

"Yeah."

They left him in silence for the remainder of the drive, both hugging him in the elevator before he stepped off at the second floor. He claimed exhaustion when his mother wanted him to watch the show with her, disappearing quickly into the shower and then his bedroom, where his head continued to spin.

He wasn't really falling for James, was he? James, who was overly sensitive about everything and cared too much about his looks and...

 _Needs someone to look out for him. Wants to love someone who will give him shelter, who will keep him safe from the harsh world outside._

 _Who is everything I sang about wanting to find last week._

"This fucking sucks," Kendall muttered. "Why him? Why did it have to be him?"

And why hadn't he held on to it when he had the chance? Why had he willingly pushed it away and never looked back?

It was too late. James had done the worst possible thing to Kendall, saddled him with a fate worse than death—a life without hockey—yet somehow Kendall no longer hated him for it. He knew now that it had never been on purpose, that the James Diamond he'd grown up with wouldn't have done it because that James had cared for him.

 _Of course then you abandoned him and left him to face life on his own, so maybe there's a grudge._

That was possible, Kendall supposed. But unlikely. He'd truly seemed sorry in that little room in Minnesota. He'd delivered a card.

Kendall had to face that whatever friendly feelings James had once had, they were buried in the past. He'd moved on and found others to put his trust in (obviously not always the right people, if his songs were anything to go by), and it had eventually led him to where he was now—with Lucy. She was going to break his heart, too, and there was nothing Kendall could do about it. James would be suspicious of anything he tried to say.

And could Kendall really blame him?

 _Whatever. I just need to not even let this go anywhere. Whatever's going on in my heart, it needs to stop now before it gets out of control. James has someone else. He hates me. Accept it and move on, Kendall. Just get through the next two weeks and you won't have to see him again._

Under the cover of darkness, Kendall nodded to himself. It was the best thing he could do.

* * *

In the interest of avoiding James and Lucy, Kendall spent most of the following day in his apartment. He got up and cooked breakfast for his family, helped Katie with her homework (not that she needed much help, but it was something to occupy his mind), and offered to take on some of the cleaning duties for his mother.

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked, placing her palm to his forehead.

"Yes," he laughed. "Is it so weird that I want to help you out for a change?"

"Very. But sure, you want to do the dishes and sweep the floors? Be my guest. I'll go get that manicure I've been needing for a month. Katie, want to come along?"

"I hate going with you to that stuff, it's boring and the smell makes me sick."

"I'll buy you a new game while we're at the mall."

"Let me get my shoes on!" Katie was up and running in a flash, Kendall and his mother sharing an amused look.

"You sure you're okay, honey?" she asked. "You seem down. I thought you'd be happier after you did so well last night."

"I am. Just...a lot going on, you know? Two more weeks of this thing and it's over. What do I do after that?"

"Well, if you win, you get a recording contract and can make your own music. How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I kind of do want to write songs. I have a lot to say. I just don't know how."

"Did you talk to Logan about it?"

"Yeah, he said if I can start something, he'll help me figure it out."

"Then maybe try that. See what you can do."

Kendall took her advice, ignoring the dishes he'd promised to do in favor of a pencil and a notebook while seated at the kitchen table. It was true, he had so much to say, but every time he tried, it just wasn't right. There didn't seem to be a poetic bone in his body.

Logan rescued him around eleven with a text.

" _Free for lunch?"_

" _Please. But can we eat up here? I don't want to see James."_

" _Yeah, I'll be up in fifteen minutes. Order something."_

Fifteen turned into thirty so that Logan only just barely beat the pizza Kendall had delivered. "Sorry, we had a problem with a resident checking out. You alone?"

"For awhile," Kendall nodded. At the sound of a knock, he gestured with his chin toward the door. "Can you get that? I already tipped them."

"Sure."

"How's Carlos?" Kendall asked once they were each enjoying a slice of pizza.

"Good. His dad called him this morning to say that if he really loves me, he wishes us the best. I'm so relieved. I guess seeing us on television together last night made a difference; he said Carlos looked happy."

"Really?" Kendall smiled at the thought of that. "Glad I could help. You guys are still gonna keep it quiet, though, right?"

"Yeah, for his career, we have to. I don't mind that so much, especially after getting a taste of what happens when you date someone famous. And we weren't even actually dating!"

"I know. Take another piece or Katie will just eat it all."

Logan did, then said, "I start school in two weeks. My uncle said I could stay here but he's pissed that I won't be able to work as much."

"You mean he might actually have to earn his paycheck? Poor thing."

"Yeah," Logan chuckled. "I told him I'd still help out when I can, like on weekends. Carlos is busy most of the time anyway."

"True."

After studying him, Logan stated, "You're not yourself."

"I know."

"Ready to talk yet?"

"What is there to say? I realized ten years too late that I should've held on to the best part of my life, and now he's out of reach. I left my best friend to be hurt by someone so deeply that he repeatedly breaks down crying in front of millions of people."

"Theatrics," Logan said again.

"Yes, but I also know when it's genuine with him. He wrote those songs, Logan. He felt those things. I shouldn't have left him."

"You had to move, you said it yourself."

"But you also pointed out that I didn't have to cut him off completely. Do you know that the highlight of every year for me was our championship game? I waited for it. I counted down to it."

"Why?"

"I always thought it was because of the sport. I mean, state champs every single year, what's not to be excited about? But every year it ended up being his team, and I just kind of knew it would be. I didn't realize it until last night, but he was part of it. Going up against him, taking him down, that was the main thing. He fought so hard to win every game, and he never could."

"So it _was_ personal."

"I guess. I just never realized it before, how much of the excitement was due to him. I mean, I fucking got a hard-on before every single game we played against each other, once I was old enough for that to happen. Shouldn't that have told me something?"

"A lot of athletes and entertainers get that right before performing. That's not so weird."

"But with me it only happened against him. I'd see him and just like that, the adrenaline kicked in and I was pumped and I was excited to face him on the ice. It's what I lived for."

"Then you came here and it was the same. You were excited to face him on the stage. You told me to stop making it about him, but Kendall...it always has been. He gives you a purpose."

"He took my purpose away."

"And then gave you a new one, without even meaning to. You're here because of him. All of this...it's because you can't stand to let him win. But what happens when you stop hating him? When you see him as a person instead of an enemy?"

"My fire dies," Kendall admitted. "My reason for needing to win."

Logan nodded. "Do you still want to win?"

"Honestly...I think so. Without a future in music, what do I have? Nothing. If I lose this, I have nothing to go back to. I need this, Logan."

"Then win it. Stay out here with me and Carlos and see where life takes you. There's someone out there for you. It's obviously not James, and I'm sorry because I know he's what you're looking for, but...he's not the only one."

Kendall bit his lip, hoping Logan was right but also certain that there was no one else like James.

It didn't matter. It was time to move on.

* * *

The moment he arrived at the studio, Kelly pointed him to the sofa. "Scuttlebutter. Now. You haven't been on at all since the show, what's wrong with you?"

"I had a lot on my mind, okay?" Kendall replied defensively, pulling out his phone before sitting down.

"The only thing that needs to be on your mind for the next two weeks is this," she reminded him. "Once you win, you can have a life. Until then, you belong to us."

"You're starting to sound like Gustavo."

"He's not here so I have to."

"Where is he?"

"On his way. He had a meeting with the producers. I haven't mentioned anything to him yet about you wanting to do your own song. Is it done?"

"No," Kendall admitted on a sigh. "I tried today, but...I guess I'm just not cut out to write."

Giving him a sympathetic look, Kelly said, "I'm sorry. It makes it easier on Gustavo, but I know you really wanted to. You couldn't have performed it this week anyway."

"Why not?"

"He called earlier and said next week is a theme night again. 80's movies."

"What? Didn't James already do an 80's theme?"

"That wasn't something they assigned, Hawk just chose it."

"What a stupid theme. I don't know a lot of 80's movies."

"That's fine, Gustavo knows plenty. He already has a few songs in mind. If you win tonight, are you going to insist on picking your own again?"

Kendall shook his head. "No, the truth is I'm over that. I still want to write a song that will say everything on my mind, but I don't see that happening anytime soon."

Kelly dropped into a chair adjacent to the sofa. "I don't know what's going on, and there's a part of me that thinks it's better that way. But if you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

"Thanks," Kendall smiled, truly touched. "That means a lot to me. Luckily I have Logan, though, and he's been great." Seeing the look on her face and knowing she wanted to ask, Kendall answered her unspoken question. "No, it's not like that. We really are just friends."

"Okay. All I ask is that if that changes before the end of this contest, you keep it a secret. I know that sounds rude, but we have a contest to win here."

"I get it. Don't worry, I don't have any deep, dark secrets." He laughed, the sound bitter. "I'm not that lucky."

"I'm not even gonna ask." Watching sadness creep into Kendall's eyes, she cleared her throat. "So is Logan coming tonight?"

"No. Just Mom and Katie."

"Okay. I'll make sure the studio knows." She stood up. "Now get on that phone and win some votes. There's still another hour before cutoff."

Kendall nodded as she left the room, opening the app and starting with his most recent mentions. Most of them were positive, though a few shared that they preferred his upbeat songs to the "depressing" one he'd done the night before. "It's not even a sad song," he muttered. "Listen to the words, idiot."

Five minutes into replying, he came across a post that made him freeze in place, waves of shock passing through him. It was from a girl, that was all he could tell from her picture, but both he and James were tagged in it, leaving no doubt who the girl was referring to.

" _#DiamondJames #WildKnight11 #musiclvr30 Can they just kiss already?"_

"Oh my god," Kendall whispered. He clicked on the post to expand it, seeing that the comment before that was from the other person tagged.

" _#DiamondJames #WildKnight11 Your duet was fantastic, please keep singing like that to each other forever."_

As Kendall stared at the words, a reply to the kissing question popped up.

" _#DiamondJames #WildKnight11 #GinnyHeart5 I KNOW I REALLY THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO KISS. I WISH."_

"Holy shit. Holy shit," Kendall kept repeating. Had it been that obvious that he wanted to? He hadn't even really known it at the time, how had these random strangers watching picked up on that? Gustavo would kill him if people started talking about them that way.

Kendall took a screenshot of the conversation and sent it to Logan with the message, _"You were right, even fans saw it. He was just acting, though, that's what they don't get."_

" _Just keep avoiding him like we talked about. Are you there yet?"_

" _Not at the station. We're leaving soon. I can't believe people are saying this about us."_

" _Carlos probably wouldn't be surprised. He says some fans are crazy."_

" _But these girls aren't. They're seeing the truth, only everyone else thinks they're crazy. I kind of want to reply to them and tell them they're not, but that would be suicide."_

" _Yes, especially since the whole world and James would know then how you feel. Get off Scuttlebutter, it's a bad place for you right now."_

" _Okay. I'll text you later."_

" _Let me know if you win."_

" _I will. Bye."_

Kendall took Logan's advice, pocketing the phone. He was still in a daze when Kelly poked her head in. "Gustavo's here, let's go. Did you talk to some fans?"

"Yeah. It was...interesting."

"Good. Hopefully they vote for you. Come on."

* * *

It occurred to Kendall on the ride over that James would most likely see those posts, too, considering he seemed to be on Scuttlebutter a fair amount. What would he think? Would he be disgusted? Would he and Lucy have a laugh over it before kissing each other, Kendall the furthest thing from his mind?

Kendall kept seeing the night before in his mind, the moment when James had nodded at him like the old days. _That_ James wouldn't laugh at him. That James might find it funny, but would never be cruel about it. What had happened to that James?

 _You know what. You made him what he is. Too late now. Move on._

"Kendall, are you listening to me?"

He shook himself from his thoughts to focus on Gustavo, who was in the front passenger seat. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I said, we had a deal. You lose tonight, you're doing the songs I choose. No arguments."

"Right. I know."

"I let you do your stupid song once, but I won't make that mistake again if it comes down to it."

"I get it," Kendall replied in an annoyed tone. "It's fine, I'm done arguing anyway. I got a little distracted from my path, but I'm back on it now. I want to win."

"Excellent. I picked two upbeat songs for you and I expect you to get out there and sell them like you did the second week."

Kendall nodded, not really worried about it. He was done with love songs. Or... "Wait. They're not love songs, are they?"

"Not in the traditional sense. One isn't at all, the other is about a girl but not sappy. It's the perfect song to interact with the crowd and get them into it. That's what wins contests, Kendall. Not love."

"I still think you two are wrong about that," Kelly disagreed. "Love doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"You know what I've learned since I moved here, Kelly?" Kendall asked wryly. "It's the worst thing. I don't want anything to do with it."

"That's my boy," Gustavo said with pride. "We're gonna win this."

* * *

Kendall found it easy to avoid James by using the same method at the station that he'd used at home—not leaving his room. There was only one face-to-face moment they shared before the reveal, and it was brief. While Kendall was on his way out for the interview with the host, James was returning to the dressing room after his own, Lucy of course leading the way. Unable to help being concerned since he'd last seen James on his knees and sobbing, Kendall allowed himself one glance over. James refused to look at him, back to the hard expression he usually wore around Kendall these days, and kept walking.

It wasn't until they shared the stage again that neither had an escape. During the last commercial break they were placed next to each other under the unforgiving spotlight. Kendall suddenly flashed back to the first night, when James had instinctively reached out for his hand. That was before Lucy, wasn't it? Maybe they'd met, but Kendall didn't think they'd become what they were now. Had he allowed it that night, had he reached out in response to grip James, where would they be now? Would Lucy have happened at all?

Turning his head to the right, Kendall studied the stunning profile that now haunted his dreams. James continued to stare straight ahead. Lucy was a safe distance away, James unable to reach her for protection. Now was the time.

"Are you okay?" he asked, the question an echo of words he'd said before in this same exact spot and been foiled by time running out.

The only sign that James was surprised was the way he suddenly swallowed. "Fuck off."

Kendall wasn't about to back down. "I was worried after last night, the way you fell apart at the end."

That got James' head swiveling to the left in disbelief. "Are you fucking serious right now?"

"Well, excuse me for caring."

"You're unbelievable. Do me a favor and just get the fuck out of my life. I don't need you."

Feeling as if he'd been slapped, Kendall looked away. He supposed he deserved that. It still hurt to hear. He felt the press of time running out again, and before he could think of anything else to say, they were being counted down to live.

When James Diamond was announced the winner, Kendall was relieved because the wetness in his eyes could easily be blamed on disappointment should anyone notice and ask. He suddenly remembered that he was supposed to leave the stage and looked blindly around, wondering where to go.

It was Lucy, of all people, who guided him with a hand gesture beckoning him. He would've expected to find her ecstatic and jumping with joy (something even dark Lucy could be excused for in a moment like this), but instead her face was grave as he joined her.

"You okay?"

Strange that now he was the one being asked that question, and by James' girlfriend, of all people. "Yeah. Just...I honestly don't think I've ever lost before. Except the time my knee was shattered, but I don't count that."

"Don't start insulting James again, I'm trying to be nice here."

"I wasn't going to. Why, though? Why are you being nice?"

Lucy shrugged. "You look like you need a friend. Your little boyfriend couldn't make it tonight?"

Kendall rolled his eyes and didn't bother arguing because he knew she wouldn't believe him anyway. "He had to work. Is he really okay, Lucy? I saw him last night, he was a wreck, and—"

"Shh, he's coming."

Kendall spun around to see James approaching from the stage, his mouth a grim line as he grabbed Lucy's hand and dragged her away from Kendall. She lifted her hand in a brief wave and followed.

The next thing Kendall spied was Gustavo's angry face heading toward him; suddenly it was too much. He just wanted to be home. He searched out his mother, who was making her way through the remaining crowd to get to him, and jogged past Gustavo with a "Later!" Within two minutes he was outside the building with his mom and Katie, breathing in fresh air and trying to hold in his feelings.

He needed Logan.

* * *

Logan came through for him, claiming a stomach bug so that his uncle had to cover the desk for the final hour of the evening. Kendall used a back entrance to make his way to Logan's apartment, knowing he'd be stopped in the lobby and asked for results; he wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

At least, not with anyone else. Logan was a welcome sight and the moment the door closed behind him, Kendall pulled his friend into his arms and let himself relax, feeling the tension slowly start to drain away.

"What's wrong? Did you lose?"

"Yeah. But that's not...I mean, sure, it sucks and I don't really know how to process it, but that wasn't the worst thing."

"Oh, no. You talked to him, didn't you?" When Kendall made no reply, Logan sighed and asked, "Didn't I tell you to stay away from him?"

"I did!" Kendall stepped back from the hug, looking around until he found a nearby chair to fall into. He waited for Logan to take the other one and continued. "I stayed in my dressing room the whole night except when I was needed onstage or in make-up. We saw each other once in the hall and he didn't look at me, but I couldn't stop thinking about how he was last night, how he was so...broken. I was worried about him, I can't help that."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing then. At the end we were on the stage again waiting for the results and I couldn't help myself. We were alone, I mean as alone as you can be in a room full of a thousand people, but Lucy wasn't around to be his bodyguard. So I asked him if he's okay."

"Kendall." Logan shook his head. "What part of 'avoid him and stop thinking about him' does that fall under?"

"Look, imagine if you and Carlos spent years away from each other but then suddenly you saw him again and knew he'd been upset. Would you be able to resist making sure he was okay? Could you just ignore that?"

Logan rolled his eyes but answered, "No."

"Exactly."

"What did he say?"

It was a moment before Kendall could speak. "Fuck off."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. And I mean, I get it, I've been a dick to him since we moved here and he knows I did it to get revenge. So he's not gonna want to be friends or anything."

"Kendall, the best thing you can do is—"

"There was more." Logan fell silent, waiting for Kendall to continue. "I didn't let it go, I pushed it and said I was worried and he kind of blew up at me."

"Right there on the stage?"

"Yeah. We were quiet, though. Nobody heard."

"But I'm sure people saw. It's probably already going around the Internet that you two had a fight before the reveal."

"Ugh. Well, at least those girls who thought we were in love will stop now."

"Don't worry about that right now. What did he say that upset you so much?"

"To get out of his life," Kendall replied, his voice cracking when he shared the rest of it. "That he doesn't need me."

A sympathetic look stole over Logan's face. "That's probably the worst thing someone you love could say to you, isn't it?"

"Someone like him, yeah. It's true, though. He doesn't need me. Those days are over. I know it, why can't I accept it?"

"You will once this is all over and you don't have to see him anymore. That's what's keeping you wrapped up in him, the fact that you see him. You'll win this contest and he'll move away and—"

"What if I don't? I lost tonight, Logan. I'm losing my edge."

"Because of him! You're letting your heart get in the way and it's shifting your focus."

"I know. I'm done with that. I just...it hurt hearing him say that. No matter how much I deserve it."

Logan nodded slowly. "I can imagine. You messed up with him and you know it, and you've accepted it. Right?"

"Yeah."

"Can you fix it now?"

"Not if he isn't open to me."

"And we know he's not. You just have to accept that you tried to make it right and did your best. Move on."

"Did I really, though? What have I done to make it right other than ask if he's okay?"

"I guess you could at least apologize. He may not want to hear it, but you've done your part and let him know that you realize you were wrong."

"I took _his_ apology and threw it in his face," Kendall pointed out. "He won't want to hear it."

"That's probably true," Logan conceded, "but at least you'll feel better and know you said your piece. I wouldn't profess your love for him, though, that's just asking for ridicule and cruelty."

"I know. I can't even get him alone, though, how can I say what I need to say?"

"Write him a letter?" Logan suggested. "Like you should've done ten years ago after moving away?"

"We know I'm horrible with words, Logan. I can't even manage to write more than two words of a song."

"You made it that far?" Logan teased. "What did you write?"

Kendall shared a wry smile. "I'm sorry."

"There, see? You're already off to a good start. Just...forget the song if that's too hard. Write a letter. Say all the things you'd say if you had him alone and he was actually listening to you. Maybe give it to him on the last day of the show, when you know you won't see him again. I promise you, Kendall, after that you'll be able to move on."

"Maybe, but after all of this, I'll never stop caring about him. Not now that I remember everything from when we were kids. God, Logan, he practically worshiped me. Why did I throw that away?"

"You were a dumb kid, you didn't know any better. Maybe put that in the letter, too."

"I don't know. He's not gonna care. He probably wouldn't even read it."

Logan shrugged. "You know him better than I do."

Kendall had thought so, but now he wasn't so sure. What he did know for sure was that Logan's advice to avoid James was still the best chance he had to win the contest. At the moment, it was all he had.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Back from vacation and it's so good to get back to fic! Not only my own, but also the new chapters I missed from my favorite authors. I'm excited to catch up on everything. This chapter and the next are nice long ones (mostly because it was tough to decide where to break them up in the story), and in this one Kendall does a lot of contemplation and soul-searching. Hope that's not too boring, but he has a lot to work through in this head.

I'd also like to take a moment again to say thank you to those who continue to review this. Thanks Guest, Side1ways, and EpicallyObsessed for being so awesome and sharing your thoughts with me! And even if you don't review, I'm grateful to everyone who reads this. Thank you. :D

* * *

Kendall again slept horribly, feeling like death when he got up to face the new day. As Logan was busy with guests on Kendall's way out, all he managed in passing was a wave that Logan nodded at. Five minutes later he received a text to follow that up.

" _Remember, focus on winning. Not for vengeance, but for the things you'll get out of it—a future out here with friends and someone new to love that will love you back. You know you can win this."_

Kendall did. He just had to recenter his focus. This time he didn't have to be reminded to get on Scuttlebutter and talk to fans; he'd already replied to a score of them by the time Kelly joined him in the little studio room he'd come to think of as his place of escape.

"I see your head is finally in the game again," she commented, and he shrugged but offered her a wan smile.

"It's really not so bad. Just still hard to wrap my head around the fact that there are people out there who believe in me."

"I'm sure you had that in hockey."

"Yeah," Kendall conceded. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this isn't so different after all."

"You look like crap. Want some coffee?"

"That would be amazing. Thank you."

"Spend a few more minutes with that, then take a look at these." She shoved two sheets of paper at him.

"Are those the songs for this week?"

"Yep. I think Gustavo's right, you're gonna kick ass with these."

Kendall took the papers but didn't look at them, instead biting his lip. "How mad is he that I lost?"

"Not as much today. He was raging last night, but I reminded him that it's one out of five and that you said you'd do things his way from now on. You will, right?"

"Totally. I'm in it to win it."

"That's what we like to hear," Kelly smiled. "Look those over, start learning the lyrics. We'll meet you in the studio in ten."

"Copy that."

Alone again, Kendall set the lyrics aside and returned to Scuttlebutter, where many of his mentions were fans giving him the boost he needed, saying things like "You'll win next week for sure!" and "Don't lose hope, we got your back." It was like his own personal cheering section that he never actually saw, and it was a good feeling.

There were a few negative ones, viewers who were obviously fans of James instead, and could Kendall really blame them? He still felt out of his element sometimes, like he'd stepped into a world James grew up in and owned. This was James' domain.

 _You don't belong here._

For the first time since the move, Kendall wanted to belong. His motivation had been revenge from the start, never to be part of this world for the long run. The deeper he stepped into it and opened his eyes, though, the more he thought it was a world he could live happily in. And he would, once James wasn't in his face every day to remind him what he'd lost. Logan was right about that.

Logan was right about a lot of things. Why couldn't he have fallen for someone normal like Logan?

 _Because Logan isn't what gets you off, and he'd tell you that himself. He's a great guy, but he doesn't do it for you. Not the way you need to be stimulated._

That sent Kendall's mind to Lucy, who definitely had stimulated him in the beginning—at least mentally. And physically at times, he supposed. In the end, though, she didn't do it for him, either. And she'd actually been nice the previous evening.

 _Still nothing. Face it, Kendall, there's only one person who does it for you. Only one who knows the guy you were before all of this. And at one time, you were everything he needed._

Thinking about that, Kendall switched to James' Scuttlebutter account. He wished he could just follow it, but that would most likely get people talking. It _would_ shock the hell out of James, though. Almost worth it just for that.

James was already awake and replying to fans, as well. His appreciative replies seemed genuine, Kendall knowing that they were; James had found others to be what he needed—Lucy and his fans. There was no place for Kendall anymore.

What would happen when Kendall won and James lost all of that? Lucy would most certainly drop him, fans would fade away...James himself would probably go back home to parents who barely noticed his existence. The idea didn't sit well with Kendall at all.

 _Stop thinking about him. He'll survive, he always has. He did just fine without you all those years._

But did he? He'd come here an emotional wreck from some mystery girl who'd destroyed him. Who would be there to protect him next time, or even when Lucy broke his heart?

 _It's not your job anymore. Get over it. Your path is out here and won't cross with his again. Move on to your own destiny._

As if he knew that Kendall was weakening, Logan chose that moment to text.

" _Are you better today? You didn't answer me."_

" _Yeah. Thanks for being such a great friend. I don't deserve you."_

" _Just stick around and we're good. Stop thinking about him."_

Kendall couldn't help but chuckle. _"How did you know?"_

" _Because I know you. Shouldn't you be rehearsing right now?"_

" _Working on it, jeez. Logan, I don't know what I'd do without you."_

" _Let's not find out. Go rehearse."_

" _Things good with Carlos?"_

 _"Wonderful. Go rehearse."_

The scent of fresh coffee distracted Kendall, his stomach growling. He looked up to see Kelly holding out a cup. "Ready to face the dragon?"

Kendall pocketed the phone and took the coffee in one hand, picking up the sheets in the other. "Ready as I'll ever be. Let's do this."

* * *

"Kendall."

From his place in the chair facing Gustavo's desk, Kendall braced himself for a serious tongue-lashing.

"You screwed up."

"I know."

"You had to do things your way, and you screwed up."

"Yep."

"You killed it on the duet even though you two had some weird symbolic thing going on, but then you bombed on your solo because you insisted on singing your feelings."

Kendall only nodded.

"And because of that, you lost."

"Yeah."

"You're not arguing with me, why aren't you arguing? Kelly, why isn't he arguing?"

Standing behind Kendall's chair, Kelly answered, "Because he knows you're right and he's ready to change all that. He's prepared to take orders."

"Is that true?" Gustavo demanded, narrowed gaze on Kendall now. "You're gonna let me mold you for the next two weeks with no complaints?"

"As long as you don't make me wear make-up other than what I have been and don't dress me in anything hideous, yes. I'm yours to shape."

"Finally!" the man yelled. "Okay, did you memorize the new songs yet?"

"Gustavo, he's had them for five minutes," Kelly pointed out.

"That's no excuse. Look at them now. Learn them. Breathe them, sing them in your sleep."

Kendall skimmed the paperwork in his hand. "I've never heard either of these songs."

"They're from popular 80's movies, that's all you need to know. The first is from _Eddie and the Cruisers—_ "

"Never heard of it."

"And the next," Gustavo continued as if Kendall hadn't spoken, "is from a movie with a big-name cast. People will remember it."

"Will they remember the first one?"

"You'll sell it enough that it won't matter. You're going to have them standing up and dancing in the aisles by the time we're through."

"Is that even allowed?" Kendall mused.

"They'll do it anyway. This is what I expect from you, and this is what you'll give. Understand?"

"One hundred percent."

"Perfect. Kelly, set him up in the studio and play the songs for him. I want him able to sing them in ten minutes."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Thirty. Go get some breakfast, you're already cranky."

"Thirty," Gustavo nodded.

Two minutes later Kendall was seated in the small recording studio, in the chair Gustavo normally used. Kelly played the first song, Kendall understanding what Gustavo meant as it went on because it started out with a simple piano melody but built up quickly into an upbeat tempo that had even him tapping his foot, along with clapping sounds that he could use to reel in the audience. "It's not bad at all," Kendall commented, impressed. "Long sax solo, though. Are we gonna cut that?"

"We might shorten it a little, we're still trying to decide. The thing is, Kendall, you can use it. If you can dance some, not even a lot but just enough to make everyone else want to, that will clinch it."

"Ugh, here we go with the dancing again. You know it's not my thing."

"You moved pretty well in the second week, with 'I'm Ready.' You covered a lot of stage in that one."

"I was pumped for that one," Kendall recalled. "I just had fun with it. I wasn't even nervous at all."

"Do that again, have fun with it. How's your knee?"

"Mostly better," Kendall admitted. "It hurts a little if I run on it, or twist weird. Which is why the doctor suggested I don't dance."

"We'll see what we can do. The good news is that everyone watching knows about your injury, so you can just blame that for your lack of serious movement. But you're definitely cool with the song?"

Kendall nodded. "I can work with it. That's it for the lyrics, though? It's really just that repeated over and over?"

"Easier to memorize," Kelly agreed.

Staring down at the paper, Kendall murmured, "'She'll never know just how I feel.' Yeah, I can definitely work with that."

"Perfect. Let's look at the next one."

It was another upbeat song, the first verse hitting Kendall hard because it so perfectly described him and what he was living.

 _Growing up, you don't see the writing on the wall_

 _Passing by, moving straight ahead, you knew it all_

 _But maybe sometime if you feel the pain_

 _You'll find you're all alone, everything has changed_

 _Play the game, you know you can't quit until it's won_

 _Soldier on, only you can do what must be done_

 _You know in some way, you're a lot like me_

 _You're just a prisoner and you're trying to break free_

"Oh my god," Kendall whispered. "Yeah," he said to Kelly. "I'm doing this."

"Good. Gustavo said it would be perfect for you, something about coming back with a vengeance and coming into your own or whatever. I don't even pretend to understand you two half the time."

Kendall understood it, though. The lyrics were about being the best you can be and stepping onto your new path with a fire burning inside.

 _I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky_

 _I'll be where the eagle's flying, higher and higher_

 _Gonna be a man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels_

 _Take me where my future's lying, St. Elmo's fire_

It was the bridge that Kendall felt so deeply it raised goosebumps on his skin.

 _Just once in his life_

 _A man has his time_

 _And my time is now_

 _And I'm coming alive_

The words were yelled out with feeling, an anthem that Kendall needed to keep in mind over the next few weeks. This was his chance, not even to make James pay but to come alive for himself. _This_ was what Logan had been trying to tell him from the start, to do it for him and his future. He got it now, saw the possibilities of what could lie ahead if he embraced this career and this new life. He nodded slowly as the song played on.

"Yes?" Kelly asked. "We're good?"

"Perfect," Kendall replied with feeling. "This song is gonna win me the competition."

"Wonderful. Just remember that as we get closer to the finish line, Diamond's gonna pull out his best performances, too. You need to be phenomenal out there."

"I will be," Kendall promised, fire coming to life in him and for the first time not out of hatred or a need to take someone down. This time it was his will to live burning inside.

* * *

Kendall did well with the chosen songs, learning them quickly and spending most of the week perfecting them. It was when Gustavo suggested working on his movements that they hit a snag.

"I'll be fine once I get on stage," Kendall assured him. "The music will get me moving like before."

" _Moving_ isn't enough. You need to make _them_ want to move."

"The music will do that."

"Not enough," Gustavo repeated. "I'm bringing in a dance instructor tomorrow."

"Are you kidding me? I'm not learning some choreographed dance moves! That's the worst thing you could do to me, I'll blow the whole thing because I'll be too focused on trying to remember that instead of just singing."

"Relax, we're not working out a routine for you. I just want someone to teach you how to feel the music and move around with it. You're horrible with that."

"Wow, thanks."

Kendall couldn't really be angry, though, because he knew Gustavo was right. Still, the last thing he wanted was for some stranger to come in and tell him how to move. He used the lunch break to escape into his favorite room and call for help.

"Hope you're having a Palm Woods day, this is Logan, how can I help you?"

The new greeting threw him. "Hope you're having a Palm Woods day? What the hell does that even mean?"

"Don't ask, my uncle thinks it sounds great. What's up? I already took my lunch break, if that's what—"

"No, I have to stay here anyway. Listen, did you ever find out if Camille's had any dance training?"

"Uh, no, I honestly forgot about it. Want me to ask her?"

"Yeah. I need help, Gustavo wants to bring in a dance instructor and that's just gonna blow my focus. I've been doing so great, too."

"That's fine, but...is she still mad at you?"

"Oh." Kendall hadn't even considered that. "I...shit. I haven't seen her since the night she slapped me." He let out a groan of frustration. "I don't know."

"She should be here in the lobby pretty soon, I'll text you and let you know how it goes."

"Thanks."

"How are the songs coming along?"

"Excellent," Kendall answered with pride. "You're gonna love it. I just don't want to be distracted trying to dance while also trying to focus on that, you know?"

"Yeah. If I could dance, I'd offer to help. Sorry."

"It's cool. I just don't have a lot of time, so I don't know how I'm even gonna learn anything with Camille unless she stays up with me half the night."

"Let me see what I can do," Logan offered. "I'll let you know."

"Thanks. You know, I was thinking it's a pity I didn't fall for you, because you're a nice, normal guy."

"Except for the fact that I get off thinking about and watching other people have sex, sure. Wow, not the sort of thing I should be talking about while residents are walking by."

"Did you get caught?" Kendall snickered.

"No, I was quiet."

"Watching people have sex? Really, Logan? Have you tested this?"

"Not outside of video. Surprisingly, that doesn't do much for me." Almost whispering now, Logan added, "Watching you kiss Carlos got me hot, though."

"Damn!" Kendall laughed. "So you are a little bit of a freak after all."

"Which you knew. And if I didn't think it would keep you from finding someone for yourself, I'd gladly invite you to join us sometime."

Kendall swallowed hard, his body remembering what it felt like to be touched and craving it again. "How would that keep me from finding someone?"

"Because you'd get comfortable with us and just be satisfied with that. You wouldn't have any need to explore a relationship of your own."

"I don't know about that," Kendall disagreed.

"I do."

"Eventually I'd want someone of my own. It might be fun for a little while, though."

"Of course, Miss Thomas. I'll be in touch to let you know."

"Got it, you can't talk. Text me."

"Have a Palm Woods day."

Kendall rolled his eyes as he disconnected the call. That had to be the stupidest phrase he'd ever heard.

* * *

" _She doesn't have any dance experience. Sorry."_

"Damn," Kendall muttered, slowing on the walk back from the restroom to send an answering text.

" _Thanks anyway."_

" _Carlos, however, says he can help you."_

That brought Kendall to a complete stop. _"Carlos? Really?"_

 _"Apparently he loves to dance. He says to meet him tonight when you get back and he'll work with you."_

" _He'd do that for me?"_

 _"Of course, he's your friend. Also he'd do anything I asked, but I didn't even have to ask for this. He offered when I told him about your problem. When will you be done?"_

" _Probably not until eight or nine. Are you joining us when you get off?"_

" _I'll be there. I expect to see you dancing by the time I arrive. And no kissing him until then, I want to watch."_

" _Logan, I'm not gonna kiss your boyfriend!"_

" _If he's sexy enough while dancing, you might. He's so hot."_

" _Just tell him I'll be there sometime after eight. And thank him."_

" _Got it. See you then."_

Kendall shook his head as he pocketed the phone. Considering that him kissing Carlos was so heavily on Logan's mind, he supposed it was going to happen before the night was through. Truthfully, the idea wasn't unappealing; he'd enjoyed it the first two times.

Still, Carlos wasn't the person he wanted to kiss. He'd done his best to not think about James for the previous few days and had been moderately successful except when in bed at night. Those were the moments memories flooded him and made him long to have James look at him with such trust and devotion in his eyes again.

That's all they were, though, just memories—and sometimes dreams that Kendall woke up from empty and aching.

* * *

Carlos greeted him with a hug, Kendall feeling like it had been forever since they'd seen each other. They chatted briefly about their mutual interest—Logan—and Kendall passed on how proud he was that Carlos had found the courage to come clean to his parents. "When that time comes for me, I don't know how my mom is gonna react."

"Your mom seems cool, it'll be okay. Got your eye on anyone yet?"

James came to mind immediately and a pang of sadness flashed through Kendall. "No," he said anyway. "Too busy to even look."

"It'll happen. Maybe when the contest is over. Logan really wants you to win, you know. I mean, we all do, but he doesn't want you to move back home after. He'd miss you like crazy."

Kendall nodded. "I'd miss him, too. And you, and believe it or not, even Kelly and Gustavo. I don't have anything to go back to."

"Then let's get you dancing so you can win this," Carlos winked.

It only took them five minutes to decide the apartment wasn't big enough for their needs—too much furniture in the way. Kendall called down to ask Logan if he could set them up in an empty apartment, but he reminded them that since this was basically a hotel, even the empty ones were furnished.

"Is there no open space at all around here?" Kendall complained. "Gustavo would never let me use Rocque Records because he wants me trained his way. What about the roof?"

Carlos shook his head. "Bitters won't go for it. We need something that's—wait. Got it!"

A few minutes later they were entering the gym area that housed the boxing ring, Carlos' eyes sparkling. "Welcome to my domain."

It could definitely work, except... "I don't want to do this in front of people," Kendall whispered, noting there were a couple of residents still using the equipment in the next room.

"It closes in ten minutes; Logan will be through here to lock up. Let me hear those songs again so I can get an idea what you need."

Kendall played the songs at a low volume, glancing around while Carlos listened. Every person that passed through either waved and smiled or vocally called out a greeting to him, one handsome stranger even winking. "I should start working out," Kendall murmured, watching that one go. "Wow."

"He's a dick," Carlos shared. "Don't even bother."

"Really? He's hot."

"You'd hate him. Aren't there any nice guys around here that you'd want to date?"

Again, it was James who dropped into Kendall's mind. James was nice, or at least he was to everyone else, but Kendall also knew there was a good reason for that. "I need to meet more people, I guess."

"You do. I know a lot of the guys that come in here, I'll introduce you when there's time. For now...oh, here comes my little studmuffin. I know it's weird, but the uniform turns me on," he confided.

Kendall chuckled, sharing, "If it makes you feel any better, your costume does the same for him."

"Yeah?" Carlos grinned as they both watched him approach. "I'll have to remember that. Hey, gorgeous," he greeted once Logan was close enough. "Finally free?"

"I just need to go lock up some things, including this gym, and I will be." The desire to kiss Carlos showed plainly in his eyes, but Logan restrained himself. "How's the dancing?"

"We really haven't even gotten started," Kendall admitted.

"Get to it." With that command, Logan spun on his heel and stalked off back toward the lobby.

Kendall smirked. "Let me guess, you love it when he gets bossy."

"It's so hot," Carlos smiled, "especially because he hardly ever does. Okay, mind off of what I want to do to him tonight, this is all about you. Get in the ring."

Kendall did, backing up against the far ropes and leaning on them before looking around. "It's just us, right? Everyone's gone?"

"We're good. I'm your audience, you're singing and dancing to me. And Logan, once he comes back. You ready?"

"What am I doing?"

"Just move. Whatever you feel when I play the song, do it. We'll go from there."

"It would help if I had a mic. That's how it'll be when I perform."

Carlos thought for a moment before slipping a comb from his back pocket. "Here."

"You carry that with you?"

"When I know I'm gonna be seeing Logan, yeah. I want to look good for him."

"You two are so—"

"Don't say ridiculous," Carlos warned. "I already know that."

"I was gonna say adorable," Kendall soothed, moving forward to take the comb. "Mostly I'm just jealous because I want that with someone."

"You'll find it," Carlos promised. "Ready?"

Kendall took a moment to center himself, breathing in deep and clearing his head of everything but the song. "Go for it."

The piano came in, Kendall's voice singing along with the music that Kelly had sent him minus the vocals. He didn't move much at all, just let the words come from him. They were almost through the first verse when he stopped and asked, "Should I be doing something?"

"No, it works for this part. It's good, you're feeling it and I can see the music building in you as we get closer to the fast stuff. Just remember to make eye contact with people like you're singing to them."

"Gustavo tells me that, too."

"The man knows his business," Carlos nodded, lifting up an arm to slide over Logan's shoulders as he joined them. Logan immediately stepped away in a panic.

"Not in public!" he hissed.

"Babe, there's nobody in here. It's fine." He let Logan be, though, turning back to Kendall. "Ready?"

"Start from the beginning so I can let it build up."

Carlos did, and Kendall let the music flow through him.

 _The dark side is coming now, nothing is real_

 _She'll never know just how I feel_

 _From out of the shadows, she walks like a dream_

 _Make me feel crazy, make me feel so mean_

 _Ain't nothing gonna save you from a love that's blind_

 _Slip to the dark side across that line_

Now the tension was building in the music, Kendall going with it. Both watched closely and Kendall found that he couldn't look at Logan when he sang, not as an audience member. It threw him off, probably because of the intense analysis that always seemed to be going on behind those brown eyes. Instead he focused on Carlos, who was also analyzing and yet it didn't feel intrusive.

The clapping sounds came in with the guitar, Carlos suggesting, "Clap with it. Get us wanting to clap with you."

They rewound and Kendall did, even getting some foot stomps into it. Logan was bopping his head as Kendall continued, Carlos giving him something to interact with by clapping along. "Perfect!" Carlos grinned. "Don't stop!"

It wasn't the singing that was his problem; Kendall had learned to emote well by now and he was mentally able to get into the moment. He was still self-conscious about his knee, though, and most of the time too aware of how he must look with the limp that was almost unnoticeable to everyone but him.

Logan shook his head slowly, lips twisting as he watched. "It's not enough," he commented. "You're not engaging us because you can't just let go with your body." Without warning he slid under the ropes to join Kendall, shrugging out of his blazer to toss it toward Carlos. "Start it again."

Both Kendall and Carlos turned to Logan in surprise. "You're gonna sing this?" Kendall asked in shock.

"Hell, no. But I can at least feel the music and react to it. Play it, babe."

Curious to see what Logan would do with it, Kendall stepped back into a corner of the ring. When it got to the clapping part, he went along with it, Kendall's eyes widening as he watched Logan's body move back and forth across what they were using as a stage. There was no trace of the shy, nervous boy who'd checked Kendall in upon arrival so long ago. He used his arms and legs as extensions of the song, dancing in a way neither of them could have imagined he was capable of.

"Damn, babe!" Carlos yelled. "How are you so hot?"

"Shh," Logan answered in dismissal. "You're throwing off my focus."

"Kendall! Do what he does! Just try to copy that, and sing to me while you're doing it."

"I can't do both, that's the problem here."

"You can do this. I promise. Follow his lead."

They started again and this time Kendall sang, the words second nature to him by now. He watched Logan and did his best to move along with him, feeling the beat and pleasantly surprised to discover that it wasn't really hard at all as long as he let the music guide him.

The sax solo was a little more difficult because it would require more movement and no singing at all, Kendall having to rely solely on his body to entertain. He tried to keep up with Logan, who actually seemed to be having fun.

"You never told me you love to dance!" Carlos scolded from below. "You said you hated it!"

"I never said that," Logan disagreed. "Just that I'm not good at it. This is fun, though, and it's just you guys. Kendall, come here." Logan grabbed his hand so they were facing each other. "Dance with me, get that down, then you can kind of do it with the audience the same way. Just...alone."

It sounded weird, but Kendall thought he knew what Logan meant; the entire audience would be his dance partner. He stopped thinking of it as a performance and instead as if just having fun with a friend, which was basically what he was doing. His knee only protested a little as it twisted, Kendall barely aware of that because he was too busy getting into it with Logan.

"Awesome!" Carlos called out. "Just keep doing that!"

By that time the song was almost over, Kendall not bothering to sing the last lyrics in favor of dancing with Logan. When the music came to a halt, a slow clap reached his ears and he realized too late that it was from the wrong direction.

"Aww, look at you two lovebirds, dancing the night away. It's almost cute."

Kendall felt Logan tense up next to him, bristling himself as he turned to the right to see Lucy staring up at them. Where had she come from? "Don't start with me."

"What's the matter, ashamed to be caught with your secret boyfriend? I bet Bitters would _love_ to hear about this. Should I go call the emergency number now to let him know his nephew's about to make a mess in the ring and they'll need to have it cleaned?"

Though Kendall had noted James approaching from the next-door workout room as she spoke, he barely gave that any thought because Lucy was his main focus at the moment. It amazed him how she could go from offering a friendly shoulder to this without batting an eyelash. "One more word and my fist will meet your face, I don't even care that you're a girl. You—"

James stepped forward then, a gym bag on his shoulder as he moved protectively in front of Lucy. "Touch her and you die," he warned, gaze hard. "Lucy, go."

"I can take care of myself," she complained.

His eyes never left Kendall's. "Go."

This time she obeyed, sticking her tongue out at them before heading toward the exit. Logan suddenly realized he had to unlock the door and scrambled after her, leaving James and Kendall to stare at each other in challenge, James' hair and shirt plastered to his body with patches of sweat from recent activity. Like clockwork, Kendall's body came to life with need.

"Guys," Carlos spoke up from the other side of the ring. "Let it go. Neither of you wants to get kicked out of this contest."

That seemed to get through to James, whose eyes softened just a tad even though his voice still held steel. "If I hear of you bothering her at all, I'll make you sorry. Are we clear?"

"Just keep the bitch away from me."

James stepped forward, the bag falling from his shoulder as he moved toward the ring menacingly.

"James!" Lucy called out, waiting for him at the door. "He's not worth it. He's just trying to bait you into a fight so you'll be disqualified. Don't let him."

That wasn't at all what Kendall was trying to do, but he didn't argue the point as James halted. Adrenaline rushed through him; he wished they were back on the ice fighting this out, or even better, rolling around on a bed together and letting out the aggression through physical contact. It seemed forever before James looked away, and then only because Lucy called his name again.

"Stay away from her," he commanded as he picked up the bag and turned his back on the ring to strut toward the door.

No one spoke until James and Lucy had gone and Logan had locked the door behind them. "I'm sorry, Kendall, I should've checked the other room. But it was after hours and I just assumed nobody would be in there."

"I'm the one who should be apologizing. What if she does tell your uncle what she saw?"

"She won't," Carlos assured them. "She just likes to mess with you. She would've said something a long time ago if she was going to."

Kendall supposed that was true. "Why does she only become a bitch when others are around to see?"

"We've been through that," Logan answered, crossing back to join Carlos on the floor. "She gets off on it. Either that or she doesn't want James to know she actually likes you."

"That's probably true, too," Kendall conceded. "He cares about her a lot, I can tell."

Logan smirked, "For a second, I really thought you were gonna drag him in and fuck him right there in the ring."

"Shut up," Kendall blushed, not wanting to think about that. "But I think that's the first time I've ever seen him stick up for anyone."

Carlos asked, "Was that always your job as a kid? To defend him?"

"Yeah. He'd get scared instead of—well, wait, there was that one time..."

Kendall was mentally thrown back to his seventh year and a different day on the playground at school. He'd had a doctor appointment in the morning and so been late to arrive that day, running from the office straight to recess where he hoped James wasn't hiding out somewhere and instead being included in a game with the other kids. James had come a long way but still got nervous when alone for too long because no matter what he said or did, the bullies flocked to him.

Kendall rounded a corner and let his eyes skim the blacktop, James nowhere to be found. Maybe he'd opted to stay in for recess instead. Kendall turned back toward the building and was about to enter it when voices reached him from behind a tall clump of bushes to his left.

"Shut up!"

"You know it's true."

"It is not, you're lying!"

"He doesn't even like you, James."

"Yes, he does! He's my friend, stop talking about him like that!"

"He isn't your friend, he just feels sorry for you. He told me yesterday, he hates you."

"Kendall wouldn't say that!"

No, Kendall certainly would not. He slipped through a break in the hedge to see James' old nemesis Darren standing face-to-face with the boy, a mocking expression on his face.

"He did. He says he only hangs out with you because his mom makes him."

"Shut up!" James yelled again, anger and a touch of fear that what Darren was saying was true making him bolder.

"He's a stupid little mama's boy."

"One more word and I'll make you sorry."

"No, you won't. You can't even handle one day without him. He'll be gone as soon as he can escape you, just wait."

That was too much. Kendall was about to make his presence known by stepping out into the small clearing but James beat him to the punch, quite literally. Darren was on the ground with a hand covering his nose before Kendall could even open his mouth.

"You're wrong!" James yelled, tears crowding in now. "He's my friend, he'd never leave me! He said he wouldn't, he said—"

As James was heading toward hysterics, Kendall shushed him and pulled him in for a hug. "I won't. It's okay. He's wrong."

"He said you don't like me." James was clinging to him desperately. "He said you hate me, that—"

"You know that's not true."

Darren had worked himself into a sitting position by then, still holding his nose. "I'm telling!"

"Get out of here," Kendall commanded. "You tell anyone and I'll make sure it's not just your nose that gets hit next time."

That was enough for Darren, who scrambled past them and through the hedge. Kendall pushed James far enough away to look into his face. "I'm your friend because I want to be."

Rubbing hands over his cheeks, James sniffed tearily, "He said—"

"He's a liar. I never said those things. You're my best friend and it's gonna stay that way, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Don't be dumb, I told you that before. Who you gonna believe, me or that jerkface?"

James pulled himself together enough to search Kendall's eyes. "You said forever."

"And ever," Kendall agreed with a sunny smile. "Now come on, we're wasting recess crying when we could be kicking Marty's ass at kickball."

"Okay," James chuckled, wiping his face again. "Sorry you always have to rescue me. I know I'm a coward."

"Coward? You just decked Darren so hard he ended up on the ground! I'm actually pretty proud right now."

"Yeah?" James laughed, this time a bright smile accompanying it. "I can't believe I did that. He made me so mad, though. Nobody talks about you that way."

Kendall slung an arm over his shoulders to drag him through the hedge. "And that's why we'll always be best friends. Come on."

"Kendall?" This voice was from the present, Kendall returning to himself as Logan added, "Are you gonna finish that sentence?"

"No, sorry, I...I just remembered one other time when he stuck up for someone. For me."

Carlos made an "aww" sound. "I think there's a part of you that really misses him, Kendall. Why did you two stop being friends?"

Logan fielded that for him, seeing that Kendall was lost in memories. "He had to move away and they lost touch. You okay?"

Leaning forward against the ropes, Kendall shook his head. "The more I remember, the more I understand why he hates me and how badly I hurt him. Lucy has become what I was, except in a romantic sense, and..."

"You wish it was still you?" Carlos guessed.

"More than ever," he sighed. "Sorry guys, I'm done here. I'm just gonna go to bed."

"Kendall," Logan said in a warning tone. "You're almost out of time, you only have two more days before the next show."

"I know. I'll just deal with Gustavo's dancing teacher and make it work." Kendall stepped between the ropes before jumping down to the ground to hug each of them. "Thanks for trying with me, it means a lot that you guys care."

"Of course we do," Carlos smiled. "You gonna be okay alone?"

"I'll be fine. Text me tomorrow."

"Night."

When it looked like Logan was about to argue or try to keep him there, Carlos tugged on his arm.

"But Carlos, he's just gonna go up there and be sad, we can't—"

"Let him go," Carlos said softly, nodding when Kendall communicated a silent thank you and walked away.

Logan was right, Kendall _was_ going to go upstairs and be sad, but mostly because he'd broken his promise to James, the one that meant everything to him. It had taken little more than a year for Darren's prediction to come true, and it had been no fault of Kendall's own. He supposed that didn't matter, though, not in James' eyes. He'd said forever.

 _And ever._

He'd chosen to block that life out, James included. It was easier that way.

He'd give anything to go back and change that now.

Alone in his room twenty minutes later, Kendall sat down with the notebook again. After a half hour he gave up, managing only one sentence that by itself didn't say much.

 _I'm sorry for the way I left it._

The words still wouldn't come.

* * *

 **A/N** —The two songs Kendall is learning in this chapter are "On the Dark Side" by John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band and "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" by John Parr.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Back with another long chapter. Honestly, this one probably should've been split into two but it all takes place over one night and I wanted that to stay together instead of being broken up. So here we have week four of the competition, in which Kendall has a breakdown haha. But it's been a long time coming.

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. :)

* * *

The dance instructor was less help than Carlos and Logan. Gustavo raged while they spent half a day on his moves, then dismissed the man in fury before taking all of that out on Kendall.

He'd just have to wing it on Monday.

The good news was that he had the songs themselves down pat, and by the time he walked onto the stage Monday for sound check, his mood was buoyant. Yes, James was still at the back of his mind (especially considering he was walking around somewhere in the same building), but Kendall was determined to win this—for Logan, if nothing else.

 _And for yourself,_ a voice in his head whispered. _Your time is now._

It was thoughts like that that got him through the first performance, where they'd thankfully cut the sax solo in half but even if they hadn't, he would've survived it with grace. Logan's face from the front row wasn't distracting this time, instead the encouragement and motivation he needed to get him through.

He'd stayed inside his dressing room during James' first song, knowing that to run into him would only derail his confidence and determination to win. Kendall spotted Lucy at the side of the stage during his own second performance, noting that James was nowhere near and wondering for a moment where he was before deciding he didn't need to know. James couldn't be his concern tonight. All that mattered was winning.

For the first time, he asked Gustavo if he could be permitted to leave early. James had done so the previous week, why couldn't he? Though Kelly warned him that it might look bad, Gustavo waved a hand in annoyed dismissal. "You did alright tonight, get out of my face."

Kendall didn't give the man a chance to change his mind. He texted Logan to meet him at the dressing room hallway and was ready when his friend arrived.

"We're leaving?" Logan frowned. "James hasn't even done his second song yet."

"That's why we're leaving. You want me to win, I can't be around him."

"There's still another duet, isn't there?"

"Next week. By then I'll be over this. Right now it's just hard. I miss him and the worst thing I can do is see him when I'm like this. We have to—"

A door further down the hall opened, Kendall falling silent when James stepped out. Kendall almost choked when they were caught in his gaze. James was wearing some kind of shimmery black shirt and leather pants that were just tight enough to accentuate his ass, hair swept back from his face and eyes glowing from liner and shadow that made them stand out. The eyes turned to steel upon meeting his own, but then Lucy was pulling James along before glancing back at both of them still standing together. She made mocking kissy gestures with her lips until they'd turned the corner.

"Why is she so mean?" Logan wanted to know.

"Why is he the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life?" was Kendall's question. He was tingling from head to toe, alive and aching. "Get me out of here. Now."

Logan got him to a side exit, the cold outside helping to calm him down. All he cared about was getting as far away from James as he could.

* * *

Carlos was waiting with both popcorn and drinks, greeting Logan with a long kiss before turning to Kendall and guessing, "You saw James."

"I can't stop thinking about him," he admitted. "He was so hot. In make-up even, since when do I find that hot?"

"He did look pretty good," Logan agreed. "How long before the show starts?"

"About forty-five minutes, so we've got some time to kill. I've got pizza too, if you guys are hungry."

"I am," Logan nodded, "but not for food. Kendall's still turned on and it's not going away. We're gonna help him with that."

"Oh, we are?" Carlos grinned, knowing it was just as much for Logan's pleasure as for Kendall's.

"We are?" Kendall echoed, eyes wide.

"Yes. Carlos, go for it."

Before Kendall could get more than two words of protest out he was being dragged down to meet Carlos' mouth, his denial quickly fading away because Logan had been right—he _was_ turned on. The kiss made him hungrier so that it was he who pressed Carlos up against the back of the sofa to get deeper into his mouth. Carlos spread his legs to pull Kendall's body closer, Kendall groaning from the friction.

"See?" He could hear the smile in Logan's voice behind him. "You'll feel much better after this, I promise. You're just too wound up all the time because you never have a release for it."

Kendall broke the kiss to defend himself. "I get off sometimes. Just not..." When Carlos' lips found his neck, he gasped and gave up talking.

"Not with anyone else. Trust me, it makes a difference."

The words came from closer this time, Kendall realizing just before a second set of lips touched his neck that Logan had moved in behind him. "Oh god," he panted. Hands traveled up his back under the shirt he'd worn home, sending him into a mass of shivers. "Okay, you win. It's better this way."

"I'm always right," Logan whispered straight into his ear, then snaked a hand around to squeeze him until he cried out. "You need this."

There was no more argument. At a silent command from Logan, Carlos went to work on Kendall's pants and boxers until he was free. "How far are we taking this?" Carlos asked.

"As far as we need to. Don't stop unless I tell you to."

That was all the instruction Logan gave, Kendall able to see even through his fogged mind that Carlos was just as turned on by the way Logan took charge as Kendall was by the touch of a hand wrapped around him. Some would say they were freaks, Kendall supposed, but it worked for them and right now it was working for Kendall, too.

His head fell back onto Logan's shoulder as waves of pleasure spread through him with each slow stroke of Carlos' hand. "You okay?" Logan asked gently, and Kendall loved that even through all of this, Logan wanted to make sure of that.

"Yeah," Kendall gasped, not questioning the urge to turn his face and kiss Logan. He needed an outlet for the pleasure and Logan provided that, taking in what he had to let out or scream. It wasn't going to take long, Kendall knew that, and was too wrapped up in sensation to be embarrassed by it; he just needed release.

Carlos eased himself down between Kendall and the sofa, falling to his knees to take Kendall into his mouth. Kendall's groans turned to soft whimpers, Logan dragging his lips from Kendall's to watch hungrily. "Carlos," Kendall whispered, wanting to warn him that it would be very soon, but Carlos only took that as invitation and worked harder to bring Kendall to the edge. When Kendall came it felt like a white light exploding in his brain, stronger than any orgasm he'd ever experienced, yet one thing remained the same as always: it was James he saw in that final moment when rational thought ceased to exist and pure animal instinct took over. He let out a long cry that faded away only when the pleasure did, panting and working desperately to keep James' name from spilling from his lips.

Soft kisses from Logan helped bring him down until he could breathe normally again. When Carlos stood it was him that Kendall kissed, body still trembling from the experience. "Thank you," he managed shakily.

"You're welcome," Carlos smiled. "You good?"

"So good."

Logan hugged him from behind, kissing his neck once. "Was I right? Is this something you'd be content to do and never look elsewhere as long as you had us?"

"Maybe," Kendall admitted. Remembering the way James had rushed up into his mind at the moment of orgasm, he added, "Maybe not. But it would definitely do for awhile."

Carlos chuckled. "No complaints from me. Babe, you're so hot when you order me around like that."

"Think so?" Logan smirked. "Bedroom. Now."

Carlos' need for that struggled with his next words. "But the show..."

"It won't take long. Go. Be ready for me."

Kendall watched Carlos follow orders without hesitation. "Damn," he whispered. "It's like you're a different person when sex is involved."

"In a bad way?" Logan fretted, his lack of confidence coming to the surface suddenly as if a switch had been thrown.

"No, I don't think so. Carlos doesn't either, which is what matters. You two really are perfect for each other."

"I like to think so." Logan bit his lip on a smile, a blush staining his cheeks. "You're cool with what just happened, right? I didn't mean to force you or anything, I just know you really needed—"

"It's fine," Kendall promised. "If I didn't want it, I would've stopped it."

"That's why I gave you a chance to. Do you uh...want to join us in there? Or even just watch?"

Kendall considered it briefly before shaking his head. "Honestly I'd really love a shower. I'm physically drained after that and the whole emotional rollercoaster of James, and..." Without warning, he choked up. "I miss him so much. I know it's dumb, we were eight years old, but I miss what he was in my life."

"I know," Logan said sympathetically. "You're exhausted and it's all hitting you right now, that happens after sex sometimes. It's actually a thing, some people cry after good sex."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's a release, everything just comes flooding out like the dam broke. Go take a shower and let it go, okay? We'll meet you back here in about twenty, you can borrow some of Carlos' clothes if you need to."

"A shirt would be great."

"You got it. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Like I'm gonna interrupt that?" Kendall chuckled.

"Feel free to come in, I wasn't kidding about that. You've got to be curious."

"I am, but...the truth is that even during sex I think of James. It's actually worse then. So I'm just gonna go take my shower and cry it out before I have to watch his perfect ass move around that stage."

"We can skip him if you want. The first song he did isn't what you need to be watching right now."

"No. I need to know what I'm up against for next week."

"Okay." Logan stepped forward to kiss him gently. "See you in a bit."

"Thanks."

It wasn't until he was alone that Kendall realized his pants were still around his ankles. He laughed at himself and then slipped into the bathroom, where the memories from childhood once again crowded in to assault him.

* * *

Kendall had already found the pizza by the time Logan and Carlos emerged from the bedroom. He was lounging in front of the television in jeans and nothing else other than his shoes, the box open on the coffee table. "I helped myself," he said apologetically. "Didn't think you'd mind."

"It's fine," Carlos grinned. His hair was tousled and his eyes bright as he brought Kendall out a fresh can of soda along with a clean t-shirt.

"Thanks."

It was Logan who went to the kitchen to dig for plates and napkins before taking the chair. "Feel better after a shower?"

"Yeah," Kendall nodded. He plopped his half-eaten pizza slice on the plate Logan held out, then wiped his mouth before tugging the shirt over his head. "Feel better after sex?" he smirked.

"Always," Carlos laughed. He dropped down onto the sofa next to Kendall, making sure to use the coaster Logan shoved at him. "You ready to watch yourself? Logan said you kicked ass tonight."

"Those were not the words I used," Logan protested with an eye roll. "But yes, Kendall, you really came alive. Especially on that second song. I even remember you singing those words, 'I'm coming alive.' It showed."

"I felt that," Kendall admitted. "I just focused on me and my future and...honestly, on you. Because you gave me a reason to stay. Not like that, Carlos," he clarified in a hurry.

"Dude, I get it. Logan's amazing and I'm glad you found a friend. He needed one, too. So if that's what it takes to make you want to stay, I'm all for it."

Kendall smiled. "You're part of it, too, though. I hope you know that. I consider you a friend."

"I should hope so after I blew you," Carlos winked, making Logan laugh and Kendall blush. "Seriously, though, I'm glad you came here. You gave me what I wanted most. The love of my life."

Logan's gaze seemed to melt as the lovesick smile appeared. "I love you, too. Now let's watch this before I decide to drag you back to the bedroom."

Kendall had gone first for the intro interview with the host, who he'd resented ever since the man twisted his words about James. He'd made a point to keep those feelings hidden, though, as he laughed with the man and discussed how it had felt to lose the week before.

"Wow, thanks for bringing that up," Carlos complained. "I'd probably punch him if he kept harping on that."

"It's his job," Kendall shrugged. "I think he's hoping to get a rise out of me, honestly. But that means he asked James how it feels to win."

"He did," Logan nodded. "You could tell it meant a lot to him."

"I'll bet," Kendall said softly. "I'm glad he won contests for this growing up, because I know how much he hated losing in hockey."

When James did appear on the screen, Kendall's gut clenched; he was beautiful. "I'm so glad I kept my distance tonight. That's not what he was wearing later, though."

"No, but he wore that for the first song. It fit the somber mood."

"Another song about being hurt by love?"

Logan studied Kendall before answering. "I guess."

"You guess? Was it a love song or not?"

"I'm sure it was meant to be, yes."

"What does that mean?"

"Just watch," Logan urged. "I want your take on it."

What Kendall noticed as James' package played was that he didn't seem to particularly like the song as he rehearsed. "He's not into it like all the others."

Carlos agreed. "Doesn't seem like he's happy with it. Which is weird, you'd think that since he won he'd get to keep picking what he likes."

Logan made no comment other than, "Just watch the performance."

James took the stage with his trademark sad face already in place. "He's got such a great smile," Kendall commented. "I think he'd win more votes if he used it instead of being sad all the time."

"It worked for him last week," Carlos pointed out.

Kendall couldn't argue that. This song began with James alone, a soft guitar coming in quickly to accent his voice.

 _You called me from the room in your hotel_

 _All full of romance for someone that you met_

 _And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon_

 _And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room_

 _Do I feel lonely too?_

"Man." Carlos shook his head. "He's really got that whole tortured soul thing down. Every time he sings I just want to give him a hug."

Kendall couldn't help but laugh quietly. "Try being his best friend for three years. He needed a lot of hugs."

"Which you never minded giving, I'm sure."

"Sometimes in public I did," Kendall admitted. "I mean, I was a stupid kid and worried about being cool to a degree. But if he really needed it, I never held back. I never realized until right now just how touchy he was for a boy."

"Did it bother you?" Carlos pressed.

"Not at all. I should've guessed back then I was gay."

"Guys," Logan interrupted. "You just talked through the whole chorus."

"Oh, sorry," Carlos apologized. "Want me to rewind?"

"It's fine, he'll sing it again. But hush."

They did, paying attention as James continued.

 _Well I held on to let you go_

 _And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show_

 _There was no way to compromise_

 _So now we're living separate lives_

 _It's so typical, love leads to isolation_

 _So you build that wall_

 _Yes, you build that wall_

 _And you make it stronger_

"He's singing to his ex again," Kendall murmured. "I can see the pain in his eyes."

The last chorus hit after James built up to it, singing with the passion that came so easily to him.

 _Well you have no right to ask me how I feel_

 _You have no right to speak to me so kind_

 _Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes_

 _But for now we'll go on living separate lives_

James looked straight into the camera as he sang the last line with feeling.

 _Yes for now we'll go on living separate lives_

"That's so sad," Carlos commented once the audience had joined in with applause. "He still loves her, it's so obvious every time he sings."

"Not necessarily," Logan countered, watching Kendall carefully. "Your thoughts?"

"The same as Carlos, basically. It's sad and I feel bad for leaving him to deal with that heartbreak on his own. Though he has Lucy now, so..." he shrugged, trying not to let it bother him.

Logan shook his head in disbelief. "You are so blind."

Kendall blinked a couple of times, totally lost. "What are you talking about?"

"How do you not see that that song's about you?"

"Are you insane? He's not in love with me, he hates me."

"I know he's not in love with you," Logan replied, "but it doesn't have to be taken as a love song. Carlos, rewind to the first chorus."

Carlos did while arguing, "But babe, he's singing about love."

"Think about it in terms of friendship and it fits Kendall to a tee. 'Telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon'? How is that not about you?"

Kendall frowned, knowing there was no way Logan could be right. "It's a coincidence, I'm sure his girlfriend left him, too. And besides, he didn't even write the song. It's from a movie."

"Doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. You feel all of yours, right? And you didn't write any of them."

"It's not the same thing." Kendall rolled his eyes but listened as Logan wanted him to.

 _You have no right to ask me how I feel_

 _You have no right to speak to me so kind_

 _I can't go on just holding on to ties_

 _Now that we're living separate lives_

"Kendall," Logan said softly. "What happened the last time you tried to talk to him? Not in the gym, I mean on that stage. What did you say to him?"

Kendall swallowed, his heart fluttering. "I asked if he was okay, told him I was worried about him."

"Dude," Carlos interjected. "Seriously? Then Logan's right, this song has to be about you."

"You guys, he didn't even write it! He obviously didn't even want to sing it! He's not singing to me, it's about his ex!"

"It's about you," Logan stated with finality. "You have no right. It all fits."

Kendall still wasn't convinced, and in fact knew better, but what occurred to him then was that it really didn't matter who it was about because it didn't change the fact that the words were true. He _didn't_ have any right to ask those questions because he'd abandoned James and left him to fend for himself. "I still think you're wrong, but...the lyrics are right. We _are_ living separate lives and I really don't have the right to ask him how he feels. So..." He sighed, guilt and regret washing over him again. "I need to let him go."

Though his face showed sorrow, Logan nodded. "You do. Find your closure with him and move on. How's that letter coming?"

"I got a whole sentence out the other night."

"It's something," Logan chuckled. "I think you need to finish that and then you'll be able to let go. I mean, not to hurt you or anything, but it's obvious he has."

The words _did_ hurt, more than Kendall was comfortable admitting. Carlos saw it and suggested gently, "Let's watch your performance. I want to see those dance moves."

"Dance moves" was a bit of a stretch, but Kendall had done his job well in entertaining the crowd by moving around in time to the music and interacting with them.

"Dude!" Carlos yelled halfway through the performance. "You killed it! Look at you go!"

"I was actually having a lot of fun," Kendall admitted.

"I think feel-good music is your thing," Logan mused. "Like James is great with sad songs? You're better with this sort of thing. It's why you kept winning over him."

"That's what Gustavo said the first night." Kendall tried to remember back. "Something about how sad love songs win people over, but in the long run they want to be happy and entertained so those are the best ones to do."

Carlos nodded, eyes glued to Kendall on the screen. "Can't argue that. The crowd is eating it up."

"Yeah," Kendall laughed. It _had_ felt good. "Maybe I _can_ make a career out of this."

"You can," Logan promised. "Carlos, wait until you see his next song. It's like he's a whole new person out there, and the lyrics were perfect, too. This is your destiny, Kendall. I know you were incredible at hockey, but this is where you come alive."

Kendall shook his head. "You've never seen me play, you can't say that."

"That may be true," Logan conceded. "I'm sure it was a similar feeling. Did you ever have fun playing hockey, though?"

"What? Of course it was fun, it was my life."

"Kendall." When he had Kendall's full attention, he asked again. "Was it fun or was it just about winning?"

"Well...the winning was fun, I mean that was the whole point of it."

"Right, but just playing. Did you ever play when it wasn't a contest?"

"Somebody has to win, Logan. That's the point."

"I know, I'm just..." Logan sighed in frustration. "Never mind."

"I think I know what you mean, babe." Carlos tried for him. "Was there ever a time it wasn't about winning? When you just played for the hell of it?"

Kendall opened his mouth to argue again, then paused as his mind cast back over the years. "There was practice, but that was also with the goal of winning. And I guess..."

"Yes?" Logan prompted.

"Before I joined the league," Kendall continued. "When I was first learning how to play. I'd goof around with some kids on the block, that's how I got into it. We were just..."

Logan nodded. "Having fun. Was James one of them?"

"No, he was more...it's hard to explain. He only started playing because I taught him after we met at school. He'd moved in down the street and since I liked to play hockey, that's what we did. He got good really fast, though. I honestly expected him to go pro like me, he was fantastic. Wait, what was the point of this again?"

Logan grinned. "That singing is something you have fun with just because. It's not about winning."

"Logan, why do you think I'm even here? It's entirely about winning."

"Is it still?" Logan questioned shrewdly.

"Yes. Look, my reasons for wanting to win might have changed a little, but my determination hasn't; I'm winning this thing."

"If you keep singing like you did tonight, you are," Carlos agreed. "But hold on, how many more weeks of this are there?"

"Next week's the last episode."

"Oh, wow. That went by fast."

Kendall nodded, thinking how true that was. It felt like he'd just moved in a week ago instead of a month. The realization that he could be going home soon descended with a sense of doom. What did he have to live for there?

Logan sat back in his chair before asking, "So if you win tomorrow, does James even have a chance of winning the contest? That would be three for you and only one for him, so even if he wins next week you're still ahead, right?"

"No," Kendall shook his head. "Kelly explained it all to me in the beginning but I was only half-listening. What I remember is that the last episode counts for twice as much as the rest. So technically I could win tomorrow and he could still win in the end, depending on the number of votes or something like that. They tally it all up for the end."

"That's still a lot of votes in your favor," Carlos assured him. "You got this."

"You're assuming he's going to win tonight," Logan countered.

"Babe, you saw him. James was nothing compared to him."

"Judging off of those two songs, I agree. And Kendall's next one is even better, so you're probably right. But we have no idea what James did for his final one, we left early."

"Well, let's find out!" Carlos continued the broadcast, speeding up to watch Kendall's second performance.

"You really blew me away with this one, Kendall," Logan smiled. "I got goosebumps watching you sing about new horizons and how your time is now."

Kendall covered his face. "Stop it."

"No! You should be proud! You were feeling every single word of that."

"I was thinking about James during the first verse," Kendall admitted, cheeks still red. "It's so true, I thought I knew it all and missed out on so much."

 _Growing up, you don't see the writing on the wall_

 _Passing by, moving straight ahead, you knew it all_

 _But maybe sometime if you feel the pain_

 _You'll find you're all alone, everything has changed_

They watched him sing the song, Kendall echoing "'You'll find you're all alone.' I am now."

"You're not." Logan reached out a hand to squeeze his, Carlos quickly doing the same.

"Not with us around," Carlos agreed.

It hit him again, how much he wanted to stay here with these people who believed in him and accepted him. Panic started to climb.

"Babe, this is it," Logan said abruptly. "Watch this part, he came alive just like the song says. This is where I got the chills."

They all stared at the screen as Kendall launched into the bridge to yell out the lyrics.

 _Just once in his life, a man has his time_

 _And my time is now_

 _And I'm coming alive_

"It's true," Kendall said softly. "That's how I feel, like my time is now. Nobody can steal that from me."

Carlos' fingers tightened around his. "Take it, then. Take it and run and just be free, man. Don't let anything hold you back."

 _Don't let anybody hold you back._ Hadn't he said that to James ten years ago? Remembering that now and thinking about the way James was so determined to win, Kendall couldn't help feeling a hint of pride in the young man that scared little boy had become. "He's grown up so much," he whispered, causing Logan to glance over at him sharply.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just...nothing."

Kendall's song came to a halt and was met with thunderous applause and screams. "They loved you," Carlos smiled. "And you were loving it! Dude, seriously, this is your future. This right here."

"I know. It took a month for me to figure it out, but this is where I belong."

Logan squeezed his hand once more before letting go. "Ready for James?"

"Not even close," Kendall sighed. "Especially if it's another song about how he's so hurt. That's my weakness, seeing him hurting. Holy shit, I wonder if he knows that. Is that the real reason he keeps singing all those poor me songs? Because he knows that deep down it makes me want to hold him?"

"Hold him?" Carlos smirked. "Is that what you did during those sleepovers you won't admit to?"

"Shut up," Kendall laughed, shoving Carlos. "There were times I did, sure. When he was scared or sad or...whatever. He used to say I made him feel safe." The laughter faded with that sentence, Kendall knowing that was no longer the case and that there was someone else now who did that for him.

Logan shared, "I can see that about you. You do the same for me, make me feel like everything's gonna be okay. And if it isn't, you'll find a way to make it that way. He's an idiot to push you away."

Though they both knew James hadn't been the one to originally push him away, neither added that. "He has good reason to hate me," was all Kendall said.

"Are you sure you want to watch this?" Logan bit his lip in concern. "It's only going to upset you when you see him in pain."

"I deserve it," Kendall nodded. "He may not be singing about me, but I'm sure I caused him plenty of pain by abandoning him when we were kids. Maybe that's why he destroyed my knee. Vengeance of his own."

"Do you really believe that?" Carlos frowned, unable to see James doing something so cruel.

"No." Kendall knew better. "Just play the song."

He braced himself when Carlos pressed "play." Rather than some obscure ballad he'd never heard, though, the notes were familiar as they bled from the television. This was a song he'd heard numerous times throughout his life.

"He's doing _Flashdance?!_ " Carlos exclaimed.

"Wow," was Logan's surprised reaction. "This isn't a sad song."

"Not even close," Kendall agreed. "It's not even about love."

This explained the shimmery shirt and leather pants, though. While he didn't expect James to break out into choreographed dance moves, the flashier style was appropriate for the era. The song began with an almost melancholy vibe, James of course radiating that perfectly as he stared down at his feet.

 _First when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream_

 _That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind_

 _All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride_

 _In a world made of steel, made of stone_

Kendall's body was covered in goosebumps by the time James reached the third line, each note striking a chord in him along with the words. James had lived this, had followed his dreams the way Kendall had attempted to until it all came crashing down.

The beat picked up on the last line, James also seeming to pick himself up while raising his head and letting his body move to the music. When he sang the next verse, there was a light in his eyes that had been seldom seen on that stage. He was feeling this song as he had all the others, but this one showed a different side of him.

 _Well I hear the music_

 _Close my eyes, feel the rhythm_

 _Wrap around, take a hold of my heart_

Now James was covering the length of the stage, doing what Kendall had just minutes before—interacting with the crowd and singing his heart out.

James Diamond was coming alive.

 _What a feeling_

 _Being's believing_

 _I can have it all_

 _Now I'm dancing for my life_

 _Take your passion_

 _And make it happen_

 _Pictures come alive_

 _You can dance right through your life_

"Holy shit," Kendall whispered, chills running through him for a different reason this time.

"I didn't know he had that in him," Carlos admitted. "He's singing about his dream. Like you did, only different."

 _Now I hear the music_

 _Close my eyes, I am rhythm_

 _In a flash it takes hold of my heart_

They watched in silence as James made it through the second chorus with energy and so much life it seemed like he might burst with it.

Kendall was having trouble breathing because all he kept thinking was that this was the person he'd always known James could be. Even back when they were kids, he'd seen that muted passion in James and tried to bring it to the surface. All of the advice Kendall had given him, even at that young age, had stuck with him and now he was living and breathing it through song. He'd shaken off the pain and sadness that was holding him back. Now he was alive and beautiful with sheer happiness and excitement shining in his eyes.

 _What a feeling, I am music now_

 _Being's believing, I am rhythm now_

 _Pictures come alive_

 _You can dance right through your life_

 _I can have it all_

Kendall was trembling by the time James stopped singing, emotion overwhelming him. "That's...I didn't expect that. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I'll never have him."

"Come here," Logan commanded. He reached out to drag Kendall off the sofa and to his knees.

"Logan, I fucked it up so bad, I had him, he was mine, he would've done anything for me back then, I was his fucking hero and I threw it all away, I—"

Logan muffled Kendall's near-hysterical rambling with his chest, staring at Carlos over Kendall's head as he cried. "I'm sorry."

"I want it back. I want him back, I want him to laugh with me again and love me and come to me when he's scared or lonely and Logan, why? Why was I so stupid? Why did I do this to myself? To _him_? Why did I hurt him?"

"You didn't mean to hurt him," Logan soothed. "You did what you had to do when you moved, remember?"

"I have to tell him. I have to tell him I'm sorry. He hates me, he won't even look at me, how do I—"

"Write him that letter. Just sit down tonight and do it, everything you're telling me right now, tell him. Let it all come out."

"Now." Kendall wiped at his eyes while Logan motioned for Carlos to pass over a napkin. "I'm gonna do it now. I don't know if I have the guts to give it to him, but I'm gonna do it now."

"Okay. Do you want to do it here?"

"No." It was another minute before Kendall felt capable of speaking any further, eyes red and puffy but semi-dry. "I'm sorry, guys. I just...I always knew. I saw that in him when we were kids and I kept telling him he could be this. Not a singer but...you know. Just...his own person, that he could shine. I thought it would be hockey." He shook his head. "No. This is him. This is who he is and I've never been more proud of anybody in my entire life."

"Tell him that," Carlos suggested. "You're right, there's been too much damage done to get back what you had, but maybe you can at least get his forgiveness out of this."

"That's all I need. I want so much more, but I'd settle for that. It's more than I deserve after the way I've treated him since the injury. God, the way he looked at me in that room, I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to see it, but he _was_ sorry. He never meant to hurt me."

Fearing that Kendall was about to break down again, Logan stood up and pulled Kendall with him. "Come on, I'm gonna walk you downstairs. Babe, I'll be right back."

"Take your time. Kendall, it's gonna be okay. Even if he never tells you to your face, he'll appreciate your apology."

"I hope so. Thanks for...everything."

Carlos winked. "That's what friends are for, buddy."

They used the staircase to avoid being sighted, Logan relieved no one was in the hall as they traveled it to arrive at Kendall's apartment. His mother had left a light on for him but otherwise the place was quiet.

"Want me to stay?" Logan offered.

"No. He's waiting for you."

"He'll understand."

Kendall shook his head. "I'm grateful for the offer, but this is something I have to do by myself. It's between him and me. When should I give it to him?"

"That's up to you. What you said earlier, though. About how he might have purposely made himself weak to mess with your focus. How likely is that?"

Kendall sighed. "The old James...no. He would never have done that to me. He hates me now, though. And he's not the coward he used to be, he's so much braver. I taught him to fight back. It's possible."

Logan nodded. "Then wait. Any sign of weakness from you before this is over will only make him try harder. If you want to win this, wait."

"I do."

"I know. So then, like we talked about before. The last night. Next week, but after the performances. Catch him before he leaves. Or even here at the hotel."

"Lucy's always with him."

"I'll tell you his apartment number."

"I thought you weren't allowed to."

"Some things are worth breaking rules for. You taught me that," Logan smiled, then hugged Kendall tightly. "I hope Carlos is right, that he'll forgive you one day. You've already forgiven him for ruining your life, haven't you?"

"Yeah. Never thought I would."

"Love makes us do crazy things, doesn't it?" Logan placed a soft kiss on Kendall's lips. "Write it all down. You'll feel better after, I promise."

"Thanks. Thank Carlos for me, he's so great."

"Yeah, he is. Call if you need us."

"I won't, but...you know. Thanks."

"Good luck."

After a last wave at Logan, Kendall went inside to drag the notebook out to the kitchen table and stare at the sentence he'd managed to get out last time.

 _I'm sorry for the way I left it._

That was still true. What else could he say other than "I'm sorry" a thousand times?

 _I made a mistake and I regret it. I'm so sorry._

That was also true, but which mistake exactly was he apologizing for? Leaving James alone as a kid? Thinking he'd purposely hurt Kendall? Being a dick every time they'd crossed paths after moving here? There were many.

Kendall crossed out the previous line and wrote a new one.

 _I made mistakes and I regret them. I'm sorry for the things that I did and the way I acted._

That was better. What else?

Twenty minutes later he was still staring at the same sentences with no idea what else he wanted to say, or perhaps it was more that he didn't know _how_ to say it. Words had never been his strong suit.

"I give up," he mumbled tiredly. "I don't know what I'm doing."

He couldn't stop seeing James in his mind, the way he'd been so radiant on that stage. It was better that he'd left early, because he probably wouldn't have been able to keep his feelings a secret if he'd witnessed that in person. And wouldn't Lucy find that the funniest thing ever?

Well, nobody was here to watch him now; Mom and Katie were in bed and Logan and Carlos were...probably in the same place. What Kendall needed was to see James perform that again. And again. And again and again and again. Could he make a clip of it somehow and put it on his phone to watch fifty times a day? Was that even possible?

Kendall thought there was probably some way to make that happen and that Logan could help him with it. Just in case, though...

After pulling up the show (which his mother had recorded, thankfully), Kendall laid on the sofa and watched James' last performance over and over. At one point he went back and watched the first one as well, wondering if it was possible at all that Logan could be correct.

 _No. It's not about you. It hasn't been about you for ten years, Kendall._

Still, the words were apt, and Kendall took them to heart. He had no right to care for James or to be kind to him. He knew that. It didn't change his feelings, though.

The next five playbacks were the _Flashdance_ song again, Kendall slowly beginning to realize what he was costing James by being here and how much James stood to lose; it was more than a contest, it was his life. Which Kendall had known from the start and was the entire reason for his taking action in the first place.

Now, though, the idea bothered Kendall. He'd already hurt James so much, how could he knowingly do it again?

"Checking out the competition?"

Kendall started at the quiet voice from behind him, sitting up on the couch. "Mom. Hey. I thought you were asleep."

"Not quite yet. After Katie goes to bed is the only me time I get. I was reading. Mind if I join you?"

"Sure." Kendall sat up and scooted over to make room for her, thinking that his mother was the last person he wanted to talk to in his current state.

Once seated, she said, "You left too quick for me to tell you how proud I am of you, especially after tonight. I think you've found your path, honey."

"Carlos and Logan said the same thing," he replied with a small smile. "It did feel pretty good up there."

"It showed. Katie actually yelled at everyone in the lobby as we walked through that if they didn't vote for you, she'd come after them in their sleep."

"Katie," Kendall chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm surprised she admitted in public that she knows me."

"She's extremely proud of you, too, you know."

"Yeah."

James' voice floated to them when they fell silent, both watching for a minute before Jennifer asked, "Would you kill me if I say I'm proud of him, too?"

That earned another weak smile from Kendall. "The truth is, so am I. I've remembered a lot more from when we were kids and how he was always so scared to be by himself."

"He didn't want to go anywhere without you."

"Nope. And then I left."

"I'm sorry. That was my fault, but—"

"No, Mom, please don't be sorry. I couldn't wait to get away from Dad. I was happy to move."

"Just not happy to leave him."

Kendall shrugged. "At the time it didn't really bother me. It was just the way things were, you know? It had to happen. I've wondered, though, where I'd be today if I'd kept in touch."

"At the risk of setting you off," Jennifer said slowly, "I had lunch with him one day."

Kendall's body twisted violently as he turned to stare at her. "What?!"

"We had lunch. It was a few weeks after we moved here and I ran into him in the lobby and you were at the studio. Katie was out at the pool, and..."

"Why wasn't he in the studio?"

"He said Hawk had a meeting and that he was going in later."

"Where was Lucy?"

"I have no idea."

"He didn't talk about her at all?"

"No. Mostly we talked about his parents and the old days. I was curious to know how they were doing, and honestly I missed him. You know he was like a second son to me."

"Mom, I...how could you not tell me that?"

"Because it had nothing to do with you. We were just catching up. He told me about how he got into choir in junior high, and I think drama in high school. He's really become a wonderful young man, honey. I know you don't want to hear that, but—"

"I know," Kendall said softly. "I made a mistake when I decided we needed to be enemies. I was wrong."

Jennifer's face lit up in surprise. "Really? So you two are friends again?"

"No. He still hates me. Can't really say I blame him."

"Are you sure? I mean, we didn't talk about you a whole lot during lunch that day, but he did say he was sorry for the way things happened at the last game. Kendall, you can't honestly believe he would purposely take hockey from you."

"I don't anymore. Unless he's changed so much that he's not the person who was at our house every day for three years."

"That little boy is still in there," Jennifer smiled. "Hard to believe when you see him on that stage singing his heart out, isn't it?"

Kendall's gaze returned to the screen, where James was finishing up his last song. "He really loves to sing, doesn't he?"

"He said it's all he's ever really wanted to do with his life. I asked him about hockey and he said he loved playing it, but that it had never been his passion."

"Then why was he always so damn determined to beat me?"

Jennifer shrugged. "The thrill of the game? Isn't that the whole point?"

He'd said the same thing to his friends just an hour earlier, and yet it didn't sound right for James. "The thing is, Mom...whether he meant to do it or not—"

"He didn't."

"—it happened. My dream was crushed by him. I have nothing else. This is it for me, my second chance. And I really love to sing. I never knew it, but now that I do, I don't want to give up this opportunity because it's all I have."

"I understand that."

"I'm sure it hurt him when I left and then didn't make any effort to keep in touch. I didn't even tell him where we moved to. And I think you're right, now that I remember so much more, I think he probably did cry the day we said goodbye."

"He did," she nodded.

"But he moved on and grew up and obviously had some girlfriend that ripped his heart out and now I feel like he's finally getting past it and ready to live his life, you know? If he didn't mean to hurt me, and all he's doing is following his dreams, how can I fault him for that? I mean, yeah, he's been a total jerk to me, but I started that. We actually talked on the day he moved in, and it was...civil. Or would've been if I hadn't been rude. He's not the horrible person I wanted to believe he is."

"Where are you going with this?"

"I don't know," Kendall admitted with a sigh. "I just keep thinking...watching him do that last song...this is what he was born to do, Mom. This is his hockey. I wanted him to suffer so much and now...how can I take that from him?"

"Because you have a life to live, too. You deserve this second chance, just as much as he does."

"Do I, though? Look at the way I've treated him over the years. I left him to fend for himself when that was his worst fear. I left him to suffer alone through a break-up that almost killed him. What makes you think I deserve this more than he does after everything he's been through?"

"I didn't say you deserve it _more,_ " Jennifer corrected. "You deserve it _as much_. And you suffered, too. Even if it wasn't intentional. Did you purposely leave him alone knowing he was going to need you?"

Kendall raised a brow at her. "Mom, he always needed me. Everybody knew that."

"But you didn't do it knowing he'd have his heart broken. Just like he didn't check you knowing you'd never play hockey again. Both of you made mistakes. You both deserve this."

"I guess," Kendall sighed. "I just...did you see him on that stage? Did you ever imagine back when we were kids that he had that in him?"

"No," Jennifer admitted. "Did you?"

"Yeah. I knew he could be amazing. He just didn't believe it himself."

"Well, someone taught him to."

Yes, someone had taught him to believe. Kendall knew who that person had been, knew James had taken every word to heart. "What happens if I lose?"

"We go back home. Katie goes back to school, I go back to work..."

She trailed off, both of them knowing that there was nothing for him there. "Exactly," Kendall nodded.

"Win this, Kendall. Win this for yourself and for your own sanity. I don't think any of us can handle seeing you a shadow again." Kendall didn't reply, his gaze lost in thought as she kissed him on the cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart. Don't think so hard about this. Do what you have to do for _you._ "

Once left alone, Kendall stared at the screen without seeing it, his mind awhirl with memories of the past and questions about the future. He couldn't change the past, nor could he do anything to fix his current relationship with James; too much damage had been done.

The real question was, where was his future? It was in the hands of millions of strangers he'd never spoken to or even seen up to this point (outside of long-distance interactions on Scuttlebutter). These were the people who controlled his life. They didn't know him, or even James—yet they would decide the fate of both.

How to manipulate a mass of people so huge he couldn't even count them?

* * *

A/N—In this chapter, the songs James performs are "Separate Lives" by Phil Collins & Marilyn Martin and "Flashdance...What a Feeling" by Irene Cara.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

We're so close to the final battle. I can't believe it, it feels like they just had their first one. Much shorter chapter this time. Thanks for reading this, and let me know your thoughts! :D

* * *

In a rare show of weakness, Kendall called Logan at the desk Tuesday afternoon and begged him to come along for the results. He knew it was a lot to ask, as Logan already took one night off a week for him and another for Carlos, but mentally he didn't feel capable of facing James on his own.

"I'm afraid the moment I see him, I'm just gonna start rambling about how I love him and I need him and I'd do anything to make him mine. Please, Logan, don't let me do that."

Because it was a shorter show, Logan was able to convince his uncle to let him go for an extended dinner break as long as he was back at the hotel by eight.

" _You've got me for an hour."_

Relief flooded Kendall when he read the text on the way to the television studio with Kelly and Gustavo.

" _Thank you. I'll make it up to you somehow. Anything you want."_

Logan sent back a devil face and Kendall erupted into laughter. He knew what Logan most likely would want from him.

"You'd better be laughing over something a fan said on Scuttlebutter," Kelly warned from the driver's seat.

"Relax, I've been on it all day. Or haven't you been keeping tabs on me?"

"I have. You were incredible last night but that doesn't mean you have it won. Win those fans over."

"How was the meeting today?" Kendall asked Gustavo. "What do I need to know about the final episode?"

"That you're gonna win it."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Besides that. Did you and Hawk pick out a song yet?"

"No, that's tomorrow. Just what I need, another day with the biggest jerk on the planet. All you need to know is that they're having you two do your solo songs first, then the duet will be at the end of the show. Just like before."

"Who's performing first?"

"He is. Hawk won the coin toss."

Kelly did a double-take before refocusing on her driving. "Coin toss? Are you telling me that's how it's been decided all along?"

"Yep. Winner goes first and last to leave an impression on the viewers."

"Except with the duet, it's equal," Kendall pointed out.

"I suppose," Gustavo shrugged. "Either way, Kendall, you're going to make this your best performance yet. Even better than last night. Got it?"

"Got it."

Logan arrived just as the show was beginning, Kendall greeting him at the backstage area with a hug. "You doing okay?"

"Not really. My head's just...I don't even know."

"It's gonna be fine. You're gonna win this tonight."

"Even though he was so amazing?"

"Well, if you don't, there's still next week." Logan stepped back and then glanced around. "Have you run into him yet?"

"No. I've been in my dressing room on Scuttlebutter all night."

"Good. When are you due to—"

Wondering why Logan stopped talking, Kendall followed his glance to see James approaching with Lucy, the two holding hands as always. James' bangs fell forward over his eye, Kendall's fingers itching to smooth them back.

"Look away," Logan hissed.

Kendall did, having to tear his gaze back to Logan. "Was it that obvious?"

"Only because I know you. And he does look good."

"So good," Kendall agreed, then braced himself with a deep breath. "He's heading out for his interview."

"Let's get out of here," Logan suggested, starting to walk toward the hallway.

"No. I want to hear what he says."

"You can watch it later with me and Carlos."

Kendall ignored Logan, though, moving to stand behind Lucy at the side of the stage. Logan reluctantly joined him.

James stood center stage with the host, appearing relaxed as he always did in these segments, yet Kendall could see that he was tense.

"Is he okay?" he asked Lucy, who showed no surprise to find him behind her.

"What do you care?"

"Look, at one time he was my best friend, okay? I care."

"Sounds to me like that time has come and gone."

Kendall fell silent, unable to argue the point.

"I'll be honest," James was saying, "it wasn't my first choice of songs to sing. When Hawk suggested it, I initially argued."

"We saw a little of that in the clip last night," the host agreed. "What don't you like about it?"

"I had decided I was done singing love songs. You can only hurt so much, you know? Then you have to start living again."

"Which brings us to your second song of the evening. You were definitely living that."

Kendall saw James' genuine smile and his heart warmed.

"It resonated with me," James agreed. "It's about dancing, but I kind of substituted singing in my head, so it was perfect. Singing makes me feel alive, it's all I've ever wanted to do. No matter what happens next week, this show has allowed me to do that and I'm grateful for the opportunity."

"What happens if you don't win?" the host wanted to know, and Kendall's stomach dropped because he knew he'd be asked the same question within minutes.

"My mom wants me to work in her company, says she'll train me to take it over one day. It's not really what I want to do with my life, but I'm not worried about it. Someone once told me that if you believe it, you can make it happen. I think that's why the song had such an impact on me, it's the same idea. I believe it, so I'm gonna make it happen."

Kendall's breath had caught halfway through that, the memory of their last goodbye as children returning to him—he'd said those exact words. He fought the tears that wanted to surface in order to focus on what the host was saying now.

"If you could give advice to someone hoping to follow in your footsteps and make it as a star, what would you say?"

James licked his lips before answering. "I'd give them the best advice I've ever been given. Believe in yourself, no matter what anybody else says. Don't let anybody hold you back."

"Oh my god," Kendall whispered, barely getting the words out before Logan was dragging him roughly away from the stage area.

"Stop it," Logan commanded. "Stop it right now. This isn't the time."

"It was me," Kendall told him, "I'm the one who told him those things, he never forgot them! Logan, I was right, it's because of me that he became who he is and now he wants nothing to do with me!"

"Later. We can talk about all of this later. Right now you have to pull yourself together because you're due out on that stage in less than three minutes. Are you listening to me?"

The words did penetrate, enough that Kendall shook himself to clear his mind. "I can't believe he remembers that," he said anyway.

"And you're sure he didn't say all that because he knew you were standing right there?"

"No." Kendall knew that without a doubt. "He meant it, every word. He's here right now because I taught him to believe in himself. I really want to go talk to him."

"Absolutely not." When Kendall moved as if to walk back toward the stage, Logan grabbed his hand and dragged him back. "No. This is why I'm here, remember? To keep you from doing something stupid like that."

"But Logan..."

"But nothing. They're coming this way, so fix your face and pretend we're laughing over something."

Logan's expression suddenly morphed into amusement, a loud laugh breaking free as he squeezed Kendall's hand. "Gustavo really said that?"

Though he felt hazel eyes flash his way, Kendall resisted the urge to meet them with his own pleading gaze and instead forced himself to laugh. "You know Gustavo, always one to say outrageous things."

"Was Kelly embarrassed? I bet she—okay, they're gone."

Both let out a relieved breath.

"Kendall, I'm serious. You wanted me here to keep you from doing something stupid. That's all I'm trying to do."

"I know. Hearing him say that, though...he _does_ remember everything. I wonder if he ever misses those days, or if now they're just tainted because he hates me so much. We had the best times, Logan."

"Maybe one day after you write that letter, you can have them again."

Kendall gave Logan a skeptical look. "Do you really believe that?"

Logan shrugged. "Stranger things have happened. But...no. Carlos and I were talking about it last night after you left and we agreed that the most you can probably hope for is an acceptance of your apology. Especially when you win and he hates you for that."

"Yeah. Shit, they're calling me to the stage. Don't leave."

"Not going anywhere, buddy."

* * *

Twenty minutes later found Kendall where he'd both dreaded and needed to be most, at James' side. His family smiled up at him encouragingly as the countdown to live began, Logan offering him a thumbs up and a wink. It helped, but still wasn't enough to make him forget that he was two inches away from the one person he'd give anything to touch.

Had this been ten years ago, James would've been grasping his hand in desperation; he had, in fact, started to do it a month ago, but then caught himself and abruptly stopped. Now it was Kendall who wanted to reach out, Kendall who needed to be comforted.

James' words tonight had made him wonder if his mother was right, if the little boy he'd known _was_ still in there. Kendall recalled that there had been one night where their roles were reversed, where it had been James holding him as he cried. They'd never spoken of it after, and Kendall never allowed himself to feel so helpless as he had the night when his parents' fighting was worse than it ever had been. He suddenly remembered the sound of glass breaking, of his father yelling so loud it shook the bedroom door frame, and how he'd wanted only to block it out or run away. He'd thought James was asleep, but when the tears started and his body was quaking so bad as to make the mattress shake under them, James' arms had slid around him and held him close to let him cry. What were they, seven then? No, eight. It was only a few weeks before Kendall moved, and he'd just had his eighth birthday.

"It's okay," James had whispered, one hand petting his hair instinctively. "He won't come in here."

"What if he does?" Kendall had sobbed.

"I won't let him hurt you. You're safe with me."

They were words Kendall had spoken to James too many times to count, and along with a tight hug, they worked to soothe him as nothing else ever did. It was the same for Kendall that night, him believing James' words because he could tell James meant them. He clung to his best friend desperately; James would keep him safe.

As he stood next to James in a room full of strangers now, Kendall wanted nothing more than to feel that again, for James to hold him close and promise him everything would be okay. Were they live yet? Kendall didn't even know. He took a chance and did something reckless, something Logan would have yelled at him for doing (and probably would later), and stretched his hand out for James'. He got as far as wrapping his own around the larger one before it was yanked away violently, James not speaking a word but his anger clear in the set of his jaw and the fire in his eyes.

Luckily for Kendall, James Diamond was announced the winner in the next moment. Kendall had a perfect excuse for the devastation crossing his features, the desolation rapidly filling him. He made his way blindly to the side of the stage, Lucy watching him in concern and Kendall not knowing where to go until Logan suddenly appeared behind her to usher him forward. The moment he was in reach, Logan folded him in and dragged him away, Kendall not caring where he was led as long as it was away from James.

* * *

They hardly spoke on the drive home, Logan using his hand around Kendall's to say what he needed to—he was there.

"Thank you for coming," Kendall managed as they walked up the back staircase.

"Do you need me to stay with you? I can tell Uncle Reg—"

"No. I'll be fine."

Just before they exited into the hallway Logan stopped Kendall with a hand on his arm. "I saw what happened. I know this isn't so much about you losing as it is about that."

Kendall's face screwed up as he tried to control his emotions. "It's gone. Any chance that I ever had, any hope that there might still be some love in there for me. Or even friendship, it's just...he's made it clear. He wants nothing to do with me. He really does hate me now."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could say you're wrong, but...I saw it. And I know this isn't the time to bring it up, but it's possible the rest of the world saw it, too. That spotlight was on both of you and even though he didn't look at you..."

"God," Kendall sighed. "I didn't think of that, I wasn't thinking, I just...I needed him. Were we already live then? Gustavo's gonna kill me."

"I'd hate to be you tomorrow," Logan said sympathetically. "Your mom texted me, by the way. We didn't tell her we were leaving and she's worried about you."

"I don't want to talk to her right now. I don't want to talk to anybody."

Logan nodded. "Run, then. Just go into your room and lock the door. Turn the light off and pretend you're asleep. Get it all out."

It was good advice, and all Kendall was capable of at the moment anyway. He cried himself out for what felt like ages, mind flooded with memories of a time he couldn't get back but desperately wanted to. How had he been so stupid and blind?

The following morning he stumbled into the studio looking like death. Kelly took him aside as he was pouring himself a cup of coffee that he hoped would fortify him enough to make it through the day.

"So I don't have to tell you that Gustavo is freaking out."

Kendall didn't want to hear it. He just wanted to run back home to Minnesota and lick his wounds, maybe hide under covers for the rest of his life. Was this how James felt after being dumped by his girlfriend? Most likely he'd suffered twice as much because it had been a real relationship that had ended against his will and he'd had to learn to live without that; Kendall had lived without it for ten years and it still left him gutted.

"We need your head in this, Kendall. We're down to the final week and you need to be focused." Kendall said nothing, just continued to stare into his coffee. "You need to want this."

He turned bleary eyes to her then. "I know all of that."

"Then show it. I talked him out of screaming at you, told him I'd talk to you and make sure you're mentally ready to do this. Work with me here. Please." When he instead dropped his gaze because he couldn't face her, she said, "One more week. Just one more week of this and then you can move on and forget it ever happened, if that's what you want. But we've invested a lot of time and effort into you and the least you can do is try."

"You've been so great," Kendall smiled, and it was small but it was genuine. "I don't know what I would've done without you. Thanks for looking out for me."

"Do you still want this?"

Kendall didn't answer for a long time, Kelly's eyes starting to show a touch of panic by the time he did. "I don't want to let anyone down." That, at least, was the truth.

"Good. I know the loss hit you hard last night and you're as scared as we are that it knocked you out of the running. But it's not over; yes, we lost our lead, but now the playing field is basically even so there's still a good chance for you. You have to go after this with that fire we saw in you when you first auditioned. Where did that go? What changed?"

 _James._ James had changed everything by going from his reason for needing to win to the boy he'd lost and could never get back. "My past came back to haunt me. It's been messing with me."

Kelly sighed, her voice taking on a motherly tone. "I know how hard that can be. I mean, the whole reason Gustavo is fighting so hard to win is because of an old score to settle. The thing is, though, that the past can't keep you from living now, and you can't let it steal your future. We all make mistakes and we all, hopefully, learn from them. Learn from yours. From this moment on, live with those lessons in mind and do what you can to be a better person; that's all you can do, Kendall. Be a better person."

 _Be a better person._ It sounded so simple, yet required him to walk away from the thing he wanted and loved most. It might even require him to let everyone in his life down—except that one person who meant the world to him. Didn't James deserve that happiness more than he did?

Watching Kendall come to some sort of resolution in his mind, she breathed out a sigh of relief. "Okay. Ready to pick yourself up and get on with the contest?"

Kendall nodded once, as he had so many times to James as a kid. "Let's do this."

* * *

"I'm not going to yell at you the way I want to," was how Gustavo greeted him. Kendall took the chair facing his desk and nodded.

"Thank you. I already know I messed up. What I don't really get is how; I was performing at my best Monday night."

"Which is why I'm not yelling. The problem wasn't that you weren't amazing—what we didn't count on was James being _more_ amazing. Even leading in with that stupid love song, he still managed to best you."

"His second song was fantastic," Kendall agreed.

"Your last one needs to be better than that. I was up most of the night trying to find something that fits you. Our theme for the solos this week is rock, which works in your favor because all Diamond seems to know how to do is cry onstage. Kelly," Gustavo said as she entered the room with papers in her hand. "Hand over the lyrics."

Kelly did so before perching on the corner of the desk to face Kendall. "Remember, you promised to go along with whatever he suggested."

"I did," Kendall agreed, eyes skimming the sheets. "Which is my solo? Oh, I see. One's highlighted with our names, so that's obviously the duet." He focused on the other for the time being. "Bon Jovi?"

"Who doesn't love Bon Jovi?" Gustavo pointed out. "I considered giving you their biggest hit, because I think you'd do well with it and the viewers would love it, but this one had a more appropriate theme. Social media shows that everyone was impressed with your song about coming alive and going for it, so we're pushing that again."

"Well, my mom will enjoy it even if no one else does. She loves Bon Jovi."

"Do you know the song already?" Kelly asked hopefully.

"No. Sorry."

"I don't usually ask this because I don't normally care what you think," Gustavo began, his next words proving just how worried he was about the upcoming finale. "But I need to know that we're going to win with this. Can you sing it? Is this something you can make work?"

"I can't give you an honest answer until I hear it."

Gustavo pointed at Kelly. "Pull it up."

Kelly did, Kendall thinking that it was definitely the type of song he would excel at; it had a good rock vibe and lyrics he could sing with conviction, or perhaps might have before falling in love with James so that his world crashed down. Now, though, it was the antithesis of everything he was currently feeling.

 _This ain't a song for the broken-hearted_

 _No silent prayer for faith departed_

 _I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd_

 _You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud_

 _It's my life, it's now or never_

 _I ain't gonna live forever_

 _I just wanna live while I'm alive_

 _It's my life_

 _My heart is like an open highway_

 _Like Frankie said, I did it my way_

 _I just wanna live while I'm alive_

 _It's my life_

Another anthem about reaching your potential. This was a song he could win with, Kendall knew it. "Who's Frankie?"

Gustavo rolled his eyes while Kelly did a slightly better job of hiding her exasperation. "Frank Sinatra. Don't tell me you've never heard of him."

"I've heard of him! Just not...enough to get the reference. I'm eighteen, give me a break." He looked away from them as the song played on.

 _This is for the ones who stood their ground_

 _For Tommy and Gina, who never backed down_

"Are you gonna make me feel stupid for asking who Tommy and Gina are?"

Kelly answered before Gustavo could say anything. "Characters from their most famous song. Surely you've heard 'Livin' On a Prayer.'"

"Oh. Yeah, Mom plays that one a lot. I never really paid attention."

"So can you do it or not?" Gustavo asked abruptly, patience wearing thin. "I'm not putting you on that stage if you're just gonna bomb it."

"I'll be fine," Kendall mumbled.

"I don't need fine, I need phenomenal. I need blow the roof off the place. Can you do that?"

"Yes," he nodded, knowing it wasn't a lie; he _could_ do it. What he hadn't decided yet was if he actually wanted to.

"Okay, next up. Kelly, play him the duet. Surprisingly enough, Hawk and I agreed on this one from the start."

Kendall used the break to shuffle his papers, only half-listening when Gustavo said, "And before you start freaking out, it's not a love song. It was originally done by a boyband, so it's not like you two will be singing to each other. Can we please not have a repeat of the Queen song."

The Queen song. The one where they'd walked toward each other and ended up so close he could've easily kissed James. The one they'd laughed during and shared a nod that made it feel like old times. Kendall's heart ached to have even that brief moment of civility with James back. Shaking the thoughts free, he looked down to follow the lyrics.

 _Kendall: I promised I would be there_

 _I swear I'm on my way_

 _I know you may not hear me_

 _But that's the price I'll pay_

 _For taking you for granted_

 _You're the air I breathe_

 _I gave you everything but_

 _It was everything but me_

Kendall's heart jumped into his throat. He might as well as have written this one himself.

 _I don't know how I would ever go_

 _All alone walking on my own_

 _Like angels you were floating to me_

 _And that's how it should be_

"Oh my god," Kendall whispered.

Kelly urged, "Give it a chance before you decide to hate it."

 _James: Cause I don't wanna waste another moment_

 _I don't wanna pay for things unspoken_

 _I just wanna race with arms wide open_

 _Take a shot in the dark to be where you are_

 _I don't wanna watch the world keep changing_

 _When I'm not with you my heart keeps shaking_

 _Cover up my eyes and just start pacing_

 _Take a shot in the dark to be where you are_

 _Take a shot in the dark_

"We split up the second verse because with James getting the choruses it wasn't fair to you," Gustavo shared. So you get half the second verse, background in the choruses, and half the bridge."

Kendall only nodded, eyes following the words hungrily on the sheet as the song continued.

 _James: I promised you I'd reach you_

 _I swear I'm almost there_

 _As the road was disappearing_

 _You made it all so clear_

 _Kendall: I don't know how I would ever go_

 _All alone walking on my own_

 _Like angels you were floating to me_

 _And that's how it should be_

"You like this one!" Kelly grinned. "I can tell by your face. Thank god, we finally found a song Kendall Knight likes."

"It's...wow," he smiled. "Perfect, actually."

The bridge kicked in and Kendall smiled wider; despite Gustavo's plea, he was already planning out exactly how he'd sing it straight to James—millions of viewers and a contest be damned. He wouldn't let this end without making his feelings known, and James deserved to win anyway.

 _Kendall: I promise you I'm gonna be there_

 _I want to be there_

 _No matter what happens_

 _No matter how tragic_

 _James: Because the clock is ticking_

 _The world is spinning_

 _Our lives are passing us by_

"So are we good?" Gustavo wanted to know, staring hard at Kendall.

"We're great. I'm gonna kick ass on this one."

Gustavo corrected him. "On both of them. You're going to win this and we're finally going to rub their faces in our victory. They're going down, Knight."

Kendall couldn't meet his eyes; he hated letting Gustavo and Kelly down, but he knew what he had to do.

* * *

 **A/N—** The songs mentioned in this chapter are "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi and of course "Shot in the Dark" by Big Time Rush. You all knew I couldn't let this fic end without a BTR song. :P


	23. Chapter 23

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

We finally made it to the second duet rehearsal. It's amazing how little James and Kendall actually interact in this story, when you think about it. Still quite a bit to go before their final battle, though.

And Side1ways, I lied. You only get the answer to one of your questions in this chapter. The others will be answered in the next chapter. Sorry, I was thinking the next scene would be in this chapter but it's not.

A massively huge thank you to those reading this. :) We're in the home stretch now.

* * *

Even in rehearsal, Kendall's words proved true—he was kicking ass on the song for the duet. Because he knew Kelly could read him so well, he made sure to put his all into the solo song as well; the last thing he needed was for her to figure out that he intended to give away the win.

He no longer worried about the letter he'd been considering writing to James, as the duet would say the words for him. His only struggle would be trying to make James understand that the words were coming from his heart and that he wasn't putting on a show. Maybe their Saturday rehearsal would be enough to get that across, as long as he could somehow hide that from Gustavo and Hawk while still communicating it to James. Perhaps a whisper at some point, something like, "This one's for you." Would that even work?

Kendall spent a good portion of his time outside the studio mentally working on that problem and getting nowhere. Friday morning found him lying in bed wondering if James would completely laugh his feelings off, and could Kendall blame him? Not only was James straight with what seemed to be a serious girlfriend, he showed no inclination at all toward forgiveness. What if he just mocked Kendall's affection?

 _Then you accept it and walk away. At least you'll know that you said your piece and you tried. Maybe then you can start looking at other people._

But where would he meet people in Minnesota? He had no job there, no social life at all outside of hockey and hadn't formed any real bonds because he'd planned to be gone by now and training with a pro team. He'd screwed himself by cutting everything and everyone out except hockey.

When his phone buzzed on the nightstand, Kendall almost didn't pick it up because he didn't want to talk to anyone. Hiding in bed sounded like the perfect way to spend half the day. It occurred to him that it might be Logan, though, and he could use a friend at the moment.

" _Didn't you say you were going in late today?"_

" _Yeah, Gustavo has a meeting with Hawk so I'm free until noon. Want to get lunch?"_

" _Maybe. You need to get down to the lobby. Now."_

" _What's wrong?"_

" _Trust me, you need to see this. Hurry."_

Kendall frowned but jumped out of bed to throw on a pair of jeans and slip into sneakers. A comb run hastily through his hair along with a quick brush of his teeth passed for getting ready, and then he was taking the back stairs two at a time in case he was in danger of missing whatever it was Logan wanted him to see. Maybe James and Lucy were having a fight.

When he turned a corner into the lobby, though, there was no Lucy in sight. A few residents were milling around but as it was early, most were in school. Logan was manning the front desk, a smirk on his face as he surreptitiously watched a small group of people facing each other on the lobby's two love seats. One was James, easily recognizable and looking like a fashion model even at this early hour, but Kendall had no idea who the other three were. As he could see two of them only from behind, he casually made a slow circuit of the room, Logan catching his eye and using his head to gesture toward the girl seated at James' right. Once close enough, Kendall snuck a glance at her and looked away before freezing in place and doing a double-take.

It was Lucy, but not in any capacity that Kendall would have ever recognized on his own. Gone was the bright red in her hair, no hint of ripped black jeans or a leather jacket. Instead she wore a light summery dress covered by an open pink cardigan along with dainty sandals. What Kendall found most out of place were the wire-rimmed glasses that gave her a demure look.

His expression must have shown his shock, because as James looked over and caught his eye, James shook his head minutely and turned a pleading gaze on him.

 _Please_ , that gaze said, hazel eyes full of panic. _Please don't ruin this._

James himself was dressed semi-normally, Kendall supposed, in a pair of nice blue jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt that managed to look classy.

He looked away as Kendall continued to slowly make his way around the room, now getting a better look at the couple facing James and Lucy. They were older, one blonde and the other Asian, both dressed in a way that Kendall could only have called "stuffy." The woman said, "I'm so glad you're making friends out here, Lucille," and just like that Kendall understood—these were Lucy's parents.

"I am, James has been so great about helping me get settled into my new life. He's a musician, too. A singer."

"Oh!" Lucy's dad smiled, seemingly impressed. "Are you in a men's choir?"

"I was for a long time," James replied seamlessly, only Kendall and perhaps Lucy aware that underneath he was terrified Kendall would blow this. "Now I'm attempting to create a career on my own and exploring gospel music. I find it so fulfilling."

In danger of completely losing it, Kendall turned away to hide the laughter wanting to break free and strode to the front desk. Speaking in a low voice across from Logan, he asked, "How long has this been going on?"

"About fifteen minutes. I checked them in earlier and was about to take them up to their room but then Lucy and James came down and...well. You see how that's going."

"This is too funny," Kendall smirked, shifting around the desk so that he was leaning on it from the side and had a view of the charade being put on. "I could so easily fuck with them right now."

"But you won't, because you care about James and wouldn't want to make him hate you more."

"You know what's weird?" Kendall mused. "I actually wouldn't for Lucy's sake, either. Does that mean I care about her?"

"I guess to a degree," Logan nodded.

"She was worried about me after I tried to hold James' hand," he confessed. "I could see it on her face. She probably just thought it was because I'd lost, but it surprised me. Like that other time when she offered a shoulder to cry on. I still can't figure her out."

"I stand by my split personality theory."

Kendall shrugged. "Bottom line is if James is in love with her, she has a good heart. And she obviously feels protective of him the way I always did, so...she can't be all bad. If I can't have him, I want him with someone who takes care of him. I just wish she didn't also give me the impression she's insane and will drop him once he..."

He trailed off then, realizing for the first time that Lucy probably wouldn't drop him after all, because James was going to win. Kendall would make sure of it. His heart cracked a little more.

"Once he what?" Logan echoed. "Loses?"

"Yeah." Though Kendall felt bad lying to Logan and keeping his intentions a secret, there was no choice; Logan would only fight him on it.

"Maybe she'll surprise us."

When Kendall looked closely, he could see that Lucy was nervous under her falsely shy demeanor. She was fighting to keep the smile on her face.

"This is torture," Kendall commented. "I can't decide whether to laugh or feel sorry for her."

"Well, that's what happens when you lie," Logan pointed out. "You end up in situations like this."

"Says the guy who's dating a public figure and keeping it a secret from the world."

"Hey, we have no choice."

"I don't think Lucy does, either. She's doing what she has to do in order to go after her dreams."

When a girl stepped up to the front desk with suitcases in hand, Kendall moved aside to allow Logan to do his job and check her in, only half-listening. Most of his attention was on the show being put on twenty feet away. His gaze narrowed when Katie entered the lobby. "What's she doing here? She should be upstairs studying."

"I'll finish up with you in a moment, sir," Logan said politely, reminding Kendall that he'd interrupted.

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's okay," the blonde girl smiled. "We're almost done."

"Thank you, Miss Taylor, and remember that if you need anything at all, just call the front desk and I'll be glad to help. My name is Logan."

"Please, call me Jo. Oh no, it's okay, I can take my own bags upstairs."

Katie spied Kendall at the desk, her eyes widening as she walked by. "What are you doing here?" she hissed.

"Enjoying the show," he smirked. "Have you seen this?"

"Just...I'll explain later. Don't say a word!"

Both confused and amused by Katie's command, Kendall watched as she approached the small group. Having returned from getting the new resident and her bags safely on the elevator, Logan whispered, "What's Katie doing here?"

"I think we're about to find out."

Putting on her sweetest, most innocent child voice, Katie suddenly interrupted the talk. "Hi Lucille! Thanks again for the free violin lessons, my instructor says I'm sounding better every day!"

"What the...?" Kendall giggled. "What is happening right now?"

"Oh my god," Logan snickered. "They even got Katie in on this."

James was tense as he glanced over at them, the warning clear in his eyes. He surely couldn't hear them, but there was no doubt they were enthralled and hanging on every word.

"Aww, Katie, it's the least I can do!" Lucy was smiling. "See you tonight for another round!"

"I can't wait!" Katie exclaimed, so unlike her naturally-sarcastic self that this time Kendall had to shove a fist to his mouth to hide the laughter trying to break free. "Mother asked me to tell you that you're invited up for dinner anytime."

"Oh god," Kendall grimaced. "I hope that part's not true."

Logan bit his lip in amusement. "Can you imagine sitting through an entire meal with her?"

"Without James around, she'd probably try to get me in bed again. Oh, here comes Katie." When she got close enough to them, he greeted her with a nod. "Katherine."

"Shut up!" she hissed. "This means everything to Lucy, don't you dare ruin it!"

"How much did she pay you?"

"Nothing, I'm doing this because I want her to stay! I swear, bro, if you mess this up for her, I'll mess up your face."

"Relax, I'm not gonna do anything," Kendall chuckled. "Get back upstairs before Mom misses you."

"I told her I needed to get another pen from the front desk. Speaking of which...Logan?"

"No problem," he laughed, digging in a drawer before holding out one with the Palm Woods logo on it. "Just don't tell my uncle, because he makes me charge for them."

"Deal. I gotta run, but please, Kendall. I know you hate both of them, but please be nice. They're not as a bad as you think they are!"

"I know," Kendall nodded, a pang of jealousy surfacing that everyone else got to experience James' warmth while all he ever received was hatred and disdain. "I'm not gonna interfere."

"Thank you. If you guys get lunch out, you'd better bring me back something."

"Will do," Logan grinned.

The moment Katie had disappeared behind the elevator doors, Kendall stated, "I lied."

"What?"

"I am gonna interfere."

"Kendall! You know that's just gonna make James hate you even more!"

"Have some faith in me, would you?"

Before Logan could respond, Kendall strode across the lobby to reach them just as the group was standing to head for another location. James noticed him first, fear creeping into hazel eyes as he held his breath and waited to see what Kendall was about to do.

"Lucille," Kendall smiled, reaching out to take one hand in both of his and squeezing gently. "You're looking lovely today."

Lucy was so scared she actually trembled in his grip. "Uh...Kendall. Hi. Thank you."

"I just wanted to tell you that the concerto you've been working on is magnificent. I hear you practicing sometimes when I walk by your door. Maybe someday I'll get to hear the whole thing."

Still unsure as to whether or not Kendall was going to turn on her, Lucy nodded hesitantly. "Eventually I'll perform it in public. Thank you again."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." Kendall released her hand and turned to the older couple. "Are you Lucille's parents? You must be so proud, she's extremely talented."

"We are!" the woman smiled. "You live here, too?"

"Yes, I'm a singer. Like James here, as a matter of fact. We've performed together in the past, he's also very talented. Voice like an angel." Kendall took a chance and squeezed James' shoulder as if they were old friends (which, technically, Kendall supposed they were), then slid an arm over his shoulders. "How you been, buddy? We haven't really talked in a long time."

"I'm...fantastic. Thanks for asking." Realizing his abrupt tone might appear rude, James added, "And you, Kendall? Doing well?"

"I am, actually. Enjoying my time out here immensely. Working hard to make my dream come true, you know?" Kendall squeezed his shoulder again, pulling him closer.

James' face seemed to shut down for a moment before he recovered. "I do, I think that's why we're all here." A long arm slid around Kendall's waist, fingers tickling his side so that Kendall shivered. "We'll catch up later, we were actually heading out to brunch, so—"

"Oh, Kendall!" Lucy's mother smiled. "Would you like to come? We love meeting Lucille's friends."

James' fingers dug into his side then, a very clear warning that instead had a different effect on Kendall, who suddenly found breathing a struggle. "That's...very kind, but I wouldn't want to intrude."

"Nonsense," her father protested. "It wouldn't be an intrusion at all!"

From behind her mother, Lucy shook her head in a silent form of begging him to just walk away now. Kendall, however, could barely think with James' hand warming his skin even through the fabric of his t-shirt. Knowing he'd never get another chance to do it again, Kendall gave in to the urge he'd felt almost every time they met up in person—he slid his fingers up into James' hair, wishing it was the bangs but satisfied just to feel the silky strands that covered the back of James' head. "Sadly, I have somewhere to be. It's so kind of you to invite me, though. Perhaps another time."

It would be so easy to twist his fingers and grab hold tightly to force James' face sideways and kiss him. Kendall allowed the thought to touch his mind briefly before letting it go, doing the same thing physically and releasing James from his grip. It had been heaven while it lasted.

"We should be going," Lucy said abruptly. "James has rehearsal in a few hours, so..."

"Of course," Kendall nodded, then stepped closer to lift Lucy's hand to his mouth for a chaste kiss. "Until we meet again."

"Right."

Kendall nodded once at James before taking his leave, returning to Logan with a grin.

"I couldn't hear a lot of that," Logan admitted, "but what the hell just happened? James allowed you to touch him like that?"

"He didn't have much of a choice," Kendall replied. "Not without coming off rude, and I knew he wouldn't do that in front of them. It was so worth it, I got to touch his hair. Do you have any idea how soft it is, Logan? It's like silk."

The group began to leave, then suddenly Lucy's father turned back. "Excuse me, sir?"

Kendall froze, thinking he was being addressed, but it was Logan who answered. "Yes, Mr. Stone?"

"I'm sorry, could you have someone take our bags up to the room for us? We intended to, but—"

"Not a problem at all," Logan smiled. "I'll take care of it. Have a Palm Woods day."

Just before they all disappeared, Lucy spun back to include both of them in her gaze. "Thank you," she mouthed.

Kendall winked at her before blowing a kiss. She glared back and he only grinned wider. "Wow, it feels good to be the one messing with her head for a change."

"Was that whole thing just an excuse to touch James?" Logan wondered.

"No, but it was a great opportunity to do that. Honestly I think I just wanted to help her. And maybe mess with her head a little bit. I know how badly she must want to stay here if she recruited Katie to help her. And obviously James would want her to. God, I'm so jealous right now."

"Of James?"

"No, of Lucy! I'd give anything to have him join my family for a meal. My mom told me she had lunch with him one day."

"Oh, is that where they went? I remember watching them leave together one day after talking in the lobby."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Logan shrugged. "Wasn't much to tell. I left for my own lunch break right after so I don't even know how long they were gone."

"His hand was on me," Kendall breathed, that being the foremost thing on his mind even still. "He did this tickle thing. I wanted to kiss him so bad."

"So what happened to keeping your distance?"

"Give me a break, it was two minutes and a chance I'll never have again. I'm sure he'll give me a speech tomorrow about how I need to leave her alone or he'll put me in the hospital. But it was so worth it."

"Oh, that's right, tomorrow is your duet rehearsal. Nervous about it?"

"Only because I'm gonna try to tell him how I feel."

"Tomorrow? What about the letter?"

"I don't need the letter. Our duet is exactly what I want to say, so I'm gonna use that."

"Really? And you think it'll work?"

"No. He'll still hate me. But what have I got to lose?"

Logan had to agree with that. "Absolutely nothing, I guess."

* * *

Kendall woke up early Saturday morning, antsy. They weren't supposed to meet at the studio until eight but at 7:30 he'd already walked through the front doors after making a stop at the grocery store across the street. Kelly was there and greeted him with a sleepy smile. "You're early. And way too peppy for this time of the morning. I expected you'd come in dreading it."

"Nope," Kendall grinned. "I'm excited about today. Nervous, but excited."

Seeing that there was possibly a plan of some kind in the works, she asked suspiciously, "Do I want to know?"

Kendall shrugged. "It's fine. I'm not gonna get kicked off the show or anything."

"Good, because Gustavo's already acting weird and I don't need you adding to that on top of everything else."

"Weird?" Kendall frowned, setting his purchase in the small refrigerator. "Like...stressed?"

"Maybe, I don't know. I've never seen him like this, I texted him three times without getting an answer, and that's weird for him. He doesn't sleep much, you know. So I finally called him and he said I needed to relax and he'd be here when he gets here."

"Gustavo said that? Since when does he tell you to relax?"

"Right? Usually I'm the one telling him because he freaks out, and especially this close to the finale. But he told me to take a chill pill."

"Is that good? I never know with him."

"I never know either, it's hit and miss. I made coffee if you want some."

"I'll wait, thanks."

"What you really should be drinking is—"

"Tea, yes, I know," Kendall chuckled. "But it's early."

"One cup, and then tea for the rest of the day," she instructed.

"Got it."

"Get your butt on that phone and reply to some fans while we're waiting."

"On it."

Kelly was halfway out the door as he answered, but she turned back to look at him with that suspicious gaze again. "You're entirely too agreeable today. Did you and Gustavo plan something without telling me? Some sort of mega revenge scenario that's going to get us all canned and you guys possibly arrested?"

"No, Kelly, relax." Realizing that he probably sounded just like Gustavo, he laughed. "I promise. I just...really hope today changes things. For the better."

"I'm watching you. _Both_ of you."

Kendall dutifully pulled out his phone once Kelly left, intending to at least attempt a few replies; they did, after all, boost his confidence. Instead he was distracted by an incoming text from Logan.

" _Is he there yet?"_

" _No. I don't really know how to do this. How do I sing to him so that he knows the words are from me but also in a way that nobody else knows that?"_

" _Do you stand close to him in the studio?"_

" _I didn't even think of that. Last time I had to have a stool because of my erection. Wow I hate typing that word out."_

" _So he's standing next to you, but how close? Enough that he'd see a message if you wrote it on the lyric sheet you use?"_

" _A message?"_

" _Yeah. Something like 'This is for you, I mean everything I'm singing.'"_

Kendall pondered that. It was risky, but he supposed it might work. Though he'd worry that someone else might see it, as long as he only took it out inside the booth he should be safe. _"What if he laughs in my face?"_

" _Then at least you know."_

At least he would know. Did he really want to know?

Logan texted again. _"I still think you should've written him a letter. That would've been so much easier to pass over, and he could just read it later if he wanted."_

" _Too bad, I couldn't make it happen. This song says what I need to say anyway."_

" _Then go for it. And if he laughs, you're better off. He's obviously not into guys if he's dating Lucy."_

" _I think I'd be happy just apologizing. I don't need to win him over in a romantic way. I'd love that, but I'm good with just making sure he knows I'm sorry for abandoning him."_

" _Then write that on your paper. Maybe use the words you did manage to come up with for the letter."_

Kendall nodded as he stared down at his phone. _"That's what I'm gonna do. Thanks."_

" _Let me know how it goes. I can't make it down there for lunch but if you need to call, you can."_

" _I appreciate that, buddy. Have a Palm Woods day."_

When Logan sent back a middle finger symbol, Kendall busted up into laughter. He was really going to hate leaving Logan in a few days.

* * *

Hawk's clan arrived right on time, Kendall watching Hawk and Rebecca stroll by and tensing up when he heard James call out, "I'll be right there, I'm gonna get some—"

He'd started to turn into the kitchenette but stopped abruptly when their eyes met, and before Kendall could even think of a greeting he'd backed out again to continue on.

"Dammit," Kendall whispered. Part one of his plan was already foiled. Knowing what James had been planning, Kendall reached into the refrigerator for the canned whipped cream he'd bought earlier and sprayed some onto the top of the mug of hot cocoa he had ready for James.

It was Rebecca who returned, almost colliding with Kendall at the door. "Whoa, sorry. I just need—"

"It's right here," Kendall smiled.

"No, James wanted hot—"

"I know what he wants. I've got this."

Rebecca was surprised, sniffing at the drink before shrugging and turning away. "If you say so."

Bracing himself, Kendall swallowed down a long drink of coffee and followed her to find James setting down two stools in the booth. Perfect, they'd be on the same level and it would be easy for Kendall to nudge James' foot and then tilt the paper toward him. There was too much to say for it to fit into a few sentences, but hopefully "I'm sorry for the way I acted and the things I said" would be enough to open up a dialogue, or at least get James' attention.

"That was fast," James commented when Rebecca returned, then his brows drew together in confusion. "Where's my—"

"Here," Kendall answered, holding out the mug as he stepped into the booth. "Just how you like it. Thanks for the stool."

James stared back in silence before taking the proffered mug and shrugging. "My legs get tired."

Kendall thought it was a lie, that he was remembering their previous session when Kendall had complained of his knee bothering him. He settled down onto the left stool and drank more of his coffee before setting it aside to slip the lyrics sheet from his pocket. In the studio, Gustavo and Hawk were having what actually looked like a friendly discussion. In an attempt to get James talking, Kendall commented, "That's a switch, them getting along."

"Yeah, Hawk's weird today." James wouldn't look at him.

"Weird how?"

"Just...different. I can't put my finger on it. And look, I know last time we called a truce and everything, but too much shit's happened since then and I have zero interest in talking to you so just...let's just get through this without any drama."

"I don't want drama," Kendall said eagerly, jumping on that. "I agree, there's been a lot of shit but maybe—"

"What part of 'I have zero interest in talking to you' are not you understanding, Knight?"

Kendall swallowed, trying not to let the words hurt. He deserved them after the way he'd treated Lucy, even if she had started it. "I just—"

"Zero. None. You don't exist, you're just someone I have to work with."

"Okay, but can't we—"

"One more word and I walk."

"What?" Kendall thought that was a bit drastic. "James, I just—" When James started to stand, Kendall reached up to pull him back down. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I won't say another word. I was hoping this time would be different, that we could—"

"It's not gonna happen. I'm not the boy who used to follow you around like a sad puppy."

Kendall blinked at the admission, wishing James would just turn his head. "I never thought of you like that. We were—"

"We're not anymore."

Emotions threatened to overwhelm Kendall, who was beginning to understand that his hopes for a reconciliation of friendship were never going to be realized. "Can I at least—"

At that moment they were interrupted by Gustavo's voice. "Okay, boys, let's get this show on the road. George tells me you've got this one memorized, James?"

"Yeah," James nodded, taking another sip from his hot cocoa.

"Great, that makes it easier. Kendall—"

"I do, too."

"Perfect. We'll run through it a few times and just let you two go, then tweak it. Kendall, what are you drinking?"

"My only cup of coffee before I switch to tea."

"Excellent answer. See, isn't it nice when we all get along?" Gustavo smiled, and the expression was so foreign it almost looked like a grimace.

"What the hell is he smoking?" Kendall muttered under his breath, surprised when James actually replied.

"Same thing Hawk is, apparently. And that's the last word I say to you today."

"Fine." Kendall had another way to communicate. While the producers were discussing the song's arrangement, he nudged James' foot. James ignored him. Kendall tried again, this time using his knee to nudge James, who continued to stare straight ahead with a set expression.

"James, will you just—"

"Shut up, I don't need your shit!" James suddenly exploded as he shot off the stool, shocking everyone into silence.

It was Hawk who finally asked, "What's wrong, James?"

"He's insulting Lucy and I won't stand for that!"

Stunned, Kendall stared up at James in confusion. "What?"

"Look, you can make me sing with him but you can't force me to sit in a room with him and listen to this bullshit."

"I didn't even say anything!" Kendall protested.

"He said she's a slut and fucks everyone just to get a record deal."

"Kendall!" Kelly scolded, mortified. "You promised me—"

"I didn't say that!" Kendall was standing now too, still too shocked to say much more than, "What is wrong with you?"

"Look, you don't know me," James roared. "I know you think you can get to me with your stupid childish games but I'm not the little boy I was ten years ago. I grew up and I'm stronger now and your insults don't hurt me, they just piss me off. Grow the fuck up, Knight."

"James, I..." Kendall trailed off, pain showing clearly in his eyes but he couldn't stop it. "I didn't...I don't want...please, just—"

"I don't need you anymore," James said in a firm tone but softly, so that only Kendall could hear. Finally he was meeting Kendall's eyes, and the finality in his gaze was clear. "I can't wait to win this so I never have to see your face again."

Beyond a comeback or even coherent thought, Kendall stormed out of the booth and began running. He heard Kelly calling out to him but didn't stop, making it all the way outside the building before realizing he still held the sheet in his hand. It was crumpled now, as his heart was.

"Kendall." Kelly had caught up with him and spun him to face her, eyes widening in surprise at the tears streaming down his cheeks. "Hey, are you okay? What just happened in there?"

Kendall shook his head, bottom lip trembling. "I can't do this. I'm sorry. I can't..."

"What did he say to you?"

He couldn't bear to think about it, let alone repeat it. "I can't go back in there. I can't even face him again."

"Did you say those things about Lucy?"

"No. He just...I don't know. I have to go."

"I'm sorry, I know that whatever he said hurt you, but you can't just leave. Today's our only day to—"

"Kelly, I'm done. I forfeit. He can have this, he deserves it more."

"Oh god, first Gustavo and now you. I don't know what's going on with you two, but—"

"I'm leaving. I can't see him again, I'm going home to tell my mom we're leaving and—"

"Kendall," Kelly interrupted, holding his face in her hands. "Take an hour and get yourself together. You won't want to leave once you calm down, I know you want this."

"There's only one thing I want, and I'll never have it. Nothing else matters right now." The shuttle from the hotel pulled up on the corner, Kendall relieved to see it. "I need to go. I'll call you before we leave."

"Kendall, no, don't—please just think about this, don't make any rash decisions, we need you!"

"I'm sorry."

Those were his last words before climbing up into the van, and they echoed in his brain for most of the ride back. If there was anything that described his entire life at the moment, it was that.

 _I'm sorry._


	24. Chapter 24

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I am so so so excited to post this chapter. Not because anything earth-shattering happens in it, but because that means the next chapter is the final battle and that's the chapter I have been dying to post from the very start of this story. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT'S BEEN TO WAIT. In the meantime, please enjoy this one and let me know what you think!

We are so close, guys. SO. CLOSE. I already know I won't be able to wait a week to post the next one, so it'll probably be up in a few days.

Thanks as always for reading! :D

* * *

The last person Kendall expected to see in his apartment was Logan, but when he closed the door and turned to head toward his room, it was his friend who stepped around the breakfast bar and blocked his path. "Are you okay?"

It was obvious Kendall wasn't, his cheeks still tear-stained. "What are you doing here?"

"Kelly called me. She says you're gonna try to run."

"Fuck," Kendall mumbled. "Where's my mom?"

"Down by the pool with Katie. You're not leaving, don't even think about it."

"What do I have to stay for?" Kendall yelled. "He doesn't want me."

"You said you'd take friendship."

"He doesn't even want that! He said he never wants to see my face again!"

"Did you piss him off? Kelly said you two were fighting in the booth."

"No, I tried to be nice! He was a dick the whole time—"

"Which you shouldn't be surprised by."

"I tried, Logan. I made him hot cocoa and joked with him and tried to be friendly but he said he didn't want to talk to me at all and then suddenly he blew up at me and made up shit to make me look like the bad guy and said he's not..."

Watching Kendall's face fall apart, Logan prompted, "Not what?"

Kendall leaned against the counter, reaching for a paper towel to press to his eyes before sinking onto a stool. "He said he's not the little boy he used to be and he doesn't need me anymore."

Logan sighed, knowing that was the most hurtful thing James could have said to Kendall. "I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who's sorry. I couldn't even let him know, there was no chance to get that far. He exploded and started yelling and wouldn't listen and...Logan," Kendall moaned. "I don't care about anything anymore. I just want him to know how sorry I am, the contest can go fuck itself."

"You know you don't mean that."

"I do! I don't even care about winning! He deserves it more anyway."

"You deserve it, you've worked just as hard."

"For what, a month? He's done this for most of his life! Who am I to take that away from him?"

Logan studied Kendall closely as the light bulb went on in his brain. "You were gonna lose on purpose."

Kendall sniffled and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry, I want to stay with you and Carlos, I love it here and I have nothing there but you see it, don't you? He needs this more than I do."

"He'll have other chances, he's got a gift."

"But this is his dream, this is what he's always wanted."

"You want it, too."

"Logan..." Kendall shook his head, not even trying to stem the flow of tears anymore. "You know this is the right thing to do. I came here to make him suffer, that was my only goal at the start. Then I realized how much he's already suffered because of me and I can't...I won't put him through more of that. He deserves this."

"So do you!" Logan yelled, uncharacteristically angry. "He said it himself, he's not the little boy he used to be! He's the asshole now who tells you to fuck off for no reason, the one who purposely treats you like shit to throw off your focus. He's dating a psychopath, for God's sake! Maybe that little boy deserved it, but not this James Diamond. I'm sorry, Kendall, but he's right—he's not that person anymore and you need to let go."

"I don't want to."

"Kendall..." Logan sighed heavily, the anger going out of him. "I don't know how to say this without hurting you, but...he did. He let go. It's time for you to do the same."

The truth behind the statement only brought Kendall more grief. "I need to be alone."

"No, Kendall, just—"

"How are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"Some things are more important," Logan said quietly. "Like a friendship you're trying to save with someone who's about to make the biggest mistake of his life."

"I'm sorry," Kendall said again, dissolving into a flood of tears as he dragged Logan into his embrace. "You're the best friend I could've had out here and I'm sorry to leave, but I have to do this. I have to make it right."

Logan didn't offer any reply, and by the time Kendall stepped back, his eyes were glossy. "Don't leave yet. At least see this through. Give me that much, stay the weekend and we can hang out tomorrow night with Carlos. Give yourself one last shot on that stage to feel alive."

"I can't. I have to sabotage it."

"Do that during the duet if you have to. Just...one more show, Kendall. You owe Gustavo and Kelly that much."

"Kelly knows I don't care about winning. She thinks I'm gonna change my mind. Gustavo probably hates me by now."

"Call her, I promised her I'd make you call her. Please, Kendall, just don't run off right now. See the show through to the end instead of bowing out. Let James believe he won it because he's better. If you walk away now, he wins by default and then always has that hanging over his head, that he might not have won if you'd stayed."

Kendall couldn't fight the logic in that, knowing James would always wonder. "Okay. I'm not going back there today, though. I'll let him win and let him believe he's better, because he is. And I'll sing that fucking song with him and let it be my goodbye. But then...I'm sorry, Logan."

Logan nodded. "I know. Promise me tomorrow night."

"That much I can do. I'm gonna miss you guys."

"Carlos is gonna kill you, you know."

"Don't tell him. He won't understand. Let him think I lost fair and square."

"You know I don't like lying to him," Logan complained.

"Then don't say a word. Don't hate me for this, it's the only way I can live with myself after treating James way I did."

Because Logan at least understood that, he didn't argue. As he moved to the front door he said, "Call Kelly. And Kendall? Write that letter. I don't think you'll be able to move forward until you get the words out."

Kendall stood at the breakfast bar for a long time after Logan left. He couldn't stop seeing James' face and hearing, "I don't need you anymore."

Out of the all the things James had ever said to him, nothing cut him to the bone the way those five words had. It didn't matter that he deserved it, it didn't matter that it was proof James had grown up to be his own person—that James had, in fact, done what Kendall had always encouraged him to during their childhood. James Diamond had learned to stand alone.

"I didn't want you to let me go in order to do it, though," he whispered now. "Why didn't I see that then?"

Logan had been right; he had to see this through to the end in order for James to feel he'd won it properly. Kendall whipped out his phone and replied to the four texts Kelly had sent.

" _I'll be there tomorrow. I'll do the last show. I'm sorry I took off but I can't go back today."_

Her answer was immediate. _"We'll figure something out for the duet, just be here tomorrow. You know why James did all that, right? To rile you up and ruin your focus? You did exactly what he wanted you to do."_

Kendall ignored most of that; Kelly didn't know the whole story, though it did explain James' abrupt explosion. _"Is Gustavo pissed?"_

" _Yeah, but he's also worried about you. Are you okay?"_

" _No. Is James still there?"_

" _Lucy just came to get him. He's recording his vocals for the duet, so we can use those for you to practice tomorrow. We don't have a lot of time, though, are you sure you won't come back today? We really need you."_

" _I need to get my head together. I'm sorry."_

" _Gustavo won't like that, but as long as you win he won't care in the end. You are planning to win, aren't you?"_

Leave it to Kelly to see through him. Kendall felt no compunction about lying to her. _"I'll do my best. See you tomorrow."_

Needing to be alone, Kendall shut his phone off completely and locked himself in his bedroom, where he kicked off his shoes and fell into bed in his favorite way to sleep, on his left side in a fetal position. Though he doubted sleep would come, he needed the peace it would hopefully bring him.

His gaze caught on a corner of the notebook hanging off his nightstand and he remembered the words he'd written on the sheet to share with James. He rolled over long enough to slip the balled-up paper out of his pocket and read them now.

 _I'm sorry for the way I acted and the things I said_

Kendall supposed it was a good start to the letter Logan kept urging him to write. Maybe Logan was right. Maybe once he got all of this out of his system, he'd be able to move on from James and finally start living again.

Without thinking too hard about it, since that was what seemed to hold him back, Kendall reached out for the notebook and nearby pen, then turned over onto his stomach and added the sentence that wouldn't stop tumbling through his mind.

 _Don't let me go_

Really, that encapsulated most of what Kendall wanted to say to James. Along with "I'm sorry," it covered the thoughts at the forefront of his mind.

Sorry for what exactly, though? James should know that he realized what he'd done wrong; a blanket statement wasn't good enough.

Incorporating the lines he'd managed to drag out earlier, Kendall strung together a few more sentences, and this time there was no block; this time, they came easily so that twenty minutes later, he had half a page.

 _I made mistakes and I regret them. I'm sorry for the things that I did. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I'm sorry for the things that I said. I'm sorry for the way I left it._

 _You mean the world to me and I want the world to know. I can't find anyone else like you._

 _Don't let me go._

He realized as he read it over that he was humming, hearing the last four words as a melody.

"Don't let me go," he sang softly, heart picking up when it hit him that he was actually writing a song. He'd tried that a few times and come up with nothing. Suddenly without his even meaning to, there was a song in front of him. Was this how it happened for James? He just started writing thoughts and suddenly there it was?

It surely wasn't enough to form an entire song, but it was a start. What Kendall needed was a partner to help him craft it, someone who could make magic and breathe life into it. Only one person could do that for him on short notice, and with mounting excitement he booted up his phone to send Kelly a text.

" _I'm coming back right now. I need Gustavo."_

" _Should we tell James to stay?"_

" _No. Just us three. I need your help, Kelly. I'll explain when I get there."_

" _I'll do what I can, just come back."_

" _On my way."_

Logan had been right; even just getting those words on paper, Kendall was already starting to feel hope. James had stated he wasn't the same person now, and that might be the case. But if there was even just a tiny bit of that friend who'd laid in bed with him and held him as he cried somewhere in James now, Kendall was going to reach him.

* * *

"You're insane," was Kelly's reaction.

Standing next to her in the kitchenette, Kendall didn't disagree. "I know."

"You can't change the song two days before the show."

"We did it the day before last time and I ended up winning that night. Remember?"

"But that was a song that was already written! You don't even have a real song here, Kendall!"

"I will with Gustavo's help. Please, Kelly, this is important to me!"

"What should be important is this contest! I know you're going through some crisis but we took a chance on you, you can't just—"

"Weren't you the one telling me life is about more than getting even? That love _can_ win contests and I could use a little heart?"

That brought Kelly's arguments to a halt. "This is about love? Did you write some song to get Logan back? Did he break up with you when you told him you wanted to leave?"

Kendall rubbed a hand over his face and silently prayed for patience. "Logan and I aren't together, we never were."

"It's almost over, you can admit it now. I won't say anything."

"Kelly, no, we're just friends. We have been from the start. You met Logan's boyfriend, remember? Carlos?"

"Then who in the world would you—oh my god." Her face changed. "Diamond? Are you telling me you're in love with _James?_ "

Not denying it, Kendall begged, "Please, Kelly. This is my only chance to get through to him before it's over and one of us is gone. I know he's with Lucy and I know he isn't into guys but help me at least tell him I'm sorry for everything I did to him. Help me tell him that...I need him."

Kelly ripped the notebook from Kendall's grip and skimmed over what he'd written. "Oh Kendall," she whispered. "You sweet, sweet boy. You know you can't win with this, it's..."

"I know, it sucks. It's my first song. But wouldn't you say love is more important than winning in the grand scheme of things?"

After pressing a hand to his cheek, Kelly smiled. "Come on. It'll probably take us an hour to break Gustavo down, so we need to get started right away."

* * *

"Absolutely not."

Having expected that exact reaction from Gustavo, Kendall stood firm. "It's important to me."

"I don't care. We don't have enough to time to write a song and get it ready for Monday."

"The song is half-written," Kelly pointed out. "You know you write best under pressure. You've written a song in two hours."

"That was a good song," Gustavo argued. "This is..." Gesturing toward the notebook, he finished, "I don't even know what this is."

"It's the best I can do on my own is what it is," Kendall told him. "I need you to make it good."

"This can't be helped."

"Gustavo," Kelly pleaded. "Work your wizardry with it. Sit down with him and try, together the two of you can—"

"I write alone. Always have, always will."

"This is important to Kendall!"

"And winning this contest is important to me! I'm in charge, have you two forgotten that? I make the decisions, I pick the songs, I tell Kendall what to do. He's singing the Bon Jovi song and that's final."

Gustavo's tone brooking no argument, Kendall looked at Kelly in desperation. She took a deep breath and yelled, "He's doing this song or I tell the world what I saw earlier when I walked into your office and—"

"Okay, okay!" Gustavo cried in a panic, waving his arms to shush her. "Fine, you win! We'll write the song and lose, is that what you want?"

Kendall could hardly believe it. His curiosity was piqued regarding what Kelly had seen, but that could wait for later. "You mean it? We'll do it?"

"Not if you aren't in the studio in two minutes. We've got a lot of work to do and not enough time to do it. If you show me you're serious about this, we can make it happen."

"I am! Totally! Thank you, Gustavo!"

"Thank me by winning. Kelly? Set up the soundboard."

"Done." She waited until he'd swept out of the room to wink at Kendall. "Less than ten minutes, that's a new record. Now go in there and make magic. And Kendall? For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"That you won't get what you want. I know what it's like to love someone you can't have."

Kendall's gaze dropped along with his heart. "As long as he knows I'm sorry, that's what I care most about. I'm going to bleed my heart out on that stage and spill everything but it'll be worth it if he knows."

"Then we'll make sure he does."

* * *

It took Kendall and Gustavo less than an hour to complete the actual lyrics (Gustavo only adding a few, surprisingly), then they worked on the music. "It's going to be very simple," Gustavo warned. "Nothing exciting because we don't have a lot of time."

"I don't care, just make it work. All I need is a way to sing it Monday night and to make sure he hears it."

Gustavo rolled his eyes. "I should've known you had a thing for Diamond. You fight with him too much."

"You fight with Hawk just as much," Kendall pointed out, recalling Kelly's comment about finding Gustavo doing...something. "Why exactly _are_ you in such a good mood today?"

"None of your business. You do realize that if you perform this song, you're guaranteed to lose, right? I wasn't joking about that."

Kendall nodded slowly. "And I'm sorry about that. It's not fair to you and Kelly, you guys put so much time and effort into me. I really did go into this wanting to win."

"I know you did," Gustavo sighed, and Kendall was surprised that he sounded more resigned than angry. "You lost that fire along the way."

"I just...I realized I was wrong. It was wrong to steal his dream."

"He stole yours first."

"Not intentionally, though."

"Are you sure about that?" Gustavo asked. "He is quite the asshole."

Kendall shook his head. "Not now that I remember so much about him. He'd never purposely hurt me."

"Kendall, I watched him do it just today. I don't know what all that was about, but there's no question he hurt you."

That much was true. "Well...he wouldn't steal hockey from me. I know that. The rest...okay, you may have a point. But to be fair, I treated him like a dick from the moment he arrived."

"Whatever. Let's just put this thing to music and let you be a whiny lovesick idiot for a change."

Strangely, Kendall wasn't offended by the insult. "Thanks."

* * *

Sunday night proved to be both fun and sad at the same time. Logan managed to get out a few hours early, leaving them enough time to watch a movie together while cuddled up on the sofa in Carlos' apartment. For once, Kendall wasn't dying to be touched, and he knew it was because of his feelings for James. Though Carlos and Logan had a few moments where their focus was on each other rather than the movie, for the most part Kendall was content to snuggle up and just enjoy being in their presence.

As he was taking his leave, Carlos invited him to stay, Logan's gaze begging for the same from over Carlos' shoulder. Part of Kendall wanted to, knowing this would be his last opportunity to experience all the things they could show him before he moved back home; it was doubtful he'd find anyone in Minnesota to be with, at least not for a long time. James held him back, though, the truth that nobody could compare hard to ignore.

Logan's hug goodbye at Kendall's door lasted much longer than usual, Kendall feeling the desperation to cling to him behind it and hating himself for that, for helping Logan to open up and come out of his shell only to abandon him. It seemed to be what he did best. "I'm sorry," Kendall whispered, self-loathing choking him up.

"Me, too." Logan hugged him tighter.

"You'll be okay, you've got Carlos and he'll take care of you."

"Yeah."

They both knew it wasn't the same, though. Romantic relationships weren't guaranteed to last; friendships weren't necessarily either, but they stood a much better chance. "We're still gonna talk, right? Text or call or whatever. I don't want to just give you up, Logan."

"I'm starting school soon but you can call anytime. Everything's gonna change now, you're leaving and I'm starting school out here and won't have a lot of time for Carlos and...you were one of the reasons I stayed here. I wish I could say the same, that you stayed here for me."

"Ah, Logan." Kendall held him close as he cried, his own tears dripping into Logan's hair. "If I could lose this and still stay, I would. At least here I have friends."

"I know."

Kendall was mentally thrown back to the last goodbye, the one that in a roundabout way had brought him here. He remembered hugging James, remembered James trembling in his arms, and remembered kissing his neck. It was a weird thing to do, especially at that age, yet it had felt natural with James. It felt natural with Logan, as well, and he did it now along with saying what he should have ten years ago. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too." Logan stepped back abruptly, wiping at his eyes. "This isn't goodbye, we still have tomorrow and Tuesday, right?"

"We do," Kendall nodded. This might be their last moment alone, though. "Thank you. I don't know if I've ever actually thanked you for being a friend."

"You have," Logan smiled. "Thank you for the same. You're the best I've ever had."

Kendall's lips quirked up and he leaned down, tipping Logan's chin up for what would probably be their last kiss. Logan met it willingly, Kendall savoring it as his mouth teased Logan's into opening briefly, then he stepped closer again and slid his arms around Logan's neck for a desperate hug.

"Get a room, assholes."

Kendall jolted, gasping as he looked up to see James' back retreating down the hall. How had he not even heard him approach? "James—"

Before he could get anything else out, James slid a card into the lock of the apartment next door and disappeared while Kendall watched in shock. "Whose apartment is that?"

"His," Logan answered.

"He's been right next door to me this whole time? Why didn't you tell me that?"

"I'm not allowed to. Would it have changed anything?"

No, Kendall supposed it wouldn't have. Still, the idea of James being separated from him by nothing more than a wall was torture. "So close...yet so far away."

"I'm gonna get back upstairs now."

"Logan..."

"Go to bed. You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow. Did you ever write him that letter?"

"I turned it into a song, actually. Gustavo and I worked on it all day. I'm singing it tomorrow night. I might need your help making sure he hears it."

"Me? How am I supposed to make that happen?"

"Maybe you can talk to Lucy or something. Or...I will. I don't know. I'll figure it out tomorrow. Can't believe it's the last show already."

"I can't believe you're willingly throwing it away."

Kendall tilted his head to study Logan. "Can't you, though? Knowing me the way you do, can you honestly think I'd do anything else?"

It took a moment, but Logan sighed and visibly gave in. "No. You have to do the right thing, and in your mind that is the right thing."

"Isn't it? This is his dream."

"I know. I get it, I guess. I just wish I didn't have to lose you for it to happen."

"You're not losing me. I promise, Logan, I learned from my mistakes. I'm not letting you go."

"Good," Logan smiled. He hugged Kendall one last time and then turned away. "Text me tomorrow."

"You know I will. Night. Thanks for the movie."

"Thanks for spending time with us." He looked back to say, "Carlos really likes you."

"He's a great guy. I'm glad you two finally got together."

"Thanks to you. See ya, Kendall."

"Bye."

* * *

Kendall laid in the dark, hand pressed to the wall that kept him from the love of his life. Was Lucy there now? Did she stay over at night, sleep in his bed and keep him from loneliness? Were they even now tangled between the sheets in passion?

He closed his eyes, imagining himself there with James, the visions immediately causing his body to heat up. If he'd not blocked James out of his life, would they ever have gotten there? Would he have been the one James reached out to in the dark, when he was old enough to be curious about sex? Why had his family moved in the first place?

Kendall knew why, though, and he didn't regret that. He remembered how many times he'd caught his mother crying and how she'd trembled sometimes when he hugged her. Moving from that monster had been the right thing to do.

Moving from James, though...

Eyes still closed, Kendall sang softly, "You mean the world to me, I want the world to know, don't let me go, don't let me go...I can't find no one else like you..."

The song wasn't great; it wasn't going to win any awards, let alone a contest. He'd sing it tomorrow anyway, in a plea that wouldn't work and wouldn't change anything, but would hopefully at least bring him closure.

He'd said goodbye to James once and meant it. James had done the same, obviously hoping it wouldn't be the last time. Kendall had thrown that away. They'd say goodbye again in two days, this time for good. Such an intense yearning rose in Kendall that his fingers scrabbled at the wall in desperation.

"Don't let me go," he whispered, sadness overwhelming him into tears that poured out onto his pillow until exhaustion dragged him into sleep.

* * *

A/N—In case you're not familiar with it, the song Kendall wrote and will sing at the final battle is "Don't Let Me Go" by Heffron Drive. It felt appropriate. :P


	25. Chapter 25

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I couldn't wait any longer, so I'm posting tonight. FINALLY. WE ARE FINALLY HERE, THE FINAL BATTLE. There's not a lot to say about it, so I'll just let you read. I'm nervous and excited about this chapter.

Also, the next two chapters will be flashbacks from James' point of view. I wasn't sure how to include them. Considering doing it as a separate story like a companion piece, but decided it needed to be part of this. James' side of the story needs to be told before he and Kendall can move on and figure out how to proceed with their lives.

* * *

Kendall expected he'd pass the next day like a zombie, dread making him run through the motions of living. Instead, what he discovered as he showered the following morning was that he was excited.

Today was the day he would make James Diamond's dreams come true.

Obviously James would have something to do with it as well, but with Kendall's help there would be no question—James was going to win not only the contest, but a recording contract and a future doing what he loved most. Though Kendall experienced a small pang whenever he stopped to remember that by giving James this he was losing it himself, it wasn't enough to make him swerve from his course. James deserved this.

He arrived at the studio in good spirits, surprised to find Gustavo in the same. "Thank you for not hating me," Kendall said as they were preparing to leave for the television studio after hours of rehearsal. "I know how badly you wanted to beat Hawk."

"Kendall," Gustavo began, resting an arm over his shoulders to lead him toward the lobby, "I've learned a lot of things through this experience. One, don't let Kelly catch you doing something she can blackmail you with."

From behind them, Kelly laughed. "Did you tell Kendall about that?"

"He doesn't need to know, so just keep your mouth shut."

Even more curious now, Kendall considered asking but let it drop; he'd get it out of Kelly eventually. "What's the second thing you learned?"

"That there are more important things in life than winning. I mean, who doesn't love to win? Who doesn't want to be the best?"

"I always did before moving here."

"So you get me. Sometimes, though...the happiness of another person is more important, and if you have the power to give them that happiness...you know?"

Kendall nodded with a smile. "I know. And that's all I'm doing today."

Kelly moved up to Kendall's right side once they were outside the building. "I'm proud of you. Both of you, actually. You two finally learned the meaning of life."

"Or at least the meaning of love, in my case," Kendall sighed. "Sacrifice. I think sacrifice is the ultimate meaning of love."

"Well said!" Gustavo agreed. "Let's go give away our dreams so others can be happy."

Gustavo was shut away in the passenger seat before Kendall turned to Kelly. "He's in love with Hawk, isn't he?"

"It's a long story," was all Kelly would share. "Maybe one day he'll tell you about it."

Considering Kendall was only here for two more days, he hoped it would be soon.

* * *

Walking through the stage area and the hallways felt surreal to Kendall, almost like a dream. He still had the following day's results show, but this would be his last time truly experiencing the building where he'd learned just how much he loved to sing and perform. After running through his sound check, he made a point to thank the crew members he'd gotten to know during the process, and each wished him luck. Three of them confided they hoped he would win, making him feel a moment's guilt until he spun around to leave the stage and spied James stepping onto it.

For a moment he couldn't look away, James somehow glowing in nothing more spectacular than ripped jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt. It was the most stripped-down Kendall had ever seen him on this stage and yet it was so true to the James Diamond he'd grown up with that it gutted him, making him ache to hold his childhood friend in his arms. He could have easily escaped the stage on the side nearest him, but Kendall needed to be close while he could and so walked slowly past James toward the other wing. He felt James glance over and immediately met the gaze, which for one second showed a glimpse of the old James before the hatred returned. "I thought you were done."

"I am. Just...leaving."

"We have a show to run here, so could you maybe hurry it up?"

Refusing to let the tone hurt, as he knew James would continue to lash out like this and that it was deserved, Kendall nodded. He stopped after three more steps, though, looking back over his shoulder. "Hey."

James rolled his eyes before deigning to give Kendall his attention again.

"Good luck. You really have so much talent and I'm sorry that it took me this long to see it."

Hazel eyes turned to stone. "Nice try, but it's too late to get in my head. I don't care what you think anymore, so nothing you say is going to mess with me."

"Yeah," Kendall sighed. "I know. But you also know me well enough to know when I'm lying. And when I'm not. So. Good luck."

After a firm nod, Kendall left the stage at a quicker pace, this time not looking back. He couldn't stand to see more of the hardened heart he'd helped create.

* * *

"Two things."

Standing at the side of the stage to watch James run through his songs, Kendall glanced back at the sound of Gustavo's voice. "What?"

"Come with me, we won't be able to hear each other over this."

"No, I want to watch him."

"You'll see him tonight, we don't have time for this."

Kendall reluctantly let Gustavo drag him from the stage area and toward the dressing room. "What's wrong?"

"They don't want you to do the song."

His momentum stopped, Kendall freezing in place. "What? Too bad, I'm doing it."

"It doesn't go with the theme, which was rock."

"I don't care. What are they gonna do, refuse to let me perform? This is the last night, they can't boot me off."

"Which is exactly what I told them when they informed me you needed to do the Bon Jovi one. So you're welcome, you get to sing your horrible love song."

"Really? Thanks!" Shocking even himself, Kendall launched forward to pull Gustavo into a hug.

"Okay okay back off, I don't do hugs. Ew."

Kendall laughed while hugging him tight anyway. "I'm glad it was you I got and not Hawk. Just so you know."

"You should be. Now can you not...thank you." Feeling much better when Kendall stepped away, Gustavo continued. "Let's go find Kelly to discuss the second thing."

The three of them were seated in Kendall's dressing room before Gustavo said, "They want you and James to run through the duet together before the show."

"Oh. That's awesome, let's do it!"

"He's refusing," Kelly shared.

Kendall blinked slowly at Kelly, his heart clenching. "Why?"

Kelly sighed. "He's actually trying to pull out of the duet altogether."

"What? Why? I thought it was mandatory."

"It is," Gustavo agreed. "But he says..."

It was Kelly who continued when Gustavo hesitated. "He says he doesn't want to share a stage with you. He's throwing a full diva fit and threatening to walk away from the show if they make him do it."

"What the hell? What sense does that even make? He can't walk away, there'd be no show."

"Exactly, which is why he knows they'll give in. Just like you with changing your song at the last minute."

"Dammit," Kendall complained. He stood up and turned away from them, fighting tears. "Does he really hate me so much that he can't even look at me?"

"I'm sorry." Kelly's hand was suddenly on Kendall's shoulder, squeezing gently. "We have a back-up song for you at least, should he get his way. You still remember the Bon Jovi one, right?"

"Of course, I just..." Kendall ran a hand across his eyes. "I was going to use the duet, along with my own song, to...you know?"

"I know." Kelly pulled until Kendall was facing them again. "This was all going on while you were doing sound check, and Hawk said he'd work on James to convince him to do the duet. So it might still happen."

"It won't." Kendall shook his head. "James isn't gonna give on that. He hates me too much. He's going first tonight, right?"

Gustavo nodded. "Yes."

"Good. So he'll go out there and be fantastic, then I'll go out there and sound like crap compared to him. All I care about is that he wins."

"Kendall, what are you gonna do once you're back home?" Kelly wondered.

"I don't know," he admitted. "Just...try to keep living, I guess."

"Are you _sure_ you want to do this? It's not too late to do the other song and—"

"Positive. That's the one thing I do know. James is going to win this."

"Okay, then. You've got about an hour. Is everyone coming tonight?"

"Yeah, Mom and Katie will be here soon. Logan at some point."

"Good. We'll be out by the stage if you need anything."

"Thanks."

Once alone, Kendall's thoughts were too loud. He wanted to be around others, he wanted to be alone; the enormity of what he was about to do was sinking in, the knowledge that he was purposely walking away from his future.

 _It's just one path_ , his mother would have said. _There are others. Find the path you're meant to go down._

This was James' path, not his. For awhile they'd walked the same path, and it felt good to have him close again—even if they never quite walked together. Now it was Kendall's turn to take the fork up ahead.

Alone.

Panic scratched at his chest. Was this how James had felt the day he moved away?

 _Worse. He felt worse because he was losing his safety net. Let him have this._

Unable to sit but instead pacing the small room, Kendall wished Logan would hurry up and get here to save him from his own mind.

* * *

Logan couldn't get away until close to showtime, making it Kendall's mother who provided the distraction he needed. "Where's Katie?" he asked when she walked into the dressing room alone.

"She stopped to talk to Lucy. Don't get mad, they're friends."

"I'm not," Kendall admitted. "I think Lucy's got a good heart under all her split personalities. If she didn't, James wouldn't be with her. Unless she only shows him one side of herself..." That was something to ponder. Should he be concerned for James?

No. He'd already known Lucy would most likely break James' heart. Nothing he could do about it.

"Either way, she seems to make James happy, so...enough about him." Jennifer smiled up at Kendall. "How are you?"

"Nervous," Kendall sighed.

"Is Logan coming?"

"He'll be here as soon as he can. I wish he'd hurry."

"It's gonna be fine, honey," she promised. "You're gonna go out there and blow everyone away and I know how hard it is on you to think of James losing, because you _do_ care, but you need to think of yourself. Do this for you."

Kendall couldn't meet her eyes. "What's meant to be will be."

"You're meant to win this." After hugging him tight, she said, "I need to get in my seat, we're only about ten minutes away. You're gonna be amazing, Kendall. Make me proud."

He hoped that one day she'd be able to see it his way, that she'd be proud of him for sacrificing something so monumental for someone who deserved it more. "I will."

Kendall's phone buzzed a minute later and had him letting out a relieved breath.

" _Waiting to pull into the lot now. Are you up first?"_

" _No, he is. I just have to do the intro thing but then I'm done until it's my turn. Come straight backstage."_

" _Got it. See you soon."_

He was about to return the phone to his pocket when the symbol for the Scuttlebutter app caught his eye. Kelly hadn't bothered him once today to post on it, and Kendall knew that was because she no longer was desperate for him to win. He thought now of the fans who'd believed in him, in those he would be letting down tonight. Guilt crushed him so that he opened the app and prepared a new post.

" _Whatever happens tonight, I'm thankful to all of you who believe in me._

Remembering that James had to believe he would be winning fair and square, Kendall added one more thing before sending the post through.

 _Don't forget to vote. Let's kick ass tonight!"_

A text from Kelly came in almost immediately. _"Perfect post. Is there nothing I can say to change your mind?"_

" _No. I'm sorry. Any word on the duet?"_

" _He's still resisting."_

"Dammit, James," Kendall murmured. Which reminded him, he needed to find Katie or at least Lucy to pass on how important it was that James hear his song. Now down to seven minutes, Kendall headed out of the room and down the hallway. He searched the entire backstage area and found Hawk with Rebecca, but no sign of James or Lucy. He sent a text to his sister, who obviously wasn't paying attention to her phone because he received no answer. After peeking out from backstage, Kendall frowned; Katie wasn't in her seat, either.

Was she still with Lucy? Where was Logan? Why was all of this so hard?

Finally biting the bullet, Kendall jogged back to knock on James' dressing room door. When it opened, James' eyes were wide for a second before the usual dislike came over them. "What do—"

"I'm looking for Lucy."

"She's not here."

"Where is she?"

"What am I, her keeper?"

Kendall grasped for patience. Then again, maybe he could just tell James himself. Gazing into the glare aimed his way, though, he knew better; James would do the opposite of anything he asked. "You have no idea where she is?"

"She was running around with your sister last time I saw her."

"Damn," Kendall sighed.

"I already told you I don't want you anywhere near her."

"Relax, I just have to ask her for a favor. Please tell her I need to talk to her as soon as possible." Sensing that James was disinclined to help him in any way, Kendall added in a softer voice, "Please."

For one second there was a flash as James' stony exterior wavered. "Fine."

"Thank you."

"I still hate you."

Kendall's heart cracked. "I know."

"But..."

Now his breath caught, Kendall waiting in agony for whatever else James had to say.

"Good luck."

Kendall swallowed hard. Emotion skyrocketed as he fought to keep from spilling out his feelings; the song would do that for him. "Thanks."

The door slamming in his face felt like a symbol of what was happening between them. It had opened for a short time and now was about to close again. Kendall pressed his hand to the wood, wishing it didn't exist. "I love you," he whispered.

"Kendall!"

Logan's voice was like sanity returning. "Logan!" He ran down the hall to scoop his friend up in a hug, feeling both stronger and weaker as the feelings came to the surface. "Thank you for being here."

"Wouldn't miss it. You sure you want to do this?"

"More positive than ever."

* * *

The intro interview was a breeze to fake his way through, Kendall putting on the show of excitement for his upcoming performances and stating that he felt good about them. When asked to say something to all the fans out there who were watching tonight, he thought it over briefly but then said the same thing he had on Scuttlebutter about those who believed in him, and it was heartfelt when he thanked them. He also added, "When you vote after this, do what your heart tells you. Vote for the one who really deserves it." That was sure to piss James off, should he ever actually watch this, but Kendall didn't care; let James continue to think he was a dick.

It bothered him that Katie's seat was still being used by a seatfiller. Where the hell was his sister?

The second he was off the stage, he texted Logan. _"Where's Katie?"_

It wasn't until commercial break that Logan replied. _"Your mom's wondering the same thing. She hasn't seen her since they got here."_

" _Lucy's with her and she's missing, too. What the hell is going on?"_

" _Lucy's not with James?"_

" _No, he's back here with Hawk getting ready for his performance. Do you think they had a fight?"_

" _That could work in your favor."_

" _Right? Should I try talking to him? No, he'll just think I'm trying to mess him up. Is there any way you can come back here and make sure he watches my performance?"_

There was no answer to that, Kendall frustrated as he stood away from everyone else. James was being given a last-minute pep talk by Hawk and Rebecca. Clad in the same outfit from earlier along with the addition of his leather jacket, he looked extremely nervous, Kendall again frowning over the absence of Lucy. Shouldn't this be when he needed Lucy most? Kendall was half-tempted to go take over for them, knowing what James needed to hear better than Hawk and Rebecca anyway.

James' attention was arrested by Logan entering the area, Kendall watching as hazel eyes followed Logan's progress with a glare. When Logan neared Kendall, James dropped his gaze, piquing Kendall's curiosity.

"I thought James liked you," was Kendall's greeting.

"He did. He hasn't seemed quite as friendly since that night in the gym."

"Well, you're my friend, and he hates me, so..."

"He still talks to Carlos, though. And he knows Carlos is a friend."

"I don't know. Why do I even bother trying to figure him out?"

"Because you love him and you can't help it," Logan shrugged. "Gonna make it hard to convince him to do anything I ask, though."

"I know," Kendall sighed. "Where the hell is Lucy? Or even Katie, they just disappeared without a—oh."

Katie had suddenly appeared around a corner. She beckoned him from the hall, gestures and expression showing urgency.

"Come on."

Without explanation Kendall dragged Logan after him, not surprised to also find Lucy present once they'd entered the hallway. "Is this some plan to tie me up so I miss my performance and James wins? Because—"

"Just shut up!" Katie hissed. "We're out of time!"

It was James' dressing room they were led to at a run, Kendall unable to keep from looking around once inside. It was disappointing in that it was a twin to Kendall's own other than a gym bag that most likely belonged to James. "Were you in here the whole time?" Kendall questioned. "Did James lie to me earlier?"

"No, just...shut up for a second!" Lucy yelled. "We've spent all night trying to talk James out of it, but he won't budge, so we're coming to you instead. He's gonna throw the contest."

The room was silent for a full five seconds while Kendall and Logan absorbed that. "What?" he finally managed.

Lucy rubbed her face in frustration. "It's been his plan from the start. That's the only reason he flew to Boston and made sure to get on this show, because he was determined to make sure you won. He felt horrible about hurting your knee and ruining your life and he just...Kendall, you can't let him do this, he's throwing away his whole life!"

Kendall was too stunned to speak as his brain tried to compute it all. Logan's gaze narrowed, though, not at all convinced. "How do we know this isn't some attempt to get Kendall to lose on purpose?"

Though Lucy groaned in frustration, Katie argued, "It's not! I didn't know any of this until tonight, but Kendall, it's true!"

"It can't be," Kendall said slowly. "He hates me. He's made it clear every step of the way that—"

"Oh please," Lucy interrupted. "He's so in love with you it's pathetic. He took drama classes in high school, he's that good at hiding it. It's all an act. Kendall, I know you have no reason to trust me, but I swear on my favorite guitar that I'm telling you the truth. James is going to go out there tonight and purposely throw away this competition and I know you hate him, I know you think he hurt you on purpose but I swear he didn't, all of this was for you. The songs he sang, didn't you listen to any of them?"

Mind reeling, Kendall managed, "Yes, they were about an ex who hurt him—"

"No!" Lucy shook her head adamantly. "Every single one was about you! _You_ hurt him. _You_ left him. And I know you're with Logan now and that's fine, he's accepted it, but he never got over you. He's killing his own future to give you one. Please, don't—"

"I'm not with Logan!" Kendall yelled. "How many times do I have to tell you that? We're just friends!"

"I tried to tell her!" Katie joined in.

"There's nothing between us," Logan agreed. "I mean not...nothing like that. Kendall's just as pathetically in love with James." At a look of betrayal from Kendall, he shrugged. "Might as well be honest, let's be done with all these games. If you two love each other there's no reason to hide it anymore."

"She's dating him!" Kendall pointed out. "That's plenty of reason to—"

"We're not," Lucy assured him hurriedly. "He wanted you to think that so you wouldn't know he's gay, he was always terrified you'd figure out how he feels about you, but...it's true?" Lucy smiled, reaching up to cup Kendall's cheek. "You love him?"

"Half of my songs were about him, too," Kendall admitted. "I just didn't write them myself. Except...oh my god. Lucy. The one I'm performing tonight. He has to hear it. I wrote it and it's for him, please, you have to make sure he hears it!"

"Done. Fine. Just...don't win." Her hand dropping away, Lucy's eyes showed that she was sorry to ask that and knew how much Kendall would be giving up. "If you love him, you'll let him have this. Katie said it was all about revenge for you and I get that, but—" She fell silent when Logan couldn't hold back a laugh.

"I'd already planned on losing," Kendall smiled. "I decided that a week ago. I've been trying to be nice and get back into his heart but—"

"It's killing him," Lucy nodded. "Every day it's harder and harder for him to keep up the act because he says you're acting more like the Kendall he fell in love with and—"

"But why did he have to hate me for this to work? Why couldn't he be nice and still let me win?"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "He says you have this weird thing where you try harder when you're angry. Like it fuels you or something. I don't know, something about you rising to the challenge and the more of a challenge it is, the—"

"The more Kendall gets off on it," Logan smirked. "It's true. I've seen that from the start. This guys knows you so well."

Katie waved her hands to shut them all up. "Guys! It's about to start! How are we going to stop James from messing this up?"

"Shit," Kendall muttered. Without warning he was gone from the room, sprinting and ignoring the complaints from his knee in his hurry to reach the stage area. The host was riling up the audience, James standing at the side and looking down as if trying to get himself into the zone. "James!"

The cry broke through James' trance, and he looked back just in time to see Kendall rushing him. "Go away, I don't need your—"

"I'm going on first."

"What? No you're not, they already have it set up for—"

"Gustavo!" Kendall yelled, his hands reaching out to grip James' biceps. "I'm up now! Tell them!"

"Kendall, what the fuck?" James attempted to step away, Kendall holding him tighter. "Let me fucking—"

Gustavo called back, "We're down to thirty seconds, there's no way—"

"Make it happen!" He waited long enough to see that Kelly and Gustavo were moving before returning his attention to James. "I don't have time to explain right now."

"You're fucking crazy! I'm going on first, you can't just—"

Kendall shut up him with a kiss that did what he'd hoped—dazed him enough that he couldn't function well enough to fight. It was a task to end it when he did, as James had just started to kiss him back when Kendall heard the countdown begin. "Listen to this one," he begged. "It's everything I want to say to you and never could."

James was still staring back with wide eyes, incapable of speech, when Lucy approached to gently pull him back. Kendall's last vision before turning away was a stunned James flanked by Lucy on one side and Katie on the other, Logan standing behind Katie and nodding at him in silent encouragement to do what they both knew was right—even though Logan stood to lose him.

As the host had promised James would be performing after the break, he explained to the audience there had been a mix-up and joked about the beauty of live television, Kendall thanking him quietly for going along with the change. He'd of course had no choice, but the crew had and they'd all made it happen in a matter of seconds. "Thank you," he mouthed to them, then spun to face the crowd. The lights went down as they'd discussed during his sound check, leaving Kendall in complete darkness other than the spotlight shining down on him, and once the music kicked in, Kendall let it overtake him.

 _I can't take this loneliness_

 _Made mistakes and I regret them_

 _I'm sorry for the things that I did_

 _I'm sorry for the way I acted_

 _You mean the world to me_

 _I want the world to know_

 _Don't let me go_

 _Don't let me go_

 _I can't find no one else like you_

 _I can't stand this hollow home_

 _Vacancy signs down the road_

 _I'm sorry for the things that I said_

 _I'm sorry for the way I left it_

 _You mean the world to me_

 _I want the world to know_

 _Don't let me go_

 _Don't let me go_

 _I can't find no one else like you_

It was simple, but it was heartfelt, Kendall pleading into the darkness where he knew James to be as he cried out the last lines. When the lights came up James was still there, the others having backed up a short distance so that he stood out with tears staining his cheeks.

The second Kendall was far enough in to be out of sight from the audience, he backed James around a curtain and kissed him again, heart growing lighter with each passing second as James returned it just as passionately. "You hated me," James finally whispered.

"I was an idiot. I should've known you wouldn't hurt me intentionally."

"You should've," James agreed. "I would've died for you."

"I'm sorry," Kendall murmured before pressing their lips together again because now that he knew what it felt like, he couldn't stand not to. "I thought you were with her."

"Aren't you with him?"

"No. He's with...someone else. There's not a lot of time to explain everything right now so let me just say this. Go out there and win this, James."

James shook his head. "I can't, you deserve it after I—"

"You deserve it more. This is your dream."

"But you have nothing."

"I have enough. Nothing in life makes me happier than seeing you shine. I never saw it back then because I thought hockey was as important to you as it was to me."

"It was never about the hockey, Kendall. It was always about you. I would've done anything to stay near you."

Kendall's hands came up to hold James' face, their lips brushing together before Kendall said, "I was stupid to leave you behind. But this...I'd already planned to throw it away and make sure you won."

"No. You need to win, you need to—"

"I just need to watch you come alive. There is nothing better in this world, James. Not even hockey."

This time it was James who initiated the hungry kiss, Kendall wishing they were in a different time and place to explore it more. He broke away as soon as he was capable to breathe, "Win this for me. But more importantly, win it for _you._ " A snippet of James' performance returned to him and he smiled. "Take your passion and make it happen." That was the right thing to say, James' eyes lighting up. "Remember that feeling. You _can_ have it all."

"What I want most is you, though."

Kendall placed a soft kiss to James' lips. "You have me."

"Even when you go back home?"

"For as long as you want me."

"Pretty sure that's forever."

Kendall grinned, the old standby coming back readily. "And ever."

Rather than the smile he expected, it was fear that stared back at him from eyes that were green in the dim light. "You've said that before."

"I—"

"Guys, sorry, he's up."

James was dragged away by Lucy, who looked back in apology while Kendall followed.

"Did you convince him?" Katie whispered once he'd joined them at the side of the stage.

"I don't know," Kendall admitted. "I tried."

Everything happened fast then, James suddenly out on the stage while the crowd screamed for him after Lucy backed out of sight. "Well?" she asked. "Is he gonna win it?"

"I hope so."

"He can with this one, if he wants to. In case you don't figure it out, this is about you. The first song he ever wrote."

"Oh no," Kendall breathed, knowing it would be a song about how he'd abandoned James. "What—"

His voice dropped away as the music started, though. Logan laid a hand on Kendall's shoulder to let him know he wasn't alone, and after reaching up to squeeze it in gratitude they watched James launch into what would one day become his first hit single.

 _You took my hand, you showed me how_

 _You promised me you'd be around_

 _Uh huh, that's right_

Kendall's heart dropped into his stomach.

 _I took your words and I believed_

 _In everything you said to me_

 _Yeah, that's right_

Without warning the chorus hit with a power unlike anything James had unleashed before, him screaming the words into the microphone so intensely that Kendall's body was riddled with goosebumps. The lyrics hurt while at the same time Kendall was blown away by the strength James communicated with each breath.

 _If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone_

 _I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong_

 _I know better cause you said forever and ever_

 _Who knew?_

Tears dripped steadily from Kendall's eyes and he did nothing to stop them. He deserved this because every line out of James' mouth was true. James literally _had_ punched someone for saying that.

 _Remember when we were such fools_

 _And so convinced and just too cool_

 _Oh no, no no_

 _I wish I could touch you again_

 _I wish I could still call you friend_

 _I'd give anything_

 _When someone said count your blessings now before they're long gone_

 _I guess I just didn't know how, I was all wrong_

 _They knew better, still you said forever and ever_

 _Who knew?_

Kendall was thrown back to that playground and the bully who'd told James it would end like that, that Kendall would leave him one day. He'd sworn to James he never would, had actually used the words "forever and ever."

And then done exactly that.

How in the world was it possible that James could still love him? He'd lied, he'd devastated his best friend. James deserved so much better.

 _I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again_

 _I won't forget you, my friend_

 _What happened?_

The final chorus rocked the house, even the crew milling around stopping to watch while silently cheering James on. They saw what Kendall did, that this was James at his best and there was nowhere else he belonged. "I knew," he whispered to himself. "I knew you had this in you."

 _If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone_

 _I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong_

 _That last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again_

 _And time makes it harder_

 _I wish I could remember_

 _But I keep your memory_

 _You visit me in my sleep_

 _My darling, who knew?_

 _My darling, I miss you_

 _My darling, who knew?_

With a softly sung, "Who knew?" the music came to a halt, only Lucy's and Logan's grip on him keeping Kendall from running out to the stage. It seemed forever before James could get away, people in the crowd rushing forward and reaching out to touch his hand as he passed, and Kendall saw that for once James wasn't crying; he was glowing. The world was going to embrace his James, and suddenly Kendall felt the need to hold on as tightly as he could.

It was with that fear that Kendall dragged him in the moment he was within reach, James folding into him eagerly while Kendall held on tight. "I'm sorry," was all that kept running through Kendall's mind and falling from his lips. "I'm so sorry."

James silenced him with kisses to his neck, a non-verbal promise that he was forgiven, until Kendall's panic made itself known.

"I don't know what's gonna happen, we have so much to talk about, but I won't leave you again, not like that. Don't let me go. Please just...don't let me go."

"Shh," James soothed, and as his hand passed over Kendall's hair, Kendall was eight years old again and shaking in fear. "I'm here." Hawk attempted to approach but James warned him back with a look. "Promise me forever and mean it this time."

"I meant it then. I didn't know we'd be leaving, James."

"You know what I mean. I don't care where you go, promise me forever."

"And ever," Kendall choked out, trying to keep from breaking down as James' hold tightened.

"Hang on," James whispered. "There are a lot of cameras back here right now, I need you to hold on until we're alone."

"Right." Kendall forced himself to man up and stop acting like a frightened child, taking a deep breath to brace himself before straightening. Knowing James was needed by Hawk and that Gustavo would want to touch base with him before the next song, he asked, "Can we talk later?"

"Come to my apartment when you get back."

"I'll be there."

He sealed the promise with a kiss, not caring if anyone photographed them. Let them, he had no intention of hiding this.

"Are we doing the duet?"

James pulled back to smile at Kendall. "I can't think of a better song for us to sing to each other. Can you?"

* * *

A/N—Again, the song Kendall performed was "Don't Let Me Go" by Heffron Drive. James performed "Who Knew" by P!nk, but of course we'll pretend he wrote the song himself. :P


	26. Chapter 26

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

This chapter and the next are flashbacks from James' point of view. They are LONG chapters and for that I'm sorry, but I worry that since they're basically the same story just from a different POV, it might get boring, so I didn't want to stretch it into more than that. We've seen the journey Kendall's gone through, from hate-filled vengeance to the realization that what he needs most is what he threw away ten years ago. Now you'll see where James' head has been through all of this and that his devotion never wavered.

It was hard to figure out how to remind you when each of these scenes took place, so I went with this and hope it isn't too confusing! If you have any questions, please let me know. Thank you for still reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

* * *

 ** _The night before the first battle_ **

James couldn't have explained it if someone had asked, but he'd found the peace of a cabana at the deserted poolside to be more inspirational to his songwriting than sitting in his empty apartment alone. Not caring that he was breaking curfew, he sealed the curtains as tight as possible before relaxing into a chair and whipping out his favorite pen to lose himself in the song he was currently working on. The peace lasted for five minutes before it was shattered.

"Gotcha!"

James looked up with a gasp, so startled he dropped the notebook that had been balanced on his knee. Staring in at him from between the curtains was a girl he'd crossed paths with a few times in the hotel, though never spoken to.

"Oops. Let me—"

"No, I got it! It's fine!" Panicked that the girl might actually read what was written in the book, James dove for it before she could bend down far enough. He closed it and held it to his chest, the pen trapped between his fingers while his heart banged around wildly. "You must have the wrong cabana."

"Nope." With a wolfish grin, she slid between the curtains and made sure they were closed before dropping into the second chair. "I thought it was time we met. I'm Lucy."

"Okay..." Wondering what her angle was, James remained on guard as he offered, "James."

"Hi, James." Somehow her soothing voice had the opposite effect on him. "You're going to be on that show with Kendall, right?"

His heart dropped into his stomach at the mere mention of the name. "I am."

Her gaze narrowed as if seeing more than what he offered. "Have you met Kendall yet?"

The question caused so many feelings to erupt inside James that he purposely kept his face neutral. "I have. Did he really attack you in the elevator?"

Lucy blinked in surprise before asking, "Wait, that was you? You're the one he fell into?"

"Yeah. Did he?"

Instead of answering, Lucy studied James closely and put a question to him. "Why would I lie about that?"

"I don't know. I just...the Kendall I know wouldn't do something like that."

"Oh. So you know him well?"

"No. I mean..."

Her face showed the deepening curiosity. "Okay, spill. I see it in your eyes, you're drowning in feelings right now."

"What?" In an attempt to communicate the complete opposite, James forced his body to relax and laid the notebook and pen on the table. "I'm fine. He's nobody. Just someone I have to beat."

"Uh uh. Come on, tell me. How do you know him?"

"I don't, not really."

"You're so lying!" Lucy accused with glee, then remembered that Kendall and Logan had been in the vicinity earlier and lowered her voice. "Talk to me."

"I don't even know you."

"But you know Kendall, don't you?"

"Honestly...no. Especially if he goes around trying to grope girls in elevators. That's not my Kendall."

The term had Lucy smirking. "Tell me about _your_ Kendall."

"He's not. That was a dumb thing to say." Face flushing, James reached for the notebook and stood up. "It's late, I need to—"

"No wait, please don't go." Lucy reached out a hand to grip James' wrist. "I'm sorry, I'll stop pressuring you. I'm just so curious now." When James still looked as if he wanted to bolt, she sighed. "He didn't attack me."

That got James' head swiveling over, hope in his gaze. "No?"

"Nah. I just like to mess with his head. Honestly he's way too saintly for my tastes."

"I wouldn't call him saintly," James grinned, lowering himself to the chair again. "But definitely a nice guy. Always trying to do the right thing."

"Yeah, his last name is very fitting."

"Isn't it?" James laughed. "I always thought that, too. It's in his nature to protect." The laughter died, sadness replacing it.

Sensing that this was something that affected James deeply, Lucy asked softly, "How long have you known him?"

There was a struggle going on inside James, who had kept this side of himself a secret for as long as he could remember. At the same time, though, he had no one here—no friends, no family, no one except a producer who was using him for his own gain, and he was going crazy keeping it all inside. "We knew each other in grade school," James finally admitted. "He left after a few years."

"Why?"

"His mom left his dad and they moved to another city."

"So you haven't seen him since you were a kid?"

"I've seen him every year for hockey. Just one day a year and we don't talk."

"Really? Not even to say hi?"

"Nope." Avoiding her gaze, James returned the notebook to the table. "We're just competitors on the ice. And we're not even that anymore, because we graduated and...he can't skate anyway."

Lucy frowned. "He can't? Or chooses not to because he'd rather sing?"

"No, he uh...he can't. In our last game his knee..." Overwhelmed with guilt, James couldn't bring himself to speak the words out loud.

"Wait, is that why he limps?"

James nodded. "He actually was planning to pursue a hockey career after high school. And now he can't."

"Wow, now I feel bad for fucking with him. So he did this show instead? Decided to be a singer?"

James shrugged, still not meeting her eyes. "Something like that."

"I can't even imagine what that would feel like. Like if someone broke my hands and I couldn't play anymore, or if I lost my voice. Music is my whole life."

"Mine, too," James whispered. "Kendall's was hockey. And I..."

Concerned now, because it sounded as if James was about to cry, Lucy leaned across the table. "You what?"

He'd never told anyone. Kendall obviously knew, and his teammates back home knew, but James had never uttered the words. Suddenly they were like heavy blankets suffocating him and they had to come out. "I did it. It was my fault. I checked him on the ice and his knee shattered and he can't skate anymore, I stole his life. His happiness. I took everything from him and now he's trying to do the same to me. And it's what I deserve."

At a loss for words, Lucy struggled to comprehend it all, letting that go when her immediate goal became comforting James, who had broken down into quiet sobs. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold on. Don't cry. Come on dude, don't cry, I don't know how to handle crying."

James wiped his eyes on his sleeve and shook his head, then rose from the chair. "Forget it. I need to—"

"No, hold on!" Lucy stood this time, too, not questioning the urge to pull James into her arms and hug him tight. "I'm sorry, I'm really bad at emotions. It's okay, cry if you need to."

"I have to make it right, don't you see? He deserves the world and I stole it all from him and now I have to make it right, I love him so much and he hates me, I ruined his life, I—"

"Shh," Lucy soothed, only half of the words making sense. "You didn't mean to, right?"

"No, of course not, I would never! I'd do anything for Kendall, he's so perfect and I lost my chance to get him back but I have this one now, I have to make sure he has a good life now."

"Okay, calm down. It's gonna be okay, just do whatever you can to...wait." Lucy pulled back from James to look into his eyes. "How are you going to help him by beating him in a contest? That will only...oh. Oh my god. You're gonna...are you kidding me?!"

James rubbed at his eyes again before falling into the chair. "I have to. You get it, right?"

"Are you serious? You came here to lose? On _purpose_?"

"What else am I supposed to do? I ruined his life! I stole everything he loves from him!"

"So now you're letting him do the same to you?"

"No, he's not stealing anything from me. I'm giving it to him freely. I didn't even know he could sing but when I saw him audition, I knew this is what he was meant to do. I have to help him win this."

"Okay, back up. Just...start from the beginning. You knew him as a kid, yes? Were you just on the same hockey team?"

"We were friends. Best friends." There was no need to hide anything from Lucy now. He waited until she was seated again to continue. "Can I trust you?"

"With what?"

"The truth. I just told you way more shit than I've ever told anyone in my life. Please, he can't know, nobody can know the truth."

"Look, I know I have a reputation for being crazy, but that's because I do things to make people think I'm crazy. Normal is boring. I promise you, though, that you can trust me. The truth is...I don't really have any close friends here. And I'm kind of lonely. So as long as you swear to keep my secrets, and never tell anyone I just said that, I'll do the same for you." She held out a hand across the tiny table. "Deal?"

Though it was scary to trust someone with his true self, James sensed that Lucy was genuine. He took her hand and shook. "Deal. But I mean it, he can't know. Or even suspect. He has to believe I hate him and that I'm determined to win. It'll make him compete harder and perform better."

Lucy slowly nodded. "It probably would me, too. So you two were friends."

"Yeah. Best years of my life," James smiled. "We did everything together and he made sure nobody picked on me. He was always there for me."

"But then he moved away."

"He had to."

"And you two never kept in touch?"

"I didn't know where he moved to until we met up at our first championship game. I decided to do one more season of hockey even though it wasn't as much fun without him. He wanted me to take over as captain and I couldn't let him down. We made it to state, and I was so excited because I knew it was Kendall's dream. I just wished I could tell him, you know? And then he was there, facing me on the ice and I almost cried because I was so relieved and happy. I had my friend back!"

Lucy grinned at the little boy peeking through the older face. "Was he happy, too?"

"He seemed to be at first. All through the game I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I was making these plans like he could come have pizza with me and maybe we could somehow do a sleepover and if nothing else, I'd get his address or phone number and we could hang out sometimes. I just..." Sadness crept into James' voice. "I just wanted my friend back."

"So what happened?"

"After the game I waited outside for him. His team won, but I didn't even care. I just wanted to talk to him again. So he came out with some dudes from his team and I was so excited, I pretty much rushed him with a hug. He acted like he was embarrassed and didn't want to know me. I couldn't understand it, I mean...the last time we'd seen each other he hugged me tight and...as weird as it sounds, he kissed my neck."

"He kissed your what?" Lucy giggled. "How old were you?"

"I was eight! I still don't know what that was about, but it happened and at the time it felt right and so I kind of expected it again, I don't know. Instead he acted like he wanted nothing to do with me and I was nobody and..."

"It devastated you," Lucy guessed.

James shrugged. "It still didn't really sink in. I started to invite him to hang out and he blew me off. He was just like 'Yeah, see you around' but it was obvious he didn't care. I died that day, a part of me just...I mean, I thought it was bad when he moved away, but I understood that. He had no choice. This time he was choosing to leave me and act like I was nobody, and that killed me."

"What a dick."

"I know, but...the worst part was that I couldn't hate him. I wanted to. I cried when he left and kept wondering like...what did I do wrong? How could he just not care? He'd promised to be my friend forever and then just..."

Lucy slid a hand across the table to squeeze his. "You're still not over it."

"Nope. Ten years later and I still cry over Kendall Knight."

"What I don't get is why. I mean, I understand being hurt at first. But then realize you don't need him and move on. Make new friends."

"I tried," James admitted. "No one's like Kendall. I _do_ need him."

"No, you don't. There are others who will care about you and be your friend."

"None who take care of me like he did. I don't know how to explain it, Lucy. When Kendall Knight makes you his whole world..."

"I thought hockey was his whole world."

"It was. And that's why I lost him, because I couldn't be part of his world anymore. Except at the games."

"So you stuck with hockey?"

"Yeah. It was my only chance to see Kendall again. I made sure my team was good enough to go up against his every year. And his team won every single time. I didn't really care about that, as long as I got to see him. I always thought that just maybe this year would be different, you know? Maybe this year he'd want to talk to me. And he never did."

"So what happened in the final game? Did you hurt him on purpose?"

"No, I told you, I could never hurt him. I was freaking out because I knew I'd never see him again. This was it, the final game. I'd heard he signed to the Wild, which was our favorite team. I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd never see him again. So I wanted to win just once, to prove to him that I was good enough to be his friend. We were losing and I knew my chance was gone, and I was so frustrated and panicked that I just...I don't know. Honestly I barely remember it. I just remember being angry because he was so perfect and I could never measure up in his eyes, and...I took out my frustration on him and that was it. His life was over."

"Dude, you can't blame yourself for that."

"Why not? I did it. It was entirely my fault."

"I mean..." Lucy struggled for words. "Yeah, you did it, but you didn't do it knowing you would be ruining his life. You didn't know he'd be injured."

"Doesn't matter. He was."

"Okay, but you can't hate yourself for that. It was an accident and you didn't mean to do it."

"I know. I felt so horrible about it anyway. I wanted to go see him in the hospital but I chickened out. Left a card at the front desk instead. All that did was prove to him that it was me who did it, so he decided to get revenge. He showed up at my audition with Gustavo and told me he was going to ruin my life because I'd ruined his."

"Now _that's_ class," Lucy commented wryly. "Tell me again why you like this guy so much?"

"Because he's beautiful," James answered.

"He ditched you and broke your heart for no reason," she pointed out. "Then he decided to steal everything you care about because you accidentally hurt him. How is that beautiful?"

James shook his head with an indulgent smile. "Trust me. You don't know him like I do."

"Sounds like you haven't known him for ten years. He's obviously changed."

"Has he really, though?" James mused. "You said yourself he's like a knight. The Kendall I knew was always a knight."

"Oh please, it was one time. He was probably just trying to impress his boyfriend."

James' face froze, body going cold. "Boyfriend?" he echoed.

"Yeah, I just caught him holding hands with the shyboy who works the front desk. I thought it was you inside but found them instead. Looked like they were having quite an intimate conversation in that cabana next door."

Silence greeted that as James could hardly breathe.

"It kind of surprised me after the way Kendall was kissing me in the—" Finally noting James' expression, Lucy halted to watch him make sense of the information.

"You...kissed him?" James asked in a hushed voice. "What was it like?"

"Oh. Ohhhhhhh so when you said you love him, you really meant...you _love_ him. Oh shit."

After swallowing hard, James tried again. "What was it like?"

"It...I mean...it didn't mean anything, James, I was seriously just messing with his head. But...he's a good kisser. I'm sorry, if I'd known you were into him—"

"It doesn't matter. He wants nothing to do with me and I can't say I blame him for that. I just...once I was old enough to think about kissing, he was what I wanted. He's always been what I want. I just never imagined he'd...are you sure? I always assumed he'd be straight."

"Well, the truth is I was his first kiss. In the elevator the other night. He challenged me the first night we met so I decided to teach him a lesson."

"By kissing him?"

"I knew it would make him uncomfortable. And it did. Which was when you appeared."

"So _he_ pushed _you_ away? He really wasn't making a move on you?"

"Nope. And now I know why. Your boy prefers the other side."

The news was both welcome and devastating at the same time. "So you're telling me that he's gay but he hates me so much I'd never have even the slightest chance with him. And he's already found a boyfriend."

Lucy shrugged. "That's what it looked like. I'm sorry, dude. I can ask around if you want. My friend Camille's really into the shyboy so she probably would know the gossip about him. Though I'm sure she doesn't know he's with Kendall or I would've heard by now."

"It's obviously new. Kendall just moved here. Lucy, this sucks. I finally find out he's gay but I can't have him. I have to keep him hating me so that he can win."

"He can't like you and win?"

"No, because he wouldn't win. In the end he'd do the right thing and lose."

"Not if he's that mad at you."

"Exactly. So I have to keep him mad. The second he starts to care about me, his focus won't be on winning. It'll be on making sure I'm happy. That's what he always did best."

Lucy sighed while shaking her head. "I don't understand how you're okay with just throwing away your shot at making your dreams come true."

"Because Kendall deserves it more. I broke him, now I have to fix it. I can't live with myself otherwise. His happiness and future are all I need."

"Pathetic. I'd puke if there wasn't a teeny tiny piece of me that found it romantic. Tell anyone I said that and you die."

"Your secret's safe with me," James laughed. "I listened to your album, you know."

"You did?! Really? Why?"

"I was curious. Most of the songs are about being better off without a man."

"I am. Guys are assholes. That's why I like to fuck with them so much."

"Kendall's not. So watch out."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that if you're around him enough, you'll fall in love. So save yourself the heartache now."

"I told you, he's too nice. Boring."

"Yet you find him exciting enough to fuck with."

Lucy's smirk told James he wasn't too far off the mark. "He's fun to spar with, I'll give you that. The truth is if I could find a girl like him, I'd probably be as pathetic as you."

"Yeah? Girls are your thing?"

"They're not assholes."

"Some of them are."

"It's best to keep your heart guarded. Then you don't get hurt."

"Thanks for the advice ten years too late," James chuckled.

"Sorry. I really do think he's with the shyboy, but if you want I can find out the scoop. Maybe mess with Kendall a little more until he admits it."

"He's not gonna admit it. Not with his image at stake."

"Let me handle that. Do you draw?"

The question seemed to come out of nowhere. "What?"

She used her face to gesture toward the notebook. "What sort of secrets do you have hidden in there?"

"Oh. No, it's...uh..."

"Songs," Lucy guessed with a smile. "I've got notebooks filled with songs. Can I see them?"

"Nope," James answered immediately.

"Come on! Show me your secrets!"

"Nobody sees my secrets."

"But you've heard _my_ songs!"

"I'm not ready to share yet. They're all basically the same thing anyway," James admitted.

"About Kendall?" Lucy asked gently. Her answer was a nod. "I promise I won't steal them or tell anyone. Or even laugh."

"Sorry, it's not you, it's just...I don't share this with anyone."

"Maybe if you did, you'd be able to get over him. Maybe if you hadn't seen him every year, you would've gotten over him by now."

"Maybe," James conceded. "Now I get to see him pretty much every day. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can."

"Even if every word he speaks to you is venom?"

James shrugged, trying not to let that bother him. "As long as he's happy and working toward his future, that's all I care about."

"Pathetic," Lucy said again. "Just one song?"

"None of them are even finished."

"So? Maybe I can help you."

"Maybe you can just be my friend and...wait. Actually, I think you need to be more."

"Excuse me? Not that you aren't gorgeous, but I don't go for dudes."

"I know, but I really need Kendall to hate me and to not suspect I'm in love with him. Date me."

"What?" Lucy laughed hard at the notion. "I can't date you!"

"You can pretend to, though. Just for five weeks. You said you wanted to help me. This is how."

"No way! It would ruin my reputation as a badass."

"Five weeks, Lucy. Come on. I'll show you one of my songs."

"Just one?"

"To start with. Let's make a deal. Just pretend to date me, we don't have to make out or kiss in public or anything gross. All we have to do is spend enough time together to make it seem like we're dating. You know how people talk. It'll get back to Kendall in no time."

"And what do I get out of it?"

"Um...you're dating someone who's going to be semi-famous?"

"I don't care about that. Let me help you with your music."

"What do you mean?"

"I can tell your mind is made up to lose this contest."

"Absolutely."

"But that doesn't mean you can't have a career at all. Let me help you with that. We'll work on your songs and get them heard."

"How does that help you?"

"I did a nice thing. And honestly? I like you. I want to see you achieve your dreams, too. I don't care about him, he's a dick."

"He's really not, Lucy. He's the most kind, gentle, caring person I've ever met."

"Puke. So that's what I want out of this. For you to succeed."

"I'm not winning the contest."

"Fine, but don't go out there looking like an idiot, either."

"Good point. If I make it too obvious, he'll know what I'm doing. He can see right through me."

"Exactly. So you have to try. You have to look good and sound good."

"Right. He has to feel like he beat me on his own merit."

"And that way once it's over, you can still find a record deal somewhere. Maybe one day we could even tour together."

"That would be fun," James grinned. "Right now my focus is Kendall, though. I have to make him win. Will you help me?"

"With that? No. Because I don't think he deserves to win. But I'll pretend to date you. That's gonna really mess with his head."

"He won't care, he's got a boyfriend to keep him occupied now," James spat.

"You're so jealous."

"I so am," James whined. "It's not fair. I'd give anything for him to look at me the way he used to. Nobody makes me feel safe like he does."

"Did. It's in the past. Sorry, dude, but you have to let that go."

"I know." After a heavy sigh, James picked up the notebook. "I'll finish one of the songs and we can look at it together."

"Swear?"

"Promise. Meet me here tomorrow night after the show."

"I'm so excited! Go out there and kick ass, James. I know you want to lose, but remember that you can't completely suck."

"I know. Thanks. It's nice to have a friend in all this craziness."

"I never thought I'd say this, but I agree. Welcome to Hollywood, James Diamond."

"Thank you, Lucy Stone. Now if you don't mind, I'm exhausted and have a big day ahead of me tomorrow, so I'm going to go upstairs and close my eyes and dream about Kendall."

"Pathetic."

James shrugged, not taking offense. He couldn't have changed it if he tried.

* * *

 _ **Monday, after the first battle**_

They had to wait until after the show wrapped up to sneak into the cabana. It was surreal watching himself on television, but James decided that watching Kendall more than made up for it. He was relieved when Lucy finally appeared. "Well?"

"I'm sorry," Lucy said gently as she sank down across from James in the small space. "He stopped it. I kept pushing it to see how far he'd go and I thought at one point he was going to allow it. He was definitely turned on. But then he forced me to stop and shoved me away. I think he wanted it but...you know."

"Yeah. Kendall wouldn't cheat on someone." It was confirmation enough for James, and his heart lost that last tiny bit of hope it had held onto that Kendall might still be single.

"I'm sorry," she offered again.

"I know. It's not like we didn't already figure they were dating. I just...I almost wish I could see proof of it, though. I think that would force me to accept it and try to move on."

"I'd offer to ask him straight out but when I do, he just denies it."

"He has to. He can't afford for it to be known that he's gay."

"Yeah. Kendall defending Logan's honor is actually kind of touching."

"It's what he does," James smiled, a hint of sadness behind it. "I miss that. I miss being the one he rescued and defended all the time."

"Well, now you've got me."

James couldn't help but chuckle. "You're great," he agreed. "A little more abrasive than Kendall, but—"

"Are you sure about that? He can be a righteous dick when he wants to be."

"Only when provoked, though. Which you do very well."

"Thank you. It's my specialty."

"But you do take care of me. You just don't make me drool the way he does."

"Dude, I don't know how you kept from licking the screen in the lobby when we were all watching him perform. You were so wound up."

"It was hard to watch. I need to do it alone so I can properly enjoy it. Watching him sing gets me hot."

"Considering I was practically sitting on your lap, I'm highly aware of that," Lucy teased. "How was he at the show tonight? Did you talk at all?"

"I think I told him to fuck off or something like that. Asshole made fun of my make-up."

"Wasn't he wearing the same shit?"

"Not at that point. He was just trying to be a dick. I gave it back."

"I saw that picture of you two together, you know. When it flashed on the screen." When James' response was to look away, she pressed, "I felt your body jolt."

"I wasn't expecting that. Hopefully nobody else figures out it was me."

"It was adorable. You looked so happy."

"I was. It's one of my best memories. His mom took us out for pizza afterward and I stayed the night at his house. I think we watched a scary movie that night."

"I love scary movies."

"I don't," James laughed. "At least...not without him. He made them fun and comforted me when I was scared."

"That's so cute!"

"Yeah, he's pretty great." Bringing himself back to the moment, James sighed. "I hope he wins. I let Hawk dress me in that stupid outfit knowing I'd look ridiculous."

"Did Hawk pick the songs?"

"No, I did. He gave me some artists to choose from and I chose those songs. They said what I needed to say. And the Michael Jackson one was perfect because Kendall and I actually talked about that song once. Not that he'll remember."

"Did you talk to Hawk about using one of your own songs?"

"He didn't seem very open to the idea, but said if I bring him something we can talk about it."

"Then let's make sure you have a completed song to show him."

James shrugged, the idea daunting as he placed a hand on top of the notebook he'd brought out from his apartment. Noting the move, Lucy grinned and asked, "Do I get to see it tonight?" James' hand refused to move, his face hesitant enough that she added, "Oh, come on, stop being so shy about it. Show me."

Hoping he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life, James opened the book to a song he'd put the finishing touches on late the night before, his hand still blocking much of the words as Lucy spoke.

"Wow. It's long. Are you smug over this? What's with the grin?"

"I managed to impress you," James grinned. "That's hard to do."

"I just didn't expect it to be that long. Come on, move your hand, let me see!"

James finally slid his hand aside, Lucy standing up to get a better view of the page. Her eyes moved over the words while James waited impatiently.

"Say something," he pleaded after about ten seconds of silence. "Don't just stare at it and not tell me what you're thinking."

"Can I hold it?"

Without a word James slid the notebook closer to her, watching in dread as she picked it up to read. "Is this new?" she wondered once she'd finished.

"Yeah. I started it the day I moved in. Seeing him again got me writing. Is it horrible?"

"No, not at all. This line is definitely my favorite."

James leaned across to see which one she was pointing at, then spoke it aloud. "Now I pause to let my silence scream tonight?"

"While you roam like a serpent satellite," she nodded. "That's intense."

"It's true. He's everywhere, always in my face. It's enough to make me want to scream but I have to hold my silence."

"You know what they say—silence speaks louder than words."

"Hopefully not in this case. I don't want him to know how I feel."

"Will he figure it out if you sing this song live?"

"No," James laughed. "He's so oblivious to things like that. There's no way he'd know it's about him."

"Then I say sing it. Take it to Hawk and sing it at the next show."

"Really? You think it's good enough for that?"

"Lyrically, sure. What sort of music do you have behind it?"

"Nothing yet. Hawk's gonna have to work with me on that and he won't want to."

"I can work with you! This is what I was talking about, let me help you bring this song to life, James."

"Really?"

"Yes! I already have an idea for the melody. You don't mind heavy guitar, do you?"

"I don't know, I've never really thought about it."

"Let me handle this," Lucy said dismissively. "I'll come to the studio with you tomorrow and we'll talk to Hawk and get this song going."

"He's not gonna want you in there."

"Do you?"

"Of course!"

"Then that's what you tell him. Tell him you insist or you'll walk."

"Lucy, I can't just—"

"Yes, you can. Trust me. The whole world's gonna hear this song and love it."

"It's not even that great," James argued.

"It will be when we're done. Come on, this was my part of the deal. You promised."

"Okay, okay, fine. We'll talk to Hawk. But if he tries to replace me, our deal's off. I refuse to let anyone else go up against Kendall. Kendall has to win, that's all that matters."

"He's not gonna replace you. Haven't you checked Scuttlebutter? You already have a lot of fans."

"I did see that," James smiled. "It's so amazing. I was replying to some of them earlier and it makes me feel good that they actually like me."

"You're so much better than you think," Lucy stated. "You could have this, James. You could win this and have everything you've ever wanted."

"What I want most is Kendall."

"Just think about your future."

"Kendall deserves it more."

Realizing she wasn't going to get past that argument, Lucy backed off for the moment. "Fine. But promise me you'll do this song."

"It's up to Hawk."

"We'll make it happen." Lucy surprised James with a sudden kiss on the cheek. "You were great tonight, even in the horrible costume. I'm really proud of you."

That brought about a grateful smile. "Thanks. It's nice to hear that from someone. Will you be my guest tomorrow night? Kendall brought his...you know."

"Yeah, I saw."

"So will you be mine?"

"Wouldn't miss it," she promised.

* * *

 _ **Monday, after week 2's battle**_

"Are you sure you don't want to do this downstairs with everyone else?" Lucy asked, closing the door of her apartment after ushering James in.

"Why, so they can make fun of me for crying like a stupid baby?" James fell back onto the sofa and pulled off his boots. "No thanks."

"They wouldn't do that," Lucy argued.

"Kendall would."

"Well, Kendall's a dick." She grabbed the usual supplies they went through while watching something on television, joining James a few moments later with a bag of chips, some drinks, and her favorite blanket. "Besides, he won't even be there, he never watches with everyone else."

"It's been one week, Lucy. That's not exactly a habit you can count on." James reached for the chips and crunched one before adding, "Katie will be there, and that's just as bad."

"How is that bad? Katie's awesome!"

"She's also his sister and probably reports everything I do and say to him. He'd do anything to beat me."

Lucy sighed, not contradicting him in that. She reached for the remote and removed her own shoes, then her feet joined his on the coffee table while she accessed the show she'd recorded.

"What did he say tonight?" James wondered, obviously afraid to hear the answer.

"When?"

"When you two were at the side of the stage. I tried so hard not to look over, but it was killing me."

"He mostly asked questions about the songs. Wanted to know who did the first one, since he'd never heard it."

"Ha. You didn't tell him, did you?"

"No. But when I told him the title, he asked where part one was," she snickered.

James sighed. "He's so oblivious. He's always been like that, just so straightforward and what-you-see-is-what-you-get. There's no subtlety to him at all."

"And yet you love him."

"So much," James agreed, letting his head fall onto Lucy's shoulder. "Why did he have to move away? Things could've been so different."

"Why _did_ he move away, anyway?"

James talked over the television, where the host was welcoming the audience and everyone at home to the show. "I thought we talked about this. Because of his dad. I get why his mom had to leave, it was horrible. But when his dad wasn't home and I hung out there, it was the best thing ever. His mom's so great."

"I haven't met her yet. Does she treat you like crap now because of this whole mess?"

"No, surprisingly. I mean, we haven't really talked since coming here, but last week she was nice to me before my song. It shocked me."

"So Kendall gets the asshole side of him from his dad."

"I guess," James shrugged. "He's not always an asshole. I mean, would Logan be with him if he was?"

"No," Lucy admitted. "He stuck up for Logan one night when I got mean."

"Ugh, I miss that. He used to do that with me all the time. He made me feel so safe."

Hearing sadness and longing creeping into James' voice, Lucy pressed the button to start fast-forwarding through Kendall's first piece. "We don't need to sit through this again."

"No no no, what are you doing?!" James snatched the remote out of her grip, not happy until he'd rewound to the beginning of Kendall's package. "I want to watch it."

"All it's gonna do is make you sad."

"I know, but..." Trailing off, James stared at the screen with a lovesick expression that he knew Kendall would have been disgusted by. "Did you hear him laugh? I miss that laugh."

"Oh my god, chips aren't gonna do it. Let me go dig out the chocolate."

James gave no protest, barely noticing her walk out of the room in his infatuated state. He watched Kendall rehearsing in the studio, seeing him come alive as he sang about wanting to find the person he was meant to be with. Lucy was right, it did make him sad, but more than that it made him wish he could be the one Kendall was singing to. By the time she returned, the performance had started and James was mesmerized.

"Don't drool on my T.V."

"Look at him, Lucy, he's beautiful. I've never seen him like that, he's just so...open. I want to fuck him through a wall when he sings like that."

"I know, babe. I'm sorry."

"Jesus, listen to him begging someone to come love him. Why can't it be me?"

"Open."

James obeyed the command, opening his mouth for a handful of chocolate chips while his focus never wavered from Kendall.

"Oh god, this right here. This is what killed me so bad that I had to leave. Listen to his voice get all soft and sexy and FUCK DID YOU SEE HIM DO THAT 'COME HERE' THING? It's so amazing to see him finally open his heart to emotions, I just..." The sadness took over then, James forced to look away from the screen. "It just hurts to know it'll never be me."

"Aww, Jamie. Come here."

Lucy held him as the tears came pouring out, as they did often when James talked about Kendall. "It's not fair," James sniffed. "All I ever wanted was to love him and instead I made one stupid mistake and now he hates me more than anyone else in the entire world. He's always gonna hate me for this, I can't take it back."

"You're doing what you can to make it right," Lucy soothed. "You're right, you can't undo it, but...you're making sure he doesn't lose another chance. That counts for a lot."

"He'll never know it, though. He'll always just hate me."

Knowing James was right, Lucy held her silence and cuddled him closer.

He managed to calm down to watch his own performance, critiquing himself but in a manner opposite of what most contestants would do. "Shit, I overdid the end. I put too much into it. How am I supposed to lose if I do a good job?"

"James, you're the one who said you have to at least pretend like you're trying sometimes. It's okay to do well here and there."

"I guess. The second song killed it for me anyway, so I don't have to worry about it."

"Actually..."

Slightly panicked, James turned wide eyes on her. "What? Don't tell me people actually _liked_ me breaking down crying?"

"It was extremely powerful."

"No, that's not...no. It's supposed to make me look like a whiny baby!"

"But babe, it was real. It was genuine. That sells more than anything you could pretend to do."

"But it was...I mean...I figured that by performing a song I wrote, which isn't even that great, and finishing it off with this sappy ballad, I'd be sure to lose. Are you telling me I might not?"

Lucy shrugged. "Social media is divided. From what I could see, they all loved Kendall. But a lot of them loved you, too."

"Ugh. Noooooooo. Wait, what was his second performance like? Did he bomb it?"

"Let's find out."

Lucy sped quickly through James wailing his heart out on a stool, knowing he wouldn't want to see that.

"Did Kendall watch me?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah."

"The whole time?"

"Yeah."

"Did he make fun of me?"

"A little," Lucy admitted. "He actually made fun of _me_ , because of course he still thinks we're dating."

"Good, I need it to stay that way. How did he make fun of you, though?"

"He said that he expected you to be singing happier songs while dating me, then made it clear it would be impossible for anyone to be happy dating me."

"Ouch. Did you punch him?"

"No. I was too nervous about you. And he..."

"What?"

"He actually was nice, asked me if I was okay. Because he could tell I was worried."

That ripped a long sigh from James. "Of course he did, because he's so wonderful. I'm so jealous, Lucy."

"Don't be, it wasn't anything romantic. It surprised me, though."

"Not me. If you come at him swinging, you get the fiery, nothing-can-stop-me version of Kendall. Which is so sexy, but what I love most is his protective side. Being with him always felt like..."

Lucy paused the screen when Kendall reappeared. "Like what?"

"I know this sounds stupid, but like...shelter. Like nothing could touch me when I was with him, no one could hurt me. That's what I miss most of all, and what I'll never have again."

Running fingers through James' hair to mess up the bangs so they fell freely, Lucy asked, "Are you sure you want to watch this? He's probably gonna sing about finding love and it's just gonna make you sad."

James nodded slowly. "I've already accepted that I'll never have him. I need to see it to remind myself not to fall in love again."

"Dude, you're already in love."

"I know, but...you know what I mean. Just play it. Let me wallow."

Lucy did, James reaching for his soda and popping the top on it as Kendall walked onto the stage. His gaze narrowed. "He's off."

"What?"

"Something's off. Something happened between the time I left the stage and he went on, something shook him up. Are you sure you didn't punch him and you're lying to me about it?"

"No, James, we hardly talked at all for the second half of the song! We were just watching you. I did bite his head off at one point but I apologized and then we were fine."

"He didn't make some snide comment when I broke down?"

"Not that I remember. I was afraid you wouldn't be able to finish the song."

"I barely did. Nobody knows I'm singing about him when I do, right?"

"I don't see how they could. He thinks you hate him as it is."

"Good," James nodded, lifting the can to his mouth but then almost dropping it when the word "shelter" slipped from Kendall's lips. "What did he just say?"

"Hang on."

Lucy rewound, the words "Just come softly to me, in the shelter of my heart" washing over James so that his breath caught. "Oh fuck. Fuck, I can't do this."

"I know." She was about to shut the show off when James stopped her.

"No. I need to be strong about this. He might be saying everything I want to hear but he'll never say these words to me. I have to get used to it now."

They watched as Kendall sang to someone who was probably Logan (or perhaps Camille, after what he'd witnessed between them), inviting him in so he could protect him and give him everything James wanted. "I love him," James murmured after the second chorus. "I'm never gonna get over him."

"You will. One day you'll find someone new and—"

"Ten years, Lucy. Ten years in which I saw him nine times for like two hours. One of those times he completely blew me off. He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with me but I still can't stop loving him. It's not gonna change."

 _Here there is no hurt to feel_

 _Here is safe for lips unsealed_

 _In the shelter of my heart_

James melted, that lovesick look coming over him again. "I'm gonna fall asleep tonight pretending he's saying that to me. Maybe I'll have a dream that we're together and none of this is real."

Lucy shook her head. "You've got it so bad."

"Tell me something I don't know."

Suddenly Kendall started to plead, staring into the camera as he sang with feeling.

 _Reaching out, hear me now, calling out_

 _Do you read me?_

 _Reaching out, hear me now, calling out_

 _Do you read me?_

"I read you, Kendall," James whispered. "I only wish you could read me, too."

* * *

 _ **Tuesday, during Week 2 results show**_

"I need you to sit down."

James looked up as Lucy approached while he was discussing his upcoming interview on the show with Rebecca. "What?"

"I need you to come with me right now and sit down."

Rebecca glared at Lucy. "We're having an important conversation here and he's due to go on in ten minutes. Whatever it is, it can wait."

"No, it can't," Lucy growled, gripping James' hand and dragging him away.

"What's wrong?" he hissed.

"Not until we're alone."

They made it to James' dressing room quickly, Lucy reaching for what passed as a purse but was actually more like a mini backpack. "Sit down."

"Just tell me what's wrong."

She dug out a pack of tissues and tossed it on the sofa before pointing to it. "Sit."

"Oh god. He's engaged, isn't he? Not just dating Logan, but they got engaged and even though I didn't have a chance before now it's even less and—or is it Camille? I'm so confused, is he dating both of them?"

"Zip it before I slap you, you're getting hysterical. No, it's not Camille. Now where is my...oh! There it is." Lucy pulled a make-up stick from her bag. "Just in case you cry and we have to fix the make-up. So. Something just surfaced and I don't want you to see it right before you go on national television, but I also don't want you to hear it while _on_ national television. You need a few minutes to compose yourself."

"Just tell me."

Rather than open her mouth, Lucy pulled out her phone and tapped it a few times, then passed it to James.

As the video from a popular celebrity site played, his face showed the devastation more than words did; all he could utter was a soft, "Oh."

"I was right all along. I'm sorry."

"It's...I mean...but I heard him asking Camille to be his girlfriend, they were making it official! She said yes!"

"I know, and I don't have any idea how that fits into this, but...James, I see them together all the time. And caught them holding hands before. Whatever's going on with Camille, Logan seems to be the one he's with. He keeps denying it but now here's the proof."

"Shit. Shit this is going to kill his chances of winning. Dammit Kendall, why are you so stupid to let yourself get caught? Fuck, I'm gonna have to bomb the next round to make sure he wins it."

"Letting him lose one night isn't going to keep him from winning in the end. Remember, the wins are cumulative. He can lose one and still win."

"But if everyone thinks he's gay, that's going to cost him votes for the rest of the contest. Not just one night."

"But if you purposely throw the contest too soon and too often, it will look suspicious and Kendall will figure it out. He's smarter than I gave him credit for in the beginning."

"He's incredibly smart, just not about matters of the heart. What the hell is he doing with Logan, Lucy? I thought he was straight! I was sure of it!"

"And I told you I thought he might be bi. He managed to throw me off when he was turned on and had a perfect opportunity to get into my pants. No straight guy does that."

"Kendall would. He's so blind when it comes to that sort of thing, used to laugh at me when I was sentimental."

"Tell me again why you're so in love with this guy?"

"Because he's everything I've ever wanted," James sighed, staring at the picture while his eyes teared up. "And now Logan has him. Logan has what I used to, what I wanted from the day we met."

"You wanted to be his boyfriend at six years old?" Lucy questioned in disbelief.

"No, I just...wanted to have him with me. I wanted to be the one he looked after and cared for, and I was. It was the best two-and-a-half years of my life. I knew I'd never get it back, but...I don't know if I can stand watching him be that to someone else."

Lucy passed him a tissue. "You've got five minutes to get yourself under control. I'm sorry, babe. I know how much this hurts you."

"I've loved him forever. I can't even convince myself he's an asshole because I know the Kendall I fell for is still in there, I see glimpses of him from time to time. It's just never with me. And it never will be."

"But he'll be living a good life," Lucy reminded James, a hand rubbing his back. "He'll have a new career and a chance at life again, and isn't that what you want most for him?"

"Yeah," James sniffed, pressing the tissue to his eyes. "I want him to be happy more than anything else."

"Then get out there and make sure he wins. Okay?"

James nodded. "I have to stand next to him tonight. I can't look at him."

"You don't have to. Just stand there and wait for his name to be called, then you can run to me and I'll get you out of here, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Lucy. You're a good friend."

"I know. I may not be as hot as Kendall, but I'm here for you."

"It makes all the difference," James promised.

* * *

 **Saturday, during their rehearsal for the first duet**

"This one, come on."

James followed Lucy's voice and turned a corner to chase her into a small room bearing a sofa, two chairs, and a table. He closed the door behind himself and collapsed against it. "Oh my god. I'm not gonna survive this day. He's so fucking hot, Lucy, I can't handle standing so close to him for this long."

"I'm shocked he hasn't been a dick to you yet."

"Oh, that happened before you showed up. We kind of agreed on a truce just for this. He insulted Freddie Mercury so many times I almost punched him, and for that I didn't even have to pretend. He pissed me off."

"Idiot. He has no respect for real music."

"He's learning to," James countered. "I can see it, he's at a point now where he feels the music. It's so hot."

"Come sit down. Here." Lucy passed him a bottle of water and a sandwich she'd picked up for him on the way in. "Talk to me. Let it all out."

"He's sick." James gulped down half the water before continuing. "He had to go throw up earlier, I'm worried about him. The pressure of all this is taking a toll on him. He was pale when he came back."

"Is that why he puked?"

"He says it was something he ate, but he's lying. I always know when he's lying. I just want this to be over so he can be the winner and move on with his life and I can go back home and try to forget about how amazing he is."

"Which I will never understand," Lucy replied. "He's a total dick."

"Not really. I didn't tell you this, but when we were on stage last time, he asked me if I was okay."

"He did? I didn't see that."

"It was quick, and I was so shocked that I didn't have time to answer, but he probably knew I was crying. I could never hide that from him no matter how hard I tried. I hate that he knows me so well; I'm afraid he's gonna see how much I love him just by looking at me."

"You do a good job of hiding that," Lucy promised. "Eat."

James took a few bites of the sandwich. "I love singing with him. I never knew it could be so amazing, but our voices together...and when his voice gets all deep I want to fuck him so hard."

"Not while you're eating, please."

"I'm just glad I took all those acting classes. That's the only thing saving me now when I'm in the same room as him. I just...ugh, why do I have to love him? Why can't I find a nice, normal guy like Logan? Oh, right, because he already did."

Lucy watched in amusement as James took out his anger on the sandwich by chomping off a huge bite. "He's still claiming they're just friends, you know. I saw some interview thing he did a few days ago where they asked him about it, and he says he was just consoling a friend."

"Really? So you think it's possible they're not dating?"

"Babe, I'm sorry, but they're totally dating. I haven't wanted to tell you this because I know it'll hurt you, but they still sneak out to the cabana together sometimes late at night."

"Oh." James' heart sank, the sandwich no longer appetizing. He set it down on the table. "Can you hear anything they're saying or...doing?"

"No, I think Kendall knows I'm around so he makes sure they're quiet."

"Or they're not talking at all because they're too busy making out."

Lucy shrugged, knowing it was a possibility. "I'm sorry."

"It's not like I didn't already know," James sighed. "So when he wins, he's just gonna stay out here with Logan and they can be happy together."

"You know," Lucy started hesitantly, "I was thinking."

"Always a scary thing," James teased.

"Kendall and Logan actually gave me the idea."

"Oh?"

"If you really want to lose, you can just admit you're gay. The reason Kendall denied it so much was because he knew he'd probably lose because of it. Why not find a guy and hook up with him for a night and make sure it's in a public place?"

James' lips twisted. "I already thought of that."

"And?"

"I want Kendall to win based on his talent, not on me suffering because of a scandal. I have to make sure I do good enough that when he wins, people know it's because he's better. Does that make sense? I'm so talented as it is, and I have to show that. But not quite enough that I'm better than him. It's hard because he's still learning, so I have to kind of...dumb down my performances. Which pisses Hawk off royally. He doesn't understand why I do so great in rehearsals but then not as great on stage. I keep telling him it's stage fright."

Lucy shook her head. "You care way too much for a guy that's done nothing but make you unhappy."

"Only for the past ten years," James reminded her. "Before that? He was a dream. And that's why I have to do it. Because that Kendall is still in there. That Kendall asked me if I was okay because he knew I'd been crying. Not even your make-up fix could hide that from him."

"You two have the weirdest relationship."

"We really don't, though. We haven't for a long time. And we're never going to again."

"Maybe once you go back home you'll find a nice guy to fall in love with."

James offered her a sad smile. "I already did. That's why I can't stop loving him, because I know he's still in there."

"It doesn't do you any good, though. To know or to love him."

James shrugged. "Try to tell my heart that."

Lucy reached across the sofa and hugged James to her. "My poor, sentimental baby. I don't how you live with so many feelings."

"It sucks. Especially when he's sitting right next to me singing or when he makes me laugh and it feels like the old days. I miss that so much."

"I know, babe. Just try to make it through today."

"Thanks for coming down. I knew I'd need you today more than ever."

Lucy kissed his cheek, then reached for what was left of his sandwich.

* * *

 **Week 3 battle, after they performed their first duet (Under Pressure)**

James ignored Hawk's voice calling out to him from behind, his grip tightening on Lucy's hand as he dragged her down the hall. She spun around once they were in his dressing room, calling out a "Not now!" before slamming the door in Hawk's face and locking it. James was her immediate concern. "Are you okay?"

He wasn't, that much was obvious. James was pacing the room, a towel pressed to his face and ruining his carefully-applied make-up as it mixed with sweat. "What the fuck, Lucy?" he mumbled into the cloth. "What the _fuck?_ "

"I don't know, dude. You guys didn't rehearse that."

The towel was flung down onto the sofa. "No shit! What the fuck was that? He can't do this to me!"

"Calm down."

"No! How dare he? He _dare_ he? He doesn't get to treat me like shit for years and then sing to me like that and make me feel so many things! Fuck him!"

Lucy nodded, glad James was angry because it would fuel his next song. "Exactly. Don't let him hurt you anymore."

"That was...he's not playing fair! He's supposed to hate me, he's supposed to make it easy for me to pretend to hate _him_ , how the fuck do I fight that? What even _was_ that?"

"I don't know. I mean, I guess it was just him playing up the song and trying to win, but—"

"Of course." The light dawned and James groaned. "Of course he was trying to win. Gustavo probably told him to throw that in there at the end, to mess me up. To fuck with my head. He's figured out that I'm in love with him and he's just using it to fuck me over and—"

"Hey. Slow down. Nobody knows you're in love with him, least of all Kendall."

"How does he not see it when I sing?" he wondered as he sank down onto the cushions.

"Because you're not looking at him when you do. Tonight...well, that was a little different, because you _were,_ but...he knows you hate him, right? You're not weakening and showing any signs that you care, are you?"

James shrugged. "Not really. We kind of laughed a little at rehearsal, and that was so great I wanted to keep doing it but...we had kind of a moment before we went on. Just a stupid thing we used to do in hockey. I couldn't help myself, it felt like we were on the same team again and I miss that feeling so much."

"James," Lucy sighed.

"I know, okay? I know. The only way to make sure he wins is to keep him hating me, but...the song is true. This is our last dance, our time is so short and once I go back home..." James shook his head, eyes wet. "I can't help it sometimes. When he looks at me like he did tonight, like the old Kendall is still in there...Lucy, how am I supposed to fight that?"

"You remember that the old Kendall left you with years of pain and fear. Just like your song says, right? He wasn't there when you were scared, you were so alone. And he didn't care. He doesn't care now, babe. It's a contest to him. A war. And he'll use any weapon at his disposal to crush you. That means you can't let him see it, not even one hint of weakness. If nothing else, use your love for him as motivation to keep _him_ fighting. And when you start to get all sappy and lovesick watching him sing, remember that he's not singing to you, he's singing to Logan. I know that hurts," she added, watching his face crumple. "But it's what you have to keep in mind. It's the truth."

The towel was grabbed and pressed to his face again, Lucy letting him cry it out for a short time.

"So. I need you to pull yourself together and get that anger back. And we need to get you into make-up pronto."

"He did this to mess me up," James said again. "And it worked. He's trying to make me weak."

"Which is fine since you want him to win anyway, right?"

"Yes, but not by tearing my heart further apart. That's dirty tactics and it's not like him."

"It's like Gustavo," Lucy pointed out. "Come on, we're running out of time."

James nodded, letting her drag him up off the sofa. "I have to go back to avoiding him. The more time I spend with him, the harder it is to keep up the pretense of hating him. Keep him away from me, Lucy."

"Done."


	27. Chapter 27

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

And here we have the rest of James' flashback POV. Again, it's very long, but after this one we move back to the present and pick up where Chapter 25 left off. I'm so happy you guys are enjoying seeing what James has been going through! And I love that everyone just wants to give him a hug.

Thank you so much for reading!

* * *

 _ **Week 3, after James' solo performance**_

Lucy swept James past Hawk and Rebecca with a hand held up as if to say "not a word." Hawk opened his mouth anyway and Lucy glared at him threateningly so that he closed it. "Tomorrow," she promised. "He can't tonight."

What he couldn't do she didn't say, but from the way James was hiding his face and clinging to her, the obvious answer seemed to be "anything." Lucy didn't bother trying to talk to James as she ushered him into the dressing room long enough to grab his belongings, then led him right back through the backstage area and out into the night.

"Home?"

"Yeah," James managed.

They were halfway there before he'd stopped crying and shaking.

"You okay?"

"No."

"Want to talk?"

"No."

"Okay."

They sat in the back of a hired car, Lucy giving James the silence he needed while holding his hand to let her know he wasn't alone. Once they arrived at the hotel, he insisted on using a side entrance because he didn't want to be stopped in the lobby. The leather jacket was shrugged off and thrown onto a chair, his boots kicked away, and James finally started to feel normal once he was reclined on his sofa in a fetal position.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Hot cocoa?"

"Sure."

"There's some whipped cream, too. Please."

"You got it."

Lucy made a cup of coffee for herself and returned to the living room a few minutes later with both.

"Thanks for being so awesome."

"Don't mention it," Lucy smiled, setting down the mug in front of James. "Ready to talk now?"

"There's nothing to say. I put it all into the song."

"Yeah. I was looking at Scuttlebutter on the way home. You impressed a lot of people tonight."

James sighed. "Totally not what I was going for."

"I know. It was powerful, James."

"What are people saying about the duet?"

"They liked it. Everyone assumes the ending was rehearsed, of course, and they like what you guys did with the theme, how you came together the way the lyrics encourage people to do. Very symbolic."

An unamused laugh erupted. "Right, because that's what we were trying to do. Anyone pick up on the fact that I'm completely and hopelessly in love with him?"

"Not that I can see, though a few fans are starting to ship you now."

"Ship us? Like as a couple?"

"Yeah. How ironic is that?"

"It's depressing because it'll never be true no matter how bad I want it to be." James sat up and reached for the cocoa, sipping at it slowly. "I just feel...drained. I didn't mean to get so into that damn song."

"I know. You usually downplay it live and do better in rehearsal. This time it was the opposite."

"I need to watch it."

"It won't be on for another half hour or so. Why don't I go pick us up some food and we can watch while we eat?"

"I'm not even hungry."

"I don't care, you're gonna eat. The usual from the burger place?"

"Yeah. Want me to go with you?"

"Nope, you're gonna go get in the shower and clean yourself up because you'll feel better after. I promise."

"Thanks."

James watched her leave, thinking again that he was lucky to have found her here in all this madness. Kendall had his family and Logan, and apparently he'd even made friends with the wrestler. And what about Camille? James would have no one if it wasn't for Lucy.

Forty minutes later they were snuggled up together on the sofa under a blanket, James freshly scrubbed and in a tank top and sweats. He took the burger Lucy passed to him from a greasy paper bag while tuning in to the correct channel and feeling his heart jolt slightly as he watched Kendall take the stage with a smile. "How is he so hot?"

"Eh, he's okay. Want ketchup for the fries?"

"Nah, I'm good." Most of his attention was on the television, where Kendall was being asked what it was like to work with someone else on a song. James' jaw dropped slightly when Kendall replied. "Wait a second. He didn't insult me at all."

"Oh, Kendall wanted me to tell you that. I forgot."

"What? Tell me what?"

"He wanted me to make sure you knew that he wasn't saying _you_ were difficult, just that working with someone else was. He actually seemed to care what you thought."

"But later the dude made it sound exactly like that, like Kendall said I was difficult to work with."

"Which is why Kendall was concerned. He's not like...softening toward you, is he?"

"No. No, he can't. Lucy, no, I can't allow that. He has to hate me for this to work."

"Then be more of a dick to him. Stop laughing with him, don't come into contact with him unless you have to. And when you do, make sure to be an asshole."

"It's so hard when he's decent toward me. I just have to remember that it's for his own good and that it makes him perform better."

"Exactly. Should we skip the duet? I don't want to get you all upset again."

"I don't know. Part of me is dying to watch it, to see the way we came together at the end. I purposely tried not to look at him throughout the whole song, he's so beautiful when he sings that I can't focus. I kind of want to see that."

"It's your funeral," Lucy shrugged.

Together they watched what was actually a fun performance, both James and Kendall getting into the song and interacting with the audience throughout. "He looks happy," Lucy noted.

"He is," James smiled. "He loves to sing, I can see it on his face. I wish he'd done more of it around me when we were kids. But you know, that sort of thing was sissy stuff in his mind. I wonder when that changed."

Lucy leaned forward suddenly, attention caught by something on the screen. "What was that?"

"What?"

"I saw that. Rewind it."

James did, stopping when she told him to, and together they saw him biting down a laugh as he sang after turning his head. "What made you laugh there?"

"Kendall," James admitted. "It's an inside thing, I felt him looking at me when I sang that part and I knew what he was thinking. We were both trying not to crack up."

She shook her head but said nothing more until James hit his highest note. "That was flawless. If you're trying to lose, you're doing it wrong."

"I know," James chuckled. "I just...he was there and I got caught up in everything. I was having fun with it for a change. Look, there he goes, walking toward me. Maybe it's my fault, rewind that a second."

"How far?"

"Go back to my 'why.'" Lucy did, and James nodded. "I couldn't look away. I just...he was looking at me and I couldn't look away and I...fuck, I'm so pathetic begging him like that."

Lucy rubbed James' back. "You're in love, you can't help it."

James ignored that. "Can we give ourselves one more chance. The end of that song is so perfect, like I could've picked it on purpose to beg him for another chance. Seriously, how do people not see that? How does _Kendall_ not? He knows me better than anyone else."

"Because you're hiding under the guise of theatrics. It just comes off like you're a great at emoting. Which you are, but it's because the feelings are genuine."

"I guess. I wanted to hold his hand right there. It was so hard not to. The way he was staring into my eyes...this is our last dance. It is, Lucy. This is it for us. Once the competition's over, we never have any reason to see each other again."

Hearing that James was getting choked up, Lucy stood and grabbed the mug James had left on a table earlier. "I'll get more of this."

"Thanks. I'm not gonna eat anymore of this if you want to take it away."

They sped through the guest, James studying his own performance that followed and critiquing himself as he had before. "Yeah, I totally overdid this. And I sounded fantastic. Damn."

"Remember, winning one night isn't going to lock it in for you. Make sure to suck next week."

"I can't sing about him. That's when I get too into it. Maybe I should start letting Hawk pick my music."

"He's been wanting to from the beginning, right?"

"Yeah. He fought me really hard this week since I lost the past two, but this song was important for me to get out."

"I thought you really wanted to sing the other one you wrote."

James shook his head slowly, watching himself fall to his knees on the stage. "I don't know. It's too specific, there's no way Kendall wouldn't know that one's about him. He can't know that I love him. Shit, I'm a mess," he said about his performance. "I'm not even worried now, there's no way I can win after that."

"Dude, fans are loving it. Check your Scuttlebutter, they want to come console you."

That got a quiet laugh out of James. "All female, I assume. Why can't I just be normal and like girls and not be in love with a guy who'll hate me until the day he dies?"

"Because you're not normal," Lucy smiled, hugging him close for a moment. "And that's what I love about you."

"Thanks." He sipped more of the cocoa and laid his head on her shoulder. "I bet he was laughing so hard at me crying like that. Did he make fun of me this time?"

"No. He figured out you wrote the song, though."

"Yeah well. It would never occur to him it's about him. Why is he so dense when it comes to love?"

"Hockeyhead."

"True," James snickered. Kendall's package came on and they watched together, James' curiosity piqued when a few scenes were shown where Kendall was in disagreement with Gustavo. "So he does fight Gustavo. I should've guessed that, he never did follow directions well. So hot-headed about that sort of thing. Coach used to tell him what plays to use and he'd argue and then pick his own and it would piss the coach off. We always won, though. He always knew the right plays. So whatever song he did, Gustavo didn't want him to do?"

"Sounds like it. From the clips they're showing, it's not really his style, is it? Slow and brooding."

"Kendall is not a brooder," James agreed. Once Kendall took the stage and the music began, he added, "Wait, I know this song. This is Adam Lambert. Kendall listens to Adam Lambert?"

His breath caught when Kendall started to sing, not from the lyrics but from the sincerity and emotion he was putting into the song. "Holy shit. I didn't even know he could sing like that. That's beautiful. Lucy, why is he so perfect?"

 _I don't want you to go_

 _Don't want to see you back out in the cold_

 _Air you're breathing out, fades you to gray_

 _Don't run away, find me_

"Oh god," James uttered, his stomach clenching. "He's doing it again. Saying all the words I want to hear, but to someone else. You know, it's not fair that he ended up gay. That's the last thing I ever would've expected from Kendall. It's not fair that he ended up gay but not with me."

"Babe..."

"It's true. What's so fucking great about Logan? He seems like a nice guy, but...oh, wait. He's shy and needs someone to look out for him. Dammit, Kendall, I'm right fucking here!"

Kendall was singing straight into the camera for once, making it hard to ignore the lyrics but easy to imagine they were for him. When the camera cut away to pan his family in the audience, James was reminded that they weren't and never would be; Logan was mesmerized by the performance.

That was all it took for James' bottom lip to tremble, his spirit dying as tears leaked from his eyes.

 _Broken pieces, break into me_

 _So imperfectly what you should be_

 _Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open_

 _Hide here, confide here, so we can be broken open_

 _It doesn't matter, go on and shatter, I'm all you need_

James did shatter, not so much visually but on the inside. He felt more broken than he ever had before, more even than when Kendall had moved because this time there was no hope. It was never going to change. He needed to move on.

Lucy knelt on the floor in front of him but he shook his head, unable to speak.

"Need to be alone?"

He nodded, knowing that he didn't want anyone to see him like this. There was only one person who could comfort him when he was so destroyed, only one who could make him feel safe.

After kissing his cheek, Lucy whispered, "Call me if you need me. You're gonna be okay."

James spent over an hour watching Kendall's performance repeatedly, impressing it into his head that Kendall was singing to someone else and accepting what he thought he had before—that Kendall Knight would never love him.

He was drained and empty by the time he fell asleep on the sofa, feeling lifeless and so heavy he didn't want to move. Tomorrow when he went to the studio, he'd tell Hawk he was done picking his own music. As long as he did his part and underplayed his own performances, Kendall would still win and everything would be fine; there were only two nights left anyway, and the more Kendall got in touch with his own emotions, the better he seemed to be performing. Logan was to thank for that.

The knowledge sliced into James' gut to leave him in hopeless agony.

"You deserve it, though," he murmured. "You deserve to be happy and to find someone who loves you and to live your dream, even if it isn't what you always thought it was. I just want you to be happy, Kendall. Nothing else matters."

Not even the loss of his own future.

* * *

 _ **Tuesday, the day of week 3's results show**_

Hawk met James with a grave expression the following day at the studio. "We need to have a talk about the future of this contest."

"I know," James sighed. He followed his coach into an office, surprised Rebecca was nowhere to be found. "I'm sorry about last night, my head was in a bad place."

"Which is exactly why we need to talk. James, I selected you because I thought you wanted to win."

"I do."

"Yet you've lost both weeks so far. I tried to help you but you buck me at every turn, you insist on performing your own songs, which aren't necessarily bad but they're not going to win this thing."

"I know."

"Good. Then you understand why from now on, I'm choosing the songs you sing."

"Yes," James nodded. "I let my heart get in the way. I won't do that again. Except..."

"No. No exceptions. I'm in charge here."

"I know, it's just...there's one song I wrote that I really need to sing."

"You said that about the other two, as well."

James couldn't argue that.

"I understand wanting to share your music with the world, and I was willing to work with you on that under the condition that you win. You haven't, not once. We're down to two more weeks. If Kendall wins tonight, it might as well be over."

"Then why even bother? If that's all it takes is three wins and the competition's over, then why continue after that?"

"Because the final night carries the most weight. Each vote that night is worth twice as much and so it's still possible to win. He'd just have to bomb really hard. Which is exactly what I'm counting on. You left early, so you didn't see him, but—"

"I watched him," James interrupted.

"Then you saw that he was given a song that didn't go at all well with his style. If Gustavo keeps choosing that—"

"He didn't. Didn't you watch the package? Gustavo kept trying to change his mind, he didn't want Kendall to do that song."

"And no wonder, it was horrid."

James shook his head. "It wasn't. He sounded really good. It wasn't what I'd expect from him, but the uh...apparently the lyrics were a perfect fit for what he feels."

"We've been checking the reactions and they're mixed. Some liked his performance, some didn't. As for you...overall, it's positive. But James, you've got to stop breaking down into an emotional disaster every time you get on that stage."

James nodded. "I know. That's over now. I'm leaving it up to you, whatever you think is best is what I'll sing. Except that one song."

"No, there won't be any—"

"What if I win tonight and next week? That would make us even, right?"

"Yes, but—"

"And I chose last night. My choices aren't always bad. If I win tonight and next week, can I perform my last song? Please? It means everything to me."

Hawk started to shake his head, then reconsidered. "Is it another of your 'why don't you love me?' songs?"

"Uh. Sort of," James admitted, cheeks flushing. "But it's not like...I mean...okay, maybe it is. It's not so much sad, though. It's more of a rocker vibe."

"Ah. Lucy helped write it."

"No, not this one. She helped me figure out the music for it, but the lyrics are all me."

"I'm sorry, James, I can't commit to that. I won't take that chance." Hawk leaned forward across the desk and said softly, "Here's the thing. I hold your future in my hands."

James said nothing.

"If you don't win this for me, you have no future career in the music business. I'll make sure of it. Do you understand?"

As he'd already assumed that to be the case, James nodded slowly. He knew the second he stepped on a plane to Boston that he was sacrificing his dreams and his career; Kendall was worth it. "I understand."

"Good! We're on the same page then." Smiling as if they were best buddies, Hawk waved Rebecca into the room when she approached. "Rebecca has the songs you're performing next week."

James took the papers she held out without looking at them. "What's the theme?"

"Movies. 80's movies, to be exact. Everyone loves a good 80's classic."

"I'm not singing any love songs."

"Oh, yes you are."

"No. I'm done with those, please, if you don't want me to be a mess out there, you won't make me sing love songs."

"Only one of them is," Rebecca said helpfully. "The other is more fun and upbeat."

James skimmed the papers, seeing that the fun one was the theme from _Flashdance_. "I can work with this." He glanced at the other one, getting to the chorus before shaking his head. "No. Absolutely not."

"James, you promised to do what I tell you from now on. You'll kill that song, have them all crying in the aisles."

"And me up on the stage! No! I've never even heard of this song, how popular can it be?"

Hawk rolled his eyes. "It was a big deal at the time and it's from an 80's movie. That's all I care about. You'll sell it because it's exactly the type of song you sing best."

"Rebecca, please back me up here. I haven't even heard it and I already hate it."

Rebecca shrugged. "Well, I admit I was skeptical at first because it's a duet in its original form. But I agree with George that it's perfect for you. You have a gift for heartbreaking love songs."

"And I keep losing with them, isn't that what we were just talking about?"

"You're doing it," Hawk ordered. "That's final."

"But...the lyrics...I'm telling you right now I'll be in tears before I even make it to the first chorus. Please, don't make me sing this song."

"James," Rebecca said gently, "Reactions were incredible after your solo last night. Everyone loved how intensely emotional you got. It made them want to hold you and console you and more importantly, to _vote_ for you. If you don't win tonight, I'll be extremely surprised."

"It's just..." How to explain to them that it was exactly what Kendall wanted, to see him at his weakest and to know that he was hurting?

"We're done here," Hawk stated. "We have to leave for the station in ten minutes. Are you riding with us or Lucy?"

"She's meeting me there this time. Are you sure there's no other song I can sing next week?"

"No, because I want to win. Move out."

James remained sitting in the chair after they left, eyes running over the page in dread.

 _You have no right to ask me how I feel_

 _You have no right to speak to me so kind_

 _Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes_

 _But for now we'll go on living separate lives_

He could've written the lyrics himself, they were so appropriate. Even Kendall would guess who the song was about.

Then again, Kendall would also know he hadn't written the song himself. So there was that.

And if he got to sing the song he wanted to during the last show? Kendall would know anyway. He supposed when all was said and done, it wouldn't matter.

* * *

 _ **When Logan and Carlos were trying to teach Kendall to dance**_

James was on one knee and zipping up his duffel bag when his head shot up. "That's Kendall."

"What?" Lucy had come down to the gym to meet up with James because she was bored. She listened, finally hearing what he had—on top of the music that had been streaming from the next room, Kendall's voice had joined it. "Is he rehearsing? Why in the gym?"

Rather than answer, James moved to the glass door and peeked out. "He is. Oh my god, he's adorable. He sounds fantastic. He's singing into a plastic comb, Lucy, why is he so damn cute?"

"That's not the word I'd use," she said dryly as she got her own glance around James. "Oh look, shyboy is joining him. They have no idea we're still here, do they?"

"I doubt it, the gym's technically closed now. What are they...oh my god, are they trying to teach him to dance?!"

They continued to watch, James amused until Kendall and Logan began to actually dance with each other. "I can't look at this, I'm gonna throw up. I need to get out of here."

"There's only one way out," Lucy reminded him. "We have to go past them."

"Forget it. I'll just wait."

"No, we can't hang out in here all night waiting. Who knows how long they're gonna be? We have to just go for it."

"Lucy, I can't face him right now, he's too perfect. He'll see it on my face the moment our eyes meet."

"So keep your head down and just keep walking. Don't look over."

"They're gonna see us. What if he starts something?"

"He won't. But that gives me an idea. Let me go out first and _I'll_ start something, that way they'll be too focused on me to really notice you."

"Kendall will notice me."

"Then just glare at him. You're good at that."

"What if he sees through it?"

"James, I'm not staying in here all night and neither are you. Just let me go first and I'll create the distraction for you to slip by. Don't you dare look at him. Got it?"

"Fine. Just...go."

Bracing himself, James grabbed his bag and gave Lucy a head start.

* * *

 _ **Immediately after the confrontation in the gym**_

"You were supposed to ignore him! What part of 'don't you dare look at him' did you not understand?"

James pressed the button to call the elevator. "He threatened you."

"I deserved it! That was the whole point, remember? For me to start shit."

"Look, I couldn't just let him do that, especially since he thinks you're my girlfriend. He knows me, knows I would defend you. It would've looked even weirder if I'd just kept my mouth shut. Besides, this is better. He hates me more now."

Lucy shook her head in exasperation as she boarded the car, waiting until the doors closed to speak. "What would you have done if I hadn't stopped you?"

"I don't know," James sighed, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face. "To tell you the truth, it was...kind of hot. Why do I get turned on by confrontation with him? I couldn't look away, I wanted to take him down right there in the ring."

"Which is why I kept telling you to walk away. James, you're sabotaging yourself."

"I told you to keep him away from me!"

"How is this my fault? You're the one who ended up in the same place as him."

"How was I supposed to know he'd be there? He's never there!"

"Fine, just calm down. Relax." The doors opened on his floor and she asked, "Want me to come in with you for awhile?"

"No. Thanks, but...honestly I need some alone time."

"Not even gonna ask. Text me in the morning."

"I will." James turned back just as the doors were closing, reaching out a hand to stop them. "You know...Logan's really lucky. He's got everything I always wanted. I wonder if he has any idea how lucky he really is. I hope he appreciates Kendall."

"He seems to," was all Lucy was willing to offer.

"I just want him to be happy. If Logan makes him that way...I'll accept it. I'll spend the rest of my life wishing it could be me, but I'll accept it."

Lucy stepped out to pull him in for a tight hug. "You'll find somebody one day, babe. I promise."

"Yeah." It was obvious that he didn't believe it.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Eventually." James broke away to kiss Lucy on the cheek. "Get some sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Are you gonna cry all night?"

"Maybe. Or maybe tonight will be one of those nights where I lose myself in fantasies of what might have been."

"That's not healthy."

"No, but it keeps me sane." With a wink, James turned away and headed down the hall.

* * *

 _ **Week 4's battle**_

"I get that they're together, but does Logan have to be with him every second?" James whined quietly as he and Lucy approached the stage.

"If it was you, you'd be with him like that, too."

James rolled his eyes. "Doesn't mean I have to like it when Logan does it."

Hawk waved them over, Rebecca standing nearby and focused on her phone. She spoke first. "Reactions to your first performance are up and down. Many like that you were so emotional, but I see a lot of comments about the fact that you need to lighten up and stop with the sad songs."

James lifted a brow at Hawk. "Which is why I said I'm done with them."

"Relax, the second song will win them over," Hawk smiled, that shark-like quality Kendall had noticed showing through. "It's much happier and more upbeat. You did kill it with the sad song, James. You always manage to sing with such passion, straight from the heart."

James' face turned to stone. "Glad my pain and heartbreak make you happy, Hawk."

"Now James, come on, don't be such a downer. People love a sad puppy. Having said that, get yourself in a bubbly mood because we want you to show the flip side of the coin for the next song. Now where is—oh, yes. Two minutes, James."

Hawk flounced away with Rebecca in tow, James glaring after him. "I really hate that guy."

"It's almost over," Lucy reminded him. "He's right, though, this song will be good for you. It's exactly how you feel about music, right?"

"Yeah," James admitted, a wistful smile creeping onto his face. "In another lifetime..."

"Can you picture it?" she wondered. "Just for a moment, can you picture your life if you won this and got to record an album and spent your life doing what you love most? Expressing yourself through song?"

"It's not worth—"

"Just once," Lucy said softly. "Imagine it. I know why you're throwing it away, but just for tonight. Pretend that you're going out there to win."

"I can't, if I get too wrapped up in it I might overdo it and—"

"James, no offense, but you kind of bombed it on the first song. I mean, _you_ were great, but the song wasn't and it's not going to win you anything. His performance put yours to shame, so don't worry about that."

"I'm not sure if I should be insulted or reassured," James mused.

"You sounded fine," Lucy chuckled, squeezing his shoulder. "That wasn't the problem. I'm just saying that you already know you're going to lose this. Next week you'll go out there and give up everything you worked most of your life for. Before you do that, you deserve one moment to shine. Just for this, go out there and live your dream. Even if it's just for three minutes. Let yourself have that before it's gone forever."

By the time Lucy finished speaking, both of them had tears in their eyes.

"Do it for that little boy who always stared at the ice skaters and wished he could be them, dancing on the ice without a care in the world. Do it for the man inside you now, who feels whole when he's putting his feelings to music and singing them to the world."

"I hate you," James choked out, blinking furiously. "Why did I ever tell you that stuff?"

"Because it's in your heart. Just once—live your dream before it's gone."

James was called to the stage and he turned away, using a fist to wipe his eyes.

"Let it be about _you_ and not Kendall. Do something for yourself for once in your life."

When James looked back over his shoulder, Lucy sent him an encouraging smile. James nodded once, then took the stage.

* * *

 _ **After week 4's battle**_

"You're not ready for this," Lucy warned, tossing a blanket down on the sofa next to James. "I'm going for the ice cream."

"Hot cocoa is fine."

"No, it's not. You're gonna need ice cream by the time he finishes singing. Are you sure you want to do this to yourself?" Lucy asked, arms crossed over her chest as she stared down at James in concern. "It's his best performance yet."

"Even better than the one where he was basically beckoning the audience to date him?"

"Yeah, because it's..." she paused, wondering how to explain it. "The first one was good, he had fun with the audience and managed to get them moving. The second one, though..."

"What?" Looking away from the television, remote pointed at it, he glanced up to meet Lucy's eyes. "What about it?"

"Well...I guess the good news is that it'll just make you want him to win even more. So it'll inspire you in that way. But it's also gonna hurt you, because you'll know that you won't get to share it with him."

"Share what, exactly?"

"The future. The man he's going to become."

It did hurt, James feeling a weight in his heart even though he shrugged as if it wasn't a concern. "I already knew that. Our time together is over. Now I just have to help him get to that future so he can live the life he was meant to."

Lucy's lips twisted, an inner debate going on in her head before she settled herself down next to him. "James...are you sure you want to do this? I think if you wanted to, you could still pull through and win this thing, and—"

"We've already discussed this," James said in a firm voice. "He's going to win."

"But why not you? This is what you've always wanted, your whole life. I know you want to make it up to him, but you're giving up your own future in the process."

"I don't care. I ruined his life, ruined everything he loved. He needs this, Lucy, or he'll have nothing. I can't live with myself knowing I took everything from him."

"It was an accident! You didn't mean to do it!"

"That doesn't matter! It happened, and I caused it, and I'm the only one who can make it right. I have to, can't you see that? Even if he hates me for the rest of his life, he'll have something to live for. Something that he actually enjoys."

"Not as much as you do. I saw you up there tonight, singing those words. 'I can have it all.' You want it, James, don't lie to yourself."

"It doesn't matter," James repeated. "My feelings in this don't matter. It's all about Kendall and what he wants. He wants to win, he needs to feel like he's getting his revenge, whatever. I just want him to be happy."

"But who says—"

James cut her off. "Lucy, I'm done with this. I made my decision the day I stepped on that plane to Boston. I've told you this a million times. I'm not changing my mind. I love him, I'm always gonna love him, and all that matters is his happiness. Please try to understand that."

Though it was obvious from Lucy's expression that she understood, she also clearly didn't like it. "And because I'm your friend, what matters to me is _your_ happiness. What happens when you lose this? You go back home to parents who don't even care about you? To a job you don't want?"

"I'll do it knowing that Kendall's out here with a future. That's all I need."

The tremor in James' voice was enough to make Lucy back off. She stood with a sigh. "I'm going for the ice cream."

James let her go without another word, fighting down emotion. It had felt incredible to perform tonight, to just once let himself go and be at his best. He wondered if Kendall would watch, if Kendall was perhaps watching right now, and what Kendall would think of it. Would he laugh and say James was a sissy?

But no, that wasn't fair. Kendall had never been a bully and had encouraged James to be who he wanted to be; he just hadn't had any idea that what James wanted to be was the man on that stage tonight. It was a long shot, but there was a part of James that hoped Kendall could at least be proud of him for once.

"I'm not watching my first song," he informed Lucy when she returned with two spoons and a half-gallon of ice cream.

"That's fine, we can skip it. Do you want to watch Kendall's first one?"

"Yeah. Did he dance?"

Lucy shrugged. "Somewhat, I guess. Not really what I would call dancing, but he moved around the stage and got people into it. You heard the song the other night, it's catchy."

"Yeah." Halfway through the first verse, he added, "He sounds really good."

Lucy nodded, dipping her spoon into the container between them.

"Look at him with that clapping shit!" James laughed. "That's so out of his comfort zone but he's actually having fun with it! This is why I'm doing it, Lucy. This right here. He's having fun."

"Seems to be."

By the last chorus, James was tapping his foot and getting into the music as well. "It fits him well. He needs to stick with upbeat songs. Was the next one the same?"

"More of a rock vibe but yeah. Pretty much."

"Get to it. I can't wait to see this. I'm so proud of him, Lucy! The way he's coming alive on a stage, I just...I never would've expected this from him. The whole thing is entirely out of his comfort zone but he's owning it."

"You're gonna love this one. Here, eat some ice cream."

James allowed her to spoon some into his mouth, impatient now. "Come on, I want to see this!"

Lucy pressed play and Kendall walked out onto the stage, a young man full of the confidence he usually sported on the ice. "He's so hot," James sighed, glued to the screen. "Did you see him when we left? He was a little sweaty from the stage and his hair was—"

"Shh. He's hot, you want him, I get it. Now just watch."

The music began, definitely an 80's vibe with keyboard and guitar, and James sat forward in anticipation to watch the thing he loved most—Kendall going into battle.

"His voice has gotten so much stronger," James murmured. "Do you hear it?"

"I do. He's worked hard."

 _Play the game, you know can't quit until it's won_

 _Soldier on, only you can do what must be done_

"Ha. Might as well be talking about the competition," James chuckled. "He takes winning so seriously."

 _I can see a new horizon underneath a blazing sky_

 _I'll be where the eagle's flying, higher and higher_

 _Gonna be a man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels_

 _Take me where my future's lying, St. Elmo's fire_

"Oh my god. He's beautiful."

The sound of James' whisper had Lucy nodding. "He's ready, babe. Moving on to his future."

"Good. That's what I want for him."

"Even though he has to leave you behind to do it?"

"Please, he left me behind a long time ago."

 _I can make it, I know I can_

 _You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man_

James' breath caught, the hated tears coming fast now. "I don't care that he didn't write it, that line was completely for me. I broke him. But he's coming back from it and it's just...it's so beautiful to watch, Lucy."

When James laid his head on her shoulder, eyes still on the television, she lifted a hand to pet his hair. "You love him so much."

"More than anything. Look at him out there, he's feeling it. He's believing it and putting everything into it and he's so gonna win this."

"The bridge is his best part, hold on."

As the music shifted so that what sounded like horns came in, Kendall returned to center stage and belted the lyrics from his heart, going so far as to pump a fist into the air at one point.

 _Just once in his life_

 _A man has his time_

 _And my time is now_

 _And I'm coming alive_

James sat up slowly, enthralled. "Rewind that."

"No, I—"

James didn't ask again; he snatched the remote from her and replayed the bridge, then played it again and again.

"His time is now," James nodded. "And he's coming alive. I can't wait for him to win this. He's going to take the world by storm the way he did in hockey."

Though she knew James didn't want to hear it, she said, "I still think you're better and want it more. It's your place more than his."

"And I'm giving it to him. It's his place now."

When he once again rewound the recording, Lucy asked, "Don't you want to watch yourself?"

"Not tonight. This is all I want tonight."

James set the spoon he hadn't even used on the coffee table before reclining on the sofa, Lucy standing to give his legs room to stretch out. "So you're just gonna lay here all night and watch this?"

"Until I fall asleep, yeah."

"This isn't healthy, James. It's just going to upset you."

"Honestly, I don't think it is. I'm hurting but I've accepted it and now I can just look at him and see what he's going to become and be proud. And be happy that I helped make it happen, even if he'll never know that."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Guys are so weird."

"Which is why you like girls better. Can you at least put the ice cream away before you go?"

"Fine," Lucy sighed. "I'm gonna go downstairs to the lobby and see what the general consensus is. It should be about halfway through the show in this time zone."

"Thanks," James smiled as she picked up the container and walked it to the freezer.

"You should also get on Scuttlebutter and see what people are saying."

"I will," he promised. "In the morning. Tonight I just want..." Gaze straying to the screen, where Kendall was starting to clap and stomp his foot, James grinned. "This. This never gets old. Thanks for being with me tonight and keeping me away from him."

"It's my job. Speaking of which, my parents will be here Friday. Your job is to be there."

"I'll do what I can, see if Hawk will let me out early or something so I can join you guys for dinner."

"Thank you." She leaned over the sofa to kiss James on the cheek. "Don't spend the whole night crying."

"I won't. At least not sad tears. These will be tears of pride."

"Night, buddy."

"See you tomorrow."

Once alone, James rewound to the beginning of the first song, listening to Kendall's voice and letting it soothe him. "Ain't nothing gonna save you from a love that's blind," he murmured after Kendall sang the words. A line from another song he'd heard as a kid returned to him, something his dad used to play in the house all the time.

 _If love is blind, I guess I'll buy myself a cane_

At the time, James hadn't really understood the lyric. He'd always pictured an old man with black shades stumbling around with a cane and a big red heart on his t-shirt. He hadn't heard the song in years but upon thinking back now, he remembered it being about a relationship that was rocky and emotionally abusive and how the singer knew he needed to move on. The last line (or close to it) was that one: _If love is blind, I guess I'll buy myself a cane._ What followed was another sentence repeated until the song faded: _Love's so strange._ In his current situation, and after growing up with Kendall, who'd not only never loved him but made an enemy of him, the concept made perfect sense to James.

He needed to walk away from Kendall; he'd needed to do that for years. Instead, he'd done what the song suggested—rather than let go, he'd embraced it and accepted that he was stuck, that his feelings were never going to change. He'd willingly remained blind and found a friend to lean on as a blind man leans on a cane.

"Love's so strange," James whispered to the television, where Kendall was just wrapping up "On the Dark Side" to a thunder of applause. It didn't make sense to keep hanging on, but he didn't know how to let go. There was no one else like Kendall in this world, and James wanted nothing but what he had to offer.

Another verse from the old song ran through James' brain, and he closed his eyes as pain spread through his heart.

 _You know I never thought that it could take so long_

 _You know I never knew how to be strong_

 _Yeah I let you shape me but I feel as though you raped me_

 _Cause you climbed inside my world and in my songs_

He'd lied to Lucy. As James watched Kendall's second performance play out in front of him, his tears weren't happy or proud but instead full of longing and desolation.

He wanted his best friend back.

* * *

 _ **After the week 4 results show**_

Because he'd won the fourth round, James wasn't able to be alone with Lucy until they were closed into a car with a hired driver and headed back to the hotel. His smiles after the reveal had been forced, but would seem genuine to anyone except perhaps Lucy (or Kendall, had he been around to witness them). Once they were alone he finally let the corners of his lips sag and closed his eyes in an attempt to keep in the scream that wanted to break free.

"I know you're worried," Lucy began. "This ties you up but—"

"I was so stupid," James hissed. "So stupid to let you talk me into actually having fun with it. I told you, I _told_ you I'd get too carried away and be too good. Now I won again and this is completely fucking up my plan to lose! What if I win next week, Lucy? It's the last shot, what if I win next week and all of this is for nothing? What if Kendall goes back home to a life he doesn't want and ends up killing himself?"

"Don't you think that's a bit drastic?"

"Is it? What if you had nothing to look forward to? What if you were still at home pretending to be Lucille and forced to play the violin for the rest of your life? You wouldn't even want to live."

"I'm also not the type to off myself, and I don't think Kendall is, either. You said he's a fighter, he's going to fight back hard next week. I mean, he did this week. He was actually fantastic this week, you were just..." Lucy shrugged. "Better."

"And I shouldn't have been. I should've downplayed it, I just..."

"Can I ask you something?"

"No."

"How did it feel? How did it make you feel to just let it all go and live your dream for a night?"

"I told you last night, none of that matters. He has to win, Lucy, don't you understand that?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's all I've heard for a month now. I'm really gonna miss you, you know."

James sighed and laid his head on her shoulder. "I'm gonna miss you, too. Once you get that tour going, make sure to stop in Minnesota, okay?"

"Are you kidding? I want to take you along as my personal assistant."

"Nobody has a personal assistant on their first tour," James laughed. "And you know you can't actually tour until you tell your parents everything. An album is one thing, but an entire tour...there's no way you can hide that from them."

"I still don't know how I've managed to hide the album. I know you're right, and I know their visit would be the perfect opportunity to come clean, but I'm afraid they'd scoop me up and take me back with them. No more Palm Woods, no more rock, no more...life. God, no wonder Kendall looked so devastated when he left the stage; he's facing the same fate I would be if I was forced to move back home."

"He wants this so bad. That asshole is trying to fuck with my head now, which is actually a good sign even though it breaks my heart."

"Fuck with your head?" Lucy echoed. "You mean more than normal?"

"Tonight he..." James bit his lip and looked away, chest fluttering at the memory of how deeply Kendall's touch had affected him. "He tried to hold my hand."

Lucy's mouth dropped open. "What? When?"

"Right before the reveal. He was messing with me, trying to throw my focus off. I'm sure he remembers that I did the same thing the first week, or almost did, and I'm afraid that was enough to show him the truth. I think he knows I still have feelings."

"No," Lucy disagreed firmly. "There's no way he can know that, you've made it clear at every opportunity that you hate him."

"He knows me, Lucy. Better than my own mother. He can see right through me."

"Maybe ten years ago, but you've changed."

"I haven't."

"He doesn't know that. Trust me, there's no way, James. You've been extremely convincing in your hatred of him."

"Then why would he do that? It was almost like..." Though he wanted so badly to believe that Kendall was reaching out for him in need, James knew better when the pieces fell into place. "Oh."

"What?"

"He was making fun of me. It just hit me. Laughing at me and the fact that I reached out for him the first week. Rubbing it in my face, most likely. I miss him, Lucy. I miss the Kendall who used to hold my hand when I was scared."

"Hold it in," she urged quietly, hearing the way he was getting choked up. "We're almost to the hotel and we have to make it through the lobby. You can cry over him upstairs."

"This is torture, having to see him every week. As much as I love it, it's also the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll be better once I move back home."

"Even though you're surrounded by the memories there?"

"Maybe I'll move out and get my own place, once I start making money. In a different city that isn't where he taught me how to live. Oh, who am I kidding, I'll live there until the day I die because I don't want to let go."

"Shit," Lucy muttered, glad the car was stopping because James was about to break down. "Thank you!" she said to the driver before shoving him out. "Back stairs, go. Now."

James held on to her as they climbed, grateful for the lifeline she provided. She wasn't nearly the rock that Kendall had at one time been for him, but she cared. She would do.

* * *

 _ **The following day**_

"James!"

The name was called out with welcome and pride, James immediately bristling at Hawk's tone but forcing himself to sink into the chair and smile across Hawk's desk.

"I knew you'd come around, and look at you now! Two wins under your belt. I've seen the numbers, and he's still ahead of you overall, but since the last week counts for twice as much, you've got this in the bag."

"Great. Do I still get to perform my own song for the last episode?"

"As long as I approve of it and we can work it into a full production by next week, of course! You mentioned it's a love song?"

"Not...I mean, it's more like..." James hesitated, wondering how to describe it. "More like an 'I should've known better than to trust you' type of thing. Rock vibe."

"We can work with that. The duet will be easy for you, it's upbeat and poppy and I think just your style."

James lifted an eyebrow. "I thought you said sad puppy was my style."

"It was until I saw what you can do with upbeat. We should've been pursuing that from the start. No matter, we know what works now and we're going to crush Kendall next week. Ah, Rebecca." The wolfish grin was turned to his assistant as she entered the small office. "Let him look over the duet so we can start on it today. We'll look at your solo song tomorrow and spend most of the week on that. Except of course for Saturday."

"Right," James sighed, dreading the upcoming joint rehearsal; it was always difficult to keep his feelings in check when he was around Kendall. He took the paper and skimmed the lyrics, heart turning to ice when he read the first line.

 _Kendall: I promised I would be there_

"Oh my god. No."

Hawk frowned at James' immediate denial and the subsequent shaking of his head. "Is this a song you know?"

"No, Hawk, please. Not this, I can't do this song with him." The more James' eyes took in of the lyrics, the more panicked he became.

 _For taking you for granted_

 _You're the air I breathe_

 _I gave you everything but_

 _It was everything but me_

They were the words James would die to hear from Kendall. He wouldn't survive standing on a stage and watching him sing them, knowing they weren't for him. "Please," he begged, his composure dropping away. "I can't do this. Not this one."

"I'm sorry, James, the decision's been made. Gustavo and I agreed this song would work well for both of you vocally, and it's...well, we like it. We agreed on it."

James' breathing was becoming shallow as he read more.

 _Kendall: I promise you I'm gonna be there_

 _I want to be there_

 _No matter what happens_

 _No matter how tragic_

 _James: I just want to race with arms wide open_

 _Take a shot in the dark to be where you are_

 _I don't want to watch the world keep changing_

 _When I'm not with you my heart keeps shaking_

 _Cover up my eyes and just start pacing_

 _Take a shot in the dark to be where you are_

Kendall would see through him in two seconds flat if he sang that. How was James supposed to stand next to him and sing those words and not stare at Kendall and plead with him? "Please," he tried one more time. "I'm telling you right now, if you want me to win, I can't—"

Hawk stood up and abruptly cut him off. "You're going to win, and with this song. There's no more argument. Rebecca, have him in the studio and ready to sing this in twenty minutes."

James watched the man move around his desk and toward the door, desperately searching for something to say that would make Hawk understand. "Rebecca," he pleaded softly.

Once they were alone, her face softened. "I'm sorry. I don't know why this one has you so upset, but his mind's made up. And if you lose..."

James nodded, eyes swimming with tears. She didn't need to finish—if he lost, his career would be over. James had already decided to throw it away himself, but they didn't know that. "I just...I can't tell you why, but I promise you that if I have to sing this one with Kendall, I'm going to be a mess. Please, see what you can do. Any song but this."

"He's not going to budge," Rebecca said apologetically. "He was telling me this morning how much he loves it and how it's perfect for you. I'm sorry, James, you just have to grin and bear it. Don't set him off, you know that'll only end badly for you."

This whole thing was going to end badly for him. "I need Lucy. Give me two minutes to call her and get her down here."

"That I can do for you. Meet me in the studio in five."

"Thank you."

####

Lucy wasn't able to make it out until almost lunch time, having meetings of her own. When they escaped for lunch and she asked him what was wrong, he handed her the folded paper containing lyrics and sat silently across from her in the studio's small kitchenette.

"Oh my god. You're never going to make it through this."

"That's what I told them!" James exclaimed. "He's saying everything I need to hear and none of it's for me! And how am I supposed to sing about my heart shaking when he's not around or...any of it. Lucy, what the fuck am I gonna do? They won't change it, I already tried. He's gonna know the second I open my mouth Saturday."

Lucy nodded slowly, continuing to take in the lyrics. "Wow. You might as well have written the chorus yourself."

"I know," James replied miserably. "If he already suspects I'm in love with him, this is only going to prove it. I can't hide my feelings from him."

"You've been doing that since you moved here and doing it well. I know you think he suspects something but even Katie asked me the other day why you hate her brother so much."

"Katie?" Surprise brought him momentarily out of his brooding. "You talked to Katie?"

"I talk to Katie all the time. She's gonna help us Friday with my parents. When I told her the plan, she asked why you hate him. I explained to her that Kendall hasn't been the nicest person and that you want to win, so he's of course the enemy."

"What did she say to that? Did she buy it?"

"I think so. Katie's too smart for her own good, so she could've just been humoring me. I think she bought it, though. The point is, Kendall has no clue. You've said it yourself, he's completely blind to that sort of thing."

"Too wrapped up in Logan anyway," James sneered. "What if he can tell during rehearsal, though? In close quarters without Logan around...I mean, we actually joked together and called a truce for the last duet. What if he wants to do that again?"

"Don't. Didn't you say he performs best when he's pissed?"

"Yeah."

"Then piss him off. Under no circumstances are you to be friendly to him or smile or laugh. Try not to even look at him. Make sure he knows he means less than dirt to you."

"What if he tries to mess with me?"

"Be ready and harden your heart. It's the only way you're going to make it through the rehearsal."

"Okay but what about the actual performance? You know how I get on a stage with him, I can't control my feelings and—"

"When are you guys doing this song?" Lucy interrupted.

"Next week. The last episode."

"No, I know that. I mean, is it before or after your solos?"

"Oh. After. We're closing the show with it."

"Then what are you worried about? By that time you'll have sung your last song, which you already plan to screw up, and then when this one comes around, so what if you break down? It'll just kill your chances of winning even more."

James blinked a few times as he considered all of that. "He'll still see, though. I can't hide my feelings from him when he's right there next to me."

"So what? You've already insured his win, there's no need at that point to continue the charade of hating him. You're only doing it now to make him perform better. Get him hating you even more during the rehearsal, he'll go into the performance and blow everyone away, then you can break down if you need to on the duet and it won't hurt his chances. It'll actually help them. Your job is almost done, James. You're so close. Get him through one more song and then you can just...be you. The real you."

It made sense and worked to calm James down a lot. "My only fear is that my solo will derail him. I wanted to go second for that but Hawk said I'm up first, and there's no way he won't know that's about him. It's too specific to our childhood. I'm worried he'll hear it, which is of course what I want, but that enough of the old Kendall is in there that he'll feel guilty and it'll take away that rage he needs to win. Maybe I shouldn't do it, maybe I should just let Hawk pick another song."

"No. Absolutely not. This song has been waiting too many years to be heard. How old were you when you wrote it?"

"I don't even know, I added to it over the years. But I probably first started it when I was like twelve. Every year I saw him at the championship game and every year I prayed it would be different, that maybe this time he'd hug me and be happy to see me. Or even just smile at me, that would've been enough. So each year I'd add a little more. Lucy, I want him back. I want him so bad, even if it's just as a friend, I want—"

"Maybe you can have that one day," Lucy cut in gently, fearing he was going to get too emotionally distraught and wanting to nip that now. "When this is over and he's won, maybe you two can at least make peace."

"I miss him."

"I know, babe. Just get through this, okay? One more week. After that, if you want to try again—"

"He hates me."

"You're the enemy right now. You're standing between him and his goal. Once he gets that, and you're no longer his opponent, maybe you can try again."

"I think I've done too much damage."

Lucy shrugged. "That's the price you pay for helping him win."

"Yeah," James swallowed, blinking tears away before standing up to shake off the sadness. "Okay. I feel better, I can do this. Thanks, Lucy. I'd be so lost without you."

"Make it up to me Friday by pretending to be my fine, upstanding love interest that I'm not quite dating yet but on the verge of crossing that line with."

"Deal," he chuckled, hugging her tight. "Can you stay awhile?"

"For a little bit. Have you rehearsed the solo yet?"

"No, we're focusing on the duet today. So far I suck at it."

"Keep in mind what we talked about. It's okay to perform it with feeling because by then, he'll have the contest won."

"Right."

* * *

 _ **After the meeting of Lucy's parents at the Palm Woods**_

A joint trip to the restaurant's bathrooms was the first opportunity they had to discuss Kendall's earlier actions.

"Are you okay?" was Lucy's first question as she pulled him into the short hall leading to the restrooms.

"Yeah. Confused, I'm not really sure why he was nice to you. Unless it was just to fuck with your head."

"I think that was part of it," Lucy agreed. "He was enjoying it immensely. But I didn't expect him to be so touchy with you."

"That was totally to fuck with _my_ head. He knows. He has to."

"I'm telling you, he doesn't. I think he was just trying to rile you up. You two have practically come to blows before and he loves to antagonize you. Oh my god, stop thinking about blow jobs, it was a poor choice of words."

James' cheeks reddened but he grinned. "You started it. He had his hand in my hair, Lucy. He hasn't done that since we were little, I forgot how much I missed it."

"Did he do it often? That's kind of weird for a kid."

"No, just...sometimes when we hugged and he knew I was really scared, he'd kind of pet my hair. When we'd watch scary movies and I was too scared to look at the screen, I hid my face in his chest and he did it then. I don't know why he did it today."

"You said it, to fuck with you. First the hand-holding, now this. Watch him try to hug you next."

"He had his arm around me, too," James sighed, a dreamy look in his eyes. "It felt amazing, so secure."

"So much that you did the same thing to him. Not a good idea, Romeo."

"Oh come on, what was I supposed to do? I had to go along with it for your parents."

"Sure," Lucy teased. "It had nothing to do with wanting to touch him."

"God, I wish I could touch him right now. He felt so good. Great, now I'm thinking about blow jobs again."

Lucy shoved James toward the door to the mens' room. "Go cool off."

"Fine," he laughed. "But you know? Just for one brief moment, I got to experience it. It wasn't real, and it won't happen again, but for that one moment it was bliss. I'm glad I got that."

Lucy offered him a sympathetic smile. "Me, too."

* * *

 _ **After walking by Logan and Kendall saying goodbye in the hall**_

The second his front door was closed, James slid his phone out and leaned back against the heavy wood to type. _"Are you still at the airport?"_

" _About to leave now. What's up?"_

" _I saw them kiss."_

In five seconds, James' phone was vibrating in his hand. He pressed it to his ear like a lifeline.

Lucy's worried voice came through. "Are you okay?"

"No. I mean, I knew it, but to see it...I didn't need to see that."

"I'm sorry. I'm on my way, okay?"

"No, don't...honestly there's nothing you can do. I just needed a friend."

"You got it. Want to keep talking while I ride back?"

"Maybe." James sighed. "Yeah. Actually...no. I think I just need to go cry."

"James—"

"I have to say goodbye to him in two days, Lucy. He'll never know how I feel."

"Are you sure you don't want to tell him? When it's all over and you can drop this whole enemies to the death thing?"

"Tell him what, that I'm in love with him even though he's obviously in love with Logan? No thank you, I'm not a masochist."

"That's debatable," Lucy replied, referring to everything James had put himself through upon his arrival in Hollywood. "But it might help you to get it all out, even knowing he isn't into you."

"The thing is...like the worst part of this is that I felt like he was starting to forgive me. In the booth yesterday, I think he was trying to be nice."

"Which is why you blew up and had to put a stop to that immediately."

"Exactly. He won't win if he's thinking about my feelings. And let's face it, I was never going to survive sitting next to him for hours and singing a song like that. Not after he touched me Friday. I can still feel his hand in my hair."

"Babe...what are you trying to say?"

"I don't know. I think he really is weakening and I can't allow that. I'm so close."

"One more night, James. Just one more night where you have to keep up the act. Though I still think you should try for your own sake. You have such an opportunity here, James, please don't throw it away! You could—"

"Stop it," James interrupted firmly. "My mind is made up. Kendall is winning this."

"Fine," Lucy sighed. "Then...go to bed now. Stop thinking about him. Tomorrow's your last dance."

"Don't remind me. Plus I still have to get through the finale."

"But that'll be fine, because you'll see him win and it'll all be worth it, right?"

"Yeah," James smiled.

"That's what you focus on, then. Are you sure you don't want me to come over?"

Though James considered it, he shook his head. "I'm gonna take your advice and just go to bed. And try really hard to block out the image of them kissing. Fuck, that hurt. Lucy..."

Hearing the way James' voice was cracking, she stated, "I'm on my way."

"No. No, I really just need...I'm okay."

"Swear?"

"Promise. I'll text you in the morning."

"Good, because I'm gonna need a friend. I told my parents the truth."

James' eyes widened. "Oh my god, I was hoping you would. And?"

"It went better than expected, but not fantastic. We'll talk about it over breakfast."

"Deal. I'm sorry that I'm not being a good friend to you right now, I know you need to talk about it and I just—"

"Enough. You go deal with your heartbreak. We'll talk in the morning."

"Thank you."

"Night, James. Call me if you need me."

"Always. Be careful getting home."

"Always," she chuckled. "Love ya."

"You, too."

The shower provided a place for James to cry out his pain so that when he tumbled into bed, it was with red and puffy eyes. He couldn't stop seeing it, couldn't stop the vision from crashing into his head. Closing his eyes did nothing to keep it from returning.

"Just treat him right," James whispered in the dark. "Take care of him, Logan. He's so much more vulnerable than he pretends to be."

Lying on his side, James extended his arm until his hand pressed against the wall. Was Kendall on the other side of this wall? Was Logan with him now? Was he every night? Would Mrs. Knight be okay with Kendall's boyfriend staying the night? James wasn't too sure, but she obviously adored Logan. Mrs. Knight was incredible, everything he'd ever wanted in a mother. He was positive that as a mother-in-law, she'd be just as wonderful. Logan was the luckiest guy in the world to have not only her, but Kendall and Katie as well.

"You have everything I've ever wanted," James sniffed. "I hate you for it. Just...please. Treat him right."

Those three words followed James down into sleep when he eventually got there, tears drying on his cheeks and a hand stretched out toward the wall. It was the closest he'd ever get to Kendall.

* * *

 **A/N—** The song James remembers from his childhood is "Locomotive" by Guns N' Roses.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I'm glad you guys enjoyed getting to hear James' side of the story. We are now back to the present, right where we left off in chapter 25. James has just performed his solo song at the final battle and we pick right back up with Kendall's POV, which is how it will be for the remainder of the story. Which looks like probably about 3 or 4 more chapters. I can't believe it's almost over!

Thanks again to everyone reading this, and to those reviewing. You guys keep me motivated. :D

* * *

 _ **Present day**_

Though what Kendall would've preferred was to get James alone in one of their dressing rooms so they could really talk, it took forever to make that happen because James was stopped so many times along the way. Hawk, Rebecca, Lucy, Katie, the show's staff members, and even Gustavo and Kelly congratulated him on his incredible performance. By the time Kendall was able to drag James into the nearest dressing room (which happened to be James'), they were down to only five minutes before their scheduled duet. Kendall had the presence of mind to shoot off a quick text to Kelly that James had agreed to the duet, then his mouth was possessed by another so hungry that Kendall's body responded in kind. He managed to pocket the phone before devouring James' lips and welcoming the tongue that demanded entrance as he was pressed back against the closed door.

"Sorry," James finally breathed between ragged pants. "Been wanting to do that for five years."

"Five years? You were thirteen when you realized...?"

"That I was gay? Yeah. Because I'd see you and have all these fantasies and...how could you not see it? It was you, it's always been you, every single year I made sure my team made it to the championships just so I could see you again, and every year I prayed it would be different. That you'd be happy to see me. Instead you just..."

"I know," Kendall murmured, ashamed. "I was so dumb. I made you into the enemy, because it's hockey and that's how I had to think of you in order to win. Why didn't you ever tell me you wanted to be a singer?"

"The one time you caught me singing, you laughed at me. I was afraid you wouldn't want to be my friend if you knew."

"I was a dumb kid, James. I'm sorry, I'd give anything to take that back. I'm sorry that you felt like you had to hide yourself from me. But why did you stick with hockey then? If it wasn't what you wanted, why did you even play?"

"I told you," James sighed. "It was what you loved, and what you wanted. All I wanted was to be close to you; I would've done anything you loved as long as I could stay with you. Once you left, hockey was the only way I had to see you again. I stuck with it for that reason, so that I could at least see you once a year and maybe...well. That never worked out." When Kendall had no reply, James looked away and added, "I know it sounds kind of...creepy."

"No." Kendall shook his head, determined that James know he didn't consider him weird in any way. "I would've done the same. If it's creepy, so what. It took me ten years and this competition to understand just how much I lost that day. You are everything I want in a boyfriend, you possess every single quality and by the time I realized that, it was too late. You hated me and there was no way I could ever—"

"I never hated you. I'm sorry I put on the act. I knew it had to be this way, though, or you would've let me win. I couldn't show you my true self because you'd have to do the right thing, you _always_ do the right thing. It's one of the reasons I'm so in love with you. When you showed up at that audition in Minnesota, I was so shocked. I'd been praying that somehow, some miracle would happen and you'd be there to support me because I was so scared and so nervous and then you were there and...for a second I was so happy."

 _You came._ James' words floated into Kendall's memory, the relief and affection that had appeared in his eyes before Kendall obliterated it into shattered pieces. "And I ruined it. I ruined that audition for you, and I did it on purpose. James, I'm so sorry."

"You were hurting. Your life had been destroyed. I was the target. It fucking killed me, as it has every single day since your injury, the knowledge that I took your greatest love from you. Your one joy in life." James' lips trembled, his gaze blurring through sudden tears. "I'd give up anything to make that up to you. Even _my_ joy."

"So you went to Boston to make sure you were my competition. Just so you could lose."

"Once I saw you sing...I had no idea, Kendall. I never knew you had such a gift."

"I never cared until I got out here. I never knew I could find something that made me as happy as hockey."

"Does it, though?" James asked, hope dawning. "If it does, I'll happily go out there and bomb the duet. If this is what you need in your life, let me give it to you. Please."

Kendall shook his head. "I learned a lot of things after moving here, and thanks to Logan for pointing them out to me." After a flash of pain in James' eyes, Kendall was anxious to reassure him. "One of the things I learned is that it wasn't so much hockey that completed me. It was going up against you. The goal isn't really what was important; I wanted to win, but mostly I wanted to compete with you. Nothing excited me more than those championship games, nothing filled me with adrenaline like the moment I saw you every year. I was mistaken to think it was about hockey, James, because it was always about you. I didn't really care to win this contest until you became my competition. Then the fire came back. That fire is what you give me. Nothing in life turns me on the way you do."

Perhaps remembering a moment he'd stumbled upon Kendall in a liplock with Camille, James licked his lips and asked, "Not even Camille? Or Logan? Or—"

"Camille and Logan were...practice, I guess you'd say. I was trying to figure out what I wanted. Lucy was actually my first kiss, which is really weird now."

"She told me about that," James smirked. "I asked her to leave you alone because she said it made you uncomfortable."

"It did. Every time. Sure, I was curious, but...the point here is that nothing makes me feel like you. I had to go through others to know that. You're so upset about taking away my joy and my greatest love." Kendall used both hands to tilt James' mouth toward him, letting one thumb caress the lips he'd dreamed about. "What you don't understand, and what it took me way too long to figure out, is that _you_ are my joy. _You_ are my greatest love."

Loud pounding on the door at Kendall's back interrupted what would have possibly been the most beautiful kiss in history. "Guys! Are you in there?! It's time!"

Lucy's yelling brought about a wry smile from Kendall. "We'll continue this later. Right where we left off. The show must go on."

James dipped in for a quick kiss before taking Kendall's hand in his and pulling him aside to open the door. "Funny you say that. That's a Queen song, you know."

"Seriously?"

They were met by the relieved faces of Logan, Katie, and Lucy. "Hawk and Gustavo are freaking out!" Katie scolded them. "You're on in less than a minute."

"Well, then," James grinned. "Let's go sing a song to each other."

"What if that ruins your chances?" Kendall worried as they rushed down the hall after their friends. "Gustavo and Kelly said being gay might make me lose."

"I'm not worried about it," James answered. "I'm not hiding you, so...the world can think what it wants. Considering we're both gay, I'd say it evens our playing field. Hurts us both just the same."

"There are some fans who want us together, you know."

"Oh, I know," James laughed. "They're my favorites."

* * *

The duet went off without a hitch, Kendall and James alternately singing to the crowd and to each other. Kendall expected Gustavo to be angry, but the few times he glanced toward the right wing it was to see Gustavo standing next to Hawk, both of them looking not furious and instead contemplative, as if the song was making them think. For Gustavo's sake, Kendall hoped it was.

Whether or not the audience found it odd they appeared to be singing lines like "I just want to race with arms wide open, take a shot in the dark to be where you are" and "when I'm not with you, my heart keeps shaking" to each other, the reaction once the song ended was ecstatic as the crowd surged to its feet to cheer loud enough to raise the roof as Kendall and James held hands and stared lovingly into each others' eyes. They had no way of knowing it then, but that would be their moment most seen around the world due to a photograph being snapped right then and later uploaded to the Internet; by morning speculation would be rampant about their sexuality and their true feelings for one another, and both of them would for the time being refuse to publicly state anything. They weren't ashamed, they just needed a little time to figure it out themselves before explaining it to the rest of the world.

As they took their bows and exited the stage, hands tightly clasped, all that was certain was that they would share a future.

They were finally walking the same path, and doing it together.

* * *

Even after everything that had transpired during the final contest, the strangest part of Kendall's evening was the presence of Lucy and James in Logan's car during the drive back to the Palm Woods. He insisted on sitting in the back with James, leaving Lucy to take the passenger seat, and Kendall could see that she still made Logan nervous.

"So..." he began, wondering how to bridge that gap. "Lucy. Are you done being mean to Logan?"

"When am I ever mean to Logan?"

From his favorite place (which would always be in Kendall's arms), James snickered. "When aren't you? I know some of it was on my behalf, but I think it's safe to say we can all be friends now." When neither Logan nor Kendall gave any sign of agreement, James asked, "Right?"

It was Logan who finally said, "Well, you have to remember that Kendall will be leaving soon. Probably the day after tomorrow. So there really isn't time for friendship."

Kendall swallowed hard, fighting back sudden tears at the prospect that he finally had everything he wanted but would be forced to give it up before he could even enjoy it. "We'll figure something out," he promised James. "Even if it's just phone calls and...isn't there some way to video chat on my new phone, Logan?"

"Yeah. I'll show you how."

"I don't know how long my mom's gonna be able to afford the new service, so I may not have this phone much longer, but...we'll make it work." Panic started to crowd in when Kendall realized that James would be out here meeting more new people and forming friendships while he himself was thousands of miles away doing...he had no idea what he was going to do.

"It's not fair," James suddenly complained. "I finally get you back and we can't even be together. What's the point of even winning this contest?"

"The point," Lucy answered, "is that you're getting to do what you've always wanted to do."

"What good is that without Kendall?"

"Hey," Kendall murmured. "You'll still have me, as long as you want me. Just not...next to you."

"But I've never had you next to me. Not since we were kids. It's what I wanted even more than this, just to be with you. And now I can't, so what's the point of winning?"

Logan pointed out, "You wouldn't be with him even if you lose. One of you would go back home no matter what."

"He's right," Kendall agreed. "So just...you know. Be proud of yourself. You should be, you were fantastic."

"He wasn't even as good as he could be," Lucy piped up. "I saw you in rehearsal, James, and your live performances were nothing compared to that. Except for your song tonight. _That_ was the real James Diamond."

"It felt good," James admitted. "To perform at full strength and not hold back. Like when I did the _Flashdance_ song."

"I watched that performance so many times," Kendall smiled. "That's the night I decided to let you win. I knew you deserved it."

"But you deserve happiness, too, Kendall," James sighed. "I'm taking this from you, you—"

"No, you're not taking anything from me. This was never mine to begin with. Yeah, you took hockey from me, but I don't hate you for it anymore. I know you'd give anything to take that back."

"I would," James stated fervently, lifting his head from Kendall's shoulder to stare into his eyes. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't even plan to check you, I was just so frustrated and so panicked because I knew it was my last chance to be near you and you still wouldn't even look at me, wouldn't talk to me, you just—"

"I know." Kendall hugged James to him, feeling James shake in the grip. "I'm sorry. I was an idiot."

"I just thought that if I could win, just _once_ , you'd see me as worthy. As an equal or someone you could take seriously instead of some scared little kid who always followed you like a puppy."

"I told you, I never saw you like that."

"I never felt good enough for you."

"James, you're everything I want. So much more than 'good enough for me.' I'm sorry that I treated you like nothing once I moved away. Please forgive me for that."

The car rolled to a stop and Kendall looked up to see they were back at the hotel. Logan met his gaze in the rear view mirror and guessed, "You won't be joining me and Carlos tonight, I take it?"

Guilt swamped him that he was giving up what might be his last chance to spend time with them, but he couldn't stand to lose the same with James. "I'm sorry. James and I really have a lot to talk about."

"I get it," Logan smiled. "And Carlos will, too. Maybe we can grab lunch together tomorrow."

Kendall nodded before stepping out of the car and immediately moving to grab James' hand as they walked toward the building.

Lucy smirked over at Logan. "So you and the wrestler?"

Logan's cheeks flushed. "Please, Lucy. His entire career could be ruined if anyone knows. I know you don't like me, but—"

"Who says I don't like you?"

"You certainly don't act like you do."

"Well, I rarely act like I like Kendall, either, but he's one of my favorite people."

Kendall almost stopped walking in shock. "Excuse me? Then why do you fuck with my head so hard?"

"Told you," Lucy grinned as she glanced back over her shoulder. "It's fun."

With a roll of his eyes, Kendall asked James, "How do you stand her?"

"She's not as crazy as she likes to act," James laughed. "And she's the best friend I've had since...well. Since you."

"Why don't you and the wrestler join us in the lobby for a change?" Lucy said to Logan.

"Carlos might actually enjoy that," Logan mused. "And I guess it wouldn't hurt to socialize with the guests a little bit. My uncle can just deal with it since I'll be working less once I start school anyway."

Kendall smiled, proud of how far Logan had come since the day they met. Thinking back now, he couldn't believe it had been over a month ago; it felt like just yesterday he'd been agonizing over inviting Logan to have dinner with him. As they entered the building and were greeted by a crowd of people getting into place to watch the final battle on "National Popstar," Kendall's earlier sadness returned. He didn't want to leave these people or this place where he'd learned so much about himself and what he truly wanted in life. His mother's words returned to him, and he knew this path would soon have that "Do Not Enter" sign in front of it, too.

Overwhelmed by emotion, he dragged James quickly toward the elevator and this time it was him burying his face in James' neck for the flow of tears that hit. James held him tight the way he had when they were children, silently promising Kendall that no matter where the next path took him, he wouldn't be alone.

* * *

Kendall offered no argument when James led him to apartment 2K and unlocked the door.

"I always thought it was funny," James mused.

"What?"

"I'm in 2K, which is your initial. And you're in—"

"2J. Which is yours." Even through his sadness Kendall smiled with a shake of his head. "That is funny."

"It felt kind of...I don't know. Symbolic in a way."

Kendall closed the door behind him before staring around an apartment set up very similar to his. "I would've expected you to have posters up or something. Your walls were covered with them when we were kids."

James shrugged. "I knew I wouldn't be staying long."

After letting out a heavy sigh, Kendall approached James to hug him. "I can't believe you did this for me. I didn't deserve it, not after the way I treated you."

"You didn't deserve to lose your hockey career, either," James pointed out while snuggling in closer to Kendall.

"Can we talk about that?" When James stiffened in the embrace, Kendall added, "I know you didn't do it on purpose. I just...I guess I need to understand how it happened."

James pulled away to lead Kendall to a sofa by the hand. "I think we have a lot to talk about, so we might as well be comfortable. Are you hungry?"

"A little," Kendall admitted. "I can wait for food, though."

"How about some hot cocoa?"

A warm feeling spread up into Kendall's chest; this was the James he'd known as a child, and it was nice to see some things hadn't changed. "I'd love that."

"Don't move," James grinned, heading toward the kitchen before doubling back to press a kiss to Kendall's lips. "Just because I can."

Kendall reached up to pull James down when he tried to move away, using his tongue to explore James' mouth until James let out a soft whine and stepped back. "How long can you stay?" he asked breathlessly.

His own head in a bit of a fog from the kiss, Kendall struggled to answer. "Um...let me text Mom and tell her where I am and that we need to talk. Katie might've already told her everything as it is."

James bit his lip nervously. "Will she hate me once she knows how I feel about you?"

Kendall started to reply that of course not, she loved James, then realized they'd never discussed him in a romantic sense. "I...honestly don't know. She doesn't even know I'm gay."

Curiosity piqued, James perched on the back of the sofa. "When did _you_ know?"

"Me?"

"Yeah. I assumed you were straight because I never saw any hint that you might be into guys."

"Well...the truth is I never considered I might be, either. Logan changed that."

That didn't sit well with James. "Right. Logan."

"James, it's not...I mean..."

"You don't owe me anything," James said quietly, but Kendall heard the pain he was working to hide. "We weren't dating, I had no right to lay claim to you."

Needing time to collect his thoughts, Kendall suggested, "Why don't you go get us some cocoa while I text Mom and then we'll talk about all this. I'll tell you anything you want to know. But I have questions, too."

James nodded. A few minutes later they were both settled on the sofa with steaming mugs of chocolate covered by whipped cream in their grips, James waiting expectantly for Kendall to speak.

"So...the thing with Logan. I want you to know that he was never into me. He's been in love with Carlos since before we moved here."

"Really? Because you're always with him and I saw you two dancing and kissing and—"

"The dancing was just practice. They were trying to teach me how. They started dating right after I moved in. It was me who brought them together."

"Okay, but then how does that explain you kissing him?"

"It's complicated. The time you saw us, it was basically a kiss goodbye. He knew I was throwing the contest and that our time was up."

James digested that. "And the picture that was posted of you guys holding hands? Even Lucy said she walked in on that once."

Wondering how to explain it, Kendall placed his mug on the table and settled on, "Remember when we were kids? How many times did I hold your hand when you were scared?"

"So you held his hand out of fear? Kissed him out of fear?" James shook his head. "Not buying that."

"I held his hand to console him. He was upset and needed a friend, and you know better than anyone I do what I can to take care of my friends."

James nodded slowly, eyes on the whipped cream that was melting in his mug. "So he replaced me."

Kendall raised a brow. "Well, it's not like Lucy didn't replace _me_."

"I never kissed her," James pointed out.

"Oh? So she didn't give you a hand job in the cabana?"

In the midst of sipping down hot cocoa, James choked and spilled some of the liquid before setting his mug down. "Excuse me? Where the fuck did you get that idea?"

"I heard it, James." Letting his hurt rise to the surface, Kendall continued, "I heard you two that night. She was..." He hesitated, then blushed and said, "She complimented your length."

James blinked in rapid succession. "What are you _talking_ about? She's never even seen my...Kendall, are you insane?"

"James, I was right there, outside the curtain. I shouldn't have been listening but I needed to know, and...she kept asking you to show it to her and you finally did and she wanted to hold it and—"

"Oh my god," James blurted, a hand covering his eyes. "No. Kendall. It was my notebook! That was the night I let her read my song for the first time. The one I sang to you the second week. She helped me with it! I never...how could you think...?"

"Because you two were always together!" Kendall exploded, embarrassed now. "She said you wanted me to think you guys were dating. It worked! I bought it. You kept bringing her around, even at our duet rehearsal you had to have her there and—"

"Of course I did! How the fuck was I supposed to face you and not fall at your feet and beg you to hold me again? How was I supposed to be in the same room with you and not stare with hearts in my eyes? She got me through it, through all of it, and told me so many times I needed to just let you go. I couldn't, though." Tears swam in James' eyes. "Ten fucking years and I still couldn't let you go. You hated me, wanted nothing to do with me, and I just...I just wanted my friend back."

Kendall's heart shattered the way his knee had, guilt overwhelming him. He pulled James into his arms and held him tight, feeling the tall body shake in his grip as the flood broke to leave James sobbing over the loss that had destroyed him ten years before. "I'm sorry," Kendall whispered. "So sorry."

"How could you leave me? I know you had to move but how could you just stop caring about me?"

"I had to. James, please try to understand, you were part of the nightmare I needed to escape. It's not fair to you, it was never fair to leave you behind, but I had to forget about all of that and try to live a normal life."

"I was never a nightmare, though. I tried to protect you, I tried to make you feel safe when you were scared, I—"

"I know," Kendall murmured against James' hair. "And you did. I wouldn't have gotten through the worst of that without you. I'm sorry, none of it was your fault. I should've kept you in my life, should've found a way to see you, I just...I had to block that life out."

"Didn't you miss me at all?"

"Yes. But it made me feel weak and I just...I'm sorry. I wanted to be strong. He made me weak and scared and I needed to forget everything about that place so I could move on."

"But that didn't mean we couldn't see each other. I would've come to you, you never had to come back to that place. I tried at the hockey game, I just wanted to see you for a little while and you acted like I was nobody."

"I know. I'm not proud of the way I treated you." Kendall pushed James away just enough to tilt his chin up for a soft kiss. "You deserved so much better. You still do. If you'd rather be with Lucy, I—"

"Kendall, have you not heard anything I've been saying tonight? I can't let you go. I've tried. I dated other people, I made new friends, but...something was always missing. Nobody makes me feel the way you did. I just want that back. If you're not ready for a relationship, I can accept that—just be my friend again."

"I _am_ ready. That's what I've been singing about. The songs I got to choose, they were all about you. I'm ready for love and I want you back. I want to be your shelter, I want to be the one you run to when you're scared, I want to have dinner dates and movie dates and picnics in the park with you and...I want it all with you." Reality crashed down to leave him empty again. "Someday. I won't get that now, because I have to move back home, but...maybe someday I can have those things with you. If you don't meet someone better first."

Without warning Kendall was shoved onto his back so that James could climb up his body. "There _is_ no one better." Tears still clinging to James' lashes, he pressed his lips to Kendall's until they were both at peace. "All I want is you. We'll make it work. Somehow we'll figure it out and fly you out here as often as we can, and I can guilt Mom into flying me home, and...well. You'd have to go back there but—"

"For you, I will. It won't be easy to face all the memories again, but you taught me that there are good ones there, too. Maybe you can help me replace the bad ones with better ones."

"Can we start now?" James whispered, Kendall's body waking up when he felt James move over him.

"Um...I've never...I mean, I've experienced a few things, but..."

"Just tell me this." James met his gaze and braced himself. "Do I need to worry about you and Logan? Or you and Carlos, or you and Camille or you and...anybody?"

"No. I'm not gonna hide anything from you, I made out with Logan. _And_ Carlos."

"Do they both know that?"

"Yeah, it was at the same time. Their idea, so I'd know whether I was into guys or not. But I swear, James, it's you I wanted to be with. Nobody makes _me_ feel like this, either."

"I don't want to waste any more time. We can't get back the last ten years, but I'm not going to lose a second of the next."

Kendall hissed when James' hips settled between his thighs; the friction was almost unbearable. "Is Lucy going to barge in when we're naked and ruin this?"

"No," James chuckled, his mouth suctioning itself to Kendall's neck before continuing. "She knows we need time alone. Besides, she's probably making her move on the new girl right now."

"New girl? Which one?"

"Blonde? Her name's Jo? Lucy's on a mission."

"That poor girl," Kendall smirked. "Should I warn Jo to avoid elevators?"

"Jo's a nice girl. She'll be good for Lucy."

"But will Lucy be good for her?" He gasped when James' hand slid between their bodies.

"Too soon?" James asked.

"Fuck no. I've been fantasizing about this for weeks. Let's not waste any of that time."

James grinned, Kendall getting a glimpse of those hearts in his eyes; he was glad James didn't feel the need to hide them anymore.

* * *

Kendall slowly opened his eyes to the sight of skin that was warm when he pressed his lips to it. Twelve hours ago this was the place he'd wanted to be most in the world but never imagined he'd actually get to be. James' arms were relaxed around him, yet he felt safer than at any other time he could remember.

 _No, that's not true. I felt this way once before, in my bed back in Minnesota when I was eight. He made me feel safe then, too._

The guilt crashed down over Kendall again, a memory returning of James standing outside an ice rink and rubbing his hands over his face while Kendall rode away. It hadn't been sweat James was wiping away from his eyes that day, he knew that now.

He slid his arms around James, wishing he could undo the years of pain he'd put James through. All James had ever wanted was for Kendall to stay; from the day they'd met so long ago, that was James' one wish.

 _But I left. And I'm leaving him again. All I do is hurt him._

Unable to stand being close to James in that moment, Kendall extricated himself from the warm body and sat up. He felt a hand press lightly against his back.

"Leaving already?" James mumbled.

After glancing at a clock on the bedside table, Kendall managed, "It's after five. Mom's probably freaking out."

"Text me later?"

When Kendall turned back to reply, he was glad it was still dark enough that James wouldn't be able to see his expression too clearly; James could always see right through him and would know his thoughts were troubled. "Promise." He leaned down to taste James' lips one more time, closing his eyes to savor the feeling. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know."

He felt James' lips curve up with the words, and it was enough for now; he'd managed to make James smile.

He dressed quickly, feeling James' gaze follow his every move as well as it could in the gloom, but it wasn't until Kendall was about to step through the doorway that James spoke.

"I love you, too."

And here came the smile that only James Diamond could bring to his face. Knowing their time together was short, Kendall asked, "Want to get lunch later?"

"Can we do dinner, too? After the show tonight?"

"It might be late by the time we're finished with the finale."

"Is that a no?"

Feelings a storm inside him, Kendall hesitated. "I just don't want to get in the way of whatever Hawk has planned for you. And the show, they'll probably keep you and—"

"Kendall. I don't care about any of that. I just want to spend time with you before you leave."

 _Again._

It was the unspoken word dangling between them, bringing the guilt back full-force. "Yeah," Kendall said softly. "We can do dinner."

"Text me."

"Promise."

Haunted by promises he'd made James before, Kendall turned away. He couldn't bear to see the sadness he'd created once again.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Not a lot of action in this chapter, it's mostly conversations that needed to take place. Enjoy anyway!

Thanks as always to you guys who are reading this and to those who review. :)

* * *

There was an invitation to lunch with Logan waiting for him on his phone. Kendall groaned, remembering his promise to James but feeling torn because there most likely wouldn't be another chance to see Logan before he flew home. And if there was ever a time he needed Logan, it was now.

Kendall knew better than to head down to Logan's apartment, but he also didn't want to wait until Logan started work because it would be difficult to have a private conversation in the lobby even at this early hour. He tried for a text.

" _You wouldn't have time to meet up before work, would you?"_

A reply came back within thirty seconds. _"I can skip breakfast. Meet me in the cabana in ten minutes. You have me for fifteen."_

Gratitude swept through Kendall. _"Thank you. I'll go out and pick you up something after we talk. I just need a friend."_

" _You'll always have that."_

The words were enough to choke Kendall up, making him wonder when he'd become such an emotional mess. Is this what opening yourself to people did, made you care so much that you walked around with your heart on your sleeve constantly? Is that why James was always crying?

And was it really something Kendall wanted to be?

The memory of James holding him during the night and whispering things like "This is how I always imagined it could be" and "Oh god, that feels so good" was enough to calm Kendall down. Yes, this was exactly what he wanted be. He missed it already.

Logan parted the heavy curtains with a smile and two foam cups filled with steaming coffee. "Morning, Romeo," he grinned. "You look like shit."

Kendall couldn't hold back a chuckle while reaching out for a cup. "It's been a long night. Thank you."

"Did you just now leave James'?"

"Yeah."

After settling into the other chair, Logan sipped at his coffee. "So you didn't sleep at all."

"No, I did. Some. I just...my head's all over the place."

Logan nodded slowly. "You're dealing with a lot right now. Are things okay with him? You two talked?"

"We did. We um." Kendall gulped down the hot liquid, feeling his throat complain and not caring. "How do you look so put-together at 6 A.M.?"

"Don't change the subject. I'm up at five every morning so this is nothing new for me. Are you trying to say you had sex?"

A smile played at Kendall's lips. "Not quite. We came close, but...I don't know. It's too soon for that. We only just got together last night, you know?"

"So you're officially together?"

"We are," Kendall answered.

"Then why aren't you floating on cloud nine like I was when Carlos asked me out?"

Kendall shrugged before admitting, "Because I'm leaving. I'm leaving him again, Logan. The one thing he ever asked of me was to stay, and..." Here came the tears Kendall was starting to get used to, and they embarrassed him but it was Logan, so it was okay. "How can I leave him again? I'm such a fuck-up, all I do is hurt him."

"No. This is totally different, you're not abandoning him. You guys are gonna stay together, right? Be boyfriends and...do all that?"

"Yeah, I mean, we're gonna try, but...what good can I be to him from so far away? Our relationship is built on protecting each other and being there at each others' sides and how can I do that from Minnesota?"

Logan gave it some thought before asking, "Are you sure there's no way you can stay?"

He shook his head. "I can't afford a place here, and Mom can't afford to pay for me."

"I bet James can. Eventually. Obviously not right now, but let him get an album out and he'll get his own place and there you go."

"But how long will that take, Logan? It could take a year, and by then he's met other people and forgotten about me and—"

"How many people has he met in the past ten years?"

"What?"

"He was away from you for ten years. Met lots of people, maybe even dated some of them—"

"He did. He told me that last night."

"So he dated other people and never even spoke to you for ten years. Did he ever forget you?"

"No," Kendall admitted. "He said he made new friends and dated, but there was always something missing."

"That something is you. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because I get it. Once Carlos starts touring with the federation I'm going to miss him like crazy and probably assume twenty times he's cheating on me, because look at all the hot guys he'll be around, and then there's the gorgeous women who will throw themselves at him but—"

"He's not gonna cheat on you."

"And that's what I'm saying to you. James Diamond is so fixated on you that he flew to another state to win his dream only so he could throw it away and give you a good life. He's that in love with you, Kendall. Distance isn't going to change it."

Kendall let that sink in, knowing in his heart that Logan was right. "But that doesn't change that I'm leaving him alone in all of this. The time he needs me most, and I won't be here for him. Sure, he'll have Lucy, but...it should be me. I just want the chance to make it all up to him, to prove that I love him and that I'm not going to leave him again. Instead, what am I doing? I'm leaving. It fucking sucks."

"It does," Logan agreed. "And I'm sorry for that. I'm also sorry that I'm losing you in the process, because you're the best friend I've ever had."

Kendall smiled when Logan squeezed his hand. "You have to promise me you'll text me every day. Call me. Just...don't forget me."

"That works both ways. Whatever your new path is, it's going to bring you into contact with new people and places. Don't forget about us, either."

"Never."

Kendall noted the time and sighed; Logan would have to go soon.

"So is that a no on lunch?"

"I'd already asked James to lunch when I saw your text. I'm sorry. Can you come tonight? To the finale? I know it's a lot to ask, you took last night off and—"

"I'll be there."

Kendall blinked a few times at the firmness in Logan's voice. "Did you already ask him?"

"No, but I'll be there. Not only is it my last night to spend with you, I think you're going to need a friend."

Thinking of the conflicting emotions that would run through him when James was announced the winner, Kendall nodded. "Yeah. Thanks."

" _If_ you answer one question."

"Oh, no. I know where this is going."

"I'm a freak and you love me," Logan grinned. "So the uh...challenge thing. With James."

"Yes, I can still get it up when we're not fighting. Is that what you want to know?"

Logan smirked. "Pretty much. That means your attraction to him isn't just that. Which is a good thing."

"I knew that two weeks ago, Logan."

"Well, now you know for sure. I imagine you'll be spending the night with him again?"

"Yeah. Sorry, I know that's not fair to you and Carlos."

"I get it. I'd do the same in your position. Are you leaving tomorrow?"

"I think so. Kelly hasn't told me yet, but I remember reading something about that in the paperwork I signed. That my flight home would be covered the day after the contest, should I lose."

"Then I guess this is goodbye."

"No, Logan, we can talk tonight at the show. James will be busy with Hawk."

"And you'll be busy with Gustavo. This is our last real chance to just...wow, I'm gonna miss this a lot. This right here, meeting in the cabana for deep talks."

"Me, too," Kendall admitted, voice cracking as the knowledge of everything he was giving up crashed down again. "I'm gonna miss you so much, buddy."

Though Logan didn't let the intensity of his sadness show outwardly, Kendall sensed it in the tightening of his grip. "I can't thank you enough for everything. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have Carlos. I wouldn't be going to school out here. I wouldn't know how to behave around a guy. You weren't here for very long, but you turned this place upside down and we all will miss you more than you know."

Kendall swallowed before clearing his throat. "It's hard to believe now that it was vengeance that brought me here. That I wanted James to suffer."

"I told you early on that isn't you. I knew right away you're a good person. As mad as I am at you for losing this contest, I'm also so proud. You did the right thing for him. I should've known from the start that you would."

"He deserves it."

"I know. But so do you."

"There you go, sounding like Mom again," Kendall laughed, removing his hand from Logan's to wipe at a few stray tears. "He's gonna be fantastic. I can't wait to see it. I just..."

"I know. You wish it wasn't from a distance."

"Exactly," Kendall nodded.

"I gotta go. I'm sorry."

"It's cool. Thanks for this. I'm buying you breakfast."

"You don't have to do that, there are granola bars in the vending machine."

"I'm hungry anyway. We never did get around to eating last night."

"A little too busy getting naked instead?" Logan teased.

"Something like that. God, he's beautiful. And the things he can do with his mouth..."

"You're getting hot just thinking about it."

"Mmm. Okay, breakfast. Mom should be asleep for another hour or so. I don't even know how to tell her everything. How do you say 'Hey Mom, remember that guy I swore I'd hate forever? We're sleeping together now.'"

"Maybe find a more delicate way to impart that knowledge."

"Yeah."

They laughed together while Logan picked up their coffee cups and stood. "I'll take the number three from the diner across the street."

"Deal. Thanks again, Logan. For everything."

"I'm always here for you. Don't forget it."

As Kendall left Logan at the front desk and strolled through the lobby, he knew he never would; this place had brought him pain, but it had also supplied him with enough good memories to last him a lifetime. He'd learned to _live_ here. It was a new path, and though it wasn't the one he would stay on, as he took a moment to turn in place and commit the lobby to memory, he decided this path had been his favorite to walk. Thanks to people like Logan, Carlos, and Kelly, he hadn't had to walk it alone.

"Really gonna miss this place," he said under his breath, then escaped before he could break down for what would probably not be the last time that day.

Emotions sucked.

* * *

After dropping off a foam container filled with breakfast at the front desk for Logan, Kendall headed for the elevator with a bag containing two more meals. Once inside the metal box he remembered the time Lucy had ambushed him with his first kiss, then the subsequent meeting with James when the doors opened and he stumbled out against his will. Hadn't his next kiss also been in this elevator? It made him smile now, thinking about how uncomfortable Lucy had made him and how unprepared he'd been to experience real feelings for the first time.

He glanced at apartment 2K as he was unlocking his own door, a sudden urge to hide away from the world with James almost impossible to resist. Maybe they could just stay in that apartment for the next week and no one would ever know.

But then James wouldn't be out here living his dream, and that had been the whole point once Kendall accepted that it was meant to be. With a heavy sigh he opened the door to what would soon be an empty apartment and quietly made his way to the dining area, where he was surprised to see coffee was already brewing.

"I thought I heard something," Jennifer commented as she stepped into the kitchen. "You're up early, sweetie."

"I was just thinking the same thing about you."

"Couldn't sleep?" she asked, and when Kendall seemed at a loss for words, she added, "Is that breakfast? What's the occasion?"

"Well, it's our last real day here, and we uh...you know. We never even tried the diner across the street."

Halfway through the last sentence Kendall crumpled, horrified to find himself dissolving into tears. "Oh, honey," Jennifer murmured, immediately moving to hug him close as he broke down in a way he hadn't since having to accept that he would never play hockey again. "Sweetheart, it's gonna be okay. You might still win this thing, you know."

Kendall shook his head against her shoulder, clinging to his mother. "No, he's gonna win it, and he deserves it, I just...I don't want to go. I have friends here, I have a life here, and there's nothing for me there."

"I'm sorry, if I could afford for us to live out here, we would, but it's just not within our means."

"I know." Kendall stepped back and wiped his eyes, grateful when his mother opened the plastic bag containing their food and pulled out a napkin for him to use. "I just never thought I'd get attached or actually like being here. This was all just to make James suffer and now..."

When he trailed off, Jennifer hesitantly tried, "Can we talk about James?"

Kendall nodded, knowing he'd have to face this eventually and it was best to get it out of the way now. "Yeah. He's..."

Sensing that whatever Kendall was trying to say was difficult, she gestured for him to sit at the table. "Let me get some coffee and we can talk all this over, okay? Would you like some?"

"I'd honestly love some milk."

"Of course," she smiled.

Kendall unpacked their food while Jennifer took care of drinks, and then they were sitting across from each other inhaling the mouth-watering scent of bacon and sausage. "None for Katie?" she smirked.

"I knew she'd still be asleep. And...I knew we needed to have a serious talk."

Jennifer nodded slowly, taking that in as she reached for a plastic fork. "So you and James also had a serious talk, I'm assuming?"

"Yeah. It was long overdue."

"I'm trying really hard not to say 'I told you so'," she grinned.

"Yeah, yeah," Kendall chuckled. "Fine, you were right. Turns out he took it really hard when we moved and I made it worse by completely dropping him as a friend."

"So that song he sang last night. That was about you, right?"

"Yep. He started writing it after our first championship game, the first time we saw each other again and I treated him like crap."

Jennifer sighed. "I remember being surprised that you two didn't try to get together afterward, even for pizza or something. I almost suggested it myself but—"

"He tried," Kendall admitted before shoving a bite of scrambled eggs into his mouth. "He tried and I just...shut him down. It hurt him a lot."

"I'm sure it did," she replied gently. "The song sounded like he still misses you, though."

"It's hard to explain. Basically he's been holding on for all these years, and every time we met up for hockey, he was hoping we could be friends again." The words were difficult to get out, as guilt shot through him for the way he'd treated James.

"And all you could see was the enemy."

Kendall nodded. "I was an idiot. Um...I don't really know how to say all this, I'm not good with feelings and stuff. We talked a lot last night and..." He hesitated, wondering how to just say it.

"Did you just come home this morning?" his mother asked shrewdly.

Again, all he could do was nod.

"The song you two did together last night. That duet. You were both feelings some things, weren't you?"

Kendall gulped down milk, his chest tight and his heart pounding hard. No wonder Logan was dreading this conversation with his mother. How had Carlos survived it?

"Honey...you can talk to me."

"I know, I just...all this time he was acting like he hated me, but it was because he wanted me to win."

An eyebrow rose sharply. "He wanted to lose?"

"Yeah. He felt so bad about my knee that he flew to Boston just so he could go up against me and make sure I win. He wanted to give me a good life because I told him he stole mine from me."

Jennifer sat back in her chair to absorb that. "All this time he was planning to lose?"

"From the start. And he said that he knew if I didn't continue to hate him, I'd end up having to do the right thing and let _him_ win. Because I'd convince myself that he deserved it more."

Her gaze narrowed. "And did you?"

"I purposely bombed it last night, Mom. I mean, the song was genuine, but I knew going in it wouldn't get me the win. By that time I'd decided he deserved it more."

"Oh, Kendall. He knows you so well. He didn't even have to win you back as a friend for you to do what you considered the right thing. But honey, you don't seem to understand that you deserve this, too!"

"Not when it's been his dream for his whole life. I can't take that from him."

"What changed? That's what I'm trying to understand. From the start, you were determined to win and to rub his face in it. What happened to change that?"

The words came easily, surprising Kendall. "I fell in love."

A slow smile spread across Jennifer's face. "With James," she confirmed.

"With James. I know it's weird, I've never had any interest in guys before, but—"

"Well, you've never had any interest in _love_ before."

"Right. So I moved here and suddenly it was a thing, I wanted to be with someone."

"I remember you talking about that at dinner with Logan and Carlos. I was excited."

"Excited?" Kendall chuckled. "Because I was talking about girls?"

"Because you were talking about _anybody._ Kendall, I know how important hockey was to you, and I always supported that. But I also knew it wouldn't be enough, that eventually you'd need someone in your life. I've been waiting for this for a long time, honey."

"It doesn't bother you that it's James? That it's a guy?"

"It's..." Jennifer took a moment to gather her thoughts. "I admit that when I imagined you finding love, I always assumed it would be a girl. What I should have understood is that if you were into girls, one would've opened your eyes by now. Whether you liked it or not, there would've been a girl to catch your eye. Instead, all of your focus was on hockey. On _James_ , if we're being honest."

"Logan said the same thing," Kendall smiled. "He figured out from the way I talked that my goal was always to take James down."

"You were fixated on it, Kendall. So many times you'd say things like 'We'll never beat James if the team keeps playing like that' or 'I came up with a new play James won't be expecting.' It was always about him. I really should've seen this coming sooner."

Kendall hid his face behind his hands, embarrassed that his mother had seen through him when he hadn't even had a clue.

"But honey..." Jennifer reached out to pull his hands away and smile softly. "You can't help what you feel. Your father was not the right man for me. My parents knew that and tried to talk me out of marrying him. I had my doubts, but I loved him. I couldn't stop loving him, not until he gave me reasons to."

"He gave you a lot of those," Kendall muttered darkly.

"He did, but the point is I loved him and I couldn't help that at the time. When you came here, you wanted to hate James. You succeeded for awhile, and then you couldn't ignore what's been there all along."

"I'd forgotten so much, Mom. I blocked it all out, and seeing him again brought back the memories. When I started to remember our friendship and what it was like when we were kids, I realized how much I missed him. And he was so gorgeous and when he'd sing, I just...I don't know how to explain it."

"You fell in love."

"I fell in love," Kendall echoed with a sigh. "I hurt him so bad, and I can't make up for that, but he never stopped caring about me. He loved me, too. We just couldn't admit it to each other."

"Kendall...I know this isn't easy for you. You're not one to deal well with so many feelings. But please, honey, give this a chance. If there's anyone on this Earth who will look after you and take care of you, it's James Diamond. Why do you think I allowed him to be at the house all the time when you were kids? He made you feel safe when you were scared. There's nobody who's ever loved you more. Outside of me, of course."

Relief swept through him, the weight of the world slipping off his shoulders. "So you approve?"

"As long as he continues to love you, yes. I told you five weeks ago you should make up with him."

"Right, but you didn't mean as boyfriends."

"Well, no, but...if he makes you happy, of course I approve."

"Thanks, Mom. I was so scared to tell you. All of this only happened last night, I mean I knew a few weeks ago I was falling in love with him, but I didn't know until last night that he felt the same way. I thought he and Lucy were together. He thought me and Logan were."

"So much miscommunication," Jennifer sighed with a shake of her head. "People just need to say what's on their minds."

"Well, we did last night, and we're together now, and...I have to move back home and abandon him again. How is that fair?"

"You're not abandoning him, Kendall. You barely spoke for ten years and still managed to retain your feelings for each other. I'm not worried about it."

Kendall shook his head in amazement. "Logan said almost the same exact thing to me. You guys are so much alike."

"Probably why I like him," Jennifer grinned, then it faded. "I'm sorry you have to leave him. I know you two have become close."

"He's the best friend I've ever had. I mean, except for James."

"I meant what I said. You've built up a lot of fans, you might still win this tonight."

"But then James loses. I don't want that."

"If he does, he'll survive. You'll help him get through it, just like he'll help you if you lose. You're not alone anymore, sweetie. Not that you ever were, but...you know?"

"Yeah," Kendall smiled. "I know. I just wish I wasn't leaving him alone out here. He has Lucy, and I guess I'm grateful for that. She'll look after him. I know Logan will, too."

"He'll be okay. Maybe once we move home you can get a job and save up money to come see him."

"I will. I just need to figure out what kind of job I want to try for. I really have no idea where to start, Mom."

Jennifer smirked. "Ever consider working with a choir? I happen to know the elementary school is looking for a music teacher."

"Singing in one contest does not qualify me to be a music teacher. I can't even play any instruments."

"Just an idea," she shrugged. "I hope you don't give up singing. It makes you so happy."

A sleepy voice floated to them from the hallway. "I smell bacon. There'd better be some left for me!"

Kendall swallowed the last bite he'd just popped into his mouth. "Shit. Looks like I'm heading back across the street."

He was almost to the door when he turned back; something had been bothering him. "Hey, Katie?"

Her hair tousled from sleep, she turned to him while rubbing her eyes.

"I've been wondering...last night at the show. You and Lucy."

"Yeah?"

"I guess I'm just surprised that you wanted me to let James win. I would've thought you'd rather I do, me being your brother and all. You kept telling everyone to vote for me and you barely know James and—"

"Oh, you're still gonna win this."

That shut Kendall up for a second, brows coming together. "No, the goal last night was for James to win."

"No, the goal last night was for you to be happy. You think I couldn't tell how you felt about him?"

"Katie, _I_ didn't even know how I felt about him."

"Well, yeah, but you're dumb sometimes."

"Katie," Jennifer warned from the kitchen. "Don't talk to your brother that way."

"Come on, Mom, he _is_ dumb about this sort of thing."

After rolling his eyes, Kendall prompted, "Explain."

"Okay, so I knew you had a thing for him. I also knew he was a good guy, after spending the past few weeks with Lucy. She never told me how he felt about you, but I was around him a little bit and I could tell he was a good guy. So I was willing to do whatever it took to get you guys talking. I just didn't know how. When I overheard Lucy trying to convince James not to lose, it all made sense and I wasn't gonna let that opportunity pass me by. I knew James wasn't gonna cave but I also knew that you would, because that's how you are. So I told her we needed to talk to you instead."

Kendall chewed on that, literally biting his lip as he digested the words. "Did you know he had feelings for me then?"

"No, but I knew he missed you and felt bad about what he did. All I cared about at that point was getting you two talking again, because I knew once you did, you'd win him over. And that would make you happy."

"But then I'd have to lose," Kendall pointed out.

"No, you'd just have to try to lose on purpose, that would be enough to make him love you. I didn't know until Logan said it that you were already planning that. But you're wrong."

"About what?"

"You're not gonna lose. You're too good."

"He's better."

"You have enough votes from the earlier weeks that you can still win. I believe in you."

Kendall let out a sigh. "Katie...I'm sorry, but it's not gonna happen. The whole point was to make sure he wins."

"But _his_ whole point was to make sure _you_ win, so he was purposely blowing it every week. And I'm not giving up Hollywood, so you're winning. And now you two are together, so everybody wins!"

"James doesn't," Kendall argued. "James still has to go back home, even if I do win."

"I'm not worried about it," she shrugged. "You two will figure something out. There's no way either of you is letting the other go. You may be dumb, but you're not _that_ dumb."

* * *

It was when Kendall was finally tumbling into bed that he realized he'd never given James a time for their lunch date. Sure that James was deep asleep by now, Kendall rapped his knuckles twice on the wall at the head of his bed anyway. He was rewarded a few seconds later by an echo of his own knock and grinned, then reached for his phone to send a quick text.

" _What time do you have to be at the station?"_

" _4."_

" _Same. Want to ride out together?"_

" _I'll have Lucy with me."_

" _That's fine, we can make it work. Should we plan lunch around 2, then?"_

" _Sounds good. I need some sleep anyway."_

" _Me too. Why aren't you sleeping now?"_

" _A lot on my mind. I miss you already."_

" _I know the feeling."_

Still getting used to the functions on his new phone, Kendall followed that with a symbol of a heart and was rewarded with one in return.

" _Want to just order lunch in?"_

Kendall's body heated up when he saw the devil face James added to that text. _"Hell yeah. See you at two."_

" _I love you."_

Now it was Kendall's heart warming rather than his body; he was so glad James could speak the words freely now. _"I love you, too. Get some sleep."_

" _Night."_

" _Night, beautiful."_

* * *

Kendall managed about ninety minutes of sleep before the shrill of his phone crashed into his dreams.

"No," he groaned, burying his head under blankets as if that would stop the offending noise. Miraculously it worked, but only long enough for him to relax. Then it started again and Kendall wanted to throw the damn thing across the room; realizing it might be James, though, he reached out blindly to answer. "Yeah?"

It was Kelly's voice on the other end. "We need you down here at the studio as soon as possible. Now would be good."

"What? No, the show doesn't start until—"

"Not that studio, Rocque Records. They just informed us the guest for tonight backed out, which means you and James have to fill the time with performances."

Kendall sat up fast, trying to clear the cobwebs from his brain. "Wait, what? No, you said no more singing."

"I'm sorry, Kendall. Gustavo's freaking out, just get down here!"

The call was disconnected and Kendall let out another groan, dropping his head into his hand. He was too tired to even stand at this point, how was he supposed to sing? And did this mean he couldn't spend today with James?

"It's not fair," he mumbled. "Why is the world so against us?"

As if on cue, his phone buzzed with a text.

" _Hey, I hate to do this but Rebecca just called and wants me at the studio now. I'm sorry, I can't do lunch with you."_

" _I got the same call. Why does the world hate us so much?"_

" _Can you spend the night with me again?"_

Considering it would be his last night with James for who knew how long, Kendall replied, _"I wouldn't miss it. See you at the studio tonight?"_

" _Can't wait. Love you."_

Kendall's lips curved up. It would never get old. _"Love you, too."_


	30. Chapter 30

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Apologies now, because I thought the contest winner would be revealed in this chapter and I was wrong—turns out it's the next chapter. Sorry about that, but there's a lot going on the final night, so I had to break it into two chapters. I promise you will find out in the next chapter who wins! Thanks for sticking with this in the meantime and as always, I LOVE hearing your thoughts and talking to you about them when you review!

* * *

Kendall was in a mood by the time he arrived at Rocque Records. A shower hadn't done much to clear his head of the exhaustion and his body felt like lead when he moved.

"Did you sleep at all?" Kelly wondered while handing him a cup of coffee that he didn't even need to ask for.

"Not much," he admitted. "James and I were up most of the night." At a smirk Kelly threw his way, he added, "Talking. We spent most of it talking."

"Sure," she smiled, then surprised him with an uncharacteristic hug. "I'm teasing you. The truth is I'm very happy for you and really proud that you stepped up and did the right thing for him."

"I thought you wanted to win."

"I did," Kelly replied before moving away. "But what I wanted even more was for you to find your place. Looks like you did."

"Yeah, only to leave it tomorrow."

"Well, that was your choice. You could've won this."

"I know," Kendall sighed. "I don't regret giving it to him. But I really will miss this place and...you. Believe it or not, even Gustavo."

"Yeah, he grows on you," Kelly grinned. "Come on, let's get in there. Warning you now that he didn't sleep much either, so he's grumpy. Please don't kill each other today. It's your last day together and I'd love to see you both survive it."

"I'll do my best," Kendall chuckled. He sipped at the coffee while following Kelly into the studio area, not surprised to see Gustavo at the controls and looking as dead as he felt; maybe Gustavo wouldn't have the energy to yell today. "Morning, Gustavo," he tried.

Gustavo gave a weak grunt before pounding half a cup of coffee. "So they want you to sing tonight. I wasn't given a choice so please don't start your incessant whining about how I promised you were done and—"

"It's fine," Kendall interrupted, realizing as he said the words that they were actually true; the thought of getting out there and singing was no longer a burden. "Just promise me this doesn't change the votes. What I sing tonight won't have any effect on the contest, right?"

"No," Kelly answered from the seat she'd taken next to Gustavo. "Voting will be cut off by then."

"So I can go out there and sing my heart out and not worry about taking the win from him?"

"Absolutely." Kelly nodded and opened her mouth, but Gustavo cut off whatever she would've said.

"Don't even ask to sing something you wrote. We don't have time to put anything new together."

Kendall shook his head. "I don't have anything else. I'll sing whatever you put in front of me."

"Perfect," Gustavo smiled. "See, we _can_ all get along. You already started learning the Bon Jovi song, so we're going with that. Remember the lyrics?"

Kendall blinked a few times while calling the song to mind, then nodded slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, I think that song is perfect. It's my life, it's now or never. I just want to live while I'm alive." The lyrics made him smile as he decided they were exactly what he was feeling. "Right?"

"That's the one," Kelly answered. "We're gonna play it for you so you can reacquaint yourself with it, then we'll get you going."

Gustavo surprised them both by saying, "And then maybe around one we'll have lunch brought in and an hour to nap." When they looked at him with wide eyes, he asked, "What? I can't be nice once in a while?"

Kelly laughed and reached over to hug Gustavo; though it was obviously foreign to him, he allowed it for a short time before shoving her away. "Okay, okay, enough of that. We don't need to be having hugfests around here. But before we move on from that..." He hesitated, Kendall glancing at Kelly in question; she merely shrugged, having no idea where Gustavo was going with the words. "Kendall. I know we've had our differences. You've fought me every step of the way and I wanted to throttle you numerous times. If it wasn't for Kelly, you'd probably be dead by now."

Knowing that was true, Kendall mouthed a "thank you" at Kelly. She smiled an acknowledgement.

"Having said that," Gustavo continued, "I'm..."

He trailed off, seemingly at a loss.

"Yes?" Kendall coaxed.

"Let's just say that I wish we'd won."

"I know, you've been set on that from the start."

"This is true, but..." Reaching deep inside himself to find words of kindness that he seldom used, Gustavo finally finished with, "It wouldn't have been horrible to continue working with you. That's all I'm gonna say about it."

Gustavo's point was slow to sink in, but when it did, Kendall felt the tension drain away; the impossible had happened. "I'm gonna miss you, too."

"That doesn't mean I'm allowing you to goof off today. Just because this performance isn't for the win, you don't get to go out there and embarrass me in front of the world."

"I don't intend to," Kendall assured him. "Tonight I'm gonna show the world what could have been."

Gustavo nodded. "Make me proud."

* * *

Because they spent so long working on Kendall's song, he made it to the network studio with only minutes to spare before his run-through. He rushed to the stage area just in time to catch the last few seconds of James' rehearsal, coming to a stop next to Lucy in the wings.

"What song is he doing?" Kendall wanted to know.

"You'll find out," she smiled. "You look like shit. Wonder what kept you up all night. Or should I say _who._ "

Kendall blushed but the words brought back memories that twisted his lips into a grin. "We had a lot to talk about."

"Talk, suuuuure," she teased, reminding Kendall of Kelly. When he rolled his eyes, Lucy elbowed him gently. "I'm just messing with you. The truth is I'm so happy you finally stopped being an asshole and opened your eyes to what he has to offer. If I was into dudes, I would've snapped him up the second he moved in."

Watching James speak to the show's director about how his performance would work, Kendall said, "Then I'm really glad you're not, because I think you might've been someone he could fall for."

"Nope. Too into guys. Too into _you_."

Kendall shrugged, the comment pleasing him. "We both know that's a lie anyway. I think you need someone who challenges you the way I did."

"Oh, please, there was never a moment I wanted you," Lucy scoffed. "That was all for James' benefit. You know that, right?"

"Even the first time?" he asked.

With a smirk, Lucy shrugged. "That time was just because you pissed me off when we met and I wanted to fuck with your head."

"Exactly. You're such a bitch." The sentence was said without heat, though, and Kendall turned to smile at her. "But you were also the best friend James could've had through all of this, so thank you. For being there for him when I wasn't."

"That's not gonna change just because he's with you now, you know. He's become my best friend and I'm not letting that go."

"Honestly, I'm cool with it. I know you'll look out for him when I can't be here, so...before I leave I'd like to exchange numbers. Truce?"

When Kendall held out a hand to shake, Lucy stared at him suspiciously. That lasted five seconds before she dragged him into a hug instead. "We're family now, let's act like it. I'm not one for hugs, but I think I can stand it this once."

Kendall chuckled and hugged her back. "Please, Lucy. Take care of him. I'm going to worry so much about him."

"I got this, Kendall. He'll be okay."

James' voice broke through the slight panic that was starting to climb through Kendall. "Um, excuse me, should I be jealous? Can I have my boyfriend back?"

Kendall grinned before letting go of Lucy to instead pull James into his embrace. "Always. I may be far away most of the time, but just call and I'll be there for you."

"I know you will."

"Kendall! You're up!"

"Way to ruin the moment, Gustavo!" Kendall yelled, stepping away to glare at the man. Gustavo didn't back down, waving Kendall toward the stage. "Yeah, yeah."

"Find me in my dressing room when you can," James whispered.

"Done."

* * *

Kendall couldn't arrange that until about twenty minutes before showtime. After sitting through hair and make-up, he'd been given last-minute words of encouragement from his mother and Katie and then sent them to their seats in order to escape. James answered his knock with a relieved grin before dragging Kendall into his dressing room and pressing him up against the closed door for an intense liplock.

"This is familiar," Kendall murmured. "We should've been doing this all along."

"Mmm, you're telling me. I wish we had more time."

"I feel like that's gonna become my motto." Glancing around the room, Kendall asked, "No Lucy?"

"She's actually sitting in the audience tonight. I got Jo on the guest list for her, so I guess in a way this is their first date."

"Is Jo aware of that?"

"I don't think so. She just thinks it's cool to come see the show."

"That poor girl. She has no idea what she's in for. Is she even into chicks?"

"Lucy's hoping to find that out tonight. She's actually really sweet to Jo, it's a side of her I don't think anyone ever sees. Except me sometimes."

"And she's not worried her parents will see her on TV or something?"

"She decided to stop lying to her parents and just let them see who she really is."

"Really?"

"Yeah. She was terrified, but...just tired of hiding."

Kendall nodded slowly, impressed. "That's great. I'm actually proud of her."

"Me, too," James grinned. "We have a little time, so..."

Kendall allowed James to lead him to the sofa, waiting until James was seated to straddle his hips and dip down for a long kiss. "I will never get tired of this," James breathed, Kendall humming in agreement before going in for another attack.

A light knock on the door had James groaning in frustration. "Is it too much to ask to spend five minutes alone with you?" When Kendall attempted to move away, James kept him there. "It's just Rebecca, and I don't care if she knows about us. Come in!" he called out.

It wasn't Rebecca, though; a head of dark hair peeked around the door hesitantly. "Hey, I was looking for—oh, sorry! I'll just—"

"No, Logan, wait!" Kendall hopped off of James to rush to the door, pulling Logan in. "It's okay. I was afraid you weren't gonna make it!"

"I told you I'd be here." Logan returned the hug Kendall pressed on him. "Sorry to interrupt, Kelly said I'd find you here, so..."

"It's fine," James stated, but Kendall could feel the tension emanating from him and knew they'd have to clear this hurdle eventually.

"Logan...I told James about us. I mean, about everything that happened between you and me and Carlos."

"Oh." That being the last thing he expected to hear, Logan wasn't sure what to say. "Uh...it was...it wasn't like..."

"I get it," James nodded. "It's not like I didn't experiment back home myself; I know that's...a necessary thing when you're trying to figure out what you want."

"And that's all it was," Logan assured him. "I swear to you there are no feelings for Kendall on my part other than friendship."

James raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you can stare at all that and not feel any attraction whatsoever?"

Having never truly thought about it, Logan replied honestly. "I won't lie, he's attractive. I didn't hate kissing him. But he's not my type and I'm crazy over Carlos. What I'm trying to say is that you don't need to worry about us. I'm not into him like that and Kendall's so in love with you it's pathetic."

Though Kendall rolled his eyes, James managed a genuine smile. "That's what Lucy says about me."

"I take it as a compliment," Kendall grinned. "Logan is to me what Lucy is to you. The best friend I could ever ask for—outside of you, of course."

"Understood." James rose from the sofa and held out a hand to Logan. "I know we've talked, but...let's officially become friends. Hi, I'm James. I'm Kendall's boyfriend."

"Hi," Logan returned, taking the hand and shaking. "I'm Logan. I'm Kendall's best friend."

There was a flash of possessiveness at the term, but then it faded when James seemed to remember his new place in Kendall's life. "Nice to meet you without wanting to claw your face off in jealousy."

"Well, you sure did a fantastic job of hiding that. Your acting skills will get you far, should the singing thing ever not work out."

"Thanks," James laughed.

Realizing this would probably be his last chance to spend any time at all with Logan, Kendall offered James an apologetic glance. "I'm gonna walk him out there."

"Sure. I'll see you side stage in a few."

Kendall pressed a quick kiss to James' lips before guiding Logan out into the hallway.

"Well, that wasn't intense at all," Logan sighed. "At least I know he doesn't want to shoot me."

"He really thought we were together all this time. It's hard for him."

"I know. I'm just glad he's willing to put it in the past."

"Yeah. Is Carlos here?"

"No, he couldn't get out of rehearsal. He's bummed about it."

"It's cool, I know he'd be here if he could."

"You doing okay?"

Kendall hadn't given it much thought. Now he shrugged. "I'm...really dreading leaving tomorrow. That's my main concern right now."

"Kelly said you have to perform tonight."

"Yeah, I'm not worried about that, though."

"I know. Just..." Logan stopped walking before they turned the corner leading to the stage area. He faced Kendall and said, "Do me a favor? Enjoy it tonight. Have fun with it. Don't think of it as competing for once. Sing because you love it."

Choking up unexpectedly, Kendall blinked away sudden tears. "I'm going to. It has no bearing on the competition, so I'm just gonna go out there and be amazing."

Logan hugged him in and whispered, "You always are."

* * *

Kendall's mind was still on Logan's words after they'd parted. He watched from the side stage as Logan took his seat next to Katie, gaze catching on another familiar face in the audience. Lucy waggled her fingers at him with a knowing smile, and Kendall's lips widened because somehow she always made him feel like he was thinking about sex. He hadn't been, of course, but now that she'd given him that look it was floating to his mind. Partially to get back at her, he gestured to Jo at her side and gave a thumbs up, victorious when she blushed and shook her head adamantly as if to say, "Knock it off, don't ruin this for me!"

Kendall whipped out his phone and sent off a text to the number that had contacted him earlier.

 _I'm proud of you for not hiding from your parents anymore and being your true self. It's gonna be okay._

When her phone vibrated in her pocket, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Kendall but pulled it out to check the incoming message before sending one back.

 _I'm proud of you for losing this thing. No offense to you, but we both know he deserves this._

 _Yeah. Take good care of him for me once I'm gone, okay?_

 _I already said I would. Now stop texting me and get ready to blow us all away with the talent I know you've been hiding. You can be yourself tonight, too._

Logan's advice swam to the surface again.

 _Enjoy it tonight. Have fun with it. Don't think of it as competing for once. Sing because you love it._

Movement from the row behind Lucy caught his eye, Kendall realizing that someone was waving at him. It was no one he'd seen before, but the excitement on the young teen's face caused him to reciprocate so that she gasped and elbowed an older woman next to her. Kendall read her lips clearly.

"He waved at me!"

The woman searched where the girl pointed, her gaze finally falling on Kendall standing at the side of the stage, and her eyes widened before she blushed like a schoolgirl. Amused, Kendall waved at her as well. She smiled back and mouthed "Good luck!"

Good luck. There would be no good luck for Kendall tonight, and that was how he wanted it.

And yet...

A deep yearning filled him, the need to keep doing this and to follow this path and see where it might lead. More fans, bigger venues, the sheer joy of making people happy with nothing but his voice alone. Hockey had been fulfilling, but outside of the team's families and the coaches, how much happiness had his talent really instilled in others? How much happiness had it instilled in _him?_

 _I loved hockey. I loved_ winning _. This is about more. I finally understand what Logan meant, that it doesn't have to be about winning to make you happy. Sometimes just doing what you love is enough._

It hadn't been with hockey.

The enormity of what he'd given up slammed down over him just as hands slid around his waist from behind and a soft pair of lips pressed to the back of his neck. Peace settled again. This was why he did it. Nothing mattered except James' happiness.

"People can see us, you know," Kendall murmured, his eyes falling closed.

"Oh. I hadn't thought of that." James dragged Kendall back and away from the stage, then took his hand to lead him toward the huge television currently showing a commercial. "The host might ask us about that, you know. I mean, it was probably pretty obvious we were singing to each other last night."

"Yeah. Mom picked up on it."

James stiffened next to him, hand gripping Kendall's tighter. "She knows?"

"We talked about it this morning. She approves."

Hesitant hope bloomed in hazel eyes. "Really? She's okay with it?"

"She is," Kendall nodded, turning to face James. "She said there's no one who loves me more."

James smiled through his reply. "She's right. Even when we were kids, you were always my main concern. I worried about you a lot."

"I worried about you, too. Obviously. I'm gonna worry so much once I move back home."

"Kendall!" Gustavo's voice boomed to them as he entered the room with Kelly. "Five minutes to showtime! Be ready!"

Kendall ignored that as James spoke again. "We need to talk about that. What if you win? Are you gonna keep working with Gustavo or try to find another producer?"

"I'm not gonna win, James."

"Humor me. If you win, you stay out here and I go back home."

"For what? What's waiting for you there?"

"What's waiting for _you_ there?" James countered.

"I'll figure something out and come visit as often as I can. Are you gonna stay with Hawk?"

"No." Stepping closer to Kendall in case anyone might overhear, he said quietly, "I can't stand that guy. He threatened me, you know. Told me if I don't get the win for him, he'd make sure I never get anywhere in the industry."

"Are you fucking shitting me?" Outraged, Kendall started looking around the large room for the man. "I'll kill him."

"Babe. Stop, it's okay. Like I said, I wouldn't want to work with him anyway. What's Gustavo like?"

"Annoying. Rude sometimes. A total dick when he wants to be." Turning to glance over at the man and Kelly, who were deep in conversation, Kendall added, "But deep down he's a good guy. He got me this far, and he has a heart even though he doesn't want people to actually know that. Yeah, I'd stick with him if I had the choice."

James nodded. "Good enough for me. Think he'd take me on?"

"Definitely. He recognizes your talent and you could take him far as the winner of this thing."

"Did you find out when you have to leave?"

"Yeah," Kendall sighed. "Tomorrow afternoon."

"Unless you win," James reminded him.

"I'm not gonna win! Stop it!"

James studied him shrewdly. "I never thought it would happen, but you want to win. I can see it."

"No, I want _you_ to win."

"Yes, but you also don't want to lose."

"It's not about winning or losing."

"Something else I never thought would come to pass for Kendall Knight," James teased. He stepped closer to drop a kiss on Kendall's lips. "I know you made this happen for me. Thank you. I love you."

The struggle raging inside Kendall dropped away as he tightened his arms around his boyfriend; James was meant to follow this path. "I'd do anything for you."

"I know. I'd do the same."

They continued to stand wrapped up in each other until Kelly got his attention with apology in her eyes. "One minute."

Kendall nodded and stepped back. "We're getting looks, you know."

"Like I care?"

"What are you gonna say if the host asks about us?"

James shrugged. "I'm not ready to tell the world all my secrets just yet. I've barely had time to enjoy you myself. It's not that I'm ashamed of you, please don't think that. It's just—"

"I get it. It's nobody's business but ours."

"Yeah," James smiled. _"And_ all the fans freaking out on Scuttlebutter," he laughed. "Have you seen this?"

"Shit. No, I haven't been on Scuttlebutter since before last night's show. What are they saying? Bad things?"

"Eh, a few of them. Mostly it's 'Oh my god, they're so in love! Can they just get married already?' That sort of thing. Our true fans are happy for us, Kendall."

That brought a soft smile to Kendall's face. "Glad I won't be an impediment to your career."

"Not in this day and age. Where the hell is Hawk? He's usually hounding me to win this close to showtime."

"Probably knows it doesn't matter at this point; the votes have been cast."

James kissed him again. "May the best man win."

"Oh, you're definitely going to."

* * *

Most of the show was devoted to showing the journey for each of them from night one. They stood backstage watching videos that had been edited together, Kendall filled with shame when he remembered his feelings toward James in the beginning. All he'd cared about was winning and making James suffer. "I'm sorry," he couldn't keep from saying at one point, leaning in to press a kiss to James' temple. "I was so stupid."

"You were not, you were fantastic up there. Look at you begging for someone to love you. That song killed me because I wanted to be that person so bad."

"You are now," Kendall smiled. "But I meant before that. When I still hated you. I was an idiot."

"We all have our moments," James teased. "What are you singing tonight?"

"Some Bon Jovi song Gustavo picked. I was supposed to sing it last night but I convinced him to let me do my song instead. That wasn't an easy argument to win."

"I'm glad you did."

"Mmm," Kendall agreed. "You? What song are you doing?"

"An old one. Hawk fought me on it but with Lucy's help I got what I wanted. Even Rebecca sided with me, surprisingly. She's not so bad."

"Yeah, Kelly was the one who finally swayed Gustavo for me yesterday. Do you know anything about Gustavo and Hawk?"

"You mean like are they a thing?"

"Yeah. I've picked up on hints here and there."

"Rebecca told me a little. Did you know they both got their start on an old T.V. show from the 80's? It was like this one, where you compete against each other for the title. Obviously not exactly the same, but it was pretty popular back then. I found video of their performances one night and it's fascinating. They both sing pretty well. Or did back then."

"Wait, what?!" Kendall turned James to face him. "Gustavo sings?"

"He did as a kid. He did country, Hawk did R&B. A lot of Michael Jackson-type stuff. Hawk was the one who finally knocked Gustavo out of the running, because he'd been winning every time a new challenger came up. Until Hawk."

"I can't wrap my head around this. What did Gustavo sing?"

"Mostly songs about broken hearts and being in love. You know, typical country songs. He lasted longer than any other artist had, I think like four or five weeks? But Michael Jackson was hot back then, and people really liked the style."

Kendall was blown away. "Gustavo Rocque sang love songs. Holy crap. How old were they?"

"Young. But Rebecca said after that show, they met up a lot at singing competitions and camps over the years and became friends. Except that Hawk won every time."

"Wow. I can't even... _wow_. That's why he wanted to beat Hawk so bad. Now I feel bad for messing that up for him."

"I'm telling you, you might still win. You _are_ fantastic."

"Not as great as you," Kendall promised, and this time when he leaned in for a kiss it was their lips meeting so that Kelly had to break them up.

"Sorry, but Kendall's almost up. Don't mess up your make-up," she warned.

"It's fine," Kendall argued. "Hey, James just told me why Gustavo hates Hawk so much. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to win this for him. But James..."

"He gets it," Kelly promised. "And he's not even really mad about it anymore. He and Hawk talked things out and he knows now that winning isn't everything. Some things are more important. I'm glad you both learned that lesson. Now get yourself pumped to do a rock song."

Once she'd moved away, Kendall mused, "It's weird. The way I used to get myself pumped to perform was to get angry at you."

"Which is why I would purposely piss you off when I could," James agreed.

"But that doesn't work now."

"I know what will."

Without another word James dragged Kendall into the hallway and into his dressing room, which was closest. "Four minutes," he breathed before suffocating Kendall's mouth with his own and using his hand to wake up the part of Kendall always came alive around James.

By the time Kendall's name was announced, he was more worried about hiding his boner than how well he might perform. He couldn't argue with James' methods, though; he was more pumped than he'd ever been and blew the crowd away with his energy.

* * *

Though what he wanted most to do when coming off stage was to take James somewhere private and continue what they'd started, they were warned by Rebecca that commercials would only last two minutes so "don't disappear."

"Damn," Kendall muttered. "I wanted to return the favor and wake _you_ up."

"Performing is enough of a turn-on for me," James laughed. "And my song isn't high energy, anyway. So I'm good."

Kendall nodded. "You're amazing. How was I?"

"Well, in case you can't tell, I cried through most of that, so...yeah. You're incredible out there."

"Cried? Why?"

"Because it's what you should be doing for the rest of your life and I'm taking that from you."

"No. We're not going through this again. It was never mine to begin with."

"Still, Kendall. Watching you sing about how you just want to live your life while you can, and how...what was it? 'I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd, you're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud.' I want that for you. I want you to have everything."

"I have you. It's enough."

"Kendall, I—"

"Shh." Kendall shut him up with a kiss, finally pulling back to promise again, "It's enough."

James nodded. "Okay. But the most important thing I can say to you right now is what I'm about to sing. I chose this song for a reason and I mean every word. Okay?"

Kendall swallowed, a little breathless now with anticipation. "Promise me we'll spend tonight together."

"That's the one thing I do know right now."

A desperate kiss was all Kendall was capable of, Rebecca dragging him away this time. "James. Thirty seconds, get over there."

"I love you," James whispered, pulling a smile out of Kendall.

"Go sing for me."

The applause when James' name was announced was almost deafening, causing Kendall to grin hugely while filled with pride as James strutted out onto the stage with confidence and excitement. He could imagine himself watching this for the rest of his life. Maybe one day when James was famous enough, he could take Kendall along as an assistant of some kind.

What else was there for Kendall to do with his life?

Not allowing the sadness to kill his joy, Kendall winked at James when a glance was thrown his way before the music started. Surprisingly, the song wasn't really upbeat at all but instead made Kendall think of something from the forties. Thirties, even? His voice took on a lower register that Kendall had never heard and goosebumps chilled his skin. What the heck was James singing?

 _No tears, no fears_

 _Remember there's always tomorrow_

 _So what if we have to part_

 _We'll be together again_

Remembering then that James had said the song was chosen for him, Kendall melted while his bottom lip trembled. He wasn't on camera, right? He hoped not, because there was no way he'd make it through this song without tears.

 _Your kiss, your smile_

 _Are memories I'll treasure forever_

 _So try thinking with your heart_

 _We'll be together again_

It didn't matter that James was singing to a thousand (and more, when you considered the viewers at home) people; Kendall knew the words were meant for him.

 _Times when I know you'll be lonesome_

 _Times when I know you'll be sad_

 _Don't let temptation surround you_

 _Don't let the blues make you bad_

An eyebrow rose. Was James telling him to stay faithful? The mere thought of being with anyone else now was laughable. How had he ever thought anyone could compare to the way James made him feel?

 _Someday, some way_

 _We both have a lifetime before us_

 _For parting is not goodbye_

 _We'll be together again_

After that the song picked up into a whimsical jazz vibe with no words. James used the time to approach the edge of the stage, slapping hands with as many audience members as he could. Some even managed to snap a quick selfie. Kendall couldn't help but chuckle, thinking this was the future he had to look forward to. It was both scary and comforting.

He looked back over his shoulder to see Rebecca and Hawk watching nearby, and slinked over to stand next to Rebecca. "What's with the song?"

"We couldn't talk him out of it," she replied. "He kept reminding us that voting was over and it wouldn't affect his chances of winning, but it isn't really the kind of song you win a contest with."

"I don't know," Kendall disagreed. "The crowd's eating it up. Where did he find it?"

"He did a search for certain lyrics and this one came up. When he said he wanted to do a Frank Sinatra song we immediately said no, but..." With a smile for Kendall, she shrugged. "I guess love makes you stubborn."

Frank Sinatra. Yeah, that was exactly what the song sounded like, though of course James' voice was nowhere near the legend's. He'd given it his own flair. "Thanks," Kendall said with feeling. "I needed to hear this."

"That's what he said."

James began to sing again, a repeat of half the lyrics, and Kendall was mesmerized for the remainder of the number. At one point James turned to his right and met Kendall's gaze to sing, "We both have a lifetime before us, for parting is not goodbye." Kendall nodded with tears swimming in his eyes; James also needed to hear that he understood and would stay true.

Kendall looked out into the audience just before the song ended. His mother was enthralled, tears streaming down her cheeks and her hand to her chest. Jo was watching James in an impressed sort of awe. Even Katie couldn't look away from James, filled with pride.

Lucy, however, wasn't watching James in that moment. She was staring back at Kendall with a soft smile and when Kendall mouthed a "thank you" her way, she nodded. James would be in good hands.

After taking a bow and thanking the audience and viewers at home who had voted for him and made it such an incredible experience, James ran off the stage and into Kendall's waiting arms. He was sweating and shaking from so much adrenaline, but managed a fierce, "I love you so much. Wait for me. Don't go falling in love with anybody else before we can be together, okay?"

"There is no one else," Kendall promised. He proved it with a deep kiss that even Kelly hesitated to interrupt.

Once they parted, she started with, "James, that was beautiful."

"Thanks. Listen, at some point tomorrow can we talk? I need to meet with both you and Gustavo about my future."

"Um...I'll see what I can do." She was obviously confused as to why James would need to speak to them, but there was no time to puzzle it out. "Kendall, come with me. After commercial break they're going to talk to each of you, then it's the final announcement. Gustavo has some things to go over with you before the interview."

"Okay." Kendall lifted his lips for a brief kiss before allowing Kelly to lead him away. "Love you!" he called back. "You were fantastic!"

"Did you like the song?" James smirked.

Kendall answered with a wink back over his shoulder before turning to follow Kelly to his dressing room. They didn't always need words to communicate; James would read his meaning loud and clear.

* * *

A/N—The song Kendall performed in this is Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." James performed "We'll Be Together Again" by Frank Sinatra.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I can't believe we're finally here. It's taken 31 chapters, but FINALLY the winner will be revealed. I love that you all have theories about who it will be (or not be, in one case) and I hope you're happy with the outcome I've chosen. I'll say it again, that I can't thank you enough if you stuck with me this far. It means SO MUCH to me.

I'll shut up now and let you get on with it. Let me know what you think!

* * *

Gustavo was pacing in Kendall's dressing room, more nervous than Kendall had seen him yet. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I know how badly you wanted to win this."

Gustavo's motion stopped as he turned to Kendall. "You think I'm nervous for _me?_ I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm more nervous on George's behalf. He's always been the better performer and he deserves to win this."

Kendall's heart melted a little, and before Gustavo could stop him he was wrapping the man up in a tight hug. "I'm proud of you. You found your heart."

"Stop, stop with the hugging, you know I don't do that."

Kendall drew it out a little longer before freeing Gustavo. "It feels good, doesn't it? To do good things and be a nice person?"

"I don't think I'll ever be what's considered a 'nice person,'" Gustavo answered honestly. "But...for people you care about...yes. It feels good. Now let's talk about your final interview."

"Why?" Kendall frowned. "Is there something scary I need to be worried about?"

"No, it's just..." At a loss as to how to explain it, Gustavo gestured to his assistant. "Kelly?"

After nodding, Kelly led Kendall over to the sofa and sat down next to him. "So this is the end. This is where you look out at the crowd and talk about how the journey has been and it kind of...all hits you. How far you've come and everything you've experienced and, in your case, the fact that it's over."

With a hard swallow, Kendall nodded over the lump suddenly forming in his throat.

"Our fear is that you'll get emotional and break down. We both know you'd look back and hate yourself for that, so we wanted you to be prepared."

"Nobody wants to cry on public television," Gustavo agreed.

"It's worse for you because you're having to leave James," Kelly reminded him. "So in the three minutes before we have to get you on that stage, we thought you might want to figure out what to say and prepare yourself mentally. Rather than getting out there and having it all hit you at once."

Kendall cleared his throat because yes, the emotions were rising now that he actually thought about the journey to get here. From hating James in the beginning to making the best friend he'd ever had past the age of eight, then experiencing physical contact for the first time and discovering his sexuality, and finally of course, to understanding his feelings for James weren't at all what he'd thought they were. In addition to all of that, there was music. He'd come to love music and singing in a way he'd never known was possible. All of it was going away now.

All of it.

It hit him in a way it hadn't before, leaving him feeling like someone had punched him in the gut. "I still have James," he whispered, more as reassurance to himself than for their benefit. "I'll always have James."

"You will," Kelly nodded, attempting a smile for Kendall. "That boy is crazy about you. Just keep that in mind when you're up on that stage, okay? You're losing everything else, but you'll still have him right by your side. Figuratively speaking," she amended.

"I know. He's made that clear."

"Okay." Gustavo clapped his hands together and used his head to gesture toward the door. "Kelly and I will see you out there in two minutes."

Kendall used the time alone to think about James and about how beautiful he was in front of an audience. He pulled out his phone and called up a video sharing site to watch his favorite of James' performances, the one where he'd let it all go and just sang from the heart. What was it the chorus said?

As if on cue, James sang it now as Kendall watched.

 _Take your passion and make it happen_

 _I can have it all, now I'm dancing through my life_

 _What a feeling_

"What a feeling indeed," Kendall smiled, then shut down the video and pocketed his phone. James was all that mattered.

* * *

James was waiting at the side of the stage for him. "You okay?"

"I'm great," Kendall answered truthfully. "Excited to see you win."

"I keep telling you, we don't know that—"

"We do," Kendall argued. "And it's fine. It's wonderful. It's the way things are supposed to be. The way they would've been if I'd never interfered."

"True," James said slowly, "but if you hadn't, we wouldn't be together now. So...thanks for being a dick."

"Glad I could accommodate you," Kendall laughed before dropping a kiss on James' lips.

"You know half the audience can see us right now, right?"

"Ask me if I care."

"That's the Kendall I know and love," James grinned. "Remind me later to show you the many websites that have decided we're in love and await confirmation."

Kendall laughed again, almost giddy with happiness. And who would've thought he would be as he stood on the verge of losing everything he'd fought so hard for?

Rebecca's voice sounded behind them. "We're going live, boys. Let's do this."

It was Kendall who was called out first. The host greeted him with a huge smile and shook his hand, Kendall waving at the audience members who were cheering for him. It was like hockey had been, and yet at the same time so different because it wasn't about winning anymore. It was about finding what made him whole.

"Kendall, you came into this competition and started out strong, taking the win the first two weeks and then falling short over the next two. We see that happen a lot, believe it or not. What do you think changed in that time?"

"I think it was a lot of things," Kendall replied. "My priorities shifted and it became more about feeling the music and singing from the heart than just coming out here and winning. I insisted on making more decisions myself instead of doing what Gustavo wanted me to do, and had I stuck with his direction, I probably would've won every week. He's an amazing coach and producer."

Kendall managed a glance to the side stage and saw Gustavo's mouth hanging open while Kelly grinned next to him.

"Well, that takes me to my next question, which is one I ask every contestant on this show. What did you learn about yourself from this process?"

A short laugh escaped before Kendall asked, "How much time you got?" He waited for the host and audience to react and then continued. "So much. I learned so much not only from this show but from the move to California, the change of pace. Hockey was my world for pretty much my whole life and when I was injured, I was forced to open my eyes to what else is out there for me. I learned how to...well, to be honest, I learned to open my heart and trust it more. I learned just how much I enjoy singing and the effect I can have on others through music. This world was so foreign to me that it baffled me that strangers actually cared about my future and believed in me."

"You have gained many fans," the host nodded. "What would you like to say to them now?"

Kendall's gaze roamed over the audience. At the sight of so many attentive and friendly faces, his emotions returned and his voice was thick with them when he answered. "Thank you." Without warning the tears came, just as Kelly and Gustavo had predicted. For once, Kendall didn't care. "I know I'm not very good with social media and I haven't talked to as many fans as I should have, but please know how much it means to me that you took the time to learn about me and vote for me and just...to believe in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. This experience will forever be one I look back on as the true beginning of my life, and I'm grateful you all were here to share it with me."

A hand was placed on his shoulder. "We wish you luck tonight, Kendall. Thank _you_ for keeping us entertained over the past five weeks."

The applause was suddenly too much, Kendall blindly making his way to the side stage and to what he needed most. He was only in James' arms for five seconds, though, before his refuge was ripped away.

"I'm sorry," Kelly was saying. "He has to get out there."

Kendall heard James' name being announced and wiped at his eyes, struggling to get a hold on his emotions, but then Logan was there and hugging him tight while he cried. He let it go, being allowed ten seconds to just sob before Logan was shushing him and urging, "James is talking, listen to what he has to say."

"—wasn't sure what to expect, to tell you the truth. I actually knew Kendall before all of this, we faced each other on the ice every year and I knew what a fierce competitor he was. I knew I had to give my all because he would be determined to win at all costs."

"You knew Kendall?" the host asked in surprise. "How did you two never mention that?"

James shrugged. "It never came up. I've always admired his ability to fight to the end and I knew he'd be hard to beat."

"We saw that from the start of this contest, he came out with guns blazing. But then things shifted in your favor. How did your own approach to the contest change as time went on?"

"I don't know that it really did. I mean, I chose my own songs from the beginning and even performed ones that I wrote. It was always my goal to communicate my feelings through music, and I think I did that well."

"You did. Most of your songs brought the audience to tears. Was the choice to focus on love songs your decision, or did Hawk encourage that?"

"It was both," James replied. "He knows that the best way to reach people is through emotion. And I had a lot to say."

"And what was it _you_ learned from this experience?"

James took a breath before answering. "I learned that this is what I want to do with my life. I've always known it, but never done anything on such a grand scale as this. This confirmed for me that I'm on the right path and exactly where I'm meant to be. I also learned to never give up on people, that even when things seem at their worst and like your dreams can never come true, life can surprise you. _People_ can surprise you."

Logan squeezed Kendall's shoulder at the words, Kendall smiling softly.

"And what words do you have for your fans tonight?"

"Like Kendall, I want to say thank you. I know that everyone who voted for me only watched because they love the show, but I hope that if I win, I can take those fans with me on my continuing journey. I can also promise that even if I lose tonight, I'm not giving up on my career. Music was my second love in life, and it's something I'll take with me always."

"Your second?" the host echoed. "Can I ask what the first was?"

James tossed a smirk to his right, Kendall meeting it with one of his own. The meaning was clear. "Maybe one day I'll talk about it," James smiled. "For now, I just want to win this thing."

"We wish you the best of luck, James." Turning to the crowd, the host continued, "Coming up right after the break, it's the moment you've all waited five weeks for! The votes are in and the winner will be crowned tonight. Don't go anywhere!"

James met Kendall's waiting lips with a warm kiss. "You do realize you pretty much just outed us on national television," Kendall commented.

"Ask me if I care," was James' answer, earning him a deeper kiss that went on until Logan interrupted.

"I'm gonna go back to my seat."

"Wait, I'm coming." Kendall rushed after him. "Thank you. Again. I needed you."

"I knew you did. They weren't happy when I ran off but they managed to get someone in my seat, so...you okay?"

"I am. Actually...can you...not?"

"Not what?" Logan halted before turning a corner toward the audience.

"Not go. I know he's gonna win and they're gonna take him away and...I don't want to be alone."

"Oh." Logan offered him a sympathetic smile. "Sure. I can stay with you."

"Thanks."

"And if you win?"

"Logan, I'm not going to win."

"I'm just saying. I know it isn't what you want, but I'm still holding out hope. I don't want to lose you!"

"I know. I don't want to go. But we know it has to be this way."

Logan sighed. "Life sucks sometimes."

Kendall nodded as they walked back toward the stage. "And other times? It throws Carlos and James our way. So I can't complain."

"Good point," Logan laughed.

* * *

This time under the spotlight, James' hand was tight in his. Remembering the way James had panicked and reached out for his hand the first night, Kendall smiled now and turned his face to James. "You know you got this, right?"

"No, I don't know that. But I'm okay with either outcome, so..."

"I'm not." He squeezed James' hand. "I love you."

James' smile was blinding when their eyes met. "I love you, too."

Before they knew it, the show was live and all of America (as well as those streaming around the world) was awaiting their fate along with them. Eventually the room went silent other than the sound of the drumroll that seemed to get louder and louder. Kendall caught a glimpse of his mother and sister, one with her eyes closed and hands in a praying gesture while the other gave him a thumbs up. Kendall closed his own eyes then and held his breath, ready to face his future.

"And your next National Popstar is..."

The dramatic pause would be the death of Kendall, he was sure of it.

"James Diamond!"

All Kendall could hear was screaming and cheers from the audience, then it was James' whispered, "Oh my god" before he flung himself into Kendall's arms, body quaking as tears fell. Kendall held him up and kept him close. "Congratulations, babe. I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you for giving this to me," James gushed. "Without you, I—"

"Would've won anyway. This is your path to walk."

Kendall knew the host was waiting to speak to James and get a reaction, but he didn't let go until he felt that James could stand on his own. "I'll be right over there, okay?"

James nodded and got himself together enough to speak. Kendall was about to leave them when Kelly and Gustavo shook their heads and gestured for him to stay.

"Kendall, I'm so sorry," the host was saying, reaching out to grab his arm. "You put up a fantastic fight."

"It wasn't meant to be. I'm...actually okay with it. James...you deserve this."

James smiled at him through tears that were silently streaming down his cheeks. "You did, too."

"It's not my time. Congratulations." Fearing that a hug would set James off again, Kendall held out his hand for a shake. James took it and squeezed hard before allowing Kendall to leave the stage.

Once out of view, he let out a long breath. It was over. Just like that, it was over.

He could hear James talking about how excited he was to take the next step in his career and that it was thanks to his fans he'd made it this far. Kendall spared one glance back to see his boyfriend ecstatic now that it had set in he'd won, then he turned away to see Logan waiting and suddenly felt weak.

"I got you," Logan promised, dragging him toward the hallway but turning left instead of right.

"I should wait for—"

"They'll be in touch. Right now you need to get out of here."

Because he was hardly capable of speech due to the intensity of emotion coming to a head inside him, Kendall didn't argue. Logan got him out through a parking lot and into the passenger seat of his car. "Give me your phone."

Kendall obeyed. He watched through a blur of tears as Logan punched at his phone for a minute.

"I texted James for you, told him you'd meet him at the Palm Woods."

"I shouldn't leave him, he'll be overwhelmed right now."

"Kelly said he'd have a lot of press to do before they let him go tonight. He'll call you when he gets back, okay?"

Kendall nodded, too weak to do much else, and as Logan pulled out of the parking spot, Kendall fell apart.

* * *

Carlos was waiting in his apartment with open arms. Kendall hadn't stopped crying the entire way home and was grateful to Logan for taking him up the back way. Somehow the sight of Carlos only made things worse, as he was another reminder of everything Kendall had to say goodbye to, but Kendall gladly took the hug coming his way.

"I'm sorry," was what Carlos said as they held each other, Logan standing nearby in case he was needed. "I know you wanted this, but...I also know you didn't."

"I didn't think it would be this hard," Kendall sniffed. "I just kept thinking about James and how much I love him and how much he deserves this and I wouldn't let myself think about how much _I_ wanted it."

"I'm sorry," Carlos said again. "Babe, can you...?"

"On it."

Logan disappeared, then Carlos led Kendall over to the sofa and didn't let go as they settled onto it.

"I'm a horrible person," Kendall whined. "I can't even face my own boyfriend right now, at a time when I should be so happy for him. And I am, I just..."

"I know," Carlos nodded. "Let it go, let yourself be sad here and get all that out of your system so that when you see him again, you _can_ be happy for him."

"I don't want to go."

"I know."

"I want to stay here, I have no life there, everything I love is out here and what kind of life am I supposed to have away from all this?"

"You'll figure it out." Carlos lifted Kendall's head and used a thumb to wipe away tears. "Something amazing is waiting for you. Didn't we tell you that about finding love? Didn't we say there was someone out there? Weren't we right?"

"Yeah, but I'm leaving him."

"Only temporarily. Maybe you can start applying to jobs out here and find something that—"

"And where will I live, Carlos? I can't stay here unless I'm actively working in the industry and somewhat famous."

"You've got the famous part already. See what else you can—"

"No," Kendall argued with heat. "There's nothing else I can do. I sing, but not well enough to teach someone else to."

"Maybe Gustavo needs an assistant?"

Logan heard that as he returned from the kitchen with a mug of what smelled like coffee. "Ooo, that's not a bad idea. Why not ask Gustavo for a job?"

"He's got Kelly," Kendall reminded them. He reached for the steaming drink with a thank you before adding, "And look at how he treated me as a star. Imagine how much worse it would be if I was just a gofer of some sort."

"You'd get to spend time with James," Logan pointed out. "Lucy told me he wants to work with Gustavo instead of Hawk. I'm sure he and Kelly could find something for you to do out here."

"That doesn't solve the problem of where I'll live, though. I know James would let me stay with him, but whoever pays for his apartment isn't going to approve that."

Logan sighed and sat down on Kendall's other side. "I don't want you to go."

That earned Logan a sad smile as Kendall leaned to the right and kissed him on the cheek. "That's because you're the best."

"Hey, I'm right here."

They both laughed at Carlos' comment, Kendall leaning the other way to do the same to him. "Yes, yes, I love you, too. I just..." After taking a deep, fortifying breath and sipping at the coffee, Kendall felt stronger. "Okay. I'm better. I'm able to be happy for James again and can celebrate with him instead of crying."

"He'll understand, you know," Logan stated. "I'm sure he's already expecting it, since he knows you so well. You're allowed to be sad that you're leaving."

"Not so much that it affects his winning."

Logan asked, "You're spending the night with him, right?"

"Yeah. It's our last chance to just...you know. Be together. And I refuse to spend it crying."

"We've got condoms if you need them," Carlos offered. "Lube, too. All the supplies you need, just—" At the exasperated look on Logan's face, he said, "What? I'm just trying to help. You know they're gonna fuck."

When Logan only shook his head, Kendall managed a smile and set the mug on the table near his knee. "Thanks, Carlos, I know you're looking out for me. I'm really not in the mood for sex, though. I think we'll probably just end up talking all night."

This time Logan let out an amused sound. "Take the condoms, Kendall. He might already have all that, but just in case. We both know that within ten minutes of being alone, you'll want him."

"Logan, I'm really not in the mood to—"

Kendall's words were cut off by an intense kiss from Logan, who quickly had Kendall's mouth open and his tongue coming out to play while a desperate moan escaped. The kiss didn't last more than five seconds, but when Logan pulled back Kendall was a mass of need.

"I've made my point," Logan smirked.

"Okay, you can't do that anymore," Kendall managed, trying to calm down. "I'm taken now. I promised James that wouldn't happen anymore."

"And it won't," Logan nodded. "I was just making a point. Take the condoms."

"Fuck," Kendall muttered. "Why am I so obsessed with sex? I never was until I moved here."

Carlos replied, "Because now you're letting yourself think about it. Now you can actually get it. Let yourself experience it all tonight, Kendall. You don't know when you'll have another chance for that."

"I'm not just going to fuck him because I'm leaving. We might just take things slow."

"Did you blow him last night?" Logan wanted to know.

Kendall's mouth dropped open. "That's...I mean..."

"Oh, _now_ you're getting shy? All the talks we've had, everything I've shared with you—sorry, Carlos, I needed someone to talk to—but now you're getting shy with me?"

Realizing Logan was right and that he was dying to talk about it, Kendall let out a sigh. "Yes, I blew him. And he did the same to me. I liked it."

"Giving or receiving?" Carlos wondered.

"Both. I think the next step was on both our minds but it was so soon, you know? We just kissed for the first time last night, we shouldn't rush this."

"I don't know," Logan shrugged. "Technically it's been ten years in the making. I'm not saying you need to have sex. I'm only pointing out that if you do, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Or even about wanting it. It sounds like he's been thinking about it for years, so it might be something he wants tonight. I just want you to be prepared, is all."

"Sounding like my mom again," Kendall laughed, then sobered as he looked at Logan before turning to stare at Carlos. "Is it really that amazing?"

Carlos only nodded, heat coming into his eyes. "Trust me, dude. Take the chance while you have it."

"Stop, Carlos." Logan's voice was hushed behind Kendall. "You're getting me hot."

Logan wasn't the only one getting hot. Kendall stood up and said, "That's my cue to leave. I love you both, but you need time alone and I need James. How long do you think I'll have to wait?"

"Probably an hour at least. I'm sure he'll be dying to get home to you, though." Logan rose from the sofa before leaning down to kiss Carlos. "I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get him a key for James' apartment."

"Seriously?" Kendall asked. "Isn't that against the rules?"

"It's for one night, and James isn't going to mind. Go wait for him, I'm sure he won't want to be anywhere else once he's free from everyone."

Kendall liked that idea.

Carlos' voice halted them near the front door. "Hang on." He trotted out of the room and returned a minute later with a handful of things that were pressed into Kendall's hand. "Here you go. Keep whatever you don't use."

Realizing they were supplies he might need later with James, Kendall asked, "But don't you guys need this?"

"We've got plenty," Logan smirked. "I'll be back," he said to Carlos.

"I'll be ready."

Logan hissed when Carlos ran a flat palm down his pants, waking Logan up again. "Evil."

"Hurry back."

They'd made it to the elevator before Logan's head cleared enough to be of any use. "I'm sorry, I just realized you didn't get to say goodbye to Carlos. Will you see him tomorrow before you leave?"

"I'll make sure. And I'll do the same with you." Once the doors were closed behind them, Kendall hugged Logan to his chest. "Really gonna miss you."

"Would it be inappropriate for me to say that I'm going to miss kissing you?"

"Yeah," Kendall nodded. "It would. Do you love Carlos? Would you give him up for me?"

"Not a chance. No offense, buddy."

"I wouldn't risk losing James, either. So because of that, I'm okay with admitting that I'll miss kissing you, too."

The doors opened, causing Kendall to quickly step away.

"Is that something we should worry about?" Logan asked. "I mean...is it wrong that we still enjoy that when we're in love with other people?"

Kendall shrugged as they headed for the front desk, grateful only a few people had gathered in the lobby so far in preparation of watching the final episode. "Maybe. Or maybe love is way more complicated than I ever imagined."

"Probably." Logan chuckled as he stepped behind the computer and reached for a blank key card. "Or maybe we're just young and horny."

Kendall laughed out loud at the comment. He was really going to miss Logan.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Well, here we are. The last chapter of the main story. There will be an epilogue to follow, but this wraps up the story of James and Kendall. I hope you like the direction I went in and thank you all SO MUCH for reading!

* * *

After clearing it with his mother that he would be out all night (she only protested once before caving because she knew how hard it was for him to say goodbye), Kendall used the key card on James' apartment. He hoped James wouldn't mind that Logan gave him the key. Perhaps they should've asked first.

One look around James' bedroom killed that doubt. It had been dark the night before, Kendall unable to see his surroundings properly as he and James explored each other. This time he took in the three framed photos sitting atop the dresser, along with one propped on his nightstand.

The first frame contained a shot of James and Lucy at a nearby burger restaurant Kendall had been told he needed to try. It was a selfie, both of them smiling, and Kendall felt a flash of jealousy before reminding himself that they were friends and nothing more.

 _It's just like if you had a picture of yourself and Logan. It means nothing, Kendall._

Feeling a tad better, Kendall moved on to the next one. His breath caught as the memory returned to him—his own seventh birthday. Kendall recalled how his mother had wanted to invite the entire class, but out of respect for James (who preferred it to always be just the two of them since other kids tended to be mean) he'd insisted on a simple dinner instead of a party. Kendall had been terrified his father would ruin it, as he always did, but that night Dad had actually been tame. Mom had prepared Kendall's favorite dish and even baked a cake, which Kendall later discovered James had helped decorate. She'd also captured James and Kendall in a moment of laughter over...what had it been? Oh yes, two-year-old Katie throwing cake across the room; Katie had been a world-class food tosser in those days. In the photo, James was leaning back against Kendall as they cracked up, Kendall's arm resting easily over James' shoulder. Their chairs had been pushed close together because...

 _He always liked to be near me. Hated being alone. Jesus, Kendall, how did you forget all of this?_

A lump in his throat, Kendall moved on to the third frame. It had been taken less than a year later, and the original photo contained the entire hockey team. James had cropped everyone else out so that he and Kendall stood with arms around each others' shoulders—Kendall the captain, James the co-captain and happy to be that. Their uniform colors had faded a bit over time, but their grins were still as bright as ever. Neither knew then that in a matter of months, their friendship would sever.

 _Ah, James. I'm so sorry._

With a heavy sigh, Kendall lowered himself to the bed and picked up the final picture. James wasn't in this one; he'd printed out Kendall's headshot that had been used for the show and written something on it, the letters stretching across Kendall's chest.

 _This is why you're doing it. He deserves happiness. Never forget._

Kendall's eyes watered as he stared down at himself. All of the guilt washed over him again, the self-loathing for the fact that he'd purposely set out to hurt the one person who loved him above all else. That he'd _forgotten_ how much that one person needed him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered now. "James, I'm so sorry."

Kendall let the frame fall to the bed, quickly stumbling to the bathroom and washing his face while trying to control the tears. Sadness for his own situation evaporated; James had been wrong, he didn't deserve this.

 _You deserve this. You're the one who deserves happiness. Every day I'll remind myself of how much you suffered and how lucky I am just to be loved by you._

After wiping his face on a towel, Kendall slid out his phone and opened a text message to James.

" _I love you. Never forget."_

His phone buzzed almost immediately. _"Where are you?"_

" _In your apartment. I hope that's okay."_

" _Don't go anywhere. I'll be home soon. I love you, too."_

The words made Kendall smile as warm fuzzies filled his chest. Well, this was it. He'd officially become that lovesick guy who made others want to puke.

And it was fantastic.

Would James like flowers? Logan certainly had. Maybe there was a grocery store open somewhere that Kendall could run out to and pick up a bouquet. James had always loved chocolate, too. Where could he find one of those sappy heart-shaped boxes of candy that always made him roll his eyes? Suddenly all Kendall wanted was to make up for the years of missed opportunities he'd had to shower James with romance.

Then again, how did Kendall know if James was still into that sort of thing? They'd both made puking sounds during kissing scenes when watching movies, but Kendall had also noticed a few times when James had "something in his eye" after a happy ending. He'd suspected then that James was a romantic fool and found it ridiculous. It didn't seem so ridiculous now.

 _Every single one was about you!_

Lucy's words floated into Kendall's mind. Every song James had performed had been for Kendall. Thinking back now, Kendall remembered a lot of heartbreak. There had been tears. He'd barely been paying attention in the beginning, still viewing James as nothing more than an enemy to be defeated.

Now Kendall sat down on James' living room sofa, using his phone to bring up video. He searched for James' early songs, not even able to recall what he'd done the first week. Something Michael Jackson, wasn't it?

The song came to life on his screen, James looking ludicrous but sounding like an angel. Yes, the first song had been Michael Jackson; it was the one they'd heard at the rink so many years ago.

 _All alone I sit home by the phone waiting for you baby_

 _Through the years how can you stand to hear my pleading for you dear?_

 _You know I'm crying_

Kendall hadn't known, though. He'd purposely not seen what was right in front of his face.

 _You, you, you stay away so long, girl, I see you never_

 _What can I do, girl, to get through to you_

 _Cause I love you baby_

He forced himself to sit through the entire performance, eyes open now. How had he been so blind?

Moving on to the next song, Kendall remembered Kelly saying it was Lionel Richie. As each word fell from James' lips, though, Kendall knew it was James' heart talking.

 _I've been alone with you inside my mind_

 _And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times_

 _I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile_

 _You're all I've ever wanted and my arms are open wide_

 _Cause you know just what to say_

 _And you know just what to do_

 _And I want to tell you so much_

 _I love you_

" _Mommy says you should make sure people know when you love them, that it's the most important thing of all."_

He heard the words as if six-year-old James was sitting right next to him again. James had tried to tell him from the start of this competition, because in James' world, nothing was more important than telling someone they were loved.

Had he spoken the words to anyone else over the years? He'd mentioned trying to move on and exploring new people. What had James lived through? How many nights had he cried himself to sleep thinking of how much Kendall hated him? How had he gotten through those singing contests without Kendall to encourage and boost up his confidence?

 _Because you taught him how. You gave him the tools and he took those tools and ran with them. Look at him now, so beautiful._

Kendall couldn't get back those years he'd missed, though. He wished he could somehow go back in time and watch James live through all of it, see him slowly start to come out of the shell and radiate that confidence. There was so much he would never know.

Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe he could still be there for James in a better-late-than-never kind of way that didn't feel like enough, but was all he had.

As he stared at James singing his heart out on a tiny screen, Kendall knew what he wanted out of tonight.

* * *

When he heard the front door open, Kendall smiled and peeked out of the kitchen. "Hey, beautiful."

James grinned as he shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it onto a chair. "Wow, I love the sound of that. This is nice, coming home to you."

"Yeah? It gets even better. Don't move."

James dutifully waited, his heart flipping over when Kendall eventually approached holding a mug topped with whipped cream. "Congratulations," Kendall whispered as he passed over the hot chocolate, pecking a kiss to James' lips before stepping back.

"I can't believe you remember how much I love this. That day at the studio when you brought it to me, I wasn't sure. I was trying so hard to pretend that I hated you and I wanted to believe you remembered that on your own but—"

"I did. This time I even dumped a handful of chocolate chips in like we used to when Mom wasn't watching."

"Oh my god, you remember that, too?" James laughed, eyes shining with what Kendall knew to be happy tears.

"I remember everything. It just...took me a long time to get there. Way too long. I'm sorry I blocked it all out."

"I know you are."

"I'm sorry I missed out on so many years. I wasn't there for you when you suffered. I wasn't there to see you become the strong, beautiful man you are now."

"Kendall, it's okay, you—"

"No." Kendall shook his head. "It's not okay." He braced himself before launching into what he hoped would be a well-received speech. "I came into this apartment intending to bed you."

James interrupted with a raised brow. "Bed me? I think I like the sound of that, too."

"Well, yes, we'll get there eventually," Kendall chuckled. "I know we don't have a lot of time and I feel like we should be trying to get everything we can out of tonight but...what I really want more than anything else is my friend. I know that sounds crazy."

"Explain," James urged, then sipped at the drink and hummed in appreciation.

"I missed out on so much. I don't really know anything about your life from the time I moved away. I'd like to. So if it's okay with you, what I really want tonight is just to do what we always did. Lay in bed together and talk. Tell me everything I missed over the past ten years."

"Will you do the same for me?"

"Honestly, with me what you see is what you get. I'm not all that complex."

James smirked, already knowing that. "It's one of the things I love about you. You're so transparent. I always know what you're thinking."

"That's because you've studied me so well."

"Partly," James admitted. "It's also because you're honest and straightforward to a fault. You refuse to be anyone but your true self."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"It's the best thing." James closed the distance and kissed Kendall deeply, being careful not to spill any of his cocoa. "There is nothing that sounds better to me than lying in bed with you, wrapped up in your arms while we share our lives."

A slow grin lit up Kendall's face. "There's that romance I knew was still in there. I demand a few kisses here and there."

"Mmm, wait til you see what I have planned for the grand finale."

Kendall's mouth dried up at the insinuation. "As much as I can't wait to experience that, right now I just want my friend back."

"Kendall, he never left. All you had to do was reach out."

"I'm reaching out now. Come cuddle with me and tell me every single thing about you that I missed."

"You already know the most important thing about me."

"I do," Kendall nodded. With a warm smile, he pressed their foreheads together and said softly, "I love you, too."

* * *

A gentle shake to his shoulder forced Kendall's eyes open. He smiled when he saw the face of an angel staring down at him. When he remembered the way that angel's body had opened to him the night before, the smile became a wide grin. "Morning, beautiful."

"I know you're thinking about sex."

"Not so much thinking as remembering. Are you sure I didn't hurt you?"

"I told you, the pain didn't last. You have nothing to apologize for, I wanted it." From his perch on the edge of the mattress, James leaned down for a soft kiss. "And I'll want it again as soon as we can manage it."

"Now sounds pretty damn good to me."

James laughed, then squeezed Kendall's shoulder. "I wish. But I'm heading out to meet up with Gustavo about working with him. I'm nervous. Any pointers?"

"Oh. Yeah, hang on." Kendall sat up fast, rubbing his face. "Let me get dressed and I'll go with you."

"You don't have time, you said you still need to pack before your flight."

"I've got plenty of time, it's only..." Kendall checked the clock on the bedside table and cursed. "It's after ten? Fuck! We have to leave for our flight in a few hours! I didn't mean to sleep that long!"

"I'm sorry, I would've woken you sooner but...the truth is I wasn't ready to let you go. I knew this would be goodbye, and..."

Kendall's heart cracked. "I'm going with you. Mom can just—"

"No, Kendall, go pack. And make the rounds, say goodbye to everyone."

"I don't want you facing Gustavo alone! He might be a dick and—"

"I'm taking Lucy. We'll be fine." James smiled. "Should I pass on any messages?"

"Dammit. No, just...I guess just tell them both thank you for me. And don't let him bully you! James, are you sure? I want to be there, I know how to talk to him."

"I promise, babe, it'll be fine. You have too much to do here."

Knowing James was right, Kendall caved with a deep sigh. "Just promise me you'll be back before I leave. I'm not leaving without kissing you goodbye."

"I swear." Without warning, James moved so that he could straddle Kendall's hips, giving him a kiss that promised everything he would deliver when they could arrange it. Kendall groaned and rolled his hips up, the friction of James' jeans on bare skin making him crazy. "I love you," James managed breathlessly. "We'll be together again."

"Just hurry back here. I won't leave until I see you."

"Deal."

* * *

"Is that the last bag?" Jennifer asked, referring to the gym bag hanging from Kendall's shoulder.

"Yeah."

The one word held so much frustration that she offered her son a sympathetic look. "I'm sure he's on his way."

"Why isn't he answering his phone? Where is he? There's no way it takes that long to get a yes or no out of Gustavo."

"He is a difficult man," Jennifer reminded him. "We've still got about fifteen minutes before the car's supposed to be here. Let's get all of our luggage downstairs now so we're ready. Katie!" she suddenly yelled. "Stop hiding in the bathroom!"

"I refuse to leave!" came the reply that was muffled through the closed door.

"Lord, give me strength." To Kendall, she said, "Honey, go on downstairs. I'll get your sister and meet you there. Take as many suitcases as you can handle." She pushed up her sleeves and braced herself for battle, stomping toward the bathroom.

Curbing the desire to throw a tantrum like Katie was, Kendall sighed and reached for one of his mother's suitcases. A knock on the apartment door had him dropping everything to run over and open it, the ecstatic smile on his face dying when he spied his best friend on the other side. "Oh. Hi."

"Wow. You haven't even left yet and the excitement over me has already died."

"No, Logan, it's not that. I'm sorry. Please, come in." Kendall stepped back, ashamed. "I just thought you were James. He's not here yet."

"He's not? Didn't I see him leave with Lucy leave hours ago?"

"Yeah," Kendall answered. "He's not even answering his phone. I tried calling Gustavo and Kelly, but they aren't either. I'm starting to worry."

"I'm sure they're fine," Logan assured him, reaching out to squeeze his arm. "Did you try Lucy?"

"Yep. Nothing. Why are they all ignoring me?"

"Kendall, I'm sure that's not it."

"Then that means something happened. Have you checked the news? Is there anything about a fire or something at Rocque Records?"

"Kendall," Logan said again, this time more firmly. "They're fine. Probably just got delayed or something. Maybe they already started working on new music, or he has a bunch of paperwork to sign."

"He knows what time I'm leaving. He promised he'd be here."

Hearing that Kendall was close to tears, Logan hugged him in with one arm. "He loves you. You know that."

"I know, I just..." Fighting emotion, Kendall asked, "Where is he?"

"Probably trying his hardest to get to you. Now come on, let me help you with the suitcases."

"You don't have to do that."

"That's actually why I came up. It _is_ my job, you know," Logan smirked.

"Sometimes I forget." Kendall smiled and picked up the bag and two of the suitcases. "Remember the day I moved in here? How I was so desperate to make you have dinner with me?"

"And you thought I didn't like you," Logan recalled. "Next thing I know I'm eating dinner with Carlos and my entire life is changing."

They shuffled to the elevator together, dropping the suitcases on the carpet to wait. "Is he around?"

"Yeah, he's in the gym. Made me swear to tell you that if you don't stop in to say goodbye, he'd suplex you to the ground."

"What does that even mean?" Kendall chuckled.

"Wrestling term. Trust me, you don't want to experience that."

"Point taken."

They rode down together, Kendall whipping out his phone to check the time. "Car's gonna be here in ten minutes. What if he doesn't make it?"

"You can't miss your flight."

"He's worth it."

"Not to your mom and sister." When Kendall let out another melancholy sigh, Logan promised, "He'll be here."

Kendall followed Logan into the lobby, where they set down the luggage near the front entrance. "Go say goodbye to Carlos."

"Where will you be?"

"Manning the desk, like always. Don't leave without a hug."

"You got it."

Forcing down the fear that he was about to fly out of this life without the one thing he needed most as a safety blanket, Kendall wandered into the gym and watched Carlos training with his instructor for a couple of minutes before his friend could get away.

"Hey!" Carlos escaped through the ropes and jogged over to tackle Kendall with a bear hug. "Sorry I'm sweaty."

"It's sexy," Kendall grinned, hugging back just as tightly. "Heard I wasn't getting out of here without saying goodbye."

"Damn right." Once he'd released Kendall, Carlos stood back and smiled up at him. "So you know how grateful I am for everything you've done for me, right?"

"How did I help you?"

"You know how. Thanks to you, I have the man of my dreams."

"Well, I'm glad I could help with that. Keep in touch, let me know how he's doing. Not that he won't, but...you know."

"Yeah. He might not always be honest. I know he's scared about starting school out here. Excited, but scared."

Kendall leaned down to say quietly, "Between you and me, he's also scared to lose you now that you're becoming famous. Make sure he knows he has nothing to worry about."

"Seriously? He's nuts. Nobody compares to him."

"I'm just saying, tell him that often. He'll need to hear it."

Carlos nodded. "Okay. Thanks for the heads up. I'll keep an eye on your man, too. Let you know if anything...you know...weird...happens."

"I trust him," Kendall smiled. "But...let me know if he seems to be overwhelmed or stressed out or...anything like that. That's the kind of stuff he'd hide from me. 'I didn't want to worry you' is a classic James Diamond frame of mind. He tries to be brave even when he's not."

"That's not a bad thing," Carlos pointed out. "But I promise, we'll be here for him. I know he's got Lucy, but Logan says she's working on conquering a girlfriend so she might get distracted."

"I appreciate that. By the way, I'm really proud of you. I don't know if I ever told you that. Once I get back home and my life settles down I'll actually start watching you on T.V., but for now I just want to say that I wish you the best of luck in the wrestling world and I know it took a lot of guts to come clean to your parents. I'm glad you did."

"Me, too. We're already planning our Thanksgiving trip to Ohio so I can meet Logan's mom. I'm terrified."

"You'll be great. Promise." Reminded that there would come a time he'd have to meet James' mom in the role of a boyfriend, Kendall's stomach cramped; he remembered her being extremely intimidating. He glanced up at the clock on the wall and frowned, then pulled out his phone again. Nothing.

"I'll let you go." It was a bittersweet smile that met Kendall's, then he was wrapped up tight in strong arms again. "Gonna miss you, bro."

"You, too. Thanks for the kissing lessons."

"It was my pleasure," Carlos laughed. "Have a safe flight and let us know when you get home."

"I will." Just like that, tears flooded his eyes. This was really happening. "See you, buddy."

"You, too. Take care."

All Kendall could do was nod. He spun toward the door and blinked away the wetness. Where was James? He couldn't do this without James.

"So I hear you're leaving?"

Kendall's motion halted just inside the lobby. He turned to see Camille offering a sad smile, a blonde just behind her. Jo. "Hey. Yeah, heading out to the airport now."

Seeing everything that Kendall wasn't saying, Camille reached out to hug him. "I'm sorry. I really wanted you to win."

"It's okay. Things worked out the way they were supposed to." It was getting harder to fight the tears now; why did everyone have to be so nice? "Thanks for all your help."

"I didn't do much, really. You just needed to look inside." Camille squeezed him harder and whispered, "So you and the diva?"

"Yeah," Kendall laughed, grateful for the moment of levity. "Long story."

"I really thought he and Lucy had a thing."

"Apparently that's what we were all supposed to think."

"Well, they fooled me." She turned her face to place a kiss on his cheek. "I wish you didn't have to leave. We were just getting to know each other."

"I wish I didn't have to leave, either. Take care of Logan for me, huh?"

"You got it," she grinned. "Oh, have you met Jo?"

"Uh...not officially. I think we spoke the day you moved in. Hi, I'm Kendall."

"Hi," Jo nodded, shaking his hand. "I saw you perform last night. I admit I haven't watched any of the earlier episodes, but you were fantastic. Lucy says you have a lot of talent."

It was still weird to hear Lucy complimenting him in any way. "That's high praise coming from her. Have you two been hanging out?"

"She's been showing me the ropes around here. You know, warning me who to stay away from and who I can trust. That sort of thing."

"I can only imagine," Kendall laughed. "Just...a little advice, if you don't mind me sticking my nose into your business. Get to know people a little before judging them based on her opinion. Lucy can be...what's the word."

"Oh, you don't have to tell me," Jo chuckled. "She's abrasive. And downright rude sometimes. I'm working on that. I think deep down she's just afraid to open her heart to someone. Please don't tell her I said that, she might kick my ass."

"I think you're safe," Kendall winked. "I wish you luck with whatever dream you're chasing out here."

"Acting. And thank you. I wish you the same with...whatever life has in store for you."

"My new path," Kendall nodded, the idea filling him with terror. He hated not knowing what he was going home to. Or rather, knowing that it would be nothing.

"Kendall! Come on, the car's here!"

Panic ratcheted up when he looked over to see his mother standing near the front desk, Katie not hiding her pout. Logan was in his usual place, attempting to remain neutral but Kendall seeing right through to the panic in his own eyes.

"Fuck," he muttered, wondering for the thousandth time where his boyfriend was. James _knew_ him, _knew_ he couldn't do this on his own. As if somehow his friend could be the anchor keeping him here, Kendall jogged to the desk and dragged Logan in, both of them shaking as they held each other and Kendall unable to stem the flow of tears. "I don't want to go," he choked out.

"You're gonna be okay." Logan was crying, too.

"Ohio's not far from Minnesota, let me know when you visit and I'll find a way to see you."

"You'd better. I'm gonna miss you so much."

"Me, too."

Jennifer's soft voice intruded. "I'm so sorry, boys. We need to go."

It was difficult, but Kendall released his hold and stepped back while wiping tears from his cheeks. Times like this, he wished he could go back to being the cold, unfeeling athlete who was a stranger to emotion. "Sorry. Got a little carried away."

"Don't be sorry. Just..." Logan cleared his throat and kissed Kendall's cheek. "Don't forget me."

"Never. I swear."

With all the strength he had in him, Kendall willed his body to move toward the entrance, where a man was hefting their luggage outside. This was it.

And still no James.

What if James had forgotten him? What if...

What if this was all a cruel joke? What if the real goal from the start had been to make Kendall fall in love so that James could abandon him the way he'd been abandoned as a child?

"Oh god," Kendall whispered, a full-fledged panic attack coming on. He could see it now, how easily he'd fallen for it. James had been planning to win all along. Lucy was in on it, maybe even the mastermind. Ten years of anger and pain had come to a head and the injury _had_ been on purpose. When that didn't keep him down, James took the next step to torture Kendall. He'd pretended to be hurt, pretended to be his former sensitive self, knowing that was the way to gain Kendall's heart just so that he could crush it under his boot and laugh while saying, "That's what you get for doing it to me."

"Honey?"

His mother's voice sounded like it was coming through a fog.

"Kendall. Sweetheart. Come on, honey. I'm sure there's a good reason. He'll call you before you get on the plane, okay?"

Kendall swallowed hard. _Please God, please don't let it be true. Please, I need him. I don't deserve him but I need him and I have nothing left, don't take him from me._

Suddenly a smaller hand was gripping his, Katie leading him gently toward the entrance. He felt the eyes of everyone in the lobby on him, felt Logan's sadness from across the room.

"Bro, you're not alone. I don't know where he is, but you've got Mom and me. We're always gonna be here for you. It's gonna be okay."

Kendall was numb, barely feeling his legs move. Just as he reached the large doorway, a leather jacket blocked his path. "Were you really gonna leave without saying goodbye? I knew you were a dick, but really, Kendall."

Kendall froze, Lucy's words not stirring up the reaction they were meant to. If Lucy was here, that meant... "Where's James?"

"Right behind me. They had to find parking, so..." She looked to her right, scoping out what Kendall knew to be the parking lot, before nodding. "Ah, here they are."

They?

Kendall stepped out to see James running toward him at full speed, hardly slowing down before tackling Kendall with a hug and lifting him off the ground to spin him around. "Thank god, I was so afraid we'd be too late."

"You almost were." Sanity returned slowly, Kendall feeling in the embrace that none of his fears were true. He'd been insane to think James would hurt him. "Why didn't you call?"

"Didn't have time. We were working out all the details and making arrangements and...I'm sorry. It was worth it, though."

"So he's gonna work with you? You talked him into it?"

" _We_ did, yes." James turned a blinding grin on Lucy. "She can be pretty persuasive when she wants to be."

"Stop, you're making me blush," Lucy said with a wave of her hand, the two of them sharing a look that got Kendall nervous all over again. They always seemed to be in on some secret that no one else in the world was privy to.

 _Stop it, Kendall. He's here. He loves you._

Needing to hear it, Kendall slid his arms around James' waist and pulled him close. "I wish we had more time."

"Well, it's funny you say that, because—"

"Kendall!"

Kelly's voice floated in from the right, Kendall glancing over to see her running while Gustavo huffed and puffed behind her in an attempt to keep up. At least the "they" made sense now. "I can't believe you guys came all the way down here to say goodbye."

Gustavo finally caught up. "We couldn't be that lucky. You get one day to celebrate and then I'm working your ass to the bone starting first thing in the morning. I don't want to hear any whining, I don't want to hear any backtalk, and if you try to hug me I will maim you."

Kendall blinked repeatedly, the words making no sense. "Celebrate? What are you—"

It was Kelly who interrupted. "Oh. He didn't get that far yet. James, I thought—"

"I was just about to." James cleared his throat to address Kendall. "So...how would you feel about hanging around for another six months or so? That should be long enough to get an album together, and I'd be more than happy to coach you if you feel you need it."

"Album? Six months?" His head spinning, Kendall looked to Gustavo for confirmation. "You want to work with me?"

Gustavo shrugged, waving his hands in a "what are you gonna do?" gesture. "You kind of grew on me, kid. I talked to the record label and they're willing to give you a shot. You'd have to sign a contract, but they'll back your first album. If it's good enough, they'll sign you for more. So we have to make sure it's damn good, and you need a lot of work to get there."

Kelly added, "And we'll pay your expenses during the process."

Kendall was vaguely aware of Katie repeatedly screaming "YES!" behind him. He turned to James. "But what about you?"

"He's gonna work with me, too," James smiled. "We'd be on the same label. Same producer. Obviously very different output."

When Kendall was silent, shock running through him, Gustavo asked, "So what do you say, huh? Think we can stand another six months together and live through it?"

Hardly daring to believe any of this was real, Kendall met Kelly's gaze. Her smile was the reassurance he needed, her nod enough to seal the deal. "Don't leave me alone with him, Kendall. You're the only person I know who can stand up to him as well as I can. We need you."

"You can't say no, Knight," Gustavo warned him. "I just spent two hours on the phone making this happen and if it was all for nothing, I will hunt you down and make you do vocal exercises every hour for the rest of your life."

Through the bluster, Kendall could see Gustavo's genuine hope that Kendall would stay. "How can I say no to that?" he chuckled. Kelly squealed, Gustavo gave a rare smile, and a rough hand that could only belong to Lucy clapped him hard on the shoulder. "Mom? You okay with this?"

From somewhere behind him, she said, "Nothing would make me happier, sweetheart."

"You got my vote!" Katie yelled.

It was James that Kendall needed to hear it from, though. He spun around to face his boyfriend, who gazed back with a tender smile. In two seconds James was wrapped up in his arms. "You made this happen, didn't you?" Kendall whispered.

"Well, I couldn't just let you leave. Not when things are getting good." James kissed his ear and added, "It's nothing you wouldn't do for me. Nothing you _didn't_ do for me."

"I love you," Kendall murmured. "I promise I'll say it every day to make sure you know. Because someone once told me that's the most important thing."

Warm lips pressed to Kendall's neck. "Remember when we were such fools?"

Kendall grinned before hugging James tighter. "I won't forget you, my friend."

* * *

A/N—Again, the lyrics quoted in this chapter are from "Say Say Say" by Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney and "Hello" by Lionel Richie.


	33. Chapter 33

A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

I'm kind of sad to be posting this, because that means the story is over. I've had so much fun writing it and talking to you guys about it that I don't want it to end haha. I can't thank you enough if you're reading this right now, for sticking with it through thirty-something chapters. Special thanks to annabellex2, Guest, Side1ways, and EpicallyObsessed for reviewing each chapter and discussing the story with me. I love you guys so much!

This is the epilogue. Doesn't take place a whole lot later, it's just something to give an idea how their lives are now. And yes, I had to use Queen one more time just because it's my favorite Queen song and I was excited to find a place for it. Hope you guys like this chapter.

Again, thank you so much for reading this. :D

* * *

 _ **One Week Later**_

Kendall was surprised to not hear any music when he walked into the Rocque Records studio. He'd come early hoping to catch a glimpse of James at the mic, which was a vision he never tired of. After stopping in the kitchenette for coffee, he sipped while walking toward the booth.

It was empty.

With a frown, Kendall instead made his way to Gustavo's office, where he was rewarded by voices. He peeked inside to find Gustavo seated behind his desk, Kelly standing next to him, and Lucy leaned back in the chair facing them with her feet up as if she was the one who belonged here. James was nowhere in sight.

"I'm telling you, they need to be paying us," Lucy was saying.

Kelly laid a hand on Gustavo's shoulder, sensing that he was rolling his eyes and about to blow.  
"It's a charity function, Lucy," she explained patiently. "The point is to raise money, not spend it on the musical acts."

"But if they start out this way, they're going to get a reputation as artists who will do anything for free."

Gustavo took a calming breath before replying, "It's for a good cause. It'll be excellent press for them."

"Other artists get paid to appear at charity functions," Lucy pointed out. "My boys should, too."

Not sure where this was going or if he even wanted to know, Kendall cleared his throat and waited for all three to look over. "Where's James?"

It was Lucy who answered. "I sent him out for food so we can talk business. You know how he is, such a kind heart he'll just jump into a good cause without fighting for his fair share."

"Lucy," Gustavo interrupted, "there is no share to give him other than great press. It is a _charity function_ ," he said slowly, as if she was a child. "They'll be seen by millions across the world and loved for their selfless act."

"As their manager, I—"

That gave Kendall pause. "You're his manager now?" When Lucy tipped her head back to grin at him, he added, "Is he aware of this?"

"I'm your manager, too, Blondie. You're both too nice to make it in the cutthroat world of music."

Kendall's gaze narrowed, then he looked across at Gustavo. "Did you agree to this?"

"I was just informed this morning. Lucy, stop giving me a headache and get out of my office, please. James isn't even here, there's no reason for you to hang around harassing me."

"There's every reason. My boys deserve compensation for their time and talent."

His favorite voice sounded behind Kendall. "Babe, you're here early!" When Kendall spun around in the doorway, it was to see a bright smile and dancing eyes greeting him before their lips met briefly.

"I was hoping to catch you singing. Instead I walked into a battle to the death over some kind of charity function."

James sighed, visibly grasping for patience. "Lucy, I told you—"

"You boys go on and eat your food, let the grown-ups talk now."

Though Kendall bristled, James was more amused than anything else. He mouthed "I'm sorry" to Kelly while using his free hand to drag Kendall away, a bag of what smelled like Kendall's favorite burger and fries cradled against his chest. "She's horrible," he chuckled.

"She's apparently trying to get money out of an organization for your performance."

"It's _our_ performance, actually. I just found out about it this morning but I'm hoping you'll say yes to joining me."

James let go of Kendall's arm to open the glass door leading to the small room Kendall liked to escape to for down time. He held the door for his boyfriend, Kendall unable to resist pecking a kiss to James' cheek as he passed. Once they were seated on the sofa comfortably, James dug food out of the bag and handed half of it over to Kendall.

"Thanks, beautiful. You didn't have to buy me lunch."

"I knew you'd be here soon, and we both know better than to face Gustavo on an empty stomach."

They settled back against the cushions, kicking their feet up next to each other on the table. Kendall placed his coffee nearby and plucked out a handful of fries. "So what's going on?"

"The label was approached by my favorite charity, asking if I'd be interested in performing at the concert they're putting on next week. It's short notice but with all the hype and popularity of the show right now, they thought I'd draw in a big crowd."

"You will," Kendall agreed. "And it's your favorite charity, too, so what a perfect opportunity!"

"I know! I was so excited. Gustavo and Kelly are all for it because of the press and exposure. My only demand was that you join me. Each act is doing one song, so I thought maybe we could perform another duet." James ravenously chomped down a bite of burger while waiting for Kendall's reaction.

"I'd say that's not enough time, but we're used to learning two songs in less time than that. Plus if it's a duet, that's only half of a song to learn."

"And since I'm hoping to do my favorite song of all time, I don't have to learn anything at all," James winked.

"Clever."

"I'm smart like that," he grinned. "So what do you say? It's the perfect chance to introduce you to the world as someone who doesn't let defeat keep you down, it's a great cause, and we'd get to do what we love most together. I mean, you _did_ enjoy singing with me, right?"

"It was my favorite part," Kendall agreed. "What's the cause?"

"Human rights. Equality. And the song I want to do is about all of that, so...how can we go wrong?"

Kendall thought it over while munching another bite of fries. Really, he couldn't see a downside to this. "As long as Lucy doesn't demand money for it, I think it's a fantastic idea."

"I knew you would! And don't worry about her, I'll handle it. She thinks she's helping, but..."

"You sure you want her as your manager?" Kendall smirked.

"It didn't really sound like I have a choice," James laughed. "But she has good intentions and knows the business. Has a lot of contacts. She's just looking out for me, which is what both of you do best."

"Apparently she's looking out for me, too." Kendall bit off some of his burger and added, "She's nuts."

"But you gotta love her."

"Debatable." He tipped James a wink, though, showing it was a joke. "Gustavo's okay with me doing the appearance with you?"

"His head almost exploded when I suggested it. In a 'that's genius, why didn't I think of that' kind of way."

"Cool," Kendall nodded. "But what about the people putting on this concert? What if they only want you?"

"Babe, we had the label run it by them and they were ecstatic. Now we're bringing in twice as many people." When Kendall didn't say anything, James laid his head on Kendall's shoulder and shared, "Any chance I get to sing with you, I'm going to. I know we're here to get our own careers off the ground and that's our main focus, but there's nothing like the rush of being on a stage with you. Or on the ice. Anywhere, really. We're powerful together."

That got James a kiss full on the lips, Kendall closing his eyes and humming before ending it. "Can we go to your place after dinner tonight? I love hanging out with Mom and Katie, but I think tonight I just want you alone."

"Might be difficult, Katie said she couldn't wait to watch her favorite movie with me."

"Ugh, why does my family have to cockblock us all the time?"

"I'm actually enjoying it," James admitted. At the scandalized look Kendall threw his way, he amended, "Not the cockblocking part. But spending so much time with you guys, practically living in that apartment with you...it's like the old days. Only now there's sex."

"Which is the best part of all."

"It has its good points," James teased, ready for it when Kendall insisted on showing him why it was the best part. Their food was tossed aside and Kendall stretched out on top of James, whose legs wrapped around him while a delicious sound escaped into Kendall's mouth. Those noises James made always went straight to the part of Kendall that had tried to tell him years ago this was what he needed in his life, and by the time Lucy barged in they were halfway to orgasm without removing a stitch of clothing.

"Do you two ever give it a rest?"

James groaned, knowing they weren't going to get there. "Shut up, we're making up for ten years."

"Booth. Now. We need to get going on this song."

Kendall sat up, accepting that he'd have to wait until late tonight to satisfy the unquenchable hunger James brought out in him. "You're just jealous."

"Excuse me? What would I possibly have to be jealous about?"

"The fact that my love interest actually kisses me," Kendall smirked.

"Kendall," James scolded, knowing that would hurt his best friend.

"For your information, our hug goodbye last night was triple the time it normally is. I'm less than a week from cheek kiss status."

"Isn't that a little backwards for you? I seem to recall you were touching my dick on night one of our friendship."

"Kendall, don't flatter yourself," Lucy admonished. "We were never friends."

Kendall laughed as he approached her, sliding an arm over her shoulders to lead her down the hall. "But I'm glad we are now. And honestly, I'm proud of you. I know it isn't easy for you to take things slow but she's worth it and you're doing it right. Babe, you coming?"

"Yeah, I'm just gonna clean up our trash and I'll be right in."

"He's so the girl in your relationship," Lucy whispered.

"He's adorable," Kendall agreed. "I was an idiot to think I could live without him. I mean, I did it for years, but...something was always missing."

"Glad you finally figured that out."

"Do you know yet if Jo is even into girls at all?"

"As a rule, she's not. She's only dated boys."

"I'm sorry."

Lucy's abrupt laughter surprised him. "You think that's going to stop me? I thought you knew me better than that, Knight."

"Of course," Kendall chuckled. "You love the challenge. How did I forget that?"

"She will be mine. It's just gonna take some time."

"Let us know if there's any way we can help. We'd be more than happy to participate in double dates that she has no idea are actually dates."

"Oh, I like that. Yes, I can work with that. And we can bring the nerd and the wrestler along and make it a group thing but all couples."

"Lucy, can you at least use their names? They're people, you know."

"Yeah yeah." Her scheming expression brightened when Gustavo and Kelly joined them in the studio area. "So?"

"Hang on, let's wait for—oh, good, James is here," Kelly smiled. "Did you boys get something to eat? We don't want to go into this on an empty stomach."

"We're good," James nodded, his arm going to its usual place around Kendall's waist. "What's the final word on the concert?"

"They're not paying you money to appear," Gustavo replied. He ignored Lucy's outraged cry of "WHAT?!" and continued, "They would, however, like you both to record a single that they can market as their...theme song, so to speak. When I told them which song you'd chosen, they thought it was perfect for their cause and asked if you two would consider being ambassadors for the charity."

"Are you kidding?" James gasped. "Hell yes! Holy shit, this is so awesome!"

Kendall quickly decided he didn't care what song it was—anything that made James this happy was something he wanted to do.

Before Lucy could get started, Gustavo added, "And for _that,_ you will each get a small percentage of the sales."

"I don't need the money," James argued. "I want all of it to go to—"

"James, shut up," Lucy warned through gritted teeth. "Take it and shut up. I get to play guitar for the single."

Kendall leaned in to whisper, "We can donate our proceeds to the cause."

James' face lit up even more. "This is why you're the love of my life."

A piece of the Queen song James had performed flitted through Kendall's head.

 _When I grow older, I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you_

 _I still love you_

The lyric made him smile now; he knew it would come to pass.

Kelly clapped her hands together. "Okay. So we're all in agreement? I can call them now and tell them it's a go? They want the song finished as soon as possible so they can release it the day of the concert."

"I don't mind spending the day singing with James," Kendall shrugged.

"Well, it might be part of the night, too," Gustavo warned him.

Kendall hugged James closer to his side. "We were gonna hang out together anyway."

 _"There's_ a surprise," Gustavo said with a roll of his eyes.

"Hey!" Lucy yelled. "Nobody talks to my clients that way."

"Except you," Kendall smirked.

"Exactly. I'll expect you to treat them with courtesy and respect from this moment forward."

Gustavo placed an arm across her shoulders, not realizing he was taking his life into his own hands in doing so. "Hey, Lucy. Have I ever shown you the door? No? Let me do it now. Right this way."

James' gaze followed them as he let out a soft chuckle. "I think watching those two square off is almost as good as watching you two."

"She's never boring," Kendall agreed. "So what's this song you want to do?"

"Oh!" Kelly exclaimed. "Hang on, I printed out the lyrics. You two can decide how you want to split it up."

She ran out of the room, leaving them in ten seconds of blessed silence. Kendall used half of that to plant a kiss on James' lips, then murmured, "Let me guess. It's Queen."

"It's totally Queen," James laughed.

"You and your Queen."

"Trust me, you'll love it. It's not the sappy stuff you can't stand."

"I never said I don't like it. At least...not anymore."

"Love does crazy things to people," James grinned.

Kelly rushed back in. "Okay, here you go. Start learning it, we'll give you some time. I need to go call them and tell them we're doing this. I'm so excited!" With that, she was gone.

Her enthusiasm surprised Kendall. "I didn't think she cared that much."

"She told me this morning it's her favorite charity, too. So it's awesome that we're able to help out."

Kendall smiled up at James, his heart warming. "I love how much you care about things like this. You've always been the better person."

"You showed me how to love," James said softly. "Take pride in the man I've become, because you helped make him."

Knowing that if he didn't change course now, they'd be on the floor and in each others' pants in no time, Kendall urged, "So tell me about the song."

"I'll just play it. It's basically about coming together as humans and equals. Sort of inspired by Martin Luther King's speech."

"Oh. I can get into that." He skimmed the lyrics quickly, eye catching on the last line. "Fried chicken? This is a joke, right?"

"It's not," James laughed. "Freddie had a fantastic sense of humor."

He pulled it up on his phone, Kendall listening as the song started with some distortion and keyboards that made him think of epic movie scenes as it built. Then heavy guitar chords kicked in, and Kendall knew he was in love. _"Queen_ wrote this?"

"They knew how to rock, babe. You just haven't heard enough of their music. _Yet."_

 _One man, one goal_

 _One mission_

 _One heart, one soul_

 _Just one solution_

 _One flash of light_

 _One God, one vision_

"This is great," Kendall said in surprise. "I can channel this."

"Which is another reason I picked it. It's exactly your style. We can share the chorus, if that's okay. Maybe each do a verse?"

"Whatever you want. I trust you to know what sounds best."

 _One flesh, one bone, one true religion_

 _One race, one hope, one real decision_

 _Whoa give me one vision_

"One vision," Kendall echoed. "I like it."

 _No wrong, no right_

 _I'm gonna tell you there's no black and no white_

 _No blood, no stain_

 _All we need is one worldwide vision_

As the chorus played again, Kendall shook his head in wonder. "Babe...you're a genius. This song is absolutely perfect for a charity like that."

"I thought so," James blushed, the compliment pleasing him.

The music suddenly backed off into the almost-whimsical keyboard melody from the song's intro, filling Kendall with some sort of hopefulness that he was sure it was supposed to induce—that the world could one day come to that one vision.

 _I had a dream when I was young_

 _A dream of sweet illusion_

 _A glimpse of hope and unity_

 _And visions of one sweet union_

"Oh, you're singing that part," Kendall stated. "No question."

"I want you to do the rest of it."

He listened as the bridge continued.

 _But the cold wind blows_

 _And the dark rain falls_

 _And in my heart it shows_

 _Look what they've done to my dreams_

That led into a short guitar solo kicked off with a heartfelt scream, and the next set of lyrics were a cross between angry and desperate.

 _Give me your hands, give me your hearts_

 _I'm ready!_

 _There's only one direction_

 _One world, one nation_

 _One God, one vision_

Kendall nodded, knowing he could deliver all of that.

"Then I thought I could take over here," James suggested. "But every time we sing the words 'one vision' I want it to be both of us."

 _No hate, no fight, just excitation_

 _All through the night, it's a celebration_

 _Whoa yeah_

They talked through the main breakdown, Kendall now as excited about the song as James was. "We're gonna kick ass on this, babe!"

"I thought so, too. And I'm about to embarrass the fuck out of myself, but I'll tell you the truth. After our first duet rehearsal, when I knew how much I loved singing with you, I went back to the hotel and listened to this song and imagined us singing it together. It was kind of a pathetic little fantasy."

Kendall's heart melted as he used one arm to pull James flush against him. "A fantasy that's about to come true."

"So many of mine did. I still can't believe you're real sometimes. That this is happening and we're finally together."

"It's real," Kendall promised him. "It's happening. We both went through hell to get here, but there's no place else I'd rather be. You are the love of _my_ life."

James' answer was a smirk. "You _do_ love the romance."

"Not really my thing."

"No, admit it. You do."

"Shut up and kiss me."

James was happy to oblige, the rest of the song playing on and barely noticed. Had they been listening, they might've thought about how it was an accurate description of the fight James had put up to get them where they were now, and to be one.

 _One voice, one hope, one real decision_

 _Gimme one night  
Gimme one hope  
Just gimme  
One man one man,  
One bar one night  
One day hey hey  
Just gimme gimme gimme  
Fried chicken _

XXXX

The song used above is "One Vision" by Queen.


End file.
